Okay, I wrote this story between May and August 2000. Since the writing of this story, I have done 3 other versions and a 5th is in progress (as of late Feb./early March 2001). If you didn’t like this story much (and maybe it’s just my jaded opinion because I think my stories are getting better), the later versions should change your mind. When I first wrote this one, I had no further plans to write any more, but they were so fun to start while I was bored!
Just to let you know, I have varied interests so my stories often briefly cross into other shows or books for added jokes. The stories are separate stories; except for this first one which has 2 chapters they are NOT just chapters, they are stories in a series. Each one is different enough to be a new story but later versions draw on events from other stories. That said, please enjoy my first interview story...
Digimon and Pokemon are not owned by me but are fun to use in humorous creations.
This "story" is dedicated to Kassey Fleck, age 14. She died from complications following the removal of an 8-pound tumor early July 2000. My story idea began in May, after watching her perform "Happy Storytime Lady," a skit in the Creative Expressions play which she wrote herself. We weren’t really friends, but I had almost all our classes together that year, I shared a room with her on the D.C. trip, and this is my tribute to her humor.
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Hi everyone. This is Interview Lady on Happy Interview Lady’s Interview Hour. It’s a televised radio program. Yes, you heard right. It’s on the radio right now, so that you can listen in your car. Or, if you’re at home, stay tuned for exclusive camera shots. Future interviews are scheduled for the Animorphs and also some Pokemon trainers, but today it’s the Digi Destined with a small appearance by Ash before I decided he was corrupting the other kids. The characters are from Season 1 until I state otherwise.
Day 1:
Interview Lady: Yo-
Matt: *muttering under his breath* Did she just say "yo"? This is gonna suck.
IL: Today we have a special treat. 12 kids, all from Japan, with different views on the animal kingdom. Say hello to the trainers on POKEMON and the DIGI DESTINED from the Digiworld!!
Track: *clapping sounds*
IL: To start with, I’m going to ask the leaders a simple question. Ash, Tai? What’s it like having to lead kids your own age?
Ash: *reading Misty’s cue cards* That’s not my name. My REAL name is Ashley, because I was really a girl at birth - HEY!
IL: K. So, Ashley, what’s it like?
Ash: *falls over, anime style*
Tai: Getting back to the question. It’s really rather difficult. I mean, I have to not only save my own skin, but also look after 7 other kids, several of them younger than me. Not to mention our digimon!
Matt: *smugly* You know, Tai, I’m always ready to step in if you can’t handle it. I mean, MY little sibling isn’t collapsing with a fever…
Tai: *grabs him by the collar* WHERE’D YOU HEAR ABOUT THAT?! YOU WERE OFF BROODING WHILE I WAS RISKING MY NECK TO BEAT MACHINEDRAMON!
Matt: I WAS OFF KILLING PUPPETMON, BIGHEAD! *start fighting*
IL: *sigh* This is not going well…
Brock: They remind me of Misty and her sisters.
Misty: Take that back, you dateless, hormone-crazed…pedophile!
Pikachu: KACHU!! *sparks*
Digi Destined: *turn slowly around to look at it*
Matt: WHAA…what the heck kind of digimon is that??
TK: I’m scared! Mommy!
Tai: Back away…Agumon’s ready to digivolve and fight - right? *looks around*
Agumon: Umm…no. *hides behind Tai’s legs*
Ash: It’s a Pikachu. And don’t make it mad…
Gomamon: A Pikachumon?
Ash: No, it’s a Pikachu…DID THAT THING JUST TALK??
Joe: Umm…of course.
Ash: YOU WORK WITH TEAM ROCKET!! DON’T TOUCH MY PIKACHU!!
Pikachu: PI-KA-CHU!!! *shocks everybody*
IL: MANGY RODENT! Get it out, get it OUT! *whacks Pikachu with shock-proof broom until it runs away*
I hate rodents. OKAY, Digi Destined. Another question. When you got back home from the Digital world to beat Myotismon, why didn’t you change your clothes?
Sora: We did! I’ve got 3 whole outfits. They all just look exactly alike.
Mimi: What did you go and tell her that for? Now nobody will EVER think I’m fashionable!
Misty: News flash kid. Pink dress with brown gloves? HAH!
IL: I wondered about that. Why are half of you wearing gloves?
Sora: Hey, have you seen Biyomon alone? She BITES!
Biyomon: *muffled, inside Sora’s backpack* SHUT UP!
Matt: Well, I’m not supposed to tell anybody…but I wear gloves because I tried suicide several times.
Tai: I’m wearing them because I have satanic symbols on my palms and for some reason the editor doesn’t want kids exposed to that.
Mimi: I BITE MY NAILS!! MY ONLY FAULT!!
Izzy: I vill never tell you my evil government secrets! Mwuhahahaha!
Tai: You mean you don’t want anyone to see "I Love Sora" tattooed on your wrists.
Izzy: CAN IT!
Sora: What??
IL: OKAY, this is very interesting, but...Misty, WHAT are you doing??
Misty: *gazing at Ash* Me? Ohh, uh, n-nothing. Definitely not looking at Ash, that’s for sure!
Mimi: *yawn* She wants him.
Misty: *coughlosethebighatandMatt’lllikeyoucough*
Matt: What did you just say??
TK: Come on, everyone knows you like Mimi.
Matt: *outraged* No way! I’d never like any girl but Kari - oops.
Tai: Keep your paws off my little sister, you molester! *fighting again*
IL: This isn’t working. Security! *guards drag children apart*
That’s it! I can’t handle this many people at once! And they aren’t even all here?? Where’s Tracy, and Team Rocket? I don’t care, come back tomorrow for ONE-ON-ONE interviews.
Day 2.
IL: Let’s try this again. In semi-sane order. Our next interviewee is Ashley Catch-up.
Ash: ASH KETCHUM.
IL: Are you sure?
Ash: I think so…hey, you’re making fun of me. YES!
IL: Here’s an archived question. Why did you go so nuts trying to get your hat back form that Mankey?
Ash: I had to send in 20 postcards to get it! The stamps cost me my life savings!
IL: Uh-huh. I see. Are you paranoid?
Ash: No.
IL: *holds up picture of a Jigglypuff* Really?
Ash: *screams and hugs the back wall* HELP! HELP! IT’S GONNA POUND ME AND USE MY FACE FOR A DRAWING BOARD!!
IL: It’s a photograph. I thought you weren’t paranoid.
Ash: You would be too, if a Pokemon almost killed you.
IL: A 1-foot, 2-pound, puffy balloon type beat you up?
Ash: It’s a sore subject.
IL: Okay then, if you spent your whole 10 y/o year traveling, when did you go to school?
Ash: School? What’s that?
IL: That answers that. Then -
Ash: THAT DOESN’T ANSWER ANYTHING! WHAT’S SCHOOL??
IL: Why do you wear the same outfit every single day?
Ash: Can you stop mentioning my financial situation? I can’t even afford a haircut!
IL: Is that why you try to hide it under the hat?
Ash: Yeah. I don’t want anyone to see this - I mean no, I like my hair!
IL: Okay. You know what? You’re a pathetic **** who likes to feel sorry for himself.
Ash: AM NOT! What’s a ****?
IL: Then how come you tried to dump your Pikachu off…and let Butterfree go…and dumped Mankey off, and got rid of Lapras…
Ash: I don’t deserve them! They’re too good for me! What’s a ****?
IL: *bored* You know what…I’m pretty tired. Let’s call it a day. Leave, and please, don’t call back!
Day 3:
IL: Back again. Apparently my [!%#$@%%#@!] producers think it costs too much to have only 1 person in every hour. He made me bring in all 8 of the Digi Destined at once. *mutters* "This oughta be interesting…"
Let’s start with Izzy. Izzy, did you know you’re adopted?
Izzy: Of course. My real parents died in a car crash. I live with my aunt and uncle.
IL: HAH, that’d the oldest excuse in the book. I suppose you don’t remember…you were rejected from orphanage after orphanage until at long last one decided your red hair wasn’t a sign of the devil (that’s why your parents dumped you off). After 4 years the couple you live with decided to foster you, because they make piles of money.
Izzy: Not true! Not true!! *runs sobbing to his computer, vowing never to love anyone again*
IL: *mumbles* 1 down, 7 to go.
Say, Kari, what did you think when Matt said he liked you?
Kari: It was cool…he’s pretty cute. And since I’m a pocket mystic, I can see into the future and someday he’s gonna be in a rock band and I’m gonna be the lead singer!
Tai: *shakes Kari* You cannot see the future, pipsqueak! And get those thoughts about Matt out of your head!
Kari: *snort* Why? ‘Cause you want him for yourself?
Tai: WHAAA???
Kari: Let me show you some websites…*grabs Izzy’s computer*
"Taito Rules"
"Taito 4-Ever"
"Taito Anyone?"
Tai: STOP IT!!
Track: *Ooooooooh*
Izzy: Gimme back my computer!
IL: ooooookay…adoptee, don’t get so strung-out.
Izzy: I refuse to answer to such a degrading title.
IL: Whatever. Hey, did you know there was a Battle Of The Child Geniuses on May 9th? 50 smartest kids they could find. I notice you weren’t on it. Did you even get to take the test?
Izzy: *gasp* WHAT?? It can’t be! *runs to his computer* "Gotta study, must become most prodigous child ever, gotta study."
IL: Hey, Joe, there were reports you wanted to be a doctor…
Joe: Well, erm, I think I should…
Gomamon: *muffled, in Joe’s bag* He can so, he’s super smart!
IL: *squirts red ketchup on Joe’s arm* Joe, you’re bleeding!
Joe: AHH!!! *faints*
*Pikachu bursts through the doorway*
Pikachu: Chuuuuu! *begins lapping up ketchup*
IL: GET OUT! GET OUT, YOU WORTHLESS YELLOW RAT!!
Gatomon: Pikachu Bite! *chomps into Pikachu’s neck and slashes him until he runs away screaming*
IL: What shall I ask next? Call in and tell me!
Caller 1: Fight, fight, fight!
IL: This is not Jerry Springer, people…*hangs up*
Sora: Are we almost done? I’ve got a frickin’ ballet tryout!
Mimi: HAHA, the tomboy does ballet HAHHA!
Sora: *slap* *they begin fighting*
IL: Spoke too soon.
Tai: Fight, fight, reeer, hiss!
Sora and Mimi: DOG! *include him in the brawl*
TK: *backing away* Matt, we should go home now…
Matt: Don’t worry, I’ll protect you!
TK: I don’t need protecting. I’m worried that you’ll join in!
Matt: YOU INSOLENT PIPSQUEAK…
IL: Break it up, break it up. Tai, why are you always in fights?
Tai: Well, IL, I just get such a big, manly urge…and I was just trying to stop Matt from killing himself on that frozen island - HE took a swing at ME!
IL: Guilt by association.
Tai: What’s that mean??
IL: Never mind. TK…aw, screw it, you won’t have anything worthwhile to say.
TK: I WILL SO! I’m older than Matt, I’m just a midget.
Matt: TK, stop calling yourself a midget, it’s degrading! Say "Little person" or "Dwarf"
TK: Oh sure, I’m one of the little fat guys that loves Snow White. I think I can call myself whatever the **** I want!
IL: I just have a couple more questions then…
All: Yes?
IL: Look…it’s Myotismon!
Tai: *grabs the photo, screaming hysterically* YOU TRIED TO KILL MY SISTER! I’LL BEAT THE UNDEAD CRAP OUTTA YOU!
*Tai is escorted out, still raving, by the guards*
IL: Matt, are you responsible for your age?
Matt: A lot more than him…*jerks thumb at Tai, being fitted for a straitjacket*
IL: Then you won’t mind if I show everyone my photo album.
Matt: No! Not the photos! I’ll pay you 100 yen!
IL: *ignores him* Here I see Kari floating away with Phantomon…now I see TK crying because you left him alone…and now I see -
Matt: It’s true! I’m a failure! I don’t deserve to live! *starts banging his head against the wall into unconsciousness*
IL: That was interesting…are we done for the day?
[Mike voice]: Off the air in 3…2…1…cut!
IL: THANK GOD! *kicks the 7 remaining kids out the door*
-------------------------------
Season 2:
IL: Many a long year, 5 to be exact, it has been since we reunited all of our beloved Digi Destined. Before we begin, I must give you some background information.
-Mimi has been flown in from her 2-room apartment in the slums of New York, where she moved when her parents gambled the family fortune away at a casino.
-Tai has been released from Calmwood Mental Hospital since he agreed that Myotismon wasn’t real, which was 3 days ago.
-Matt suffered a concussion from beating his head against the wall and may have slight intelligence problems, but he still has plenty of girlfriends.
-Kari has a new job…I’ll let her tell you about that.
-TK revealed that he wasn’t really a midget after all but that he was merely holding Wizardmon prisoner in order to extract enough magic so that he APPEARED to be a midget for 4 years.
-Sora quit soccer after her mother marched onto the field one day and viciously broke her kneecaps with a baseball bat in order to prevent her from ever running properly again, claiming she loved her.
-Joe disappeared for several years…he showed up earlier and agreed to do one interview before disappearing again (witnessess later claimed he was working at the University Of Minnesota in the medical field).
-Izzy attempted suicide at age 12 when he failed, for the 3rd year in a row, to appear on "Battle Of The Child Geniuses."
He survived, but he refuses to speak and communicates by typing on his laptop only.
Also, the 3 new Digi Destined will appear today, so keep an eye out!
Here we go: Hi, everybody!
All: *tiredly* Hi, Interview Lady.
IL: So, what are your thoughts on the new kids in Season 2?
TK: I, personally, LOVE Iori. I mean, with those cool dark eyes and all?
Sora: *smack* He’s going to murder us all in our sleep, you dummy!
Tai: Who cares about a murderer, we need to find Fish Killer!
IL: Daisuke?
Tai: Yeah, that’s it. Die-sushi. Wait, he is sushi. DIE, SUSHI! He took my position, he copied my hairstyle and then CUT it, he joined soccer just because I did…
IL: Ooookay. So, TK, what’s up with the bucket?
TK: Oh, I just saw Dances With Wolves, and I wanted an Indian name. Then I saw this bucket on the ground, so I put it on my head and decided to be Stands With A Bucket.
Matt: TK, you dumb kid. I swear, if you were a dog, you’d be a St. Bernard--
Gabumon *muffled*: I’M A ST.BERNARD! I’M SMARTER THAN TK!
IL: I’m sick of hearing muffled voices. Will you just let the poor things out of the bag?
Matt: That’s a bad idea…
TK: *idiotically* Okay! Here’s Patamon!
Patamon: *eyes red, frothing at the mouth* Who let me out? I AM PATAMON, HEAR MY CRY!
Tai: *falls over laughing* HAHAHAHA, LOOKIT THE PIG!! HAH-*laughter is cut short as Patamon charges*
Patamon: I AM AN ANGRY, RABID PATAMON! ROOOAAAR!!
*Tai runs around the studio screaming hysterically, chased by snarling Patamon*
Izzy: *types* Uhhh…shouldn’t we help him?
IL: You want me to break that computer??
Izzy: *shakes his head furiously and retreats to a corner*
IL: Kay. Say, Sora, do you like arranging flowers?
Sora: *primly* Why yes. It’s very calming for the mind and body.
IL: What about scoring goals and having everybody cheer? Playing with Tai? The fact that the WORLD CHAMPION U.S. women’s soccer team is coming to give your old team a practice clinic?
Sora: *breaks down in tears* NOOOOOO! I HATE YOU MOTHER!!!
*kicks the wall until she breaks a toe* OW!
IL: What did you all think of Wallace?
Tai: Wallace? Isn’t he some clay dude from England with a dog named Grommit?
IL: Um, no, he’s in the movie…
Mimi: HE’S MY BOYFRIEND, IDIOT!
IL: I thought Matt was your boyfriend.
Mimi: Matt’s my Japanese boyfriend. Wallace is my American boyfriend!
IL: Whatever. Are all Japanese this screwed up?
Sora: Mimi! Now she hates our whole country!
Mimi: Like I care, it ain’t MY country anymore!
*IL picks up Line 1*
Caller: HEY MIMI, MY NAME'S JORDAN AND GUESS WHAT, WHILE YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME AT THAT CRUMMY INTERVIEW, I ASKED WALLACE OUT AND HE AGREED, SO HE'S NOT YOURS ANYMORE! HAHAHA!
Mimi: *sob* Noooooo!
*door opens and a sultry Kari walks in, peeling off long pink gloves*
Kari: *purrs* Am I… late? *examines long, red nails*
IL: Who are you and what have you done with Kari.
Kari: Okay, DMY, I’m a dancer at the local bar, it’s a pretty nice job. Just twirl around a couple times and I’m done, for $2000 a night.
TK: KARI!! You said you were working at the Hello Kitty factory!!
Kari: Oh, right. I’m gonna waste this body on a kid wearing a bucket.
TK: *eyes watering* But Kari, I thought you LOVED me!
Kari: Sure. Kinda like the way I loved Gatomon. I gave her to the local animal shelter. She was getting underfoot, ya know? But I kept her tail ring and gloves as souvenirs.
All: WHAT??? *camera shoots to Gatomon’s cage*
~*Gatomon is lying in a cage, rocking back and forth and flexing her white paws, mumbling, "I’ll show her…show that stuck up b**** of an exotic dancer. Teach HER to give me away…Myotismon had good reason to hate my eyes…I can shoot Death Rays-* *notices camera* LOUSY STALKARAZZI! Lightning Claw!~
*Back at studio, the 3 new children have appeared*
IL: So, um, Davis, what are your thoughts on the Kamiya family?
Dabis: I LOVE TAI, HE’S SO KAWAII! I WORSHIP HIM! HE’S MY IDOL! KARI IS A PERFECT HUMAN BEING! I LOVE HER!!
IL: You know, we have a phrase for people like you. "Unhealthy infatuation."
Mimi: *sniff* I hate this stupid radio station. Why is it called FIFI?
IL: Umm…the public named it. The F’s stand for Fan Fiction and the I’s stand for Ishida Insanity.
Matt: *clears throat* I have something to say…
I AM NOT GAY! I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH TAI, YOU PERVERTS! I HAVE FOUR GIRLFRIDNDS - MIMI, KARI, CAREY, AND JUN, OKAY?? I THINK THAT’S ABOUT AS FAR FROM GAY AS I CAN GET!
Tai: And yet he doesn’t think having 4 girls is perverted…
Izzy: *types* You’re one to talk. You’ve got Sora AND Kaleidescope, and I’ve been observing your looks at Matt.
Tai: SHUT UP, you little geek!
Izzy: *types* I am shut up. I haven’t said a word. I’m just typing.
Tai: Not anymore, you aren’t! *punches fist through the computer screen* OWWW!!! MY HAND’S BLEEDING! IT’S ELECTROCUTING ME!!
Tentomon: No, I am electrocuting you.
Tai: MAKE IT STOP!!!!
Gabumon: I heard Tai’s voice…*bursts out of the bag*
Hello Tai. I don’t believe I’ve paid you back for that joke where you tugged my fur the first night you were here yet. *bites Tai’s leg*
Tai: OWWIEE!!!!! *runs to the infirmary across the street, hand and leg pouring blood and jolting from the electricity, with Gabumon chasing him*
IL: You people and your digimon are scaring me…
*door opens yet again and a scary looking kid who appears to be on drugs runs in, carrying a grey stuffed dog which has seen better days and is tampered with so it resembles a Gazimon*
Kid: I AM ISAAC, HEAR ME ROAR!
IL: Okay…and who’s the dog?
Isaac: ISAAC HELMER JUNIOR’S KUNG-FU MASTER DOG!
Matt: Umm…maybe you should follow Tai to the hospital…
*door opens again; an intelligent-looking kid comes in*
Kid 2: Hi, I’m Erik. You’ll have to excuse my friend here, he just fed some drugs by a girl named Seija…*sees the battered dog* WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PUPPY??
Isaac: I MADE HIM EVIL!
Erik: Um, okay. Isaac, we’re going to go home and…*sees Yolei*
OH MY GOD IT’S SEIJA!! RUN!!!
Yolei: Huh?
IL: That is not Seija, it is Yolei. Now please, Erik, leave before…
Patamon: BOOM BUBBLE, PAH!
Agumon: *having been bitten by Patamon, he is red eyed and foaming* PEPPER BREATH, POI!
*large nets appear and the rabid Digimon are taken outside, along with the weird kids*
IL: Umm…
Matt: Can someone please explain to me what the hell just happened? Sora, help me out here.
Sora: I have no idea. These kids from nowhere appeared out of thin air and disrupted the peace and quiet -
Kari: *snort* Peace and quiet, my ***.
Sora: -and then disappeared. I think it’s over.
IL: HEY, you know, in an INTERVIEW, I ask questions and then you answer ME, not each other. So, Matt, what was your first big single?
Matt: Um…a song.
IL: Which song?
Matt: A fun song.
IL: WHICH SONG??
Matt: Umm…
IL: I will let in the rabid Patamon again…
Matt: Umm… *coughs nervously* "IWannaSingaSong"
Mimi: OH, SO I GO TO AMERICA FOR FIVE YEARS AND YOU PASS MY SONG OFF AS YOUR OWN?? PALMON, GET HIM!
Palmon: POISON CHOKERS! *vines shoot out and wrap around Matt’s neck*
IL: *unnoticed, IL sticks Matt’s first CD in and plays small sections of each song*
#1) "I wanna sing a song…a song that’ll wake you up…"
#2) "7 young kids go to camp for the summer, wind up livin’ in the digital land…"
#3) "Hey digimon hey digimon…monster friends, to the boys and girls"
#4) "I knew someday, we’d have to say, goodbye" (IL: Geez, now you’re stealing Pokemon music?) [a/n: That song is at the end of the episode of Pokemon where Ash tried to leave Pikachu in the forest…"Pikachu’s Goodbye.", that’s what it’s called]
#5) "Oops, I did it again…I played with your heart…" (IL: Britney Speares? Desperado!)
#6) "You’re, a god, and I, am not…" (IL: More theifin’, people, now he’s taking Vertical Horizon)
Sora: *reads CD back, which says that "You’re A God" was co-written with Taichi Kamiya* Eeeuuwww, you wrote that WITH Tai? Are you SURE you have girlfriends??
Matt: *sprays Palmon with weedkiller, loosening the vines enough for him to talk* WHAT?? WHERE DID YOU FIND MY CD??
IL: *chuckles to herself* Wouldn’t he like to know…never underestimate the power of Ebay…
BTW, let’s talk to Yolei and Cody!
Sora: Yolei is here??? YOU *****, you stole my crest! And your worthless, stuff-shirt Hawkmon is a copy of my Bi! You stupid copycat! *rips at Yolei’s hair as guards drag them apart*
IL: Never mind them, we’ve been ignoring Joe!
All: Awwww…
Joe: Um, no need to talk to me, it’s just fine.
IL: *reads tip passed to her by the sound mixer and grins evilly* Gee, Joe, are your bunnies okay? Cuz I hear there’s a new shampoo that needs to be tested…
Sora: What do bunnies have to do with shampoo??
Joe: I…*breaks down* ALL RIGHT! I’M NOT REALLY A DOCTOR! I’m a lab worker and I pour shampoo into the eyes of fuzzy bunnies to see if it burns and I work for Mr. Pittman! [a/n: Mr. Pittman wrote a stupid column in the editorials that basically said protestors for animal rights were slackers and deserved to be arrested because ‘the days of pouring shampoo into the eyes of fuzzy bunnies are over, people!’…the rest of his articles was about how animals are supposed to be used for experiments and food to further the human race.]
Yolei: *bursts into tears* WAAAH!!! HE’S HURTING FUZZY BUNNIES!!
Sora: *copies her example* WAAAH!!! I WUV FUZZY BUN-BUNS!!!!!
Mimi: MAAAAATTT, HE’S GONNA TORUTURE POOR DEFENSELESS FUZZY BUNNIES!!! DOOOOOO SOMETHING!!!!!!!
Matt: Gee, Mimi, I’d really love to wanna help you, but your weed has killer vines wrapped around my neck…
Mimi: *airhead giggle* oopsies, okay Palmon, you can let go now! Why did I have you attack him anyway?
Matt: *glares at IL* Never you mind, I’ll go beat up Joe for you!
Joe: EEEEEK! *runs out the door, screaming like a girl*
IL: *wipes tears from her eyes as she laughs herself into fits, barely able to get up and lock the door*
Let’s, um…break for 5 minutes. *goes off the air and continues laughing while the kids stare and Yolei and Cody run home to eat lunch*
*back*
Mimi: Are we, like, almost done? *airhead giggle* I like, hafta meet my, like, girlfriends and go to Matt’s rock concert! *pats fluffy pink hair and giggles*
IL: *stares* What the hell did you do to your hair??
Mimi: Lalala…
IL: Okay, Ms. Pink, have you ever considered writing a novel about your move to the
States? Called "The Voyage Of Mimi"?
Mimi: *stops singing and flips out* SHUT UP! I’ll have you know I underwent 4 years of tutoring to learn basic broken English! And my therapist suggested I dye my hair to fit in! It’s the RAGE in America!
IL: Um, y’all are freaking me out. You have…weird, psychotic hairdos. I mean, Matt, what the hell happened?
Matt: It was the rock band! They threw my harmonica in the lake and then they threatened to kill me unless I joined their band and stopped using gel!
IL: Tai, you didn’t REALLY want to give away your goggles, did you?
Tai: *sobs* No! I loved those goggles! Sora gave them to me when I was five! Davis held a knife to my soccer ball and threatened to puncture it if I didn’t hand them over on camera!
Sora: What are you talking about, you mental case?? YOU stole the goggles from ME! My dad gave me those goggles before he drowned himself! GIMME THEM!
Davis, magically appearing in the studio: NO!
Sora: YES! *begins punching him*
TK: WOOOO! Go Sora, go Sora!
Davis: SHUT UP, DA or JB or whatever your name is! And by the way, KARI’S MINE!!! *lunges at TK and begins a fight just like Matt and Tai*
Kari: Huh. Note how temperamental brunettes are.
Tai: And yet, they’re always picked to lead the group.
Matt: Are you SUGGESTING something??
Tai: Yeah - blondes are so dumb, they pick fights with everybody, and it seems to run in the family- *yelp of pain as Matt tackles him*
Matt: SHUT UP ABOUT MY FAMILY! AND IF THAT WAS AN INSULT TO TK, I’M GONNA BASH YOUR HEAD IN!
*everyone stares in silence as 2 identical fights continue, with occasional sounds of punch-whacking, until the door flies open…*
Kaleidescope Moose: TAI! STOP FIGHTING RIGHT NOW!
Blues Narf: TK, get back in bed NOW! You have the flu!
Carey: MATT! STOP FIGHTING OR YOU’RE GONNA GET BEATEN BY YOUR ALCOHOLIC FATHER!
Davis, waiting to be reprimanded: Umm…doesn’t anybody care about me?
Kari: Oh, yes, poor sweet baby, let me help you up…*slap* Of course nobody cares about you, you pigheaded thief! Arrogant as hell, acting like you own me when I’m really going out with Matt -
Tai: YOU SAID YOU BROKE THAT UP 5 YEARS AGO!
IL: WILL you all just SHUT! UP!??
*shocked silence*
Tai: I…uhh…forgot she was there!
Kari: Me too.
Sora: And me.
IL: WELL, I’m the one RUNNING this stupid radio interview, and in case you haven’t noticed our hour is almost UP, so right now we’re taking a poll - who wants to listen to Britney Speares (thinks, HAH! A foolproof way to be rid of them!) and who wants the talk show to continue?
Caller 1, who sounds like Shadow: Who gives a crap about Britney? I wanna hear Matt and Tai fight some more!
Caller 2: Britney sucks! Up with TK!
Caller 3: I like Christina…Ah…gee…lara, but anyway I wanna hear Miyako and Murders-With-Eyes!
IL: You mean Cody.
Caller 3: I have a dog named Cody. I want to hear MURDERS WITH EYES!
IL: Iori?
Caller 3: Yeah, that’s the one.
IL: Okay, the stupid hour continues. *thinks, ‘D***, I hate these children!!’*
Well, I just kicked Yolei and Cody out, but that reminds me…on the topic of thieves…
TK: I DIDN’T STEAL GILLIGAN’S FRICKIN HAT! HE GAVE IT TO ME!!
*camera switches to Gilligan, who is wearing his hat.*
Gilligan: My hat? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I gave some kid a plastic bucket to wear, but that’s all.
*switches back*
TK: *nervously* Heh...heh…
*Yolei and Cody come back in*
Yolei: I’m sorry, I thought it took 12.3 minutes to get here!
Cody: I had to finish my macaroni and cheese. There was a tiny portion of a noodle I couldn’t pick up on my fork. Also a minute scrap of a cherry tomato on the side I had to squint to see.
IL: *sigh* Okay, now that you’re here, what do you think of the Digital World?
Yolei: *begins crying* I hate it! I’m taller than everybody and my digimon’s a boy and -
Cody: On another topic, wanna know where I got my name?
IL: Umm…*nervously* Not first hand!
Cody: Well, I watched Dances With Wolves right after TK, and then I visited Gatomon and she taught me how to shoot death rays out of my eyes too. Also, there’s a mysterious case back home…I gave some people the evil eye and the next morning they were dead…
IL: You know what, I think I’m going to let you go now…have fun!
*escorts Yolei and Cody out the door yet again*
Joe: Um, are we almost done? I have to meet my…cousin…to, um, work on…stuff…
Mimi: *holds her platform shoe an inch from Joe’s head* What stuff? Joe, these really, really hurt when they smack into your head. Trust me. I visited Scary Spice over in England the other day (and man, her name isn’t for nothing…).
Joe: Um, no, I’d really rather not tell.
*door bursts open*
Ken: Joe, I’ve been waiting for 10 minutes, let’s GO already!
*mouths drop open* HE’S your cousin??
Ken: Of course he is. Why do you think we look so much alike? I’m taking him with me to the Digital world so he can catch some Digimon for his lab work. By the way, where’s Gomamon?
*camera shoots to Gomamon, strung up by his fins with tubes attached to him*
Gomamon: Stupid Joe. Stupid Kaizer. Gonna Harpoon Torpedo him with the strength of Vulcan’s Hammer soon as I see Joe again. Stupid pessimistic Joe. See if he’s allergic to a couple thousand claw marks. Gonna - *words are cut short as he starts spasms in response to the chemicals*
*back*
Sora: *starts sobbing* DON’T HURT BIYOMON! I LOVE HER, YOU CAN’T HAVE HER! NOOOOO!!!
Mimi: I WANT PALMON, WAAAAHHH!!
*muffled voices*
Palmon: I’m right here, you dolt!
Biyomon: Yeah, and if you love me so much HOW COME YOU HAVE ME TIED UP IN A LITTLE NET WITH—
Sora: *kicks the bag* Um, my…Furby…has been messed up lately…says it all the time…
Biyomon: YOU LITTLE—
Sora: *kicks the bag again into silence* Like I was saying, it’s malfunctioning.
Ken: Okay, you people are psychotic.
Davis: Look who’s talkin’. Wait a second…YOU’RE THE DIGIMON EMPEROR! You said I couldn’t be a digi destined because I’m not perfect! YOU SUCK! *headbutts him and sinks his teeth into Ken’s leg*
IL: SECURITY!
Agumon: Agumon, digivolve to…Greymon! Nova blast!
Tai: WHAT THE HECK DID YOU HIT ME FOR??
Greymon: You’re Tai, aren’t you?
Tai: YES, YOU BIG UGLY BRUTE!
Greymon: NOVA BLAST!
IL: WILL you all just ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTIONS!!??
*unnoticed, Ken kicks Davis off and then slips out the door with Joe to see if Wormmon will stay alive when he’s cut in half*
Mimi: You’re English? Oooh, I just love England! Queens are so fashionable-
IL: I’M ENGLISH! AMERICAN! JAPANESE! IT DOESN’T MATTER!
Now, I WANT to ask you a stupid question, and you WILL answer, ONE AT A TIME, under penalty of DEATH, OKAY??
*all nod silently*
IL: First one is for Tai -
Matt: *screams as a red-eyed Gabumon sinks his teeth into Matt’s neck* AHH! AHH! GABUMON’S ATTACKING ME!
IL: I told you you’d die if you spoke.
Izzy: *screams as Tentomon shocks him* AAIEEEE!! ALL RIGHT, I’LL START TALKING AGAIN!!
IL: Okay, you know what, this was a bad idea, you all suck, I hate you, get outta the recording studio, SHOO!!!
Izzy: Saaaave mee Jebus!!
IL: Oh go to *beep*.
*guards throw kids one by one out the door*
IL: I hate children. Especially the Digi Destined children. You’ll excuse me while I leave.
*switches off the microphones and punches the TV camera.*
"We are so done."
---------
Anybody like it? Was the angry, rabid Patamon good for ya? How about Joe the lab worker? Maybe the new exotic dancer Kari? [I stuck her in that job because when I first saw her gloves that’s what I thought of].
I have to thank a lotta people…
1. Nat, for suggesting I put Isaac and his Kung-Fu Master dog into the story
(seriously, Isaac and Erik are real people…in my Communications class in 8h grade, we had a reading corner…Erik brought in a stuffed animal (the dog) instead of a pillow, and one day Isaac seriously did run around with it telling everybody it was Isaac Helmer Junior’s Kung-Fu Master Dog. And while (as far as I know) Isaac isn't on drugs, his school picture was pretty scary.
Also, Nat, on the phone we somehow got on the topic of "The Voyage Of The Mimi," that stupid thing we did in science in 6th grade? [a/n: The Mimi was a boat…it’s hard to explain.] It gave me the idea for "Voyage Of Mimi."
2. Isaac and Erik and Seija, all in my class, who have been manipulated into my interview but have no idea I did it. Seija kind of resembles Yolei.
CORRECTION: I've told all 3 of them about this page, and it's possible they all know now.
3. "Patamon", for starting the idea of angry rabid patamons.
4. "Carey Ishida", "Blues Narf", "Kaleidescope Moose", and "Shadow", my friends from "Ishida Insanity" (a messageboard) who got to have a few lines in my interview. We picked boyfriends on the message board and those 3, respectively, own Matt, TK, and Tai. Oh, Shadow got yelled at for stating that "Matt and Tai fighting" was a main part of Season 1, so I put Shadow in too.
5. My security guards, Crabbe and Goyle (J.K. Rowling and Hogwarts loaned them out to me).
6. My friends at FOXkids and WB for letting me use their characters without express written consent.
7. The Simpsons, because I spoofed several lines off various shows, including, ‘Hi, everybody!" [Dr. Nick Riveara’s line] and "Saave me, Jeebus!" [Homer Simpson, attempting to say "Jesus"].
8. Everybody at ff.net which I haven’t come to in a while but which every so often I love.
9. Oh, also Christine/NC, who hates Digimon and told me that Izzy looked like a reject from an orphanage. Thanks for the line!
10. Everybody else I forgot, plus my fans.
Merci beaucoup! Please review/e-mail me to tell me your favorite part!
Email: morgan9787@aol.com