*Word Of Warning* This story is really, really, really long. I do not recommend reading it all at once - unless you print it off, which would also take forever. I left an advisory warning break somewhere in the middle to remind you. Cheerio.
*NEW!* "Profiles Of The Digi Destined." A short but cute interesting read. May make more sense if you read it after the story, but it doesn't really matter much. NOW we can start.
Summary: After being abducted for the third time, the Digi Destined find that Interview Lady has been overthrown by Princess Goddess Natalie. On Nat’s show, they are partnered off and trapped in little plexiglass booths while forced to play a twisted version of Jeopardy. We also discover that Snowflake (the fickle wimp) has joined forces with Natalie. Sora has very few lines, spending most of her time with Madame Pomfrey. Cody is horribly, terribly obsessed with copyrights, even more so than before. Mimi is rather stupid. Tai still can’t punch anybody and kendo sticks are everywhere. Ken (who has found his whip again), Jun (who won’t leave poor Matt alone and is REALLY thick headed), and Cody’s Grandfather appear, as do a few irksome Pikachus. And as we all know, Pretty Colors never go away…
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Prologue: Hi guys! *waves at all fans of Interview Lady* Well, I wasn’t going to write anymore after last time but Natalie begged and begged so eventually, we started writing this one together. This story was unique in that the whole thing was first written in a notebook - normally half of it is written while I type. And I can assure you, this was lots of fun to take out during every spare moment of class. So that’s our background; Nat had so much fun writing it she’s already begging to start another so, well, we’ll see.
*Note* For the purposes of this story Mimi is staying in a hotel in Japan. Why, we don’t know. We’re pretty sure it isn’t to see her friends, but then again…
Snowflake: Shut up and start the story.
IL: Hey! You aren’t on my side! Shoo, you bad Toko, SHOO!
AND NOW, our story unfolds as the curtain opens on….
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
MIMI’S HOTEL ROOM
Tai: Are you absolutely SURE this will work?
(It is early evening, and Tai and Davis are sitting on the floor next to Mimi. Davis watches skeptically as his idol, surrounded by about 15 pounds of makeup and hair supplies, has hot rollers curled into his hair by Mimi, whose own hair is now permed with blue ends)
Davis: *interrupting* Why the hell are we at a girly sleepover anyway?
Mimi: You’re here because Tai’s here, and yes Tai I’m sure it will work.
Tai: Those curlers hurt my hair. *pause* What’s that sizzling sound?
Mimi: Uhhh…just a minute. (Mimi quickly empties a bucket of water over the slightly singed curls)
Davis: HAHAHA! He looks like a dog that just came out of the bath!
Tai: Hey, I was a god to you 10 minutes ago!
Davis: Yeah, well, that was before Mimi convinced you that curly hair would help you get into the Digiworld without a D3.
Tai: You mean it’s not true??
Mimi: Of course it is. *whacks Davis with a large, very heavy, solid iron fondu pot*
And fingernail polish gets you there even FASTER.
Tai: Well in that case, does lipstick help?
Mimi: Oh yeah. And then we can get you some nice eyeshadow, and mascara, and foundation & powder, and pretty soon all you’ll have to do is THINK "digiworld" and you’ll be there.
Tai: (checking out his hair in the mirror) DUDE, I look even cooler than Mr. A-GU-mon!
Mimi: *snickers* Oh yeah. Now, help me tie Davis down in 5-point restraint and make him pretty too, before he wakes up.
Tai: Let’s put him in a straitjacket!
Mimi: But then we can’t do his nails! Idiot.
JAIL CELL
Matt: Woo! Yeah! Move those hips girl! Pretty soon you can be the dancer for the Teenage Wolves.
Kari: You really think so?
(It is no use asking why Kari and Matt are sharing a jail cell. But they are, and Matt is coaching her exotic dancing, having apparently spent time with Izzy at those fascinating nightclubs.)
Matt: I know so. Now remember, your role model is that nice group of high school cheerleaders we met in Boston. We want to imitate as much of their routine as we can.
Cody’s Semi-Distant Voice, in another jail cell: THAT WAS A COPY-RIGHTED ROUNTINE!
Matt: (yelling back) It was NOT freakin’ copyrighted! "Ally McBeal" taught me that routines can’t be copyrighted!!
Cody: YES THEY CAN! DIDN’T YOUR GRANDFATHER TEACH YOU ANYTHING??
Matt: He taught me how to smoke my first cigar…
Cody: You incorrigible savage.
John Doggett (The Manly Man): One more word out of you, and I’ll make good on my threat to beat you over the head with that wooden pole.
Cody: It’s a KENDO stick you, moron. It is part of an ancient and respected -
(Doggett knocks him over the head)
ANOTHER JAIL CELL: SOLITARY CONFINEMENT
(Izzy is sitting stiffly against the wall, fingers hovering in the air above his lap, working frantically at a ghost machine.
Izzy: Computer…compuuutteerrr….
Voice In Izzy’s Head: Playing your air piano again?
Izzy: It is NOT a piano. It is a technologically superior XL2000 Version 5.0 word processing machine also suitable for highly advanced international network infiltration.
Voice: Wha?
Izzy: A COMPUTER WITH INTERNET ACCESS!!
Voice: There’s nothing there. Your computer was taken away when they realized you were downloading hentai.
Izzy: My computer is right in front of me.
Voice: You’re speaking to an invisible person while using an invisible machine.
SORA’S FLOWER SHOP
(Sora and Joe are working at a table, flower parts spread everywhere)
Sora: So, um, Joe. What did you say you came in here for?
Joe: To dissect some flowers.
Sora: OK. WHY are we dissecting my flowers?
Joe: Because, you lowly apprentice, if you want to ARRANGE flowers you must know what’s INSIDE them.
Sora: Why?
Joe: …
Sora: You just like hacking into things with that little knife, don’t you.
Joe: I am a scientist. I do not "hack." Izzy hacks into things. Things like the U.S. government base. And for your information, it’s a SCALPEL!
Sora: Looks like a knife to me.
Joe: *switches to "Scream" mode* IT’S - A - SCALPEL!!
(Sora squeals and runs up the stairs)
Joe: Get back here and pay homage to me for getting you out of jail!
Sora: You dissected the guards!!
YOLEI’S APARTMENT
(Yolei is cleaning her glasses)
Yolei: Scrubbily bubbily scrubbily-bubbly…
Cody’s Grandfather: AH! NO! YOU MUST NEVER CLEAN YOUR GLASSES COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!
Yolei: *screams* Where did you come from?? How did you get in here?? And anyway, you don’t even wear glasses. You prune-juice drinking, liquid yogurt sucking obsessive-compulsive FREAK!
Grandfather: Now, now, calling names won’t help. What’s really bothering you?
Yolei: *cries* Everybody makes fun of me because I’m stupidly tall and my British-accented digimon is a frickin’ boy and I miss m-m-my boyfriend! HE SAID HE’D GO ON A DATE WITH ME BUT THEN HE DISAPPEARED! MIKEY-POO!!
Grandfather: *yanks out a stick thingy-ma-jig and knocks her over the head* You’re too young to be dating anyway.
(a buzzer rings)
Time for my prune juice!
Yolei: *thinks evil thoughts* Say, why don’t I get it for you? Would you like it on the rocks…er, I mean with ice?
Grandfather: (looking confused) OK.
(Yolei scrambles into the kitchen to get his drink. Stopping in her bedroom, she picks up a mysterious package. Back in the kitchen, she mixes about half of it into the drink and then goes back)
Yolei: Hehehe here you go, Mr. Cody’s Nutso Grandad Ninja Person.
Grandfather: *takes a sip* Very good! You’re an excellent drink-maker.
Yolei: Weell, I’m studying to be a bartender.
Grandfather: *sounds groggy* That’s nice…Wow, look at all dem purty colors, yee-haw!
KEN’S SECRET LABORATORY
(Ken has invited TK over to test out his new white rings, with the promise that they will make Snowflake remember he belongs to TK)
TK: So, this will *really* help me get my batpi…I mean, get Patamon back? It’s getting tiresome using a robot Patamon to kick Arukenimon’s butt every day.
That, plus I really wanna show up that stuck-up arse of an Interview Lady…*mutters* Teach her to feed MY tokomon drugs…
Ken: Of course! You’ll just slip this white ring around his leg and you’ll have total control over him. But first we need one on your arm. It’s a 2-way thing, like walkie-talkies.
TK: OK! *whispers* I knew Ken was a nice guy. *slips a ring on his arm*
Ken: *presses a button on his D3* Ah, ignorance may be bliss…but evil ingenuity is way more fun! *evil laugh*
You are now under my control.
TK: *stares, zombie-like*
Ken: You are now a dog. Behave accordingly.
(TK barks and begins chasing his non-existent tail)
Ken: Ha-HAH, it is GREAT to be in charge again. That whole being-nice thing was starting to drive me criminally insane. Here Puppy, have a dog treat.
(TK sniffs, gobbles up the treat, then jumps on Ken and begins licking his face)
Ken: YOU PATHETIC LIFE FORM! (pulls out his whip)
Wormmon: *flies up and grabs the whip* No Ken! You promised you’d never go back to your evil ways! The crest of kindness! Remember it!
Ken: You mean the little piece of plastic I painted pink and buried in the sand and moved with wires?
I don’t think so, you slimy ball of green sickness carrion.
Wormmon: Who u callin’ green??
INTERVIEW LADY’S STUDIO
IL: (speaking to Snowflake) So, what’s the next trick we use to get them into our studio? Hypnotism? Run the bulls? Release the hounds?
Snowflake: (face spooikly lit by candlelight) No tricks will be necessary.
IL: Huh? What do you mean?
(the door bangs open and another girl storms in)
Nat: IT’S PAY-BACK TIME! (she is armed to the teeth with deadly guns and ammunition…as well as a Kendo stick and three sparking pet Pikachus)
IL: What the - how did you get in here past security?!
(cut to: the three guards muttering about Pretty Colors. Cut back)
Nat: You’d love to know, wouldn’t you? Well, TOO BAD.
IL: Get out of my studio!
Nat: Oh no, I don’t think so. *ties up IL and gags her*
How do YOU like being bound and gagged in the corner?
IL: MoswflampghREEA! (Snowflake, HELP ME!)
Snowflake: Take that! *sticks tongue out at IL* You never let me have Turkish Delight!
Nat: Good boy, Partner. (She tosses him a piece of the candy, which Snowflake gobbles up) Now, back to the land rover hovercraft ship we stole from Evil Ken!
KEN’S FLOATING BASE
(Nat peers at the many screens floating in darkness - Ken’s old control room. The screens each show the location of the DigiDestined)
Snowflake: All is ready.
Nat: Excellent. Want to do the honors?
Snowflake: Love to. *pushes a big red button*
MIMI’S HOTEL ROOM
Mimi: And now the eyeshadow…
Davis: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Tai: Don’t you want to be able to go to the digital world?
Davis: DUH I already can. OW! Mimi you poked me in the eye!
(All of a sudden, a huge net drops from a concealed spot in the ceiling, capturing all three. Crabbe and Goyle burst down the door and drag the child-filled net away)
Mimi: I BROKE A NAIL! How dare you? *claws frantically in vain*
Tai: Mommy!
Davis: "Mommy"?
(Tai punches him. OH MY GOD, Tai actually landed a punch. They start brawling, but it doesn’t go on long before Crabbe pulls out a Kendo stick and knocks all three out cold.)
JAIL
(Cody, Izzy, Matt and Kari all hear the loud clamoring of a fire alarm. Quickly a guard unlocks them from the cells.)
Kari: (whispering) Don’t they realize that prisons are made out of concrete and steel? And therefore aren’t flammable?
Matt: Hush they might hear!
Kari: Isn’t it winter outside?
Matt: Yup.
Kari: Um, then it’s really cold outside. And I’m wearing this skimpy costume?
(Matt pauses to speculate over the effects of cold on a girl wearing very little clothing)
Matt: You know, what you’re wearing is fine…*notices Kari glaring daggers at him*
Fine, here’s Gabumon’s Garuru-skin cape.
Kari: Yuck, it smells!
Izzy: Has anyone seen my computer???? I can’t leave without it!
(Matt whispers that Kari is going out into the cold with only an exotic dancer costume on and Izzy follows silently. Cody walks behind them, rubbing a giant Kendo stick inflicted bump on his head. They reach the door.)
Matt: Hey, why are we the only prisoners out here??
(Immediately they are ambushed, tied up, thrown in the back of a truck, and driven away)
Izzy: ^%$# I don’t like where this is going…
SORA’S MOTHER’S FLOWER SHOP
Joe: Ouch!
Sora: Well I told you not to dissect the roses.
(A giant flower shaped pokémon steps out from behind a fern)
Sora: Aw crap, I thought we already sprayed the place for those…
Pokémon: Vile-PLUME! (It sprays a pollen like dust in the air. Instantly, Sora and Joe fall down, paralyzed. Professor Sprout appears.)
Sprout: That’ll teach you to cut up my precious flowers!
(Joe’s last conscious thought is of where in the world a British wizard would find a Japanese Pocket Monster and if perhaps a similar pairing gave Hawkmon his British accent and Armadillomon his Southern drawl. Then he blacks out and is tied up with Sora in a little net.
YOLEI’S APARTMENT
Grandfather: Nooooo, all the pretty colors are going away. *he faints and the phone rings*
Yolei’s mom: (coming through the doorway)
Get the phone! We just got back from the zoo!
Yolei: Then why is he still with you? *points at her crying brother*
Brother: I DIDN’T GET TO SEE THE MONKEYS!!
Yolei: I thought you were older than me.
Brother: O yeah. *punches her*
(Yolei ducks and the phone rings again)
Mom: GET THE PHONE!! And who is that old man??
Yolei: Some nut. *grabs the phone*
Mimi’s Voice: Hi Yolei, you are the coolest. Why don’t you come over to my house and we can hang out with MICHEAL?
Yolei: Really?? WOOHOO! (she drops the phone and runs out the door… straight into a giant net)
KEN’S SECRET LABORATORY
(TK begins frantically whining. He paws at the door, then barks)
Ken: QUIET, you blasted fool! *kicks him*
(Suddenly, the door is knocked down and in comes…)
Ken: *disgusted* Ugh, who are *you*?
Mulder: We are Agents Mulder and Scully of the FBI…
Ken: What d’ya mean, FBI? The U.S. government has no power to arrest kids in Japan!
Scully: *stares at him, then erupts in fury* MULDER!!!!
(Mulder winces)
Mulder: I’m sorry! I’m sorry we met them again! I didn’t know we were going to arrest the animated children…
(the rest of his words are lost as Scully beats him about the head and shoulders with whatever is handy…which happens to be a !KENDO STICK!)
Scully: You - *whack* - stupid - *whack* - IDIOT - *whack*!!!
Why are you even here with me? You quit the FBI. Claimed you were so mentally damaged by the alien torture (which I STILL suspect was really just a series of badly lost bar fights) that you couldn’t investigate the X-Files anymore…left me with that dolt Doggett…I mean HELLO there’s an X-File right in front of your eyes. I’ve been pregnant since May and now it’s February and I’m not even showing?! And another thing -
(She spots Ken trying to shove TK out the window and escape)
I’ll hurt you later. GET THEM!
(Mulder performs an amazing flying tackle and manages to knock both TK and Ken unconscious. He binds them with rope and then drags them outside to a large floating base. He trades them in for a very large check and walks off, while Scully runs after him, now demanding answers as to why she has the gestation period of an elephant)
ON A PLANE
(All Digi Destined are knocked out on the floor in a large group. Izzy alone wakes up)
Izzy: Huh? Where are we going? I don’t remember getting on a plane…
Voice: I’ve got one word for you…
Izzy: (turning pale) NO!
Voice: Studio.
Izzy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*27 hours, 10 stops, a box of Kleenex , a stray cat, a book of GothTK’s poetry, and 31 Kendo sticks later*
Izzy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Intercom: Please remain seated until the flight comes to a complete stop. Thank you for choosing Her Majesty Princess Goddess Nat’s Airlines.
Sora: (waking up) Odd, that name is familiar.
Izzy: (deep breath) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
*12 hours, 2 taxis, 7 cop cars, 1 rollover, 17 bags of cough drops for Izzy, and a Kendo stick later*
TAXI 1
Yolei: Are we there yet?
Sora: Shut up.
Yolei: Are we there yet?
Mimi: ERR!! (she jumps on Yolei) You stupid empty-headed, pig-snouted four-eyed piece of….
(her words are lost in the sound of a 6-way DD brawl. From the back of the other taxi, Ken, Kari, Matt, and Joe stare in alarm. TK continues barking, Izzy keeps on screaming. Both cars pull into a parking lot. Iron gates shut, electrical fences are activated, and attack dogs are released from kennels. Matt tries to make a getaway when the car door is opened, only to be surrounded by dogs)
Matt: Nice doggies! Do you know my friend Gabumon?
Dogs: GRRRRRRR!! (TK growls and bites Matt pant leg too. Matt swats him)
Matt: What is UP with you today TK? (TK growls more)
STUDIO
(They are forced to enter a big room with cameras situated around it. Izzy snaps out of his screaming mode)
Izzy: Hey, this looks strangely like the set of Jeopardy.
Cody: *gasp* That show is copyrighted! Who would DO such a thing?
Kari: I bet it’s that bitch Interview Lady. Every time something weird happens it’s her fault and we get trapped in her damn studio.
Voice From The Corner: Welcome to…Princess Goddess Nat’s Game Show Slash Interview Hour, or P.G.N.’s G.S.S.I.H. I am your host, Nat. You may call me Princess or Goddess, whichever you prefer. This is my co-host, Snowflake.
Yolei: Where’s Interview Lady?
Nat: Happy Interview Lady? She’s busy being "happy" right over there. (A light snaps on, showing IL tied in a corner) Relax, I’ll untie you when I run out of material.
IL: UhrunghU!
Nat: What’s that?
IL:: Uhrugh-OO!! (Attempting to curse "F#@% YOU!")
Nat: Sorry, can’t understand you. You probably have nothing good to say anyway. *flips off the light*
Cody: Didn’t IL say that to YOU when YOU were tied and gagged in the corner? Doesn’t it count as copyrighted material?!?!?!?!
Kari: Hey, is the phrase "F OFF" copyrighted?
Cody: *pulls out his little book of all copyrighted material and looks it up* Actually, yes. The saying was invented in-
Ken: *knocks him over the head with a kendo stick* That’s why it’s called a KEN-do stick. Hehehe.
Nat: Well yes, but that was when the Animal Morphing Children came by. How did HE hear about it?
Ken: We have a cable channel called USA. That’s where we watch Happy Interview Lady and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Survivor and Jeopardy!
Matt: What about Baywatch? And, and Temptation Island?!?!?!?!
Izzy: And Battle of The Child Geniuses?!
Davis: And Barney!!
Izzy: Barney?
Nat: Damn, I had a category for American TV shows. Now I’ll have to make it something harder, like the moons of Saturn or something.
Izzy: Yes! I was obsessed with the moons of Saturn and Jupiter as a child! Callisto and-
*gets hit in the head with a microphone*
Izzy: *pause* Don’t we use kendo sticks around here?
Nat: Oh right, Snowflake get him!
Snowflake: I love this job.
Yolei: NOW what’s your job? I thought you worked for the FBI -
Ken: *interrupting* I have met 2 FBI agents. They were both demented and freaky.
Kari: Oh yeah? Well everybody else has met four.
Yolei: I’ve met 5.
Matt: Oh I’ve met 7.
Izzy: I’ve met 1,023.
*everyone stares*
Izzy: Well, I do spend all my free time in one aspect or another of the U.S. government.
Yolei: Oh. Well um, Snowflake anyway after you worked for the FBI you were a spy…and last I checked you were INTERVIEW LADY’S pet trained attack Toko.
Snowflake: The P.G. Nat pays better wages and lets me play with her weapon collection.
IL: Urumaemptickaool! (You pathetic fickle fool!)
Snowflake: *nips the bound form* You WILL not speak in the presence of PG Nat’s Holy And Most Formidable Attack Toko.
Nat: It is now time to start the game.
Tai: But I haven’t punched anybody yet! And I punched Davis really good in the net back there!
Matt: Like heck you did.
Nat: *punches him* This is my show and you will not interfere. Now, we will have 6 teams of 2. Do you want to pick teams?
(The words are scarcely out of her mouth when a HUGE 12-way Digi Destined brawl begins. Mimi grabs Joe by the ears. Kari, Sora and Yolei are pulling on Matt’s shirt...)
Matt: Hey! This is my brand new school uniform!
Yolei: You have 20 suits exactly like it.
Matt: But this is my favorite one!
(Matt and Tai start punching each other - well actually Matt is proving that if Tai really did punch Davis it was a TOTAL fluke -, Ken and Cody are at it with Kendo sticks and whips. TK bites Davis in an inappropriate place, causing him to scream and kick TK in the mouth)
Izzy: You all realize this is rather pointless, as she will probably pick teams for us anyway.
Joe: *holds up Izzy’s computer* I think I know how to provoke him properly…*holds Izzy’s computer above the fight, threatening to drop it*
Izzy: NO! *charges into the fight, which is a rather frightening spectacle*
Snowflake: (watching, amused) I love it when they fight.
Nat: We’ll give it 2 more minutes, we have the studio to ourselves all day anyway.
*2 minutes, 7 black eyes, 3 split lips, 12 heads of messy hair, many many bruises, a broken leg, an Attack Toko, and a kendo stick later*
Nat: Finally, all settled down.
(11 children are lying on the floor. Sora is being carted off to Madame Pomfrey, clutching her broken leg)
Sora: I’ll kill you Kamiya, you slutty Matt hog!
Izzy: The interesting thing is, she could mean *either* Kamiya when she says that.
(Tai starts toward Izzy, but is grabbed by guards)
Sora: Inoe, you 4-eyed freak! You stupid…*the door slams shut, cutting her off*
Nat: Now, since you couldn’t pick like civilized people, I’ll have to make the teams myself.
Izzy: Told you.
Nat: Actually, I’ll make it all random chance.
Izzy: Sure.
*10 minutes, six pairs of dice (at least one loaded), a deck of cards, a penny w/ 2 heads sides, a tennis racket, calculator w/ a random integer function on it, hat full of names and yes, a Kendo stick later*
Nat: Team #1 is…*peers at notebook* IZZY and JOE.
Joe: Yeah! We’re the two smartest people, we can’t lose!
Izzy: I guess we do have an advantage. *looks at Joe and grimaces* Would you wash your hands please?
Joe: A little obsessive-compulsive?
Izzy: No, you have some frog guts on them from the poor little thing you insisted on dissecting in the taxi.
Joe: Oops.
Mimi: Nooooooooo, *I* wanted Joe. *pouts in the corner. TK senses her sad feeling and tries to lick her cheek.*
Mimi: PERVERT! *slaps him like the prissy girl she is* Well I guess I could always get Matt…
(Kari and Yolei bristle. Matt, being amazingly smart, puts a hand on each one’s shoulders. It works like a tranquilizer and both girls relax, sighing contentedly. Matt smirks at Tai.)
Matt: You WISH you could have girls fawning over you.
Tai: Do not! I mean, I do. I mean, shut up! I wanna hear the next team!
Nat: Team 2 is…*drumroll* Tai and Mimi!
Mimi: Hmm…he’s pretty ugly…but now we can finish your makeover!!
Tai: Oh no you don’t, I’ve had enough! I did all the things you said I should do and I’ve been thinking "Digiworld" for 30 hours straight. Does it look like I’m there? Logically, that can only mean you’re a liar.
Mimi: Nonsense, you probably just don’t have enough on yet. Maybe if I add a pink and purple hairbow…
Nat: BTW Tai, I love what you’ve done with your hair. (The super hairspray has held the curls amazingly well)
Matt: Hey, I didn’t even notice!
Tai: You're just ASKING for a smackdown, aren’t you. *takes a wild swing and misses*
Matt: You’d think that by his 4th interview he’d learn how to punch people properly. (Matt easily sidesteps him, and Tai crashes to the floor)
Tai: OWW!!
Nat: TEAM THREE: Matt and Sora.
Matt: Woohoo! Sora’s not here so I get too play by myself!
Nat: Oops, no, can’t have that. Well Matt, you can be a threesome with Team 4, YOLEI and KARI.
Yolei: WHAT?? Me and KARI?? Like I don’t already have to put up with that wimpy hallucinating dork when our pathetic digimon fuse together??
Kari: I’ll show you wimpy dork! *catfight breaks out*
Matt: By the way, that bothers me. How do a male and female DNA digivolve together? I mean, what is the end result? Bisexual? Unisex?
Joe: Technically a digimon is female when it has 2 X chromosomes. It is male is it has an X and a Y chromosome.
Mimi: Why is it X and Y? Why not M and I, for example?
Joe: Shut up. Therefore, the end result of Aquillamon and Gatomon would have 3 X chromosomes and 1 Y chromosome.
Kari: So the Y makes it a guy.
Joe: NO! X chromosomes have more genes on them than Y chromosomes, so they would overpower them, making it a female.
All: ???????
Kari: OK then.
Yolei: Matt’s my partner.
Kari: No Matt, I’M your partner. Remember the dance routine??
*catfight*
Tai: KARI! Where did you learn that kind of behavior?
Matt: Shut up Tai, you sound like Cody.
Tai: Quit hitting on my sister!! (TK licks Tai on the face)
Matt: Don’t hit on my little brother! You make-up wearing, gullible, curly haired freak! *fight starts*
Tai: At least I don’t wear the same outfit every day. *swing and miss*
Matt: YES YOU DO! *splits Tai’s lip*
(Cody is huddled in the corner, frantically figuring out the probability of ending up with Evil Ken)
Nat: Snowflake, kindly separate them.
Snowflake: Oui, of course. (He becomes Batpig, then flies around the room separating children. Tai has a black eye, split lip, and badly messed up curls. Matt is untouched. Batpig reverts to Snowflake)
Nat: And now Team #5 is TK and…
(Cody bites his lip)
Nat: … … …
(Cody begins rocking back and forth)
Nat: … … …
(Cody begins going criminally insane)
Nat: … … …
Cody: OH JUST SAY THE BLOODY NAME!
Nat: Davis.
Cody: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! I refuse to be stuck with that backstabbing, spire spitting evil maniac Ken! He’s evil! If my grandfather found out I was hanging out with lowlifes like this he’d be SO disappointed!
Nat: Shut up or we’ll call up Grandpappy right now and tell him you were fighting and are now throwing a temper tantrum.
Cody: No! Please! I’ll be good!
(Meanwhile, TK is trying to climb into Davis’ lap and lick him)
Davis: How can Kari possibly find you more attractive than me?!
Kari: Um, when have I ever said that?
Davis: YOU PERVERT!
(Davis slaps TK across the face. TK brings up his hands to protect himself. Davis whacks his arm and the white ring falls off. TK blinks a few times and looks around.)
TK: Please tell me I’m only dreaming that I’m sitting in Davis’ lap in a studio surrounded by cameras.
Davis: *shoves him off* Nope.
TK: UGH!
Davis: My thoughts exactly.
Tai: Careful Davis, you’ll strike up the Daikeru again.
Yolei: I’m TELLING you, Daiken is the way to go. I heard the proof of the synchronized beating hearts myself! And whenever Ken’s in trouble, who’s the first one to go run and save him?
Tai: Shut up little girl, or I’ll rerouse the Milei myth. Besides, I thought you had a crush on Ken.
Mimi: QUIET! *thwacks him* Besides, I can reel off Taito, Jyoushiro, Daikeru, and Yora and I bet they’re all right.
Yolei: Yora is not a word. Or a term.
Matt: TAITO! IS! A! ******! INVENTION! OF! THE! PRESS!!!
Nat: My finger is two inches away from the shock button.
(angry insults change to icy glares)
Kari: Anyway TK, you’ll be glad to hear we aren’t on Interview Lady’s show.
TK: What the hell? Then why are we in the same building?
Kari: Oh, this is Natalie. We’re on Princess Goddess Nat’s Game Show Slash Interview Hour.
TK: I don’t like the word "interview". I don’t like shows, I don’t like hours, I don’t like Nat, I don’t like slash [fics], and I hate all princesses and goddesses. And games.
Matt: You hate EVERY word in the whole bloody language.
TK: UNTRUE!
Matt: I’ll prove it. "Father"
TK: That bloody IDIOT…likes you better than me…
Matt: See. And I know why. Dad makes you feel inadequate since he chose me over you, making you seem like Mama’s boy. Which you are.
TK: *sob* You’re right. I’M A FAILURE!
Matt: *arrogant* I’m always right.
Kari: A-HEM - TK, do you even care where Interview Lady is?
TK: No.
Kari: She’s over there bound and gagged in the corner. And Snowflake is now working for Nat.
TK: TOKOMON?? WHERE?? I need to give him one of these white rings so he’ll be my friend.
Cody: Hey let me see that. Wait, this is just one of Ken’s dark rings painted white. I knew he was a fraud.
Nat: Now, now, we mustn’t go accusing our teammates like that.
Cody: Don’t remind me.
Nat: It’s now time to start the game. Everyone, please enter the appropriate boxes. (everyone goes into the booths, which look a lot like hockey penalty booths only fenced in w/ plexiglass. Once they are inside, Nat bolts it from the outside. In the booths, there is a table with a buzzer on either side.)
Cody: Stay on your side, Ken!
Ken: Shut up Barbie.
Cody: Grrrrrr.
Kari: My Matt! *pulls his arm*
Yolei: My Matt! *pulls his other arm*
Nat: Perhaps I should explain something about the boxes you’re in. Now that you are locked in, you can only come out when the game is over or when I say so. Most likely it will be the former.
Tai: The former what? President of the United States?
Matt: Man, he was a sucky president. Hey, did you hear? "Bill Clinton pardoned Hannibal!"
Nat: Are you SURE you aren’t Japanese aliens living in the U.S.?
(the squabbling over Clinton’s greatest fault of all time continues)
HEY! Hey! Look above you.
(everyone slowly looks up. In its own glass container, above each booth sits a maniacal Pikachu)
Wrong answers and bad behavior will be dealt with in the form of painful electrical shock.
(everyone shuts up)
Now, the rules of this game are simple. The board has 6 categories with 4 questions each. 1 person picks a category and question. I read the question, and the first person to hits the buzzer has a chance to answer. If you get it right, you win points and if you get it wrong, both partners are zapped and another person can answer.
Kari: So, um, what’s the point of answering at all? We don’t win anything, might as well avoid pain.
Nat: You don’t wanna know the consequences of deliberately not participating.
Kari: I wanna know.
Nat: You DON’T wanna know.
Tai: Didn’t IL and Kari already have this conversation over Scully and broken protocol? Oooh, someone can’t come up with new material…
Nat: Here’s the consequence. *zaps Kari, Yolei, Matt…and Tai and Mimi*
Kari: OW!!
Mimi: *hits Tai* YOU DORK! MY HAIR IS RUINED!
Tai: ABUSE!
Matt: *raises hand*
Nat: Yes Matt?
Matt: That was cruel and unusual punishment. Also, there are only 2 buzzers in here.
Nat: You’ll just have to hit the table.
Matt: I don’t believe this!
Yolei: Oh it’s ok Matt, you can share my buzzer. *snakes arm around his waist*
Kari: Sneaky little….
Nat: Ah-ah! (both stop)
Hm, they learn well…like hamsters, they respond to pain.
(In the next booth over, Davis and TK are drooling, faces pressed against the window)
TK: She’s pretty when she’s mad.
Davis: You idiot, she’s in there drooling over your brother. Are you gonna take that lying down?
TK: Hell no! (Davis snickers as TK scrambles up the side of the booth to beat up his big brother when he gets zapped and falls back down. Davis then pauses and considers that while Kari may not be drooling over his non-existent brother, she’s also not drooling over him.)
Davis: You idiot. You’re so stupid. I’LL do it. *attempts to climb over the glass too*
OWWWWWWWW!!
TK: You’re calling me the idiot?
Davis: Oh, I’m sorry.
TK: That’s better.
Davis: I meant "moron". *takes out the pocket dictionary he plucked from Ken’s bag earlier* A feeble-minded person who has a potential mental age of between 8 and 12 years and is capable of doing work under supervision.
Cody: *mutters* I heard them say that on "Dark Angel".
Ken: Not that I ever watch TV, but you guys seem to know every show that is on any given US TV station. Do you stare at it like 18 hours a day?
Cody: 4 hours of American television a day between the ages of 3 and 6 helped me learn English.
Ken: You’re sure it wasn’t the presence of your no-account L.A. police officer daddy?
Cody: HE WAS NOT FROM L.A.!! What does L.A. mean?
Izzy: Do you mean to tell me you don’t know it stands for Los Angeles?
Cody: What does that mean?!?!
Izzy: Literally, "The Angels" in Spanish…IDIOT.
Davis: *pipes up* "Idiot. A feeble-minded person having a mental age not exceeding 3 years and requiring complete custodial care." Now can we stop this stupid babbling?
Nat: Why Davis, are you volunteering to go first?
Davis: NO, no um…
TK: Pick a question, Davis, or the PIKACHU will get you.
Davis: No, no, not the Pikachu! I’ll pick, I’ll pick. What are the categories?
Nat: Perfect nonsense, hard questions, harder questions, really hard questions, kindergarden questions, and Digiworld History.
Davis: "Digiworld History"?! NO that’s not what I pick.
Nat: I’m sorry, you’ll have to take it.
Davis: Bit-*gets shocked* OW! What gives?
Nat: No swearing allowed in the booths.
Davis: (apparently functioning at idiot level) You F****OWOWOWOWdam*****OWOWOW!
TK: *disdainfully pushes him aside* We don’t know. Now we pick Perfect Nonsense.
Nat: Oh, ok, since it’s the first one. But no more switching.
"WHAT - is the fabric of our lives?"
Mimi: OOH! SILK!
Yolei: Satin! I mean velvet! No wait, satin!
(Matt shudders)
Nat: You stupid children, that’s why we have BUZZERS. You push *that* button and THEN you say the answer.
(Izzy smacks the button)
Izzy: (who is smarter than Davis and needs no dictionary) "A highly fibrous substance, white in color, produced by various plants of the mallow family."
Nat: No, I’m sorry.
Izzy: WHAT?!
Joe: You IDIOT! It’s supposed to be in the form of a QUESTION. *smacks him*
Izzy: You insolent half-genius, have you forgotten that all tremble before my wrath when they have angered me? Have you not seen the damage I inflict in the form of gashes, welts and black eyes?
Joe: Yes, I have. Pipsqueak.
Izzy: You’re gonna regret that. *rolls up sleeves and coughs*
Joe: O crap.
(Izzy proceeds to beat Joe to a bloody pulp. Instantly, they are engulfed in a cloud of dust. The only sounds are of Izzy constantly pummeling Joe as the very foundations of the booths shake)
Nat: Tsk, tsk, tsk.
(thundershock sets off again. As the dust clears, we see Izzy is a little frazzled from the electrical jolt but is otherwise untouched. Joe’s face, however, is filled with cuts and bruises)
Joe: Ouch - from the electricity. Ouch - from the beating.
Tai: HAHA, Joe got beat up like a girl!
Kari: Tai. Girls do not get beat up. The phrase is "got beat up BY a girl." Which also has not happened here.
Izzy: All right now, what - EXACTLY - was wrong with my answer?
Nat: This is like Jeopardy. You answer in the form of a question.
Izzy: But you asked a question. Why the hell would I answer a question with a question?
Nat: (mumbling) He’s too smart…smarter than he was last time, we’ll have to deal with him. (louder) Because I said so!
Tai: *snort* You aren’t God.
Nat: No, I’m the Goddess. So shut up, or I’ll inflict electrical shock. Again.
UNLIT CORNER
(As various stupid comments fly, a shadow slinks from the dark to the ignored form of Interview Lady. Light glints off razor sharp claws that slice through the gag. As the gag falls, we catch sight of a gloveless white paw and finally the whole form of…)
IL: Gatomon???
Gatomon: (obviously just regaining sanity, speech still fuzzy) Me - you - alike. Defeat Princess Goddess.
IL: OK! I never knew you were such a neat kitty.
Gatomon: Then rip brain out. Feast upon Natalie the Destroyer. Dance around fire with scalp. Appease gods.
IL: Umm…we’ll work on the second part. But why are you helping me?
Gatomon: Pink devil. Run around chasing High Cat many times. We kill Satan.
IL: Snowflake? Well, we’ll get him…I don’t know about kill. And when did you become High Cat?
FULL ROOM
Nat: Hey, what’s going on in that dark corner which I should probably light up?
Tai: Hey, look, Interview Lady’s gag is off!
IL: I just wanted to ask why things are moving so slowly and also do you think maybe you could replace these chains with rope?
Nat: NO! *shoves the gag back on* Now we will continue with our story. And if you bother me again, I shall hang you by your thumbs!
Joe: Ahh, a good old fashioned lynching.
Izzy: *mutters* "Second smartest of the group," my butt.
Yolei: I want lunch. We haven’t eaten in like 30 hours.
Nat: Oh it has not been- *checks watch* Actually, it’s been 39 hours. Can people really live that long without food or drink? I mean, I know you’re disturbed, psychopathic, animated people, but still…
Then again, you’ve been known to go months without changing your clothes.
Mimi: Hey, weren’t you paying attention during the first Interview Lady show? We TOLD you we simply had multiple copies of the same outfit.
Yolei: What about lunch?
Ken: Technically, you can go 3 days without water and 30 days without food.
Izzy: Hey! Hey! Only I am allowed to spew facts like that. You aren’t allowed to be a genius. I am the only genius here.
Ken: Really? Then how come I got to be on Battle Of The Japanese Child Geniuses? And got a news interview on the Genius Parade?
(Izzy scowls)
Ken: Oh yeah, and I created a fantastic computer program that got me into the Digiworld. I write computer programs and solve complex math problems for fun. I mastered chess, 3-D chess, and Donkey Madness. AND I invented dishes that clean themselves. What have YOU invented lately, genius?
(Izzy gets purple with rage)
Ken: Not to mention dark rings, white rings, dark spirals, control spires, a big ole fierce digimon…
Izzy: *pulls out a super high intensity pocket laser and cuts through the walls* THE HUMAN MACE! *flies at Ken, arms and legs flailing. Ken is powerless and so gets beaten into a quivering mass of jelly within seconds* By the way Ken, I hacked my way all through the U.S. Government and busied myself creating nuclear weapons.
Nat: Hey! You’re supposed to be in SEPARATE boxes! That’s the idea behind the boxes, you can only maul your partner.
Yolei: I WANT LUNH!
Joe: (to Sora) See, I told you he hacked into secret files. *realizes Sora isn’t there* Um…
Snowflake: Why does it take 20 minutes to answer a yes-or-no question around here?!
Nat: Patience, my pretty. Soon we will have them under our control. A few more hours and they will all be driven insane.
Snowflake: Are you sure? This isn’t gonna be one of those cartoon scenarios where the evil geniuses have a fail-proof plan but the good guys impossibly win anyway just because they’re good?
Nat: Of course I’m sure it won’t be one of those times. I’m Princess Goddess Nat, after all.
Snowflake: Fine, but you better be right. OK, now it’s time for lunch.
Yolei: Yahoo! "Perfecto."
Snowflake: We’re going to have a picnic.
Mimi: We cannot have a picnic. I’ll get grass stains on my skirt and there will be DIRT under my nails and probably ANTS!
Matt: Oh shut up, we’re having a picnic. And everyone wonders why I never said anything to you in 01.
Mimi: Hm, on our respective careers of being a rock star and modeling, WHO is actually successful? Oh, it is so all me. Oh, by the way, "Franzosen können meinen perligen weißen Esel saugen."
Matt: I wouldn’t be talking, ya spit-spraying slutty wig-wearing German speaking *****! And I understood that, so "L’allemand peuvent se noyer dans la perte d'un chien français."
Mimi: French sucks!
Matt: German sucks!
Mimi: You of all people taking that girly language.
Matt: Girls love it when you speak French. They think it’s romantic.
Mimi: I’m a girl, and I don’t think so.
Matt: Well, I doubt you’re a girl. Anyway, French is like the 3rd world language. They even speak it in places like Canada and parts of Louisiana like New Orleans! Also all the special islands with the sun and big coconuts.
Mimi: You pervert.
Matt: I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you. Bee-atch!
Mimi: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me. Arsehole!
Nat: See, their minds deteriorate quickly. They are returning to their basic childish, Kindergarten selves.
Snowflake: I guess.
Nat: Would your energy level boost if I gave you some catnip?
Snowflake: Hell yeah!
Nat; Come on children. We’re going outside. (everyone leaves)
UNLIT CORNER
IL: Mmph! Mmph! *Gatomon slices the gag off again*
They’re going outside now! Let me out!
Gatomon: Look. *holds out paw, which contains Izzy’s laser* Me good - pick pocket of Large Fighting Boy.
IL: A world class cat burglar. *Gatomon burns off the chains* Come on. Those two are up to no good. Help me look for evidence of their evil plot.
*opens up some drawers*
Hm, Nat’s part of the council on Official Horse Coat Color Genetics…wow, she owns a secret ranch with 20-odd horses…this isn’t evil yet. Now this is interesting…a letter from Izzy asking her to draw hentai art of Taito to post as proof…but still not evil. Her bill for Pretty Colors items last month was $5,240… says here she failed gym in 9th grade, good reference but not evidence. Dangit, where is her evidence of evil plots?!?!
Gatomon: Me find. (Gatomon holds up a book)
IL: Let me see. Ooh. The Secret Evil Plots Of Natalie: or, How I Will Destroy Interview Lady and Drive The Digi Destined Insane. Time to involve the police.
(She grabs the phone, only to hear a door opening. IL quickly hangs up, whips everything back into the drawers and dives out the back door in escape just as Natalie comes back in)
Nat: Can’t forget the Pretty Colors vodka…just in case things get boring.
OUTSIDE, EATING LUNCH
Matt: German is stupid.
Mimi: French is stupid.
Nat: You know, I speak French.
Matt: Yeah you’re right, French is stupid.
Yolei: What are we gonna eat?
Nat: Potato salad.
Yolei: Yuck.
Sora: NO! That hurts plants! You potato killer!
Nat: Sora, so glad you could join us for lunch. Feeling better?
Sora: No, my heart aches for the poor little plants so mercilessly slaughtered. You see, I am a FRUITARIAN.
Matt: And just what is that?
Sora: Oh, we believe fruits and vegetables have feeling - cooking is cruel.
Matt: Uh, right.
Cody: So I guess you won’t be having any apple pie?
Sora: *sobs more* Of course not!
TK: Rrrr, would you SHUT UP about the sodding plants?!
Nat: AGAIN, I MUST ask why you use so many British phrases.
Cody: *mumbling* I knew he wasn’t over his angry side yet. DNA digivolving with him now officially SUCKS. The Winged Teapot Buddha is not a normal product of nature.
Sora: Mimi, your own digimon is a plant! How could you not feel for the poor things?
Mimi: *looks up from her bowl of potato salad, small piece clinging to her face* Hm?
Sora: UGH! OH THE HUMANITY!
TK: Dude, that is so my line. I can’t use it anymore because Judge Judy and Mr. Doggett said so. But still!
Sora: Well excuse me, Mr. KING OF THE WORLD.
TK: Grr…*flies through the air to attack her*
~*5 minutes, lots of other stuff, and a kendo stick later*~
Sora: (with another broken leg) Nooo. Not back to Madame Pomfrey! She’s not using any magic to cure me! *she is dragged off away*
Meanwhile…
Izzy: It was right. My answer was SO right. We should have gotten those points.
Joe: Well maybe if you’d paid more attention to the rules!
Izzy: Shut up, at least I knew it!
Joe: I knew too; I was about to hit the buzzer but you have too much practice slapping buttons, you computer geek.
Izzy: You animal-hacking…animal hater!
Joe: Oh so now you’re like a member of PETA? Not such a techno-nerd anymore? *grabs Izzy’s computer and runs off, the cord flapping in the wind*
Izzy: Bring that back! Tentomon, go get him.
Joe: No fair! I dissected my digimon, you can’t have the advantage!
Izzy: Eh, I only keep him around because his electro-shock powers my computer.
Tentomon: Is that true?? *zaps them both and flies off crying* And I thought he was such a good boy…
Izzy: Stupid back-stabbing deserter. *takes out anger on Joe*
Joe: OUCH! Quit punching me. *attacks Izzy w/ scalpel* *Izzy hits him with a stick - like the kind that grow on trees*
Nat: See Snowflake? They are using primitive weapons already.
Snowflake: Is that a good thing?
Nat: Oh yeah.
Izzy: *performs a bloodcurdling Xena attack scream as he flies through the air, battling mightily with what appear to be dozens of sticks but is really just one*
HAH! HAH! Who’s the ultimate warrior??
Joe: You…are…
Izzy: Yes I am. *hits him one more time to be certain, then kicks him aside and calmly bites into a chicken wing while everyone else stares at him*
Nat: Well, um, I think we’ll just cart Joe off now before Izzy beats him up again. Snowflake, be sure you bring him back before lunch ends.
Snowflake: Oui. (to Joe) I am going to subject you to the most horrendous experiments…
Joe: Eep.
*lunch continues, scarily uneventful until dessert*
Yolei: Yummy! I never thought I could eat a whole bucket of fried chicken and two buckets of coleslaw AND three hot dogs! What’s for dessert?
Ken: Your metabolism is shocking. May I dissect you to see how it works?
Joe: Look Ken, we can’t ALL be world class scientists. Give it up, that position is filled.
Ken: But I waaaaaaaaaant it!
Nat: Well, um, there’s two cakes-
Yolei: Woo! I call the chocolate one. *digs her hands into the cake and proceeds to gobble it like Garfield*
Kari: Eww…
Nat: Whoa. Now, there’s also a carrot cake TO SHARE, a lemon meringue pie, 2 batches of brownies, and a plate of cookies.
Izzy: I’ll take a brownie, if CERTAIN people *glares at newbies* promise not to crush them.
Kari: Can I have some pie?
Tai: Stop saying dirty things!
Kari: You get too many ideas from that trash show "Titus".
Matt: Yeah Tai. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Tai: But…
Yolei: *grinning evilly* Here Kari.
(Kari turns, and Yolei shoves the whole pie over her face. Dead silence for a second as Kari stands in shock, dessert oozing down her face. Then…)
Kari: DIE!!!!!! (Kari leaps on Yolei and begins tearing at her hair, smearing more pie around and ripping her sleeve. Davis grabs the plate of cookies and throws them at both girls, jumping up and down and hooting like a monkey)
Why do you always wear that stupid hat thing? Are you afraid the sun will bleach out the purple?! *yanks it off and throws it in the stream*
TK: Since when was there a stream there?
Matt: Always, dimwit.
(Kari and Yolei keep fighting until Snowflake jumps in the middle and snaps at them)
Snowflake: NO more fighting, or I’ll have to strap you both into Spotnitz Straitjackets!
Nat: Yeah, Spotnitz is this sadistic little man who lines his straitjackets with porcupine quills. Very painful.
(Yolei huffily shoves Kari. Kari kicks her one last time out of spite, then they stalk off to opposite ends of the blanket. In stony silence everyone eats dessert.)
LATER…
Davis: *brightly* I know what we should do! How about a limbo contest?
Matt: How ‘bout not?
Snowflake: *thinks* When they play limbo there is certain to be fighting. All in favor of a limbo contest, raise your hand. (Davis shoots his hand up. Snowflake bares his teeth, and everyone except Matt raises their hand. Snowflake growls and gnashes his teeth, and Matt raises his hand…or rather, his finger)
Nat: OK! Then it’s settled, we’ll play limbo before we go back in. Now all we need is music and a limbo stick.
Matt: You’re actually ADVOCATING this?!
Davis: Let’s use one of those Kendo sticks that magically appear everywhere. (everybody looks around, but there are none to be found) What the - but they’re everywhere! Hey…
(everyone looks at Cody. He is sitting beneath a tree, wearing a smirk on his normally blank face)
Davis: Where are they??
Cody: I am sorry, Digi Destined Davis. I am afraid I cannot allow you to use the sacred Kendo sticks for your little game.
Davis: *grabs him by the collar* Oh yeah? Well I’m afraid I’ll have to PUNCH YOUR FACE OFF if you don’t gimme them right now, pipsqueak!
(Cody only smiles the same infuriatingly calm smile)
Cody: Please control your negative emotions, Davis. The Kendo Stick has been handed down through many generations. It is a sacred art form and must be treated with utmost respect. Thus, I have hidden them all in a carefully selected place, in complete secrecy-
TK: Found ’em! (he points to the tree, where at least a hundred sticks are lodged in the branches)
Cody: F&!%*#*@$#@!^!%$#!
TK: Help me get them down. (he kicks the tree in vain, then gets an idea) I know, I’ll throw my shoe up there! (soon, everybody except Matt and Cody are hurling their shoes up at the tree)
Cody: *mutters* They’re stealing that idea from a car commercial.
(Just then, Kari’s shoe hits the trigger branch and a wave of wooden sticks come crashing down on Cody, knocking him unconscious)
Davis: Woohoo! Lim-BO, lim-BO! Look, I even have a boom box and a CD all ready to play! *pushes "play"* *music bursts from speakers*
"I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST, LIKE NO ONE EVER WAS!/TO CATCH THEM IS MY REAL QUEST, TO TRAIN THEM IS MY CAUSE…"
TK: Hey, dude, I heard that song once…
"I WILL TRAVEL ACROSS THE LAND, SEARCHING FAR AND WIDE…PO-"
*Matt turns it off*
Matt: You idiots, that’s the theme song of the EVIL PIKACHU!
TK: AHHH!
Mimi: Eeeeeh!
Tai: Save meeeeee!
Davis: Why is everyone screaming? What’s a Pikachu?
Kari: Those creepy yellow rats that were shocking us.
Davis: [emoticon --->] O.o
Izzy: OK people, let’s not panic…as long as we don’t draw attention to ourselves… DAVIS NO!
(too late, Davis has giddily turned the music on again, and turned the volume up even higher)
"-OKEMON TO UNDERSTAND, THE POWER THAT’S INSIDE…"
Tai: Umm…Matt? We have a slight problem. *points up the hill*
Matt: What? Aw man…(A small yellow rat has appeared on the hilltop, happily running towards them)
OK, girls and small children, this could get ugly.
Tai: No, um, look BEHIND the Pikachu. (behind the pokémon, a spiky-haired girl is skipping and singing, now waving enthusiastically*
Matt: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!! *runs away at top speed* *too late, the girl has thrown her arms around his waist and knocked him down*
Jun: HIYA MATT!
Matt: Get it off me, get it off me!
Jun: Tee-hee, I love you.
Matt: She sounds rabid…shoot her! JUST SHOOT HER!
Izzy: Umm…isn’t Jun, I dunno, DEAD?
Matt: …allegedly.
Kari: But you regaled us with your brave tale "Knocking Jun Over The Head"!
Matt: Well, I thought she was dead. *to Jun* Anyway, can’t you take a hint? I avoid you like the plague. You had to force me to go on the date I was tricked into. Half the world believes I’m in love with your little brother’s idol. And now I’ve beaten you over the head with a club.
Jun: *giggles* Oh, that was just a silly mistake. You must have been so excited to have me in your band that you accidentally hit me. It’s okay, I forgive you.
Matt: She won’t be insulted! She’s some kind of superfreak!
Davis: Hey Matt, I don’t mean to alarm you, but this Pikachu is running amok and has chased me up a tree.
Matt: I’m not alarmed.
Jun: Ooh, he likes me AND he hates Davis. I so hit the jackpot.
Matt: On second thought…don’t worry Davis, I’ll save you!
(big and tough, Matt grabs one of the Kendo sticks and tosses it from hand to hand, crouching in a fighting stance before the rodent. It all very closely resembles the face-off between George and the lion in "George Of The Jungle")
Yolei: Ooh, he’s so strong.
Kari: And brave.
Yolei: And perfect…good thing he’s mine.
Kari: He is not yours. He’s mine.
Yolei: MINE!
Kari: Yeah, that’s right, MINE!
(Matt, meanwhile, is circling the Pikachu, trying to fake him out)
Matt: You’re gonna be sorry, you little weasel.
Pikachu: Chu, chu, pika pika chu chu!
Matt: Shut yo skanky mouth!
Pikachu: Pika-CHU!
*gets ready to shock him*
Matt: Look over there!
Pikachu: Chu? *looks*
Matt: HAH! *whacks it over the head, where it slumps to the ground* "Hasta la vista, baby."
Mimi: I thought you spoke French.
Kari: Who cares, the important thing is that he killed the Pikachu!
Tai: Wait, is this gonna be like the Jun case where it gets hit on the head but turns out to be not dead?
Joe: Hey, if you wanna be CERTAIN, let me dissect it.
Ken: No fair! I wanna dissect it!
Joe: It’s my right!
Ken: But you already dissected a bunch of digimon. Let me dissect the Pocket Monster.
Joe: NO!
Nat: ENOUGH. Nobody shall dissect the Pikachu. I will lock it up and sell it to a private menagerie.
Davis: Do we get some of the money?
Nat: Maybe.
Davis: OK then, I have only one more question:
WHEN DO WE GET TO LIMBO??????
Jun: Limbo-ing is so cool. Ick, wait, are YOU gonna do it too?
Nat: Aww…it’s family hour. Matt and TK, Tai and Kari, Jun and Davis, Ken and the Ghost Of Sam-Sam…
Ken: *glares*
Davis: I WANNA LIMBO! NOW!
Matt: *ignores him* OK, Jun, what exactly are you doing here?
Jun: Oh, Davis called and asked me to bring him lunch. But it looks like you already ate. *glances at picnic remnants and pouts* Did you guys have a food fight or something?
Davis: Sorta.
Kari: That ***** Yolei shoved a pie over my face!
TK: How did you get here so fast from Japan anyhow? Davis only called you like an hour ago.
Jun: Oh, that was umm…the time zone difference. Yeah.
Hey, that cute little mouse-thing started following me! Do you think it’s a digimon? *gasp* Am I a Digi Destined????
Matt: *snorts* I think NOT.
Mimi: Say Jun, where DID you get that…interesting shirt?
Jun: You like it? I have all the cute boys sign it.
Davis: Why haven’t I signed it??
Jun: YUCK! Anyway, I never wash it in case the signatures fade.
Mimi: *stares*
Jun: I don’t wash my bra either. Bill Clinton signed the strap for me.
*awkward silence*
Mimi: Well, I’m pretty sure that qualifies as Clinton’s greatest mistake of all time.
Matt: Ew!
Tai: That was WAY more than I needed to know.
Izzy: And people complain about me looking at hentai!
Ken: You are a SICK fan-girl.
Davis: *stupidly giddy* Let’s play limbo!
Snowflake: *to Nat* Wouldn’t it be a lot faster just to slap some dark rings on them?
Nat: Nah, too easily broken. Plus this will be more damaging - years in a mental hospital won’t heal them!
JUST OFF THE BLANKET
Davis: But we need it!
Cody: NO! *both are tugging at the end of a Kendo stick*
Matt: Big deal, limbo is lame anyway.
Yolei: Cool, I don’t wanna play limbo either. Instead of playing, how about we just sit over there and talk to each other?
Matt: *pause* … I’m gonna come play limbo with you guys! *grabs the Kendo stick and hits Cody over the head with it* Come on!
Davis: *turns on NICE music* Do the LIM-bo, do the LIM-bo!
Kari: *to Yolei* You are a Bim-Bo, you are a Bim-Bo!
(Yolei tackles her and the two spend several minutes in a hair-pulling, name calling, eye clawing catfight)
(everone else lines up. Cody is holding on end of the stick, Ken has the other)
Cody: I don’t BELIEVE I am doing this.
Ken: Raise your side up, Shorty.
Cody: I can’t, I’m too short.
Ken: You can! Stand on your toes.
Cody: You bring it down!
Ken: No!
Cody: Yes! (Ken kicks him, between limbo-ers)
(What follows next sets off a huge chain of events. Cody tries to kick him back, but fails because his legs are too short. Kari has stopped fighting w/ Yolei and is going under the stick just as Cody drops it on her nose and she falls in a patch of mud. As she gets up to tackle Cody, Ken tries to kick him again, but ends up tripping Davis. Davis falls on top of Kari, and they go rolling in the mud. Jun stops to avoid falling, and Matt bumps into her and they too go rolling in the mud.)
Snowflake: (to Nat) Watch this. *pushes Joe, the last person in line and starts a domino effect*
Kari: (to Cody) You dropped it on MY PERFECT FACE!
Davis: You evil emperor-type-dude, YA TRIPPED ME!
Jun: (from under Matt) Oooh, Matt I knew you loved me.
Matt: *shoves her away as hard as he can* Yuck, as if.
Izzy: Joe, you stupid idiot. You got mud on my computer. It will take me hours to clean it!
Joe: I only got the "Z" dirty. How often can you possibly use that key?
Izzy: Gee I dunno…only twice every freakin’ time I type my name?!
Joe: *counts on fingers* Oh yeah.
(Even more useless arguments break out everywhere. Soon there’s an all-out, 11-way Digi Destined mud wrestling, Kendo sticking war)
Nat: EXCUSE ME! *everyone stops and looks up* It is now time to go back inside. You may resume killing each other when we are inside the studio again.
Davis: LET’S MAKE A BREAK FOR IT! *tries to run off*
*guards grab him and drag him back * Dang it.
Nat: *hands the guards electric cattle prods* See what they have now? Nobody else tries to run, ok?
(everyone glares)
Kari: Fine. *shivers* I'm cold. Why did we have a picnic in the winter anyway?
Nat; Merely to prove how easily you children forget things.
Kari: Are you saying I have a bad memory?
Nat: What’s my middle name?
Kari: How should I know?
Nat: Why don’t you ask me?
Izzy: Why are you answering questions with (stupid) questions??
Joe: Is the pope Lutheran?
Mimi: Nah, he must be a Methodist. I mean Buddhist. One of those "Isty" people.
Joe: Methinks you lie.
Mimi: "Methinks?"
Joe: Anyway, what are you?
Mimi: Athy...athie…eighty…
Joe: Athiest?
Mimi: Yeah, that’s it.
Cody: WHAT?! Not worshipping the sacred Buddha is horrible enough, but not to have ANY direction to guide your soul…
Mimi: Why not?
Cody: OH MY POOR SOUL! *sings* Who will, sa-ee-ave my soul?
Kari: HEY! YOU’RE SINGING A COPYRIGHTED SONG AND CHANGING THE WORDS AND NOT TELLING ANYONE!
Cody: AM NOT!
Kari: Yeah-huh, it’s a song by Jewel.
Cody: *grabs his book of copyrights* Oh crap…
Davis: You’re a bad child. And you know what else? I didn’t see you praying 5 times a day toward the direction of Mecca while we were in the Digiworld.
Cody: (ashamed) I know, I’m working on it. (Izzy thinks about correcting him, then shrugs)
Davis: HAH! I should tell your grandfather.
Cody: No, please don’t do that.
Snowflake: Come on now, you heard P.G. Nat. Back to the studio! *nips at their heels like a cattle dog, driving*
[a/n: IT IS RECOMMENDED THAT YOU TAKE A BREAK NOW TO SAVE YOUR EYESIGHT. THE STORY WILL STILL BE HERE WHEN YOU COME BACK.]
BACK INSIDE THE STUDIO
Nat: Now! Back into your booths! Vite, vite (quickly, quickly!)!
*everyone shuffles*
Oh, Matt? You and Jun can be partners now.
Matt: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Jun: Oh goody! I know lots of stuff, Mattsy, we’re gonna win!
Matt: Will you STOP calling me "Mattsy"???
(Kari and Yolei whisper something to each other, count to three, and then jump on Jun and attempt to rip her apart. Matt studies them for a second and then joins in [apparently hoping his long hair will disguise him as a girl too].)
Mimi: Go, go, go! *joins in*
Nat: Hey Snowflake, we have a little situation.
Snowflake: Oh good.
"Snowflake, evil-volve to…RABID BATPIG!" *flies around and hauls everyone into their booths, the locks the doors again*
Matt: NO! Please! I’ll give you anything! Money…drugs…a new whip…
Tai: NO you fool, don’t say that!
Nat: You can’t make Pretty Colors drugs. And watching Jun hug you is more rewarding than money.
Matt: Pleeeeassse? How about if I write you a song? I’m really close to it. Our band has a chorus figured out. It goes "We will, we will, PUNCH YOU!"
Cody: Hey, that’s a copyrighted song! It’s right here on page 7 thousand 3 hund - *ZZZAAAAAPPP* (Pikachus electrocute him and Ken).
Ken: You stupid *ZZZZAAAAPP*
Nat: Oh yes, we added a new rule. No being a smart aleck in the booths. Now, onto the next question. Since nobody got the first one right, Izzy can pick.
Izzy: YES! I say Really Hard Questions for 100 (groans from everyone).
Nat: This color is made from red and blue.
Izzy: WHAT?!
Mimi: OhOh! *raises hand and jumps up and down*
Joe: *reaches for the buzzer* *Izzy pulls him away* No! My question! I wanna push the button! *wrestling*
Tai: *to Mimi* Stop jumping and push the buzzer!
Mimi: Oh yeah. *whacks the buzzer*
*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Nat: OK, Mimi.
*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Tai: Let go of the button!.
Mimi: Red and blue make…*drumroll* PURPLE!
*Tai and Mimi get zapped*
Mimi: That was right.
Kari: *presses the button* What is the color purple?
Nat: Yay, 100 points to Kari and Yolei!
Yolei: Woohoo, just like my favorite book!
(K & Y high five, then look at their hands and wipe them off)
Matt: Don’t people usually win money on this show? I’m SURE that’s what happened on the American Game Show channel.
Snowflake: Ah, but this is not Jeopardy. It is the game show of Princess Goddess Nat.
Izzy: Which reminds me. That title makes no sense. It’s like saying "Cat Dog Fluffy," or something.
Snowflake: Fluffy is neither cat nor dog!
Izzy: I’m well aware that it most closely resembles a vicious gerbil.
Snowflake: Anyway, it makes perfect sense. She is a goddess, thus her name is Goddess Nat, and she is also a princess. Just as you would say Princess Elizabeth - *gets cut off as Ken starts muttering facts from his hunched position*
Ken: Princess Elizabeth Tudor I, who became the Virgin Queen of England, born September 7, 1533 in Richfield Palace to King Henry VIII (who once ordered all horses below 14.2hh put to death and thus nearly wiped out the Welsh Pony) and Anne Boleyn (later beheaded on counts of incest, treason and adultery). Labeled a bastard and stripped of her title, and thrown in the Tower once, but ultimately, becoming one of England’s greatest rulers. Ended the Tudor line because she had no children. Remembered for her defeat of the Spanish Armada -
Cody: *slaps him* We are NOT talking about Queen Elizabeth, you dolt.
Tai: Which reminds me, why the hell does everyone here call everyone else dolts? Isn’t that like a British phrase?
Yolei: I learned it from Hawkmon.
Jun: I watched Notting Hill; oh it’s such a beautiful love story Matt, just like you and me! *hugs him*
Matt: Please don’t touch me.
Snowflake: AHEM. *pushes a button and EVERYBODY gets shocked*
Do NOT interrupt the Holy Tokomon. She is called Princess Goddess Nat for the same reason Princess…*thinks* Mary -
Ken: *continuing to mutter* Mary Tudor, older half-sister of Mary. Born to Henry VIII and his first wife, Catherine Of Aragon, who previously served under Isabel Of Spain, who is remembered for sending Christopher Columbus to North America. Mary was a devoted Catholic, brutally punishing Protestants (sometimes burning at the stake), becoming known as Bloody Mary. Also sent Elizabeth to the Tower once. Another Mary, this "Mary, Queen Of Scots," great crusader but ultimately beheaded -
Snowflake: SHUT UP! Now I’m not gonna explain.
Davis: *whispered* Yes!
Nat: (now bored) Now, we will pick a new category. Being mean and unfair, it is not Yolei who picks but…TK!
TK: Huuhh? What?
Davis: Have you been asleep?!
TK: No…
Davis: Well then pick, idiot.
TK: Fine. Exhibit A.
Davis: *screams* PICK A CATEGORY!
TK: I think we should have a category for earth science.
Davis: ARGH! We take "hard questions" for 300 points.
Nat: ah, good. Your question: This is the number of licks required to reach the soft center of a Tootsie Pop.
Davis: I KNOW THIS ONE! I KNEW COMMERCALS WERE GOOD FOR SOMETHING! *punches button* What is 3?
Nat: WRONG.
Davis: WTF? I said it in question form and everything.
Nat: No, you’re thinking "Lick, lick, CRUNCH."
Kari: I wonder if Sora eats artificially fruit flavored things if she’s a fruitarian?
Yolei: I bet not.
Kari: But wouldn’t it be like tofu for vegetarians?
Jun: Oh Matt, you’re so smart. *hugs him* Do you know the answer? I bet you do.
Matt: …
Jun: Oh, I love the strong and silent type.
Matt: Yuck!
Izzy: Buzz!
Nat: Izzy.
(Izzy grabs the opportunity to explain and runs with it)
Izzy: Technically, if you take a Tootsie Pop and the lick takes 1 second and the Tootsie Roll pop is one inch in diameter, or 3.14 inches in circumference, the volume would be 1.94 cubic inches. (Joe hits him, protesting "We use in metric in Japan, you …dolt!"). Now on average, a 1 second lick takes off .001 cubic inches of the sucker (the other contestants start falling asleep), so at .001 inches3 per second, the Tootise Pop will be done after 1,940 licks, on average. In other words - "What is" 1940?
Nat: Good God, you actually got it right.
Izzy: YES! I RULE!
Joe: Hey Nat, you didn’t zap Davis and TK when he said 3.
Nat: Oh, thanks for the reminder. *zaps Joe and Izzy* Oops! Wrong button. *zaps TK and Davis*
TK: *wakes up from Izzy-induced sleep* Ouch.
Davis: Thanks Joe, thanks a lot. I’ll see you outside when all this torture is over.
Joe: You young punk!
Nat: Snowflake, be ready to zap him.
Cody: Actually, "punk" isn’t a swear word so you can’t zap him. *smirks*
Nat: Damn. *zaps Ken and Cody instead* However, we just made a new rule about no being a smart aleck in the booths, remember.
Ken: I’ll teach you a lesson. (He gives Cody a whip lashing) Hi-YAH! (Everyone is amazed by Cody’s thick skin that doesn’t bleed, until he takes out a Kendo stick and they realize he is wearing a suit made of Kendo sticks)
Cody: Ho! *pokes Ken in the eye*
Ken: Oww, Mommy! *grabs face and sobs*
Tai: Dude! We just found a bigger wussy than Davis!
Davis: I am not a wussy! And to think I used to look up to YOU! *spits on the ground*
Kari: Why DID you have such an obsession with my brother?
Yolei: Why do you ask, you two have something in common or what? Then again, you and your Pyschic! side. "Oooh, I know just what Ken’s going through. Oooh, I’m being sucked into another dimension to be a queen. Oooh, my crest of light is special, just like TK’s. Oooh, I’m the coveted 8th child. Oooh, my digimon is stuck in champion form."
Kari: Stop saying "oooh"! *attacks her*
(Nat zaps them. They keep fighting. Nat zaps them again)
Kari: She started it.
Yolei: I did not!
Kari: Did too!
Yolei: Did not!
Nat; (to Snowflake) See, they are becoming more primitive already! Primitive minds are much easier to manipulate. (she pretends to push the button again, and Kari and Yolei shut up)
Nat: Now Kari gets to pick the question.
Izzy: WHY?!
Nat: I just like her better.
Kari: I want Perfect Nonsense for 300 please.
Nat: Okay. This team was predicted to win at the end of Nat’s joke about the White Sox and the Red Sox.
TK: Oooh! I remember that time! Only…crap, Sora never let her finish. KILL SORA!
Mimi: (totally naïve and thinks they are talking about "socks".) How unfashionable. Well I suppose you could put them in the wash together…then they’d turn pink! How cute.
Tai: Mimi, you’re brilliant! *rings buzzer* What is a tie?
Mimi: You couldn’t defeat two pro sports teams by yourself! They carry metal bats!
Tai: *rubs temples* Not T-A-I! T-I-E! A TIE!!
Mimi: Don’t you know bow ties are unfashionable? Neck ties are better.
Nat: It’s incorrect. *zaps them*
Yolei: (mumbling to herself) Well, if you put them in the wash together the red would stay red and white would turn pink but pink is the color of piglets and red socks are Xmas stockings which are filled with chocolates, which pigs can eat…so maybe the White Sox would be way down in the beginning but gobble them up in the second half. Aha! *rings buzzer*
Nat: Yolei?
Kari: Now don’t forget to say it like a question.
Yolei: Who are the White Sox?
Mimi: They’re a professional baseball team.
Tai: Mimi. Shut. Up.
Nat: Hm, it must be that girl-in-glasses logic we share.
Yolei: Well??
Nat: That’s right! Exactly right! 300 more points for you! That means Kari and Yolei are still in the lead with 400 points.
Izzy: How could we be losing?!
Joe: Maybe because you’re the biggest loser on the face of the planet?
Izzy: Am not! I’m a child genius!
Joe: Then how come you weren’t on Battle Of The Japanese Child Geniuses?
Izzy: BECAUSE THE SHOW IS RIGGED, THAT’S WHY! AND MY I.Q. IS 197!
Joe: *scowls* Yeah, well, I have 196.9, you know, that’s pretty damn good.
Izzy: But not as good as me.
Nat: My I.Q. is 207.
Joe: …!!!NO FREAKIN’ WAY!!!
IL: (from the corner) MnMnlamateeaw, twa huh uuhs aw eerah (My mental facilities are twice what yours are, you pea brain)!
Nat: Well, let’s move into the next question which Yolei can pick.
Izzy: I’ll have you know that I think you’re favoring that pair.
Nat: Well, duh.
Yolei: *sticks out her tongue* Kindergarden questions for 500.
Nat: Ver gute.
Matt: I thought you spoke French!
Nat: I have many talents you’ve never seen. Another one is inflicting pain for seemingly no reason.
Matt: But we’ve seen you do that.
Nat: No, I've always had a reason.
Matt: What?
Nat: *pushes a button, thus inflicting electrical shock many, many times worse than before* Now what do you have to say?
(Matt has nothing to say, as he’s blacked out on the floor)
Jun: Mattsy! Are you okay? No?? *drops down and begins CPR*
Matt: *wakes up* Ahhh! Ahhh! AHHHHHHHHHH!!
Ken: You’re not having a very good day, are you?
Matt: Does it LOOK like I’m having a very good day, you peevish transparent excuse for a human?
Ken: What’s that implying?
Matt: You’re the self-proclaimed genius, figure it out. And will someone GET this THING off of me?!
Ken: Hey, have you ever noticed Jun’s hair looks exactly like Tai’s?
Jun: IT DOES NOT.
Davis: You’re right. Do you think Tai wraps his hair up when he gets out of the shower?
Ken: 10 bucks says he does.
Davis: Kari! Does Tai wrap up his hair w/ a towel when he gets out of the shower?
Tai: NO.
Kari: Yeah, why?
Ken: Woo! Pay up Davis!
Davis: I want proof.
Kari: Will these pictures do? *holds them up*
Davis: Ooh, $10 is worth it to see photos like that!
Tai: *banging fists futilely at the glass* Noooooo!
Davis: What a coincidence, I have pictures of Jun. Let’s compare.
Jun: Ew! You’re a creepy and perverted freak.
Davis: Hey cool, it’s like a mirror image!
Matt: Let me see those.
Jun: No! Wait… YOU can see them. *smiles demurely. If Jun can smile that way*
Matt: Never mind.
Nat: here, I think I can blow these up onto the jeopardy screen…*pushes buttons, whips a scanner over the pictures*
Tai: Crap. (Jun moans)
(The pictures appear onscreen, 100 times bigger)
Jun: I HATE YOU ALL!
Matt: *hopeful* Me too?
Jun: *giggles* Of course not you!
Matt: Damn.
Nat: *takes one last look* Well, onto the question at last. Yolei you said Kindergarden for 500, right?
Yolei: Yeah.
Nat: This number is the equivalent of the air speed velocity of a coconut laden swallow in mid-June.
Jun: June?
Matt: Not you!
Joe: What kind of swallow, what kind?!
Izzy: (panicking) I don’t know, I don’t know! African or European?? How big are they??
Joe: A couple of pounds, how could it carry a coconut?
Izzy: Where would a swallow even FIND a coconut?
Joe: How the hell should I know, we don’t have swallows in Japan!
Izzy: We don’t?? I really gotta pay more attention to nature.
Mimi: Wouldn’t it hurt your throat to swallow an entire coconut at once?
Tai: *fed up with her stupid answers, he slaps her* A swallow is a BIRD!
Mimi: It is?
Joe: Quick, make something up, we need points!
Izzy: Shut up! I can’t perform under pressure!
Joe: Well I can! *Joe rings the buzzer*
Nat: Okay Joe!
Joe: What is 22 km/hour?
Nat: Nope. *zaps them*
Joe: *continues to ring in* What is 21 km/hr? *zap*
What is 20 km/hr? *zap*
What is 19 km/hr? *zap*
What is 18? *zap*
Izzy: Stop it!
Joe: What is 17? *zap*
Izzy: *knocks him out* You just got me zapped SIX *BEEEEEP* times! AND YOU SHORT CIRCUTED MY COMPUTER!!!!
Mimi: Izzy and Joe didn’t get it right? Is there any hope for the rest of us?
Nat: No, ‘cause time’s up. I guess…oh…Mimi can pick now.
Tai: Why don’t you ever pick the guys??
Matt: *banging on the glass* Let me out! (Jun is hugging him around the waist)
Jun: But I love you.
Matt: Get off! *attempts to climb up the glass wall*
Nat: Matt, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. (Matt climbs back down. Jun clings to him like lint. He finally gives up the notion of escape, turns around, and punches Jun in the face)
Nat: *to herself, finally looking at her ratings* Wow, look at the response from female fans.
Jun: Oww! Spousal abuse, spousal abuse!
Matt: We are not married. In fact we are not even dating! I DON’T LIKE YOU!
Jun: Oh, of course you do, silly. I’m sure it was just an accident; maybe your arm is having involuntary spasms. We should take you to a doctor later.
Matt: No! I did it on purpose!
Jun: No, don’t try to apologize. I still love you and know you didn’t mean to hurt me.
(Matt smashes his head against the glass, but it doesn’t break)
Ken: (amazed) Look at him! He is completely under Nat’s control. She could get him to do anything for her if only to escape worse torture. *thought occurs*
Dude, I should be taking notes!
Cody: What are you doing?
Ken: Nothing.
Cody: "Nothing," my butt! Let me see. *grabs notebook*
Ken: Give it back. (a tug-of-war contest ensues, and ends with the notebook ripped to shreds) Now look what you’ve done! (instantly, they spring into yet another miniature Kendo stick vs. whip war)
Nat: Hey, you know, in the U.S. (at least where I come from), if you bring concealed weapons to school you get in huge trouble.
Ken: Well, this isn’t school, you old bag.
Nat: WHAT?
Ken: Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me, unless you’re going deaf in your old age.
Nat: Oh, that’s it, now we have to take drastic measures. *zaps them w/ several thousands volts of Pika-power* Take that. (The evil Pikachus snicker amongst one another)
Mimi: That was harsh.
Nat: Shaddup or you’re next.
Nat: So, TK, I’m curious. Just why is it that you wear a bucket on your head?
Kari: *speculates* I thought we already HAD a discussion to figure that out. Like, a long time ago.
TK: *breaks down and starts crying*
Davis: Whoa, sensitive subject. *grabs the hat*
Kari: Oh well. Hey Davis, over here! *Davis throws it to her*
TK: Give that back! *Kari throws it to Matt*
Matt: What’s wrong little bro? *tosses it to Tai* (The game goes on until TK is purple with rage)
TK: ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! *crashes through several layers of plexiglass and wood in an attempt to rescue his beloved bucket hat, breaking everyone free*
Ken: I’m free!!
Matt: I’m not. *Walks away, dragging Jun wrapped around his legs like a leech*
Cody: I knew TK had an angry side! *TK attacks him* I was right! I just don’t understand you anymore!
TK: SHUT UP! EVERYONE! Gimme back my hat, or Kendo Stick boy here gets it! *holds up a fist to punch him*
Mat: *gasp* TK, is that the kind of example I’ve been? I’ve been such a bad brother; I’m SO sorry.
Now, see, it causes much more pain if you fold the fist like that and make contact right *here*.
Tai: (to himself) Quick! Notes! *scribbles on one of the shreds from the ripped notebook*
TK: (tries to run away, only to be thrown back in my guards)
Fine, keep the bloody hat! I only got it from my DEAD GRANDFATHER. (this is aimed at Cody)
Matt: Grampy died? *lower lip quivers*
Cody: *gasp* Your grandfather?!?! Give it back to him now! *snatches the hat from Mimi and hands to it TK* Here you are, my friend, and may Buddha bless you. *bows low*
TK: Psyche! *shoves hat on head*
Matt: You pipsqueak! *attacks him*
TK: (muttering notes to himself) Hold hand like this, wind up and swing! (punches Matt in the face and makes his nose bleed)
Matt: D’oh! Beat by my own move. (holds his nose)
Jun, Kari and Yolei: Ohh…poor Matt! (all three rush to comfort him, but end up tripping over one another)
Kari: Get away from him!
Jun: He’s mine! We’re gonna be engaged!
Matt: NO WE AREN’T!
Yolei: But I like him most.
Kari: You like EVERY cute boy on earth. So does Jun. Therefore, he should be mine. Besides, I was a Digi Destined with him! We were part of the same close little team!
Yolei: *snort* For like a month.
Jun: Hey, 4-eyes with the purple hair? You’re a freak!
Yolei: Porcupine head!
Kari: B*****! Get away from him NOW! (Jun grabs her hair)
Jun: If you’re gonna have short hair, it’s gotta be spiky. Let me help!
(Kari bites her hand and then punches both Yolei and Jun)
Tai: (impressed) Wow.
Matt: Hey Tai, she punches better than you! Not that that’s too hard to do, but still.
Tai: Hey! (He attacks Matt. Matt proceeds to beat him up)
Davis: Hey Kari! Karrrii, look over here! I love you too!
TK: Get away from my girlfriend!
Davis: You can’t even punch as good as she does!
TK: Really? I’m pretty sure I CAN. *punches Davis in the eye, then the stomach*
Davis: *doubles over, gasping* Fine, so you can. *stomps on TK’s foot*
TK: *hopping* You ass!
Nat: There’s no call for vulgarity.
TK: Be quiet.
Cody: TK, I still cannot believe you would lie about your grandfather. *steps in and tackles TK too*
Davis: Cody, wait for me! I’m the best tackling soccer player!
Ken: As if! *slide tackles Davis* I can run circles around you on the field!
Davis: I made a fool of you, remember.
Ken: We still kicked your butts.
Davis: Hey, at least I can work in a team!
TK: But you two make a great team, and an even better BBQ sauce - "Ken Davis."
Davis: Oh, be quiet. At least we don’t shove our digimon to their limits for war. Winning isn’t EVERYTHING you know.
TK: Well, actually, in a war…
Cody: Didn’t your grandfathers teach you anything about manners?
TK: Didn’t YOUR grandfather ever tell you to be seen and not heard?
Cody: *explodes* I hate you all! Davis is a stupid, lame, cheap and artificial goggle-head, Ken is evil and cruel, and I hate you most of all TK! You and your stupid evil angry side!
TK: Ah, ah, ah. Would Grandfather like the word "hate"?
Cody: *gasp*
(Nat is using this time to write down more things in her Evil Plot book)
Mimi: (to Izzy and Joe) Hey, did you know you can get into the Digiworld without a D3?
Izzy: Really?
Joe: Don’t listen!
Mimi: Yes indeed! All you have to do is curl your hair (well, Izzy, that crew cut isn’t gonna work…we’ll find you a wig) and wear a bit of makeup!
Joe: Define "a bit."
Mimi: It will be fun!
Izzy: I’m open to the possibility.
Joe: No Izzy! Remember Tai’s hair! (Mimi then hits him with her iron fondu pot to shut him up)
Izzy: Will it really work??
Mimi: OF course.
Izzy: Well…I don’t believe you! *runs off*
Mimi: Wait! I just want to quickly paint your nails! I have over 7001 colors to choose from!
Izzy: *runs faster* Really, no thank you.
Mimi: Hot flamingo pink? Glow-in-the-dark? Neon yellow with purple sparkles??
Izzy: SHOO; get away from me!! I am a superior being! You don’t want to know the damage and destruction I can create! I could…um… construct a laser and shoot you with it!
Mimi: *giggles* Oh Izzy, don’t be silly. Come here and I’ll add some deep plum lipstick for free.
Izzy: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! *runs around the room at least 20 times*
Well, aren’t you gonna help me??
Matt: See, now you know what it’s like to be me.
Tai: I dunno, I rather like the idea of you wearing makeup. It helps further feed my base of Jyoushiro proof.
Izzy: SHUT UP! *zooms across the room, decks Tai, then zooms away again*
Tai: God %^#@@#!
Kari: Again, o brother mine, YOU were wearing a ton of makeup. With the same logic, I can claim Taito proof.
Tai: WHY? Why can’t I win??
Matt: Kari, darling, the Taito myth hurts me too.
Kari: Whoops, sorry. Hmm, there must be some way I can get Tai without also hurting the Perfection That Is Matt…
Nat: Now, on to our next question. The honor of choosing goes to:
Sora: NO! ARGH! Why did I not get to play?!
*hobbles in the door, wildly swinging her crutches*
I’ll kill you for shutting me out! I’ll beat you into a bloody pulp! I-
(Snowflake jumps up and sinks his fangs into Sora’s arm. She falls to the floor, drunkenly muttering "swirling mixing rainbows and a flying pink elephant…")
All: ????
Snowflake: I dipped my teeth in Pretty Colors tranquilizer.
Davis: Oh, of course. It’s all so simple. *looks confused*
(Sora is dragged away again)
Joe: Wait! According to my calculations, there are…*punches numbers into a calculator* 12 of us and only 2 of them! If we all attack her at once, there’s no way we can lose! CHAARRRRGE! (Valiantly, he races toward Nat. After a brief staring contest, the other partners are shoving each other out of the way in an attempt to be the first to take revenge on Natalie.)
Ken: Get out of my way, Pipsqueak! I have a long flailing whip - and look what I got for my birthday! *pulls out a Cat O’ Nine Tails*
Cody: Oh yeah? Well I have the KENDO STICKS OF JUSTICE! *pulls out 5 or 6 sticks and manages to put them all into one hand while the other reaches into his bag*
And, my new FENCING SWORD! HEEEEEEEYA!
Izzy: It’s not called a fencing sword, it’s called a foil. Or a sabre, or an epee, depending on your choice.
TK: Hey, you don’t know how to fence!
Cody: Oh, don’t I? (He whips it around at warp speed. TK’s hat falls down in shreds. )
TK: NO! MY HAT!
Kari: You idiot, you have six identical ones.
TK: Oh yeah. (He pulls out another. Cody shreds it. Hat 3. Cody shreds it. Hat 4…)
Davis: Dude, what are you, the kid from that Dr. Seuss book who had a zillion hats?!
(Cody shreds it. Hat 5, Cody shreds it. Hats 6 and 7 follow the same fate.)
TK: YOU CUT UP ALL MY HATS!!
Kari: Why did you keep taking them out?
TK: My hats gave me super powers. Anyway, now I’m going to KILL CODY! *changes to Angry Mode* I WILL PULVERIZE YOU!
MEANWHILE
Jun: Hey Matt, while everyone else is fighting, how about if we go into this closet here and…*wiggles eyebrows suggestively*
Matt: Mmm…Jun, that sounds like a wonderful idea. I think I’m ready to give you a chance now.
Jun: *eyes widen* REALLY???
Matt: Oh yeah. You go in first.
Jun: YAY! *giddily opens the door*
Matt: It worked! (Matt shoves Jun in headfirst, then locks the door. After a brief moment of thought, he hauls a bunch of debris in front of the door and runs off to hurt Natalie)
YOU WILL PAY FOR ELECTROCUTING ME!!
(as the children advance like wolves, Nat smiles and pushes a button)
Joe: What the -
(the ceiling panels open and hundreds and hundreds of bouncing pink animals rain down upon the children)
Snowflake: Witness…THE DEMONIC SPAWN OF SNOWFLAKE!
Yolei: That sounds bad.
Kari: OW! That one bit my finger!
Snowflake: Yes, my children, born and raised my Her Majesty, Fluffy, the Tokomon Destroyer.
Davis: It destroys Tokomons?
TK: NO! TOKOMON, STOP!
Snowflake: You bluthering humans, she is a destroyer in the form of a Tokomon.
Ken: Oh for crying out loud, they’re little pink rodents.
(All the Tokomons bristle, then row by row draw back their lips and reveal long jagged sets of teeth)
Ken: Okay, so they’re little pink rodents with big teeth.
(Seconds later, the Tokos have attacked en masse)
Kari: Get it off me, get if off me!
TK: OH the [bloody] HUMANITY!
Matt: Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!!
(A toko grabs Ken’s whip in his teeth and pulls)
Ken: Hey! Gimme back my whip! (the creature eats it and bites him) OUCH! DAMN YOU!
Cody: Put down my Kendo Stick! (he tries to bat the rat off, but it eats his stick and shirt sleeve too)
Tai: (coming back from the bathroom) Holy flip, what’s going ON?
(All the Tokomon stop and turn around slowly, gazing in reverence)
Toko 1: Look! The One of Big Hair!
Toko 2: Holy Master!
Toko 3: I can’t resist! I must nestle in his voluminous locks!
Toko 4: Come Brother Tokomon! We shall dance and play in Tai’s Big Fluffy Hair!
Tai: Huh? (The mass of Digimon stampedes towards him)
AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! (Tai runs out screaming, his hair now a living pink mass with the rest of the herd running behind him)
Toko 1: To the right, Boys! He’s headed for the subway!
Toko 3: GET HIM!
Tai: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Toko 5: All together now, the Song Of Ages!!
God rest ye merry Tokomons
For it's soon time to play
We'll get our ropes all ready
When Taichi comes our way!
We'll tie him up in half an hour
'Cause he'll try to get away
Then we'll play in Tai's big fluffy hair
Tai: NO! NO!
Toko 6: Shut it, plaything.
Big fluffy hair!
Then we'll play in Tai's big fluffy hair!
Now Matt he may not li-i-ike
Our Tai-i tying ways
But if he tries to stop us
We'll bubble blow him away!
Matt: OH MY GOD, I DON’T LIKE TAI!
For it is our duty as horny Tokos
To let nothing stand in the way
Of playing in Tai's big fluffy hair
Big fluffy hair!
Tai: Save me!
Of playing in Tai's big fluffy hair!
And if we see Da-a-vis
Coming our merry way
We'll break out our bazookas
And blow that panty-theif away!
Davis: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!?!
Jun: Geez, Davis, I knew you were a pervert and loved Tai and all, but SICK!
We thought we made ourselves clear
Taichi is ours today!
And we're playing in Tai's big fluffy hair
Big fluffy hair!
And we're playing in Tai's big fluffy hair!
Tai: I repeat. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
BACK IN THE ROOM
Yolei: Shouldn’t we maybe help him?
Kari: Nah, Tai knows what he’s doing.
(Tai’s Distant Voice: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
Nat: *whispers* Good work Snowflake! I got a little worried when they all ran away, but since it managed to drive Tai insane all is good.
Snowflake: *sheepish* Yeah, sorry about that. I forgot that I’m the only known Tokomon who doesn’t have a fixated obsession with Tai and his hair. Anyway, how many have we done away with now?
Nat: Hmm, it looks like…TWO?! We’ve wasted hours upon hours and you’ve only gotten rid of TWO???
Snowflake: I’m sorry! I will work harder! I mean, everyone is damaged to some extent…
(both turn at the sound of the closet door opening)
Jun: Hey Matt, it’s kinda funny but before you could come in with me the closet door locked itself and all this broken wood got lodged in front!
Matt: *moans* No…this is NOT happening…how did YOU get out?!
Jun: Well, I almost couldn’t do it but then I realized you must have been trying your hardest to dig me out. I wanted to see you so badly that it gave me all the extra strength I needed! *jumps on him and proceeds to smother him with hugs and kisses*
Matt: *twitches and squirms* OK…OK… NOW THIS IS IT! *begins shouting nonsense in a loopy voice*
CalmwoodCalmwoodCalmwood RIGHT NOW! LEMME IN! I am not responsible for my actions! *wriggles around like a seal* get me out get me out get me out, nee nee nee, hey I am a knight who says Nee!
The welcome wagon is a piece of purple crap! If you squeeze a mouse too hard it dies. Why do woodchucks chuck wood? And what is chucking? Mountain Dew is good for hyperness. Can I have some? I pronounce herb not like "erb" but like "HERB" because it has a freakin’ H in it!!
Jun: Well, now he’s scaring me a teeney bit.
Matt: I’ve been in a mental hospital…16 TIMES! *holds up 3 fingers*
Jun: Mattsy! *kisses him* *Matt screams and spits in her face*
Jun: Call an ambulance! He can’t control his saliva!
TK: My GOD she is thick.
Jun: Well?? I think he might have a problem with his brain!
Matt: "There’s a problem with my brain??" *points to his stomach questioningly*
Yesteryear is a real word meaning "last year." And aquil means eagle in Latin and that’s why it’s called Aquilamon!
Izzy: *grabs another shred of the ripped notebook* I must take notes! I vow to explain and catalogue every Digimon’s name!
Joe: *sings* Cata-logue ‘em, catalogue ‘em all. Cat-a-logue them all, DIGIMON!
Izzy: Oh, shut up.
(Kari and Yolei come back from wherever they just escaped too)
Yolei: HA! We have found you, Jun!
Kari: Feel our wrath! (she holds a great bazooka gun in her hands. Jun shrieks, but out comes…)
Yolei: A BEAN BAG?!?!
Kari: Aw crap, we stole the wrong gun!
Yolei: Not necessarily. *fires a huge brigade of beanbags, pelting Jun about the head and shoulders until she is knocked out*
Nat: Guards, would you mind getting rid of these two? No, not the girls…yet. Get rid of those other two.
(The guards drag out Matt and Jun. After Matt is firmly strapped into a straitjacket, he begins muttering violent slogans and phrases)
Matt: A hongy-samongy…there was that time with Puppetmon, I should have snapped all his spindly little stick appendages. Well now I’m gonna bash Gabumon over the head w/ his own horn after I rip it out of his head…I like bashing things over the head. I’m gonna…
(Jun so closely resembles garbage that she is thrown into the Dumpster behind Calmwood Mental Hospital, where Matt has been deposited)
Nat: Okay Snowflake, you’re getting better. 4 down, 9 to go.
(Izzy and Joe roll out of the adjoining room, fighting)
Izzy: I - AM - SMARTER - THAN - YOU!!
Joe: You are freakin’ NOT!
Izzy: Who did all the computer stuff in the first year? Who figured out exactly what the Digiworld was? Who figured out Myotismon’s cards? Who’s currently uncovering all the secrets of the new enemy? Who unmasked Ken’s identity and all his dark spiral/spire crap?
Joe: Oh, sorry, I don’t spend all my time baby-sitting the newbies!
Cody: I TOLD you I’m not a new bee.
Scully’s Faraway Voice: And I told YOU bees are evil!!!
Nat: Why do those voices always answer irrelevant comments?
Joe: Well, since I’m NOT baby-sitting, I have delved into fascinating wonders of science, dissecting Gomamon, Veemon, Armadillomon, Bunnymon, 3 strains of Foximon, and captured a giant squid alive. I have also broken into your foolishly guarded computer lab and unleashed a virus on your system. Then I stole your computer virus program to unleash upon whatever poor fool country angers me next.
TK: But what if it’s Africa? They don’t have many computers.
Ken: Africa isn’t a country, you idiot. I shall lash you with my whip for your stupidity.
TK: Then I’ll just come and beat you up again, k?
Kari: Will you two knock it off? Have you not noticed that Sora and Tai and Matt and Jun are gone??
Davis: WOOHOO! Jun’s gone! Let’s dance! *jumps out and starts some kind of breakdancing while everyone else stares*
Yolei: Hey Davis, how does Jun spell her name?
Davis: J-u-n.
Ken: Logic states that it would be spelled like the month, J-u-n-E.
Davis: How am I supposed to know?!
Kari: Well she IS your sister…hey, what’s Cody reading?
(Cody calmly holds up the book. It is "Pride And Prejudice")
Ken: HEY, you can’t read that book yet! I’m only halfway through it!
Cody: I am merely checking to see how closely it resembles our lives.
Ken: Oh no, in that case you want "Edgar Allen Poe’s Tales Of Horror."
Cody: Why should I listen to you, you black hearted demon?
Ken: WHAT?! (he yanks out his whip. Again. In the blink of an eye, Cody has 2 Kendo sticks and…)
Ken: A MACE?! That’s not -
Cody: *swirls the mace and knocks Ken out* Don’t mess with The Best.
Nat: All right, now everyone needs to SHUT UP!
TK: Dude, I forgot she was even there. Hey wait a second…where are Izzy and Joe?!?!?!
TRAVELING FREAK SHOW, SOMEWHERE IN CANADA
(Izzy and Joe are locked in an iron cage proclaiming "See The Primitive Humans: $2." They are separated by a plexiglass wall, and every few minutes, they fling themselves at the barrier, screaming jibberish [a.k.a. Japanese techno-babble] and making complicated hand gestures [also known as JSL; Japanese Sign Language] to let the other know he wants to kill him. A picture of a girl gives the illusion that they are fighting over a mate, when in reality a closer inspection shows that she is composed of numbers in binary code and each wants to be the first to crack it)
INTERVIEW STUDIO
Nat: *shrugs innocently* No idea.
Kari: Don’t lie to me, you stuff-shirt hag! There’s still 7 of us and only 2 of you! Let’s GET HER!
Nat: Ah, ah, ah, there are 3 of us. *opens a door and takes out a smiling baby Pikachu*
Kari: Uh-oh. (The little creature hops into her arms and smiles sweetly)
Pikachu: "Chu."
Kari: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! *drops it and runs out the door, the genuinely friendly Pikachu bouncing behind her*
Davis: I’ll save you, Kari! (Davis runs out the door)
TK: Me too! (the door slams shut just before he gets to it) Shoot.
(Just outside the door, Davis and Kari run into a large net. The net is dropped into a box, which is then sealed by Crabbe and Goyle and marked "Express To Hong Kong.")
TK: *sighs and comes back to the center of the room* Aw crap. I mean…aw crap. Hey, what happened to Mimi?!?! (Mimi has vanished without a trace)
TK: AW CRAP!!!
Nat: All right kids. Now that there are only 4 of you left, I will reveal my complicated master plan. First, I kidnapped you all and dragged you here.
Yolei: Duh.
Nat: Actually, I came to TAKE REVENGE ON INTERVIEW LADY!!
Ken: Doesn’t she have a real name?
Nat: Well yes, but she made me promise not to tell. Anyway, as an added bonus, I was going to drive you all insane (which I’ve almost finished doing). And finally, I was going to send Interview Lady to the darkest, most desolate place on Earth so that I would be the talented Interviewer who got fantastic ratings!
TK: "Darkest, most desolate place on Earth"? But we’re already there!
Nat: Shut up you fool. And you know why I had to take such drastic measures? Because she wouldn’t give me any decent screen time. All she ever did with me was tie me up or cut me off when I just wanted to tell one little joke. Anyway, now it is time to finish -
Loud Commanding Voice: STOP!
Nat: What the-?
(A tall figure is in the doorway, hidden in shadow, a small creature by its side)
Figure: I have escaped your evil clutches at last! At this very moment, I have the nice friendly Minneapolis police on their way.
TK: No WAY! We’re in Minneapolis?? I thought we were in Minnesota!
Cody: Nuh-uh, we’re in the United States!
Yolei: Well then why the hell is everyone telling me we’re in North America?!?
Ken: Quiet, all of you fools! A madwoman is upon us!
Cody: Oh, like I’m really gonna listen to YOU.
Ken: Will you drop it already?
Figure: The police are coming, and THEN we’ll see who has their revenge. (The figure steps into the light. Naturally, it is…)
Nat: INTERVIEW LADY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! (Nat’s face is purple with livid rage)
But…but…you bitch! I had you locked in iron chains without a key!
IL: Well, let me tell you an interesting little story about that…
Nat: No! I killed Happy Storytime Lady so I wouldn’t have to listen to more stories!
IL: You don’t wanna disparage her name; never know when her ghost will come back on my side.
Nat: *snort* I’m so scared. Besides, "friend," you forget. I have Snowflake on MY side.
Snowflake: *sticks out tongue* Yeah, you old meanie! Yer gonna lose!
IL: Oh, AM I? Well I have a new partner, Snowflake, and she can kick your pink Toko butt from here to the Digiworld and back in 2 seconds.
Snowflake: Oh., yeah right.
IL: Meet my friend, Gatomon.
TK: Is that the insane one you stole from Kari?
IL: Dude, she got rid of it.
TK: Oh yeah.
Snowflake: You don’t scare me!
IL: Oh, really? Well, she’s a cat and you’re a rat.
Gatomon: DIE! (She lunges, claws outstretched. She looks very much like a cougar leaping onto a deer. Snowflake screeches and scoots his little legs as fast as he can to hide beneath the desk)
Nat: Get back here, you wimpy excuse for a partner! Open your mouth and bite!
Snowflake: But her claws are bigger than I am! (Untrimmed for several weeks but frequently sharpened, each nail is about 13 inches long, straight and pointed)
Nat: That’s not an excuse. *reaches into her drawer of confiscated weapons*
Ah-HAH! The Cat O’ Nine Tails!
IL: *snakes an arm in and grabs Cody’s Kendo Sticks Of Justice* Hee-HEE! *short Kendo stick vs. whip war that ends w/ the whip flicked out of Natalie’s hands*
Nat: *shrugs* That’s just one round.
IL: Maybe you’d better look around for your Toko. *smirks*
(Snowflake is perched on a stool, quaking, while Gatomon circles it like a shark)
Gatomon: High Cat wait many suns - kill devil. High Cat eat flesh of Pink Satan this night.
Snowflake: (to Nat) Don’t just sit there, you moron! Help me!
Nat: Like you helped me? Oh fine. *grabs the shock proof broom* Git! Git! *tries to whack Gatomon over the head* *Gatomon opens her jaws to reveal Toko-like fangs, then chomps the broom into matchwood*
Nat: What - the *BEEP*.
IL: Now, are you going to step down or do I have to take my station back by force?
Nat: I - am - Princess Goddess Nat! I won’t be defeated by you!
IL: Really? Well, check your weapons drawer again.
Nat: WHAT?! *finds it empty*
(looks up at the sound of tapping on the window from the hallway. TK, Yolei, and Ken are grinning and holding, respectively, Nat’s bazooka, flamethrower, and alien guns from Men in Black. Cody stands off to the side holding the jabbering Teletubbies on a leash and neck chains.
Nat: Why are they helping you?! They hate you too!
TK: We may hate IL, but at least she doesn’t lock us in little boxes and make us answer stupid questions.
Cody: AND she doesn’t shock us with electricity.
Nat: Would you have preferred fire?
Yolei: And we get to fight and curse whenever we want!
Nat: But…but…
IL: It’s over, ex-Princess ex-Goddess Natalie.
Nat: Oh no you don’t, I have one last trick up my sleeve…STEPHANIE.
IL: *covers ears* Noooo don’t say that!
Cody: Your name is Stephanie?
Yolei: How boring!
IL: THAT WAS MY BEST SECRET!
Nat: And now…*presses a round purple button*
Ken: Shouldn’t it be red?
Nat: Nah, I was afraid Cody would yell about copyrights.
(Cody nods and smiles, silently applauding. Then, a huge net falls from the ceiling and traps everyone inside)
IL: I’M GOING TO RIP YOUR HAIR OUT BY THE ROOTS AND STRING YOU ON THE RACK AND THEN DRAW AND QUARTER YOU!!
Nat: Learned it ALL from you, baby.
IL: *tears out of the net* I WILL have my revenge! *goes after Nat with her bare hands*
Nat: *dodges, trips IL, and holds up a 3-paneled board from many years ago* Does this look familiar?
IL: *glares* Quit digging up the past. I've got dirt on you too, you know.
Nat: Oh, you mean like my (fake) report card in the drawer there? Yeah. But remember this? It starts with an H…
IL: *starts twitching*
Nat: It’s a project, a very special project from a very special year of school...
IL: *attempts to cover her ears, but keeps twitching*
Nat: It’s your HISTORY DAY project!
IL: *screams* NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Cody: My gosh! She has dirt on EVERYONE!
Ken: Please! Teach me to torture people!
Nat: Sure. Go like this…*holds up Leafmon and tickles him*
Ken: No wait, leave him out of this! *struggles in the net* I just stopped abusing him a week ago and he’s still quite fragile!
(Nat ties up Leafmon and leaves him in a patch of bright sun)
Ken: NOOOOOOO!
(distant sound of sirens)
Nat: Uh-oh, you really weren’t bluffing.
IL: Nope. YAY! The police are almost here to save us!
Nat: Maybe so, but "Can’t catch me, I’m the Princess Nat gal!" (she whistles and presses a button. The skylight opens, the sound of a helicopter begins, and a rope ladder falls down)
IL: WTF? I’m not letting you get away!
Snowflake: Wait for meeeee!
Nat: Sorry, Snowflake. (Nat grabs him by the ears and runs for the ladder and calls up,) Now fly, Fluffy! Fly! (Nat disappears)
(IL grabs at her feet, but misses by mere inches)
IL: DAMN IT!!!!!!!
(FINALLY, the other people scramble out of the net)
Yolei: Well then…
IL: I’M GOING TO KILL HER! (IL’s face is totally red)
Yolei: *glances around* You know, it looks like everyone here could really use a good drink right now. What should I mix up? Martinis? Bloody Marys (and Ken, if you say one word about Mary Tudor I will gouge your eyes out)? Fruit punch screwdrivers? (no one answers)
Yolei: Okay, I’ll make some of my specialty, Pretty Colors drinks!
Cody: They sound pretty.
Ken: I’ll take one.
IL: Please. I KNOW what’s in a Pretty Colors drink. *pause* Give me a couple.
Yolei: *passes out drinks* To everyone who survived!
All: Cheers!
~*2 hours, 3 pitchers of the Pretty Colors drink, 9 cop cars full of cops, a 6-pack for each cop, a large pack of donuts, and probably a Kendo stick or two later*~
Cop 1: *drunkenly* Okay bye-bye now kids! We’ll see you later! *all the cops agree, then fall down*
IL: I have the feeling this isn’t what I wanted to happen but…well, Pretty Colors are Pretty Colors!
Yolei: Hey Davis? I wanted to thank you for catching me on that bridge the other day.
TK: *giggles in a drunken tone* Yeaaah, I was cooool. You’ve got really pretty colors in your hair, you know that?
Yolei: I love you Davis…I mean DK…oh hell who cares. *they start making out*
(IL looks about ready to hurl, then runs to the bathrooms and comes back)
IL: Did I not suffer enough during the NC/Jake sessions?
Ken: Come on Cody, let’s go practice for our Kendo Stick/Whip match! *faints*
Cody: *dizzily* MAN there’s some pretty colors out there…
Grandfather: *bursting through the door* CODY! WHAT’S THIS I HEAR ABOUT TEMPER TANTRUMS, GETTING INTO FIGHTS, USING ILLEGAL DRUGS, TAKING BUDDHA’S NAME IN VAIN, AND *gasp* using a holy Kendo stick as a LIMBO POLE?!?!?!
Cody: *chokes and sputters on his drink* AH! GRANDFATHER! Uhh, uhh, I can explain…
Grandfather: In the car, Mister. I was going to let you off easy but then I heard about the Kendo stick thing and that was it! Consider yourself banned from ever learning karate! *drags him off by the ear*
Cody: *sob* But I was provoked!
IL: *looks at the remnants of her trashed studio and at the 3 drunk, snoring kids left on her floor* I cannot believe I have stooped this low. *to Gatomon* I’ll get her, Gatomon…and I’ll make Snowflake join us too.
Gatomon: *eyes glowing pink* Si. Kill evil lady.
IL: *spots the poster on the floor, the only thing in the studio not totally wrecked* F****** History Day project. *pulls out a lighter and burns it*
IL (looking up at the sky): I’ll get you, my pretty, and take my Toko back too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OUTSIDE IN THE COLD, SKY NOW DARK
Tentomon: (shivering and sniffling) Used to power computers indeed. I’ll get you, you ungrateful child…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"It is done."
Notes From The Head Author: I know, I know. How could all that happen? Where was the producer; couldn’t he have helped? And why DID Nat win? (because she wrote the ending when I wasn’t around, that’s why. Starting with "I have 1 more trick up my sleeve…")
Also, if you want to save yourself about 3 pages of boredom, stop here. We were sad that our story had finally ended so we kept thinking up more and more end-note things.
THANK YOUS, SOURCES AND HONORABLE MENTIONS
Nat: Rainbow Stevie for helping me write this.
RS: Nat for…
Nat: My mom and dad for being supportive, and my dog for being cute.
RS: *hits her over the head* You ARE new at this, aren’t you? Now, onto the REAL thank-yous.
Nat: Mine were legit!
RS: Yeah, yeah.
TELEVISION:
1. Toei Animation, FOXkids, and Bandai for use of their characters. Express written consent or no.
2. Forgot-who-owns-them and KidsWB for the Sparking Electrical Yellow Rats. Oh yes, and the Vile, Plumed Thing.
3. David E. Kelley’s "Boston Public" for the idea of a copyrighted cheerleading routine.
4. Lucy Lawless, for bringing to life the Xena battle cry.
5. 1013, Chris Carter, Spotnitz and the like for Mulder and Scully.
6. Alex T., host of Jeopardy. And whoever thought up that idea.
MOVIES
MOVIES
7. Monty Python, one of the best movies out there, for the coconut-laden swallow question. And Matt’s "Nee, nee, hey I am a knight who says Nee!"
8. The Fruitarian Society Of The World for info on their beliefs. And/or Notting Hill for telling me about it.
9. Disney’s "The Rescuers Down Under" for the "My mental facilities…" line.
10. Men In Black for their guns.
PEOPLE
11. Lisa, as always, for creating the Pretty Colors chatroom and giving us that idea and some of the material.
12. Natalie, for helping ME write this.
Nat: No, other way around. YOU didn’t want to write any more. This story was my idea. I wrote more of it!
13. J.K. Rowling and Hogwarts for Crabbe, Goyle, Madame Pomfrey and Professor Sprout. We actually had to look up Sprout’s name, but we got it.
14. Our friend Serbie and her stories, for the "2 hours and a blah blah blah later" idea.
15. Everybody’s favorite, Clare at "The Lost Temple Of Ishida.” We thank her for the temporary use of her Tokomon Fluffy, the idea of GothTK, and the Tokomons’ song.
16. Actually, the song was by Sforzie and originally performed by the Tokyo Tokomon Choir.
17. "Bill Clinton, for signing my bra!"
RS: JUN! GET BACK IN THE DUMPSTER! Although we should probably thank him for use of his name.
18. People at Ishida Insanity (namely Jordan) for pieces of Matt’s random insanity.
OTHER
19. The Heebie Jeebie, Hi-Yah! Kendo stick company for providing us with Kendo sticks.
20. The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe for "Turkish Delight."
21. Shakespeare, for "green sickness carrion."
RS: NAT! That’s enough! It’s time for…
FUN ENDING FACTS & STATISTICS
Colors Original Draft Was Written In: Sparkly green, light blue, sparkly blue, sparkly turquoise, sparkly orange, sparkly silver, sparkly pink, pink lightning, blue lightning, purple (Gelly Roll Pens), dark blue, green, neon green, dark green, red, black, lavender, and gray pencil (GRAND TOTAL: 18 colors)
Hot Items Of The Day: Pretty Colors Drugs, Kendo sticks, and Fondu Pots.
Nat: And nets!
Hot Vacation Spots: Calmwood Mental Hospital and Jail.
Time to write story: 18 days
Draft Completed: March 6, 2001
Story Actually Typed and Uploaded: April 22, 2001
Future Plans: "Interviewing The Agents" (X-Files, written by RS), and more Digimon. This story ain’t over…I’m not letting Nat keep Snowflake after screwing over my station and making me look stupid!
Nat: And now…
NAT’S NUMBERS
RS: Oh God.
Written Notebook Pages: 92 (53.5 by Nat, 36.5 by RS)
Kendo Sticks That Appeared: Upwards of 56.
Pikachus Employed: 8
Snowflake’s Spawn: 2,285
RS: SNOWFLAKE!
Snowflake: Hehe…*sweatdrop*
Margin Notes: Upwards of 45
Nat: "This show has been brought to you by the Heebie Jeebie, Hi-Yah! Kendo Stick Company, and by the number 5."
Cody: That’s a copyrighted slogan, dammit!!
Grandfather: CODY! I WARNED you about cursing. Now you’ve lost your fencing privileges.
Cody: NOOO!
~Fin~
Comments may be e-mailed directly to () or Natalie . Please send it to both addresses; we both want to hear your thoughts!
Email: morgan9787@aol.com