Summary: On today’s show, the Digi Destined meet Agent Mulder and Agent Scully. Interview Lady has a new pet and Veemon can turn into yet another form. Gatomon has been driven insane. Nobody likes Tai (much violence ensues). TK has a new catch phrase. We call up a couple of people and…
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Prologue: Yes, I had to buy many minutes of commercial time and string them together. Well, remember how I asked for pennies and dimes to be sent in? That was getting me nowhere fast … I had about 24 cents collected when someone sent in Pennies And Dimes. He’s a pinto stallion. So I sold the horse and made thousands of dollars and paid my fecking station manager and…well, you’ll see how things turn out.
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(Scene: Digi Destined being marched into some patrol cars)
Davis: What the hell’s going on here?! What did we do????
Policeman 1: You were watching The Matrix in a bar. That’s rated R. You aren’t 18 and I don’t see your parents.
Matt: I don’t need them! I’m a rock star!
Policeman 1: Well, you were still in a bar.
Matt: I can’t go to jail! I have a concert coming up! And…wait a second, what do you mean you’re charging me as an adult?!
Policeman 1: You make as much money as a decent adult does. Therefore, we’re putting you in the adult jail.
Matt: Then how come I can’t sit in a bar?! And….wait, I’ve heard bad things about what they do to new people in jail!
Sora: What things?
Matt: *whispers in her ear*
Sora: (dismissively) Oh, like that’s a big change from your usual life.
Matt: WHAT?!
TK: You twisted freak!
Matt: I wouldn’t talk. You build towers with wooden blocks to impress Davis.
(TK shuts up)
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(Scene: Interrogation room)
Policeman 1: Okay, it appears that we aren’t allowed to throw any of you in jail (not even Mutt) because you’re minors.
Matt: MATT!
Sora: All he’s gotta do is add an "s" before that first name and he has you down pat, Ishida.
Policeman 2: However, you will have to do community service.
Izzy: Oh joyous day! My grandfather said that serving the community is the highest honor one can receive!
Cody: (unamused) You’re mocking me, aren’t you.
Izzy: "Oh no, no, no-no-no-no-no, [CODY LOOK SOMEONE’S THROWING FOOD]!"
Cody: WHERE?
Izzy: (laughing himself into fits) "HAH, HAH, hahahaHAHA…"
IL: It’s nothing short of disturbing how often you quote “Toy Story.”
TK: Yeah, then if we’re really lucky we can get shot in the line of duty like a certain fool I know.
Cody: (bursting into tears) He’s making fun of my brave father! JOOOEEEE!!!
Joe: Um, is there a specific reason you’re in my lap hugging me?
Sora: I happen think community service is good. We can pick up trash and save the environment -
Policeman 2: And your community service is…what? Appear on a televised radio program? That isn’t punishment!
(All the kids have frozen)
Mimi: W...what is it called?
Policeman 1: IFFI.
Mimi: Phew.
Policeman 1: Ishida Fan Fiction Insanity. Changed from FIFI
Matt: AH! AH! IT’S JUN BACK FROM THE DEAD!
Sora: Jun isn’t dead.
Matt: Oh, um…of course not, hehe. Silly me.
Kari: Well, as long as it’s not Interview Lady. Maybe this’ll be fun after all!
Policeman 2: Well, it still don’t look like punishment to me. But I’m hungry, so let’s just follow orders and get these kids over to the radio station and ready for Interview Lady.
All: WHAT?! (all faint…making transportation to the studio quite easy)
(Scene: Interview Lady’s room)
Izzy: Very good, Miss Interview Lady Ma’am. You’ve managed to trick us all into coming into this hell-hole again.
IL: (all innocence and smiles) Trick? What trick? All I did was apply to have this program become one of the community services for troubled teens. Not MY fault you all got yourselves arrested.
Davis: I notice you’ve dropped the "happy" from your name. Should I be distressed?
Sora: All right. How much do we have to pay to get outta here THIS time?
IL: 5 hours of your lives.
Mimi: The first time it was half an hour. Then an hour. Then four hours, over 2 days. Where does it end, IL, where does it end?
Sora: Five hours is not a yen amount!
IL: It’s an opportunity cost. Maybe you should study economics, Sora.
Tai: *snicker* She doesn’t need economics. She has "flower arranging".
Sora: Kamiya, why are you wearing that blue headband? It clashes with the green suit. And why are you still wearing THAT? We’re not in school.
Tai: I like green?
Yolei: Matt, come to think of it why were YOU wearing the green school uniform onstage at your concert?
Matt: Green’s cool?
Davis: Wow, prophecies really don’t lie…
Tai: I’d close your mouth if I were you, little weasel. Remember, "Because rivalry can’t last forever."
Izzy: Er, Tai, doesn’t that go AGAINST your claim that you aren’t gay?
Tai: WE’VE DISCUSSED THIS! WE DISCUSS THIS EVERY DAMN TIME WE COME IN HERE! WHY CAN’T EVERYBODY GET IT INTO THEIR THICK LITTLE HEADS THAT I’M NOT INTERESTED IN MATT?
Kari: So who ARE you interested in? Is it Joe now?
Joe: Isn’t it enough I have Cody grabbing me?!
Izzy: I didn’t know you liked boys.
Joe: *stares at him for several seconds, growing madder and madder* Did you NOT freakin’ see ANYTHING while Mimi and I were freakin’ rounding up allies?!
Izzy: Well, ah, see, I wasn’t THERE…
Joe: Oh freakin’ shut up.
IL: You like the word "freakin", don’t you.
(Joe, sulking, does not answer)
IL: I’m starting the interview now whether you like it or not. Rabid Batpig (red eyed and frothing): They’re bad children.
TK: What the…what did you do to my Patamon?!
IL: He’s my Patamon now. And call him Batpig. If you fail to call him Batpig he may become very angry. When he’s very angry he turns rabid and you don’t want to be chased by that.
Tai: You really don’t.
TK: PATAMON, it’s me!
Rabid Batpig: Never call me anything but BATPIG! *jumps out at him* BATPIG WILL NOW FEAST UPON THE FLESH OF TAKERU!
TK: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! TAKERU IS VERY FRIGHTENED! I mean, I am very frightened…SAVE ME!
IL: Get down on your knees and praise the batpig.
TK: Never!
Rabid Batpig: DO IT…
(TK looks at its previously unnoticed teeth)
TK: O Holiest Of Mighty Batpigs, I am not worthy to stand in thy presence, but only say the word and I shall be thy slave.
Rabid Batpig: Good child.
IL: Okay. It appears our audience is becoming very restless and a lot of sets are being turned off. So let’s get a move on. What did you guys do all summer?
Izzy: I visited some hentai sites. And I started making my own hentai site. I have pictures of everyone except Sora and Ms. Takaishi. Hey Sora, can I see you for a minute?
Sora: YOU CREEPY PERVERT!
TK: GET AWAY FROM MY MOM! Kaarrriii, he’s being a pervert…
Kari: You are a pervert.
TK: I am not!
Kari: So!
TK: Not!
Yolei: If you two don’t shut up, Cody is gonna sing!!
(Kari and TK shut up)
Tai: Now, if you wanna see a pervert, go look at Gomamon. He not only happily splashes around in the bathtub with all the guys, he decides to go peer at the girls too? I mean, that’s 7 right there…
Davis: Ah, what exactly do you mean, in the BATHTUB with ALL the GUYS?
Joe: Gomamon, you freak.
Matt: Dude, out of everyone, I should think Kari would be the easiest one to see-
Tai: FREAKIN’ GET AWAY FROM MY LITTLE SISTER! *attempts to jump him but gets kicked in the shin for his efforts*
Matt: *shrugs* We go through this every time he sees me. I make one common observation about Kari and he flips out and tries to kill me. Personally, I don’t think he should have been let out of Calmwood.
IL: Probably not.
Joe: Hey, I have a topic. I think everyone should be a Communist!
IL: Uhh….huh. And, ah, how did you come about this conclusion?
Joe: Nuns are Communist! They all live in a convent and they share everything!
IL: And where did you learn this? Seeing as how nuns are Catholic and you’re Buddhist.
Joe: Oh, I’m a Catholic now too. The wonderful sisters came to show me the guiding light of Christianity and how my religion was invincibly ignorant.
IL: They say that only because they failed miserably in their attempt to convert the Asian religions.
Yolei: We’re Asian?!
IL: Yeah. You live in Japan. That’s a country in Asia. Therefore you’re Asian.
Yolei: But…but…then how I come I don’t have black hair? And how come I speak in English?
IL: I neither know nor care. Okay, Joe which nun showed you the light?
Joe: Sister Wendy Beckett! She was ever so sweet and nice and kind. Now everything I do is for God.
TK: Isn’t she the nice nun on PBS who does the art review?
IL: Where DO you find these things in Japan?
TK: I dunno.
Davis: You know what? Nuns are abusive. I mean, they claim to know and love God, and yet they slap, hit, and yell at children under their charge.
Mimi: I never told anyone this…but I used to be taught by a nun. She told me I was going to hell.
Sora: Why?
Mimi: I chewed gum in class. I mean, she said, "Mimi, you are going to go to hell because you broke the rules and chewed gum in my classroom."
Davis: I punched a nun once.
Kari: I thought all nuns were like in "Sister Act."
Joe: Nuns are sweet and kind and the guiding light of Christianity heals all!
IL: Joe, have you heard of this little thing called "brainwashing"…
Izzy: Oh no, he wasn’t brainwashed. He was merely injected with this solution that makes you highly susceptible to suggest- er…I mean sure.
(door bangs open, two FBI agents slam through)
Scully: WE’RE FIB AGENTS SCULDER AND MULLY - I mean, er, Scully and Mulder of the FBI -
Mulder: All right young man, come with us. You’re gonna help us solve this X-File by telling us everything you know about this solution. We have reason to believe that this is part of a massive government conspiracy to-
Scully: Mulder. Shut up. This is a routine arrest. They’ve closed the X-Files. For the fourth time.
Mulder: Nevah! I will hunt the paranormal forever!
Scully: Samantha’s outside.
Mulder: OH MY GOD!!! *drops his gun*
Scully: Jesus, Mulder.
Mulder: "Thou shalt not take the name of thy Lord in vain."
Scully: Mulder, you’re Jewish. You follow the same commandments.
Mulder: I AM NOT JEWISH!
Scully: Why is it that you get all touchy every time someone says that?
Mulder: Because I’m tired of being typecast as a Jew because of my name and hair color.
Cody: One should never be ashamed of one’s religion. It is a sacred gift from our ancestors.
Scully: (looks at him really, really carefully) Mulder? This kid is animated. MULDER!
Mulder: She finally noticed. Round of applause, everyone.
Scully: Mulder, I thought I made it clear in Springfield that I don’t like being taken out of the real world to talk to cartoon characters.
Mulder: Oh come on, you didn’t even look at the nice shot of me in a Speedo.
Scully: This isn’t even an X-File! What are you so interested in?
Mulder: (very quickly) TherearereportsthatKarimaybemysister.
Scully: WILL YOU GIVE IT UP WITH THE FREAKIN’ SISTER CHARADE?! You’ve met at least 50 women who claim to be your sister. It’s like searching for the damn Russian princess.
Mulder: Anastasia?
Scully: Yes. And anyway, you FOUND your sister (who’s dead) and if she WERE alive, she’d be in her 30’s!!
Mulder: You found a kid who stayed 7 for 10 years.
Scully: Yeah. AND HE WAS DEAD!
Mulder: *pouting* Not even Diana was this bad after I slept with her.
Matt: Me-ow.
Tai: (coyote howl)
Scully: Don’t MAKE me shoot you.
IL: Okay, Scully, normally you can shoot anyone you want but I really do need to keep these kids alive so I have a job. K?
Scully: No deal.
IL: How ‘bout I tell Deputy Director Kersh about the hundreds of times you’ve broken protocol with a certain agen-
Scully: Bye. *leaves, dragging Mulder after her*
Izzy: And I thought I saw the FBI at its worst when they found out I helped the unibomber- I mean, n/m.
IL: ALL RIGHT! Crash halt everything right now. What HAVE you all really been doing? Matt did you kill Jun?
Matt: WHO TOLD YOU-no. Nope, definitely no.
IL: Are you sure?
Mat: Uh-huh.
IL: Positive?
Matt: No, I do not have the HIV virus.
IL: (exasperated) DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT kill Jun Motimiya on the night of October 31st, 2000?
Matt: Nope.
It definitely wasn’t the 31st.
IL: Allllll right, FINE. Attack Toko?
(a cute, pink shape comes out)
Tokomon: Hello. How are you?
Matt: Fine.
Tokomon: WELL I’M AN ATTACK TOKO! ROAR! (opens its mouth to reveal many rows of extremely sharp teeth, then leaps out over the desk)
DON’T LIE TO SNOWFLAKE THE FBI ATTACK TOKO!
Matt: AHHHHHH!! (runs around the room, screaming insanely) SAVE ME!
TK: Is that my Patamon?
IL: No. It’s your Tokomon, fed some behavior-enhancing drugs, then renamed Snowflake at its request and working as a spy/trained attack animal.
TK: OH, THE HUMANITY!
Kari: What d’you know, now that’s two digimon driven insane.
Agumon: Where’s the bathroom?
IL: Excuse me?
Tai: Oh, Agumon likes poetry only he always needs to use the bathroom so he calls himself a Toilet Poet.
IL: I see. Disturbing…
(Matt is still running around screaming bloody murder. Literally.)
Matt: Bloody murder! Bloody murder!!
IL: Is that a confession or a plea for help?
Matt: PLEA FOR HELP!
IL: Try again.
Matt: CONFESSION!
IL: Snowflake, off.
(Snowflake instantly hides its teeth and giggles as it settles into IL’s lap)
Good, my pretty…*drums her fingers together*
Davis: You look like Mr. Burns when you do that.
Scully's Distant Voice: MR. BURNS?! I’LL KILL HIM FOR IMPERSONATING AN ALIEN AND WASTING MY TIME!
Matt: Little help here…I think I have a punctured lung. Punctured by those teeth.
IL: (huffily) All right, go into the back room.
Matt: Uh-uh. They kill you in the back room. I won’t go!
Tai: Matt. MATT! You stopped pretending to be a dog when we left Calmwood. Remember?
Matt: Oh. Right. Of course.
IL: There’s a mini hospital in the back room.
(Matt peeks through the door. His jaw drops open and he leaps back)
Matt: Like hell there is. I refuse to go!
Tai: You STOPPED being a dog.
Matt: That doesn’t change the fact that there’s a frickin’ --
IL: (huffily) If you’re gonna take all day about it, then go next door and Madame Pomfrey will fix you. (Matt sprints off at top speed; IL chains the door shut)
Tai: Wait, what's in there?
IL: Nothing you need to worry about yet.
Tai: YET?
IL: Exactly.
Sora: So did he or didn’t he kill Jun?
IL: I…don’t know. We’ll catch him later. Izzy, what was that conspiracy thing about?
Izzy: (remains silent)
IL: (huge sigh) Where’s Ken?
Cody: He’s evil. We don’t like Ken. He can’t come in. (bursts into some rock song)
"You keep on knocking but you can’t come in!"
Davis: *smacks Cody upside the head* QUIT SINGIN’!
IL: That’s pretty snotty for being a newbie, Cody.
Cody: I’m not a new bee.
Scully’s Faraway Voice: BEES ARE EVIL!!!
IL: Oi…
Hard as it is, I think I have to ask you a real question about the movie.
Scully: NOTHING happened in the hallway!
IL: The DIGIMON movie. So, Tai…
Tai: Okay, you know when we looked like we were in the Internet? We were not. We took this weed called "Pretty Colors Marijuana", and all of sudden it looked like we were in a computer world with bright lights everywhere. And there was this one mean kid called Bob who kept trying to hit Angelina Constantina and Eliza Jane.
IL: Yeah. He was called Diaboromon.
Tai: No siree, his name was Bob. Maybe you’re thinkin’ of the wrong guy. Bob has horns and looks kind of like a spider…
IL: Yes. Diaboromon.
Matt: That wasn’t Bob, you imbecile.
IL: At least someone remembers-
Matt: That was Ace!
IL: Oy…
Tai: BOB!
Matt: ACE!
Tai: BOB!
Matt: ACE!
Tai: You wanna piece of me?!
Matt: Bring it on. *socks him in the stomach*
Mimi: You looked at me in the bathtub! *wallops him with her purse*
Kari: You tried to make me leave the birthday party before the magician came out! *jumps on him and tries to strangle him*
Cody: Joe, you aren’t going to fight are you? Because you are my hero and that would be immoral and if you did that I don’t know if I could ever talk to you again-
Joe: (ignores him and dives at Tai) YOU INTERRUPTED MY TEST YOU FREAK! *stomps on Tai’s foot*
Snowflake: Interesting tactic. *snickers* By the way, that was Cody who interrupted the test.
Joe: What? Oh yeah. PIPSQUEAK! *lunges at Cody*
Cody: EEEEEEHHH! *squeals like a girl*
Joe: You interrupted my test. If you had left me alone, you all would have died AND I could have finished my test. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU INTERRUPT ME WHEN DAVIS AND KARI AND TK AND YOLEI COULD HAVE DIED?!
Davis: I’ll show you who dies! *slide tackles Joe while TK punches him*
Joe: I thought I shoved you off a bridge!
Davis: Boo. *continues hitting Joe*
IL: Izzy, don’t you have any qualms about Tai?
Izzy: No. Why would I? Wait a second…YOUR MOTHER FED ME POISON! AND THEN YOU KILLED THE COMPUTER CONNECTION! DDDDIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! *grabs all the other kids, hurls them out of the way, then jumps on Tai and gives him about sixteen bruises and cuts before he can blink*
Sora: That's so hot.
Snowflake: (evil chuckle) Hehehe…*rubs little feet together* Such destruction…
IL: I know…all from one innocent question.
(pan around room. Izzy and Matt are maliciously beating Tai while the girls cheer them on and occasionally help by kicking Tai. Davis and TK are whaling on Joe, who is pulling Cody’s hair and insulting his elders and attempting to punch Davis but failing miserably.)
IL: Okay, Snowflake, you ready?
Snowflake: Oh yes. Snowflake, digivolve to…RABID BATPIG!
Rabid Batpig: RABID BOOM BITE! CHOMP! *flaps around the room snapping at everybody until they let go of each other, then reverts to Snowflake form*
IL: Good children.
Tai: Go to hell.
IL: But I don’t LIKE hell. It’s too hot.
Actually, let’s take 10 and get cleaned up.
(5 minutes later, screaming in the hallway is heard again)
IL: NOW what?
(In the hallway, Sora and Mimi are furiously fighting and everybody else is rooting in bloodlust)
Sora: She splashed me!
Mimi: She said my hairstyle was ugly!
Sora: IT IS! It looks like a hideous orange wig!
Izzy: I’m shocked. Sora said something intelligent.
Sora: SHUT UP!
IL: Must I send out Batpig again?
No? Good. Get back in there.
Now that we’re all calm and happy…
(Sora and Mimi are on opposite ends of the room, tightly bound and gagged.)
So, how do you guys like that soundtrack that came out?
Tai: It sucked. What the hell does "funk shore brother" mean?
Matt: You have the lyrics wrong.
Tai: No I don’t.
Izzy: Tai…(he holds up his fist. Tai shuts up)
Matt: Well, you can all congratulate me anytime now.
Davis: Congratulate you for what?
Matt: DU-UH…my songs?
Davis: We already heard your songs.
Matt: No, on the soundtrack! Wasn’t my rendition of "Hey Digimon" awesome?
IL: I was under the impression that Paul Gordon sang that.
Matt: Really? Well it WAS me.
IL: I was also under the impression that you have exactly one original song, a pathetic piece that goes something like, "…it may not always be that way. You can’t take nothing for granted/You gotta live life today/I turn around and I can see what’s behind me/I turn back around, and I can see…" before fading out.
Matt: I sing more after that.
IL: Yeah, sure you do.
Matt: I do!
IL: I agreed with you.
Matt: Yeah, but in a weird, twisted, way…oh, I give up.
Snowflake: (evilly) Good. I like it when their spirits are broken.
TK: Tokomon…what’s wrong with you? Don’t you remember me??
Snowflake: I am Snowflake The Attack Toko now!
TK: Tokomon!
Snowflake: Takeru!
TK: DON’T CALL ME THAT!
Snowflake: Then don’t call me Tokomon! I have a better name now! Mwuhahahaha!
Kari: TK. Give it up. The Tokomon is gone.
TK: I won’t accept that.
Kari: *slaps him across the face* IT’S GONE!
TK: Maaaattt, she slapped me!
Matt: So slap her back.
IL: I wouldn’t do that…that’s an arrestable offense.
Yolei: Do it! They can’t give you a worse punishment than being stuck in here!
IL: Unless you think this is worse than being locked in a room with a rabid Patamon.
TK: I’ll be good.
IL: Guess what, for the first time ever I’m going to break our show for a half hour lunch. Sound good?
Tai: Off camera?
IL: Yep. (crosses fingers behind her back, then snaps on hidden cameras)
All: WOOHOO! *Sora and Mimi wiggle out of ropes and pull off gags*
Kari: Let’s order out. I want pizza.
Hawk, Armadillo, and Veemon: CANDY!
Gatomon’s Muffled Voice (locked inside a box as she’s not mentally sound): DOG EYES.
Snowflake: I must admit, you are pigs, non? I, however, have taste. I will take a seafood platter with a little wine on the side.
Matt: Oooh, are you going to be an obnoxious jerk like I was when I ordered that??
Snowflake: Shut your mouth, insolent human. Or I shall shred it with my many teeth.
Tai: I want sushi.
Cody: "I especially like the sushi ‘cause it never touched the frying pan."
Matt: QUIT singing. And that’s MY song. I sing it on the soundtrack.
IL: BNL sings that.
Matt: Gimme a hamburger and fries and I’ll forget about it.
Sora: I hope you’re eternally haunted by the soul of the poor dead cow that suffered a horrible death to feed you.
Matt: You ordered a hamburger too!
Sora: I didn’t say I planned to be haunted. I just want YOU to be.
TK: Slim Fast Milkshake.
Davis: Split pea soup.
(all look at him)
You heard me.
Yolei: Chocolate covered rice balls.
Mimi: I’ll have…half a radish please.
IL: Half a radish?
Mimi: Duh, I’m a model. I can’t eat more than 5 ounces of food a day.
IL: HOLD ON! We can only order from one restaurant. McDonald’s or Pizza Hut?
TK, Sora, Yolei, Matt, Cody: MCDONALD’S!
Davis, Izzy, Kari, Tai, Joe: PIZZA HUT!
TK, Sora, Yolei, Matt, Cody: MCDONALD’S!
Davis, Izzy, Kari, Tai, Joe: PIZZA HUT!
(Mimi: Obviously I don’t care, because I have my lunch in my purse.)
All: DIEEEE!!! (a 5-way brawl ensues: TK fighting Davis, Joe punching Cody, Matt and Tai strangling each other, Kari pulling Yolei’s hair, and Sora kicking Izzy because he beat up Tai more than she did)
IL: ALL RIGHT! Snowflake, you can still have seafood. Everybody else will go with Snowflake’s decision.
Snowflake: Hmm…Joe beat up Cody: 1 point pizza. Sora beat Izzy. 1 point burgers. Tiebreaker…Kari pulled Yolei’s hair. You will all eat pizza.
Davis: I WANT SPLIT PEA SOUP!
Snowflake: (ominously) You will eat pizza or you will eat filleted Veemon.
Davis: …Okay, how much will the filleted Veemon cost me?
Veemon: YOU FREAK! *turns into yet another weird form; blue with white hair in a human shape*
I AM MERLINMON!
Davis: Just kidding…
Merlinmon: I TURN THEE INTO…VEEMON!
Davis The Veemon: Oh crud.
Merlinmon: We will now eat filleted Veemon!
Davis The Veemon: OH CRUD! *runs out the door, shrieking*
IL: Snowflake? Turn into Batpig and bring him back.
Snowflake: Oui. *flaps out*
*comes back in with Davis The Veemon and food*
BATPIG! Da-na nanananananana da-na nananananana BATPIG!
(Kids dive on the food and cram it into their mouths)
IL: Those are really bad manners.
Agumon (from bathroom): Think about it! Think about every time you’ve seen them eat. Have they ever eaten without spraying crumbs everywhere?
IL: Admittedly…no.
Agumon: OK then.
IL: Are we done? We need to go back on air.
All: Yes…
IL: In 3 minutes…they’re done. SAD.
Davis The Veemon: Can I be Davis again?
Merlinmon: No. *locks him in a cage*
Davis The Veemon: Aw, crud.
IL: ON AIR.
Tai: Yip-pee.
Cody: Would you like me to sing something?
IL: NO.
Cody: Joyyyy…to the world. All the boys and girls! Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me.
Davis: (smacks him upside the head) DON’T SING.
Cody: Stop smacking me.
Davis: No.
Scully’s Faraway Voice: THAT’S MY SONG! ONLY I CAN SING THAT SONG!
Kids: ?
IL: You don’t wanna know.
Kari: I wanna know.
IL: You DON’T wanna know…
Scully: I SING THAT SONG WHEN I’M CAMPING!
IL: She means when they’re stuck in the woods on the West coast at night and she has failed miserably in her attempts to light a fire without matches and Mulder’s in shock so she decides to break protocol.
Scully: I DID NOT BREAK PROTOCOL! That time.
IL: I’m this close to sending Batpig to shut her up, I really am. Well, what else is there to talk about?
Tai: *yawns* Let’s all take naps.
Cody: *slaps him upside the head*
Tai: What the hell was that for?
IL: You’re getting as bad as Our Little Sailor.
Cody: I wanted to slap Davis. I thought you were him.
Tai: I AM NOT DAVIS!
Merlinmon: Okay, Davis, you can be a kid again. *turns him back and reverts to Veemon*
Davis: Thank you! Thank you, o Great And Wondrous Veemon.
Veemon: Hehehe.
Davis: Do I look like Tai? Really?
Matt: NO! You have SMALL hair Davis. SMALL! If you wish to be cool you must have BIG hair like Tai!
Veemon: Why don’t you stretch his hair out Matt?
Matt: OKAY! *grabs Davis’ hair and yanks it up* Stretch, damn you, stretch! Get bigger!
Davis: OWWEEEEE!!!!!
IL: ALL RIGHT. How is that aside from Matt’s punctured lung we’ve had nothing but a few fistfights?
Tai: FISTFIGHTS?! (He has two black eyes, a split lip, a deep gouge on his arm, cuts all over his face, and bruises on his back.)
IL: Okay, so Tai got mauled. Hey, let’s talk about your current adventures. How are you doing?
Davis: There’s a freaky witch woman running around turning control spires into evil things with a strand of her messed up magic hair.
IL: True. So, how are you likin’ that?
TK: Uh, freaky witch woman? How do you THINK we like it?
IL: I’d say it looks like more fun than fighting a mentally disturbed teenager, but it’s your call.
Kari: This is boring. Where’d that devilishly handsome FBI agent go?
Tai: KARI! Pretty soon people are gonna add a 4-letter word in front of "bunny" to describe you.
Kari: Tai. Listen carefully. SHUT_THE_HELL_UP! Now, you didn’t answer my question.
(Agents come through the door)
IL: Batpig!
Mulder: I’m telling you, I SAW the Cigarette Smoking Man back from the dead.
Scully: No - god - damn - comment.
Mulder: Hey Scully, wanna bet that my life is more screwed up than yours?
Scully: Mulder, after working with you for 7 years my life became more screwed up than anyone’s.
Mulder: Oh no. My life was screwed up first.
IL: Hold the Batpig, this could get good.
Snowflake: (grinning) Lover’s tiff.
Kids: Boring…
Scully: Oh yeah?! My sister was killed because the assassin thought it was me. My father is dead. The girl supposedly my daughter is dead. My dog is dead-
Mulder: You had a dog?
Scully: (icily). Yes. It was a Pomeranian named Queequeg. It died because I had to bring it on one of your frickin’ monster cases.
Mulder: Oh yeah? Well my sister is either part alien, dead, cloned, or lives in Japan, and my dad’s dead, and my mom killed herself - so I have no family left - and I went insane and was later abducted by aliens who tortured me. OH, did I mention that I had visions of a kid on a beach making spaceships out of sand while the Cigarette Smoking Man performed brain surgery on me?
Scully: (not to be outdone) Oh yeah?! Well I got abducted by somethin’ or other which gave me cancer and left me barren. Yet somehow I wound up pregnant again. I have this ugly freak named Doggett trailing me who keeps insisting I owe him big time because he saved my life. Oh yeah and I got stung by a bee carrying a virus and wound up in Antarctica on a spaceship a couple years ago, in a goo-pod with a tube down my throat, where I stopped breathing at one point. I am also apparently able to speak with divine beings, be it the Christian God or in a Buddhist temple or Native American spirits or ancient African spirits.
Mulder: My parents named me Fox.
Scully: My dad called me Starbuck. Starbuck!
Mulder: You freakin’ called him Ahab!
Scully: He reminded me of Ahab.
Mulder: I got bitten by about a hundred rattlesnakes and survived.
Scully: A man in a coma in Arizona somehow wound up in my D.C. apartment praying with me the night before he died.
Mulder: May I remind you - I dated Diana Fowley.
Scully: Ouch. You just clinched the win.
Matt: THAT beats everything? Aliens and conspiracies and death and the paranormal and a WOMAN beats everything? That’s just pathetic.
IL: Matt - You can leap into a pit of poisonous snakes or marry Jun. What do you choose?
Matt: (instantly) Snakes.
IL: OK then.
I’m out of material.
Cody: But we’ve only been here for 3 hou-
Tai: (drags him off) Oh, that’s okay, I’m sure our time’s up so can we go now?
IL: No. I haven’t heard anything good yet, so how bout we discuss how many ways there are to break protocol and how many ways Scully’s -
Scully: HEY, hey, um, anybody here have a non-fat to-frutti rice Dreamsicle?
Davis: A Toe Footy What-The-Hell?
Mulder: Ice cream.
Scully: It’s not ice cream.
Mulder: It is.
Sora: HEY! You haven’t had anybody call in yet!
IL: DUDE, I haven’t! Let’s hit the phone lines!
Tai: Thanks, Sora.
Sora: It's better than having her talk to us.
But um, why hasn’t Izzy said anything for the last hour?
Izzy: Shut up. I’m trying to create cold fusion.
IL: Uhhhh….huh. Okay. Shall we do a public poll or private conversations?
*phone lines light up*
I didn’t ask you to call in yet.
*phone lines stay lit*
HANG UP YOUR DAMN PHONES!
*lights slowly shut off*
That’s better. I have decided to do some private phone conversations.
Yolei: MIKE ARNEY! PROFESSOR MIKE ARNEY!
IL: This the same Mr. Arney of the dark-sucking light bulbs and the violence-solves-90%-of-your-problems?
Yolei: Heck yes.
IL: Okay. Our friends at AT&T will get us on the line…
Tai: I hear Regis say that enough. Don’t YOU start.
IL: Again, just WHERE do you tune into an American game show in Japan -
Mr. Arney: Hello?
IL: Oh hello! This is the interview afternoon on IFFI televised radio broadcasts.
Mr. Arney: Oooh! Is this one of those shows where if I answer a question right I win a million dollars?
IL: No. I have a couple of your students here and we all decided it’d be fun to talk to you.
Arney: Who?
IL: Yolei and TK and Davis.
Arney: Whoopee.
Cody: Tell us one of those funny stories!
Arney: Umm…
IL: Or launch right into physics.
Arney: Hey, that reminds me. You wanna hear a story?
(kids look like he’s nuts)
Sora: I guess so.
Arney: Okay. So I’m goin’ home from work one day. And my wife asks me to pick up some milk and bread, so I’m going into the store to buy it. And this freaky lady keeps LOOKIN’ at me! So finally I turn around and go, "What are you looking at?" And the lady goes, "You know it’s amazing, but you look just like my son who died 3 years ago."
So I’m looking at her like maybe she’s a little nutty, and then she asks if I’ll say, "Hi Mom." So I like, look around, and nobody’s there, so I say it. And then, she’s right in front of me in the checkout line, so I don’t think much about it.
IL: And then what happens?
Arney: So I’m paying for it, and the cashier says it’s like 120 flippin’ dollars! So I’m like, "That’s kinda pricy for milk and bread!" And she goes, "Oh, your mom said you’d pay for all the groceries." And I look, and there’s this old lady gettin’ into her car ready to drive away! So, I like, run out there yelling, "HEY! HEY! STOP, THIEF!"
So then I…GRAB her, and she keeps trying to get away, so I’m like pulling her leg, and I’m yanking it and I’m pulling it -
(everyone sits, amazed)
Arney: -just like I’m pullin’ yours now.
Sora: Ohhhhhhh…that was stupid!
Arney: IT FLIPPIN’ WAS NOT!
Hey, has anyone here heard of a great Greek philosopher? He was best known for his ideas on um…sitting down. His name was Siturasis Doune.
Davis: *holding up a meterstick* Hey TK, you think I could break this over my head?
TK: I don’t care what you do. But I bet you can’t. *grins evilly*
Davis: Bet I can! Watch! *tries to crack it over his head* OW! OW, OW, OUCH! (stick is unbroken) OOH that stings!
Arney: Did you just try to break a meterstick over your head?
Davis: No.
Arney: Refer to another great Greek philosopher, Dipshitticus Maximus.
Davis: What did he do?
Arney: He tried to break a stick over his head.
IL: Riiight…
Arney: I am befuddled at times, and this is one of them…remind me again why I’m on the phone.
IL: Don’t ask. Talk.
Arney: Hey, I’m gonna do an experiment to see how particles fit into one another. Remember, all matter must be thought of as little, jiggling…balls. Jiggling balls, jiggling balls!
Tai: I feel ill…
Arney: JIGGLING BALLS!
Cody: *sings to the tune of the Jigglypuff song* "Ji-ga-lee-ing balls, ji-ga-lee-ee-ing balls…"
Arney: Uh…okay. Now, well, middle schoolers are kinda stupid, you know…
Davis: HEY!
Matt: Keep talking.
Arney: If I asked them to mix 25 ml of water and 25 ml of sand, and put it in a beaker, what number will they say it would go up to?
Kari: Well, you take 25+25, and that’d be 50. Duh.
Arney: Nuh-uh, ‘cause the sand and water mix and it’s only about…well 45 ml right now but it’ll keep going down until it’s about 25 or 26 ml.
Okay, now I need some alky-hall…crap I spilled it…no I didn’t.
Sora: Are you sure?
Arney: Yep. No alky-hall on the floor. Probably some in Yolei’s bag, but not the floor. Aw, forget it. New experiment. I have something very special in this bag…special, science…BUBOO! stuff.
Mimi: "Buboo" stuff?
Arney: Yes. I will pour some into this dish and blow bubbles and see if we can make square bubbles.
Davis: You can’t.
Arney: SHUT UP! You will pretend to believe I can make square bubbles.
IL: Hey, Cameraman, how long does it take to find this Arney guy?
*camera finally opens up to Arney*
Arney: *sarcastically* Oh thank you, I feel so much more confident on camera.
IL: Welcome.
Arney: *attempts to pull out bubble stuff with a metal ring. The bubble pops*
Okay, we’ll try something else…*goes through 5 or 6 more items, all failing*
Arney: Please understand that I KNOW how to blow bubbles.
Davis: Sure you do.
Matt: Try your ring.
Arney: *impatiently dipping his wedding ring into the mixture and continuing to fail*
Mimi: Is that your wedding ring??
Arney: (defensively) IT WAS MATT’S IDEA! *still failing*
Okay, kid, that was a really stupid idea.
Yolei: Take, like, a piece of string and dip it in.
(this method, at long last, works)
Arney: Yolei, that was 1 THOUSAND times better than Matt’s stupid wedding ring idea.
Matt: He’s insulting me! Izzy! Go beat him up!
Izzy: I only injure Tai.
IL: So, um, what is the point of this experiment?
Arney: There WAS a point. I just forgot it.
Davis: So, did you ever finish grading our tests?
Arney: No.
Davis: You had the whole winter break to finish!
Arney: What did YOU do over break?
Davis: I did homework.
Arney: You lying sack of fecal matter.
Davis: He swore at me!
IL: Davis, everyone swears at you. You swear at everyone. What’s the difference?
Arney: Okay, you know how chemical compounds are, where like if you have sodium chloride it’s written NaCl?
Sora: What’s sodium chloride?
Yolei: Table salt.
Sora: Yeah right.
Arney: Shut up for a second, okay? Well, wanna know what my favorite one is?
I like iron chloride. ‘Cause then it’s written like "FeCl", and then it’s like I get to say "fecal" and then I’m like, "Hee, hee, hee."
Tai: By any chance, were you fired as a comedian?
Arney: No, actually, the reason I teach physical science and chemistry is ‘cause, like, when I was in college I was takin’ these really advanced science classes (where there’s like 5 people in it ‘cause it’s so hard), and I was like, "Dude… I don’t get it." But I got the other stuff so I was like, "Say, I think I will teach this to other people" so like I did.
TK: Oh, that made so much sense.
Arney: Hey, do any of you have a nickname? I have a nickname.
TK: Sure - Mr. Evil.
Arney: MY NAME IS MR. SUNSHINE!!
Cody: My name is Dances With Food, I think. But I would like to change it. Can I change it?
IL: You change your name every time you go on the air.
Izzy: You know what’s easier? Here, you can go on my computer and get a screen name.
(Cody turns on the computer. A picture of Joe appears)
Izzy: AH! *smacks the enter button to quit the start-up*
Joe: Why the hell am I on your computer screen?
Tai: HAH! HAH! I HAVE something on the Jyoushir-
Izzy: DIEE!! *swings at Tai, soundly breaking his nose* WHO ELSE WANTS A PIECE OF ME?!
Matt: Note to self - don’t piss Izzy off.
Tai: MY NOSE IS BROKEN AND IT’S BLEEDING! I DEMAND A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST KOUSHIRO IZUMI!
IL: Well, you don’t get it.
Arney: SIT DOWN, shut your mouths, and pretend to be human beings for a while.
IL; Thank you.
Izzy: I get it now! If I take out Interview Lady, all will be right with the world! *starts towards IL*
IL: Izzy, aren’t you forgetting something? (Snowflake jumps onto the desk. Izzy’s hand goes straight into his mouth. Snowflake begins gnawing on Izzy’s hand, smacking its lips and grunting like a dog with a bone)
Snowflake: Yummy…*slurp*
Izzy: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!! OUCHIE BOOBOO!!
Tai: "Ouchie booboo"? What a freakish child.
Izzy: You…you…STUPID UGLY-FACED PISSWORM!
Tai: CLAY-BRAINED LOUSE!
Izzy: PEEVISH HEDGE-PIG!
Tai: TALLOW-FACE!
Izzy: GREEN-SICKNESS CARRION!
Tai: Oh that’s it, I’ll kill you.
Insane Gatomon (escaped from her iron box): GATOMON IS HUNGRY…GATOMON WILL EAT.
Tai and Izzy: AHHHHHH!!!! (Tai and Izzy run out the door with insane Gatomon on their heels)
Kari: Remind me again when the Digimon began eating human flesh.
TK: Gatomon went nuts when you left her at the shelter and my Patamon - Batpig - was given drugs and now works for the FBI and Interview Lady.
Kari: Oh yeah. I wonder who’s gonna snap next.
Arney: So, like, you want me to say anything else or can I go now?
IL: Oh…I guess you could get off the phone. You see? You see why I need 5 hours? They are perfectly incapable of staying on one subject for more than 2 minutes without getting into an argument.
Arney: Umm…I’m gonna leave now. Bye.
IL: Buh-bye…
(door opens and the guards dump Tai and Izzy back in)
IL: I’ll ask you one more time. Are you going to be good little children and get along?
Tai: Hell no.
IL: OK, you asked for it. Straitjackets! (guards strap straitjackets on)
Tai: Why do I need one?! Izzy’s the violent psycho!
(IL ignores him)
IL: Do we have anything left to talk about?
Yolei: Yes. The murder case.
IL: Oh, that’s right! Matt, I know you killed Jun. Tell us all the gritty details. Or I’ll sic Snowflake on you again.
Matt: Okay…well, it was a dark and stormy night…
Gabumon: It was broad daylight and the sun was shining.
Mimi: And…
Matt: Well anyway, she bounced up to me and she was like, "Mattsy, I heard you were in a band! I’m gonna be the lead singer, okay?" and suddenly something inside me just snapped. So I grabbed a club…*shrugs* then I hit her over the head with it, and down she went!
Davis: COOL!
Kari: *laughing herself into fits* You - snort - I can just see you knocking her over the head - heehee - HAHAHA!
Matt: Pretty funny huh.
IL: See, that’s all I wanted to know.
TK: I wanna know when we get to talk to Natalie.
Cody: Let’s have a singing contest first.
Tai: Oooh! I know some more fun songs. *sings to the tune of Yellow Submarine*
"We all jump through a digital machine, a digital machine, a digital machine…"
Matt: SHUT UP! I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REALLY SING!
Cody: Nuh-uh I’m a better singer!
Kari: "Oops, it happened again. Got asked to be queen. But I’m just too mean!"
Matt: You know, Kari, YOU could sing the original version of that song and it would fit you nicely. Especially the part about, "I’m not that innocent…"
Tai: I realize I should be punching you now. However, since I think I have a previously unnoticed broken arm, I’m going to let it pass for the moment. Where’s that stupid Agumon when you need it?
Agumon’s Distant Voice: In the bathroom…
Tai: Figures.
TK: *sings to the tune of the latest pokémon theme song* "It was a whole new world we went to… couldn’t digivolve.
Ichijouji went to be a master, Ichijouji went to make the kill. Ichijouji went to Spiral Mountain, of destruction couldn’t get his fill."
Davis: (taking over) "Each time - we tried - Ken got just a little bit better. Each time - we’d cry - and Ken got bigger, mean and madder…"
TK: "It was a whole new world we went to…there was a new Creep on the scene…He was a whole new type - with a punk-assed attitude - but we still got to kick his butt …and fix the world for you and me (Armor Digivolve!).
Davis: "It was a whole new world we went to - but we still got to kick some butt - and save the world for you and me.
TK: "Armor digivolve…ARMOR DIGIVOLVE!"
IL: OK, nice singing, all, but now we’re going to call up Natalie, and talk to her.
Hello, is this Natalie?
Nat: Yeah. You got a problem with me?
IL: Umm…no…
Nat: Then why did you call me?
IL: ‘Cause we wanted to talk to you.
Matt: I’m sure you want to talk to me. I’m the cutest guy in the world. All girls love me.
Tai: Actually, it’s just the skanky Jun Beast who loves you.
Nat: Is that Matt Ishada?
Matt: IT’S ISHIDA, DAMMIT! I-S-H-I-D-A! WHAT THE HELL IS SO HARD ABOUT PRONOUNCING MATT ISHIDA?!
Izzy: You’re *sure* girls love you?
Nat: Like I give a flying flip.
IL: You’re weirdly cranky today.
Nat: It’s part of my natural charm.
IL: True. I’d forgotten that.
Nat: So, what are we going to talk about?
IL: Well…um…I don’t know. The kids do. They each get to ask you a question!
Mimi: Do you like my hair style?
Nat: It’s pretty good. But you know what’s REALLY cool in America? Dye your hair bright green and purple in 3-foot spikes.
Mimi: COOL! I’M GONNA BE POPULAR! *runs off to have her hair dyed*
IL: Hey, were you listening earlier?
Nat: Yeah, I heard some of the nun stories but then turned it off. When I tuned in again, Izzy had just broken Tai’s nose.
Tai: Don’t you think I should get a restraining order against Izzy - OW!!!
(Izzy has just hit him over the head with a stool)
Izzy: Life sucks, then you die.
Matt: Do you hate Jun?
Nat: No.
Matt: Damn.
Are you sure?
Nat: Yes.
Matt: But our names rhyme! We must be star-crossed lovers!
Nat: OK, who gave them a copy of Romeo And Juliet?
Joe: (hurriedly stuffs copies out of sight) I dunno…
IL: Do you have a nun story?
Nat: No. I do not. Hey, how come Joe was the one who turned Catholic? Wasn’t he the one dutifully chanting those Buddhist…whatevers…to weaken the Bakemon?
Sora: They were MIND-OVER-MATTER chants!
Izzy: I thought we explained this. He was injected with that solution.
Nat: I don’t understand that.
IL: Suffice to say it was another pointless case Agent Mulder was chasing.
Nat: Huh.
IL: Forget it.
Nat: Wanna hear a joke?
Sora: No.
Nat: The reason the Red Sox will-
Sora: I SAID, no.
Nat: -beat the White Sox is-
Sora: SHUT the #^*& up!
IL: Yippee! Apparently, the beeping button works enough for us to blank out "#^*&"!
Davis: Damn. Oh good, it doesn’t beep out "damn."
IL: Don’t abuse the beeping machine.
Nat: -that the Red Sox look-
Sora: DO YOU WANT ME TO SEND MY BIRD DRAGON OVER THERE?!
Nat: Bring it on.
Sora: Okay. Where’s that orange sack of flames when you need it?
Insane Gatomon: I ate it.
Sora: You didn’t.
(Gatomon opens her mouth to reveal a couple orange feathers)
Sora: You ^$#(&*$@#@^&^%$#!#@!^^%$@$#@$!!! You stole my best weapon.
(IL: It worked some more!)
Yolei: Weren’t you the one that told me over time my digimon and I would only become closer and closer (or something to that extent)?
Sora: Oh, that was just a lie.
Nat: Hey, doesn’t anybody want to talk to ME?
Matt: Not particularly, Nit.
Nat: NAT!
Matt: HAH! How do YOU like it when people mix up a with i ?
Davis: Her name sounds like a bug either way.
Nat: Well, aren’t you named after like Davis Home Security Systems? And Cody! That’s a dog’s name! And Sora is a weird imitation of Sara, and Mimi is also a dog’s name, and I don’t know any normal people named Tai, except there’s some martial art called taichi. Then there’s Ken The Barbie Doll, and Izzy is just a freakish child’s tweaked last name, and then there’s Joe. Joe is like a trucker’s name.
Joe: SHUT UP!
IL: I hate to say it, but it IS getting late…
Cody: Oh no! If I am late to dinner I shall be eternally dishonored!
Nat: I didn’t get to say anything worthwhile!
IL: Do you ever?
Nat: Of course I…ooooh, you jerk.
Yolei: YES! OUT of this hell hole, I will be SO happy when we escape at last…
(Doggett and Fowley come through the door, followed by Mulder and Scully)
Mulder: WHAT THE HELL?! Scully, you said Diana was dead!
Scully: I left her bleeding from 17 stab wounds! She SHOULD be dead! Oops, I mean…
Doggett: I am John Doggett the Manly Man.
Scully: Why do you say that to everybody you meet?
Doggett: Because bragging is manly.
Scully: Uh-huh…
Doggett: I am so manly. I was a Marine plus I worked on the NYPD. I am the ultimate good cop.
Mulder: So Diana would be the bad cop in that sick and twisted scenario?
Fowley: But Fox, I love you!
Mulder: Oh yeah, I always surrender the people I love to the care of evil masterminds who perform brain surgery on them for purposes of assorted alien-related evil.
Fowley: Can’t we work past that?
Doggett: Hey! Hey! Manly Man about to make an arrest here. WATCH ME!!
The children in this room are hereby charged with the following crimes. Scully, read them their rights.
Scully: "You have the right to remain silent-"
Doggett: No, no, no. You have to READ it off the little card. READ! If you don’t read it and you miss one little word you are in terrible trouble. We must follow all rules to the letter. That’s how come I’m such a good cop.
Scully: Agent, "hereby" was a pretty big word. Are you sure you can handle it?
Doggett: MATT ISHIDA - 2nd degree murder.
Matt: Dammit. I knew I shouldn’t have said that on the radio.
Doggett: Koushiro Izumi - Massive government conspiracy, hacking into U.S. government files, creation of nuclear weapons…dang, this list goes on for 2 pages. You’re a busy little freshman, aren’t you?
Izzy: One might say that.
Fowley: Sora Takenouchi - Animal abuse for throwing a turtledove out the window.
Sora: IT WAS A BIRD! BIRDS FLY!
Fowley: Hey! Hey! Do you see my last name? I have compassion for birds.
Mulder: Really? And dogs too, I suppose?
Tai: You know, those 2 freaky agents -
Kari: Mulder and Scully?
Tai: No, the new freaky agents - they belong together. They kinda remind me of Medusa and the Minotaur, you know?
Matt: Hey, have you ever stopped to consider that in order to create a Minotaur, some woman would have had to, in a drunken state, slept with a bull?
Izzy: PER-vert…
Gabumon: That is not how Minotauromon was created.
Matt: *stares at him* There’s NOT a Minotauromon.
Gabumon: There is.
TK: OH THE HUMANITY!
Fowley: TAICHI KAMIYA - Illegal drug use and possession.
Tai: NO! YOU CAN’T HAVE MY PRETTY COLORS MARIJUANA!
Fowley: And, all others, violent public fighting.
Kari: That’s not a crime.
Mulder: Umm…it’s a new law. Hot off the presses.
Kari: Aww…you don’t wanna put ME in jail…*bats eyelashes*
Mulder: I see…*grins*
Scully: MULDER! *slaps him* SHE’S 12 YEARS OLD!
Mulder: Ouch…
Nat: This is really, really, interesting. But I gotta go now…bye-bye. *hangs up*
(Kids are marched back out into the patrol cars)
IL: I find it very ironic that you’re leaving the same way you came.
Cody: I’ll have you know I believe you are using the ending of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" without express written consent. YOU should be in here with us.
Mulder: In the car, kid.
TK: OH THE HUMANITY!
Doggett: Just keep waiving that right to be silent.
TK: OH THE -
Doggett: See, each time you say that copyrighted phrase I get to add 5 years to your jail time.
Davis: Okay, maybe this a stupid question, but since the oldest one here is only 17, how are you going to put us in jail?
Fowley: Juvenile prison. Then, red tape, waiting for a judge, the fact that everyone hates Mulder and Scully and therefore will ignore their court case for a long time, it’ll be about 6 years by the time we actually get to convict you and move you to a real prison.
Kari: So will all bail ourselves out and live it up for 6 years.
Fowley: Bail is $600,000.
Kari: I got paid $6 million last time I went on Interview Lady.
IL: In Digi Dollars.
Kari: DAMMIT!
IL: Bye bye everybody.
(cars drive off)
(voices in the distance)
Cody: NOOOOOOO!!!! MY SOUL SHALL BE ETERNALLY DAMNED!!!!!!!!
Davis: *smacks him upside the head for the 8th time* SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!
Tai: *sings* "100 Interview Lady heads on the wall, 100 Interview Lady heads…you make some art, hack one apart, 99 Interview Lady heads on the wall!"
IL: *dusts hands off* Well, this concludes another session with Interview Lady. I’m sorry that they can’t ever just leave the studio quietly. I really am. Oh well.
Snowflake: Oops, I fell asleep. Dang. Is everybody gone?
IL: ‘Fraid so. Well, I think Insane Gatomon is still here somewhere in her iron box, but that’s it. Why don’t you come with me, and we’ll watch the tapes from today’s story?
Snowflake: Cool.
(IL and Snowflake go back into the building. From beneath a parked car, 2 glowing pink eyes appear…waiting…)
THE END
[Cody’s Note: IT IS NOT THE END! OH, THE…SINFULNESS OF IT ALL! WHAT A SHODDY RIP-OFF FROM THE ENDING OF "DETOUR" IN THE X-FILES!
Doggett: O-kay, that’s your one phone call, back in the jail cell you go.
Cody: Noooooo…my eternally damned soul….]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Thank You To:
1. Claire’s (now defunct?) website, The Lost Temple of Ishida. It was the funniest Matt site on the web, and is where I borrowed the ideas of a sassy Tokomon (she has Fluffy), hentai-lovin’ Izzy, knocking Jun over the head (“Then I hit her over the head with it, and down she went!” = caption quote), Davis’ small hair which must be stretched, and Agumon the Toilet Poet.
2. My Communications classroom, where we had the lively discussion about nuns and the Communistic convents…all literal class quotes.
3. Shakespeare, for his lovely play Romeo and Juliet, providing us with many a good insult. And thanks to John G. for “stupid ugly-faced pissworm.”
4. Disney and Pixar and their most excellent film “Toy Story.”
B: You’re mocking me, aren’t you.
W: Oh no, no, nonononono BUZZ LOOK AN ALIEN!
B: WHERE?
W: (laughs himself into fits)
5. We must thank Snowflake for co-hosting the show.
6. Simpsons for use of…oh, we didn’t use Calmwood, did we? But we did reference their crossover episode with The X-Files a time or three.
7. Mr. Arney, my science teacher, as most of his lines here are direct quotes. Including the Greek professors, jiggling balls, "You lying sack of fecal matter," "FeCl", all bubble-blowing attempts, the stupid middle schoolers, and "MY NAME IS MR. SUNSHINE!"
8. Nat, for…um…coming in my story despite the fact that I didn’t include the one thing I told her I was going to include (the joke Sora wouldn’t let her finish).
9. Seinfeld for the "OH THE HUMANITY" line (which actually was from the Hindenburg, but hey).
10. The X-Files, Chris Carter, his evil minions, his fool FIB agents…
11. HOLY DRAGON MONSTERS, I nearly forgot to thank Saban and Toei and Bandai and whatever other screwed up companies own Digimon and its characters. Cody’s gonna kick me for that one.
[Cody’s Distant Voice: I WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT LAST TIME! DIDN’T I WARN YOU?! YOU TWISTED FREAK!
Guard: Okay, that’s your 4th warning. Give him the tranquilizer injection.
Cody: NO!! Ooooh…pretty colors…]
Final End Notes: Time to write story: 18 days
Date completed: January 15, 2001
Snowflake’s Role Model: Fluffy
Snowflake’s Other Names: Killswitch 1013 (Oh, NOW who’s being clever with in-jokes?), Attack Toko, Many Fangs, and Satan.