The 6th Nightmare: Lost in Valleyfair
More Complete Summary: Faced with "interviewing the agent" again, IL goes with Snowflake and agrees to join forces with Nat. We then go off and recapture the kids and take them to a giant amusement park, Valleyfair. Joe is terrified of rides, Ken gets addicted to gambling, we meet a fortune teller, and gain another Tokomon who loves tormenting Tai. Jun is permanently attached to Matt's side, which gets to be a problem because she has cooties. We meet a marching band with hilarious results. After a long day of torture in the park, they get rounded up and we play a quick game of pictionary before going home and...well, before we get home we have a little tiny accident involving a bad driver...
OK. As you can see from the main page, this story is more than twice as long as the last one. Only a very devoted reader could get through the whole thing without pausing. I was going to split it up into 4 different pages (chapters), but that was taking too long (don't ask) so I just gave up. I recommend saving this into Word so you can keep your spot by remembering what page you're on when you want to break. Sorry! Also sorry that there's no pre-story part this time - I was beat after typing this monster.
Voice: *groggily* What the...? Where am I?
(We are surrounded by fog, very dense fog. Various colors swirl by - pink, blue and green. So many pretty colors)
Voice: OK, fine. Nobody's gonna answer me, I will walk around and find out by myself.
*sound of a large object tripping and falling* OW!
WHAT THE - WHY IS THERE A ROCK IN THE MIDDLE OF - oh. It's a wig of purple spikes. COOL!
(by now, we should realize the voice is Mimi's)
I'm tired of fog now. I shall snap my fingers and it will go away. *snap* Hey why isn't it disappearing? I am Princess Mimi! DISAPPEAR!
YOLEI'S WET-YOUR-WHISTLE BAR
(Yolei is behind the counter. Two "men" with mustaches and big hats walk in)
Man 1: (fake deep voice) A-hrum, um, yes. My name is Tak - erm, Takaishi Jones. I would like a beer.
Man 2: I would, er, like a beer too.
Yolei: OK, what kind?
Man 1: There's different kinds??
Man 2: *kicks him* Shut up! She'll recognize us!
Man 1: Co - CHARLIE, shut yourself up!
Yolei: Hey, you aren't adults! TK! Cody! How many times do I have to tell you, I can't serve you beer?!
Cody: But I'm tired of vodka.
TK: Yeah, come on Yolei. We just want a little sip. One taste.
Cody: My grandfather said drinking beer was okay.
Yolei: No. For the last time, you have to be at least fourteen to have a beer.
TK: What the heck? You're only twelve, and you're WORKING here.
Yolei: Duh, I'm SERVING it, not DRINKING it. Imbecile.
Cody: *starts crying* B-b-b-b-b-b-b-but I waaaaaaaaant beeeeeeeeeer!
Yolei: NO! *shoves him out the door*
Now, Cody, you said your grandpa told you beer was OK?
Cody: *nods enthusiastically* Yup!
Yolei: Right. *calls down to an old man* Hey Jack!
Grandfather: What? *sees Cody, face grows red* CODY! NEVER COME INTO A BAR! THEY ARE VIOLENT AND FILLED WITH CURSING!
(Cody looks around. A group of young women are laughing and chatting softly. Two old men are intently playing a game of chess. Soft, classical music plays in the background, and Monet paintings line the walls).
Cody: Uhhhhh...I don't see any of that.
Grandfather: Quickly! Before your young mind is tainted! *hurriedly ushers Cody out*
Yolei: So, you want the usual?
Grandfather: My, yes. A prune juice and a Pretty Colors to go, please.
TRAVELING FREAK SHOW
(we hear sounds of Japanese techno-babble coming from inside a cage containing Joe and Izzy)
Izzy: Wait! I got it!
Joe: I had it first! (They simultaneously crack the code they have been racing each other to beat. Their cage doors swing open.
Izzy: Now what do we do? (Joe shrugs)
Joe: We could...um...find some clowns to dissect! Everybody hates clowns!
Izzy: CLOWNS?! WHERE?! Oh. Anyway, that's illegal in, uh, whatever country we're in.
Joe: AHHHH! What's that?! (out of the fog walks a figure with spiked purple hair).
Izzy: It's hideous! It's a monster! It's...Mimi?
Mimi: Oh hi Joe! Hi, Izzy... do you like my new wig? Where are we? (Just then a very large box drops from the sky. A label reads, "TO HONG KONG, Open at your own risk!")
Joe: Cool, let's dissect the box to see what's in it.
Izzy: Let's open the box to see what's in it.
Joe: Whatever. (They attack it with crowbars. Soon it has been shredded to splinters. When the dust clears they find...)
Mimi: Packing peanuts? That's it? I fail to see the danger in packing peanuts.
Izzy: Well, I suppose they could be a choking hazard...
Joe: But the new ones are biodegradable, they dissolve when they get wet. Explain THAT!
(the pile moves a little bit)
Mimi: AHHHH! *runs up a tree*
Voice: (from the pile) Are we there yet?
Voice 2: Ouch, I landed on my face. And I'm pretty sure I just got hit with a crowbar.
Izzy: It talks! *follows Mimi up the tree*
Joe: In the name of science we demand you identify yourselves.
Voice: Um, is that you Joe? *Kari stands up and brushes off fluffy Styrofoam puffs*
Voice 2: You'd think that spending 45 days in the dark with Kari would have been more fun, but it was a LITTLE bit crowded...oh hi Joe! It's me, Davis.
Kari: I will say one thing - having nothing to eat but Styrofoam peanuts DID help me lose some weight! I could probably rival Mimi's negative 3 sized waist!
Mimi: HAHAHA I'm down to a negative 5!
Kari: *sob* Noooooo...I wanna be skinny...
Davis: So hey, like, where did you guys come from? (to Joe and Izzy)
Izzy: I...uh...don't remember? *kicks Joe* *telepathically sends information*
We are NOT going to tell him we behaved like him for two months.
Joe: Huh? We were...(Izzy jabs him again) Oh yeah, I don't remember either.
Davis: But you two are geniuses! You never forget stuff!
Joe: Don't question what we do.
SOMEWHERE IN A PARK
(Tai is waking up under a tree, struggling to breathe. He is pinned under the weight of something. Or somethings.)
Tai: Huh? What the...I see nothing! Nothing but pink! *thinks* ***********!
Toko 1: He's waking up!
Toko 2: Hehehe...
Tai: Noooo...I thought it was a dream!
(He is pinned beneath the hundreds of worshipful Tokos, who are blissfully lying all around him. He attempts to sneak away, thinking they are all asleep. He is almost successful, but he fails to notice that a baby Toko has attached itself to his hair)
Baby Toko: Tai, the Fluffy-Haired One, is awake at last! (All Tokos instantly wake up).
Tai: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!! (he attempts to run away, but is mauled by fluffy pink furballs)
LATER
Cop: You okay kid? (Tai wakes up disheveled, showing every inch of the attack made on him by the stampeding herd).
Tai: Where are the Tokos?
Cop: The whats?
Tai: Er, those pink things.
Cop: Oh, some lady claimed they were harassing a young kid and called animal control, then they all got shot with tranquilizer darts and hauled away.
Tai: REALLY?? Where is that kind soul? I must find her and ask for her hand in marriage, for truly I shall never again find so noble a lady to be my wife.
Cop: OKAY...*points to a bench on the other side of the park*
Tai: *skips over to her* My lady, I...
Nat: *throws off disguise* Really, fascinating.
Tai: It's YOU!
Nat: Duh! *shoots him with a forgotten dart* You're coming with me. I don't know what I'll do with you, probably just lock you up to keep Interview Lady from getting you.
HONG KONG
Kari: So, where ARE we?
Joe: Assuming the box got delivered to the correct address, Hong Kong.
Mimi: Where's that?
Izzy: *brightens* Hong Kong! Isn't that where they film that child genius show??
Joe: Sure but...hey! Let's go to the studio and try out.
Mimi: What about Kari, Davis, and I?
Izzy: Um, you can come with us just don’t talk.
(After 20 minutes of searching through phone books they find the address and hop in a taxi.)
Davis: So, who’s paying the cab driver?
Others: ^_^!
Mimi: I don’t have any money! How tragic!
Kari: YOU LIE! *mini catfight*
Driver: Fighting, cost you 3 dolla! (they stop)
Davis: OK, so we’ll jump out before the driver can ask for money and run away.
Joe: Look! There’s the building!
Davis: On the count of 3:
Mimi: If I break a nail, I’m suing.
Davis: 1…2…3! (they jump)
INSIDE
(There are several children assembled in a group. A woman comes around and hands out tests to everyone)
Mimi: *pant pant* I just had to RUN and now I have to take a test?!?!
Joe: Shut up, we said not to talk.
Mimi: (to herself) Well I’m just going to guess on all of them then.
Davis: Damn! I can’t see Izzy’s paper, or Joe’s! Fine, I’ll just copy Mimi.
(10 minutes later)
Genius 1: I’m done!
Geniuses 2-10: Me too!
Izzy: What? How can you be DONE?! I’m on Question 3 – is it true or false that Hong Kong is the capital of China??
Joe: Shut up, I’m still trying to figure out the first question. Was Marilyn Monroe a singer, and actress, or a First Lady?
Izzy: You’re stupid, Joe, that’s the problem.
Joe: If I’m stupid, then you’re stupid!
(a small fight begins)
Mediator: I’m sorry, that’s all the time we have. Turn in your tests. *snatches Joe’s paper away*
Joe: Give it back!
Davis: Huh? I didn’t have either of those questions on my test. Hey, the tests are all different! How am I supposed to copy if the tests are all different?!
Mediator: And now, the final contestants: Niri, Joe Jagger, and Mimi T.!
Izzy: *banging head against the wall* WHY? Why must I fail?
Joe: WHAT? Did you just say MIMI??
Mimi: (spotlight shines on her. She fans her face excitedly and blinks away tears like a Miss America winner) Oh thank you, thank you. It’s such an honor to be chosen.
Mediator: And she scored 100% too – brains AND beauty! (Mimi gasps and fans more)
Joe: No, you don’t understand! She’s a bimbo! A stupid, brainless model!
Mediator: Now now young man, we mustn’t insult those more gifted than us.
Joe: *now shrieking hysterically* MORE GIFTED?! SHE’S AN IDIOT! HER I.Q. IS 10! MINE IS AT LEAST 149!
Mediator: I’m afraid we’ll have to remove you. This area is for geniuses only.
Joe: AHHHH!!! (as he is dragged out) I’ll dissect every last one of ya!
(The others are led out as well. Izzy is muttering to himself and twitching every so often).
THE INTERVIEW STUDIO
(Interview Lady is finishing her last interview)
Interview Lady: OK uh-huh Tinky-Winky, I’ll call you. Yeah, I know PBS is a drag well BYE!
Snowflake: (sauntering in) Huh. The former great Interview Lady, reduced to interviewing cheap PBS characters.
IL: *scowling* What do you want, Rat-Boy?
SF: Not much.
IL: Oh, sod off.
SF: Not much. A simple pay raise…10 million or so. Plus all the cat biscuits and cheese I want, and frequent playtimes.
IL: Cat biscuits and cheese?? No. Get your sorry, pink, traitor Toko butt out of here. I have interviews scheduled. Really good interviews.
SF: Mulder and Scully again, huh?
(Mulder, outside: Scullleee, this baby’s heavy.
Scully: Shut it, Mulder. You got fired from the FBI, so now you have to be William’s babysitter.
Mulder: Stupid miracle baby.)
IL: Uhhh…no?
SF: Don’t you ever get tired of interviewing them? Come on, bring me back and I’ll help you torture Digi Destined again.
IL: You’re on Nat’s side.
SF: What if I get you two back together?
IL: Not happening.
SF: Come on, you had two months to get over it. Don’t you feel better now?
(Mulder, on the stairs: Scully, PLEASE get a real babysitter.
Scully: Keep carrying.)
SF: Hurry up, little lady, the agents draw near.
(IL fidgets more and more)
(Scully, right outside the door: Well, here we are.)
IL: Save me.
SF: Very well. Come with me. (Snowflake pushes a button; the rope ladder falls down. They scramble up, then Snowflake flies them away)
Mulder: You said 2 o’clock, right?
Scully: Why is there no one here? Mulder, tell me why no one is here.
Mulder: It was the aliens, Ms. Scully. It’s always the aliens.
Scully: Oh God… *rolls eyes*
NAT’S SECRET HORSE RANCH (I told you it existed)
(The sound of many whinnies comes from a dusty corral in a desert-like area. The sign on the fence reads, “Warning. Horses attack when provoked. Also when not provoked.”)
HELICOPTER
IL: So, Snowflake, are we almost to Nat’s place? I can’t wait to see her.
SF: Well uh, funny story there. I haven’t actually told her you’re coming yet.
IL: WHAT? YOU IDIOT! *balls fist*
SF: Hey, don’t hit me or you’ll never see another Digi Destined again! See, it’s just easier to ask for Nat’s forgiveness than Nat’s permission. Oh look, here we are.
IL: We’re in the desert. In the middle of nowhere. Where is “here?”
SF: We’re here at the secret horse ranch. I know you already read about it, bad girl that you are, when we were “all” supposed to be outside having lunch.
IL: I READ NO SUCH – oh. How did you spy on ME?
SF: The walls have ears.
IL: Walls do not have ears.
SF: What about the secret wall panel you installed in December that has the recording device? The one you installed because you were convinced that the Girl Scout troop singing “Joy to the World” had hidden violent meanings in the lyrics?
IL: No, I installed that device as precautionary court evidence. I warned them beforehand that they would be electrocuted if they tried to sell me Girl Scout cookies because I didn’t want to buy them.
SF: Yeah. I believe you. Now quit stalling and get out.
IL: Wait, let’s discuss some more of our fond memories! There was that time we –
(Snowflake shoves her out, leaving her clinging to the ladder)
SF: Climb down. Now.
IL” *groans*
(Before long, both are on the ground, Snowflake lands the helicopter, etc.)
SF: I’ll ring the bell.
IL: WHAT bell? ?
SF: *mockingly* Oh, oh, “what bell?? How do I walk?? Who stole my false teeth?!” Right here, stupid.
(he shoves a cactus out of the way)
IL: Hey, cacti have thorns!
SF: Look closely. You'll see a bare patch.
IL: Oh.
(a star shaped button is revealed on the ground. He bounces all .86 of his Tokomon body on it, and the "bell" sounds.)
Bell: *cranky, witch-like voice* Hello, treasured pet Snowflake. Come in for tea and Turkish Delight. Everyone else, GET THE *BEEP* OUTTA HERE! *sounds of gunshots*
IL: Look out! She's got a gun! DUCK FOR COVER!
*runs away to hide behind a cactus*
SF: Get back here, you pathetic fraidy-cat! That's the bell! I fail to see why the Digi Destined were scared of you.
IL: I can be very fearsome.
SF: Boo.
IL: AHHHH! *glares at Snowflake* I am gonna kick you around like a soccer ball when this is over.
SF: Yada, yada, yada. Well brace yourself, here she comes!
(a cloud of dust appears. Galloping impossibly fast, a blue roan stallion slides to a stop, throwing dirt in their faces. When the dust clears, Nat is smugly sitting atop it)
Nat: Why hello, Stephanie. Nice of you to drop by. Come back for more, eh? Want me to overthrow the station again? I hear you've been interviewing Teletubbies lately.
IL: *loses her composure and grows red-faced* Why you little - LEMME AT HER! Come on, BRING IT ON! I'LL RIP YOUR HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS, YOU BAKA OFUDA!!!!!
Nat: What, we've given up swearing in favor of trying to convince me you actually know Japanese?
SF: Calling her "stupid anti-ghost stickers" didn't help your appearance much.
IL: I DON'T CARE! YOU STUPID LOUSY --
(she charges at Nat, fists flying. Nat tugs on the reins)
OW! Your stupid big butt horse BIT me. *charges again* OW! How did you tell your stupid horse to kick me? And why do you even have a stupid horse?! I thought you kept pet Pikachus.
Nat: Now, I could hardly be the world's most renowned horse coat color expert in genetics if I didn't have horses, could I?
IL: I'm two seconds away from throwing a...er...*looks around for something to throw*
Nat: Just give it up. Snowflake, you're OK, right.
SF: One second. *ties and gags IL, who is still mumbling obscenities* Shut up for a while, K? Now, Ms. Nat, I brought her here. I mea, I love helping you raise havoc-wreaking Mustangs and releasing them on the farms and all, but I sort of miss the radio, so I thought...*whispers in Nat's ear*
IL: ARAFUSHLPRINTSMEM?! ("Are you whispering secrets about me?! Stop that!)
Nat: Fine, we'll try it. *unties IL and dodges the punch* You're worse than a trapped fox. Now come on.
IL: *suspicious* You're not going to enslave me and make me pick up after horses, are you?
Nat: Hm, I suppose I could...but I won't. Let's have dinner, and I'll get you a nice room to stay in...
IL's Brain: It's a trap! Run!
IL: NO! *runs away*
Nat: Aww, don't be a bad sport. *throws a small bomb that explodes into a cloud of pink and green gas*
IL: (falling asleep) Ooooh, d*** to h*** the Pretty Colors sleep bombs.
NEW YORK ART GALLERY: FEATURING THE GREAT SORA TAKENOUCHI
Sora: Hmm, oh, tis a masterpiece! A Red Bull energy drink! When they see this they'll HAVE to pay me millions of dollars to be on their commercials. The great and wonderful crayonist does it again! And now to color a picture of a tree. That stupid gorilla isn't the only one who can draw pictures with the under-appreciated art mediums. Heeheehee!
STREET
(Ken is walking outside along the street, head down, lost and penniless)
Ken: WHY? Why did I spend all my money betting that I could figure out all those street card games?
OOH LOOK a card game! *remembers he has no money* Awwww...
Hey! Mr. Card Man, Sir! If you let me play a game, I will give you my jacket! A real jacket, genuinely owned and worn by me, boy genius Ken Ichijouji!
Con Artist: Itchy Jew Who?
Ken: AHH! I must be in a parallel universe where no one knows my name!
CA: Welcome to New York, kid. Now, either BUY a card game or go away, because you are in my bubble.
Ken: What! How dare you? I shall lash you with my whip.
CA: Ohh, I'm a-shakin' in my boots.
Ken: You should be, you...
CA: *Pulls out a giant Kendo stick and whaps him over the head, sending him flying through the art gallery window. The con artist grabs his game and runs*
(Ken later wakes up. He finds himself surrounded by crayon drawings, all by a "Sora Takenouchi")
WHAT? Sora Takenouchi?? I don't believe this. *marches up to a table* I demand to see Sora.
Man: *laughs* I don't think so. Our "artiste" is very busy and available only by appointment or -
Sora: Send him in.
Ken: Wow, that was easy. SORA! I demand to know why you of all people have an art show in New York City devoted to you.
(Sora is impeccably dressed, surrounded by paper and crayons)
Sora: Hello, Ken. It's nice to see you again. Kindly hand me that periwinkle-summer-sky-blue.
Ken: Uh...*surveys the mass of crayons and randomly selects a blue one* Here you go. Anyway, I wondered if -
Sora: *flips out* AH! AH! A...*gasp* GENERIC BRAND CRAYON FROM A RESTAURANT! NOOOOO! *sobs* My career as a crayonist is ruined forever!
Ken: OK. Step AWAY from the crayons. *pulls her away* Come for a walk with me.
Sora: I can't handle the stress! I can't do it, I should just go back to helping in my mother's flower shop. *starts hyperventilating*
Ken: Whoa! Relax. You don't have to draw if you don't want to.
Sora: But I wanna be an artiste! A crayon artiste!
Ken: Let's go. It will be all right. *puts an arm around her shoulders and walks her off*
Sora: Thank you...you're so nice and kind!
Ken: Uh-huh. (he is searching through her pockets for change)
Sora: I mean, no one ever reached out to me before!
Ken: Uh, yeah, that's amazing. *mutters* Where is her money??
Sora: Ken, you’ve saved my soul!
Ken: Yeah that’s great - *finds last pocket empty* D*****, WHERE IS ALL YOUR MONEY?
Sora: I spent it all on designer crayons, of course. It’s a three-pack-a-week hobby!
Ken: NO! I need that money for card games.
Sora: What? So why were you picking my pockets?!
Ken: I spent all my money playing card games while wandering from Minnesota to New York. Ooh! A dollar! In the gutter! Here, I’ll show you. *drags her to a card dealer’s table* This is my favorite game, “Find the Red Card.” (Sora watches Ken lose miserably)
Sora: Ooh, that looks easy! Let’s go find some more money. I bet there are quarters and dollars in all these gutters! And it’s a big city! (they run off in search of more gutters)
NAT’S RANCH: TEA PARTY
(IL wakes up in a chair in front of a table set for four with a sparkly silver teapot in the middle)
IL: Whaa? Where am I?
Nat: Oh! So glad you’re awake. *calls* Snowflake! Teatime! (to IL) So, did you have a nice nap?
IL: What kind of conniving, evil, twisted sort of plot is this? You poisoned the tea, didn’t you? Or rigged the chair so that if I try to escape I’ll be attacked by rabid Pikachus, or Pretty Colors, or…
Nat: What am I, a miracle woman? You were only asleep for 15 minutes.
IL: Oh. Well then, why is the table set for 4?
Nat: You’ll see.
(Snowflake enters, towing Tai on a leash)
IL: Freak on a leash!
Tai: I love that song!
Snowflake: She was referring to you.
IL: Nat, why is Tai here?! I expect to be regarded slightly higher than a Tokomon-chased Calmwood Mental Hospital patient.
Nat: Oh, Tai isn’t really a guest. He’s just here to provide entertainment. Now dance, Tai, dance! *Snowflake dives under his feet, forcing Tai to leap and hop in order to avoid getting tripped*
Nat: Now, Steph, I propose a truce. I mean, as fun as it was to humiliate you and drive the Digi Destined insane and plot evil plots and all (IL bristles), I’m sort of tired of all that. So if I promise not to be mean to you, and vice versa of course, can we be friends again.?
IL’s Brain: It’s still a trap.
IL: Really?
Nat: Yes. You let me tell my jokes and I won’t tie you up in the corner.
IL: Why are you being so nice to me all of a sudden?
Nat: Stop being so paranoid you…paranoid person!
IL: *glares stonily* You overthrew my radio station and made me look like a fool on the air.
Nat: Yeah but…I’m sorry! *lower lip wobbles* Please can we get along?
IL: *bursts into tears* Yes! Yes! Aww…
(a long, tearful hug fest follows)
Tai: Am I allowed to be sick? *turns green*
SF: Hey! Snap out of it and tell her the plan.
Nat: Oh yes. *instantly stops crying* See, if both of us alone got incredible ratings, wouldn’t we be even MORE spectacular as a team? Suppose we work TOGETHER to torture those kids? We’ll drag them back to the studio, and then there will be TWO of us evil sadistic people, plus Snowflake, to drive them insane.
IL: It’s brilliant! Hahaha!
Nat: Excellent.
IL: But how do we get them back? What do we DO with them?
Nat: Well, last time, I implanted little tracking devices in their necks when they were unconscious on a plane bound for Minnesota. Come Snowflake, fly the Toko Copter in search of them. Steph and I will be in the back taking care of the ropes and gags.
Tai: *hopefully* Can I stay here?
Nat: Heck no. Come along, into the cargo portion with you.
Tai: No!
NEW YORK
Sora: Look! A nickel! Now we only need 27 more cents to have enough for another game.
Ken: A pink helicopter?? What in the world? (The Toko Copter is hovering over them)
Sora: That does not look good. Maybe we should run. (they attempt to flee, but end up flying toward the helicopter)
Ken: Ahh! What’s going on??
Sora: Something inexplicable is happening – it must be Interview Lady!
Ken: It’s better than getting captured by Nat.
(they fly up into the open hatch)
Sora: AHHH! (IL and Nat tie them up)
Ken: Not you! You can’t be working together! You ljkashdfkhjalkshdfmmv…(gag is put on)
Nat: Oh but we can! We’re best buds again now.
IL: Everything is right with the world and my interview will again be at the top of the charts!
Nat: Now, Snowflake, to Japan!
IL: BTW why exactly were those kids flying through the air? Don’t you usually just go for big nets?
Nat: Part of the tracking device was a very powerful magnet which I can turn on and off at will.
IL: Any more surprises?
Nat: Um, I dunno. I guess we’ll see!
WET-YOUR-WHISTLE BAR
(Two “women” walk into the bar)
Woman 1: *squeaky voice* Two beers please!
Yolei: TK! CODY! For the LAST EFFIN’ TIME, I CANNOT SERVE YOU BEER!
Woman 1: You know, if you keep driving customers away, you will go of business.
Woman 2: *pouts* How did you know it was us?
Yolei: Let’s see. No woman would ever wear a lime green dress carrying a purple purse (TK blushes) or a red and yellow polka dotted dress with blue lipstick (Cody turns beet red). And those wigs are hideous!
TK: I told you we should have borrowed clothes from Jun.
Cody: Riiight. Like Yolei wouldn’t have smelled us coming a mile away.
(Suddenly they hear a helicopter and are jerked out the door and fly toward a hovering pink aircraft)
All: AAAHH!
Yolei: Wow, pink IS a very fashionable color for helicopters.
TK: You like pink on everything! It’s a generation 2 Mimi AAAH! (they fly into the helicopter and see Nat and IL waiting)
Cody: No! No! No!
TK: We’ll pay you! We’ll pay you half a million yen!
Nat: We’ve already been offered 1 and 2 million, you really think ½ will work?
TK: *hopefully* Yes?
IL: Nice dresses, ladies.
Cody: Shut up. (all are tied up)
GENIUS SHOW, BACKSTAGE
(Mimi is getting ready to go on. An assistant is helping her apply tons of makeup)
Mediator: Excuse me, Ms. Mimi? We have to escort you out. Your mother is here, and apparently you did not have permission to try out for this show. We can’t allow you to go on.
Mimi: But, but –
Mediator: Come on. *drags her out*
Mimi: No, no, no! I look terrible! I only have 27 different kinds of makeup on! My wig has not been properly brushed! (The guards drag her out, clutching a blonde wig, to a woman waiting near the exit)
Nat: Hello dear, nice to see you again.
Mimi: *turns pale* No! That is not my mother! That’s an evil witch, she’s a demon! A she-devil! Call Child Protection!
Nat: Is that any way to greet your mother? Come along now dear. *drags her out, kicking and screaming, by the ear to where the other kids are waiting – already tied up*
Davis: Nice wig – what happened to the 3-foot purple spikes?
Mimi: *GASP* I left it inside! Quick, take me back! *struggles to break free*
Joe: I still don’t get it. How could we lose?
Izzy: It must have been all the pressure; we couldn’t handle it and snapped.
Joe: Maybe YOU did. I was only distracted by all of your mumbling during the test. If it wasn’t for you *I* could have been on the show.
Izzy: My ass you could’ve! I’m 10 times smarter than you!
Joe: Can you do calculus while dissecting a frog?
Izzy: Can you hack into secret government files, make a bomb, destroy secret military viruses, and various other assorted evil genius stuff? And may I emphasize the GENIUS?
Mimi: *stops struggling* I don’t know why you guys are making such a big deal about it. I guessed on every question. *all stare at her*
Izzy: But…but the probability of correctly guessing 100 questions in a row is exactly…*IL comes up and straps a gag on*
IL: Like we care.
(The Toko-copter appears and they throw the children into cargo and gag each one)
Kari: But you guys hate each - *gets gagged*
IL: Or so you THINK. But does it really matter what you think? We’ve both destroyed you mentally so many times that you’re more confused and screwed up than…well, few things are more confused and screwed up than you guys.
Hey Nat, has Tai tried to punch anybody? And I do emphasize TRIED?
Nat: Well, he’s chewing on Davis’ hair, but his hands are literally tied.
IL: Ah. (Davis emits muffled screams as Tai, angry that Davis's hair might be growing longer than his, chews it off) Anything else?
Nat: I think Cody wants the book of copyrighted material he left with Grandpa. (Cody is curled up on the floor in the shape of a C, and forced TK to curl up around him in a circle, forming (C), or a copyright symbol)
IL: Davis hasn't tried to kiss Kari yet?
Nat: Apparently not.
IL: How about Ken? I didn't see any of his whips.
Nat: Gambled them off in gin rummy.
IL: Does this mean we have to buy him new ones?
Nat: Do you want to have fun today? Of course. But don't worry about the cost, Snowflake took care of that. See? He convinced Izzy once to tell him how to break into the Federal Treasury. Later he went in and stole the money-making machine.
IL: But he doesn't even weigh one full pound!
Nat: True, but then he can also become a wild and unpredictable Batpig. Plus he has several thousand children.
IL: Oh. Well, how is everyone else doing down there?
Nat: *shrugs* Insane, terrified, hungry, cold, and filled with murderous rage. The usual.
IL: You know, they claim to be geniuses (well at least 3 of them do) and yet we've managed to catch them all...5 times now? Actually, once upon a time, all I had to do was tell them things. "Grandpa said to do it. There's lab animals. Kari's going on a date with your enemy here. Catch the pretty clothes." You know what's REALLY scary? The first time I met them, they just came on the show because they WANTED to. How weird is that?
SF: *calls down* Yo! I found the last two! They're 2 feet apart and moving rapidly. Since all the fighting couples are already trapped, shall I assume Jun is trying to kiss Matt again?
Nat: Yep, that, or something unmentionable.
(angry shrieks burst from Davis, who is probably claiming to be emotionally damaged from that statement and threatening to sue for 3 bazillion dollars)
Nat: Shut UP Davis, or I'll beat you with a crowbar!
(angry shrieks change to whimpers)
And it is NOT an "other" Thursday, do you hear me?!
IL: Crowbars, huh?
Nat: Yeah, that or little sticks, whichever is handier.
SF: Report - closing in fast on Jun and Matt. Come up front and witness more flying, cursing humans!
(IL and Nat go up to watch)
IL: You know, this is really fun. Why didn't we do this before?
Nat: Eh, I dunno. Look, there they are!
(she points down. Matt is running so fast that dust billows out behind, but Jun is right next to him, squeaking enthusiastically - and skipping)
Jun: Oh, isn't this a wonderful exercise, Matt? We should spend more time together! Now give me a kiss!
Matt: NO! NO! I WILL NOT KISS YOU, EW!
Jun: But Matt, we're married now.
Matt: WHAT? WE ARE NOT! WHO married us?! WHEN did we get married?!
Jun: I did! You were asleep, so I came in and said all the stuff and we were married!
Matt: No we weren't! One of the parties involved in matrimony cannot be unconscious at the time! NEITHER MAY one of the parties also be the priest/pastor/reverend/person who marries them!
Jun: Fine then, we eloped.
Matt: NO! NO!
Jun: Well we're running away together, aren't we?
Matt: ...PLEASE GOD SAVE ME!!
(Suddenly he flies off his feet into the air, zooming up and away)
WOW! IT WORKED! I'M SAVED! God is real! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!! IN YOUR FACE, JUN! Hahaha, this is the greatest day of my life!
(a few seconds later, Jun jerks up in the air and flies after him)
Matt: WHAT?! AHHHHHH!! GOD IS AN EVIL, UNJUST CHEAT! HELP!
Jun: Hi again, Mattsy! I wuv u!
(Matt tries to spit at her, but the wind blows it back all over his face)
Matt: EW! WHY?! Why must you follow me EVERYWHERE I go??
Jun: I don't follow you everywhere...I haven't followed you into the shower. Yet.
Matt: YET?!
Jun: Look Matt! God made us be angels so that we can live together for the rest of time!
Matt: We are not dead, idiot. Er, I don't think we are.
Jun: Hey, what's that thing? *points at Toko-Copter*
Matt: *turns pale* No! It's not God, it's Satan! AH! THERE'S THE PINK SATAN! (he and Jun fly up into the chopper)
Nat: Hi Matt, remember me? (Matt starts twitching, remembering numerous electrocutions)
IL: How about me?
Matt: Oh no! Satan the First!
IL: Don't worry, it will be a nice short ride - you two are the last to picked up on the flight. We'll tie you up and leave you down below with the other lost souls until we want you again.
Matt: N-jfajfhfgreioaaskhdfmmvlw! (he is tied and gagged)
IL: To amuse yourselves, please direct your attention to this large screen, where we will be showing a special airing of "Spongebob Squarepants."
(muffled screams arise from the bottom)
Nat: Hey, if you don't like that, we can always show "Eight Thousand Pictures of Rocks and Minerals." It's an educational special normally reserved for third graders in summer school.
Izzy: Hakhjdfhkjhcuwlahfuewa...! (I love that one! I stole the school's copy and watch it on Sturday nights!)
Davis: Muiaooerjcalhjlke! (I've already seen it twice!)
IL: Hey, how far ARE we from the studio?
Nat: Is it still standing?
IL: Yeah, after the first two interviews I made it bombproof.
Nat: In that case, we should be there within 2 hours.
IL: Let's go plan a bunch of stuff to do in case they stop fighting.
Nat: NO guest stars, OK?
IL: But I like them!
Nat: We'll see. For now, let's just check on the pets and make sure that our Pretty Colors are quite well stocked.
*2 hours and many muffled screams later*
(After mumbling obscenities for 2 hours, Davis coils all of his energy into a giant spring. With an interesting mid-air seal wriggle, he lands on Tai, knocking the air out of his lungs. Jun has managed to pull herself up, and is wriggling after Matt, intent on snuggling. In blind panic, Matt wriggles away, Jun chasing him around and around at .0000001 MPH. It all very closely resembles a pair of worms – spitting muffled cries of “I love you!” and “F*** OFF!”
Joe and Ken, following Izzy’s example, are staring intently at the wall, apparently convinced that they have enough willpower to mentally get their gags off. Cody has formed himself into a “T” and forced TK to contort into an M. Why TK? He’s nice and tall. How did he force him? Think “Murders With Eyes.”
Mimi has been eyeing the dresses for some time now. Stealthily she begins to squirm toward “The Human M.” TK shrieks as she gets the end of the dress in her teeth, but suddenly a bright light momentarily stuns all occupants as the door to the hatch opens.)
Nat: All right, we’re here. Everybody out!
IL: Oh yeah, TK and Cody, you might want to change out of those dresses. Unfortunately, all we have are these…leftover…Girl Scout uniforms.
SF: They tried to sell you the cookies, huh?
Cody/TK: *eyes bug out* MPPPH?!
IL: Eh, just kidding. You’re lucky this time, we picked up some clothes at the local K-Mart. *tosses a pair of baseball caps, T-shirts w/ strange logos, and cloth shorts at them*
Nat: Now let’s go!
SF: Um, they are all tied up.
Nat: You have teeth. Use them.
SF: Even if I bite them really hard, they can’t jump that far!
Nat: No, IMBECILE, chew through the ropes.
SF: Oh. *bites through ropes*
TK: *leaps up* Tokomon! I love you! C’mere, boy!
SF: Touch me and die.
TK: *lip wobbles* Tokomon, remember all those good times we had? The first time you digivolved?
SF: You killed me.
TK: Ooh…you still mad about that? That’s a looooong grudge. Well what about the time we went to the amusement park?
SF: You ditched me.
TK: *desperate* The nice quiet ride home on the subway??
SF: You threw a temper tantrum and yelled at me!
IL: Face it, you abused your Toko.
SF: Yeah, and when the gate FINALLY closed and I was rid of you, what happens? You come BACK, expose me to an egg with feet, force me to turn into a flying horse, and then as if all this weren’t bad enough, YOU MAKE ME BECOME HALF A WINGED TEAPOT BUDDHA!
TK: *throws a temper tantrum* But I waaaaaaaant my Toko!
IL: Shut up, or I’m going to stick you full of needles. Filled with pain amplifiers, not Pretty Colors.
(eventually the kids are rounded up and hauled to the steps. Another round of fights break out.)
Kari: I’m NOT! Freakin’! Going! In! That! Building!
Nat: Oh, please. *pulls out a cattle prod* Git!
Davis: You can’t make me go up the steps. Just TRY to move me. It won’t work.
Crabbe: Can I drop kick him up the steps?
IL: Sure.
Nat: He said something! I thought he was too stupid to formulate thoughts!
Goyle: Hey, why does he get a line and I don’t??
Nat: You just SAID a line.
Goyle: I did?
Nat: Now you’ve said TWO lines!
Crabbe: Hey, I want another line too!
Nat: That IS two lines! Now shut up and all will be right with the world! (Crabbe opens his mouth) NO! But yes, as I said, you may drop kick Davis up the steps.
Davis: Nyah-nyah, you can’t catch me! *runs up the steps* Neener, neener, neener!
Joe: No wonder he didn’t get on the genius show.
Izzy: You didn’t either, you…curmudgeon!
Joe: What did you call me?!
Izzy: You heard me.
Joe: No really, I don’t know what a curmudgeon is.
Izzy: Haha!
Joe: Shut your pie hole, you wayward unchin-snouted mammet!!
Izzy: Uhhh…worm brain!
Joe: Churlish fen-sucked clotpole!
Izzy: (unable to think of a good reply, he becomes the Human Mace) YAAAAAAHHHH!
(Joe, as always, has forgotten that Jackie Chan would run away in fear if he met Izzy down a dark alley. Izzy leaps on Joe, beats him up in 2.8 seconds flat [Nat’s Note: 2.8 is not “FLAT”! To be flat it has to be an even number, like 3!])
Joe: *w/ difficulty getting more than one letter out at a time* O…u…c…h…
Izzy: Do not anger me again. (Joe nods weakly)
IL: March inside. Now.
Nat: Yes kids, now it’s REALLY TIME for you to get upstairs.
Kari: *sticks out tongue* Fine, MAKE us move then!
Nat: You asked for it. (she brings out a black device)
Sora: What’s that?
Nat: Watch. *presses a button. Fire roars out. Mad scramble as kids scream and jump backwards*
Sora: Help! Wait! My crayons…fly, my pretty babies! (she digs in her pockets and pulls out a handful of crayons, then flings them to “safety.”) Phew. You’ll be okay now.
Nat: Hahaha! *torches them* (the crayons melt into wax)
Sora: AAIIIIEEEEE!!! *bursts into hysterics* OhmiGod! You killed them! NO! NO! Not brand-new ones. THEY WERE CRAYOLAS!!
Nat: The crayons…have been destroyed. Now VAMOOSE! (With a wave of fire, Nat forces kids through the building doors. Yolei nervously sees IL swing a sack over her shoulder and pull some cages out of the helicopter before she turns to flee the fire. As IL and Nat take them to the top floor, “Interview Central,” doors are slammed shut in fear while the herd of screaming and cursing kids races by)
INTERVIEW STUDIO
IL: Are you all going to be GOOD children now so that we can untie you all and ungag the half of you who haven't already worked them off?
Tai: Give us one miiiiiiilion dollars.
IL: Absolutely not. Sit down and shut up! We are going to sit down and talk, like grown-up children and interviewers. For one half hour.
Cody: *grumbles* Do we HAVE to?
IL: YES! We're going to talk about your adventures. Last I checked, you were tracking down a freaky witch woman.
Ken: But our adventure was long and boring. And of course we won in the end.
TK: I have amnesia! I remember nothing!
Kari: I too, have amnesia! Guess I can't help.
Tai: Hey TK, I have a question for you.
TK: What?
Tai: HAH! If you really had amnesia you wouldn't know your own name!
TK: *pause* Who am I? WHERE am I?
IL: OK, fine. How about this one: Anyone have any pets? [Nat's note: Heehee, you ran out of ideas fast on that one...I guess I helped too though.]
Matt: What sort of trick question is that?
Jun: Well, I've got Davis...
Davis: I'm not no freakin' pet!
Kari: So you ARE a freakin' pet?
Davis: What??
Izzy: You used a double negative.
Davis: WHAT?
IL: Hey! I believe I asked you if you had any pets.
Kari: I've got a freakish devil cat.
IL: No, NOT your digimon.
Tai: I know! It's called Miko, and it gets tangled in my hair every night and claws my scalp!
Kari: Well maybe if your hair didn't look like a giant dead rat...
IL: What about the time that Tai said, "Man, you whimper more than my puppy!"
Tai: Huh? What...OH! The PUPPY we used to have. Yeah...
Kari: The cat ate it.
Joe: Let's see, there were the dozens and dozens of fuzzy bunnies I used in my lab work. Do they count?
IL: Did you care for them, and feed them and brush them and cuddle them every day?
Joe: Well uh...kinda no I mean yeah...well, I got them to drink shampoo every Wednesday, to make sure that no little children would be ever be poisoned!
IL: Gee, what a tragedy that would be.
Sora: I USED to cherish my crayons...then you KILLED them. Just you wait, I'll get more.
TK: Sora, the crayons were not alive. They never WERE alive. They never WILL BE alive.
Sora: You LIE! *dives on him and proceeds to beat him up, Izzy-style*
Izzy: Hey, no way can you punch better than me!
(Sora threatens him with a fist. He backs down.)
IL: Guards! Batpig!
SF: I'm nothing more than a guard to you now? Very well. *transforms, hauls Sora back, and then unties Izzy - we forgot about him*
Izzy: My muscles have atrophied, having been tied in rope for 24 hours.
SF: Nah, I bet they haven't. (he runs up Izzy's pant leg and scampers all over. Izzy screams and flails his arms and legs wildly for about 30 seconds. Snowflake then slips out, although Izzy keeps "dancing.")
IL: Izzy? Izzy?
Izzy: Shut up! I have a Tokomon in my pants!
SF: You mean me?
(Izzy slows down and eventually stops. He dusts his hands off and sits down.)
Izzy: I'm done.
Nat: Let's move on. So, what is everyone's favorite childhood book?
Sora: Mine is Harold and the Purple CRAYON!
Nat: OK. Anyone else?
Sora: Don't you care? I thought you were once a great artist!
Nat: Well the past is the past...anyone else?
Tai: Are these trick questions or what? You haven't asked us normal questions in...well...a long time! Are you trying to confuse us?
Joe: *snorts* Not a hard thing to do in his case.
Yolei: I like “The Color Purple.”
Kari: For the last time…what do you see in that book? It has no plot, its writer is perverted, and it definitely IS NOT a child’s book, which is what we’re discussing.
IL: What’s with all these purple books?
Yolei: It’s a best seller! Alice Walker is a great American author, just like Ernest Hemingway!
Davis: I liked “Little Women.”
Jun: You didn’t even learn to read until you were 10!
Davis: I liked looking at the cover. So there!
Izzy: I, on the other hand, enjoyed reading War and Peace when I was 2 ½.
Joe: That would explain why you’re so demented, I’ve read the entire dictionary.
Ken: Yeah? Well, I’ve read an entire set of encyclopedias. And I learned to read when I was 1 ½!
Izzy: I don’t believe you.
Joe: Yeah, I second that BS.
Tai: Um, my favorite book is “Hop on Pop!”
Kari: That’s the ONLY book you’ve ever read.
Tai: It worked for six book reports. Why change a classic?
IL: By the way, Tai, have you noticed that you still have a baby toko in your hair?
Tai: Where? *looks up* I don’t see it! *starts beating frantically at his hair* Get out you weasel! You son of a weasel!
SF: Watch it.
Toko: I have a name, you know. It’s, “Snowball.”
Tai: Get out, get out, get out! (The Toko dodges his blows easily, but Tai gives himself a black eye) Why doesn’t that move work on anyone else? Fine, stay up there!
Snowball: I think I will.
(Meanwhile, Jun sidles up next to Matt and attempt to snuggle with him)
Matt: Ewwww! *pushes her away* Get lost you sleazy…
Jun: Did you know that in Japanese, “sleazy” means saintly and perfect?
Matt: It does not – wait, we ARE Japanese. You are so retarded.
Jun: Really? You think so? *hugs him tightly*
Matt: Oh, F*** off Jun! F*** OFF!
Nat: Um, Matt, maybe you shouldn’t yell that at Jun anymore.
Matt: What? Why? …ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. *turns green*
Kari: That’s grosser than “The Color Purple.”
Matt: I’m going to be sick.
Jun: Oh! Lie down, Matt, and I’ll make you some chicken soup and curl up next to you until you feel better.
Tai: I think that might actually kill him.
IL: Jun, if he’s sick, the interview can’t go on, and if the interview doesn’t go on, I’ll get a restraining order that will keep you 500 yards away from Matt at all times and if you violate said code *deep breath* you’ll be locked in jail and will never see Matt again.
(Jun pouts but settles down eight feet from Matt)
Nat: Now, listen up everyone. We’ve had our required Dumb Question Time, so guess what?
Tai: I thought you just said we were done with dumb questions.
Nat: You are not in my favor right now. So, would you like to know where we’re going? On a FIELD TRIP!
Davis: We’re gonna go acid trippin’ in a field?! COOL!
Jun: No, DIMWIT. *swats him* It’s a trip! To somewhere FUN!
TK: Fun. Interview Lady. Nat. No, I’m sorry, that’s not possible.
Matt: Their idea of “fun” is probably taking us to the Weapons Convention and using us as test subjects for the electric injection chair.
TK: Or feed us to the lions at the zoo.
IL: Now why in the world would I pay good money to get you into a zoo so that lions could eat you when I have Rabid Batpig and Pikachus who would kill you for free?
Nat: But anyway, the place we’re going is fun. Thousands of families go to it every summer, as a matter of fact.
Joe: Of course! How simple! She’s going to drown us at the beach.
Nat: I’M NOT GOING TO KILL YOU.
Kari: *snort* Sure she isn’t.
IL: No, we’ve been thinking about it. We’ve tortured you all so many times, and you’ve all been such good sports about it, that we thought we’d reward you with a (hardly at) ALL EXPENSES-PAID trip to…VALLEYFAIR!
(silence and blank stares)
Oh come on! The great Minnesota get-together?
Nat: *whacks her* That’s the STATE fair, you idiot.
IL: Oh. Well, how can you not have heard of Valleyfair? Nat and I used to go there all the time! There’s the Wild Thing, and the Monster, and the Super Cat, and the big old Mad Mouse…
Joe: *freaks out* WHAT THE HELL ARE ALL THOSE CREATURES?!
IL: They are rides.
Joe: I am not riding a monster.
IL: *exasperated* It’s a theme park. With rides and roller coasters and food and games and fun stuff.
Nat: Except there’s no theme.
Izzy: Oooh, where’s the fun stuff?
IL: *grumbles* I already bought tickets for everyone, so you have to go. Our ride should be here soon. You’ll have to deal with each other in the close confines of a school bus for an hour, and then you may scatter loose on approximately 25 square miles of land.
Izzy: Twenty-five square miles? No park is that big!
Nat: She said approximately.
Yolei: I find it hard to believe that you are going to leave us unsupervised for…how long?
IL: Fourteen hours.
Joe: Fourteen hours in a freakin’ TORTURE park??
Sora: Joe, what is this strange aversion you have to the park?
Joe: *eyes well up as he stares off into the distance*
Sora: Aw man, it’s a long boring flashback to his youth.
Joe: It was a long, long time ago…in my youth…
Sora: SNORE.
Joe: I was at a kiddie carnival. It was my birthday, a supposedly HAPPY day. I asked Jim to take me on the merry-go-round…
Young Joe: Jimmy! Take me ohn de carry-sell!
Young Jim: Shut up, you annoying little pipsqueak. I don’t see why I have to be in charge here.
Young Joe: CARRY-sell! CARRY-sell!
Young Jim: I’ll take you on your carry-sell! (he throws Joe onto the moving carousel. He lands on his back beneath a horse in a galloping position. In Young Joe’s child mind, fire and smoke come from its open mouth as it prepares to trample him)
Young Joe: AHHHHH! LET ME OFF!
Conductor: No getting off until the ride is over. And you’re supposed to SIT on the horses. (she swings him onto the horse’s back. Joe looks behind him and sees another equally frightening horse bearing down on him. He shrieks and kicks at his mount, but never moves any faster)
Joe: *ends flashback* The ride was jammed, and I had to ride it for THREE HOURS. When I finally got off, I passed out. Ever since then, I’ve been terrified of rides.
Yolei: So let me get this straight. You were afraid that PAINTED WOODEN HORSES were going to kill you.
Joe: I was five! Or was I nine…
Izzy: “Wooden horses were coming to kill me.” I hope you’ve spoken to a psychiatrist.
Joe: I’ll go to one as soon as YOU talk to one about your pupaphobia!
Izzy: I suffer from COLRUPHOBIA! CLOWNS! Clowns are legitimately frightening, ask anyone on the street. TAI is scared of puppets because he’s an imbecile.
Tai: Hey! Hey! It’s only marionettes and Muppets that scare me.
Izzy: Wooden figures with string. Did trees attack you as babies, or what?
Sora: Tai-i…IT’S PINOCCHIO! AND KERMIT THE FROG!
Tai: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *runs around like a chicken until he hits the wall and blacks out*
Matt: He is so stupid.
Yolei: You know what, YOU were one of the people almost killed by a singing monkey.
Matt: “Oooh, my dreamboat, Ken, is evil! Nooo! I mean, EEK, a lady with millions of hairs is coming to kill me! People – my arch nemesis!
Yolei: Hey, you know what? Shut up.
Matt: Mmmmake me!
Yolei: OK! *leaps on Matt and starts pulling his hair*
Matt: NO! NOT MY HAIR!
IL: All right, break it up now.
Yolei: Aww…I was just about to make Matt cry like a girl.
Matt: You were not.
Yolei: Was too!
Nat: ENOUGH!
Yolei: I really hate having two of them here. No sooner does one shut up than the other comes up with a new torture theme.
Nat: Yeah, well, we put up with THIRTEEN of you.
Yolei: Bravo.
Nat: Anyway, I think it’s about time we left for Valleyfair. Hm, I wonder what the most fun form of transport would be?
Tai: *praying* Normal school bus…please be an ordinary school bus…
Nat: Well, I could have you all tied up on horses and driven in the heat…but that would be cruel to the horses.
Matt: Great, now we’re less valued than livestock.
Snowflake: *glances out the window* Ride’s here!
Tai: (as he files out the door behind everyone else) Normal school bus…
SCHOOLBUS OF DEATH
I MEAN, ORDINARY SCHOOLBUS
Tai: Woohoo! My wish came true!
Kari: Something weird will happen soon. Don’t worry.
(fighting begins anew)
Matt: Jun. Get. Off. My. Lap.
Jun: But these seats were just made for cuddling! See, there are no seat belts to get in the way.
Matt: Get in the way of WHAT?
Joe: Oh my god! There are no seat belts! I WILL NOT RIDE IN ANYTHING THAT MAY INDIRECTLY KILL ME!
IL: Shut up, you little worrywart. I thought your goal in life was torturing animals.
Ken: Well, you see…during one of his experiments in which he was starving rabbits and filing their teeth in an attempt to prove that all creatures can become cannibalistic, one of them jumped out of the cage and shredded his hand. Now he’s afraid of pretty much everything.
Sora: Really? Everything? Hmm…JOE! THE BUS IS GOING A HALF-MILE PER HOUR OVER THE SPEED LIMIT!
Joe: AHHHH!!!! *panics, hits his head on the window, and blacks out*
Matt: For the last time, get OFF! You don’t need to sit next to me. This bus seats 80 people. There are 26 seats on it. There are 15 people here. We could each have our own seat and have 1 seat between each kid. That – (he stops as he sees Jun gazing at him. [Matt: In what I like to call her “Shark Mode” look.])
Jun: Oooh, Mattsy, you’re so smart to do all that math in your head! (once again, she leaps on him and hugs him)
Matt: Ew! Help! BUS DRIVER!
(Snowflake turns)
SF: Yah?
Matt: *double take* YOU’RE driving?! (SF wears a little bus driver’s hat and jacket, with tiny paws on the huge wheel)
Nat: Well, we couldn’t very well subject real people to the likes of your company!
Matt: *banging head against window* *mumbling/singing* I want to get away…I wanna fly away…
Sora: What’s that, the latest song you plan to steal for your CD?
Matt: *brightens* Jun, look! It’s Sora! Isn’t she pretty? You know I’d be pretty impressed if you were open-minded enough to go out with her.
Sora: Yuck! Don’t you point that leech at me!
Jun: *giggles* Mattsy, I only have eyes for youuuuuuuu!
Matt: Are you ever NOT giggling and calling me Mattsy?
Jun: Yup. When I’m kissing you. *smooch* (Matt struggles and flails wildly to escape the Lips of Iron)
TK: I remember the days when all Jun did was follow him around.
Matt: *escaping* I want those days back!
TK: Yeah, I hear Jun’s started climbing up his apartment building at night and peering into his bathroom window.
Tai: What floor are you on again?
Matt: I WAS on the third. I moved to the 58th. It didn't help.
Sora: That's just wrong.
Davis: Jun! You never told me about this. You said you were teaching night school! Well, you'll just have to teach me how to stalk Kari that way.
(Tai half strangles Davis)
Tai: That'll be kind of hard to do when you're DEAD.
Izzy: Tai, have you forgotten your sister's reputation? SHE'D probably be the one climbing up and looking in peoples' windows.
(Tai makes a move toward Izzy)
And have you also forgotten that by the time you finish deciding where to punch me, I can flay you to within an inch of your life?
Tai: *grumbles* Stupid indestructible Izzy.
Nat: Do you kids need a time-out up there?
Matt: Um...I'm afraid to ask what that would involve. I suspect being knocked unconscious is part of it.
Nat: Yep. Along with pampering Snowflake when you wake up.
Tai: Nah, thanks. You just sit back there with the First Satan and discuss how much you really love us, inside.
Nat: That would be one reason you might get a time-out.
Tai: Why don't you find a NEW set of people to torture?
IL: Because you're too much fun.
Tai: Hah! You do love us!
IL: All right, get the Club.
Tai: Eeek! *Hides behind the seat*
TK: Are we almost there yet? And why is it so quiet? Come on, people, talk!
Cody: I am mastering my Evil Eye and Death Rays on the spiders hatching from a nest in a hole in this seat. If you'd prefer I practice on you, I will.
Mimi: SPIDERS?! EEEEEEEEEEKKK!! (the scream cracks a few windows)
Izzy: SHUT UP! YOU JUST CRACKED MY COMPUTER SCREEN AND DESTROYED THE BLUEPRINTS FOR MY HUMAN CLONING MACHINE!
Kari: OK, Izzy? We're going on a field trip, to have FUN. Are you ever NOT working on some plan for science 100 years into the future?
Izzy: Sometimes it's only ten years.
Kari: Sheesh! You're SO boring.
Ken: My material is 200 years ahead.
Izzy: OK, we've established the fact that you're smarter than Joe. That's fine, he's getting stupid. But NOBODY is smarter than ME!
Ken: Oh yeah? Well, I just wrote the 8th Harry Potter novel!
Izzy: That's not intelligence, that's a bold LIE!
Kari: Well, what have YOU done lately?
Izzy: I've mutated the Homeotic Hox gene in rats. I have rats with tails instead of eyes.
Ken: That's a pretty good lie.
Izzy: It's not a lie. *pulls a mutated white rat out of his pocket*
Ken: You SUCK! I'm only up to frogs!!
(suddenly, the rat squirms out of his hands and towards Mimi's seat. Blindly, it bumps into her legs. She screams and jumps up from the seat)
Mimi: EW! I FELT A RAT! THIS BUS IS A RAT'S NEST!! GET ME OFF OF IT!
IL: Hey, hey, hey, shut UP up front. I'm busy organizing the next year of shows.
Mimi: THERE'S - THREE RATS! I FELT THREE TAILS!
TK: Relax, it's just Izzy's mutant rat.
Mimi: Now it's MUTANT rats?! EEEEEEHHHHH!!!!
(Mimi keeps screaming until TK shoves a cupcake in her mouth)
TK: There. You can shut up.
(instantly she spits it back out and screams again)
Mimi: How DARE you?! There's probably like 200 grams of fat in that thing! I'm ALREADY wearing a size 0 skirt!
TK: That screaming is going to make me deaf (he leaves his seat and stomps to the back. As he approaches, Nat and IL hastily shoves aside piece of paper and scowl.
Nat: What do you want?
TK: Are we ALMOST there???
IL: Oh, if it'll shut you up...I think we did indeed rent the Magic School bus. Snowflake, turn into something that flies really fast but isn't noticeable.
SF: Mini-fighter jet it is. *pushes a button. The bus begins to shrink and spin*
(Everyone gets tumbled upside down)
Sora: AG! My crayons just got squished!
Izzy: Ouch, oof, eeh, son of a...
Tai: How do those Frizzle kids DO this every day - OUCH! (he adds this as the ceiling caves in, hits his head, and bounces back out)
TK: Dude - I'm shrinking!
Kari: Duh. So is the bus.
TK: Will we go back to being normal again?
IL: You were never normal.
(eventually, the bus lands, regrows to normal height, and parks. Nat and IL go to the front)
Nat: All right, we have a few things to tell you. First, DON'T complain or try to get up, or the Pikachus will get you. (Three Pikachus are hooked up to little wires that attach to every seat and go into the floor) Secondly, Valleyfair is big. Very big. Please try to get lost. Third, you have exactly 12 hours in the park. Anyone who tries to leave before then will be electrocuted by the Guard Pikachus. (TK raises his hand) Yes TK?
TK: Didn't Crabbe and Goyle used to be your guards?
IL: Yes, but you beat each other up anyway. Why pay money for something that probably won't even be effective?
TK: I see.
IL: Also, anyone staying more than three minutes after the end will be hunted down with Pikachus and electrocuted. (TK raises his hand again) NOW what, TK?
TK: What happens if we die from the electrocutions?
IL: Nothing.
TK: WHAT?!
Nat: Oh yeah, also you will not be allowed to carry money with you.
Mimi: WHAT?! WHY?!
Nat: Uhhh...because you have Japanese money? And this is America?
Davis: Oooh! Does this mean we can take stuff without paying??
IL: Nooo, unless you want to be electrocuted.
Izzy: Is that the only thing you guys can think of for punishment? You used to be a lot more creative. You must be losing your mind to old age. Alzheimer's, or something.
Nat: Did you just call me...OLD? *steam shoots out of her ears* That's it! *grabs Ken's whip and...IL holds her back*
IL: Now, now, you don't want to stoop to their level, do you?
Nat: Maybe.
IL: No you don't. Oh! I forgot to tell you kids…there are chips installed in your necks that will heat up to super high temperatures and cause intense pain if any of you stray more than 30 feet from your assigned partners.
TK: What is your obsession with partners?!
Nat: Group 1...
TK: But we have 13 kids. Therefore, not even numbers, wait...*counts on fingers* I can't figure it out! I only have 11 fingers! Not fair!
IL: Oh, we have that all figured out. Snowflake will be partners with one of you.
SF: *rubs paws together* Hehe, this'll be fun.
Nat: AS I WAS SAYING! Group 1 is Davis and Matt.
Davis: NO! I wanna be with Kari!
Matt: *bows* Thank you, no Jun! (Jun pinches him)
Jun: That's OK, there's no law that says all the groups have to stay apart.
Matt: D'oh!
Nat: Group 2 is Yolei and Mimi.
Mimi: Again?
Nat: Yes. And group 3 is Cody and Jun.
Jun: Cody, this is Matt, Matt, Cody. Get to know one another, you'll be seeing a lot of one another.
Nat: Well anyway, Group #4 is Izzy and Tai.
Izzy: Yes! I can't wait to ride the Power Tower!
Tai: We're not riding that.
Izzy: Yes. We. Are.
Tai: OK! Sounds like fun!
Nat: Now, group number 5 is TK and Kari...
Davis: WHAT?! NO WAY! *tackles TK* She's my girlfriend! Mine! (TK punches back and makes Davis's nose bleed) *Davis starts crying* That hurt.
Izzy: Crybaby.
Nat: Ahem. (it becomes quiet. Snowflake eyes the remaining 3 children. Sora, Ken and Joe start praying) Group 6 is Ken and Sora,
Joe: Nooooooo...
Nat: And group 7 is Joe and Snowflake!
Joe: oooooooooo!
SF: *puts tiny paw around Joe's shoulders* We're gonna have LOTS of fun!
IL: Well then, I believe that is it. Oh wait! We "borrowed" all of the station manager's cards, credit and otherwise.
Mimi: Coooool!
Nat: Now, here's how the cards work. You give me all the money you have, and then if you get a credit card, you have that much to spend.
Davis: What if we don't get a credit card?
Nat: Then you've wasted your money.
Matt: *snorts* I don't feel like wasting money on you. I bet there AREN'T even any credit cards…
Davis: Here you go Mrs. Natalie Princess Whatever, here's some money from me and Matt!
Matt: What the - *checks his pocket* You thief! You thief! You stinkin' lousy -
Davis: Look Matt! We got a Visa!
Matt: Gimme that! Hahaha!
Yolei: Not fair.
Joe: Yes! We got a library card! We can go to the library, the nice, safe, quiet, safe library...
SF: There is no library in Valleyfair.
Joe: Oh. We should go someplace they have one.
SF: No.
Kari: We got a Toys-R-Us card.
TK: Yes! All the toys we want!
Yolei: Huh? An Amoco card? What can we buy with this?? How come Matt gets the Visa??
Cody: Hah! We got a Capital One Platinum Express Card!
Yolei: NOT fair.
Sora: Some things money can't buy, for everything else there's Mastercard. *waves it around*
Izzy: Hm, American Express, I wonder...(he grins evilly as he thinks of ways to hack into the government and FBI files)
IL: OK, I think it's time for everyone to get off the bus now. (TK jumps up from his seat)
TK: OK people! Make shoving room! (he runs down the aisle, shoving aside Matt and kicking Tai. Then he has the bad idea to push Izzy, Izzy grabs the back of his shirt.)
Izzy: WHAT do you think you're doing?
TK: Getting to all the toys before you.
Izzy: You pushed me.
TK: ...yes?
Izzy: You'll have to pay for that.
(TK drops to his knees)
TK: I'm sorry! I'll buy you any toy you want!
Izzy: *eyes gleam evilly* Can you get me an atomic bomb, a can of lighter fluid, and a good videophone? Possibly one with a translating mechanism into French?
TK: Um, well, I'm not really sure those are "toys"...
Izzy: Oh fine, I'll let you go anyway
Kari: Wait, that's uncharacteristically nice of him. He's plotting something evil.
TK: Well if he is or if he isn't, I'd rather he not change his mind. Plus, I want toys! (TK and Kari run off)
Jun: OK Mattsy, let's head for the Ferris Wheel!
Matt: A) My name is MATT ISHIDA [Nat Note: Must remember...NOT ISHADA]
B) WE are not partners! You don't need to follow me around anymore. You're supposed to go with CODY!
Jun: No, I just can't get more than 30 feet away from him. I can be as close to anyone else - you included - as I want. (Matt moans)
Davis: No! Jun, you stupid idiot, I don't want to have to deal with you all day.
Nat: Oh, just LEAVE already.
Joe: DO we have to go to Valleyfair? I don't really want to.
SF: Oh yes, it's the Excailbur for you!
Joe: Nooo....noooo....
IL: Look, in 2 minutes, Snowflake becomes Batpig and I let these Pikachus loose, so...MOVE OUT!
Ken: Quick! I hear that there's games of chance in there!
Sora: Can we win stuff?
Ken: Does it matter?
Sora: LET'S GO!
Nat: OK girls, you're the last ones on the bus. Move out!
Mimi: Come on! Amoco is a really weird card, but there's still loads of stuff to buy! Even stuff like clothes! We might have to break into lockers to buy them, but who cares? (they run off)
Nat: Poor, misguided fools.
IL: Misguided by you. We do have cameras spaced every 10 square feet, don't we?
Nat: Every 5.
IL: Excellent. *flips on the ham radio* And now, that's right! A special edition of Interview Lady, set in Valleyfair! In a few minutes we'll be showing you footage from the bus ride, followed by 14-hour live video streams supplemented with our wonderful auditory commentary!
Nat: You sound like you're announcing a DVD.
IL: Quiet.
Nat: Anyway. Where are the kids' digimon, you ask? Well, Tentomon is still at large, plotting revenge against Izzy. Gatomon, though insane, is the station's second official mascot. We didn't bring her with, though, because um...it was hard enough to sneak Snowflake in?
IL: You forgot Gatomon! You loser! You can't show favoritism to Snowflake!
Nat: Sorry. You can see your vicious killer kitty when we go home. Anyway. Hawkmon was last seen being used as target practice by deranged lunatics...Gabumon lost Hawkmon's trail somewhere in the Alaskan forest. Armadillomon has been captured by a zoo to be used in an experimental breeding program to save a rare species of armadillo. However, since the zoo cannot determine his gender, they presume him to be female. Fortunately, the zoo’s lone armadillo is male!
Palmon is trapped in Professor Sprout’s greenhouse. Gomamon is LONG dead. Now, for a prize of $10,000, guess what Wormmon is being used for? (Moneywillnotactuallybeawarded.)
IL: Fish bait! Ken calls him his fishing buddy and Wormmon thinks it’s perfectly normal for Digi partners to dangle themselves on hooks every weekend. During the week, he spends his time locked in a hamster cage.
*Camera shoots to Wormmon*
Wormmon: He really IS a good boy…just because I haven’t had food in a week…
Nat: Well, snakes usually only eat once a month anyway.
WM: I’m not a snake!
Nat: Snake, worm, worm, snake. Same difference.
*Camera switches back to a pair of kids*
TK: YES! We get to go buy all the toys we want, all for freeeee! I mean, in a way.
Kari: “This is, the story of a girl…who was so happy she hugged the whole world…”
TK: *wince* Do you think you could maybe not sing?
Kari: *glares* Why? You don’t like my singing?
TK: No, I love it, it’s just…
Kari: You think I have a bad voice, don’t you??
TK: Come on; let’s just keep looking for the toy store.
Kari: NO! I refuse to buy toys with a jerk who doesn’t like my singing!
TK: Fine!
Kari: Fine! (They stalk off in opposite directions. About 30 feet later, TK falls to the ground, rolling around and shrieking)
TK: AUGH! DANGIT! I forgot about those stupid chips!! Owowowowowow!!! Kari, come back!
Kari: Shut up, TK, I don’t wanna hear – EEH! (With great difficulty, she squirms back into range). I hate those freaking chips.
TK: That would be because we hate Nat.
Kari *sulkily* I can’t believe I have to keep walking with you.
TK: You know what we should buy? An Evil toy. Like one of those Krusty Dolls that kept trying to kill Homer Simpson. Or the Molly Dolly that wanted to kill Sabrina.
Kari: Or, we could always find a Furbymon to sic on them.
TK: Ouch, those are nasty little things.
Kari: Ooh! Wait! You know how they always have those “pets” they sic on us?
TK: Uh-huh.
Kari: I say we catch one of those rabid squirrels.
TK: Rabid squirrels?
JOE AND SNOWFLAKE
(Joe walks through the gates and immediately stops)
Joe: Look at all the PEOPLE! *shrugs* Well, the park must be full. We’ll come back later. (he turns around, but Snowflake sticks out a paw and trips him) OW! Stupid wimpy rat. I’m gonna take you back to my laboratory and grow anthrax on you…
SF: Joe, there’s a 207-foot drop real close by.
Joe: *leaps 3 feet in the air* YAH!
SF: And we’re going to ride it.
Joe: EEEEEEEEEEHH!! (he takes off in a mad sprint. He doesn’t get very far before he drops to a ball on the ground, writhing in pain. Snowflake calmly walks after him.)
SF: You children certainly have short memories.
Joe: Pain.
SF: Yes, pain is a very big consequence. Now come on, let’s go on the Wild Thing. It’s a roller coaster.
GETTING ON THE WILD THING
SF: Come on, Joe. First car.
Joe: Noooo. (Joe is put into Car 1 and strapped in)
Ride Operator: Ready for the 74-mph drop?
Joe: The WHAT?!
SF: It’s in the first part. See Joe? We’re climbing now. Higher and higher. We can see the whole park now.
Joe: I have a heart condition!
SF: Actually, you have a liver condition. Sadly, Chicken-Liver doesn’t keep you off rides.
Joe: Does too!
SF: Look Joe, now we’re at the top. About to plummet in a mad descent. Think about it. The bar might break. You could crack your fragile, empty head on the pavement down there.
(Joe whimpers. The rides tops. Joe quakes. Suddenly, he drops almost straight down, headfirst)
Joe: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEHH!!!
MATT AND CO.
Meanwhile, Jun is dragging Cody behind her as she dogs Matt all over the park.
Matt: Come on Jun, we’ve been walking for over an hour. Aren’t you tired YET?
Jun: *giggles* Nope!
Davis: *whines* Can we at least go on some rides?
Jun: Shut up, dork. Wait, Matt, do you wanna ride the Ferris Wheel?
Matt: UGH! *pause as he gets a good, evil idea* Sure!
Jun: Really?? Ooooooh!
(Jun jumps towards him, ready to deliver a kiss. With perfect timing, Matt waits until her eyes are closed and then swings the unsuspecting Davis into Jun’s arms, where he bears the full extent of the smooch. He shrieks mutedly and struggles to escape, but Jun is so used to Matt’s behavior that she doesn’t realize anything is different. Matt stands off to one side and snickers. Finally, Davis manages to sink a hand into Jun’s hair and yank his face away. Finally freed, he leaps backward, hollering in terror. Jun opens her eyes, and…)
Jun: YUCK! EW! YOU SICK FREAK!!!!!
Davis: ME? YOU’RE the one that kissed ME! And KEPT kissing me!
Jun: But I thought it was Matt! *looks at him in bewilderment*
Matt: Oh, Jun, I’m so sorry. I tried to stop him, but he just…shoved me out of the way! He was desperate!
Davis: LIAR! He’s lying, Jun, don’t listen to him!
Jun: Yeah right, pervert.
Davis: Blood is thicker than…watery love!
Jun: How’d you like your blood spilled?
Davis: Ask Cody! He was there!
Cody: Well, uh…(Matt warns him with a cutthroat motion. Davis just looks hopeful. Matt warns him with a REALLY big cutthroat motion.)
Cody: Davis jumped all right! You’ve got a sick little brother.
Jun: I know! *storms over to kiss Matt*
Matt: *holds up hands and backs away* Jun, wait! If you kiss me, I might get…Davis cooties.
Jun: *stricken* Oh my gosh! You’re right! I shouldn’t even touch you!
Matt: Yeah, that’s the long and short of it.
Jun: Davis, you jerk! Now I can’t even touch my Matt! Get away from me and don’t come back!
Davis: *shrugs* OK, but if I go, Matt goes.
Jun: Shoot! OK Davis, hold still. I’m gonna see if I can dig this chip out of your neck…
Cody: You know what amazes me the most? Nobody seems to be noticing any of your weird antics. Let’s keep it that way.
Jun: Fine, I won’t cut it out. But I’m gonna walk behind you and kick you every time I think about hugging or kissing Matt.
Cody: Ouch.
Matt: Hm. Jun doesn’t touch me; Davis gets hurt? Woohoo!
Davis: But I TOLD you, Matt did it!
Jun: Yeah, sure. And the squirrels in this park are rabid.
(At that moment, a furry gray creature runs past them, pursuing a pair of kids and foaming at the mouth.)
Kari: Mad squirrel! Mad squirrel!
TK: Faster! Run!
Kari: *pant pant* I SWEAR Nat and IL gave those squirrels explicit instruction to hurt us.
Davis: Soo…do you believe me now?
Jun: No.
RUNNING FROM SQUIRRELS
Kari: *pant* I though you said the squirrels wouldn’t hurt us!
TK: I thought they would be nicer!
Kari: I should never have let you tell me you knew how to handle rabid animals! After all, you couldn’t handle a rabid batpig.
TK: Shut up, at least my digimon is sane. Even if does hate me…
Kari: Surprisingly.
TK: Look! *points to a fortuneteller’s hut* Let’s hide in there! (the run inside; amazingly the squirrels do not follow)
Kari: *holds her nose* Yuck, it smells like rotten perfume on road kill! (They look around.)
(There is a round table in the center of the room with a purple velvet cloth covering it. It is surrounded by plump cushions. The walls are lined with tall bookshelves crammed with dusty fortune-telling things such as crystal balls, decks of cards, teacups and teapots. Candles are lit all around the room and a small fire is built in the fireplace in the back. A purple haze floats around the room.)
TK: Dude, where ARE we? Rome?
Voice From Behind Bookcase: Welcome dears, welcome to Madame Povlova’s Mystic Fortune Telling Hut. Have some cookies, you’re hungry (as she steps out from behind the shelves).
Kari: *whispers* How did she know? (TK shrugs)
Mme: *ushers them to the cushions* Let me tell you your fortunes. (she grabs TK’s hand and twists it to see his palm.)
TK: Ouch!
Mme: Ahh, I see, mmhm I see…*traces invisible red lines with her nails* *gasp* I seeeeeeeee!
TK: What already??
Mme: You don’t want to know.
TK: Yes I f****** do!
Mme: No, you don’t. I can see your inner mind, and you don’t. Now (she pulls out a crystal ball) gaze into the crystal.
Kari: *stares* I don’t see anything.
Mme: It’s not your turn yet!
TK: Well, there are some smoky shapes in there, and I can see Kari’s face all bent up in the glass reflection, and…(all of the other Digi destined suddenly run inside).
Cody: Rabid *pant* squirrels *pant* not *pant* afraid *pant* of *pant* Kendo *pant* sticks.
Mme: Line up please, all of you will have a turn.
[a/n: Hey, there’s no fortuneteller at Valleyfair!]
Nat Note: Says who??]
Davis: Dude, what is this place?
Mme: Quiet! You’re disturbing the mystical energies in this room!
Davis: Sure I am. Hey what’s this? (he pokes at a hanging skull of some sort. The teeth bite him)
OW! OH! No way did I just get bitten by a dead hunk of bone.
Mme: I TOLD you to be quiet.
Davis: What kind of skull is that, anyway?
Mme: Squirrel.
Davis: SQUIRREL?! There’s some kind of freaking conspiracy around here. *gasp* You’re working for Them. No – I bet you ARE one of them! (he runs up and yanks at her hair) I know that’s a wig! Who’s under there, IL or Nat? (he tugs at the hair some more. Suddenly, he yanks a fistful, loses his footing, and somersaults backwards into a pile of staffs. Several bottles fall and break over his head. Madame Povlova is none too pleased as she yanks her hat down to cover a newly formed bald spot.)
Mme: That’s it! You are a rude and disruptive little boy so I will have to tie you up until you can pay for all these damages.
Davis: I can pay; I have a Visa. See?
Mme: *laughs* We don’t accept VISA cards here! How dumb are you?
Davis: But Visas are accepted everywhere! Everywhere I want to be!
Mme: I’m sorry. (she snaps her fingers. Two large yellow snakes loop around his arms and legs.)
Davis: AH! POSIONOUS SNAKES! Where’s that dumb Vee-rat when you need it?
Kari: Technically speaking, those are corn snakes.
Davis: Do I look like corn??
TK: Davis, shut up. I’m in the middle of having my fortune read.
Davis: And I’M in the middle of being killed!
Kari: Corn snakes are constrictors that eat mice.
Davis: What are you, the Snake Expert of the World?
Mme: All right, back to your fortunes…wait a minute!
TK: DANGIT!
Mme: I’m picking up a channel from another universe!
Davis: MTV??
Matt: Have I mentioned that I find this to be a huge waste of my time?
Sora: Well, what else are you going to do? I mean, Jun won’t let you take two steps without grabbing you.
Matt: Ah, not so. *whispers the story in her ear*
Mme: AHEM. I am receiving a message of evil! There is pure evil in one of you!
(Everyone gasps, then turns to glare at Snowflake)
SF: Hey, I’m not evil. I’m an opportunistic, scheming, self-gratifying radio co-host, but I’m certainly not EVIL.
Matt: Yeah right. You work for the Satans. You’re like a Demi-Satan.
Mme: Actually, I don’t pick up signals from things unless they have souls.
Davis: Then how did you read TK’s?
TK: Haha.
SF: *bristles* Now I don’t have a SOUL?
Mme: Well, you’re only a rodent…a TALKING rodent? Maybe you do have a soul.
SF: Dang straight. I have more brains than all of them put together.
Izzy: *snort* I think not, my fatheaded friend.
SF: *sarcastically* Except for His Lordship, the boy genius.
Izzy: Thank you.
Ken: Hey, I’m smarter than Izzy!
Izzy: Are not.
Ken: Am too!
Izzy: Not!
Ken: TOO! (Cody suddenly raps them both across the head with a Kendo stick, rendering them momentarily unconscious.)
Cody: Petty squabbling is a sin.
TK: No it isn’t.
Cody: Yes it is.
TK: Isn’t.
Cody: Is.
TK: HA! You’re arguing! You SINNER!
Cody: *sobs* You tricked me!
Mme: EXCUSE me. The evil one isn’t the…er…little pink thing. It’s one of you 13.
Matt: Well, then, we’ve got a little problem. There are a lot of evil people in this group. Wagering a guess, I’d say…Jun! She’s a dark-hearted demon at the core! (this prompts a breakout of arguments)
Jun: Mattsy, when you say “Jun” you mean “Davis,” right?
Joe: It’s Cody! He’s the one that shoots Death Rays from his eyes!
Davis: Dude! I’m TELLING you, either Nat or IL is in here somewhere.
Tai: Kid, shut up. You’re more paranoid than Joe.
TK: No, you know who’s evil? Yolei. She wouldn’t sell us beer.
Yolei: Beer is the least of your worries right now.
TK: Says you.
SF: Children, children, inherent demon…as far as I’m concerned, you’re ALL evil.
Davis: WOOOO!
Tai: *smacks him* We don’t WANT to be evil, dimwit. Come on, let’s leave.
Mme: Wait! You’re the one they call Tai, and you have a terrible, terrible phobia of something.
Izzy: Yes, that would be his pathetic fear of puppets.
Tai: Shut up, Clown Bait.
Mme: No, no, it’s a secret fear.
Tai: *twitch* I have no secret fear.
Izzy: Oooh, tell us. Difficult as it is to imagine anything dumber than the fear of puppets.
Tai: Hey, Joe is afraid of carousels. Right Joe?
Joe: Carousels…evil…*shakes*
Mme: But you, Tai, you have the fear of – rubber ducks!
Tai: HOW DID YOU – I’m not afraid of that.
Yolei: Quack.
Tai: AHH! I mean, EEH! I mean, what was that for?
Matt: Rubber-ducky, I’m awfully fond of you…
Tai: You watched Bert and Ernie, huh?
Matt: …TK did.
TK: Did not!
Matt: Sh!
Snowball: *squeaks*
Tai: AHHHH!! THERE’S A DUCK IN MY HAIR! Get it out, get it out! *beats frantically at his head*
Snowball: Hey, watch it.
Kari: Tai? We’ve discussed this. That’s a baby Toko.
Tai: It’s a vicious, demonic crea—WHOA! Snowball! He’s the evil one!
Yolei: Oh great, you got them going again.
Cody: You terrible, terrible sinners.
Mimi: *whines* I wanna go shopping for clothes.
Izzy: Yes, I think it would be wise to leave this place.
TK: *pouts* But my fortune hasn’t been told yet.
Kari: TK, we’ve been distracted from our true mission: toys!
TK: *brightens* Oh yeah, we were looking for the toy shop.
Mme: You may not leave! (She fills the room with smoke and cackles evilly. When the smoke clears, she expects the children to be cowering in terror. They just look at her.)
Kari: Oh, was that supposed to be scary?
Davis: *yawns* I’ve seen a man be possessed. I’ve been trapped in a parallel dimension with a pair of talking, floating fangs. I was IN the Digi World. Why should we be scared of some smoke?
Mme: Because I’m also a witch!
Yolei: *yawns* Ho-hum. We’ve already been chased by a witch that can turn into a giant spider at will.
Izzy: On 3, 1-2-3! (He attempts to run out the door, only to become entangled in the strings of beads hanging from the door frame.) No fair!
Mme: Tut, tut. You can’t get away that fast. I’m not done telling your fortunes yet.
TK: That’s what I keep saying! So come on already! I’m getting buttlock!
Izzy: *raises an eyebrow* Please explain to me the nature of “buttlock.”
TK: It’s like when you sit down for a long time, and half your butt falls asleep and you can’t feel it anymore, so it like drags behind you.
Matt: This I gotta see.
Mme: No, he has to sit still so I can tell his fortune. Hmm. Well, all I can read from you is that you grow up to be a romance novelist.
TK: WHAT?!?! You “MHM”ed and “I see”ed for 15 minutes and all I get is “Romance Novelist”?!
Mme: Well, I wanted to add a little drama.
TK: *mutters* I don’t even like romance novels.
Kari: *plops down on a cushion* I’m next! *holds out palm*
TK: *still talking to himself* I can’t even spell romance.
Matt: *pulls out a lighter from his backpack and starts clicking it open and shut while Mme peers at Kari’s hand*
Lighter: Click…click…click.
Mimi: What the heck are you doing? Stop it Matt! That’s annoying! (Matt ignores her)
Lighter: Click…click…click.
Mimi: Stop! Why do you even have a lighter?
Matt: ‘Cause. (Click…Click.)
Mimi: *covers ears* *gasps* You don’t smoke, do you??
Matt: Of course not. I got tired of my junky old harmonica, so I had it melted down and made into a lighter. (Mimi gives him a weird look.) It helps my image. (Another weird look.) Oh forget it!
TK: *suddenly pays attention* Hey! You can’t do that! That was Grandpa’s harmonica! I was supposed to inherit it when you died! *tackles Matt*
Sora: I thought you threw the harmonica in a lake.
Davis: Woo, fight! Fight! Fight! (TK hits Matt hard in the face before he has time to react)
TK: You stupid harmonica-melting…uh…stupid head!
Matt: *recovers from shock* How old are you going to be before you become a romance novelist? You need a LOT of practice; both your vocabulary and love life are incredibly pathetic. At this rate you’ll never make it. (Matt proceeds to pummel TK).
Mme: Be quiet! You are disturbing the spirits! It is especially dangerous in places like this where the veil is thin between worlds.
Sora: Could we get to the Digi World from here?
Mme: I mean this world and the world of the dead! (They look uneasy at her words; Matt and TK back away from each other)
Kari: What’s my future?
Mme: Well...(she consults a large leather bound book titled “Unfogging the Future”) it appears that although you have many talents, you will end up as a nice, kind preschool teacher.
Kari: What?! But I wanna be an exotic dancer! Oh well, who do I marry? (Davis crosses his fingers and prays)
Davis: Oh please, oh please, oh please...
Mme: The spirits are telling me...why, someone in this very room! (Davis faints until Snowflake revives him by dumping water on his head)
Kari: Who? Who?
Mme: The spirits are telling me you won’t marry the evil one.
Kari: That’s not helpful.
Davis: I’m not evil AND I marry Kari? This is my lucky day!
TK: *recovers from fight with Matt* I don’t think so. *moves towards Davis*
Mme: Now, now, we wouldn’t want the spirits to get restless. Who’s next?
Kari: *pushes Matt forward* It’s fun, besides I want to see if you’re the one I m- I mean...
Matt: All right, fine!
Mme: Well, hold out your hand...
Matt: I don’t like strange people peering at my hands
Mme: Fine, then gaze into the crystal ball and shuffle these cards without looking at them. (He shuffles, then hands them back with an “I don’t believe this” attitude.)
Jun: *anxious* What do you see?
Matt: I don’t see anything.
Mme: Have someone massage your temples while you look. (Jun gets up with a big smile)
Matt: What about your cooties?
Jun: Rrrrr! *stomps over to Davis and kicks him in the shin*
Mme: *grabs Kari* You do it.
Matt: Score! No Jun!
Mme: All right then. Yes, hm, I see a star.
Matt: REALLY? YES! I KNEW I was gonna be an awesome rock star.
Mme: Now I see many stars.
Matt: Cool, you mean like at an awards show??
Mme: No, I mean stars. As in the little bright things in the night sky. You, my dear boy, shall grow up to be an astronaut!
Matt: *yelps and yanks his hand back* WHAT?! Do I LOOK like a bloody astronaut? What happens to my band? I AM A TEENAGE ROCKSTAR WITH 16,042 FANGIRLS!
Mme: Yes, well, you see, in the future you release one too many copyrighted songs, your fans realize you have no talent, and they desert you.
Matt: Dangit.
Kari: Well, you’ll still be famous and all - kinda.
Matt: Very helpful, Kari.
Kari: Hey, hey, you forgot the part about who Matt marries.
Jun: Well DUH. Me.
Matt: *praying* NO, no, no...
Mme: Well, look into the crystal ball.
Matt: I see noth - ooh! There’s...that’s not me. I do NOT grow up to have floppy hair and a chin the size of a Concorde.
Mme: Too bad. Now what else do you see?
Matt: Floppy hair EW.
Kari: Matt, pay attention! Are there kids?
Matt: Yeah, there’s a little boy holding a Gabumon...ugh I thought they were gone.
Jun: Oh, our kids are gonna be so CUTE!
Kari: *mutters* Aren’t cooties immortal, or something?
Matt: Hmm...I also see a little girl holding a - *face brightens* Biyomon!
Kari, Sora, and Jun: BIYOMON?! (Kari is grumpy, Jun is livid, and Sora is grinning)
Matt: Yep, it seems I marry Sora in the end. Aw, no happiness for the Taito fans! Haha!
Jun: Why would you marry Sora?
Kari: Maybe cooties are immortal.
Jun: DIE! (She leaps on Sora and begins scratching her and clawing her hair) You stole Matt! You little harlot, you tricked him into it! I hate you!
Sora: Yeah, I’ll bet he - ouch - just LOVES the way you’re always grabbing and - oof! - kissing him, and stalking him - ow!
Jun: We’re in LOVE. Duh.
Matt: No we aren’t!
SF: All right, break it up. *jumps up and grabs Davis by the collar, dragging him off*
Davis: Hey! Where are you taking me? Wait, you’re taking me more than 30 feet from OW! OW, ah, ah, ouch, why am I the one being forced to suffer?!
Matt: OWOWOW!
SF: ...Oh yeah. Wrong kid. *drops Davis and grabs Cody*
Cody: Hey, this is cruel and unusual OW! AH that stings!
SF: Stop fighting. The dust is making me sneeze. *polite kachoo*
Jun: I’m not gonna forget this, Sora Takenouchi!
Sora: Oh no, I’m sooooo scared.
Davis: Now do me! Me!
Mme: OK, hold out your hand. Wow, this is a new one. You have your own business.
Davis: Woo-hoo!
Mme: You are quite proud of it, too. You offer a mobile restaurant too let the poor purchase a warm meal in a bowl.
Davis: Come again?
Kari: You pull a traveling noodle cart.
Davis: Hey! I will NOT grow up to be a traveling noodle man, D*****!
TK: Hahaha, Davis is gonna be a city trash laborer! Heeheehee!
Davis: Yeah, well you’re gonna write sappy love stories for a living.
TK: Oh yeah.
Tai: Hey, I bet I grow up to be a super-handsome hunk, huh? With an awesome job and a beautiful wife?
Mme: That’s right. Except for the part about an awesome job, a beautiful wife, and good looks.
Tai: Well, then what am I?
Mme: Actually, this looks interesting. It seems that in the future, everyone on Earth will have a Digimon partner!
(at this, angry shrieks burst from the older kids)
Izzy: WHAT?! No way. That’s not even fair.
Sora: Is nothing sacred??
Matt: Yeah, no kidding. They told us we were this super special kids with the power to save Earth. We had to sneak out of the house on many occasions. We got, like, zero recognition when we got back, despite the fact that apparently if not for us the world would have been destroyed.
Izzy: Don’t we deserve and award, or something, to set us apart?
Mme: Oh, well, you see that’s where Tai’s job comes in. He will grow up to become the official ambassador for the Digiworld, with a creature called “Agumon.”
Tai: Agumon? No. Agumon is rabid.
Mme: Your hair will also be short.
Tai: No! Never! My hair is my image!
Kari: Your BAD image.
Mme: Well, somehow it all works out.
Kari: Maybe you’ll get a robot Agu. Like the robot cat I used to fight with Davis and Co. Right Yolei?
Yolei: Go away. Mimi is training me how to be a size -3 waist.
SF: Oh, no she’s not. Frankly, inverted waists scare me. Which reminds me, why are only half of you talking? I mean, I know Joe is lying here in a ball shaking because the gypsy hut frightens him, but where are Sora, Mimi, Cody and Ken?
Cody: I am contemplating things.
Kari: Things like “Are my thoughts copyrighted?”
Cody: Don’t make fun of me! *he leaps up to smack her with a Kendo stick, then stops* No, mustn’t hit girls...wouldn’t be right.
Kari: Oh really? Hehe. *poke* Come and get me! *pinch* Kendo nerd!
Cody: Must...not...hurt...girls.
Kari: Come on, chicken! *punch* BWAK!
Cody: AAHHH! (he finally gives up and kicks her)
Matt: Cody! You just kicked a girl! What WILL your grandfather say?
Cody: *sobs* Stop provoking me!
Mme: Move along, move along. I need to tell some more fortunes. You there, with the non-existent waist.
Yolei and Mimi: Me? HEY! She was talking to ME!
Yolei: Was not, Dorkface.
Mimi: Was too, Chunky.
Yolei: How dare you call me fat?? You’re a size TWO!
Mimi: *horrified gasp* Lies! Horrible lies! (the fight gets physical as they knock each other down)
MMe: OK, never mind. How about you, young man, in the back? The one all tangled up in beads?
Izzy: Nah, it’s OK. I already know I’m going to grow up being a genius, revered the world over for my shocking, phenomenal contributions to science and technology.
SF: Hey, shut it Wiz Geek. Let her tell my fortune.
MMe: Oh, aren’t you sweet! You’re going to stay right here with me, Cutie Pie! (she grabs him and cuddles him)
SF: Meeeeep.
Ken: Haha, he’s getting a little of his own medicine. Serves him right.
SF: Shut up, Lout.
Tai: Let’s NOT have another round of Shakespearean insults.
Izzy: I’ve got one! Thou art a stinking, rancid coodgepig!
SF: Why are those the insults of choice for idiots?
Mme: People are amused by what they do not understand.
Sora: Now tell me my fortune! Besides the awesome fact that I’m married to Matt.
Kari and Jun: Bitch.
Mme: Why, you have an amazing future. It seems you will become a very successful fashion designer with a super-popular line of women’s clothing.
Sora: *gasp* No more flowers? *gasp* NO MORE CRAYONS?????
Tai: You just get obsessed easily.
Mimi: Wooo, way to go Sora! You design the clothes and I’ll model them down the runway. VERY nice.
Mme: No, I’m sorry Mimi. You AREN’T a model.
ALL: WHAT?
Mimi: *sobs* But it’s my dream!
Matt: Not to mention the only thing she has enough brains to do.
Mimi: Yes, exactly!
Mme: Well, it seems that you will be...*peers into the ball* a cooking show host! (total silence for three seconds)
Mimi: A COOK?! Why would I be a COOK?
Yolei: Hah, you must have gotten too fat to be a model.
Mimi: Stop saying that!
Yolei: Oh well, I guess I get to be the world’s best model.
Mimi: YOU should be the cook. You’re always eating.
Mme: Look, nobody is going to be a model.
Yolei: Really? Oh well, I guess I get to be a super-good computer programmer, then. That’s fun too.
Mme: No, YOU become a homemaker.
Yolei: A WHAT?
Mme: A homemaker, a stay-at-home mom, a person who has no job except to raise a family, a...
Yolei: Stop! Stopstopstopstop! I get the picture, OK? Well at least I get to have cute kids, and a husband. I won’t be a single, fat, ugly cooking show host.
Mimi: Imagine how fat you’ll be once you have all those kids. And with cooking three meals a day for them, you’ll be doing more cooking than I will. So there.
Yolei: You little BEEP! You’ll pay for that!
(Yolei jumps on top of Mimi, who claws her face. Yolei screams obscenities and pulls Mimi’s hair, causing a large chunk to come away. Mimi tears her glasses off and throws them across the room where they land safely on a fluffy cushion. Yolei scrambles blindly about, still trying to hit Mimi, but instead kicks Cody who gets mad that he can’t even mope about hitting girls in peace. Since he can’t attack Yolei, he throws his Kendo stick at Matt instead. Matt whirls around to see what hit him and sees Tai, whom he immediately blames and tackles. He shoves him into Ken who joins the brawl.
Snowball: Weeeeeeee! This is better than any of the rides so far!
(Kari and Jun take the opportunity of the commotion to attack Sora for stealing Matt. Davis backs away and trips over Joe, who is lying on the floor, and kicks him. Joe gets mad and punches him back, making his nose bleed. Izzy struggles to untangle himself from the hanging beads. Snowflake cheers them all on. Suddenly, strings of beads snake down and pull apart the fighting children.)
Mme: *hair on end, glasses crooked* There will be no disturbing of the spirits while in MY dwelling. Now I’ll finish your fortunes and then you will leave and never come back. The spirits don’t like the presence of the 13 of you. I should have known, 13. By the way, incidentally, Yolei marries Ken.
Yolei: What? But I don’t like him anymore.
Ken: Oh great. Are you telling me my fascinating studies in science and math are going to be wasted on a FAMILY?!
Mme: Yep.
Ken: Dangit. Now I gotta work even harder if I’m gonna win my Nobel before I’m 20. do I at least have a cool job?
Mme: Well...you get to be a detective.
Ken: Sweet! I still get to show off how smart I am!
Yolei: Shut up.
Ken: And I end up smarter than Joe, right?
Mme: Well, let’s see. Joe will become...a doctor!
Joe: No way! I’m a scientist
Mme: Well, you become a doctor.
Joe: ...an evil doctor? Maybe like a Dr. Frankenstein?
Mme: Er, no, like a doctor who takes care of people. I mean Digimon.
Joe: Well, if I’m gonna do medicine, I at least wanna be a medical ex...palein...patho...person who cuts up dead people!
Mme: *gazes in crystal ball* Well, you do get sued for malpractice once or twice, but I don’t see any cut up dead people. Next! You! Really short kid!
Cody: I don’t want to know my future. My grandfather says that every decision a person makes affects their future. He also says fortune tellers are nothing but con-artists who make up a bunch of...(Mme is glaring at him with blazing eyes.)
Mme: You, insolent little child, will grow up to be a professional basketball player, and you will be 6 feet 8 inches tall. When you grow that tall, you can write me an apology saying I was correct.
Cody: *blinks* I’m gonna be 6’8”?? No way, you’re batty.
Mme: You’ll see. Who hasn’t gone yet?
Izzy: I told you I didn’t want to know.
Mme: OH. but I think I’ll tell you anyway. (Izzy attempts to cover his ears, but the bead strings prevent him)
Izzy: No. Shut up.
Mme: Listen, it’s good. You shall be....a digiworld researcher.
Izzy: SWEET! Haha, I got a good job. You hear that Ken? I get to be scientist. You have to be a policeman.
Ken: Detective. And maybe that’s just my day job.
Yolei: You won’t have time for a night job, you’ll be taking care of kids.
Ken: Dang.
Kari: *peeks outside* Hey everybody, it looks like the squirrels are gone!
(everyone starts to walk out)
Jun: Wait, I want MY fortune told too!
Davis: Face it, no one cares about your future.
Jun: Well I do.
Mme: Oh all right...the spirits tell me, you shall become an international supermodel and marry a millionaire. Happy?
(Mimi, Yolei and Kari gape at her with their mouths open)
Mimi: No f****** way! (Yolei glares at Jun with a look that could kill)
Kari: It’s not fair! Sora has no personality and SHE becomes a fashion designer AND she marries Matt. Jun...well...Jun becomes a model and marries a millionaire! I am the glow-in-the-dark child who talks to spirit digimon and has...well had...a digi-angel, and all I get to be is a freaking preschool teacher??
Sora: *looks up absentmindedly* What? Were you talking to me?
Cody: Ahhhh! What have you done?? (he grabs his Kendo stick away from Sora) You drew on it! You drew all over it with your filthy crayons! Is nothing sacred to you?
Sora: I was just practicing to be a fashion designer. See, this one is wearing...
Cody: You little b****! You insult the holy Kendo stick so you don’t deserve to live! *lunges at her*
Sora: Whoa! Down boy! (she sidesteps him and Cody runs into a wall. He turns abruptly and comes back, bringing his Kendo stick down on Sora’s head. She attempts to shove him but accidentally shoves a crayon in...)
Cody: MY EYE! (he clutches his face and jumps around like a kangaroo with its head cut off.) *%$@%$##!_(&@$%@!
Kari: *gasp* Would Grandfather like that language, or the fact that you JUST HIT A GIRL??
Cody: *breaks down into hysterical sobs and covers his ears* Leave me alone!
MAGIC SCHOOLBUS
(IL and Nat are sipping pina coladas)
IL: So...is anyone insane yet?
Nat: Let’s ask Snowflake on the wire. *pushes a button* Snowflake? How’s it going?
SF: Well...uh...the creepy fortune teller lady just told them all their fortunes so now most of them are sulking and now Cody and Sora are fighting because Sora drew all over Cody’s Kendo stick.)
IL: I see...let’s go to the phone lines.
Caller 1: Yeah, hi, I’m “Amber” and I wanted to know exactly why you are so mean to those kids.
Nat: They’re mean to each other!
IL: Yeah, THEY’RE the ones who fight all the time. We just provoke them.
Nat: Why do you even take callers? You don’t like them.
IL: I dunno. Bye Amber!
Nat: So...how are the pet Pikachus doing?
IL: Sparky, Shocker, and Spazass are bored. Should we let them loose in the park? *afterthought* We really shouldn’t have let Snowflake name that last one.
Nat: No, I don’t think releasing them would be too smart.
IL: Oh well. Let’s go back to our special live edition of Interview Lady at Valleyfair!
Nat: How did you get to be a radio show host, anyway?
FORTUNE TELLER’S HUT
Mme: OK, I think it’s time everybody left now.
Davis: YES! RIDES! (everyone else shuffles)
Mme: I thought you WANTED to leave.
Kari: Well you see...we were kind of hoping you’d show us some cool magic tricks and stuff.
Mme: I don’t do tricks. And if I did, I wouldn’t show them to you.
Kari: Make us leave then.
Mme: OK.
Tai: Look out! She’s got a broom! *Mme swats Davis’ legs*
Davis: Ah! Yikes, RUN!
(All the children stampede out the door, occasionally swatted with broom bristles)
Joe: Ow. The sun is too bright.
SF: Shut up.
Davis: Look! A marching band! (a marching band appears)
Joe: I used to be in band.
Sora: Really?
Joe: Yeah, but then I got scared because this flutist kept glaring at me; in fact I got glared at a lot in that class...anyway I quit.
Sora: You weren’t remarkably out of tune, were you?
Davis: I wanna play a trombone! Those are cool, or one of those awesome huge saxophone things.
TK: I used to play drums.
Matt: Don’t remind me. *winces* Anyway, everyone knows I’m not in band, I’m in a band. I play a guitar. I also play the harmonica. In fact, have I mentioned my thousands of fangirls?
Tai: It would be cool to play in band. I know! Let’s ask them if we can borrow their instruments for a while.
Joe: No. They scare me. No. No. No.
TK: Let’s just take them away from them. They won’t care.
Izzy: That would be grand theft! Instruments are worth thousands of...I mean, good idea!
Davis: Okay, they’re coming closer, on the count of 3!
Joe: Not a good idea.
Sora: Isn’t that Mr. Rantanen? He was our creepy band teacher in 5th grade. He’s the reason I quit band!
Tai: Yeah, but then he moved to Minnesota to teach band there.
Sora: Maybe that’s why he’s here. We are in Minnesota.
Davis: 1...2...3!
Joe: Not a good idea.
(The Digi kids run at the band kids, who stop playing in confusion)
[For the reference of the reader, here are the important band kids:]
Clarinet: Laurel
Flute: Brandi and Stephanie
Piccolo: Robin
Alto Sax: Kelly
Tenor Sax: Ryan
Baritone Sax: Shannon
Sousaphone: John D.
Trombone: Becky
Oboe: Natalie
French Horn: Josh
Trumpet: Bjorn
Drums: Seija
Slide Whistle: John G.
Josh: *looks scared* Ahhh! *shoves his French horn in to Sora’s hands* Here, you take it!
Sora: That was easy.
Joe: That kid seemed familiar for some reason.
Davis: *rushes at two flutists* I’m gonna get you!
Bradi: *plays a very sharp, high pitched note* Take that!
Davis: Ah!! My ears!
Stephanie: Bad boy! (They both bash him on the head with their shiny silver bashing stick flutes)
(Ken pulls out his whip and whips it at the redheaded trombone player, snaps it around, and attempts to pull it our of her hands)
Becky: Hey! *lets go of her slide, so that it flies out and hits Ken in the face*
Ken: Ouch! Hey, not bad! I want that instrument!
Becky: You can’t have it. Mr. Rantanen would be mad.
Ken: Maybe you didn’t hear me. *flicks his whip in the other direction*
Becky: Okay! *brightly* You can have it. *runs away*
Joe: *taps a tall, skinny girl on the back* Excuse me, ma’am? May I borrow your clarinet? I promise to take good care of it.
Laurel: I’m in weight lifting , you know.
Joe: But I’ll take very, very good care of it. And I’ll give you, um, this nice talking stuffed animal!
SF: *growls*
Laurel: What the heck is that thing?
Joe: A very cute little toy from Japan.
(Suddenly, Davis is thrown through the air by the two flutes and flies between Laurel and Joe)
Laurel: You just won’t quit, will you? *marches off*
Joe: But I want it!
Laurel: Shut up and go away.
Davis: Fine, I don’t like flutes anyway. I want...that thing, whatever it is! *runs up, yanks the clarinet out of Laurel’s hands, and runs off giggling* Heeheehee!
Joe: Get back here! *chases after Davis* I can actually PLAY that instrument! It’s the ONLY one I can play!
Mimi: *walks up to a girl with a small silver piccolo* Oh, how cute, a mini-flute! Lemme see!
Robin: Take off half a pound of make-up and then we’ll talk.
Mimi: But I wanna see it now.
Robin: Back away. Quickly.
Mimi: I’ll scream if you don’t give it to me!
Robin: HAH! Can it sound any worse than *plays a note 9 lines above the staff...aka Very High C*?
Mimi: (not missing a beat) EEEEEEEEEEEHHH! (aka Very High G) If it was any higher it would be...hey, where did she go? *Robin has run off with her hands over her ears*
Mimi: *picks up the dropped piccolo* Oh well! Mine now.
Jun: *runs up to a blond kid* Ooh! You’re cute! Sign my shirt!
Bjorn: Ew, it smells.
Jun: Why does everyone say that?! Just sign it, OK? All cute boys have to sign my shirt.
Bjorn: I see.
Jun: Can I play your trumpet?
Bjorn: NO.
Jun: Will you play it for me?
Bjorn: Sure. *starts playing the bugle Army-wake-up call*
Jun: Heeheehee, I got it! *grabs it and runs* Oh boy, only three keys! This should be easy to play!
Bjorn: Come back here! I just got that one; it’s silver and new! You can have my crappy old br...GOLD one!
Jun: No! (Bjorn chases after her, but just as he gets going, Joe runs the opposite way and Bjorn crashes into Laurel.)
Laurel: Outta my way! That kid has my clarinet!
Bjorn: YOU get out of MY way, that spiky-haired kid has my Stradivarius trumpet!
Laurel: But...a spiky haired kid grabbed my clarinet!
Bjorn: Hey, is that him?
Laurel: Maybe. 3...2...1...(they both leap on Tai, who is calmly talking to John, the percussionist, who has a slide whistle)
Tai: Oh, I see. So you go like YAAAHHH!! (just before he tries to play it, he gets tackled. The slide whistle subsequently gets rammed up his nose)
OWOWOW!
John: Uhh...you keep it.
TK: *runs up to a girl with glasses and sparkly blue snare drums* DUDE! I used to play the bongos.
Seija: I see.
TK: Can I play yours?
Seija: EW!
TK: What? What did I say?
Sora: Don’t worry. It was dirty.
TK: Yay!
Seija: Yuck! (she slaps his hands with the drumsticks, and TK grabs them and runs away.)
Cody: All these tall kids...very creepy. (he attempts to slink away, but bumps into a very large white instrument) Ahhh! What is THAT?
John: Hey! Don’t touch my sousaphone!
Cody: Sousa-what?
John: Sousaphone.
Cody: Why does it have duct tape on it?
John: Tough guy, huh? Never would have thought, for a little guy like you.
Cody: *straightens* I’m not that little!
John: Hah, I bet you can’t even lift this.
Cody: How much does it weigh?
John: More than you.
Cody: But I weight a whole 73 pounds.
John: Told you...74 pounds, right here.
Cody: Wow!
John: Come on, lift it. *Cody tries and lifts it 1 inch* Yes! I have a tuba carrier! *skips away*
Cody: Huh? Oh well, now I have an instrument at least. (He tries to put it over his shoulder but isn’t tall enough. His shoulder doesn’t reach the top tube where it’s supposed to rest.)
Matt: *taps on Kelly’s shoulder* Hi
Kelly: Who are you?
Matt: You...you...don’t know who I am?
Kelly: Well, you’re too blond to be Harry Potter...um, Leo DiCaprio?
Matt: What? No. No. I am MATT of the Teenage Wolves.
Kelly: Is that the Japanese band that got in huge trouble for plagiarizing songs from all over the world?
Matt: *grins* Yup, that would be the one!
Kelly: Haven’t you ever heard of MAKING UP YOUR OWN SONGS??
Matt: Huh? What’s that?
Kelly: You know, like improv. and stuff.
Matt: Anyway, can I try playing your alto sax?
Kelly: Now you’re stealing music AND instruments?
Jun: Mattsy! Look at my cool trumpet!
Matt: AHH!! *grabs the saxophone away from Kelly and runs away*
Kelly: OK. That was weird.
(A few yards away, Stephanie and Brandi are waving their flutes like swords*
Izzy: Is flute hard to play?
Stephanie: Not really. *moves closer to bash him*
Izzy: *backs away* What’s the hardest instrument to play?
Stephanie: Oboe, for sure. I tried to learn it but I couldn’t.
Brandi: I learned to play it. But it’s kind of hard, I guess.
Izzy: OK, thank you. (he runs away, narrowly missing having his head bashed as Brandi, having snuck up behind him, swings her flute through the air)
Brandi: Dang.
(Izzy makes his way over to where Kari and Yolei are up against Ryan [tenor sax], Shannon [baritone sax], and Natalie [oboist]. Kari jumps on Shannon’s back and attempts to smack her face. Ryan knocks off Yolei, who is hanging onto his tenor. Izzy jumps on Natalie.)
Natalie: Get off of me! *body slams him, he grabs her legs and pulls her down and grabs her oboe* (Izzy runs over to join the other DD with instruments. Shannon and Ryan notice they are the only band kids left)
Ryan: Let’s get outta here you guys. *they run off without their saxophones*
Yolei: Wahoo! *grabs the tenor* Cool!
Kari: Cool bari!
(Just then, Davis comes crashing through the bushes at the side of the path, Joe close behind. Joe leaps on him and wrestles him to the ground.)
Joe: Mine! *grabs the clarinet and stands up triumphantly*
Davis: No fair! I couldn’t run far enough from Matt to get away! Stupid neck things.
Joe: Well, there appears to be one instrument left...(On the ground is a shiny silver flute.)
Davis: No way! That things almost dented my head! Kari, let me have that sax, and you can have the flute. Girls like flutes.
Kari: No way. *Davis grumbles*
Tai: So..who wants to attempt to play these things?
Joe: Attempt? There is no attempt. I CAN play it. Watch me. *Do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, ti, SQUEAK!*
Tai: Nice job.
Joe: Shut up. *mi, fa, sol, la, ti, SQUAWK!*
Tai: Face it, Joe, you suck.
Joe: *turning red* I do not. *starts playing “Mary Had a Little Lamb”*
(Mary had a HONK-tle lamb, SQUEAK-tle lamb, little lamb, Mary had HONK little lamb...) (the rest is cut off as Matt yanks it out of his mouth.)
Matt: You’re going to ruin my ears!
Joe: Yeah, well, why don’t you play that thing?
Matt: Maybe later.
Tai: Well, unlike Matt, I actually took the time to talk to my musician and learn how to play it. Here goes. *starts slide-whistling perfectly*
Jun: OK, trumpet time! (She blows into it. Fuzzy air comes out.)
Ken: You have to sort of buzz your lips when you blow.
Jun: Ugh, it tickles!
Ken: Well, that’s how you play a brass instrument. Just like this one. *starts playing a few notes*
Tai: Hey, you never said you played that in band!
Ken: *shrugs* I’ve never played it before. It does help to be a genius.
Davis: Stupid flute. Why do I have to play the stupid girly instrument? *picks it up* How do you play this stupid thing, anyway? (he turns it upside down, holds it like a clarinet, and blows into the hole. No sound comes out.)
Hey, it’s broken! *bangs it against the ground a few times* I got a defective instrument!
Ken: You dimwit, that’s not how you hold it. (he flips it up so that it is horizontal, the end sticking out to Davis’ right. THAT’S how you hold a flute. And you don’t blow straight into the hole, you try to aim...just blow across the hole.
Davis: Geez, my hands are like two feet apart on this thing. My fingers are being abnormally stretched! (he tries to play; a fuzzy sound of mostly air comes out)
Ken: Try to pinch your lips together more, Aim the air into it a little. OK. Now hold down these four fingers. That’s a B flat. Pick up these two and play a C.
Davis: I can’t remember all that!
Ken: Just blow.
Davis: SICK!
Ken: You’ve got a dirty mind.
Davis: I know. *grumbles more, then blows across the plate. A weak sound comes out.)
I did it! I can play the flute!
Ken: You can *sort of* play one note. But you have to put more air behind it.
Davis: *takes a huge breath, then an ear-splittingly high scream comes out*
Matt: AH! Can’t anyone here learn to play their instruments QUIETLY?? Some of us need our ears for tuning purposes in our professional bands.
TK: See, I’m smart. I found and easy instrument: drums. All you have to do is hit them. Funny, you’d think Tai or Davis would have wanted these.
Izzy: OK, those are all fine and simple instruments, but an OBOE, now, that is a challenge. Notice the double reeds that must vibrate to make sound. Too hard or too soft, and you won’t get anything.
Snowball: (to Tai, who is slide whistling away) Stop it! My ears hurt! They hurt so much I can’t put any energy into hurting you!
Tai: Well duh. *5 hapy slide whistles*
Snowball: No wait, I got it *begins “singing”*
TK: Ah! It sounds like a cat being gutted alive!
Kari: And how do you know what that sounds like?
TAI: I can’t TAKE it anymore...I’m gonna shave my head!
Izzy: Hey, wanna hear something cool? *begins playing snake charming music*
(Tai’s hand, with a big pair of scissors, is an inch from his head. Suddenly, there is a frantic scrabbling in Tai’s hair)
Tai: What’s going on up there?!
(With little gnawing teeth, Snowball chops his way out of the jungle and then leaps out of Tai’s hair. Tai stares for a minute, then giggles hysterically)
I’m free! I’m free! YYAAAYY!!!! *runs around slide-whistling*
(Snowball skids to a stop in front of Izzy and raises his front paws in the air as he sits up on his haunches, staring intently)
Snowball: I am at your service.
Kari: Oh cool, you can control that Toko!
SF: Snowball, what are you doing? Stop that!
Tai: Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
*Izzy gets an idea*
Izzy: Hmm...*begins walking toward the bridge over a small pond*
SF: No! Stop! (he leaps on the end of the oboe. Although his teeth leave deep marks in it, .86 pounds fail to rip down the oboe)
All right, fine. SNOWBALL! LISTEN TO ME! Radio Tokomons are supposed to control Digi Destined! Not the other way around! *Snowball ignores him* FINE! (mouth open, he dives on Snowball. Dimly recognizing a threat to his servitude, Snowball fights back. The pair roll around in the dust, snarling and snapping. The DD gather around in a circle and cheer them on.)
Kari: This is really funny. It’s like watching a pair of rats fighting!
Yolei: No, it IS a pair of rats fighting.
Matt: Haha! The Pink Satan and its Satanic spawn are destroying each other!
Yolei: What IS your fascination with Satan?
Matt: I can’t help it if it’s everywhere I look.
Tai: I’m free! I’m free! (he leaps on Izzy and starts hugging him)
Izzy: Tai. Hands. Off. Now.
(during the brief pause in playing, Snowflake pins Snowball down and nips him sharply. Snowball shakes his head and looks around.)
SB: Huh? What’s going on? Why aren’t I in Tai’s hair????? (SF whispers in his ear)
He did WHAT?! *bristles and glares at Izzy*
Izzy: What? What did I do?
SB: You tried to use me like I’ve been using Tai!
Izzy: No, I didn’t mean to! It just happened!
SF: I think you should punish him.
SB: Me too. (with a little snarl, he advances on Izzy)
Izzy: Wha...what are you doing? *Snowball nimbly leaps on Izzy’s head and settles down tightly on top*
SB: I’m going to live in YOUR hair.
Tai: YES! All hail Snowball! *drops to his knees and bows*
Matt: Get up. *rolls eyes*
Izzy: But...but...you can’t do that! You said my hair’s too short!
SB: It is. I’m going to live on TOP of your head.
Izzy: No!
SB: Yes! You’re going to walk around with me on your head, and when people ask what I am...
Izzy: I can tell them it’s a hideous, cancerous growth?
SB: Consider this your one warning before I shred your hand off.
Izzy: Come on, get off. I’ll do anything you want!
SB: All I want is a free ride. This is better than being in Tai’s hair, anyway. I can see lots more without all that fur blocking my view.
Sora: I have an idea. Let’s forget about the pink rats and start playing our stolen instrument. Mine’s the prettiest.
*Displays her French horn, now sporting a rendition of Monet’s bridge over water*
Matt: How did you do that?? I didn’t even think it was POSSIBLE to draw on brass with crayons.
Sora: Artist’s secret.
Matt: OK, here we go. And a 1, and a 2, and a 1-2-3-GO! *silence*
Matt: OK, see, when I say “go” you’re supposed to start playing.
Joe: Anything! And a 1, 2, 3, go!
(A medley of shrieks, groans, and “Mary had HONK lit-SQUAWK SQUEAK!” come from the instruments. Matt frantically motions them to stop)
What are you trying to do to my ears?!?!
Sora: Shut up about your sodding ears! We don’t care!
Matt: I’m sick of your attitude! You’re out of my band!
Sora: Fine! It was a crappy band anyway!
Joe: Since when was it actually HIS band...
Matt: Shut up Joe, or you’re next!
Joe: Sorry!
Sora: Fine! It’s the stupidest, suckiest band in the whole world!
Matt: Get back here and say that to my face. *Sora gets in his face and repeats it*
You wanna pit that against this saxophone??
Sora: YAAAAHHH!! *charges Matt*
Ken: Wait, wait, I bet $25 that Sora kicks Matt’s butt. OK, you can fight now.
(Sora swings her French Horn. Matt counterattacks with a bone-jarring clash from the saxophone. Dents and scratches appear on both)
Cody: *gasp* Stop! Stop the madness! Not only have you stolen valuable instruments, NOW you are DESTROYING them!
Tai: Shut up, Tuba-Boy.
(the fight between Sora and Matt continues until Matt knocks Sora’s French Horn into the bushes.)
Ken: Da****!
Matt: Now, let’s try this again. Let’s do Jingle Bells.
Yolei: Are you INSANE? It’s JUNE!
Tai: I’m tired of playing now. Let’s go do something else.
Izzy: Take your damn toko back too.
SB: HAH. I think not, my fat-headed friend.
Kari: I don’t wanna leave, I haven’t even played a freakin’ note yet!
Matt: Yeah, get back here and play your instruments!
Jun: OK Mattsy! *garbles several notes on her trumpet*
Bjorn’s Distant Voice: PUT MY TRUMPET DOWN! YOU’RE RUINING IT! YOU’LL GET COOTIES ON IT!
Matt: Yeah. YOU can run along and do something else.
Jun: No, let’s play a trumpet-saxophone duet!
Matt: Umm...mine’s not really in good playing condition right now...(Sora’s blows have mashed it out of shape. The neck is now bent in the opposite direction, three keys are fused together, and places are squished flat.)
Jun: *gasp* Mattsy, you poor thing! I feel so bad for you! *hugs him tightly*
Matt: *chokes and screams* What are you doing? YOU HAVE COOTIES!
JUn: Oh my God! What was I thinking?? I’m such a horrible person! *dashes off across the park*
Cody: Ahh! Wait for meee! *after several unsuccessful attempts to squirm out from under the sousaphone, he slips through and races after her*
Matt: *dusts hands* Well, that was easy.
Mimi: OK, I’m bored now. *tosses the piccolo in the trash* Let’s go, Yo.
Yolei: What??
Mimi: well, “Yolei” is just such a long name...
Yolei: Yeah right! You lazy...*chases after her* Mi - get back here!
(Matt looks around. Most of the kids have left, leaving the ground littered with discarded instruments)
Matt: Such a waste. OK kid, let’s go.
Davis: You mean...I don’t have to play this instrument? YES! YEAH! *throws it in the trash*
Matt: Wait a second...is this the thing those two girls were trying to break your skull with?
Davis: *sourly* Yes.
Matt: Then it could double as a Jun-bashing club. *calmly pulls it into 3 pieces and drops them into his pocket, whistling “A-Hunting We Will Go.”*
Bjorn: *jumps out of the bushes and goes to his trumpet* It’s OK baby…*strokes it* I won’t let them hurt you anymore. At least it’s in better shape than that. *steps over the broken saxophone* I’ll get revenge for this…*puts it to his lips and chokes* It’s…poisoned…cooties…*falls over unconscious*
SORA AND KEN
(after a long round of walking, Sora and Ken find a long row of game booths)
Sora: Excuse me, but do you know where the card games are?
Ken: Yeah, like poker and Blackjack and stuff? (They have stopped in front of a tent with a shallow pool, slowly rotating and filled with shallow plastic cups)
Woman: Well, I don’t think there are any card games around here.
Ken: But I’m desperate to gamble!
Woman: Well then…I guess I bet you can’t throw this little plastic ball and make it land in the blue cup.
Ken: You’re on! How much??
Woman: Ummm…1 I mean $2 for 3 throws.
Ken: What a deal!
Sora: Ken, aren’t you worried this might be a scam?
Ken: *snorts* Please. I think I can tell a scam when I see one. OK, is a um, Mastercard OK?
Woman: No. Does it look like we have a cash register here?
Sora: Wait, wait, I’ve got it. *digs a green crayon and some paper out of her pocket* I’ll draw us some money!
Woman: I don’ t think so. We don’t accept counterfeit money.
Sora: It’s not counterfeit money. It’s an original drawing by Sora Takenouchi.
Woman: Oh, wait, are you with Interview Lady and Nat?
Ken: Yes!
Sora: No!
Woman: Well, if you are, I’m allowed to let you spend a certain amount.
Sora: YES!
Ken: Gimme some balls! (Sora looks at him in a weird way) What? *throws the ball, which bounces off the rim into oblivion*
I’ll get it this time. (He throws another one a little harder. This one hits the rim and ricochets back, smacking him on the nose)
OW! You – the ball – sheesh! Don’t you have warning signs on these things? I mean, can we say “Safety Hazard”??
Sora: Ken, they’re little plastic balls. Here, I’M throwing the next one. (With perfect aim, it hits the center and then bounces back up and lands in the water) Noooo!
Ken: That’s it, give us $50 worth of throws.
Woman: I’m afraid this card only has 63 cents left on it.
Ken: What?! Um, can we get a loan? PLEASE?!?!
Woman: (thinking to herself) Well, they did say they would pay any debts the kids left. (aloud) OK.
(Soon, Sora and Ken are winging balls left and right, trying every trick known to man. All the balls bounce out.)
Sora: Wait, can we try to get it into the white cups too?
Woman: *sarcastic* NO…
Sora: Oh well. (The woman rolls her eyes and shrugs)
(After about 200 throws, they sigh and walk away)
Ken: Oh well, I guess we can’t win.
Woman: Wait! Don’t you want to win this giant stuffed Pikachu?
(Ken and Sora’s eyes grow huge)
Sora: PIKACHU?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Ken: GET IT AWAY!!!!!! (Screaming, both kids turn and run away at top speed)
ELSEWHERE
Davis: Oooh! Little old cars! I wanna drive them!
Jun: Idiot. All you do is sit in them. As in, “RIDE them.” It’s a ride. (A sign reads “Antique Autos”)
Matt: Fine, we’ll ride the stupid little cars. Get in line.
2 HOURS LATER
Matt: I’m getting SICK of standing in line. Plus it’s like a million degrees out with mosquitoes everywhere.
Davis: Why are we in line, again?
Jun: To ride the little putt-putt cars that YOU insisted we go on.
Davis: Oh yeah.
Cody: Have patience, we’re nearly there.
1 HOUR LATER
Matt: Nearly there, huh?
Cody: Well, we’re getting on NOW. Look at it this way: Now our time in the park is over ¼ over! We can almost go home! (Just then, a little pink shape runs by and flings a rolled-up piece of paper at them)
Jun: *reading* Notice: Park time has been extended indefinitely.
Matt: *&%#$*&(*%!
(FINALLY, they are able to get on the ride)
Jun: No! I wanna sit next to Matt!
Matt: Cooties.
Jun: GOD! *kicks Davis*
(The ride starts up. The little cars merrily roll down a pre-set path, through an artificial forest on a little road.)
Davis: Wheee, I’m driving!
Matt: Shut up.
Davis: Hey, you should love me. Thanks to your exploitation of my personal space, my sister won’t go near you.
Matt: That doesn’t prevent me from thinking you’re an idiot.
Davis: Whatever. Weee! Hard right! (he yanks the steering wheel and throws all of his weight to the right. Suddenly, the car jumps off the tracks and rolls away. Matt snaps to attention)
Matt: What the – WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?
Davis: Um…er…
Matt: DO something!
Davis: *as they narrowly miss a tree* Help! Runaway Putt-Putt Car!
SNOWFLAKE AND JOE
SF: So, Joe. How did you like the Wild Thing?
Joe: It was EXCRUCITINGLY TERRIFYING.
SF: OK. Let’s go on something else then. Say…the Corkscrew?
Joe: NO!
SF: Oh, too bad. Here we are. And the line is nice and short, too!
Joe: Nooooo…
YOLEI AND MIMI
Yolei: I’m thirsty.
Mimi: I am too. I’m like, WILTING in this heat.
Yolei: Oh, look, a pop machine. (they walk up)
Mimi: Cool, only $3!
Yolei: (who is smarter and has a grasp of value in American currency) $3 for a TWENTY-OUNCE POP?! *snorts* Yeah right. Let’s find a better one.
*Many minutes of fruitless searching later*
Yolei: OK, we’ve found 11 soda machines, and they all cost $3.
Mimi: My feet hurt. Just buy the stupid pop.
Yolei: No! They are charging exorbitant prices and I will not feed corporal greediness. We’re finding a drinking fountain. *Wanders for a half hour* OK, we’ll ask someone. Excuse me, sir, where are the drinking fountains?
Man: Drinking fountains?
Yolei: Yeah, you know, where you push a button and water comes out?
Man: They sell bottled water down there.
Yolei: No, a FOUNTAIN. It’s free.
Man: *snorts* Free water? FREE?
(Finally, they look at a map)
Yolei: OK, I found one. But it’s on the other side of the park.
Mimi: *groans* I don’t WANT to walk anymore.
Yolei: Come ON Mimi.
Mimi: But my lips are chapping!
Yolei: *sighs* Oh! Mimi, if you walk some more, you burn off some more calories –
Mimi: Let’s go!
FOUNTAIN
Yolei: Ahhhh! Fresh, clean, cold, WHAT THE?
(A sign on the fountain reads, “Very sorry, but our only water fountain is currently out of order)
No! No-ho-ho…
Mimi: Yolei, why won’t you just go buy the water? It’s only $2.
Yolei: $2 For WATER? Water is free. It falls from the sky. This is the middle of the land of 10,000 lakes. There is no water shortage.
Mimi: Well, is any falling right now?
Yolei: No.
Mimi: Then BUY it.
Yolei: Fine, but it’s an outrage.
ELSEWHERE
(Tai is looking at the map, deciding what to ride, a few feet away from Tai)
Snowball: Izzy, you were right. Your hair is much too short. I’m getting a sunburn!
Izzy: Well, I guess you should just go back on Tai’s head.
SB: No. I haven’t even begun to punish you yet.
Izzy: Hmmm…Snowball, who do you hate most in the world?
SB: Hmm…you?
Izzy: Um, OK, scratch that. But you don’t like Tai either, right?
SB: Well, that’s true.
Izzy: So, what if I could help you punish Tai by taking him on all kinds of terrifying rides?
SB: I guess that would be fun.
Izzy: But it will only terrify him if YOU’RE in his hair. Anyway, I’m really super-sorry about earlier. That oboe just had some kind of spell on it! I think it was because the girl who played it was named Natalie. All people named Natalie are evil.
SB: Hm…I guess you’re right. OK, you’re forgiven.
Izzy: THANK YOU, most gracious Snowball. (Snowball jumps off Izzy’s head, runs along a tree branch, and squirts silently into Tai’s hair. Izzy grins evilly.)
45 MINUTES LATER
Mimi: God, how many people are IN this line?
Yolei: They OUGHT to call this “Overpriced Line Land!”
ELSEWHERE
SB: Hi Tai.
Tai: WHAT? *looks up* AH! HE’S BACK! HOW DID HE GET BACK IN MY HAIR?! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Izzy: He just couldn’t stay away.
SB: Fluffy hair. Nice shade. Free ride.
Tai: Vermin. Demonic spawn of Snowflake.
SB: What’s a demonic?
Izzy: You know, you look really strange when you talk to yourself.
Tai: I’m not talking to myself!
Izzy: Sure…hey, look at that. It’s the Power Tower.
Tai: Nah, I don’t really want to ride it.
Izzy: Scared, huh?
Tai: No, I’m um…worried that Snowball will fall out?
Izzy: Yeah right.
SB: *rustles and moves around* There.
Tai: What?
SB: I tied myself in 3 secure knots of your hair. Triple-double-knotted. And braided.
Tai: You’re never coming out of there, are you?
SB: Nope. POW-er tower, POW-er tower!
Tai: Fine! We’ll ride the stupid Power Tower!
Izzy: Tai? The ride’s *that* way.
Tai: I knew that. *turns around*
LATER
Tai: So, um, how high does this thing go again? *fidgets* (They are strapped into a ride which leaves their arms and legs dangling as they hang on the outside of an extremely high structure, climbing well above the rest of the park)
Tai: OK, now we’re at the top. My legs are dangling in mid-air…why did we stop? Why aren’t we moving?? Ahhh, the ride’s stuck! Izzy, SAY something! (Izzy sits silently) Well?? Aren’t you –
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (he screams as the ride suddenly plummets straight down)
Tai: The cable snapped! We’re gonna die! (Izzy finally opens his mouth)
Izzy: Woohoo! Fun!
Tai: FUN?! Are you out of your MIND?! (just before hitting the ground, they shoot up again)
Izzy: See, the cable’s not broken. It’s like bungee jumping)
Tai: And do you know how many people DIE each year while bungee jumping??
SB: Wheeee, I think this is fun too!!
Tai: Then go live on Izzy’s head.
Izzy: My hair’s too short. *smirks*
SB: Yeah!
Tai: OK, now the ride’s over. Can we go – hey! (Izzy is already back in line) Dangit Izzy! Why can’t we do something else??
KARI AND TK
Kari: OK now. Where were those toys again?
TK: Let’s check the map. (they search all over)
Hmmm, no Toys-R-Us. This map must be outdated.
Kari: Ooh, look at that ride1 The Mad Mouse roller coaster! (She points out a ride where the cars are shaped like glaring mice)
TK: Oh no, I’ve already tangled with mad rodents today.
Kari: Get on it. (Before long, they are strapped into a car)
TK: Why do we have to sit in the girly pink one?
Kari: Pretend it’s Tokomon.
TK: OK! (the ride travels up a steep hill, levels out, and then suddenly whips around a corner. Before they have time to react, it whips around the other corner)
Kari: Ow! I’m getting whiplash!
TK: AHHH! I nearly plunged to my death!
Kari: Fasten your seatbelt, dummy!
TK: Oh, good idea.
*Kari rolls eyes*
TK: AH! I almost fell out again. We’ve got to warn the people! (now high above the ark, he cups his hands around his mouth) DON’T RIDE THE MAD MOUSE! THEY’RE PAINTED METAL CARS OF DEA-
(his words are cut short as they whip around yet another corner, throwing TK on top of Kari)
Kari: Get off me! *shoves him*
TK: Ah! Stop DOING that! How long is this torture, anyway?? *2 minutes later* I thought we’d NEVER get off.
ANTIQUE AUTOS
Jun: Ahhh! Davis what did you f***** do?
Cody: Watch out for that tree! *Davis swerves car to the left*
Matt: Oh my gosh! You almost flipped the car over! *Car crashes through a bush*
Jun: Ow! Thorns!
Davis: This is fun, I have it under control!
Matt: Under control?? Yeah right! Move over, I’m driving.
Davis: No way! You said I could drive!
Matt: Well, obviously you can’t. Now move over, I have a license and you don’t.
Davis: No!
Jun: Davis, let him drive or else when we get home I will personally tell Mom and Dad *whispers in his ear*
Davis: *turns pale* No, don’t do that. *shivers* *car goes through ANOTHER bush; leaves go flying*
Matt: *shoves him over and takes the wheel* Huh? This is NOTHING like a real car. Umm, no brakes, ease off the gas, um, it’s jammed!
Jun: *screams* Another tree! I’m too pretty to die! (Matt rocks hard to the right…too hard. He and Davis, since they have no seat belts, fly out of the car.)
Cody: *open his eyes* Ahh! There’s no driver!
Jun: You drive, I don’t want to touch the wheel Davis used. I might get even more cooties. *throws Cody into the front seat*
Cody: Um, I can’t see over the steering wheel!
Jun: Eeeehh! Treetreetreeeeee!!
(Suddenly the car is no longer moving, and they fly through the open windshield)
Cody: Wha…what happened?
ELSEWHERE IN THE FOREST
Davis: Ugh…*pulls self up* Oh nice job Mr. “I have a license!” *Kicks Matt…Matt grabs his foot and pulls him down*
Matt: It was YOUR fault in the first place.
Davis: Hey, where’s Jun and Cody?
Matt: *looks around and brightens* I mean…congratulations, Davis! Another perfect plan. I can’t believe you lost Jun! I could kiss you…I mean…*looks around* Never mind. Nobody heard that.
MAGIC SCHOOLBUS
IL: Hmm, that was interesting. We could use that later.
Nat: Not bad at all.
FOREST
Matt: *changes subject* Look, a fence!
Davis: Oh! Yippee! You don’t see one of those everyday!
Matt: Shut up, you idiot. Think about it.
Davis: *gasps* We could escape the park!
Matt: EXACTLY.
(They run up to the fence and start to climb it. Matt touches it and flies backwards* OWOWOW!
Davis: What? *tries to scramble over the fence* OW!
Matt: The stupid fence is electrified! Stupid Pikachus!
Davis: Oooh, I know! I’ll jump over it! (he climbs up into a nearby tree and gets ready to jump off a branch)
Matt: No! Davis, stop!
Davis: Why?
Matt: Dude, how do you fail to notice the foot of barbed wire on top of the fence?
Davis: Oh. Well then…let’s dig under it!
Matt: With WHAT? I don’t see any shovels nearby. Besides, the fence probably goes like 10 feet underground.
Davis: B-b-but…I want out! LEMME OUT! *flings himself at the wire and gets shocked again*
Matt: God, you’re so dumb. *A park security guard comes over*
Guard: Excuse me, sonny, but what are you doing?
Davis: Cripes! A policeman!
Matt: I refuse to go to jail again!
Davis: RUN! (the pair bolt off across the park and are soon lost in the crowd of people)
Guard: Huh. I just wondered if he’d found a way out…I’ve been living in the park for 15 years. I stole the uniform once and now every time I try to leave they tell me I’m on duty!
JOE AND SNOWFLAKE
SF: So, Joe. How do you like Valleyfair so far?
Joe: *white-faced and shaking* S-s-s-suffering f-f-from p-p-post-traumatic st-st-stress.
SF: OK, let’s go and stand in this line.
Joe: N-n-no m-more r-r-r-rides.
SF: Stand in this line or we’ll ride the POWER TOWER!
Joe: Eeek!
SF: Hey look, there’s Izzy and Tai and Snowball!
SB: Hi Daddy!
SF: Hey Sport! Terrorizing Tai?
SB: Yep!
SF: Perfect. Someday, you too shall be a most respected radio show host.
Ride Operator: Hello, you look like an enterprising young man. Would you like to ride the Enterprise?
Joe: What is it? (Joe sees a silvery, circular ride. As it starts, the cars spin faster and faster, turn sideways, and eventually go upside down) NO! *vehement headshake* NO spinning, NO upside-down. And – dude, why are those people not wearing a full and proper safety harness??
Izzy: OK Joe. See, the ride goes REALLY FAST. It’s like when you swing a bucket of water around, and the water doesn’t fall out. The laws of inertia work perfectly.
Joe: Precisely – I don’t want to be inert!
Izzy: Dude, I thought you used to be the smart one. We spent weeks in a traveling freak show because you kept insisting you were smarter than me.
Joe: I’m still smart!
Izzy: No way. Ken is way more intelligent than you.
Joe: Is not!
Tai: Hey man, even I think you’re getting dumb.
Joe: Shut up!
Izzy: OK Joe…if you’re not dumb, prove it by going on this ride.
Joe: Fine! *jumps into a car*
SF: (to Izzy) Very nice.
Izzy: Thank you.
WATER STAND
Yolei: We’d like two bottles of water please. *holds out card*
Guy: Uh, what is *that*?
Yolei: An Amoco card.
Guy: You use that at gas stations.
Yolei: But we’re dying of thirst!
Guy: Then go ask your parents for money.
Yolei: But they’re not here! We were kidnapped and left here by two sadistic radio show hosts!
Guy: Uh-huh. You were kidnapped and then…taken to an amusement park.
Yolei: Yes, and we need water!
Guy: OK…then leave the park and call the police and find your parents, because you need MONEY for this water.
Yolei: No, don’t you see?? We CAN’T leave the park until it closes or else we’ll get electrocuted by Pikachus!
Guy: Uh…sure. *arches eyebrow*
Man in Line: Hey, do you sell water or not?!
Guy: Just a minute, sir! Now, YOU two. Do you have any money?
Mimi: No…
Guy: Then GO AWAY!!
Yolei: I can’t believe how cold-hearted you are. You would really let two innocent girls die from dehydration??
Guy: SHOO!
Mimi: Fine! We’ll go find a NICE vendor! *storms off w/ Yolei* *short time later*
Yolei: Oh my gosh! Look! “International Beer and Wine Garden!”
Mimi: So?
Yolei: So I wanna go in!
Mimi: Why?
Yolei: Well, duh. I’m a bartender. Maybe I can learn a few new skills.
(as they go in, a guard stops them)
Guard 2: Sorry, no people under 21 may come in here.
Yolei: Why not?
Guard 2: Because you might consume alcoholic beverages, which is illegal.
Yolei: No I wouldn’t. I’m a bar TENDER.
Guard 2: Uh-huh. How old are you?
Yolei: 12.
Guard 2: But I WWWWWWWAAAAAANNNNNNAAAAA!
TK AND KARI
TK: Oh my gosh!
Kari: Now what?
TK: We’ve crossed into the FUTURE!
Kari: I see.
TK: Don’t you see that sign? It says “Dippin’ Dots: The Ice Cream of the Future.”
Kari: That’s ice cream in the shape of little balls.
TK: Oh. COOL! Can we get some?
Kari: No.
FOREST
Jun: Ouch. I think we just hit a tree.
Cody: *sarcastically* Well, let’s see. We are now surrounded by pine branches. I’d say that’s a pretty good guess.
Jun: I hope this doesn’t affect my future career as a model. Wait! Matt should be bursting in here any minute to rescue me, thereby altering the future so that the two of us will get married!
Cody: *snorts* Yeah right. And I’m gonna be a basketball player.
*Jun glares*
Cody: Just help me get out.
Cody: Wait, I need to grab my Kendo stick first.
Jun: I don’t see a stick in here.
Cody: *searches frantically* Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!
Jun: Well, we were swerving a lot and then we hit a tree, so maybe it fell out.
Cody: *moans* What will Grandfather say? I’m doomed. That stick has been handed down for 17 generations! All the way from my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
Jun: Are you done yet?
Cody: Great-great-great-great grandfather, Popo Shisho.
Jun: Isn’t that Japanese for “Santa Claus?”
(Cody growls, climbs out of the putt-putt car and starts searching the ground around it. Jun climbs out after him.)
Jun: What does it look like?
Cody: Well, it’s about 4 feet long, brown…
Jun: Here’s one! *holds up a long, straight stick with a twig on the end*
Cody: THAT’S NOT IT! (Before long, Jun has three more 4-foot sticks. Nope. *Jun brings back another one* Nope. (Soon there is a 3-foot pile of sticks in front of Cody, who is now bawling)
Cody: Waaaaaaaahhh!! *hic*
Jun: How about this one?
Cody: I want my Kendo stiiiiick! *hic*
Jun: This one?
Cody: I’ll never see it agaaaaaain! *hic*
MATT AND DAVIS
Matt: *pants* I think we lost him. *leans against a tree*
Davis: Cops freak me out.
Matt: *starts walking again* Come on, let’s find something to drink.
Davis: OK. *starts after him and trips* What the heck? Hey! It’s Cody’s Kendo stick! *flattens his hair, stands on his knees and waves it around* Look at me, I’m Cody!
KEN AND SORA
Ken: Oooh, look, another game!
Sora: Let me do this one.
Ken: No way. You have to THROW these balls. You can’t kick them.
Sora: You play soccer too, idiot. I still wanna do it.
Ken: I’m multi-talented. Duh.
Game Guy: Step right up, step right up! You there! Want to win a romantic stuffed animal for your girlfriend?
Ken: *sticks tongue out* See, I get to do it. So, what do I do?
GG: You get 3 baseballs for 2 I mean $3 dollars.
Ken: What a deal! So all I have to do is throw them and I win?
GG: No-no, you have to throw them at these plates and try to break them. If you break all three, you win an awesome giant snake.
Ken: SWEET! *eyes gleam as he envisions a monstrous cobra taking over Toyko*
GG: See, like this. *shows them a coiled, neon-striped, crappy-fair-quality stuffed snake with an oversized, cartoonish head*
Ken: Oh. Oh well, fun is fun!
Sora: *grabs him by the collar* Don’t do that! Those plates are probably like aluminum, or steel! Maybe DIAMOND! I thought you were supposed to be the smart one.
Ken: Sora, this is gambling here? Gam-ba-ling? You love this stuff!
Sora: It’s not gambling unless we bet money.
GG: Hey, you wanna play or not?
Ken: YEAH!
GG: OK. (Ken whips all three balls in succession. The balls bounce off the pates, which remain uncracked)
Sora: See? I TOLD you.
Ken: How did I lose?? *sniffles*
Sora: Oi. Dude, you’re KEN ICHIJOUJI! You’re super-smart! Can’t you figure out a way to beat it?
Ken: Hmm…
Sora: Fine, I’ll just tell you.
GG: (to himself) Haha, there’s no way they can win! My plates are pure steel!
(Ken and Sora break from their huddle. Ken buys three more balls. He takes careful aim, and then whips all three balls again. They guy starts to laugh, then stares. Ken smiles as the game guy surveys three plates…with smoking holes burned through the middle. As his jaw drops, a large wad of gum falls out and lands on his shoe. He doesn’t notice)
What the – what in the name of hell?
Ken: I believe you have a stuffed snake for me?
GG: Dude – I don’t believe it! That’s impossible!
Ken: Snake, please. (Still shaking his head, the game guy takes down a big green and blue snake and hands it to Ken. Ken nonchalantly walks off…but once out of the game guy’s sight…)
Oh my God! I won something! I – WON – something! I didn’t think I would ever win!
Sora: Very suave Ken. Don’t you remember that it was MY idea?
Ken: Too bad! I won it fair and square. Well, sort of…I mean, it isn’t cheating if…
Sora: Shut up.
MAGIC SCHOOLBUS
IL: Have you noticed we’re broadcasting from a BUS? Esteemed radio show hosts, with kids at VALLEYFAIR, and we’re broadcasting from a school bus.
Nat: Hey, it’s the Magic school bus [a/n: Originally written “Magic school BOX.”] PLUS we have these nice free pina cooladas.
IL: But it’s hot. And I’m cranky. Let’s sneak up on the Digi Destined and scare them to death!
Nat: I wanna go and visit the Wine Gardens. I want a martini.
IL: Are you getting drunk?
Nat: Of course not.
IL: Are you smoking Pretty Colors?
Nat: NO! Why?
IL: Oh. I am. Anyway…
Nat: You can’t smoke while you’re on the air! There’s like, FCC laws or something!
IL: But the Digi Destined do it!
Nat: No, the Digi Destined either drink it or get injected with it.
IL: Well, you’re drinking!
SF: *one wire* Dude, stop squabbling. It’s so annoying when you do that.
Nat: *huffs* Fine.
SF: Look at you two! You’re really sad. Two grown women, one drunk and the other high –
IL: I’m not high any more than she is drunk!
SF: GETTING drunk and high – broadcasting a radio show from a school bus in a parking lot, planning to sneak up on a bunch of kids. That’s just pathetic.
Nat: Hey, you’re personally terrorizing one of them.
SF: On your orders.
IL: Snowflake, close your Toko mouth and take Joe on more rides.
YOLEI AND MIMI
Yolei: OK, no beer, no wine, and I’m still thirsty.
Mimi: I say we get back in line and buy some water.
Yolei: Yeah, but remember, we don’t have any money.
Mimi: Already taken care of.
Yolei: Huh?
Mimi: *waves $3*
Yolei: Where did you get that??
Mimi: I found it…in some lady’s purse.
Yolei: You’re a thief!
Mimi: Do you want water or not? *1 hour later*
Yolei: One water, please!
Guy: OK. *takes their money and hands them a bottle*
Mimi: Let’s go drink it in the shade! *Yolei takes the cap off when a few drops of water suddenly hit them*
Yolei: Ahh! It’s raining! I told you water fell from the sky!
Mimi: Well then, THIS is worthless. (She dumps out the water in the bottle. They open their mouths to catch the rain)
Yolei: Hey, it stopped!
Mimi: That’s strange.
Yolei: You killed our water bottle! You f****** dumped it out! I’m gonna…*it starts raining again*
Mimi: Huh? What’s going on? Oh well. *opens her mouth again*
Yolei: Hey, it stopped! Again! Wait…you dummy! You dumped out our water bottle because YOU decided to sit under a sprinkler!
Mimi: A sprinkler? Well, that would explain the strange weather patterns…
Yolei: Shut up! Let’s find out where it’s coming from so we can have some.
Mimi: We could sell it!
Yolei: Then we’d get lots of money!
Mimi: OK, how are we going to sell it?
Yolei: Well, we still have 1 empty bottle…
Mimi: Yeah! We could let people buy by the sip! We’ll make trillions!
Yolei: We’ll sell for so cheap, everyone will want to come to our store!
(Mimi pulls out some of Sora’s crayons to make posters with)
Yolei: Don’t tell me, you want to be a pickpocket when you grow up. Hmm, a pickpocket chef, interesting combination.
Mimi: All done, go get some customers!
Yolei: OK. *shouts* Water! FREE water!
Kiddo: Really?! I’ll take some!
Yolei: That’ll be 25 cents.
Kiddo: What for?!
Mimi: Well, you have to pay to rent the bottle.
Kiddo: Whatever. (He flips them a quarter, grabs the bottle and prepares to fill it)
Hey, the water stopped! Is this some kind of joke? Give me my money back!
*Mimi and Yolei run*
Mimi: Curse this fickle weather!
Yolei: Curse the automatic sprinkler!
Mimi: I didn’t even get any myself.
Yolei: That reminds me…
Kiddo: Get back here! Either give me water or give me my quarter!
TAI AND IZZY
Tai: I’m bored.
Izzy: How can you be BORED? We’re surrounded by all this fascinating machinery, filled with the laws of physics and intricate architectural design and -- *catches sight of Tai snoring* Wake up you dork! *Kicks him*
Tai: Ow.
Snowball: Hey, you down there. I want a snowcone. Buy me a snowcone! A blueberry – wait, a strawberry one! I like the pink stuff.
Tai: Of course you do. But we don’t have any money.
SB: You do too! You have an American Express card!
Tai: I lost it.
SB: Liar! I knew you’d say that, so I hid it in your hair!
Tai: Oh, we’ll never find it there.
SB: Well then, I guess I’ll have to dig until I find it. *Scrabbles in place, ripping claws into Tai’s scalp* Here we go! *Spits card into Tai’s hands*
Tai: Stupid Snowball. And what’s with you Tokomons and snow?!
SB: I dunno. Now buy! Buy! Or I’ll start scratching again.
Tai: *mutters* Fine. (Dragging Izzy along, he goes to the Snowcone booth) One strawberry, please.
Sales Guy: All out.
Tai: OUT?!?! *pales* Um…raspberry?
Sales Guy: Don’t have that either.
Tai: Lemon??
Sales Guy: OK. *Suddenly, little claws go into Tai’s scalp*
Tai: *yelps* NO! (The guy turns around) I mean, um, can I get, uh, cherry?
Sales Guy: Whatever. (The claws retract. Tai sighs. He gets the snowcone and walks off a little ways)
Tai: OK, Mr. SnOwBall. [a/n: HEHEHE] Come on out of there and eat.
SB: You can’t get rid of me that easily, Tai. Bring the snowcone up to me.
Tai: WHAT?! No. Not this time, Pinky. *Snowball starts digging*
All right! All right! *mutters* Someday I’m going to get you out of there, and then I’m gonna cut your toes off. (With a sigh, Tai looks around, and then shoves the dessert into his hair. Amazingly, no one notices the cone being slowly sucked into the deep recesses of his locks.)
Ahh! AH that’s cold, EW did you just drool?
SB: No.
Tai: Liar. *Scratch* Just kidding!
SB: Face it, I own you.
Tai: AH! I’VE BEEN POSESSED!
(Several people turn to look at him. Realizing the futility of his statement, he says something else)
By um…love! I think I just found the girl of my dreams!
Izzy: *mutters* Yeah, and her name’s Snowball.
SB: Watch your mouth, buddy.
Izzy: Come on, Tai. Let’s go find something even you can enjoy. How about…*walks for a long time*
Tai: OOH! Red Garter Saloon. OOH! OLD-TIMEY COSTUMES! Let’s do that!
Izzy: Well, it does look rather fun. We can dress up in old costumes and get our photos taken.
(When they come out, Izzy is a sheriff)
Izzy: Oh yes, I like this. Power, a gun…more primitive than my inventions but good nonetheless. *Tai comes out*
TAI, WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO?
Tai: Heeheehee, look at me! I’m a dancin’ bar girl! (He is wearing a wig, high heels, a dress, and tons of make-up)
Izzy: Please tell me Snowball made you do that.
Tai: *giggles* No, this was all my idea! (He goes to get his picture taken, and then reluctantly changes out of his costume and leaves. After 30 or 40 steps, he panics)
My headband! I left it behind! (He runs back in and grabs it out of the costume bin. Upon leaving, he is stopped by a guard.)
Guard 3: Son, I suggest you put that back where you found it.
Tai: It’s OK I just left this behind. It’s mine.
Guard 3: No, I think you’re stealing it. So put it back. All items in that box are property of Old-Time Photo Shop, Inc.
Tai: Dude! Do you really think they wore blue headbands in 1880?
Guard 3: Nonetheless, I’m afraid I’ll have to confiscate that.
Tai: Noooo! (The guard picks him up, throws him out, and slams the door. Tai bangs on it for several minutes until Izzy gets bored and walks off. After 30 feet, Tai yelps and scrambles to catch up, leaving his precious headband behind)
ARTIFICIAL FOREST
Cody: *hic* *hic* *hic* Kendo stick!
Jun: *hits him* Shut up! First we have to find Matt.
Cody: What about the broken care? Shouldn’t we report it, or something?
Jun: Of course not! They’ll think we did it.
Cody: But we did do it.
Jun: No, DAVIS did it. We shouldn’t get blamed for something he did.
Cody: But maybe we could have stopped him from wrecking the car.
Jun: See Cody, that’s your problem. You think too much, and overanalyze everything. You should clear your mind and focus on the simple things in life, like obtaining true love.
Cody: Hey yeah, that makes sense.
Jun: EXACTLY. You should be calmer, and spend less time complaining about copyrights and sacred moral values and stuff.
Cody: OK! That’s a good idea!
Jun: And remember, peer pressure is a good thing.
Cody: Cool! *Gives her a thumbs-up*
Jun: Great. Now, let’s go find my Mattsy!
SOMEWHERE IN THE PARK
Matt: Ah, is this the life or what? Fresh air, sunshine, freedom…kinda…and best of all, no Jun! Although I do have to spend the day with Jun’s dorky little brother. -.-
Davis: Um, Matt? *points across the park*
Matt: What? Ohh…OH. RUN!!! (He grabs Davis and bolts for the most crowded part of the park. From far away, he hears “Mattsy, I wuv u!” and runs faster. With her super-human sped, Jun grabs Cody and catches up. With a sigh, Matt stops)
Jun: Hi Matt! Didn’t you see me waving?
Matt: No, I um…I was chasing the balloon guy! Now I’ve lost him.
Jun: Aww…I’m sorry.
(Suddenly, they catch sight of Cody, who has spiked his hair)
Matt: Uh…Cody?
Cody: Yo! S’up? *Flashes a peace sign*
Davis: I’m scared.
Cody: So…how y’all doing?
Matt: Jun did you brainwash Cody??
Cody: Of course not! She just gave me some pointers on how to be, like, cool.
Matt: *drags Cody aside* Are you NUTS? Jun is a freak. She’s evil, sadistic, cruel, possessive…*ticks off on his fingers* obsessive, deranged, psychopathic, twisted, sick, disillusioned, possibly rabid, and mentally unsound. She’s not “cool.”
Cody: Chill, Matt. I like my new self. I’m a badass PUNK.
Davis: *sniggers* You? I think not, Spike-Head.
Matt: Davis, his hair looks exactly like yours.
Davis: Oh yeah.
Cody: So, whatcha wanna do? I was thinkin’ we could hang out, maybe catch a burger, listen to some rap. “My name is Cody--”
Davis: “I look really grody!”
Cody: Davis! *Starts his rap over* “My name is Cody--”
Davis: “And I love Jody!”
Cody: That’s nice, Davis, but this is my rap. Oh well, I’m tired of rapping. Catch you on the flip side, dudes!
Matt: Question – did he have this much energy before?
(As Cody starts to walk off, Davis takes out the Kendo stick and starts playing with it)
Davis: Hi-YAH-OW! (He swings the stick and hits himself in the head. Cody freezes and slowly turns around)
Cody: AH! MY KENDO STICK! YOU FOUND IT! (He leaps forwards, grabs it, and proceeds to smother it with hugs and kisses.)
Davis: Sick.
Cody: My precious, precious weapon, I thought I’d lost you forever! Oh, it’s the most important thing in the world!
Jun: Cody, what are you doing?
Cody: Well, when I saw my Kendo stick I realized THAT was what my life centered around. I also realized that I’ve been behaving very shamefully for the last hour, so now I must pray for two hours. *runs off to sit under a tree and start praying*
Jun: *stamps her foot* Darn it Davis! Why did you go and ruin everything I just taught Cody? Now he’s going to go back to being stupid and moral and righteous and the WORLD’S BIGGEST BORE.
Matt: OK, I wanna go on a ride now. Let’s go. *Walks off with Davis*
Jun: Come on, Cody, it’s time to go.
Cody: No, I haven’t finished praying yet.
Jun: But Matt is leaving!
Cody: We’ll catch up.
Jun: Nooo! (She starts marching off. When she hits the 30-foot mark she winces, but through sheer stubbornness and iron will she drags herself forward, determined to force Cody to follow her. At his tree, Cody is stubbornly clutching the grass, eyes closed, just as determined to make Jun stop. Jun makes it an extra 5 feet before she gives up and runs back in range. Once she catches her breath, she begins storming back to the tree.
Cody sees her coming and flings himself around the tree, still praying.)
Jun: Come on, stop playing games.
(She grabs him and tries to pry him off the tree. She gets half his body in the air, but his arms are firmly locked around the tree trunk.)
WHY - *grunt* - must you make this so HARD?
Cody: I’m not leaving yet!
(Straining and groaning, Jun tugs and pulls but fails to budge Cody. Desperately, Cody lashes out and kicks Jun in the stomach.)
Jun: Fine! Sit there all day then!
Cody: I think I will.
(Jun stalks off to another tree and sits down to wait. Cody, not relaxing one bit, keeps his arms locked around the tree as he prays. Jun spits and mumbles obscenities)
YOLEI AND MIMI
Yolei: Hmm…I think we lost that kid.
Mimi: *pants* Now I need water more than ever. *Yolei’s jaw drops and her eyes get big*
What’s your problem NOW?
Yolei: *slaps her arm absent-mindedly and points*
Mimi: *looks* Oh. My. God.
(Before them is a large sign with the words “Water Park” written on it)
Yolei: Water? Park? Water!
Mimi: Let’s go! I want water!
(They notice a long line to get in)
Yolei: Oh MAN! There’s ALWAYS a line, isn’t there?
Mimi: I have an idea. *Whispers to Yolei*
Yolei: Not a bad plan. *Grins evilly*
Mimi: *shouts* FREE WATER! FREE POP! (No one moves, a few people look over) *normal voice* It didn’t work.
Yolei: I knew it wouldn’t work.
Mimi: I have another plan. *Screams* Oh my gawd! Leonardo DiCaprio! (One girl squeals and runs out of line)
Girl: Where?? *Squeals and runs away*
Another Girl: He is like, soooo 1997.
Yolei: *sarcastically* Excellent, one person.
Mimi: *shouts* There’s a bomb in the water park!
Yolei: Even less successful than before, face it, you suck at this.
Mimi: Oh, yeah? Then why don’t YOU think of an idea.
Yolei: OK. Umm…
Mimi: Hah! Not so easy, is it Yolei?
Yolei: Well, at least I don’t hallucinate and see celebrities!
Mimi: Hey wait! Look up there! Is that TK and Kari in line?
Yolei: YEAH! (Quickly, they dart ahead, mumbling apologies and excuses. Yolei taps “TK’s” shoulder.)
Hey TK, what a coincidence you being…(he turns around) here.
Mimi: Hey, you’re not TK!
Boy: No, I’m Tim. And this my girlfriend, Kristen.
Yolei: Oh. Well, now that we’re here can we stay line with you anyway?
Mimi: Pretty please? *Bats eyelashes*
Tim: OK. Since you’re both so cute. (Kristin stomps on his foot)
Kristin: If you’re going to flirt, at least do it where I can’t see you.
Mimi: Thank you!! (to Yolei) See, I got us in eventually.
Yolei: Whatever, we need to get inside and have a DRINK.
Kristin: Hey, the water is chlorinated, you know. You can’t drink it.
Yolei: It is? You can’t? AHHHHHH!! WE’RE GONNA DIE OF THIRST.
Kristin: Hey, you know, there’s a ton of places to buy a drink. There’s also a drinking fountain.
Yolei: I KNOW that. However, the drinking fountain is broken, and between us we only have $1.
Mimi: Hmm…Tim? Could you pretty please maybe loan me $5?
Tim: Aww…OK. *Digs in his pocket and pulls out a $5 bill*
Kristin: TIM!
Yolei: Hehe, going now bye! *Grabs Mimi and runs*
KEN AND SORA
Ken: Ugh, this snake is stupid and heavy and hot. YOU carry it.
Sora: No way. You said you won the snake, so it’s yours.
Ken: *calls out to people around them* Hey you! Wanna buy a snake? Only $10!
Dude: Heck no. Those are crappy pieces of junk.
Ken: OK…miss? Would YOU like a FREE snake?
Miss: No, I don’t think so.
Ken: Dangit!
YOLEI AND MIMI
Mimi: Finally! We each have our own cold bottle of water!
Yolei: Yeah, it’s so hot and humid out here. At long last, fresh, cool WATER!
(They open the bottle and raise them to their lips. They are almost there when…)
*crash-crackle BOOM*
Mimi: Ah! Ah, geez, what the – NOT! FREAKING! FAIR!
Yolei: Nooooo! How can it burst out into a thunderstorm?
Mimi: My hair is ruined and I’m cold and freezing. There’s absolutely NO conceivable reason it should drop from 99 degrees to 60 in 2 minutes.
Yolei: Stop trying to sound smart.
Mimi: But Joe taught me cool words! I like “conceivable.”
Yolei: Just don’t dump your water bottle out again, OK?
KEN AND SORA
Ken: AUGH! Now this stupid snake is not only heavy and uncomfortable, it’s waterlogged! PLEASE carry it for me??
Sora: Blame the stupid weather. I’m NOT carrying it.
Ken: I’ll pay you money!
Sora: We’re $90 in debt on our card.
Ken: Yeah, but that’s YOUR debt.
Sora: How can it be MY debt if YOU’VE played all the games?
DAVIS AND MATT
Davis: Dude! This is freezing! It’s freezing cold rain! OW! It’s freezing cold PELLETS of rain!
Matt: Stupid fickle Minnesota weather!
Davis: Yeah, something like that, only I’d say the f****** Minnesota weather. *Sees a bunch of people going toward the exit* Come on Matt, let’s leave.
Matt: We can’t leave until They say so.
Davis: Dammit!
Matt: On the plus side, Jun is probably soaking wet and looking for someone to cuddle right now. But HAH! I am not there. *Gets a burst of energy* Let’s go ride…uh…this thing!
Davis: “The Flying Trapeze”?
SNOWFLAKE AND JOE
SF: Ah, a nice refreshing shower.
Joe: Are you NUTS? I’m going to catch my death of pneumonia!
SF: Let’s go on this ride, OK?
Joe: Ooh! Nice, safe, quiet swings! (He gets buckled in and the ride starts)
Ah, this is fun. Swings going in a circle. You know, I might finally be able to overcome my fear of amusement parks on this ride.
SF: Hehehehehe.
Joe: What? Why are you snickering? HEY! This ride’s going faster! AH! We’re going higher! HELP! What’s going on? I’M FLYING SIDEWAYS! *bursts into tears* I nearly hit that tree! *Feet brush through leaves* I DID HIT IT!
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SWINGS
Davis: Matt? Was it YOUR – ouch! – dumb idea to ride this IN THE RAIN? Now it’s not just pellets, these are like rain BULLETS! They’re bruising me!
Matt: They are not, you big wimp.
JOE’S SIDE
Joe: Do you realize that if one of those chains attached to our swing were to break, we would go flying across the park to our deaths??
SF: *shrugs* Your body would cushion my fall.
Joe: EEEEEEEEEHHH!
OTHER SIDE
Matt: Hey, where’s that girly screaming coming from? Davis, is that you?
Davis: Of course not. It’s Joe.
Matt: Are you sure?
Davis: YES. Hi Joe!
Joe: EEEEEEHHHHHHH!!
Davis: Now seriously, Matt.
Matt: Shut up and enjoy the ride!
(They continue winging through the air, with freezing cold pellets of rain occasionally striking them)
AFTERWARDS
Davis: OK Matt, that was not enjoyable. Look at my pants. They entire front side is soaking wet. They are sticking to my legs. Do you think it’s going to be comfortable to walk in these?
Matt: Take them off.
Davis: Right, I’ll just walk around in my underwear.
Matt: *shudders* Good point.
JUN AND CODY’S FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH THE STORM
Jun: MOVE it, you little pest, we need shelter!!
Cody: We do have shelter. We’re under some nice, big, tall trees.
Jun: IN THE MIDDLE OF A LIGHTNING STORM.
Cody: Oh yeah. O.O Help! Help!
Jun: *starts running with Cody* Oooh, look! Buildings! “Berenstein Bear Country.” Dude, I’m leaving the country! All right! Let me in, please.
Ticket Guy: Sorry, no adults unless accompanied by a child under 46 inches.
Jun: What?? DUDE you’ve got a weird country. But it’s storming and I need shelter!
TG: Berenstein Bear Country is not a storm shelter. If you don’t have a kid with you, then leave.
Jun: FINE! *stalks off* *catches sight of Cody* Oooh! Cody! You can be useful! *Runs up and whispers in his ear*
Cody: You want me to pretend WHAT? No way. I am not going to pose as a Motimiya.
Jun: DO IT, or I’ll lock you back up under that tree you refused to leave earlier
------------------------------
Cody: Hi! I wanna come in and pway! Sissie, look at all da pwetty cowors!
Jun: Yessir, as you can CLEARLY see, I have a child WELL under 46 inches here. Can we come in now?
TG: *rolls his eyes but lets them in*
Cody: *kicks Jun and mutters* If you ever do that again, I’ll Death Ray and Kendo stick you to death.
Jun: Now, now, that’s not a very nice thing for a four year old to say, is it? (They run in and hide in one of the little houses)
KARI AND TK
Kari: OK, TK, we’re off the Mad Mouse AND IT’S RAINING! AH! COLD!
TK: Let’s go find someplace where we can eat. Where are you supposed to eat around here?
Kari: Umm…*points out everything she can see* Corn dogs, hot dogs, hot pretzels, giant pickles, corn on the cob, alligator-on-a-stick…
TK: Alligator?! I’m not going near any alligators.
Kari: It’s dead. It’s a bunch of meat on a stick.
TK: Ew.
Kari: It’s a shish-ka-bob!
TK: I don’t want it.
Kari: Fine. According to this, there are about 50 other places to get food including a pizzeria, bakery, and a candy store.
TK: Candy! Candy!
Kari: Figures. Are you missing part of your brain, or something? One week you’re smart and mature, and the next you have less self control than Davis.
TK: Whoa, whoa, hey. Let’s not say things we can’t take back. Would it make you feel better if I chose pizza?
Kari: Yes! Fine! Let’s just find some shelter!
PIZZERIA
Kari: I really hope you plan to eat the rest of that. I TOLD you, SMALL pizza. SMALL!
TK: But the small one was $6. The extra large one was only $13.95! It’s a better deal per dollar!
Kari: NO IT ISN’T! ESPECIALLY not if we end up throwing half of it away!
TK: But I’m not hungry anymore.
Kari: If you don’t finish that pizza, I’m gonna make you ride the corkscrew. *pause* Without me.
TK: Chip-things-in-necks, remember?
Kari: Oh yeah. Stupid Nat. Stupid Interview Lady. Let’s get them!
TK: Oh no. Last time you said that, rabid squirrels chased us.
TAI AND IZZY
Tai: Oooh! Fun ride. *Points out a black ride with flailing tentacles resembling an octopus. Rows of yellow lights attached to the arms add to this illusion*
Izzy: “The Monster,” huh? We’ll see.
SB: Monster?? Eek! Buy me another snowcone!
Tai: *hits his head* No! Shut up!
SB: Ow!
Tai: Keep it up and I’ll hit you again.
SB: He has power. Not good. *thinks* Ah-hah. Hit me again and I’ll do THIS! *opens his mouth and bites Tai’s head*
Tai: OWOWOW!!! *leaps out of line and runs around screaming and hitting his head*
Izzy: Tai! Imbecile! Get back here!
SB: *instantly regrets his actions* Yuck! That tastes GROSS!
Tai: OWOWOW!
Izzy: SHUT UP! (Seeing Izzy’s glare, Tai gets back in line. Snowcone forgotten, Snowball ties himself more thoroughly in Tai’s hair, muttering and sulking.)
*30 minutes later*
Tai: NOT A FUN RIDE! (He screams this as the car they are in swings high, spins back, and pauses for an instant before going forward again. The car behind them comes so close he could touch it.)
WE’RE GONNA DIE!
Izzy: You’re more pathetic than Joe. There is no physical way you can get hit.
Tai: …scary ride!
Tai: Why do I still go on rides with you?
Izzy: Because I say you will.
Tai: Right.
DAVIS AND MATT
Davis: Hey Matt, do we have a credit card we can actually use?
Matt: Uhh…lemme check. *digs in pocket* OH yeah. We got the Visa.
Davis: Yee-haw! Let’s go get caricatures drawn!
Matt: Hmm…*surveys the row of hideous cartoons* Yes! I’ll get one done, and paste it over my face so that Jun is scared away forever! You can go first, though.
Davis: Cool. *20 minutes later* Does it look good?
Matt: Dude – you don’t look any different!
Davis: Let me see that. Hey, I don’t! What’s up with that?!
Matt: Oh well, I guess you’re so ugly it didn’t matter.
Davis: Oh shut – ooh! The High Roller! I wanna go on that! *runs off*
Matt: Damn you! Get back here, I want MINE drawn too! *runs after Davis, but gets caught in the short line*
Davis: Roller coasters are more fun than drawings, anyway.
Matt: Says you.
Davis: Weeeheehee! I can see the whole park from AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (He stops talking as the roller coaster changes from a level curve to shooting down a drop) OWOWOWOWOWOW! (as pellets of rain strike him)
Matt: Hey, I wanted to sit quietly and have my picture drawn. YOU wanted to go on rides.
Davis: But I’m stupid! You’re supposed to keep me from doing stupid things like this!
Matt: Well, at least he admitted it GEEZ that rain hurts!
MAGIC SCHOOLBUS
IL: I’m bored. Let’s round them up.
Nat: No! They haven’t been on the Wave yet! OR to the water park!
IL: Digi Destined in bathing suits. I don’t think I want to see that.
Nat: They didn’t bring bathing suits –
IL: STOP THERE.
Nat: Hey, I was going to say, they can buy bathing suits there. They’re really-super-ugly though.
IL: Digi Destined in ugly bathing suits? K, I want to see that.
SF: You are WEIRD.
Caller 1: Hey, your show sucks!
IL: HEY! Where did that caller come from? I specifically DIDN’T hire a producer!
Nat: Well, I can’t help it if you hate the general public.
IL: Do you see why?
Caller 1: Wanna know WHY your show sucks?
IL: *sarcastic* Gee, am I missing a character?
Caller 1: YES! YOU FORGOT JIM!
IL: Who?
Caller 1: JOE’S INCREDIBLY HOT OLDER BROTHER!
Nat: Ew…
IL: Yeah well, the thing about that is, he’s gonna be about 30. Bye now!
Nat: New caller!
IL: Aww…
Caller 2: Come on, you know you want to see Cody in a Speedo.
IL: Ew. Anyway, it’s raining out.
Nat: All right, NOW I’m beginning to see why you don’t like callers.
ON THE MONSTER
Tai: Ahhhh….ah? Hey the ride stopped! THE RIDE IS STUCK! We’re all gonna die!
Izzy: Let me explain.
Tai: Even I’m not that dumb. I KNOW for a fact gravity is not a good thing when we’re hanging (almost) upside down with no seat belts.
Izzy: Relax, Chicken-Boy.
SB: *whines* Tai’s hair is getting wet and soggy.
Tai: *suddenly hopeful* You could go live on Izzy’s head again!
SB: Not a chance. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be screaming in fear about heights?
Tai: Oh yeah. AHHH! Wait we’re moving again! Yes! They’re letting us off! Oh blessed ground! (He attempts to jump out of the car before the ride assistant opens the door. He trips…his lips then make contact with the ground.) Owee! I think I broke a tooth! OH MY GOSH! I’m bleeding! MY LIP IS BLEEDING!
Izzy: Once again, that’s because you’re stupid.
SNOWFLAKE AND JOE
SF: Look Joe, look at all of the pretty rides: which one’s next?
Joe: *shakes* Look, there’s TK and Kari! It must be time to go home.
SF: I think not.
Kari: Ooh look! Hi Joe! Let’s all go on the carousel together!
Joe: NO CIRCLES! NO WOODEN HORSES!
TK: It’ll be fun.
Joe: *starts moaning and has to be pushed forward*
Kari: *gasps* There’s NO line!
TK: *gasps* An incredibly strange phenomenon!
Joe: I wonder why…
SF: Hurry up! *Snaps teeth*
Joe: I won’t go on it! I won’t!
SF: Wanna bet?
Joe: *ignores him and gasps* That…that’s the same guy!
Kari: Who?
Joe: The ride operator! He’s the same guy who ran the carousel when Jim made me ride it before! He’s…he’s diabolical! Evil! You can’t make me go on it!
TK: I think you need to settle down.
Joe: I’d rather go on the Wild Thing 50 times!
SF: We can arrange that.
Kari: Look, we are getting on! It will at least be nice and dry under there!
Joe: I don’t care! Wet is good! Nice, happy rain! *Runs out and dances with his tongue sticking out* Yummy rain!
TK: It’s official: He’s mentally destroyed.
Kari: Come on Joe, here’s a white one. It represents truth and goodness and—
Joe: NO! That’s the color of the one that almost killed me!
SF: All right, that’s it. *Sits up and whistles a strange tune, causing 50 Pikachus to pop out from around the bushes. Remembering past bad experiences, TK and Kari leap for the horses.*
I’m gonna ask you one more time: Ride the carousel, or get horribly and painfully electrocuted and then sent to the Wild Thing?
Joe: I…I don’t know!
TK: I’d take the carousel, Joe.
Joe: O-ook-k-k-kay.
SF: Good, everybody’s nice and happy. Up you go, now.
(The ride starts and Joe clings to the pole for dear life. Then, just to be evil, SF pounces his .86 pounds on the outstretched back legs of the horse and it wobbles slightly.)
Joe: It’s bucking me off it’s bucking me off!!!
(He panics and falls off, landing beneath the front hooves of Kari’s noble steed. Joe panics again and sits up, bashing his head against the hooves. He knocks himself out and rolls off the side of the carousel.)
SF: Oh boy. *Pulls Joe to “safety” away from the ride. Kari and TK follow*
Joe: *wakes up* Huh? Snowflake! You saved me from being trampled! *Throws arms around him* I LOVE YOU! YOU’RE MY HERO! You saved me from an eternity of being trampled!
TK: We were on the carousel for 45 seconds. It hadn’t started moving yet.
Joe: And I got bucked! Trampled! Kicked!
Kari: Uh-huh, sure. Come on TK, I bet the toy store is…*gasps* there it is! I see stuffed animals in the window of that shop! *They run off*
TOY SHOP
TK: Yes! We finally found it! All this time we were looking for it, and it was right here by the entrance! *Goes inside*
Kari: Aww…look at this adorable little stuffed puppy dog! TOYS R US RULES!
TK: Hey Kari, look at these cool bouncy balls. They’re in the shape of, like, animals, and they’re totally clear, but I think they bounce! Watch me do three at once!
Kari: TK NO!!!! (Too late. As he drops the three GLASS figurines, they shatter into a trillion pieces) You “dumbass!”
TK: You shouldn’t watch that show. Shows with swear words in the title aren’t meant for girls.
Kari: You are not distracting me, Takeru. How did you fail to discern GLASS?
Store Guy: Hey you. I sure hope you can pay for those.
TK: We sure can! (Beaming, he hands them their card)
SG: Uh, this is a Toys R Us card. However, this is not Toys R Us.
Kari: What do you mean?
SG: Well, if you look closely, you’ll notice that this is the Official Valleyfair Gift Shop.
Kari: NO WAY!
SG: Yes indeed. So, I’ll ask you again. Do you have the money to pay for those tragically destroyed figurines?
Kari: Well, uh, not really, no…
SG: Then, you’ll have to work it off. I estimate those were worth about $100, and at the minimum wage of $4, you’ll need to work 20 hours to pay for all that.
Kari: You SUCK, TK.
TK: *counts* Shouldn’t it be 25…
Kari: Shh!
TK: Oh yeah.
SG: Are you talking about me?? Just for that, an extra 100 hours!
TK: You can’t do that! There’s like, child labor laws and stuff!
SG: I got alll summer.
Kari: TK, you dumbass!
TK: Stop calling me that!
Kari: But it’s my new favorite word.
SG: Hey, get to work! *1 hour later*
Kari: Well, this sucks a lot. For the last hour, I have been dusting shelves and cleaning windows. All because you were too dumb to know what glass looked like. Hey, you know what? YOU broke the stuff, so only you should have to work. I’m going on rides. *marches out*
TK: OK, but you won’t get very far! Remember those little chips? You can’t go more than 30 feet from this store.
Kari: GOD*&^!^$#!^%#!
TK: What does *&^!^$#!^%#! mean?
SG: There shall be NO more swearing in this store…100 MORE hours!
Kari: TK, you dumbass!
DAVIS AND MATT
Davis: I’m tired. And cold. Can we go home yet?
Matt: No, we still have to wander around aimlessly for at least four hours still.
Davis: Can we get something to eat?
Matt: Hmm…only if it’s cheap.
Davis: But we have a credit card!
Matt: Paid for with MY money.
Davis: Ooh, cotton candy! My parents never let me buy it. I want some.
Matt: Not with MY money you’re not.
Davis: I paid for half the card!
Matt: 15 cents and a ball of lint does not constitute as “half” of $59.50. And—
(Davis has returned with a big bag of blue cotton candy)
Davis: What were you saying?
Matt: Never mind.
Davis: OK. *takes out some blue stuff* Mm…hey, it disappeared! *takes out some more* Mm…dude! It’s like Inviso-Candy! I want my money back!
Matt: Here’s 15 cents and a ball of lint. So…what should we do now?
Davis: Umm…Matt…*points out Jun’s spiky hair 500 yards away*
Jun: Hi Mattie!
Matt: UGH that’s worse than “Mattsy!” Now RUN! (They run for…well, how long do you think it takes to lose Jun?)
*1 hour later*
Matt: Is she still behind us?
Jun: Mattsy, waaaaaaaaaaaaaait!
Matt: GOD she’s like super-human. How many steroids does she take in the morning?
Davis: Well, I slip in 5, my dad gives her 3…
Matt: *stares at him* Why would you do a thing like that?
Davis: *shrugs* I dunno.
Jun: Maaaaaaaaaaatt-syyyyyyyyyyyy!
Matt: How can she be running at top speed like this for an entire hour? I mean, I’m running on adrenaline. You’re running to escape the pain that comes with not following me. But her?
Davis: It’s especially interesting the way she holds onto Cody as he flies out behind her, flapping in the wind.
Cody: Matt! Make Jun stop using me as a kite!
Matt: OOH! A RIDE! No line! Quick!
Davis: Um, Matt, I don’t think we want to ride the Wild Thing with its 207-foot drop @ 90 miles an hour—
[Davis Note: Next thing I know, I’m strapped into the front seat with him.]
Matt: Woohoo! BYE JUN! (after more than a minute of upwards climbing and ominous clicks) *turns to Davis* So, this thing just does some nice twists and turns, right?
Davis: Um, no. Look down. (They are paused at the top)
Matt: We’re pretty high.
Davis: And it’s raining. Do you remember what happens when you ride roller coasters with steep drops in the rain?
(Dead silence for 1 second. In that second, the ride drops)
Matt: AHH! OWOWYOWOUCHEEPAINOWMYTHROATEEEEEHH!!
Davis: See, occasionally I’m not the stupid one.
Matt: WAHOWCHEEKSONOFABLINDINGPAINSHARPRAIN! GONNASUEVALLEYFAIR!
Davis: Uh-oh…look behind you! (Jun is running along the coaster tracks behind them, trailing Cody behind) As they watch, she leaps and catches hold of the last car and starts climbing toward them.)
Matt: Oh. My. God. What is she? Some kind of X-men-mutant-freak-with-super-speed-powers?
Davis: Something like that.
Matt: Quick! Unhitch the cars! Cut us loose! (He fumbles unsuccessfully, while Jun climbs closer, until they enter a long, dark tunnel)
Voice Next to Matt’s Face: How romantic! It’s the Tunnel of Love!
Matt: Ah! Jun! NO! You…you have cooties, remember!
Davis: Jun, how did you GET here? Past ride operators and, and…
Jun: Funny story. I gave the guy a little pat on the shoulder and he fell over twitching and writhing…
Matt: It’s the cooties! Jun, you’re contagious! Get away from me!
Jun: But Mattsy! Cooties can’t see in the dark!
Matt: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Just then, they exit the tunnel and light pours over them. So does rain.)
Matt: *prays* Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Jun: Well, it’s still dark enough, and besides, it’s raining! Everyone knows cooties don’t like to get wet.
Matt: *stares blankly* (Suddenly, he grabs Davis and performs a suicide leap off the roller coaster.) No! You’ll never get me eeeeeeeeeehhhhh!!!!!
Davis: You stupid s***! You’re gonna get me kiiillled…!
Jun: Mattsy! *Starts to jump after him* I’ll never let go! (Cody holds her back with all of his 73 pounds)
Cody: No way. We’ll wait until the ride ends. See, there’s the exit.
Jun: *pouts* But…but…Matt!
Cody: (as they get out) *sarcastic* Dang, it looks like we lost them. I know! Let’s go get some food.
JOE AND SNOWFLAKE
SF: So, where do you want to go NOW, Joe?
Joe: I…I can’t take it anymore! Must – kill…oooh! Memories – coming back! Power…hurting…experiments…
SF: We’re going back on the carousel now.
Joe: Eeeeh! *momentary glimpse of former self evaporates* Nooo!
SF: You’re right. Let’s go to the other end of this madhouse.
Joe: “Mad”?? Oooh! Memories – returning!
SF: Carousel!
Joe: Noo…scientist…
SF: Power Tower!
Joe: No, strength…STRENGTH – GOT IT! You’re going DOWN Snowflake! I’m kidnapping you and taking you back to my laboratory. There I shall show the world how little peroxide it takes to kill a pink rat. *starts towards Snowflake*
SF: *backs away* Hey-hey, I thought we were pals…
Joe: OK, Pal. I think the first thing we’ll do is play some fun games with electricity…
SF: Uhhh…uhh…LOOK BEHIND YOU/CAROUSEL ON FULL SPEED NOW!
(As Joe pauses, Snowflake shoves Joe back on the carousel and then flings himself on the switch, moving it to Insane Speed. He stops it 5 minutes later.)
What were you saying now, Joe?
Joe: *shivers and shakes* Terrified…Snowflake and His Wooden Horse Army All-Knowing and All-Powerful…
SF: That’s a good Slave-Pet.
UNDER THE WILD THING
Matt: *wakes up* My Jun sense is tingling. We gotta go.
Davis: Your WHAT? *looks up* Wow, that wasn’t a very big fall.
Matt: Duh, we were almost at the end of the ride. I’m not so desperate to get away from her that I would kill myself. I would try to kill her, but every time I do she comes back.
Davis: I thought you only “killed” her once.
Matt: Nope. Seven or eight times now. I’ve tried drowning, I’ve tried hanging…I even tried poison once, but the only thing that happened was that your whole family had…uh…unpleasant feelings in your stomachs and fights over the bathroom.
Davis: Gee, thanks.
MAGIC SCHOOLBUS
IL: *checks watch* Well, it’s almost 6:00.
Nat: I suppose we should feed them dinner. They haven’t seemed to realize that if they mention a certain secret password they get free food.
IL: I told you “Happy Meal” was a bad password to set up with the food vendors.
Nat: Shut up. *presses a large red button with a drumstick painted on it* (All over the park, an announcement plays)
Voice: Dinner Time, Dinner Time. All Digi Destined children as well as Jun, Snowball and Ken (Ken: Hey!) will report to the Red Garter Saloon immediately or suffer electrocution.
VARIOUS PLACES IN PARK
TK: I hate her damn Pikachus.
Tai: Why haven’t the authorities stopped them by now?
Izzy: Because the FBI is stupid, that’s why.
Tai: Oh yeah, like Mulder and Scully. I remember them.
Yolei: Woohoo! Saloon! That means it has a bar! Come on, Mimi!
Mimi: Food?! I don’t THINK so.
Yolei: MOVE IT.
TK: Um, Mr. Nice Store Man, I’m a Digi Destined child. I have to go now.
SG: Yeah right, I don’t think so. Get back to work!
TK: Aw crap…OK, but if Pikachus burst in here it’s YOUR fault.
Kari: *rolls eyes* OK, let me make it simple. Mr. Store Owner? *grabs a glass unicorn* We’re leaving now, or Horsie here gets it.
SG: If it breaks, you will work 100 MORE hours!
Kari: I’m gonna throw it anyway.
SG: You’re bluffing.
Kari: 3…2…1…CATCH! (She lobs it out the window. As the Store Guy runs to catch it, TK and Kari run out the door and escape)
TK: You’re so smart! How did you EVER think of that??
Kari: Running away? Gee, I have no idea.
RED GARTER SALOON
(Finally, all of the Digi Destined kids file into the Red Garter Saloon.)
TK: *gasps* IL! NAT! What are you doing here??
Nat: We’re hosting the show.
TK: Oh. Right. RUN!
IL: I wouldn’t try it.
Mimi: Oh, I’m sorry, we have an Amoco card. It doesn’t buy anything. I guess we can’t stay here. See you later!
Yolei: First I don’t get water, now I don’t get food?? I have to say, this place sucks a lot so far.
IL: Sorry, that’s no excuse. We’re paying for all the food. So, what does everybody want?
Matt: Just keep Davis far, far away from music and limbo poles.
Yolei: I want beer.
TK: Oooh, me too!
Cody: Yeah! Beer!
IL: OK, you can drink Magic Beer. It looks and tastes just like water, but it’s beer. Really.
TK and Cody: Cooool!
Yolei: You know, I work at a bar. How stupid do you think I am?
Nat: Hey, do you people want diner or not? Looking around you, pretty much the only choices are hot dogs and pizza and nachos, although if you want something else dripping in grease they probably have that too.
Davis: Oooh! Do they have those cool deep-fried candy bars?
Sora: I’m surprised people don’t fall over and die of a heart attack after they eat one of those things.
Izzy: Well, I think if that’s all you eat for a week, the calorie count balances out.
IL: YOU ALL HAVE TWO MINUTES TO ORDER or else we go straight to the After-Dinner Games.
Matt: Crap.
Jun: I was thinking Matt and I could share a romantic plate of spaghetti.
All: ???
Jun: Come on! Haven’t you ever seen “Lady and the Tramp?”
TK: That sounds dirty…
Jun: Ugh, you’re impossible. It’s a cartoon story about two cute little dogs who meet and fall in love.
TK: A movie about talking dogs? What were they smoking?
Kari: I’m gonna bet Pretty Colors.
IL: Hey! Nobody has the recipe for Pretty Colors except for Nat, my suppliers, and me.
Izzy: And that cool person on eBay who paid me $100,000.
IL: WHAT?!
Izzy: Please. You left the recipe in a folder on the computer marked “Nothing Interesting In Here.” The password was “interview.”
IL: AUGH! MY SECRET RECIPE IS NOT A SECRET!
Ken: Actually, the recipe in there is for Spicy Chile Fries.
IL: That’s it, I’m locking my computer in an iron safe at night.
Izzy: Oh. Yeah, I thought it was odd how it called for potatoes, curry, and no alcohol or drugs anywhere…
IL: NOW YOU HAVE 30 SECONDS TO ORDER.
All: Ahhh!
Jun: Matt and I have spaghetti!
Davis: Nachos!
Izzy: Burger and fries!
Kari: Me too!
Davis: Me too-too!
Tai: What?
IL: You already called nachos.
Matt: I’ll take the burger!
Cody: Uhh…uhh…
Ken: What’s that food that makes you smarter…fish! I want fish!
Tai: Snowcone. Strawberry. You heard me.
Izzy: Snowball’s hungry again, huh?
Tai: Shut up.
Cody: Uhh…corn dog!
TK: Just get edible food.
Joe: C-c-can’t eat. Food might bite me.
IL: We’ll get you cornmeal mush. Any more orders?
Mimi: Well, I guess you could get me a carrot.
Yolei: And as for me, I’ll take a baked potato with sour cream, butter and cheese, and a dinner roll, and coke, and chicken pot pie, and –
IL: OK, thank you.
Yolei: But I wasn’t done yet!
IL: Yes you were.
Nat: Now, while I order the food, we’re going to play a Pre-Dinner Game.
Matt: What is your obsession with games?? You people are crazy!
Nat: Crazy *and* in charge. Now, our first game is…pictionary!
Matt: That’s a stupid game.
Nat: Partner pictionary, actually.
Matt: Let me guess. Our partners are the same ones we already have.
IL: Good point…if we let you pick new partners, there will surely be a long and painful round of fighting and violence.
Matt: I like these partners.
Jun: But Mattsy, I wanna be your partner!
Izzy: Actually, in pictionary, you’re supposed to have teams.
Tai: OK. Let’s be Good Team vs. Evil Team!
Nat: But then you’d all be on the same team.
Tai: Yeah, against you and IL!
IL: Haha. Fine, we’ll split the teams alphabetically by first name. But…well, someone will have to sit out, I guess, ‘cause of the uneven numbers.
Matt: OOH! ME! *waves hand around wildly*
SF: No need, I’ll play too.
Matt: F*** YOU!
TEAM A
Izzy
Kari
Ken
Jun
Cody
Joe
Davis
TEAM B
Tai
TK
Yolei
Matt
Sora
Mimi
Snowflake
Matt: *sees Jun is on the *other* team* Say, Snowflake, have I mentioned I love you?
Nat: OK. Ready?
Tai: Yeah. What do I draw on?
Nat: A napkin.
Tai: Goody. *draws a card* *talks to himself* Draw an elephant? WHY? OK…*starts drawing*
Matt: What the hell is that? A meatball with spaghetti on the end?
Jun: Spaghetti…how romantic!
Matt: Stop saying that.
TK: It looks dirty…
Matt: And YOU stop saying THAT.
Sora: Tai, no offense, but you suck at drawing. Now if I were drawing something, I’d make it look like…*draws on another napkin*
Yolei: Oooh! Sora’s is an airplane! Airplane, airplane, airplane!
Sora: How did you know? Well, I guess we get a point, right?
IL: I think the rules say you have to guess Tai’s drawing.
Yolei: Oh. Is his an airplane? (Tai shakes his head)
Davis: It looks like an elephant.
Joe: *elbows him* Shut up! You’re not on their team.
Mimi: Elephant!
Tai: That’s right!
SB: Hmm…I thought it looked like Fluffy.
SF: Don’t say that about your mother.
SB: But look! Those big teeth things!
Izzy: I’ll go for our team. By the way, can I use my computer to draw?
Nat: Not a chance.
Izzy: Dang. *draws card* How the heck am I supposed to draw a chauffeur? *starts drawing*
Jun: Oh! It’s Matt!
Matt: Not.
Joe: Looks like a car.
Davis: A guy next to a car?
Kari: A taxi driver?
(Izzy circles the steering wheel)
Ken: An evil scientist and his cloning machine who us trying to take over the world! (Izzy draws arrows)
Joe: It’s a car parker!
Davis: Oooh, an elephant! I’m getting the hang of this!
Joe: CAR PARKER!
(Izzy crosses something out)
Kari: A mechanic?
Joe: CAR PAKER!
Ken: It’s still wrong no matter how loud you yell it.
(Izzy draws more arrows and circles)
Jun: Oooh! A football play!
Nat: Time’s up.
Izzy: It was a chauffeur! How could you not understand that?! Now THEIR team is winning!
Matt: Yeah! Thanks for the help, Davis.
Nat: OK, TK’S turn.
TK: But I don’t want to play. Why can’t Matt have my turn?
Nat: DRAW.
TK: Fine. Oooh…dirty…
Matt: TK, I’M GONNA BASH YOUR HEAD IN IF YOU SAY “DIRTY” ONE MORE TIME!
TK: No, see? There’s mud on the corner.
Matt: Oh.
TK: OK, um…*starts drawing little dots and circles*
Kari: Cornstarch?
TK: You aren’t on my team!
Matt: Psst! TK! Shut up!
Yolei: Ooh! Spilled beer! No wait, M and M’s! Peas! Cheese!
Sora: Are you hungry?
Mimi: Connect-the-dots. DUH.
TK: *bangs head against wall* *draws smiley faces and dancing people*
Matt: How do you go from dots and happy faces to people writhing and dying of cooties?
TK: They’re not dying! They’re dancing!
Nat: Oops, no talking allowed. Other team wins the point.
Izzy: YEAH!
TK: Have YOU ever tried drawing “Tis a Gift to be Simple”??
Yolei: I thought you were only supposed to draw one word.
Nat: Yeah…new cards…(She and IL are busily writing words on slips of paper and adding them to the deck.)
Yolei: Cheaters!
IL: Our game. Our cards.
Kari: Whatever. I’ll go next.
Davis: I know! Elephant!
Izzy: She hasn’t even picked a card yet!
Kari: *draws card* What the hell?
Nat: Oops! Sorry! No talking.
Kari: That’s not fair!
IL: Well, you were just all complaining that you should only have to draw one word.
Kari: What kind of a word is “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”?
Nat: A good one.
Kari: *mumbles* I think not.
Sora: Oooh! I’ll go next. Please? *waves hand in the air*
IL: Fine.
Sora: Yeah! *takes card, smiles, and starts drawing with her crayon*
Davis: Ooh! An elephant! *gets punched*
Sora: *sticks out her tongue and starts drawing squares and rectangles with polka dots*
Tai: I know! Squares and rectangles with polka dots!
SF: London Bridge is falling down.
Sora: *slaps her head*
Mimi: Headache? No. Migraine?
SF: This isn’t charades. No gestures – no talking.
(Nat and IL scribble something down in a notebook and grin evilly)
IL: Good idea, SF.
SF: Thank you. *bows*
TK: It looks like broken glass bouncy balls.
Yolei: Spilled beer! M and M’s! Peas! Umm…cheese!
Sora: Yes! You got it, Swiss cheese.
Yolei: I’m still hungry.
Nat: OK Davis – draw for your team.
Davis: *takes a card* *draws a large circle with a squiggly line in the middle and a small square right below it*
Ken: Light bulb.
Davis: *holds the napkin above his head*
Joe: *shudders* It’s a carousel pony!
Izzy: Looks like a duck to me.
Cody: It looks like Grandpa.
Jun: It’s Matt!
Kari: It’s a glass unicorn splattered all over the sidewalk.
Ken: I still think it’s a light bulb.
Davis: *points to Ken and nods*
SF: *shows teeth* No charades!
Cody: Brightness? Light?
Izzy: Brilliance? Me?
Nat: Time’s up. No point.
Davis: It was an idea!
Cody: What was?
Davis: The light bulb. It represented an idea.
Izzy: (to Joe and Ken) Is it just me or was Davis actually smart for once?
Joe: *shudders* Carousel ponies are coming.
Ken: Davis is NOT smart.
Kari: So what's the score anyway?
IL: Let's see. Team B has two points and Team A doesn't have any.
Matt: Is that all? We had about 4 turns each.
Nat: *shrugs* Remember Princess Goddess Nat's Game Show of Death?
TK: Yup
Mimi: You changed the name a little.
Nat: I thought it added a little spice.
Mimi: OK, I'll go next.
Izzy: No fair! It's our team's turn!
IL: Thank you Izzy for volunteering to draw.
Izzy: No! I didn't mean ME! I already went!
IL: Too bad.
Ken: What's the matter, Izzy? Afraid to show them all how much you suck at drawing again?
Izzy: Shut up! *marches to the drawing napkin* All-righty then. *starts drawing a large, lopsided circle with sticks coming out of it*
Davis: Oh! It looks just like Tai’s drawing. It’s GOTTA be an elephant!
Matt: *hits him* Only ONE card says elephant!! You’re as annoying as TK!
Jun: Oh, I know. Wouldn’t it be nice if you and I went on a romantic cruise all alone together?
Matt: Chips in necks.
Jun: Oh yeah.
Yolei: Wait! It’s a moon! No wait, it’s a, um, a, uh…are you sure it’s not a moon?
Sora: You aren’t on their team!
Izzy: *glares*
Matt: OK. Um, an electric guitar.
TK: OH! A crest! One of those stupid ones…um, Friendship?
Sora: YOU aren’t on their team either!
Matt: *glares*
Izzy: *muffles a scream* *draws a 3-legged stool, a stick figure, and a few lines*
TK: Now I’m completely lost.
Nat: Time’s up again!
Izzy: *explodes* It’s a COW you morons! See, it has legs, and there’s the farmer milking it.
TK: Doesn’t look like a cow.
Ken: You sure do suck at this, Izzy.
Izzy: Fine! YOU draw something!
Ken: I would, but it’s the other team’s turn.
Matt: I forfeit my turn in order to watch Ken show Izzy up.
IL: I would say no, but since you make a good point, OK.
Ken: OK! *takes a card and mumbles* Draw dignity, eh? Fine with me. *draws something we can’t see, then steps back*
Davis: OH! DIGINITY!
*everyone else agrees*
Davis: *pause* A dignified elephant?
Izzy: WHAT?! You draw an abstract idea and DAVIS gets it?!?!
Davis: So it was a dignified elephant.
Ken: I’m just an all-around genius.
Izzy: But…but…
Sora: I want another turn now.
Mimi: But you already had a turn.
Sora: So did Izzy! And--
IL: Oh well, look, our food is here.
Yolei: Woohoo! *runs to get her portion* *slides to a stop* What the heck?? All you have is CORNMEAL MUSH?
IL: We get a better deal when we buy in bulk.
Yolei: I’m not eating that! It’s icky and lumpy and gooey!
Kari: What happened to the stuff we ordered?
Mimi: Yeah, I want my carrot!
IL: What, you thought we were actually listening…*realization hits* HA! Nat, get a load of this! They thought we were actually going to buy them the stuff they ASKED for!
Nat: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Cody: *lip wobbles* I don’t like this anymore. I want to go home. *starts crying*
Nat: Crying doesn’t work on us.
Cody: *instantly stops* Dang. I almost got out.
Matt: Well, since nobody is eating this…Davis?
(Davis is happily digging into a bowl)
Davis: What? I like it!
Izzy: I think I can see a direct correlation between that mush and your brain.
Ken: I CAN see one.
Davis: What’s a correlation?
Izzy: Well that’s obviously what I MEANT. Are you on your stupid “I’m smarter than you” speech again?
TK: *sticks his finger in and tastes it* It’s perfect!
Kari: Are you insane?
TK: Nope. Perfect consistency. *grabs a spoonful and catapults mush across the table* FOOD FIGHT!!!
Sora: Oh my God! You stupid little kid! You ruined my drawing! *balls it up and throws it at him* *TK dodges and flings some at other people*
Mimi: EEK! MY CLOTHES! You’re gonna pay for this. Literally. $258, right now.
Yolei: It’s in my hair!
Cody: It’s on my Kendo stick!
Ken: It’s on my whip! AND my giant snake! Ew, now it’s heavy, waterlogged, and slimy!
SB: EW! It’s in my MOUTH! *hacks and spits* That’s it, Tai’s hair is no protection. *jumps back into Izzy’s hair*
Izzy: Oh get OFF!
SB: First, rethink that phrase. Then git TK in the eye for me!
Izzy: I am not going to stoop to the primitive act of throwing food.
SB: But it’s not food. It’s mush. *digs claws into Izzy’s scalp* OW! FINE! *flings some at TK. And hits him in the eye*
TK: Ahh! Who threw it at ME?! All right Matt this means WAR! *grabs a bowl and turns it upside down on Matt’s head*
Matt: TAI! You stupid idiot! *grabs mush and flings several gobs at him*
Tai: AH MY HAIR! I didn’t do anything! I didn’t! I’m innocent!
Matt: Yeah right.
(Giddily, TK continues throwing mush balls)
Yolei: Ah! I can’t see; it’s on my glasses!
Jun: Eeek, Mattsy, protect me! *ducks behind him*
Yolei: Fine, if I can’t see, I’ll have to throw blind! *grabs several fistfuls and hurls them randomly, hitting several ordinary customers*
(Soon a 13-way cornmeal mush fight is in full swing)
Ken: Hehehe. Watch me get Cody. I bet I can tip him over!
Sora: Oooh! I bet Cody’s Kendo stick that I can do it first!
Cody: What did you say about my Kendo stick AH! (he turns, only to be hit in the head with a baseball sized lump. He topples over backward)
Ken: Woo, I got him! Gimme the stick!
Cody: What?? No! Go away! *brandishes the stick wildly*
Ken: OW!
Cody: That’ll teach you to mock me. Grandpa says I have a strong build!
Ken: Well, Grandpa must have been lying to you.
Matt: *reaches for another handful* Hmm…ah! It’s all gone!
Nat: You managed to throw 20 pounds of mush?
Matt: Wait, I found some more. *grabs Davis’s bowl* Yoink!
Davis: Hey, give that back! It’s mine! I’m still hungry!!!!!!
Matt: Too bad. *throws the mush at him*
Davis: Oooh! Thank you! *licks mush off his face*
Matt: EW.
Nat: (to Snowflake) You had better settle them down. We need to…well…not get kicked out. That would mean THEY ruined OUR plans. That’s not allowed.
SF: But this is so much fun!
IL: As much as I’m loving this, Nat is right.
Nat: I love that phrase. *sighs contentedly*
SF: Fine. *changes to Batpig, flies around, and snaps at people until they stop, then reverts back*
TK: *throws one last handful*
SF: Bad TK. *bites his leg*
TK: But Snowflake! You’re my digimon!
SF: I thought we went through this already. Several times in fact.
TK: Right, which means eventually you WILL be mine again. There’s like, the law of diminishing marginal returns!
SF: What?
Yolei: I think he got trapped in a conversation with Izzy.
Izzy: No, he’s just on a pitiful attempt to show us that he deserves the “Smart Three” spot Joe used to occupy.
Ken: Actually, considering Joe’s state of mind, it’s not so pitiful. Which really IS sad.
Matt: Please. If anyone gets Spot #3, it’s me.
Ken: Uh-huh. How’s that?
Matt: Why, because Jun has been stalking me for…I think forever, and I haven’t gone insane or done anything stupid.
Davis: Except for the fact that you keep trying to murder her. And then bragging about it. In hearing range of people who would turn you in to the cops.
Matt: I don’t wanna be “The Cops”! I like being me!
Ken: OK, you’ve lost your chance to be a Smart One.
IL: Hey, I didn’t authorize any auditions—
Nat: *yanks her back* Shut up! This will be funny! You’re getting bad at this.
IL: Am not! I’m smarter than you.
Nat: Don’t act like them.
IL: OK. But you know I’m smarter.
Nat: Who was the valedictorian?
IL: They mixed up our names! You cheated! It was fixed!
Nat: See, I was smart enough to fix the results.
IL: Rrrr…
Ken: OK! The first semi-annual “Competition to be the Third Smart Kid” will now commence. As presiding judges, Izzy and I will hear your proposals on why you should be chosen as our smart counterpart.
SB: But Izzy! You don’t need another smart kid. I’m on your head.
Izzy: Shut up.
Joe: Hey! I’m still smart! You can’t replace me when I’m still smart!
Ken and Izzy: CAROUSEL.
Joe: Nnnnyyyiiii…*falls to the floor, twitching and spazzing*
Izzy: Any more complaints? Joe, you still smart? If you’re not, see “eeeh.”
Joe: Eeeeh…
Izzy: OK! Spot #3 is open for grabs.
TK: *runs to the front of the room* *shuffles papers around and clears throat* Ahrum, yes, I believe I should be the third smart kid not only because I started a really awesome food fight, but also because I invented “Surprise Mud Pizza.” Guess what the surprise was?
Izzy: It was mud?
TK: No, it “wasn’t pizza.”
Izzy: And it was mud?
TK: No! That’s the genius part: It was wet dirt.
Izzy: OK, NOW you’ve disqualified yourself.
TK: And you know what the best part was? It was DIRTY!
Matt: YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *grabs a glass and tries to break it over TK’s head*
TK: *dodges* Oh! Give me that glass! *snatches it from Matt* I forgot my other talent: I can bounce glass!
Kari: Actually, you’re really stupid and you broke the glass and THOUGHT it was bouncing.
Ken: Definitely disqualified. Next?
Mimi: OK, here’s why I think—
Izzy: Next!
Mimi: Hey! I got on the genius show. You lost. Again.
Izzy: I don’t care. You cheated.
Mimi: Nuh-uh, I guessed!
Izzy: That’s cheating.
Mimi: But—
Kari: OK, here’s the deal. I grow up to be a teacher. Teachers are like smart.
Yolei: You teach kindergarten.
Kari: “All I need to know I learned in kindergarten.”
Izzy: You’d better try something else.
Kari: But I don’t have anything else!
Ken: Oh! Then you’re disqualified!
Kari: That’s really not funny anymore.
Ken: *giggles* Is too.
Sora: OKOKOK. You HAVE to let me be smart. I’m the best fashion designer, plus I know the difference between a hibiscus and a carnation!
Izzy: Duh. But can you tell me the difference between a marsupial and a monotreme?
Sora: A mono WHAT?
Ken: An echidna.
Sora: HUH?
Izzy: Oh! You’re not smart!
Sora: But! I’m a fashion designer, AND an artist, AND a soccer player, AND a master florist!
Izzy: No. We can’t have obsessive people being smart.
Sora: But you’re always obsessing over who’s smartest, and computer junk, and scientific junk, and the U.S. government junk!
Izzy: Maybe, but I obsess simultaneously. You have one thing for 3 years, then a totally different one.
Sora: I think you’re being unfair.
Kari: *shrugs* Perk of being smart.
Tai: I’m next!
Ken: *rolls eyes* This should be good.
Tai: As you can tell, I have very large hair. The secret to my hair is…it’s hiding an enormous brain.
SB: He’s lying! I’ve been in his hair. There’s nothing there brain-wise. Trust me. Unless you count my enormous brain, which USED to be under Tai’s hair.
Ken: Tai, you’ll have to try something else.
Tai: Um, I know my times tables! 2 x 9 is 29, 7 x 3 is 37—
Izzy: OK, you’re out.
Tai: Wait! I’m smart! I know I am because I get straight C’s in school. C is for Cool!
Izzy: Definitely out, next?
Cody: OK, hear this: I memorized every single one of the 8.5 million copyrights on earth.
Ken: Not good enough; besides you’re too short.
Izzy: I resent that statement.
Cody: See? Izzy used to be short too! That’s another point in my favor.
Ken: But, see? If I take your Kendo stick away you cry like a baby. *grabs it*
Cody: *looks shocked* Give that back! *lip wobbles* I want it back NOW!
Ken: *throws it back*
Cody: That wasn’t a fair test. Besides, look what happens when I take Izzy’s laptop away. *grabs it and runs around the table*
Izzy: *looks shocked* Give that back! *lip wobbles* I want it back NOW! It’s mine. *lip wobbles more*
Cody: *makes a move to smash it*
Izzy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! *makes a running dive over the table* *Cody yanks it up, making Izzy slide across the floor*
Cody: Accept me as the smartest and I will spare your computer.
Izzy: You asinine--*Ken sticks foot in Izzy’s mouth*
Ken: Blackmail is not acceptable, at least not for this contest. You are disqualified.
Cody: But!
Ken: Besides, Grandpa wouldn’t like to hear you were blackmailing someone, would he?
Cody: Probably not, but…
Ken: Silence! Next victi…I mean, volunteer.
Jun: Oooh! Can I try to be smart kid?
Matt: *snaps to attention* This is gonna be good.
Ken: Go for it. *snickers*
Jun: I think I should be smart because *CENSORED: A very long and complicated smart-sounding explanation*
Izzy: Wha?
Ken: *jaw drops*
Izzy: That’s it, you’re disqualified.
Jun: Why?
Ken: *shudders* You’re too smart.
Izzy: You make us look bad.
Matt: Jun?! SMART?!?!
Kari: Not fair! How come she gets to be a model, AND marry a millionaire, AND be smart?
Yolei: Maybe in the future, somebody finds out about her Matt-stalking habits and she gets declared psycho and gets locked in a mental hospital.
Kari: I hope so.
IL: Yeah, Calmwood has some room now that the Digi Destined kids are at Valleyfair.
Davis: It wasn’t a mental hospital! It was a Happy Place for People that Society Wasn’t Ready For!
Izzy: Anyway, Jun’s disqualified. Next!
Yolei: OK, I want on.
Ken: How’s that?
Yolei: As your fiancée, I order you to make me a “Smart Kid.” By the way, did you know that it would sound more elegant if you said “Intelligent Child?”
Ken: Well, as you fiancé, I say you can’t be very smart if you don’t even have a job when you grow up.
Yolei: Oh yeah?? Well, maybe I invent something so cool that my royalty checks are bigger than your annual income!
Ken: Like what?
Yolei: Uhh…dishes that clean themselves?
Ken: OH! I’VE got the copyright on that. Tell her, Cody.
Cody: Not unless you make me the Smart Kid.
Ken: Forget it. You’ve been disqualified. And so has Yolei! OK, now it’s time to vote. Everybody stand up. Now, if you got disqualified, sit back down.
TK: Davis, sit your dumb ass down.
Davis: I haven’t been disqualified yet you dolt. *looks around* Why isn’t anyone else standing up?
Sora: We’ve all been disqualified.
Davis: *gulps* You mean, I’m the only one left?
Ken: Oh no.
Izzy: What have we done?? We’ve created a monster.
Davis: I don’t wanna be a smart kid! Why do you think I didn’t volunteer to be one in the first place?! I’m scared of them!
Sora: Are you insane? Your plan to become one of them was brilliant! It proves how smart you are!
Davis: It does?
Sora: Of course! You could have unlimited power!
Kari: *moves closer to Davis* You know, being a smart kid has its benefits.
Davis: Wow, I could get used to this. *starts to put his arm around her*
Kari: Forget it, jerk. The benefits aren’t THAT good.
Davis: Dang. Well, now what? Do I make a speech or something?
(Ken and Izzy go into a huddle)
Davis: Hey! Wait! Is that a Smart Kid huddle? I’m supposed to be part of that now! *runs over* (Izzy and Ken break apart)
Izzy: Um, yes, we’ve *officially* decided the auditions were really just a big game. You see, since we didn’t *officially declare* auditions, they aren’t *official*.
Joe: You mean I’m still smart??
Ken: Well, anything was better than Davis.
Davis: Hey, no fair! That’s not fair, you cheated! You’re cheating! You dirty rotten cheaters!
TK: Dirty?
Davis: *drops to the floor and starts kicking and screaming* I WANNA BE SMART!
Joe: Forget it, kid. That’s my spot. Right, Izzy?
Sora: Hey Izzy, you can have this back now.
Izzy: What? *eyes grow huge* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LAPTOP?!
Sora: Look! See, it’s got pretty smiley faces, and flowers, and hearts…
Izzy: YOU RUINED IT! NOW IT LOOKS GIRLY!
TK: No, it looks dirty…
Matt: AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *attempts to break TK’s arms and legs at the same time*
TK: *dodges out of reach* No dude, haven’t you ever heard the dirty story of Mr. Smiley?
Davis: Ooh! I heard that one! It’s funny ‘cause I don’t understand it.
TK: Uh-huh.
Matt: Hey Sora, can I see your crayons for a minute?
Sora: Sure.
Matt: HAHAHAHA! *torches them with lighter* Now you can’t use them to draw on my lighter.
Sora: OHMYGOSHMYBABIES! No! *curls into a ball, clutching the melted wax* They’re dead! Dead! Poor baby Russian Fuchsia…Macaroni and Cheese…little Robin’s Egg Blue…Tickle Me Pink!
Davis: Ickle me, pickle me, tickle me too, we’re all riding in a flying shoe!
TK: Just shut up and sit quietly.
IL: Well, we’ve seen a lot of entertainment tonight. Now I think we should relax and…
Nat: Watch some more entertainment!
IL: What? Oh yes…the Red Garter Saloon has this show. It starts in about 30 seconds.
Matt: What kind of show?
Nat: Oh. Mostly country. Also some dancing.
Matt: *shudders* No, not country. Anything but country!
Nat: Anyone else have objections?
SF: *eyes Matt* Nope. They better not. The dancers wear really short skirts.
IL: You perverted rodent.
Mimi: Oh! Will they wear cowboy hats? They’re very fashionable, you know.
Matt: Shut up about the f****** cowboy hats! I hate country!
IL: Temper, temper.
Mimi: I wonder if I could sing with them! I know a really cool song. Shogungekomon liked it a lot. *starts singing* I’m gonna sing a song! A song that –
Matt: AHH! I’d rather listen to country! Is that the only song you know?
Mimi: Is “I Turn Around” the only song YOU know? You’re just mad because you couldn’t get away with stealing my song for your dumb band.
Matt: We already stole it. It was the title track on our first CD.
Mimi: Uh-huh.
TK: *points* Look outside! It’s sunny out!
(All DD stampede outside)
Matt: Yes! We’re free!
Nat: Hey! We’re not done yet. Get back here.
TK: Yeah right.
IL: You’re going to feel pain.
TK: Yeah right! I don’t see any electric Pikachus nearby. Come on, Kari, let’s go on that big Tilt-A-Whirl ride!
IL: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(Suddenly, TK and Kari crash to the ground)
TK: Ah! Ah! My body! It’s being electrocuted! *gasp* INVISIBLE PIKACHUS!!! (Similar events happen to the other kids until they meekly come back to the Red Garter Saloon.)
IL: See, the thing we didn’t tell you: while you were playing pictionary, we reprogrammed the chips in your necks so that they can cause pain in several different ways. We also changed the triggers. You all have new partners!)
TK: NOOO!
Jun: YEAH!
Joe: THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!
SF: *rubs paws* Time for fresh meat.
Matt: OK, I have two possible answers.
If it’s Jun: AH I’LL KILL YOU!
If it’s not Jun: I respect and worship thy every move.
Jun: Mattsy, why did you say that?
Matt: Umm…well, if you’re my partner, you might give me cooties by accident and then I’d accidentally kill IL and Nat.
*Jun grins and moves towards him*
No-no, it might kill me too.
Jun: Oh. *stops, disappointed*
Tai: Matt, can I see you over here for a minute?
[Tai’s Note: Originally, what I was GOING to do was ask him why he’s stopped telling Jun he hates her. But then, he was just standing there…I couldn’t resist.]
It’s well, um…*PUNCH* (He hits Matt in the eye, then runs off giggling)
Oh man oh man oh man I really did it! I punched Matt! I gave him a black eye! *catches sight of Matt storming after him* Oh man, I’m gonna get killed!
Matt: Here Tai, I’d like a word with YOU…
Tai: Sorry, I’m um, busy!
Matt: *performs a flying tackle and proceeds to beat Tai up*
Tai: *wheezes* No matter how much you punch me, you still have to live with the eternal shame of knowing I gave you a black eye.
Matt: Shut up! *decks him again*
Tai: I OWN you.
Matt: You own nothing!
Nat: I’m so glad the two of you get along so well.
Tai: Why?
Nat: Well, look where you’re standing.
Tai: *looks down* I may be mistaken, but I believe the two of us are standing more than 30 feet away from the rest of the group.
Nat: Do you feel pain?
Matt: My eye hurts a little…I mean, of course not. I’m too manly to feel pain.
Tai: Does this mean what I think it means?
IL: Depends what you think.
Tai: My neck chip is broken?
IL: No.
Tai: You extended our range to over 30 feet?
IL: No.
Matt: Dang, we’re partners. I mean…yay! No Jun! Let’s run away before she can figure out who her next kite is. *grabs Tai and runs off*
Tai: *drags him back* I want to watch.
Nat: And now, since you were so anxious to get rid of us, we’ll leave you to figure out who your new partners are. (She and IL walk away)
SF: This will be interesting.
Joe: I vote we all stay here. While we are here, far from the carousel, we will be safe. We don’t even need to separate.
Ken: Uh…let’s not do that.
Joe: But we have to. That’s my first plot as being a reinstated smart kid. It has to work!
Davis: This is dumb. I don’t care if I get shocked. (He starts to walk away. At the 30-foot mark, he falls down twitching. So does Ken.)
Izzy: You know? One of these days we’ll become immune to electrical shock.
Sora: I told you he was a genius. All we have to do is walk away from the group and see who gets electrocuted.
Joe: Now see, THAT’S a dumb idea. Eventually all but two of us would get shocked.
TK: Hey Snowflake, wouldn’t it be great if we were partners?
SF: Hah. Hah. Hah.
Ken: What do you mean, I’m partners with Davis? I’m smart! Davis doesn’t know how to gamble!
Tai: Yeah, well, I’m gonna get stalked by Jun.
Ken: But I wanna gaaaaaaamblllle!
Davis: I do so know how to gamble! I know how to play “Go Fish!” Hey Matt, gimme the Visa.
Matt: Hah-hah, give the Visa to an idiot and a compulsive gambler? I don’t think so.
Davis: I’m not compulsive!
Matt: I know. You’re the idiot.
Sora: OK, I want to go on rides now.
Yolei: Nice idea, but I doubt that 9 kids are going to agree which ride to go on.
Sora: Oh, but everybody likes the Ferris wheel.
Joe: NO CIRCLES.
Izzy: Yes! The Ferris wheel is a fascinating example of a sine wave starting halfway up. It can be modeled by a graph of 20sine(2 pi times X) + 25. When the Ferris wheel is 45 feet tall and has 1 rotation per minute…
TK: Somebody deck him, OK?
Tai: Oooh! I’ll do it. (He walks over to Izzy and winds up to punch him. Izzy calmly sidesteps and Tai misses and falls on his face. Izzy leaps on top of him and beats him to a pulp).
Izzy: I don’t suggest trying that again.
Tai: Ouch.
Izzy: OK. Since you pathetic people can’t seem to figure out who you’re partners with—
Tai: YOU haven’t figured it out yet. But I did. ME. What does that say about you?
Izzy: It says you’re going to get your face punched off again if you don’t stop talking to me.
TK: OK Snowflake! We’re going to be partners. I’m going to walk away and get shocked and nobody else will be harmed in any way, thus proving that we were DESTINED to be together. That’s why I was a Digi DESTINED.
Tai: This I really gotta see.
SF: Me too.
TK: OK, walking, walking, AH!
Cody: *grabs neck* AH!
TK: *looks back* Cody, stop faking it.
Cody: I’m…not…f******…faking…it. Get…back…HERE.
SFF: Watch your language. Grandpa might be watching.
TK: But…Snowflake!
Cody: *walks toward TK* Ah, much better.
TK: No, I refuse to believe that. Snowflake IS my partner. *steps farther away* *TK and CODY both get zapped*
Cody: *steps closer* I’m going to bash you when I catch you. *runs after TK and attempts a flying tackle*
SF: I find this immensely entertaining. (Cody’s tackle falls several feet short, but then again Cody himself is several feet short.)
Cody: OW! TK, you…you…no, mustn’t say naughty things.
Sora: It’s hard to think of non-insulting insults, isn’t it? I say you just forget about being a Grandpa’s Boy and curse once in a while.
Cody: Jun already tried that psycho-babble on me.
TK: OK, Snowflake, where do you want to go first?
SF: Let’s try an experiment. You and Cody go over there. Waaaaaay over there.
TK: But I’ll get hurt.
SF: If you get hurt, I promise to be your best friend.
TK: COOOOOOL!! *grabs Cody and sprints away at top speed*
Cody: Man, I thought my days of being a kite were over.
SF: *pause* And you can’t fake it!
TK’s Faraway Voice: Aw crap…
SF: Do you feel pain?
Cody: No –OW! YES!
Izzy: *using high-magnification goggles* TK just punched Cody. Hm, Cody’s kicked TK in the stomach.
Sora: How’d he do that? His head only comes up to TK’s waist.
TK: OW! SNOWFLAKE, I GOT HURT!!
SF: But not electrocuted!
TK: You didn’t say I had to be electrocuted! Just hurt!
SF: Crap…pst! Smart kids!
Joe/Izzy/Ken/Davis: Yeah?
Joe: *hits Davis* You’re not smart! I’M smart!
Davis: Oh. Right.
SF: Now, ACTUAL smart kids: Get me out of this!
Izzy: What’s in it for us?
SF: Snowball (might) get off your head.
Izzy: Deal!
TK: *running back* Snowflake! Now that we’re buddies again, I wanna go on the spinning teacups and then buy a big sundae and then go on the teacups again!!
SF: *hiss* Hurry up! (Izzy frantically finishes scribbling on a piece of paper and gives it to him just as TK gets back.)
TK: Hi Snowflake! *grabs him and hugs him*
SF: Eeek! A male Jun!
Sora: I thought that was Davis.
TK: (to the tune of “Mary Had a Little Lamb”) Snowflake is my bestest friend, bestest friend, bestest friend! Snowflake is my bestest friend! We make the coolest team!
SF: If you’ll stop singing for one second, I have an *official* document to show you.
TK: *oblivious* (to the tune of “Jesus Loves Me”) Snowflake loves me, yes I know, and I know soon he’ll tell me so…
SF: HELP me, Snowball.
SB: You have teeth. You have claws. Attack!
SF: Here, READ THIS! *shoves paper in TK’s face*
TK: OK. *reads* “To whoaso…whose…who-so-ev-er reads this, k-now that when Snowflake is sit…sit-you…sit-uh-wa-ated under a kwa…kayking azpen…”
Matt: Give me that. *swats TK for being too slow* “To whosoever reads this, know that when Snowflake is situated under a quaking aspen, you should infer that the smell of the leaves has made him delirious and giddy [Snowflake glares at Izzy for writing such a stupid thing] and everything he says is subject to mean the exact opposite. Signed IL, signed Nat, signed The Current President of the United States.”
TK: But we’re still friends, right?
SF: Listen closely. (TK picks him up and cuddles him) Not that close! (TK holds him up to his face) Now, you are partners with Cody because you both have chip 1-A236957293BCF6. And because I am partners with Izzy. And because I HATE YOUR FILTHY STINKING GUTS! *bites him in the shoulder, then scampers off*
Tai: I’ve always wondered why you would hate someone’s guts. What did guts ever do to you?
Sora: Like if someone burps really loud, I guess.
Tai: Huh.
Izzy: Wait, wait, wait. You’re partners with me? I don’t think so. I’m not walking around with a pink thing on my head AND next to me.
SB: Be nice.
Izzy: Hey Snowball, you really should get down out of my hair. Pink and red clash terribly.
SB: Oh well. Then again, the food fight is over now. Maybe I should go back in Tai’s hair, I kind of miss it. I found all kinds of weird stuff in there. A mirror, an empty plastic bag, a can of spaghetti-O’s, and at least 5 combs.
(all stare at Tai)
Tai: So THAT’s where all my combs went.
Matt: Do you wash your hair?
SB: Oh, and a rubber duck—
Tai: What? AHHH!!
SB: --and a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret (Tai blushes), a pair of chopsticks, and—
Tai: My hair isn’t that big!
SB: Wanna bet? Oh yeah, and I found a pair of pink boxers and a mouse. He told me his name is Mr. Squeakers.
Tai: I do NOT have a pair of boxers in my hair.
[Matt Note: Notice how he didn’t say, “I don’t wear pink boxers.”]
Tai: And there is currently no rodent in there either!
SB: Believe me, I know a mouse when I see one. It’s not his fault he doesn’t want to talk to you. He says you used to grab his tail and swing him around.
Kari: That wasn’t our old pet mouse Mr. Squeakers McWhisker, was it? You used to swing him around by his tail?? How could you?!
Tai: He’s lying! Besides, the cat ate Mr. Squeakers years ago.
SB: I don’t think so.
Izzy: The cat ate the mouse AND the puppy?
SF: Wait, I’m picking up something on my walkie-talkie. Um…Nat and IL say to hurry up and figure out who your partners are. The park closes in 2 hours.
SB: Aww…only 2 more hours?
(Jun, Mimi, Sora, Joe, Kari, and Yolei are all still huddled together)
TK: Hey Joe, how come you’re the only guy in that group?
Davis: Because he sounds just like them when he screams. They all go, “EEEEEEEH!!”
Kari: I do not!
Davis: Oh. Well, Mimi does and Yolei does and Jun does…
Matt: The only thing Jun can scream is “Mattsy.”
Jun: Tell ‘em, Mattsy!
Mimi: Wait, you mean we get to go home soon? Yay! (she skips around, but reaches the 30-foot mark. We all know what happens at the deadly 30-foot mark, don’t we?)
Jun and Mimi: EEEEEEEEEHHH!
Davis: See? Told you so.
Mimi: *comes back* Well, I guess we’re partners then.
SF: Yup.
Sora: You know, this would go a whole lot faster if you just told us who the last two partner groups are.
SF: But it wouldn’t be nearly as fun that way. So no.
Sora: In that case, there’s only 4 of us left. Who walks away NEXT?
Joe: Well, the one who walks away next gets a guaranteed shocking, but those who stay here have a 2 in 3 chance of not getting shocked at all. (You can tell he’s feeling better now that SF isn’t his partner) Or of course, we could all stay together.
Yolei: OK, but I get to choose the first ride.
Joe: Who said anything about rides? I was thinking we could have a picnic. You see, I took this lovely Capital One card out of Cody’s pocket. We should all be able to have a nice dinner.
Sora: But I wanna gamble! I wanna win a big snake…wait, no I don’t. Ken, go sit down, I don’t want your snake.
Ken: Too bad, you said you wanted one. (He shoves the snake on top of her. Sora throws it back. Ken falls over backwards and lands in a puddle).
Sora: You wimp! What were you complaining about? It weighs like 6 oz.! As in, slightly more than Mimi!
Kari: It’s impossible for a human to weigh that little. Even a baby’s skeleton is heavier than that!
Sora: Sh! Anyway, the snake is really light and…*sees a sopping wet Ken coming up to her* Hi Ken!
Ken: All right. This snake says I can kick your tail.
Tai: Sora sure is getting into a lot of fights today.
Sora: Talking to the snake again, huh?
Ken: I MEANT, I’m putting it up for stakes. Whoever loses gets the snake.
Sora: You’re on. Physical or mental? I can whip you both areas.
Ken: Yeah right! Well…we COULD have a battle of wits, but everyone already knows I’m smarter than you. So I think I should show them how well I can fight.
Sora: Lose however you want.
Ken: All bets taken?
Sora: Yep. If I win, you get the snake and I get $50 from Davis.
Ken: Davis, where did you get $50?! I need that money for card games!
Davis: I don’t have it YET. First you gotta win, and then we’ll get the money.
Ken: Good point.
OK Sora, I’m fighting for $50 in gambling money and the right to make someone else keep the snake. You don’t have a prayer.
Sora: I’m fighting for the exact same thing, idiot!
Kari: Will you two just hurry up and fight?
Ken: But Sora, Davis doesn’t have any money. You won’t get anything if you win.
Sora: Then in that case, I’m fighting ‘cause I’m MAD! *runs at Ken* Tremble before the might of the KUNG POW CRAYON GUN!
Ken: The what?! Hey, you can’t use a weapon! *flails his whip wildly*
Sora: *loads and aims* Hah! Bull’s Eye!
Ken: My eye! You hit me with a pink crayon! I’m gonna have pink eye! You are a dirty fighter.
TK: DIRTY?
Matt: SHUT. UP.
(Ken flails his whip wildly, accidentally hits Matt and Mimi, and comes dangerously close to Tai’s arm.)
Matt: You little b******.
TK: What’s that?
Matt: Never mind, I’m gonna pound the little twerp!
Mimi: I’ll scar! He’s ruined my perfect skin!
SF: I don’t think I can let you all interfere. You see there was a bet made, and we’d have to change to the odds and then…well it would be complicated.
Izzy: I see. In other words, you and Nat and IL have made bets and you bet on Ken, so you don’t want them to pound him or else you’ll lose.
SF: Maybe.
(in the background, the fight continues.)
Ken: Where’d she go? Where?!
SF: Psst! Look for the thing wit all kinds of colors! She makes herself vulnerable by drawing all over everything with those crayons. It’s like reverse camouflage.
Ken: But I see nothing! Nothing but pink!
Tai: Wait, that’s like copyrighted! I already said that. Tell ‘em, Cody.
Ken: Hey! I said, “tell ‘em, Cody!”
Cody: Actually, you said, “Tell HER, Cody.” Why don’t you buy your own copy of Copyrighted Material? Incidentally, that is copyrighted by—
Ken: HEY! A little HELP here?! OW!! She hit me again in my other eye! I’m blind! Completely blind!
Sora: I think that means I win.
Ken: Nuh-uh. *flails wildly* (He manages to turn the gun around AND hit the trigger at the same time. The trigger sticks. Crayons fly out and pelt her.)
Sora: NOOOO!!
Ken: Did I win? Did I? Did I? Huh-huh-huh??
Sora: FINE! Just turn it off!
Tai: Sora’s also losing a lot of fights today.
Ken: I don’t know how.
SF: OK, Ken won. I’m happy. *knocks the gun down and turns it off by breaking it*
Ken: *does a victory dance* Woohoo! I won, I won! You have to keep the snake! Except I’m still blind. I’M BLIIIIIIIIND!!
SF: *rolls eyes* Here, you big baby. *blows some powder at him*
Ken: Oh…WOW! My eyes are cured! It’s a miracle! It’s magic! Wait, there is no such thing as magic…
SF: Sure there is. When we were picking up Crabbe and Goyle at Hogwarts, I spent some time “cleaning” Harry Potter’s pockets.
Sora: Stupid snake. Stupid malfunctioning trigger button.
Ken: So…how are you going to carry the snake? Around your neck like a feather boa as opposed to a real boa? Dragging it behind you? Kicking it in front of you?
Sora: None of the above. *catches sight of a trash can* I’m going to get rid of it. *drops it in and walks away*
Ken: *stares, flabbergasted* But…but…you can’t DO that! We went through a great and painful fight! I was supposed to get to watch you groan and haul it around.
Sora: Why didn’t it ever occur to YOU to just leave it somewhere?
Ken: Well, no but, I was afraid someone would steal it.
Sora: *shrugs* Well, it’s gone now.
Ken: No! I want it back!
Sora: So go get it.
Ken: Fine! I will then! (He walks over to the garbage can and starts digging through it. Sora walks up behind him and shoves him face first into the trash.)
Sora: That’s for turning my own gun against me.
Ken: *gets out* Look I saved him! *holds up the colorful, now pizza-covered, snake*
Sora: Grrrr…
SF: Well, we probably should head back to the exit. We could probably ride one more thing, then it’ll be time to leave.
Tai: I want to ride that big silver upside-down twisty thing!
Matt: I don’t think so.
Jun: We could go on the Ferris wheel!
Matt: I changed my mind, Tai, let’s go!
Davis: It’s getting dark out here. I should be in bed now.
Matt: You’re scared of the dark? You’ve been to the hell that is IFFI radio station FIVE times and you’re still scared of the dark?
Davis: That’s cause They might be sneaking up to capture you and you won’t even know it!
Matt: Baby. *nervously looks over his shoulder* AH I SEE THEM! Wait, it’s a bush. AH IT’S SNOWFLAKE! Wait, he’s right here.
Tai: Getting scared, are we?
Matt: SQUEAK!
Tai: AH! A RUBBER DUCK—oh, it was you.
Matt: Yeah, let’s not forget all your little phobias.
Jun: Mattsy, it’s almost dark! Remember? No cooties in the dark! And night is the best time for…
Matt: AUGH! EW! JUN! *runs away*
Tai: AUGH! MY NECK! *runs after him*
Jun: AUGH! MATTSY! *runs after HIM*
Mimi: OW! OW! I’M BEING SCARRED!
Jun: Hurry, Mimi!
Mimi: I can’t run that fast! Owowowowow! (Eventually, Jun gives up and comes back)
Jun: It’s hard to chase your husband when you’re getting electrocuted. Come ON Mimi!
Mimi: No!
Sora: Hey Jun, remember how Matt grows up to be MY husband?
Jun: OK, you do NOT want to start with me.
MATT AND TAI
Matt: *pant pant* We lost her!
Tai: Yes, and we also got lost.
Matt: It doesn’t matter if we’re lost, as long as we don’t have Jun.
IL’S Voice on Speakers: It’s time to go, Digi Destined Group. Remember what that means? You have three minutes to get out of the park before we hunt you down with Pikachus.
Tai: NOW do you see why it’s a bad idea to be lost?
OUTSIDE THE RED GARTER SALOON
TK: Did she just say Pikachus??
Sora: Of course.
Kari: Maybe we should hurry.
Joe: But we don’t know where the exit is!
Davis: I do.
Kari: Really??
Davis: It’s by the entrance!
TK: *swats him* Dumbass. Izzy! Don’t you have, like, a global positioning system on that thing?
Izzy: Yes, but my computer takes 2.6 minutes to boot up and log on. It’s got a virus, or something.
Mimi: Did you try giving it chicken noodle soup?
Izzy: I’m convinced that we Joe got mud on my Z key last time, it was permanently scarred and just…gave up.
Sora: Turn it on anyway!
Izzy: Sure, fine. Whatever. *turns it on* My battery is low. It’s…it’s dying! My laptop is dying! Nooooo!
Cody: I want to go home! I miss Grandpa!
Ken: *coughGrandpa’sBoycough*
Kari: But you see, to get home, we first have to ride on a bus. With the “Satans,” as Matt calls them.
Davis: Yes, that could be a problem.
Kari: It’s a fate worse than death.
TK: Yeah, I mean at least in hell, there’s only one devil!
Yolei: Well, let’s just wander around aimlessly until we find the exit.
Kari: No! We only have like under 2 minutes now!
(Suddenly, they hear rustling in the bushes)
Davis: Help! It’s the Pikachus!
Cody: Don’t worry, I have a Kendo stick.
Davis: Plus if all else fails, we have Ken’s whip and Jun’s face!
Jun: Why you…
Ken: Prepare for immense pain. *3 Pikachus pop out of the bushes*
SF: Oh look! It’s Sparky and Shocker, and my favorite, Spazass!
Davis: Aw, there’s only three of them. This’ll be easy to get through.
TK: I wouldn’t say that just yet.
*The Pikachus’ cheeks start sparking*
Kari: Run! *they are herded through the park, occasionally being shocked, out the exit and onto the bus*
Mimi: I never thought I’d be happy to see this bus again.
IL: Sparky, Shocker, Spazass? Where are the other two?
Nat: You forget, they only have 3 fingers on each paw. They can’t count that high.
IL: OK. Oops, no pets on the bus. *flicks Ken’s snake away*
Ken: NOOOO!
IL: The Pikachus and Snowflake will stay here and guard you while Nat and I find Matt and Tai. [a/n: Ay! It rhymes!]
Ken: How come YOU guys get pets?
Cody: OK. Now for a nice quiet bus ride home.
TK: Quiet. Bus. Ride. HAH!
MATT AND TAI
Matt: It’s been more than three minutes. What now?
Tai: I don’t know, based on past experiences the Pikachus are NOT powerful enough to kill us with their electricity, so I guess we’ll be okay.
Matt: Sure. It’ll be okay for YOU, you don’t have some psychopathic girl waiting for you back at the bus! *shudders* I keep thinking IL and Nat are going to sneak up on us any second!
Tai: You need to relax. We’ve already survived FIVE whole “interviews” with one or the other of them. We’ll be fine. Besides, they can’t really hurt us because then they would be out of material. The only other people they have are a couple of whacko FBI agents and some kids that can turn into animals.
Matt: *thinks for a while* I guess you’re right. *sighs* I miss the good old days in Calmwood. Jun couldn’t get me, I was safe from Them, and I had a nice comfy straitjacket with my name stitched on it: “Ned Flanders.”
Tai: Your name isn’t “Ned Flanders.”
Matt: I know, they just misspelled it a little.
Tai: Hey, what’s that rustling in the bushes?
Matt: It’s IL and Nat! Run!
Tai: No it isn’t, it’s--*pushes aside the foliage*--that NC girl and that Animorph kid Jake.
SB: I can’t see! What’s happening?
Matt: OK ew, let’s leave now.
(They turn to find themselves face t face with IL, Nat, and a big net. Next thing they know, they’ve been caught.)
Tai: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Matt: I thought you weren’t afraid of them.
Tai: That’s only when I’m not with them.
Nat: *sighs contentedly* Even with all these new-fangled devices, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned net.
IL: Yeah, yeah. Let’s get back to the bus before the station manager decides he’d rather listen to commercials than us stomping around in the bushes.
Nat: You know, I think he really does like your show. He only gives you a hard time because he has a crush on you. [Nat Note: Hehehe.]
IL: Ugh. The guy is old, bald, and has a mole the size of Kentucky. Besides, I don’t see YOU dating anyone.
Nat: *ignores her* What color are his eyes?
IL: Blue.
Nat: *coughyoulikehimcough*
IL: Oh look, we’re back at the bus!
*opens the door* *lets Mat and Tai on the bus*
Jun: Mattsy, you’re back! I saved you a seat!
Matt: That’s ok. This bus seats 80 people. *points at a sign* I’ll get my own seat.
Jun: But – Matt –
IL: Settle down please, the bus has begun moving.
Nat: OK, now what do we do for 2 hours until we get back to the studio?
Cody: I thought you were taking us home!
Nat: We are…in the Tokocopter. Or would you rather come visit my ranch?
Mimi: Do we get to wear cowboy hats?
Joe: No…no ranch.
Izzy: I have a feeling we wouldn’t like it at the ranch.
Tai: Oh! I’ve been to the…*Nat stomps on his foot*
Nat: Not another word. *Tai shakes his head*
IL: I was thinking…
Nat: Ooh! Could we play another game?
*groans from everyone*
IL: I think no more games for a while.
Nat: Awww…but I brought Cranium, and Scattergories…Clue, Guess Who…
Izzy: Did you say “Cranium”? That sounds like a cool game.
Nat: *nodes enthusiastically* And there are cards for drawing and some for singing and humming.
Matt: Singing?
Sora: Dancing?
IL: Some other time, I promise. Say, Snowflake, I think you forgot to turn your lights on.
SF: Oops. Sorry. *flicks them on*
Matt: AH! LOOK OUT FOR THE TELEPHONE POLE!!!!!
SF: Oops. *swerves hard to the left*
Joe: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH! We’re on the wrong side of the road!!!
Tai: Snowflake sucks at driving!
Matt: Yeah, aren’t rats supposed to see better at night?
SF: *turns around* Would you shut up? Maybe I can’t drive because you’re too loud—
Jun: Eeek! A truck! Mattsy! *leaps over the seats and knocks him down to protect him*
SF: Shut up! *spins hard to the right…and keeps spinning*
Tai: Snowflake you idiot!
Joe: Noo…no more circles…
IL: Snowflake! You almost killed me and Nat!
Sora: And…
IL: Oh, and of course the most precious living beings on board…
Sora: Awww.
IL: …the Pikachus!
Sora: Hey! What about us??
IL: Hmm…well, I guess you do symbolize a certain monetary value. SNOWFLAKE! *swats him* You almost made us go bankrupt! If the kids die, they’re worthless for interviewing purposes! (IL swats him a little too hard. He tumbles out of the seat, putting the bus out of control). Ahh! *frantically grabs for the wheel* Help! I can’t drive!
Nat: Shove over, MY driving instructor said I was the best student he’d ever had!
IL: Shut up.
Nat: Did you even pass your driving lessons?
IL: My guy was a jerk! An unfair jerk!
[a/n: RS actually DID pass her driving lessons. Barely. Practicing between lessons might have helped.]
Cody: Watch where you’re gooooooing!
Matt: Jun, get off!
Jun: REALLY?
Matt: Y—EW! STOP TAKING EVERYTHING I SAY LITERALLY!
TK: But Matt, she’s dirty! (silence)
Kari: It’s not funny anymore, TK.
TK: Oh. OK.
Matt: Well, if Jun would *remove her body from mine*, I would go and save you. You see, this already happened to me earlier.
Davis: Yeah, and you ended up crashing the vehicle!
Matt: That car didn’t have brakes!
IL: Nat, keep your eyes on the road, Ms. “Best Student Driver!” (as they sway over center line)
Nat: OK, you asked for it. *dives on her*
SB: Daddy, they’re fighting again. Daddy? (Snowflake is passed out)
Joe: Eeeeeeeeeeeh, the road! The bus! The--*faints*
TK: OK, see, a DRIVER would be helpful right about now.
Sora: Where are those Smart Kids when you need them?
Davis: I’m right here!
Yolei: Well, let’s count. One has fainted, one is hacking into the Department of Defense files again, and the other seems to going through snake withdrawal.
(Ken is curled in a ball on the seat.)
Ken: Snakey…my poor snakey. Slither the Snake, he was my best friend…I wish my snake could be with me to the end! But IL killed him. He was beautiful, my Slither. All black and green and orange, except for the parts with mush and pizza on him, and he was mine. I want my snake back! I won him! But he was destroyed! Destroyed by Interview Lady!
Sora: I think it’s time you forgot about the snake.
Ken: But she killed him!
Sora: And Matt killed my crayons—MATT KILLED MY CRAYONS! (She starts to rush at him, then leaps. As she takes off from the floor, however, it suddenly tilts and she flies right over Matt and lands on the floor.) OW! My tibia! It’s broken again! Izzy, fix my legs.
Izzy: *calmly looks up* Why would I do that when I just finished sending some bombs into France?
Ken: *snaps out of is trance and stares* That’s a dumb thing to do. Why would you do a thing like that?
Izzy: *shrugs* I got bored. Also, the French are stuck-up snots.
TK: You can’t do that! My grandpa lives in France!
Tai: And the hot French girl!
TK: Yeah!
Izzy: I can do anything I want.
IL: (From fistfight) Izzy, are you hacking into the government AGAIN?
Izzy: Yep. You have a problem with that?
(Nat decks her. IL goes back to fighting)
Cody: WHY WON’T ANYBODY LOOK AT THE ROAD??
Kari: Oh, stop being a—oh my god! He’s right! We’re gonna die for real this time!
Nat: NOW what’s wrong?
Matt: A BUS! WE’RE ON A CRASH COURSE WITH A BUS!
Sora: Of course we are. WE’RE on a bus.
Matt: LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! (screams erupt from the kids. Well, more high-pitched than usual screams)
Joe: EEK! EEK! EEK! EEK!
Davis: Mommmmyyyyyyyy!!!
Tai: Wait a minute, are those NUNS on the bus??
Jun: Whatever happens, it’s Davis’ fault.
Tai: Did you hear me? I said, we’re about to hit a busload of nuns!
TK: Oh good, then they’ll have to forgive us.
Tai: But nuns are like connected to God! They’ll sic God on us!
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Suddenly, the bus hits something very heavy and solid, half crumples, and skids off the road into a ditch)
All: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Sora: OW! My OTHER tibia! Somebody better pay my hospital bills! And then my wheelchair bills!
Matt: I’ll pay you if you SHUT your bill.
Davis: My head is broken! It feels funny.
Izzy: That’s the feeling of your brain thinking.
Cody: Hey, I don’t know if anyone noticed, but we missed the nuns (and hit a telephone pole). Now my Grandpa won’t kill me for defiling holy people…oh my gosh! My Kendo stick is BROKEN! Grandpa will kiiiiiiiill me.
Matt: F*** your stupid stick! I broke a nail!
(They all hear approaching sirens. A few seconds later, the door is bashed in)
Izzy: Yikes! *Hurriedly turns off his laptop – without even saving his work)
Paramedic 1: This place is a disaster zone!
Paramedic 2: Let’s move them out!
(A dozen or so men and women in light green smocks and face masks pile onto the bus and forcibly begin to strap the kids onto stretchers.)
Davis: I’m not dead yet!
Paramedic 9: What do we do with this pink rat thing? And these yellow rat things?
Paramedic 2: Strap them down too.
(In less than 10 minutes, all the kids are strapped in)
Nat: I refuse to be “strapped in” or whatever you call it. I refuse!
Paramedic 5: Be careful, we’ll have to put you out if you fight treatment.
Nat: Let’s see who puts who out. I (and IL of course) AM IN CHARGE HERE.
Paramedic 6: I suppose that means this is all YOUR fault?
Nat: NO! (She kicks him in the shins, but Paramedic 3 conks her from behind with a spare stretcher bar.)
Paramedic 7: Thanks, I think we’re gonna have to strap this one down with “extras.” She’s a fighter. (They shackle Nat to her stretcher)
Paramedic 7: *turns to IL* How about you?
IL: Uhh…I’ll come nice and quietly. (Paramedic 3 conks her too)
Paramedic 3: She lies, she plots, she can’t be trusted…I’ve heard her show. Shackle her too! (Soon, all children, rodents, and sadistical old maids who enjoy torturing young children are loaded into the back of ambulances and injected with “stuff” intended to keep them “calm” [as in out cold for hours.])
(Several hours later, everyone wakes up in various hospital rooms)
JOE
Joe: *waking up* Whaa? Where am I? What? No! I’m in a torture palace! Interview Lady and Nat are going to torture me to death! AH! *sees legs up in a sling* I’m on a stretching device! *sees IV* AH! I’m being stabbed! *feels bandage around head* AH! They’re cutting off my circulation! Help! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
INTERVIEW LADY
IL: Huh? What the--*sees an IV* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *lies in bed and keeps screaming*
NATALIE
Nat: Ow. Dammit, if you’re going to put me out, at least give me Pretty Colors.
Doctor: Pretty Colors?
Nat: Er, never mind. Now, where is that stupid pink rat Snowflake?
Doctor: Oh, all those rat-like things were taken to the vet. They weren’t hurt, but they were QUITE uncooperative, and then there was an inexplicable power outage so we dropped them off at the 24-Hour Pound.
Nat: “24” had better refer to the number of hours a day it’s open.
Doctor: Uh, sure. All the same, you might want to go get them in about three hours. *leaves*
TK’s Voice Next Door: SNOWFLAAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!
Nat: Doctors should be killed. OK, well, I’m going to have to think about whether or not I should save Snowflake. I mean, he almost killed ME. But then, IL might kill me, or TK might revert to his childhood habit of sobbing all the time. Hmm…*randomly pushes some buttons on the bedside phone*
Voice on Other End: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nat: IL? IL? STEPHANIE, will ya shut up for a second?
IL: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Nat: So, is it all right with you if I euthanize Snowflake?
IL: AAAH-What? How dare you! He’s my Toko! Euthanize the kids! Euthanize yourself! Euthanize God!
Nat: You need to take yourself off the morphine.
IL: *sighs* Fine.
Nat: How did you do that? You can’t just go “off” morphine!
IL: I lied.
Nat: Ah. OK, well, as far as I know, I’m totally unhurt and I bet you aren’t hurt either.
IL: Are you nuts?! They stabbed me!
Nat: Oi.
*several minutes, cursing, doctor begging/beating, schedule-messing, and assorted chaos later*
Nat: OK, here’s what we know so far. You and I are fine, the Pikachus and Snowflake are on Death Row, and the kids are scattered in various places here at Zeus Hospital.
IL: Ahhh! This is that hospital where the doctors are corrupt and they kill the patients and are possibly inserting alien cancers into their necks! Or it’s one of them…
Nat: I see.
IL: Dude, you need to listen to the Mulder and Scully Show more often.
Nat: OK—what do we do?
IL: Well, since we’re perfectly fine, obviously we both go to save our precious pets. *pause* How dare you think of abandoning Spazass??
Nat: I told you we shouldn’t have let Snowflake name him.
TAI’S ROOM NEXT DOOR
*Tai’s jaw is wired shut*
Tai: Klkdajr1w l;kfjklajoiqjodjflal alkj ias voenoour coyalcow yqwer! Lfkdlasia;sldfuizuequlabgooasdfhea;fasdffff! MMMMMRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! (Help! Don’t leave me here! I have mice and a rubber duck and a rat and boxers and um I think a steak and a mirror in my hair, and a TALKING rat! Am I good enough for Calmwood now? PLEEEEEEEEASSSSSSE??)
INTERVIEW LADY AND NAT
*attempting to slide out through the front door*
IL: Well, that was easy.
*Guards jump out from behind several tall plants and drag them off*
Hey, let go of me you big ugly…*kicks and struggles to no avail*
Big Guard: Sorry, patients are not allowed to leave until the doctor a) checks them out and b) receives his payment.
IL: PAYMENT?
Big Guard: $5,000.
IL: I didn’t ASK to be brought here! You forced treatment on us!
Nat: Unhand me at once! *scrapes along guard’s arm with her nails; he takes no notice*
SMALL ROOM WITH MANY GUARDS OUTSIDE DOOR
IL: Good job. Very smart.
Nat: It was YOUR idea to let Snowflake drive in the first place.
IL: Well, why didn’t you take over?
Nat: Umm…so how do we get out of here?
IL: Let’s see. The things in this room are: Us, whatever we have on us, four walls, a ceiling, a floor, a light, and a strange black gob on the wall.
Nat: Wait! Let’s go out the ceiling tiles! It always works in movies.
IL: OK. *Nat stands on IL’s shoulders and bangs on the ceiling*
Nat: Hey, no fair! All hospitals are supposed to have slideable tiles! *bangs more in vain*
IL: Um…uh, uh, AH! *loses her balance and falls*
Nat: I can’t escape if I’m being dropped constantly.
IL: You’d better have a new plan.
Nat: Hmmm… *rummages through her hair*
IL: Don’t tell me you think Tai had a good idea there.
Nat: Hey, it works for those times when paramedics steal your clothes. *indicates the papery little hospital gowns*
IL: Oh yeah. These things suck a great deal. We can’t exactly go anywhere with THESE on.
Nat: Yeah, that is a problem. Oh well. *pulls out Izzy’s super-high intensity pocket laser* Zap! *aims it at the ceiling*
IL: No! You idiot, if you cut through the ceiling it will fall on our heads and CRUSH US.
Nat: Oh. Yes.
IL: Oooh, wait, I got it! First we cut down the door. Then blind the guards and steal a pair of uniforms.
Nat: Ugh, you bloodthirsty savage.
TEN MINUTES LATER
(IL and Nat stroll out the door in guard uniforms)
IL: I think that went well. Especially for not having help from electrical shock, flamethrowers, or ugly children.
Nat: OK, come on! We have less than twenty minutes to save Snowflake.
IL: AHHH!! SPAZASS! We’ve gotta save him!
Voice from Behind: A little slow today, ladies?
IL: Oooh! Snowflake, hi. WHERE IS SPAZASS??
SF: I see why you like him so much.
Nat: So, Snowflake, how did you escape?
SF: Interesting story, actually. They were taking me out, figuring I was just a dumb pet, and sniggering about how they should dangle me as fishing bait before they killed me. It may frighten you to learn that our nation’s pet-killers are a bunch of slack-jawed, slow-witted teenage boys.
IL: And…
SF: So naturally I bit clean through their hands, called them a variety of French names, and while they were gaping at me I unlocked the cages of the Pikachus…well actually any cage I could find. So, um, you might want to be on the lookout for about 200 stray cats and dogs let loose on the town.
Nat: There were 200 dogs and cats at a 24-hour shelter?
IL: I still want to know where Spazass is.
Spazass: PikapikapikapikapikaCHUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!! *swells up and shocks several trees. Birds and squirrels drop out*
IL: I see he’s spazzing. Didn’t appreciate almost being used for fish bait?
SF: Sparky and Shocker are here too, in case you care.
Nat: Well, now that we have all the rodents, I guess we should go back and get the kids.
IL: Hah! Are you kidding? Have you any idea what kind of ratings we’ll get with this? We couldn’t have asked for a better scenario than this!
Nat: I take it you’re no longer worried about alien cancer chips?
IL: Nah. They insert the cancer chips into your neck, in the same spots you already put your chips in.
Nat: Well, if my chips are still in there, why didn’t we hear any anguished screams?
IL: Probably because Matt hasn’t woken up yet.
Matt’s Faraway Voice: AH! AH! AH! THERE’S A BLACK ANGEL OF DEATH BY MY BED!!!
Jun’s Faraway Voice: Mattsy! I found you! Kissy-kissy! See, we’re in a hospital so they cured my cooties!
Matt’s Faraway Voice: SUICIDE DOCTOR! HELP! NOW!
IL: Will you people get going? I need to go bug Mr. (ugly) Station Manager about a time slot.
Nat: Um, won’t he be kind of P.O.ed about not having his credit cards?
IL: Oops. Still! The Digi Destined kids are all trapped in a hospital. Tai still has a mouse and a baby Toko in his hair. Everyone is in those crappy papery gowns. Jun will inevitably end up chasing Matt through a heart surgery, or something. Joe or Ken might try to dissect people…that or they’ll find the morgue, which will probably cause Joe to have a heart attack. TK thinks Snowflake is dead. Mimi will be recognized an anorexic and forced to eat. Do you see al the fun things that could happen?
SF: You do realize that they’ll all be out of that hospital in a few days, right? You don’t have much time to set this thing up. Plus the station manager is NOT going to loan you cameras and microphones after he finds out you’ve caused several thousand dollars worth of hospital bills.
Nat: So we’ll get them before he finds out.
IL: (to Snowflake) Once again, YOU caused the damage.
SF: Hey look, we could argue all day about who crashed whose bus…
IL: Sounds good to me, Magic Schoolbus Crashing Dorkface.
SF: But we have to move now! We have to set up the show, plus we have to “*officially*” end this broadcast and also you might want to change out of those seriously oversized uniforms.
Nat: Come on, Steph. You can’t possibly procrastinate anymore. Besides, I know you’re just DYING to see the station manager again. *makes kissing noises*
IL: AHHH! *charges after Nat, who promptly runs off in the direction of the studio*
Nat: Hehehe. Come on Snowflake, I got her going! Hurry up and get your paycheck and cat biscuits and cheese and Turkish Delight! *Nat and IL are soon far down the street*
SF: I’ll be right there! (He turns towards the camera. Of course there was a camera there all along!)
We’d like to quickly point out here that IFFI Radio Station is in no way responsible for violent behaviors or foul language appearing in our more sensitive viewers. It’s your own damn fault. *gnashes teeth once, then smiles calmly*
And that, America, is the story of “A Field Trip to Valleyfair,” starring Natalie, Stephanie, Sparky, Shocker, Spazass, a baker’s dozen of freakish children with various obsessions and mental disorders, and your tres intelligent, never imitated but self-duplicated, adorable-on-the-outside (except for my huge teeth), evil-on-the-inside, innocently pink and fluffy host, SNOWFLAKE!
[a/n: And that was all they wrote.]
THE END/TO BE CONTINUED
RS: *bursts out laughing* I sat for 20 minutes in study hall and THAT was my ending? *cracks up again* Oh well, at least I wrote the ending. Rather, I WANTED to write an ending but Nat insisted we had to have a “to be continued.”
Nat: Yeah, we’re just like the show where it says, “To Be Continued” every time.
RS: Well, eventually we came to a stopping point on #6, because you know how long it took to write?
Three Notebook Pages of Statistics
Story “Officially” Begun: June 17, 2001
Story “Officially” Ended: February 6, 2002
(But we worked on it very little during the summer)
Time to Write Story: 7.5 months
Pages by Natalie: 81
Pages by RS: 142
Time to Type Story: 2 months (All by RS)
Written Notebook Pages: 219 (127 more than last time and spread in three notebooks, 2 half-used ones and a new one. The notebooks were light blue, dark blue, and black)
Printed Pages in Size 10 Font: 79
Places Story Was Written: 16 (Stephanie’s house, Nat’s house (averaging 7 pages per sleepover), Nat’s cabin, the van DRIVING to Nat’s cabin, school bus, school library, classes of Communications, History, Biology, Keyboarding, Gym, Study Hall, Math, Lunch, Homeroom, and during pep band at basketball and hockey games)
People Who Asked What This Was About: 17
Nat’s Side Margin Cartoon Illustrations: 12
Margin Notes: 81
Colors Original Draft was Written In: 29
# of lines Mimi starts with “Ooh!”: 15
Top Items: The 10-Foot Snake and Rubber Ducks!
Total Cast Members: 73 (and hundreds of nameless, faceless Valleyfair-goers.)
THANKY-KINDLY TO
1. Toei Animation for releasing their property to come and play at Valleyfair.
2. The WB, for selling us two adorable and one spazzing Pikachus
3. Monty Python for the line, “I’m not dead yet!”
4. The 1013 Gang for briefly sending us an ex-FBI agent, an FBI agent on leave, and their offspring (aka Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and Baby William Mulder-Scully)
5. Valleyfair, “The Big Wow,” located in Shakopee, Minnesota. Place of abnormally high prices, fun rides, and two really fun field trips. See their website for pictures of the rides.
6. Crayola with its pretty colored crayons, also…
7. Erik, remember him from Story #2? Anyway, in 8th grade, for a couple weeks in November he was “obsessed” with being a crayonist and had a big bag of Crayola crayons he took everywhere. He pretended to flip out upon finding a Roseart crayon in the mix. Also…
8. Angie, Nat’s sister, who thought up the idea of drawing on Cody’s Kendo stick.
9. Fanfiction.net for AT LONG LAST uploading my stories in .doc format.
Nat: Then shouldn’t we also thank Angelfire for hosting out web page?
RS: See, there’s a fine line between adequate and obsessive thanking.
10. Hogwarts/Rowling/Whatever for magic dust and our now rather useless security guards Crabbe and Goyle.
11. The Magic Schoolbus and its various copyright holders. Their Magic Bus is quite useful.
12. Nat’s Dad for proving information on the “Federal Treasury.” (see, NOW it’s time to thank the family)
13. A motivational speaker whose name slips my mind at the minute…anyway, he came and gave a presentation to our school, and it was pretty good, however all I remember is him asking us if we were getting “Buttlock.”
14. Mr. Arney, for the thought-provoking question of why you would hate someone’s guts.
15. John Danielson for quoting "OK people, make shoving room!" as we got off da Valleyfair bus.
16. God for being such a good sport in this story.
17. The Shakespearean Insult Machine, run by Chris Seidel. Go play with it. It's funny.
18. Lots of awesome band kids…every band kid used was an actual member of our band. Now, our school does not actually have a marching band, but you know, we took liberties. OK, and John G. quit band last year, but…
We used kids with the best personality quirks.
Ryan
Shannon
Laurel
Brandi
Bjorn
Robin
Natalie (Yeah, that’s Nat)
John D.
John G.
Seija (remember her?)
Becky
Josh
Stephanie (that’s me!)
Kelley
Mr. Rantanen, the conductor…well, actually he teaches at the high school for grades 11-12 (we’ve got a much better director, Miss Youngs), but he did our sectionals last year and also does half the pep band games. RS hates him a lot because he had a great influence over our grades…and his basic policy is “First Row: A’s. Second Row: B’s.” She hates him less at pep band. Nat has nothing to say because she is in Arizona while RS is typing this over spring break. *EG*
Also, the whole marching band segment came about while we were at a boys basketball game, in the pep band of course. We were trying to decide what to write after the part where Tai and Izzy are on the Monster, and Nat goes, “We should have them meet a marching band, and use kids from band.” And it was like, “YEAH!” That occupied us for the rest of the game plus part of a sleepover. Of course, it didn’t make sense to see a marching band in the rain, so we had to move that whole segment to an earlier part of the story (just after they leave the fortune teller’s hut). That’s why Snowball kept going in and out of Tai’s hair – I had to rewrite a couple segments.
OK now, if we didn’t thank somebody for it, it came out of our own little minds.
Cody’s Distant Voice: What?? You forgot PILES of stuff! What about the books?? The songs?? Kung Pow?? Spongebob Square—
Nurse’s Distant Voice: Here’s some more of that Happy Medicine.
RS: *shakes head* I don’t know why he always wants the last word. Anyway, onto Notebook Page 3:
RANDOM FACTOMS
1. Rainbow Stevie is indeed deathly, deathly afraid of needles. I had to have surgery in early June to fix my shoulder, which I dislocated when I got shoved and fell in soccer. It was Hell.
2. When we got to our third notebook, I said: “OK. Our goal is to finish in 50 pages or less.” Our story went on 50 more pages and then ended. It was exactly how many pages were in the notebook. :-)
3. Snowball got his name because each Interview Lady story “snowballs” out of control – bigger and bigger…
4. Inspiration for this story came...er, sometime between May 17th (the day I dislocated my shoulder) and May 25th, 2001 (5 days after the BIG BIG X-Files Season 8 finale, where Mulder finally kissed Scully, which subsequently caused RS to run outside and dance in the rain at 9 PM for 20 minutes. Shut up.]
Anyway, it was either May 18th or between May 21st and 25th that we went to Valleyfair on an overcast, rainy day on a field trip for the pep band members. We were walking around, and all of a sudden, it was like, “We should have the Digi Destined here.” We rode the High Roller in the rain. We went on the Flying Trapeeze in the rain (THAT sucked.) Seija and Becky rode the Wild Thing in the rain. No sane person went on the Power Tower. (However, IN-sane people like John D. did)
5. The giant 10-foot snake is real. Actually, it’s more like 5 feet long, and it’s black and blue, and it’s really not very heavy, but it’s in the band room at South Campus. On last year’s field trip, some kid won the big snake and gave it to Mr. Rantanen. Two years ago, Nat and I were offered a giant stuffed Husky…which we would have taken except for the fact that it was sorta hard to lug around.
6. The saxophone was invented by the Saxons.
7. Tesla invented the romance novel. Disputes over this fact may be sent to Martin (not his evil twin Bevan) at North Campus Band Room, First Hour, Clarinet Chair #6.
8. Spazass’s name came while waiting in the band room before a pep band game, and some girl told her friend, “God, don’t be a spazzass!” Speaking of which…
9. “I don’t wanna be a walleye, I don’t wanna be a bass, so kiss my *slap butt*” (I believe it was the same girl)
10. A curmudgeon is a disagreeable, irritable, bad-tempered, or stubborn person. Origins? Shakespearean times, of course.
11. Oh no! Nobody got accused of being gay this time! AHHHHHHHH!!!!
[Tai’s Note: Matt’s gay!]
[TK’s Note: How the hell would you know?]
[Tai’s Note: Um…]
12. Hmm…Gelly Roll [pens] are made in Japan. I guess it’s fitting that we write about characters from Japan with pens from Japan.
13. No crayons, stuffed animals, or nuns were harmed in the making of this story.
14. TK’s Favorite French Word: “Sale.” (Pronounced SAL: dirty)
15. “Paul Bunyan” is in the dictionary.
16. Emily King: “Ms. Germann, the M & M’s melted in my hand and not my mouth.” (Emily has no relation to the story, it’s just one of the margin notes I scribbled in class)
17. Mr. Rantanen after pep band: “Dudes, time to go home!”
Band Kid: “What?”
Mr. Rantanen: Isn’t that the proper way to address young people nowadays?”
18. In Rainbow Stevie’s opinion, the reason the show always ends with “To Be Continued” is because the writers really suck at conclusions.
Nat: Hey!
19. “Three Notebook Pages of Statistics” is a play on one of RS’s band songs, “Three Scottish Folk Songs.” Or rather, as they renamed it during jazz band, “Three Scottish Dudes.” (I have no idea why. They make a lot of inside jokes in jazz band.)
20. FINALLY
The 7th story was started in February. We haven’t gotten very far on it, maybe 10 pages, because Nat’s busy with her Hard Homework-Filled Semester and I have spent the time typing this story. Who knows when we’ll finish, but we will. In the 7th story, we’ll (eventually) get the kids out of the hospital, and then we play another game: Cranium. (Notes for Story 7 – as well as inspiration – came from the day we played Cranium on the second-to-last day of math class in June of 2001.) So that’s where we’ll be until next time, mates!
Email: morgan9787@aol.com