It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes with cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live of how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.
You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.
You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.
You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!
What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion.....
GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF US!!!!!
A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday."
Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?"
"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said. "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....
Jack stopped suddenly. "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said. "What box? " Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention.
"Mr. Harold Belser" it read.
Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."
"The thing he valued most...was...my time."
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet... thanks for your time!"
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
5. You mean the world to someone.
6. If not for you, someone may not be living.
7. You are special and unique.
8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
11. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.
14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
Lisa sat on the floor of her old room, staring at the box that lay in front of her. It was an old shoe box that he had decorated to become a memory box many years before. Stickers and penciled flowers covered the top and sides. its edges were worn, the corners of the lid taped so as to keep their shape. It had been three years since Lisa last opened the box. A sudden move to Boston had kept her from packing it. But now that she was back home, she took the time to look again at the memories.
Fingering the corners of the box and stroking its cover, Lisa pictured in her mind what was inside. There was a photo of the family trip to the Grand Canyon, a note from her friend telling her that Nick Bicotti liked her, and the Indianarrowhead she had found while on her senior class trip. One bye one, she remembered the items in the box, lingering over the sweetest, until she came to the last and only painful memory. She knew what it looked like--a single sheet of paper upon which lines had been drawn to form boxes, 490 of them to be exact. And each box contained a check mark, one for each time.
"How many times must I forgive my brother?" the disciple Peter had asked Jesus. "Seven times?" Lisa's Sunday school teacher had read Jesus' surprise answer to the class. "seventy times seven." Lisa had leaned over to her brother Brent as the teacher continued reading. "How many times is that?" she whispered. Brent, though two years younger, was smarter than she was. "Four hundred and ninety," Brent wrote on the corner of his Sunday school paper. Lisa saw the message, nodded, and sat back in her chair. She watched her brother as the lesson continued.
He was small for his age, with narrow shoulders and short arms. His glasses were too large for his face, and his hair always matted in swirls. He bordered on being a nerd, but his incredible skills at everything, especially music, made him popular with his classmates. Brent had learned to play the piano at age four, the clarinet at age seven, and had just begun to play oboe. His music teachers said he'd be a famous musician someday. There was only one thing at which Lisa was better than Brent--basketball. They played it almost every afternoon after school. Brent could have refused to play, but he knew that it was Lisa's only joy in the midst of her struggles to get C's and D's at school. Lisa's attention came back to her Sunday school teacher as the woman finished the lesson and closed with prayer.
That same Sunday afternoon found brother and sister playing basketball in he driveway. It was then that the counting had begun. Brent was guarding Lisa as she dribbled toward the basket. He had tried to bat the ball away, got his face near her elbow, and took a shot on the chin. "ow!" he cried out and turned away. Lisa saw her opening and drove to the basket, making an easy lay-up. She gloated over her success but stopped when she saw Brent. "You okay?" she asked. Brent shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry," Lisa said. "Really. It was a cheap shot." "It's all right. I forgive you," he said. A thin smile then formed on his face. "Just 489 more times though." "Whaddaya mean?" Lisa asked. "You know...what we learned in Sunday school today. You're supposed to forgive someone 490 times. I just forgave you, so now you have 489 left," he kidded. The two of them laughed at the thought of keeping track of every time Lisa had done something to Brent. They were sure she had gone past 490 long ago.
The rain interrupted their game, and the two moved indoors. "Wanna play Battleship?" Lisa asked. Brent agreed, and they were soon on the floor of the living room with their game boards in front of them. Each took turns calling out a letter and number combination, hoping to hit each other's ships. Lisa knew she was in trouble as the game went on. Brent had only lost one ship out of five. Lisa had lost three. Desperate to win, she found herself leaning over the edge of Brent's barrier ever so slightly. She was thus able to see where Brent had placed two of his ships. She quickly evened the score. Pleased, Lisa searched once more for the location of the last two ships. She peered over the barrier again, but this time Brent caught her in the act. "Hey, you're cheating!" He stared at her in disbelief. Lisa's face turned red. Her lips quivered. "I'm sorry," she said, staring at the carpet. There was not much Brent could say. He knew Lisa sometimes did things like this. He felt sorry that Lisa found sofew things she could do well. It was wrong for her to cheat, but he knew the temptation was hard for her. "Okay, I forgive you," Brent said. Then he added with a small laugh, "I guess it's down to 488 now, huh?" "Yeah, I guess so." She returned his kindness with a weak smile and added, "Thanks for being my brother, Brent."
Brent's forgiving spirit gripped Lisa, and she wanted him to know how sorry she was. It was that evening that she had made the chart with the 490 boxes. She showed it to him before he went to bed. "We can keep track of every time I mess up and you forgive me," she said. "See, I'll put a check in each box--like this." She placed two marks in the upper left-hand boxes. "These are for today." Brent raised his hands to protest. "you don't need to keep--" "Yes I do!" Lisa interrupted. "You're always forgiving me, and I want to keep track. Just let me do this!" She went back to her room and tacked the chart to her bulletin board.
There were many opportunities to fill in the chart in the years that followed. She once told the kids at school that Brent talked in his sleep and called out Rhonda Hill's name, even though it wasn't true. The teasing caused Brent days and days of misery. When she realized how cruel she had been, Lisa apologized sincerely. That night she marked box number 96. Forgiveness number 211 came in the tenth grade when Lisa failed to bring home his English book. Brent had stayed home sick that day and had asked her to bring it so he could study for a quiz. She forgot and he got a C. Number 393 was for lost keys...418 for the extra bleach she put in the washer, which ruined his favorite polo shirt... 449, the dent she had put in his car when she had borrowed it. There was a small ceremony when Lisa checked number 490. She used a gold pen for the check mark, had Brent sign the chart, and then placed it in her memory box. "I guess that's the end," Lisa said. "No more screw-ups from me anymore!" Brent just laughed. "Yeah, right."
Number 491 was just another one of Lisa's careless mistakes, but its hurt lasted a lifetime. Brent had become all that his music teachers said he would. Few could play the oboe better than he. In his fourth year at the best music school in the United States, he received the opportunity of a lifetime--a chance to try out for New York City's great orchestra. The tryout would be held sometime during the following two weeks. It would be the fulfillment of his young dreams. He never got the chance.
Brent had been out when the call about the tryout came to the house. Lisa was the only one home and on her way out the door, eager to get to work on time. "Two- thirty on the tenth," the secretary said on the phone. Lisa did not have a pen, but she told herself that she could remember it. "Got it. Thanks." I can remember that, she thought. But she did not. It was a week later around the dinner table that Lisa realized her mistake. "So, Brent," his mom asked him, "when do you try out?" "Don't know yet. They're supposed to call." Lisa froze in her seat. "Oh, no!" she blurted out loud. "What's today's date? Quick!" "It's the twelfth," her dad answered. "Why?" A terrible pain ripped through Lisa's heart. She buried her face in her hands, crying. "Lisa, what's the matter?" her mother asked. Through sobs Lisa explained what had happened. "It was two days ago...the tryout...two-thirty...the call came...last week." Brent sat back in his chair, not believing Lisa. "Is this one of your jokes, sis?" he asked, though he could tell her misery was real. She shook her head, still unable to look at him. "Then I really missed it?" She nodded. Brent ran out of the kitchen without a word. He did not come out of his room the rest of the evening. Lisa tried once to knock on the door, but she could not face him. She went to her room where she cried bitterly. Suddenly she knew that she had to do something. She had ruined Brent's life. He could never forgive her for that. She had failed her family, and there was nothing to do but to leave home. Lisa packed her pickup truck in the middle of the night and left a note behind, telling her folks she'd be all right. She began writing a note to Brent, but her words sounded empty to her. Nothing I say could make a difference anyway, she thought.
Two days later she got a job as a waitress in Boston. She found an apartment not too far from the restaurant. Her parents tried many times to reach her, but Lisa ignored their letters. "It's too late," she wrote them once. "I've ruined Brent's life, and I'm not coming back." Lisa did not think she would ever see home again, but one day in the restaurant where she worked she saw a face she knew. "Lisa!" said Mrs. Nelson, looking up from her plate. "What a surprise." The woman was a friend of Lisa's family from back home. "I was so sorry to hear about your brother," Mrs. Nelson said softly. "Such a terrible accident. But we can be thankful that he died quickly. He didn't suffer." Lisa stared at the woman in shock. "Wh-hat," she finally stammered. It couldn't be! Her brother? Dead? The woman quickly saw that Lisa did not know about the accident. She told the girl the sad story of the speeding car, the rush to the hospital, the doctors working over Brent. But all they could do was not enough to save him. Lisa returned home that afternoon.
********
Now she found herself in her room thinking about her brother as she held the small box that held some of her memories of him. Sadly, she opened the box and peered inside. It was as she remembered, except for one item--Brent's chart. It was not there. In its place, at the bottom of the box, was an envelope. Her hands shook as she tore it open and removed a letter. The first page read: Dear Lisa, It was you who kept count, not me. But if you're stubborn enough to keep count, use the new chart I've made for you. Love, Brent. Lisa turned to the second page where she found a chart just like the one she had made as a child, but on this one the lines were drawn in perfect precision. And unlike the chart she had kept, there was but one check mark in the upper left-hand corner. Written in red felt tip pen over the entire page were the words: "Number 491. Forgiven, forever."
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
"He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His loving kindness toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:10-12
"And be kind to one another, tender- hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32
"For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you don't forgive men, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions." Matthew 6:14-15
"Right now, memories are getting longer and life is getting shorter" ---Edward Van Halen "Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." ---anonymous. "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." --- Margaret Mead "Anybody can point out a problem. It takes someone who's willing to work hard and find solutions to fix it." ---David Smiglewski "If you don't know about society . . . how can you have the pleasure of avoiding it?" ---Michael Douglass as Mr. Van Orton in The Game "Sooner or later it comes down to fate, I might as well be the one." "Defeat is only temporary; Giving up is what makes it permanent." "Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." ---Robert Collyer "Men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better off than those who try to do nothing and succeed." ---Lloyd James "Fear not that thy life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning." ---J.H. Newman "Some people will never learn anything, for this reason, because they understand everything too soon." ---Alexander Pope "Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love." ---Erich Fromm "The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one." ---Elbert G. Hubbard "Friendship improves happiness, and abates misery, by doubling our joy, and dividing our grief." ---Joseph Addison "The greatest good you can do for another is not to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own." ---Benjamin Disraeli "Life is short, don't waste time in thinking of what to live for." ---Erik Kispert "Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways." "What is a friend? - One soul dwelling in two bodies."--Aristotle "There are not many things in life so beautiful as true friendship and not many things more uncommon." -- Unknown "Sometimes you have to grow farther apart to keep growing together." --Unknown "A friend is a gift you give yourself." -- Robert Louis Stevenson "I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me, I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be, I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way." -- Edgar A. Guest "Cherish friendship in your breast. New is good but old is best. Make new friends but keep the old, new is silver, the other is gold." --Anonymous "Yesterday brought the beginning, tomorrow brings the end but somewhere in the middle we've become the best of fiends." -- Unknown "A friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out." --Anonymous "Happiness isn't the easiest thing to find, but one place you're guaranteed to find it is in a friend's smile." -- Allison Poler "You've got to dance like nobody's watching and love like it's never going to hurt..." ---as told by jules "There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow men...True nobility is being superior to your former self." ---Thom Yorke "The most utterly lost of all days, is that in which you have not once laughed. ---Sebastian Roch Chamfort Some good advice for gossips: "There is so much bad in the best of us, and so much good in the worst of us, that it doesn't behoove any of us, to talk about the rest of us! "We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit..." ---2 Corinthians 5:7 "The thing that matters most in life, is how you live your life." "Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire" ---the Jewish Talibut "Some people say I'm competitive, and I say 'Yes', but I'm not trying to be better than anyone else, I'm trying to be better than me." ---Josie Hoffman "Live life like a race...all the way to the end." ---David Smith "Until we accept the fact that life itself is founded in mystery, we shall learn nothing." ---Henry Miller "Make your own recovery the first priority in your life." ---Robin Norwood "The secret to success is to start from scratch and keep on scratching, you learn the most from your mistakes." ---Clayton Jennings "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot so you can hang on." ---James Mitchell "The trouble with accidents is that you can't see them coming." ---from Winnie the Pooh "If you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose." ---Bob Dylan "The problem is not that the [deaf] students do not hear. The problem is that the hearing world does not listen." --- Rev. Jesse L. Jackson, 1988 (at Gallaudet) "Difficult goodbyes only make for sweeter hellos." ---David Smith "In order to see as an artist, we must forget the names of the things that we are looking at." ---Claude Monet "Every generation of Americans needs to know that freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought." "In order to overcome fear, one must confront it face to face, and see that there's really nothing to fear at all." ---Conrad Spaude "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." "Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak?" "Run when others walk..... sleep when others party..... practice when others don't..... keep your mind and body drug free. If you don't do this, you might not be what you could have been! ! !
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
College students are truly a rare breed. Week after week we put ourselves
through the gauntlet of flip-cup tournaments, keg stands, ice luges, and
power hours only to pass out briefly and wake up at obscene hours of the
morning to re-fuel our still-intoxicated bodies with a few more beers all
in the name of tailgate. We also lack any legitimate sense of time. We
"pre-drink" until eleven. 12:40 classes are "early." We know 1:30 a.m. as
"last call" because we have been going to the bars since we were 17 with
fake I.D.s. There is a day of the week referred to as "Boozeday."
We college kids undoubtedly have a subculture unto ourselves. Some people
play basketball, we play beer pong. Some people wait all year for
Christmas or Thanksgiving, we wait all year for St. Patty’s Day, New Years
Eve, and Superbowl Sunday. Some drink orange juice for breakfast, we throw
back a Busch Light because we hear its a good cure for that hangover. We
can turn anything into a drinking game.
We live in our own world, a world where jungle juice seems like a good
idea, being awake at 4 a.m. is normal, “wanna do a body shot” is a
sufficient pick-up line, and 21st birthdays are an entity unto themselves.
We have become aware that alchohol makes us say, do, and wear things that
would, in a sober state, be out of the question. Watching our friend make
out with a stranger in front of cheering spectators is raw comedy,
kegerators become the greatest invention the world has ever seen, and we
"discover" things that seem utterly amazing…like malt liquor...and
Beerios...
We nickname beers. If we're at the bar and we ask for a "Beast" or a
"Natty," the bartender knows what we're talking about because he's
probably in college too. We have drunken alter-egos and we name them. A
few sots down the hatch and we suddenly turn into "Rico Suave" the
tequila-chugging wonder...We are experts at Kings, never running out of
tricky categories or a clever rule. We draw on the faces of passed out
friends, we know that empty fifths make great decorations in our
apartments (also note: empty kegs can be sweet coffee tables), and we have
done a "shotski".
We make friends while we are drunk and we assign them an adjective that
will forever precede their name in order to distinguish them from the rest
of the "friends" we make while drunk (also because we do not know their
last names.) "Sloppy Tom," "Chicago Sarah," and "Creepy Steve" will always
be near and dear to our hearts.
We have no money because we spent it all on beer. This, unfortunately, is
also why we drink Povov and Crazy Horse, and trust us, that takes heart.
It grows on us after awhile...or after we've taken too many shots to
remember that what we're drinking tastes like gasoline. The lack of money
situation is also why if we see someone sipping a Corona, they are a
baller, and we will make friends with them.
After a long night of bonging beers at a house party, bravely resisting
the urge to drunk dial (and/or drunk IM) all of our ex-boyfriends, then
going shot-for-shot with a frat boy at the bar, we wake up hugging an
empty box of wine in our underwear on our best friend's kitchen floor with
a million questions running through our pounding heads. We wake up with
random incoherent numbers in our cell phones ("Who the hell is
'grEenshirtb4oy'?"), random pictures on our cameras ("Look, here’s one of
so-and-so humping that Corona guy on the dance floor..."), a mere 73 cents
left in our wallets ("I didn't know Hold 'em was a drinking game?"), and a
desperate desire to lay in bed for the rest of our lives...it is then that
we swear off drinking forever...for real....we really mean it this
time....
Yet, after shotgunning a brewski or two and kickin back with a 40, we head
to the shower, beer in hand, and get ready to begin our evening once
again. It takes balls, simply put. We know how to party. We have honed and
perfected our art. We are lushes, bar stars, and boozehounds.
Why do we act this way you ask? Because we can. Because in 4 short, blurry
years we will have to enter the “real world”. So for the time being we
will live it up…As long as there are beers to be drank and shots to be
taken, we will be there...as long as there are case races to be won and
frat houses to pass out in, we will be there...as long as there are tables
to be danced on and annoying eighties songs to sing loudly along to, WE
WILL BE THERE!...but we're not gonna lie, we probably won't remember it.
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped his cards. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife Sue, limbs far and wide, wasn't wearing any under wear! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" "Well, actually, I did" said John. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't!, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00 PM sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00 PM and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER! ! !
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their ass when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . .. . . . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do they call it an asteroid! when it 's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman." I am thinking "what was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed dept. store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her to take all three.
She wanted matching shoes, I said "lets get a pair for each outfit." We went to the jewelry dept. where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I
think I threw her for a loop when I said it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this. You should have seen her face when she said "I think this is all dear, lets go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out "No honey, I don't feel like ! buying all of this stuff now."
You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008.
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the
Earth and back again for her --
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked --
Bring food --
Don't block the TV !
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through l8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.
If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy", you
might live in Minnesota.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year
you might live in Minnesota.
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Minnesota.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Minnesota.
If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have either a pet or a child named "Kirby", you might live in Minnesota.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Minnesota.
If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Edina and Shakopee, you might live in Minnesota.
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.
If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters, .... you might live in Minnesota......
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor
on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going up north past Brainerd for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again.
6. Your whole family wears Viking purple to church on Sunday.
7. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave
both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how
to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet
Farm at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
withsnow.
15. You refer to the Vikings as "we."
16. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
roadconstruction.
17. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
18. You have no problem pronouncing Wayzata.
19. You consider Minneapolis exotic.
20. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pig's Eye Pilsner.
21. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to
yourblue spruce.
22. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
23. Down South to you means Iowa.
24. A brat is something you eat.
25. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
26. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
27. You know how to polka.
28. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
29. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
30. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
31. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all
your Minnesota friends.
AS YOU MAY ALREADY KNOW, IT IS A SIN FOR A TALIBAN MALE TO SEE ANY WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS WIFE NAKED, AND THAT HE MUST COMMIT SUICIDE IF HE DOES.
SO THIS SATURDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN TIME ALL AMERICAN WOMEN ARE ASKED TO WALK OUT OF THEIR HOUSE COMPLETELY NAKED TO HELP WEED OUT ANY NEIGHBORHOOD TERRORISTS.
CIRCLING YOUR BLOCK FOR ONE HOUR IS RECOMMENDED FOR THIS ANTI-TERRORIST EFFORT.
ALL MEN ARE TO POSITION THEMSELVES IN LAWN CHAIRS IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE TO PROVE THEY ARE NOT TALIBAN, AND TO DEMONSTRATE THAT THEY THINK ITS OKAY TOSEE NUDE WOMEN OTHER THAN THEIR WIFE AND TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR ALL AMERICAN WOMEN.
AND SINCE THE TALIBAN ALSO DOES NOT APPROVE OF ALCOHOL, A COLD 6-PACK AT YOUR SIDE IS FURTHER PROOF OF YOUR ANTI-TALIBAN SENTIMENT
THE AMERICAN GOVERNMENT APPRECIATES YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUDS YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY.
GOD BLESS AMERICA . . .
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON.
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through marriage with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his lonliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he ahd not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
In fourth grade your idea of a good friend wa! s the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nick or Smelly Susan.
In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before that you had.
In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who would go to a party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college/university, assured you that you would get into that college/university, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could! give as they congratulated you.
The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for university and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, holds your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
Pass on to those friends of the past, and those of the future...and those you have met along the way...[crying yet? o! h there's more]
Thank you for being a friend. No matter where we go or who we become, never forget who helped us get there.
There's never a wrong time to pick up a phone or send a message telling your friends how much you miss them or how much you love them.
You know who you are, pass it on to someone who you want to remind.
So send this to all your friends and maybe those who aren't but just watch and see who sends it back.
If you love someone, tell them.
Remember always to say what you mean.
Never be afraid to express yourself. Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you. Seize the day and have no regrets.
Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all about anyway. Pass this along to your friends. Let it make a difference in your day and theirs.
Friend: calls your parents by mr. and mrs.
Friend: has never seen you cry
Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
Friend: asks you to write down your number.
Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Friend: only knows a few things about you
Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
Good times are even better when they're shared.
A good long talk can cure almost anything.
Everyone needs someone with whom to share her secrets.
Listening is just as important as talking.
An understanding friend is better than a therapist; And cheaper too!
Laughter makes the world a happier place..
Friends are like wine; they get better with age.
Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry on.
Great minds think alike, especially when they are female!
When it comes to "bonding," females do it better.
YOU ARE NEVER TOO OLD FOR SLUMBER PARTIES!!!!
It's important to make time to do "girl things."
Calories don't count when you are having lunch with your girlfriends.
GEMS MAY BE PRECIOUS, BUT FRIENDSHIP IS PRICELESS!!!!!
We are sitting at lunch when my daughter casually mentions
that she and her husband are thinking of 'starting a family.'
"We're taking a survey," she says, half-joking.
"Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends,
no more spontaneous vacations."
But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter,
trying to decide what to tell her.
I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.
I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal,
but that becoming a mother will leave her
with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without
asking,
"What if that had been MY child?"
That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her.
That when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder if anything could be worse
than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit
and think that no matter how sophisticated she is,
becoming a mother will reduce her
to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé
or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in
her career,
she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.
She might arrange for childcare, but one day
she will be going into an important business meeting
and she will think of her baby's sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of her discipline
to keep from running home,
just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my daughter to know that everyday decisions
will no longer be routine.
That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room
rather than the women's at McDonald's
will become a major dilemma.
That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children,
issues of independence and gender identity
will be weighted against the prospect
that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office,
she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her
that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy,
but she will never feel the same about herself.
That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her
once she has a child.
That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring,
but will also begin to hope for more years –
not to accomplish her own dreams,
but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a caesarean scar or shiny stretch marks
will become badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will change,
but not in the way she thinks.
I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man
who is careful to powder the baby
or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again
for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel
with women throughout history
who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.
I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues,
but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my
children's future.
I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration
of seeing your child learn to ride a bike.
I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby
who is touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time.
I want her to taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes.
"You'll never regret it," I finally say.
Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's hand
and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me,
and for all of the mere mortal women
who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.
This blessed gift from God...that of being a Mother.
Please share this with a Mom that you know or a future Mom you
know.
For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom, this is beautiful. For those of us who aren't, this is even more beautiful. For those who are moms, you'll love this.
************************************
The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is this the long way?" she asked. And the guide said: "Yes, and the way is hard.And you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning."
But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young mother cried, "Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."
Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come."
And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children, "A little patience and we are there."
So the children climbed, and when they reached the top they said, "Mother, we would not have done it without you."
And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, "This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage. Today, I have given them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children groped and stumbled, and the mother said: "Look up. Lift your eyes! to the light."
And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the mother said,"This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent. But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage. And when the way was rough,they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden gates flung wide. And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey. And now I know the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them."
And the children said, "You will always walk with us, mother, even when you have gone through the gates."
And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed! after her. And they said: "We cannot see her, but she is with us still."
A Mother like ours is more than a memory. She is a living presence.."
Your mother is always with you. She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street; she's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks; she's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. Your mother lives inside your laughter. And she's crystallized in every tear drop. She's the place you came from, your first home; and she's the map you follow with every step you take. She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing on Earth can separate you. Not time.....not space ...not even death!
PASS THIS ON TO THE MOTHERS and CHILDREN YOU KNOW. MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED!
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way
to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slow but think quick.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and
ask, "Why do you want to know?".
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your Mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility
for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss them.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules, then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
College Truths
50 THINGS ADMISSIONS NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT COLLEGE
1. Quarters are gold.
2. Two meals per day is the standard.
3. Road trip whenever possible.
4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
5. You will begin to nap again.
6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition.
7. Squirt guns = Stress relief.
8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction.
9. E-mail becomes your second language
10. College students throw paper airplanes too.
11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you.
12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet.
13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldn't know, but you can recite last week's re-run of The 70's Show verbatim.
14. Cartoons are for all ages.
15. Disney movies are more than just classics.
16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life.
17. No one is too old for video games.
18. Procrastination is an art form.
19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot.
20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again.
21. It never hurt so much to get sick.
22. The health service nurses are there because they couldn't make it at a real hospital. Never, ever forget that.
23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays.
24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation.
25. Nothing you want to register for will be open.
26. Classes... the later the better.
27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you.
28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires.
29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty.
30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important.
31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY...
33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!!
34. If it's snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food.
35. Dishes smell after days of piling up.
36. Cereal makes a meal any time of the day.
37. You will eat anywhere that is a buffet.
38. You will eat anything that is free.
39. New additions to food groups: pitapit and pizza.
40. Stealing from the dining hall will become second nature.
41. ATM's are the devils advocate. ATM = Another Twenty Missing.
42. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them or lock yourself out of the room even more.
43. Duct tape heals all wounds.
44. If they say you can't have it in your dorm, they are just kidding.
45. You will come to hate hallways/elevators with a passion. (STAIRS ARE THE DEVIL)
46. You will begin to negotiate with God even if you have doubted his existence in the past..."Please God, if you let me pass this final, I'll never drink again!"
47. Pictures, posters, emails or anything else to cover the ugly cell we live in will be transformed into wallpaper.
48. Everyone is only nice for the first week. After that, no matter how nice you are, some people just won't smile back. Get used to it.
49. You are never alone!
50. You realize college is the ideal life! style, except for those pesky classes
TOP 10 REASONS THAT COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL
10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do.
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends.
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps.
1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
You actually like doing laundry at home.
Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
You'd rather clean than study.
"Oh man how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
Mom's Meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal.
You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soap operas.
You know the pizza boy by name.
You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark.
You live for getting mail.
Looking out the window is a form of entertainment.
Prank phone calls become funny again.
You start thinking and sounding like your roommate.
Black lights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday.
BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
No matter how 'cool' you were in high school, no one here cares.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Labs/Art studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about
That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology. That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That it's possible to be alone even when friends surround you.
That friends are what make this place worthwhile!
Don't be dismayed at good-byes, a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after a moment or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.
ODE TO COLLEGIATE ALCOHOLOISM
NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER
The 12 Days of Christmas
Here's an old classic for your holiday enjoyment...
=============================================================
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a
real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my
pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this
way.
My love always,
Agnes
============================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
============================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must
protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been
too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
============================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is
enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
============================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five
golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible,
but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were
beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
============================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually
six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever
keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
============================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds?? Seven
swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's
bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket.
I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not
funny. So stop those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
============================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I
going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with
all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring
their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I
can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
============================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's
nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday
morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all
over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
============================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers
all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner
of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you!
Agnes
============================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those
maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again.
Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing
sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are
dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
============================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our
client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course,
was total. All correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you
on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of
Badger, Bender and Chole
PEANUT-BUTTER SANDWICH
I'll sing you a story of silly young king
Who played with the world at the end of a string.
But he only loved one single thing --
And that was just a peanut-butter sandwich.
His scepter wand his royal gowns,
His regal throne and golden crowns
Were brown and sticky from the mounds
And drippings from each peanut-butter sandwich.
His subjects all were silly fools
For he had passed a royal rule
That all that they could learn in school
Was how to make a peanut-butter sandwich.
He would not eat his sovereign steak,
He scorned his soup and kingly cake,
And told his courtly cook to bake
An extra-sticky peanut-butter sandwich.
And then one day he took a bite
And started chewing with delight,
But found his mouth was stuck quite tight
From that last bite of peanut-butter sandwich.
His brother pulled, his sister pried,
The wizard pushed, his mother cried,
"My boy's committed suicide
From eating his last peanut-butter sandwich!"
The dentist came, and the royal doc.
The royal plumber banged and knocked,
But still those jaws stayed tightly locked.
Oh darn that sticky peanut-butter sandwich!
The carpenter, he tried with pliers,
The telephone man tried with wires,
The firemen, they tried with fire,
But couldn't melt that peanut-butter sandwich.
With ropes and pulleys, drills and coil,
With steam and lubricating oil --
For twenty years of tears and toil --
They fought that awful peanut-butter sandwich.
Then all his royal subjects came.
They hooked his jaws with grapplin' chains
And pulled both ways with might and main
Against that stubborn peanut-butter sandwich.
Each man and woman, girl and boy
Put down their ploughs and pots and toys
And pulled until kerack! Oh, joy --
They broke right through that peanut-butter sandwich.
A puff of dust, a screech, a squeak --
The kin's jaw opened with a creak.
And then in voice so faint and weak --
The first words that they heard him speak
Were, "How about a peanut-butter sandwich?"
-Shel Silverstein
20 WAYS TO ANNOY A BATHROOM STALLMATE
l. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks silence with a
bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe
into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get in there?"
9. Say, "Humus...reminds me of humus.
10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew, squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling "Whoa! Easy
boy!
11.Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."
12.Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and then drop the wad under the stall wall of your
neighbor. Then Say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here
please?'
13.Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me".
14.Fill a balloon with creamed corn, rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while
you squeeze the baIloon and splatter creamed corn all about.
15.Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
16.Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what
am I gonna do?"
17.Play a well known drum cadence over and over on your butt cheeks.
18.Before you unroll the toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.
19.Lower a small mirror under the stall wall, adjust it so you can
see your neighbor, and say, "Peek-a Boo!!!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
----- Did You Ever Wonder........?
Dear Diary,
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
PART 1:Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota
PART 2: You know you are a true Minnesotan when:
MARK YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS SATURDAY.
Some Random Poems collected by Josée
I pity the man
I pity the bachelor
I pity the crook
Who finds this book
If you can't dazzle them
With brilliance
Baffle them
With bullshit
Me is Bitch
Bitch is a dog
Dog barks
Bark is a part of a tree
Tree is nature
Nature is beautiful
Beautiful is Me
Thank you for the compliment
An apple a day
Keeps the doctor away
But if he's cute
Fuck the fruit!
Sex is evil
Sex is sin
Sin is forgiven
So sex is in
What you see
Is what you get
What you don't see
Is better yet
By hook
Or by crook
I'll be the last one
In this book
Do your best
But fuck the rest
I know a guy
Who broke my heart like grass
When he came back, I said:
"Darling you may kiss my ass!"
A peach is a peach
A plum is a plum
A kiss isn't a kiss
Without the tongue
Kissing is neat
Kissing is fun
But what is kissing
Without the tongue
I was here
But now I'm gone
So fuck the world
And party on
I was here
But now I'm gone
I left my name
To party on
Those who know it
Know it well
Those who don't
Can go to hell
I was here
But now I'm gone
I've got the beer
So party on
School is like a dick
When it gets hard
Fuck it
It's a boy's occupation
To stick his boneration
In a girl's seperation
To increase the population
In future generations
When I am born, I'm black
I grow up, I'm black
I get sick, I'm black
I get cold, I'm black
I go out in the sun, I'm black
I die, I'm black
But you...
When you're born, you're pink
You grow up, you're white
You get sick, you're green
You get cold, you're blue
You go out in the sun, you're red
You die, you're purple
And you have the nerve
To call me colored!
THANKS
For parking so close
Next time leave a fucking car opener
So I can get my car out
Assholes like you should
Take the BUS
The moon may kiss
The stars up high
The sun may kiss
The bright blue sky
The drew drops
May kiss the grass
But you my friend
May kiss my ass
If all the boys
Lived across the sea
What a good swimmer
I would be
Don't make love
By the garden gate
Love is blind
But the neighbors ain't
YYUR (too wise you are)
YYUB (too wise you be)
ICUR (I see you are)
YY4Me (too wise for me)
Life is not too short
It's just that you're dead
For so long
Math is like sex
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs
And multiply
Studying causes cancer
But smoking cures it
Boys are like public washrooms
Some are taken
And others are full of shit.
Do you know the girl from the city?
Do you know the girl from the town?
Do you know the girl who ruined your book
By writing upside down?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Candy is sweet
And so are you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Here's a present
Just for you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
We are humans
But what are you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Be a good girl
Don't do what I do
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm free tonight
What about you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If I had a face like you
I'd join the zoo
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Fuck the flowers
Because I love you
Roses are red
Bananas are yellow
You can kiss my ass
Like a good little fellow
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Pop open your legs
So I'll fuck you
Roses are red
Violets are green
I like your legs
'Specially what's in between
A friend with weed
Is a friend in deed
Tulips are in the garden
Tulips are in the park
But the best "two lips"
Are in the dark
You can fall from a mountain
You can fall from above
But the best say to fall
Is to fall in love
I'm going nuckin' futs'
Remember A
Remember B
But most of all
Remember me
Remember A
Remember B
But C that you
Remember me
When you grow old
And out of shape
Remember a girdle
Is only 2.98$
Take me drunk
I'm home
I drank too much beer
Trying to hide my fear
I was found in a ditch
Left there by a bitch
Smoking and toking is what we do
Pipes and bt's are fun to do
Hash and pot are indeed great
But acid is, in fact, my mate
Screw me high
Screw me low
Screw me fast
Screw me slow
And when I've died
And been forgotten
Dig me up
And screw me rotten
In case of fire,
Go to page XX (put number)
(on page XX)
Not now stupid,
In case of fire
Go to page XX
Monkeys always look
Sticks and stones
May break your bones
But a fifty feet fall
Will kill you all
Hashes to hashes
Dust to dust
Life is too short
So party we must
Why drink in drive?
When you can smoke and fly?
Fatty, fatty
Two by four
Could not fit
Through the barnyard door
Life is life
Shit is shit
So here's your
Friggen birthday gift
Time waits for no man
But sometimes you have
To wait for a long time
It's nice to be important
But it's really nice to be
Really important
I'm not drunk
You shilly sit
Life is a piece of shit
Then you marry one
Eat well
Stay fit
Die anyway
There are big ships
There are small ships
But there are no ships
Like our friendship
The past is history
The future is a mystery
Today is a gift
That is why we call it
PRESENT
Whatever
I know I'm not perfect
But I'm so close
It scares me
Sex can wait
Masturbate
Don't drink and drive
'Cause you might bump something
And spill your drink
If I had a flower
For every time I think of you
I'd walk in my garden
FOREVER
Rich girls wear bras
Poor girls wear strings
But sloppy girls
Just let them swing
I'm not think
As you drunk I am
Help, I've fallen
And I can't reach my beer
Good, Better, Best
Never let it rest
Until you good is better
And your better is BEST
Double the pleasure
Double the fun
A sweet temptation
Two for one
I was here
But now I'm gone
Have lots of fun
And keep partying on!!!
Beans, beans,
The magical fruit
The more you eat
The more you toot
The more you toot
The better you feel
So eat your beans
At every meal
God made Adam and Eve
Not Adam and Steve
40 isn't old...
If you're a tree
The older you get,
The better you used to be
You should have been
A hemorrhoid
Because you're such a
Pain in the ass!!!
It's better to have
Lobsters on your piano
Than crabs
On your organ
Campbell soup
Makes you poop
Down your leg
And up your boot
It's good to have
Roses on your piano
But it's even better to have
Tulips on your organ
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill
Forgot the pill
And now they have
A son
Peter, Peter
Pumpkin eater
Had a wife
Loved to beat her
Smacked her twice
Across the head
Shanked her ass
And went to bed
Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her dog a bone
When she bent over
Rover took over
And gave her a bone of it's own
Admission is free
So pay at the door
Pull up a chair
And sit on the floor
"It was a bright night
In the middle of the day
Two dead boys
Went out to play
Back to back
Facing each other
They pulled out their swords
And shot each other
The deaf policeman
Who heard the noise
Shot the two dead boys."
If you don't believe me
Ask the blind man
He saw it too.
Men are slime
As we all know
They lead us on
Then let us go
Don't fall for smiles
They send our way
Their motto is
"We want to play"
So be a NUN
It's the way to go
Or be a bitch
And just say NO!!!
MY FIRST TIME
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her an I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
HEr legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Up and down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
He two legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a COW!
I know I haven't known you for a very long time and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I need it very badly. I haven't had it for a very long time. I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft. If you would do it for me, no one else would ever know. I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would. I am very desperate and I need your help. You must think that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juice until it's very dry. It has been on my mind all day and I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. Do you have…A piece of gum???
The Fridge
THE MAN WHO LOVED BEANS
THE DEFINITION OF A GOOD FRIEND
Friends ~~~ Best Friends
Best friend: calls your parents dad and mom.
Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on
Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home
Best friend: they ask you for their number
(cuz! they can't remember it)
Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff
Best friend: could write a biography on your life story
Best friend: will always go with you
Happy Girlfriend's Day!
FOR ALL THE MOMS I KNOW
Subject: Our Moms