Interviewing the Agents…Again
Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Files and though I wish mightily that I could profit from the Interview Lady Series, alas, I cannot. (Honestly, I think there’s an unofficial contest on the internet to see who can come up with the most creative disclaimer.) Note: This story is set just after “Audrey Pauley”.

RADIO RECORDING STUDIO 32
3539 DELL STREET
MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA
SATURDAY, 8:43 AM
Interview Lady: I’m bored. Actually, I’m more than bored. I am living in dullness. I have excruciating lack of interest in the day. I say we do another interview!
Voice: That’s what you always say. “Host an interview.” I say we take a vacation instead.
IL: No, I want an interview. And I want to interview Mulder and Scully and all their little friends.
Voice: That could be difficult. Seeing as how Mulder has apparently disappeared off the face of the planet and Scully is dealing with a psychic baby.
IL: FUN!
Voice: How did I know you’d say that?
IL: Yippee! I’m calling the manager and scheduling time right now!
*Dials number*
Manager: Hello?
IL: Hi Dave!
Dave: No.
IL: What?
Dave: The station needs a certain rest period between the times you invite that pack of wild beasts you call Digi Destined Children.
IL: But I don’t wanna interview them. I want to interview the nice *muffled snort* respectable *giggle* FBI agents.
Dave: Oh. All right then. 2 AM Wednesday all right?
IL: Are you NUTS?! You know perfectly well my show deserves prime time slots! I have hundreds of listeners!
Dave: Yeah, well we prefer thousands or millions. They’ve stopped televising you.
IL: INGRATES!
Dave: Fine, I’ll put you in for 5 PM Thursday. Then everybody driving home from work will hear you. Will that make you happy?
IL: Whatever.

SCULLY’S APARTMENT
10:13 AM
*phone rings* *screaming begins*
Scully: HOLD ON, HOLD ON! *struggles to the phone, holding a crying William and a bottle and a pile of paperwork*
*mutters* I could have had another month off. No, stupid Mulder gets a chain letter in the mail and insists the government is trying to kill him and makes himself disappear, thus forcing me to stay working to cover his ass.
YEAH?!
IL: Wow, you’re cranky.
Scully: Who are you and whaddya want?
IL: This is Stephanie, also known as Interview Lady? I want you back for another interview on, um, caring for a baby while still working for the FBI.
Scully: HA! HA! HA!
IL: Is that a yes?
Scully: Absolutely not. I will not come back.
IL: OK, see, there’s no real choice here. I want you to come, therefore you will.
Scully: Ah, no, I don’t think so.
IL: Just one question. I guess your baby wasn’t alien after all?
Scully: No. It was very strange and weird and now I have a son and no father for him. Do you know how NOT FUN it is to raise a baby alone after the second or third day?
IL: Oooh, sorry, if you wanna talk more you have to come to the radio station.
Scully: No.
IL: It involves money. Nice, tall…copper…piles of money…
Scully: Stupid manipulative…forget it. *hangs up*

RADIO STATION
10:23 AM
Voice: Well, that went well.
IL: Eh, it’s no big deal. Remember? All we do is call up Doggett and he makes everybody come back.
Voice: That’s cool.
THE MANLY DOG HOUSE
[Voice Note: She called it “Doggett’s Magical Apartment with Interior Stairs” until the season finale, when she heard Reyes say, “There’s someone in the yard” and finally realized he had an actual house]
10:25 AM
Doggett: Quiet Duke! Hello?
Duke: Yip!
IL: Hi, this is Interview Lady…did that dog just go “yip?”
Doggett: No…no, he said WOOF! In a big, tough, German Shepherd way.
Duke: Yip! Yip! Yip!
Voice: Funny, it sounds kind of like a little dog. Maybe like a POODLE.
Doggett: I TOLD YOU I have a German Shepherd.
Voice: Ah, but were you lying when you said that?
IL: Well, anyway, how would you like to come back for another interview?
Doggett: Despite the bashing of my macho dog, that sounds great and I’d love to come.
IL: Oh yeah, do us a favor. Get Mulder and Scully to come too.
Doggett: Will do.
Duke: Yip!

SCULLY’S APARTMENT
11:21 AM
*knocking on door *
Scully: NOW what?! (She swings open the door. Doggett quickly steps inside)
Doggett: OK, easy now. I just need one little thing from you.
Scully: No.
Doggett: I merely need to know where Mulder is so I can call him.
Scully: I told you, he disappeared in the middle of the night.
Doggett: OK, where did he go?
Scully: Again, I TOLD you, he ran away in the middle of the night and I don’t know where he went.
Doggett: Come on, will you quit lying already?
Scully: Why do you think I’m lying?
Doggett: Uh, because he loves you and puts his trust into you and only you?
Scully: How very sweet. I’m still not telling you where he is.
Doggett: Hah! So you DO know.
Scully: Darn it!
Doggett: Is he with the Lone Gunmen?
Scully: No.
Doggett: Is he shacked up in London with Phoebe Green?
(Scully glares daggers at him)
What? It was worth a try. OK, is he living in the country posing as a farmer?
(Scully gives him a weird look)
Hey, I’ve seen Xena. That’s where Aries goes when his life is threatened.
Scully: Look, I’m not telling you where he is.
*phone rings again*
GOD &%*!&*(!&*!!!!!!!!! *yanks it off the hook* WHAT do you want?!?!
Mulder’s Very Loud Voice: Hey Scully, how’s it going?
*Doggett snatches the phone away*
Doggett: Mulder, great timing, listen up. I gotta talk fast because your cranky little woman here--
Scully: CAN IT!
Doggett: --is trying to take away the phone because she doesn’t want me to find out where you are. *holds the phone up high, out of Scully’s reach* But anyway, I just needed to talk to you real quick. See, that Interview Lady called me up and asked me to be on the radio show again. She was gonna invite you, only she thought you might be a little traumatized from last time.
Mulder: Why?
Doggett: Well, she was sort of afraid you’d try to beat me up, and then I’d kick your ass and you’d look like an idiot and then you’d start crying. Or else simply that you were kind of scared of me.
Mulder: Scared? Of YOU? I’m coming to this thing. When and where?
Doggett: Thursday, 5 PM. Be at the station at quarter to 5.
(Scully is still jumping for the phone, having set William down)
Scully: Mulder? Mulder, can you hear me? Don’t you go near that place! Are you listening?! You have the power to stay away!
Mulder: I’ll be there.
(Scully finally gives up and lets Doggett have an almighty powerful kick in the shins. He drops the phone)
Doggett: Ahh! Ah, GEEZ you’ve got a nasty kick in those little legs!
Scully: *grabs the phone* Mulder, don’t you dare – Mulder? (he has hung up)
I am gonna kick BOTH of your asses when we get to that show.
Doggett: Oh good, you want to come with too?
Scully: Well, it seems I have to or else Mulder will behave like an immature child. I mean, again.

RADIO STATION
THURSDAY, 5:00 PM
IL: And, we are ON the air! Hello, and welcome, EVERYBODY, to a NEW Interview Lady! We are about to begin our second visit with our FBI agents Doggett, Mulder, Scully, and the newest addition, Monica Reyes. Reyes seems to be running a little late, but the other three are here right on time.
Doggett: Hi! I’d just like to start by saying what an honor it is to be here again. I thoroughly enjoy being invited here to talk with everyone.
Mulder: For the record, I’m not scared of Agent Doggett.
Scully: You are, however, paranoid of the government.
Mulder: Whatever.
Reyes: *comes through the door with a little white poodle* Hi John, I found poor Sniffles all alone in your apartment so I thought I’d bring him with me.
IL & Voice: SNIFFLES?!
Doggett: Hoo boy. OK, see, the thing about that is, Sniffles isn’t really my dog…I mean, um, Duke was just away for the weekend…I mean, um, my mom left me her dog named Duke that she likes to CALL Sniffles…
IL: Give it up. We know you eat Pop-Tarts.
Mulder: *snickers with glee* I told you, Scully! I told you he was a loser! Wasn’t I right?
Scully: Mulder, what kind of example are you setting for your son?
Mulder: *mutters* Stupid kid.
Scully: WHAT?
Mulder: Uh, super kid!
Voice: It’s sad how children ruin relationships.
IL: Well, I’m sure our listeners are very confused right now because last time you tuned in, Scully was telling us she was going to have an alien kid. But he’s not an alien, now, is he Miss Scully?
Scully: No, IL. His name is William and he was born May 20th in an abandoned house and delivered by Reyes with a whole crowd of part-aliens watching. Pretty sick.
IL: WOW. That’s quite an unusual-sounding story. Would you like to explain it?
Scully: Certainly. First of all, it started because a bunch of these hualiens –
IL: Um, please define that term.
Scully: Human-form aliens. –started chasing me around trying to kill my baby. Actually, they were really trying to kill me because my baby wasn’t born yet. So, we ran all around a parking garage for a while. It was actually kind of fun. I had Skinner, Mulder, Doggett, Reyes, and Krycek all coordinating these elaborate plans and running me around to keep me out of harm’s way until I jumped into Reyes’ car. She then proceeded to drive me to Georgia where we hid out in an abandoned house in Hot Springs. Figures that while I’m there I start having contractions. Anyway, Reyes fixed up this nice little bed for me, with damp washcloths and candles and stuff.
Voice: Do your singing whale imitation.
Reyes: *innocently* What are you talking about?
Mulder: Oh, see, these two have hidden cameras or something, and they know every embarrassing thing we’ve ever done.
Reyes: I think I’m beginning to understand your whole paranoia of the government thing.
Voice: So, how about those whale sounds?
Reyes: Nah, I don’t think so.
Voice: OK, I’ll imitate them. “HONK…wheeze, snort, MOOOOOO!”
Reyes: That’s not what they sounded like! They sound like this: *does her singing whale impression*
Voice: HAHAHA!!
IL: Rod, did you catch that one on the recorder?
Rod: Oh yeah.
Reyes: Damn.
Voice: OH! OH, INTERVIEW LADY, REYES SWORE FIRST! YOU OWE ME $20!
Reyes: What?
IL: We made a bet last time. I bet Scully would swear first, and Voice said it would either be Doggett or Reyes.
Mulder: Hey! I’m manly! I curse!
Doggett: I’ll bet.
Mulder: But I DO! Tell them, Scully.
IL: Whatever, the point is, Voice won. Stupid Voice. Scully, my little sailor, what’s going on?
Scully: Call me your “little sailor” again and die.
IL: Then skip along, mate.
Doggett: Let Dana finish, OK?
Mulder: Oh, whoa, hey. It took me eight years to get to call you Dana! Since when did HE get to start calling you that?!
Scully: Since he was THERE for me while I was struggling with a newborn baby. You, I believe, were hightailing it out to a unibomber-style shack in Nevada miles away from civilization.
Mulder: OK, did you not see that letter I got? It very specifically stated “Send this to fifteen people or you will have bad luck for fifteen years.” Translated, “bad luck” is an ancient Mayan code word for “death by water.” And as we all know, the government has spies and death ships on all the oceans and lakes.
Scully: WHAT are you talking about?
Mulder: Well I mean, I was going to ignore it, since I don’t know the addresses of that many people, but then I was walking over to your place and I went over a bridge, and all of a sudden the plank right beneath me broke and I almost fell into the water!
Scully: Do you mean the six inch deep puddle in front of my apartment that we put a board over so people wouldn’t have to walk in the mud?
Mulder: Perhaps.
Scully: MAN you are paranoid.
Doggett: *gets an evil thought* Don’t worry, Mulder. I took good care of her in your absence.
Mulder: *suddenly suspicious* What does that mean?
Doggett: I have one complaint, the bed is a little bit close to the neighbor’s wall.
Mulder: *eyes bugging out of his head* GROSS! YOU DID NOT DO WHAT YOU’RE IMPLYING YOU DID!
Doggett: Welll, maybe I did and maybe I didn’t.
Mulder: Scully, please look at me and say he is lying.
Scully: *hidden grin* *twirls a strand of hair* Well…he was awfully manly…
Mulder: Oh that’s it, you’re going down. *leaps at Doggett* *Doggett cheerfully flips Mulder around and puts him in a choke hold*
Doggett: You really ought to take a remedial course on how to stop assailants.
Scully: All right, Mulder, Agent Doggett and I are merely messing with your head.
Mulder: You shouldn’t do that. In the past year, I’ve exhausted myself trying to find my sister, been confronted with a son, fought off an incurable brain disease and had about 15 marriage proposals rejected. My head is fragile.
Scully: Anyway, to continue my story. I’m hiding out in an abandoned house, right? And I start having the kid. And all of a sudden, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN MY LIFE, the door opens and like fifty people come inside and surround me.
Reyes: Yeah, it was not fun. You know how in movies the doctors are always saying “Breathe. Slow down and breathe?” It gets considerably harder to do when the woman giving birth is panicking because of a bunch of moronic hualiens decide they have nothing better to do on Sunday night. Mulder, of course, was SOMEWHERE…
Mulder: HEY! I was up in a helicopter. I was flying around looking for her. All I had to go on was that she was in Georgia. Doggett didn’t tell me any specific location.
Doggett: Well, that might be because I said, “She’s in Georgia, a little place called …” and at that point you hung up the phone and went to find her.
Mulder: I was in a hurry.
Doggett: I bet you could have found her three hours sooner if you knew what town she was in.
Mulder: Hey, Georgia’s a big state. I think it’s marvelous that I found her in only nine hours.
Scully: YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE NINE HOURS EARLIER?!
Mulder: It also takes time to fly from D.C. to Georgia.
Scully: Well anyway, the weird part was, after I finally had the kid, and realized that it was crying instead of making goat noises, they all just turned around and left. They spend 9 months trying to kill me and William, and then they up and LEAVE?
IL: Cool, you named him William after all!
Scully: Well, I figured that way it wouldn’t matter if he turned out to be William Scully or William Mulder, they’ve both been done.
Mulder: But of course he’ll be William Mulder, because we already have two William Scullys.
Scully: Buster, you’ve got NO chance of getting married if you’re hiding in Nevada.
Mulder: Maybe I’d come back if I was married.
Scully: Right.
Voice: I still say Sculder was good.
Scully: Well fine, then YOU call him Sculder.
IL: OK. Now that we’ve explained that big story…it’s time for questions. Agent Reyes, what’s it like working on the X-Files?
Reyes: It’s really fun!
Voice: You don’t feel like you’re…taking someone’s place?
Reyes: Hey, nobody said Scully had to go be a teacher. Anyway, to answer your question: I LOVE it!
Voice: You don’t feel sort of…trashy when you come to work in a sundress that swoops down six inches below your neckline?
Reyes: Do you have a problem with me?!
IL: No, she just hates change, which you represent.
Reyes: Anyway, like there was this one case where I found myself in a parallel dimension…
Mulder: Oh, you SUCK! I wanna do that!
Scully: We went on all kinds of adventures.
Mulder: But I never got to go into another dimension.
Scully: What about the time you claimed you found yourself on a ship in 1939?
Reyes: Anyway, like I was saying, once I finally got used to the lack of sunlight, I liked that little office. Except I had to spend about an hour pulling pencils out of the ceiling.
Mulder: YOU TOOK DOWN MY PENCILS?! Oh my GOD! I was going for a record there.
Reyes: I wondered why there were 647.
Mulder: I got bored when Scully went away.
Reyes: How very pathetic.
Mulder: Go perform a satanic ritual.
Reyes: I don’t PERFORM them, I INVESTIGATE them. Anyway, I don’t do that anymore. Now I get to investigate cases about aliens.
Mulder: Don’t rub it in.
Reyes: I may even start looking for Samantha.
Scully: Oh no, please don’t do that. I finally got him to stop obsessing over her…now he’s gonna start up again.
Mulder: You know something else about my sister you haven’t told me?!
Scully: Here we go.
IL: Hey, I can’t help but start feeling excluded. You do remember that I’m the host, right?
Voice: SURE we do!
Duke: Yip!
IL: Make him stop yipping.
Doggett: He does what he wants. He’s a macho dog.
Reyes: John, don’t be dumb. Sniffles is a girl. See?
Voice: HAHAHAHAHA! This just keeps getting better and better, doesn’t it??
IL: So…you’ve gone from having a male German Shepherd named Duke to a female toy poodle named Sniffles.
Scully: That’s kind of sad.
Doggett: Hey, as I recall, YOU didn’t have the strength hold onto a Pomeranian’s leash.
Scully: Who told you that?
Mulder: See, this is why you should keep fish. Fish are nice and quiet and they last for years. Unless their caretaker KILLS them.
Scully: You should have taken your fish with you on the Samantha Hunt if you wanted to make sure they didn’t die.
Mulder: Right. And what would you have told people then? The aliens wanted to experiment on fish too?
Scully: I only killed ONE. How was I supposed to know that fish could die of heart attacks when you chase them too long with the little net?
Reyes: Why are we arguing about fish?
Mulder: Have you ever owned any type of animal?
Reyes: No.
Mulder: Then stay out of it.
Doggett: Well…she seemed to have tamed a certain A.D. back in New Ahleans…
Mulder: Oh that is sick. And people talked about US behind our backs.
Scully: Mulder, shut up.
IL: What is up with the X-rated comments lately?
Voice: I think it has something to do with…THIS! *Pulls out a big screen TV and a videotape*
Mulder: Oh crap, is that one of those 181 tapes about us?
IL: We’re up to 191 now, actually, and planning to make another 10…of course, since you disappeared this is the last one you’re on.
Mulder: Yes!
Voice: *pushes play* La, la, la…that’s when the lone gunmen were dropping off gifts…
Mulder: Crap.
Scully: What…OH! OH, TURN THAT THING OFF NOW!
IL: Nah.
Scully: Pretty please?
Voice: Nothing doing.
Mulder On Tape: The truth…we both know.
Mulder: Doggett, Reyes, close your eyes right now.
Reyes: Why?
Mulder: Just do it! I’ve got a gun!
Reyes: No you don’t.
Mulder: …oh yeah, I don’t. Just, shut your eyes anyway?
Doggett: No way. This looks funny.
*SCREEN: Passionate kiss*
Scully: *buries face* I refuse to watch it. I will not look at it.
Reyes: Wow, interesting.
Doggett: Hehehe. Mulder, you are so lucky you got fired…I just wish I’d had this when I was betting in the office pool.
Mulder: You are all immature and childish.
Voice: *falsetto…even if she is female* Oooh, my name is Marty Mulder! I like to call beautiful women for only 99 cents!
Mulder: I’m IN rehabilitation!
Scully: Translation—he’s really, really trying every trick he knows to make me marry him.
Mulder: I wouldn’t NEED the telephone conversations if you’d just agree to marry me.
Rod: Nasty!
IL: It was so definitely more fun when they refused to admit there was anything between them.
Voice: Actually, I think it’s funnier this way. News Flash!! *Stuffs in another tape*
Mulder: Just what do you hope to accomplish by showing another tape? You’ve already used the most embarrassing clip you own.
IL: What do you mean? How do you know there’s not a hanky-panky tape?
Scully: Disgusting! You can’t legally air that material!
IL: So you admit to the possibility of a hanky-panky tape.
Scully: I thought we already did.
Mulder: That’s stooping really low and really dirty.
TK’s Faraway Voice: DIRTY?!?!?!?!
Matt’s Faraway Voice: TK SHUT YOUR F****** MOUTH!
IL: Your point being?
Voice: Oh come on, we’re not THAT dirty. We’re almost that dirty, but not quite.
Shadow Man, on tape: “And I know that one lonely night, you invited Mulder to your bed.”
Mulder: You know, that’s pretty dirty too.
Scully: AH! If that stupid man hadn’t already exploded, I’d kill him myself!
IL: OK, see, you two are going about this all wrong. It’s supposed to go “friends, dating, love, marriage, baby.” NOT “friends, love, baby,” with no dating or marriage involved!
Mulder: I’m WORKING on the marriage thing…
Scully: That’s it, I’m leaving. *runs to the bathroom*
Voice: Got it covered.
IL: Well, let’s just keep track of her, shall we? *flicks on a hidden camera*
Mulder: You even have cameras in the WOMEN’S BATHROOM?!
Doggett: OK, that is a little disturbing.
IL: *rolls eyes* Do you have any idea how much gossip goes on in the bathroom? I tried installing one in Mulder’s bathroom, but he found it and dismantled it.
Mulder: Darn straight. Otherwise, you might have posted it to the Internet and then I’d never have any peace. I’d be up all night turning down marriage proposals from lovely women.
Scully: I heard that! See why I refuse to marry you? *comes back to the room*
IL: Like it or not, you ARE able to share a house without killing each other. It’s on our tape. There’s documented footage of you two PRETENDING to be married for a good 5 days.
Mulder: All of which I spent sleeping on the couch because LAURA was too uppity to share the bed. WHICH I called by lying down first.
Scully: Which didn’t count because you were warned NINETEEN SEPARATE TIMES about the toilet seat.
IL: Aw, we only have the third time on tape. What other domestic squabbles did we miss?
Mulder: Well, let’s see. She pitched a fit because I happened to have a little drink straight from the orange juice carton…
Scully: I pitched a fit? How about him? He wouldn’t keep his paws off me!
Mulder: I was just trying to appear to be a devoted husband. You calling me “Poopyhead” did not help our cover story.
Scully: I made it sound like a pet name. Like “poopsy.”
Mulder: Also not helpful.
Scully: Well, you attempting to kiss me in front of the neighbors was self-absorbed and arrogant.
IL: You’d think they’d be over this dispute now that he really has kissed her.
Scully: It’s the principle of the thing.
IL: I think you just really, really love fighting.
Voice: What else did they have to do during the first seven years when they loved each other but wouldn’t admit it?
IL: OK, I have another question. Agent Doggett, how come you and Reyes always have to go running to Scully on every case?
Mulder: Well, that’s an obvious one. The newbies are completely clueless when it comes to the paranormal. Although I’m the expert, I’ve taught Scully well. She figures stuff out twice as fast as the two of you put together.
Reyes: It’s my first year!
Doggett: Yeah, and I didn’t want the job.
Scully: Neither did I.
Doggett: Mulder, do you even have a real job?
Mulder: I have been considering learning the art of preparing animal protein cuisine deriving from cloven-hooved bovine creatures.
Voice: The only other skill you have is in flipping burgers??
Mulder: At least I have a good vocabulary.
Voice: I thought you were a PSYCHOLOGIST.
Mulder: Oh, everybody wants to be a psychologist these days. The competition is too heavy. I couldn’t possibly perform well in such an atmosphere.
Voice: Oxford revoked your degree, didn’t they?
Mulder: Some years back.
Doggett: I may be just a street-wise cop, but I don’t think colleges can revoke degrees.
Voice: You’re definitely just a street-wise cop.
IL: So, you still haven’t told me why you run to “ask Scully” all the time.
Doggett: All right, fine, we’re pathetic.
Voice: Having seen Sniffles, I’ll drink to that.
IL: You’ll drink to anything.
Voice: And yet I don’t get drunk.
IL: OK, new question.
Rod: Call-er! Call-er! Call-er!
IL: Rod, I swear I’m gonna…
Caller 1: Agent Reyes, did you ever consider becoming a cowgirl?
IL: You’re in so much trouble.
Reyes: Umm…why?
Caller 1: I don’t know. You just don’t look like an FBI agent. You’re too tall and thin.
Reyes: How would you know? This is a radio show.
IL: It’s televised too. But um, we may have sort of privately auctioned off copies of those videotapes about you guys…
Reyes: I’m not sure, but I think I can sue you somehow for that.
Caller 1: I’m a lawyer, and no, you can’t.
Reyes: Who ARE you, anyway?
Caller 1: Uhh…Ally McBeal?
Reyes: I see.
IL: OOOH! *squeals and hurls papers out of the way in excitement* I never even thought about that! I wanna interview the whacked-out lawyers from Cage & Fish!!
Rod: First you wanted me to find the Simpsons. Then it was Xena and Gabrielle, and then Harry Potter, and then the Digi Destined (again). I don’t think I’m going to find ANY of them.
IL: You know I could fire you.
Rod: Go ahead and try! No other producer in the state will work for you anymore! They’re all afraid of Voice.
Voice: But I’m so cute and lovable.
Scully: And a thief.
Voice: Look, if you didn’t want your Cancer Journal floating around, you should have burned it.
Caller 1: So, do you ride a lot?
Reyes: Er…
Mulder: You might want to specify WHAT she rides.
Voice: Dirty!
IL: Funny!
Reyes: EXCUSE me??
Voice: Is it not true, Ms. Reyes, that you frequently sleep half naked?
Reyes: Oh my God, how do you know that?!
Mulder: How many times do we have to go over the hidden cameras? It’s like a fact of life. Get used to it.
Scully: Half naked?! I sleep in nice modest cotton pajamas.
Mulder: I can unfortunately verify that.
Doggett: This is getting more disgusting by the minute. That’s it. I am OUT of here.
Voice: You don’t like hearing dirty things about your crush?
Doggett: Seriously. You’re just grabbing material out of the air with nothing whatsoever to substantiate it.
Rod: Rod says Interview Lady needs to let him put another caller on the air.
IL: Interview Lady says Rod the Producer needs to be quiet.
Voice: Voice says Doggett loves Scully!
[a/n: Rainbow Stevie literally was grabbing material out of the air at this point…fortunately, Voice’s line got her going again]
All except Voice: WHAT?!?!
Mulder: You and me. Two minutes in a boxing ring.
Voice: Why does Reyes care if Doggett loves Scully?
Reyes: I don’t.
IL: Where DO you get your ideas?
Voice: Well, I was really bored for a long time there when Mulder and Scully finally gave up and admitted they were in love, the baby was Mulder’s, they’d consummated their relationship…
Scully: I have admitted NOTHING.
Voice: Yeah. I know. That’s why I taped proof of everything.
Scully: A weird man claiming to have videotaped my life for five years SAYING that I invited Mulder does not count as proof.
Mulder: You people are pathetic! How can you have hours and hours of videotape and somehow NOT manage to have 2 seconds of Scully saying “I love you” to me?!
Scully: Maybe because I didn’t say it.
Mulder: I said it! Do I have to get myself killed AGAIN to make you say it?
Scully: I’ll do the honors myself in about two minutes.
Mulder: *mutters* Someday she’ll marry me. Then you’ll see.
Reyes: I vote we drop this entire subject.
Doggett: I wholeheartedly agree.
IL: Are y’all SURE you don’t want to read some e-mail? I promise it’s really interesting…
Scully: Get OUT of my mail.com box!
IL: Look, if you don’t start talking, I’m bringing in a guest star.
Mulder: Like I care! Krycek is dead!
IL: What??
Voice: You remember. We watched Skinner shoot him in cold blood.
IL: Oh yeah. Um, Smoking Man?
Voice: Murdered.
IL: Fowley?
Voice: Murdered.
IL: Mrs. Mulder?
Voice: Suicide.
Mulder: STAGED suicide.
Scully: Give it up. I’m still having nightmares from doing that autopsy.
IL: Samantha? Haha, just kidding. Um, Mr. Mulder?
Voice: Murdered LONG-TIME ago.
IL: Scully’s sister?? Mulder’s half brother??
Voice: Once again, murdered x 2. Say, did you realize that theoretically, since CSM keeps saying he’s Mulder’s dad, Samantha would only be his half sister?
Mulder: Shut up.
IL: GEEZE! Is ANYONE alive in this world? Byers, Langly, and Fro-OH!
Mulder: -hike.
Scully: *panics* WHERE?!
Mulder: Fro-HIKE. Not Fro-OH.
IL: No, I mean, I just remembered I asked your friends, the Lone Gunmen, in for a short chat.
Mulder: Crap.
Doggett: Why “crap?”
*The Gunmen burst through the door*
Langly: Hey, it’s Agent Dogbird!
Doggett: That’s it; I’m killing him.
Reyes: You’re acting like Mulder. Who…Mulder, why are you hiding behind Scully’s chair?
Scully: *turns around* Yes, what ARE you doing?
Mulder: Sh! I’m not here!
Scully: Mulder—
Mulder: *hiss* Shut up!
Frohike: What the…
Byers: MULDER! What are you doing here?! HERE, out in PUBLIC?
Langly: Shoot, I really hope nobody saw you. What were you THINKING? Come on guys, help me get him out of here and back to safety!
Mulder: Um, well, yes, er…
Doggett: What’s the big deal?
Langly: In case you hadn’t noticed, Mr. Dogbird-
Doggett: No more warnings. *smacks Langly across the face*
Reyes: John – what the hell?
IL: No kidding. I thought you said you were going to kill him, not have a catfight.
Langly: *rubbing cheek* Bastard! *dives on him*
Voice: YEAH!!! THEY’RE FIGHTING!! WOOOOOHOOOOO!
Doggett: Well, I can’t hit him--*grunt*--he looks too much like a woman.
Langly: I’ll show you woman! *tries to punch him but ends up scratching him* AH MY HAIR! (as Doggett yanks on it)
Mulder: Now how is it that I got called Girly Man?
Scully: Your girly screams.
Doggett: (from the fight) A little help here? AH! Dirty fighting! He threw sand in my eye!
IL: There is no sand in this room.
Doggett: What are you talking about?
Langly: Actually, that’s the pepper spray I keep in my pocket.
Doggett: My EYES! They BURN!
Reyes: Why do you carry pepper spray?
Doggett: Are you sure you’re not a woman?
Reyes: Don’t stereotype, John. I’ll kick your ass.
Doggett: Ten to one says YOU’VE got pepper spray in your pocket.
Reyes: …OK, I do, but I can still pull a gun on people!
IL: Right.
Langly: Hey, does the cavalry over there want to HELP me, or—
Doggett: *finally knocks him out* There we go. I forgot how much fun that is…I should have stayed in the Marines.
Voice: I always knew in my heart he was a Manly man.
Doggett: Yeah, now, some help in getting the pepper spray out of my eyes would be nice. They sustained quite a lot of damage last year after getting spit at by a poisonous lizard.
Duke: *licks his eyes* Yip!
Doggett: The only thing worse than having cayenne pepper in your eyes is having it mixed with dog spit.
Scully: *digs around in her bag until she finds baby wipes* Here you go. The one handy part about having a baby is always carrying around everything you could possibly need for cleaning.
Doggett: *wipes his eyes* Thank you.
IL: I have another idea. For the next portion of the show, we will be strolling down Memory Lane and looking at the Best Clips of Their Lives. [a/n: Right here, all I really wanted to do was make fun of Mulder’s Season 6 haircut…but those darn characters never do what I want]
Scully: That’s just sick. What do you have, a closet-full of tapes labeled like “Scully eating breakfast?”
IL: Darn it all! We DON’T have one called that!
Voice: Yeah. We’ve got Scully in the Shower (actually, we have 2 versions of that), and Scully In Her Underwear, and…
Scully: That’s perfectly disgusting!
IL: And there’s the one called Mulder And His “Woman Tapes.” Thankfully his body screened the TV…
Scully: By the way, Mulder, what happened to that collection?
Mulder: I um…I gave it to Frohike, right?
Langly: Since when?!
Byers: I wanna see those!
Langly: Come fight me for them!
Byers: Not until you put away the pepper spray.
Doggett: A charming example of why they call them bachelor – not bachelors, plural – pads.
Frohike: Hey, knock it off, you two! *shoves between them* I don’t have them. I still want them.
Scully: *arches her eyebrow* Really? Well, those tapes had better still have a zip code of 20500.
Mulder: But…well come on, it’s not MY fault if you refused to come into hiding with me!
Scully: I will never understand why it is that you’re so desperate to get married.
Mulder: OK, look. If I’d been married two years ago, I wouldn’t have been seduced by Diana Fowley—
Scully: WHAT?! Man, now I have to find her and kill her again.
Doggett: Huh?
Voice: According to an interview with the Digi Destined last year, Scully left Diana “bleeding from 17 stab wounds.”
IL: Stop squabbling, or I’m going to make sleeping bags fall from the sky.
Scully: That’s not funny.
Mulder: Hehehe.
Scully: I TOLD you, it’s not funny.
Mulder: That’s gonna be our honeymoon. We’re gonna go camping, and along the way I’m going to ditch both my clothes and my sleeping bag.
Scully: I guess it’ll get pretty cold when you’re sleeping outside the tent then, won’t it?
Mulder: Exactly. And then you’ll have no choice but to grant my wish.
Scully: Or I could just let you freeze to death.
Mulder: But then little William wouldn’t have a daddy! *tickles his toes*
Scully: Little William already doesn’t have a daddy. *William starts crying* See what you’ve done! *snatches him up* Joy…to the world…all the boys and girls…
Mulder: Look! It’s a subconscious reaction!
Scully: He LIKES that song. *William stops crying*
Mulder: You know…it’s not my fault that the government is trying to kill me.
IL: OK, I think we’ve had enough squabbling for the day. We really do need to get back to interviewing the agents who are actually assigned to the X-Files, Reyes and Doggett.
Voice: I’m bored. I thought we brought them in for the interview so that we WOULDN’T be bored.
IL: Have patience, you lazy voice.
Mulder: OK, Agent Reyes…you told me that you got to go into a parallel dimension? That was unfair and I wanna know how you did it.
Doggett: Why? YOU already popped through the Bermuda Triangle.
Scully: That wasn’t a case report!
Doggett: It was on the videotapes, though.
Scully: I hate you.
Reyes: ANYWAY, yeah, it was kind of strange. One second, John was having tea at my apartment, and the next second, I was at a crime scene, and Doggett was hit by a car and hovering near death. Wait…that’s not how it happened.
Doggett: Wanna watch the tape?
Scully: Where did you get hold of those tapes?!
IL: That’s his reward for being nice enough to come back to my show without needing coercion.
Mulder: I wasn’t coerced!
Doggett: Yes, you were.
Rod: I don’t mean to interrupt, but Dave The Friendly Manager says you’re dangerously close to losing the “Interview” part of your title.
IL: He says this NOW? After eight shows, 6 of which did not qualify as interviews?
Rod: He’s a little slow. *reads a memo passed to him* I mean, he was just trying to give you every possible chance to redeem yourself on your own.
IL: Right. But I’ll placate him anyway. Mulder, Doggett and Scully need to answer some questions. *pause* Um, Voice? I need some questions.
Rod: I could always ask some callers…
IL: NO.
Voice: Wait, wait, I’ve got one! Who wants to see our hottest, newest, right off the presses tape??
Doggett: Quick Monica, think! What’s happened to us lately? Should I punch somebody, or do you think it’s another embarrassing Scully tape?
Scully: I thought you liked protecting me.
Voice: Yeah, but see, then he got a new partner that was even hotter.
Reyes/Scully: Hotter??
IL: *snickers*
Doggett: Wait a minute. Nah, it can’t be anything bad. Go right ahead!
Voice: Too bad for him.
Doggett: Huh?
Tape: *shows Doggett leaning over to kiss Reyes*
Reyes: HEY! That’s not a real tape; that never happened! You’ve obviously been playing with Photo Shop!
Voice: Right, and neither are all those ones of Mulder and Scully kissing.
Reyes: But this IS fake!
Doggett: *looks up* I didn’t hear my voice saying any embarrassing words, so…AHHH!!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY PERSONAL MEMORIES -- *snaps mouth shut*
Reyes: Your what?
Doggett: Um…I have to go…leave…now…*races for the bathroom*
Reyes: Get back here!
IL: I love when they forget about the cameras. *Turns on the bathroom cam*
(John has his head in a sink full of water)
Reyes: John! *races over to him* Don’t you dare! *yanks him up*
Doggett: *sputters* I was just washing up!
Reyes: You have too much to live for! *looks at him imploringly* John…
Doggett: *claps his hand over her mouth* Shut up! Look up there! *points into the camera* See that little hole in the wall with the flashing red light? That’s the camera, with which we are currently being spied upon. So I advise saying nothing until you get home. Actually, scratch that. I’d advise saying absolutely nothing for the rest of your life.
IL: Damn! I hate when they remember the cameras!
Voice: So we gathered.
Mulder: Are we done now?
IL: Man, it’s really hard to keep track of you, Voice, Scully, Reyes, Doggett, William, and Rod all at once.
[v/n: Voice note: This is an example of a frustrated writer not knowing what to write next.]
Rod: This? This is nothing. Wait until I bring in Skinner and Marita and Krycek –
Mulder: Krycek the rat is so dead. He’s deader than rock.
Krycek’s Voice: MULDER…
Mulder: AH! (Krycek comes through the door) You can survive a lot, but I know for a FACT that you can’t survive with a bullet in your brain!
Krycek: Oh yeah, Knowle turned me into a super soldier right before I died. You should have waited to be sure I was dead before you ran off.
IL: He did not.
Krycek: Yes, he did!
Voice: Liar.
Krycek: Boo.
Mulder: AH! I am afraid of one thing in the world, and that’s an invincible Krycek.
Scully: And fire. And spiders. And alien bodies –
IL: Oh yeah! Mulder, we have a really funny tape of you letting out a girly scream.
Scully: And of me leaving you – I should so do that on April Fool’s Day.
Mulder: HAH! Did you hear that? She said she loved me!
Scully: I did not.
Mulder: I couldn’t be afraid of you leaving me unless you were WITH me in the first place!
Scully: *rolls eyes* Fine. Think whatever you want.
Mulder: *gets up and dances* She loves me, she loves me!
IL: Real love is forbidden at the IFFI radio station.
Dave the Angry Manager: (popping through the door) Ms. Interviewer, if you don’t get on with the show RIGHT NOW, you’re fired.
IL: No one fires me. I fire people.
Dave the Angry Manager: I’m waiting.
IL: Oh, all right. Rod, bring out the plot device…I mean, that little package you have.
Rod: Oh, you want Mr. Extra-Terrestrial? *wheels out an obviously plastic alien body*
IL: Yep. Look Mulder, aliens were green all along!
Mulder: *snort* You can no longer tempt me with petty offerings of “the truth.” The truth is: the Bible is alien, Super-Soldiers are currently overrunning the earth, and we can’t do a thing to stop it.
IL: *stares* That’s it? Over eight years of searching and investigating, and now you don’t care?
Scully: You’d better care; your son has to grow up in this future world of the doomed!
Mulder: But I don’t WANT to! I want us to get married and live happily ever after!
Scully: Mulder, I have a job to think of. In fact, I not only have a job, but I could quit that job at any time and have my pick of several different careers. I can have a career in law enforcement, medicine, OR teaching. Face it: my life is rich and promising.
Except for the slight problem I have where various people constantly try to kill members of my family…
Mulder: See, I don’t even have to worry about that anymore – my whole family is now gone.
Scully: But, if you marry me, all of my family becomes your family.
Mulder: Damn! That’s right, if I marry you, I have to be part of Bill’s family! Do you think we could maybe focus those Super Soldiers onto him instead of you and William?
Scully: No.
Mulder: Can I kill him, then?
Scully: Absolutely not.
Mulder: Please? I’ve killed like 3 people and never been caught.
IL: You realize you just said that on the radio.
Mulder: Crap.
Dave the Angry Manager: 3…2…1…
IL: So, Mulder. When was the last time you saw an actual, concealed-by-the-government, non-super-soldier alien?
Voice: I have a better question. Mulder, how many different kinds of aliens ARE there?
Mulder: Oh! I’m good at this. I made up a chart! *pulls it out*
Doggett: You just carry around a 2 x 3 foot chart on aliens?
Mulder: You never know when it might come in handy.
Number 1: Small gray aliens. They have large black eyes and were the ones who landed at Roswell.
Number 2: Alien Bounty Hunters. These look like your average man, bearing a disturbing resemblance to Knowle Roher, but can transform themselves into anyone they see. They bleed acidic green blood and can only be killed with a sharp stabby thing in the back of the neck.
Number 3: Oilens. These are ancient virus-type aliens that survive in oil and use people as hosts. You can tell if a person is infected with oiliens because their eyes will turn black and oily.
Reyes: How many times can you say oil in one sentence?!
Mulder: Up to 20.
Number 4: Hualiens A/K/A super-soldiers. They suck a lot because they REFUSE TO DIE!
Number 5: Bill Scully.
Voice: Oh, this I’ve got to hear.
Mulder: Bill Scully is identified as an alien because of his unusual aversion to talented people. He is incapable of human humor. This type of alien is also called a Pompous Jackass. Most of all, you can tell he’s alien because he hates ME, the Great and Wonderful Mulder.
Voice: A lot of people hate you. Like, everyone in the Syndicate, for instance.
Mulder: There is no Syndicate any more, idiot.
Scully: You know, I’m really starting to appreciate the days way back when…when all we did was fight real people, who had weapons like handguns, and just tried to prove that they had gray alien corpses in their possession. Back when they only wanted to kill Mulder, not me.
Krycek: *spooky ghost voice* MUULLLLDDEERRRRR…
Mulder: Yeah? Well I miss the days when I got to go looking for my sister all the time and I “knew” she was abducted by aliens. That was way more interesting than “She was kidnapped by my biological father and experimented on until she died.”
Krycek: Hey! Look up! I’m here! Helllooo?? I’m haunting you! X-File in front of your eyes!
Doggett: What exactly is your purpose in being here?
Krycek: Well, let’s see. Mulder let out a girly scream when I walked in the door and –
Voice: Speaking of girly, should we show this one really cool tape of Mulder and Krycek?
Scully: What tape?
Mulder: I have no idea.
Krycek: Why do none of you care that I’M A FREAKING GHOST?
Mulder: Well…because no one ever really cared about you, you miserable excuse for a rat.
[a/n: Every time I tried to work him in…the characters ran off with a different storyline]
Reyes: Plus, um, in place of legs you have a sort of wispy tail…
Krycek: Huh? *Looks down* AH! STUPID GHOST BODY, half of it moves and half of it doesn’t…
Mulder: One of those nasty little side effects that happens after you try to murder me.
Krycek: I never tried. I CHOSE to let you live those 3 times.
Mulder: You chose to be shot to death?
Krycek: …
Mulder: Didn’t think so. Now, can we get back to reviewing the types of aliens?
(Krycek floats through the ceiling to go sulk in the attic)
Voice: No.
William: *bursts into loud wails*
Scully: Shh! He’s just hungry. I’ve got a bottle in here…somewhere…*begins digging in the bottomless diaper bag*
ARGH! I’ll find it.
William: *wails louder*
Mulder: Ow…I didn’t know babies cried so much.
Scully: *head under table, buried in bag* Well of course not, seeing as how you DITCHED ME two days after he was born…
Reyes: Here, I’ll take him. *cradles him in her arms* Aww, he’s so cute…come on, Will, stop crying…
IL: CUTE? I have rules about babies, crying, and a 1-mile radius around me.
Scully: *gets fed up with the search for the bottle and throws the bag at Mulder* YOU find it.
Mulder: Ah, here we go. *Immediately pulls it out of the side pouch and hands it to Reyes*
Reyes: Come on…take the bottle…(William keeps crying) Come on…William, don’t be difficult…
Mulder: Maybe you should give him back to his daddy.
Scully: He doesn’t have a daddy. He has a mommy and a man who shows up at the house for 2 days at a time and then leaves again.
Mulder: Will you please stop blaming me for that? I’m here now, aren’t I?
Scully: *finally gets William to take the bottle* And how long will it be before you leave again?
Doggett: Oh, will you two just stuff a sock in it? *mimics* “Scully, let’s get married.” “No, I hate you because you always leave.” You were partners for how long, seven years? You must have had a few fights in that time, but you’ve evidently made up before…
IL: Babies ruin everything, I’m not kidding.
Scully: Watch it. But you know, Mulder, now that I think about it, you HAVE been extremely irritating in the past…
Doggett: No, wait a second, hold on. You’re supposed to stop fighting, not think of new things to fight about!
Scully: Like, for one, I had to go on a date, get a tattoo of poison ink, and nearly die before you agreed to give me a desk. Which I had for about a year, until it burned up in the office fire. You then failed to replace it.
Caller 2: Hello, my name is Steve. I have a question and a request.
IL: I don’t fulfill requests and only occasionally answer questions.
Steve: Bring Byers back in here! I want to know what Susanne Modeski’s new name is.
Byers: *runs back in and gasps* How dare you ask that! If anyone discovers her true identity, she’ll be killed! The love of my life! *eyes water* And I’ll never see her again…
Frohike: Oh, boo-hoo. Why don’t you go rejoin the FCC; maybe she’ll appear at another convention.
Scully: You used to work for the FCC?
Byers: Um, well, uh…
IL: THAT is pathetic. “Hi, my name is John Byers and I’m an FCC spokesperson.”
Mulder: Hah-hah! That’s right, you were a nerdy little FCC worker! I almost forgot about that!
Byers: OK, Mulder, I didn’t want to have to say this, but didn’t you work at KFC from age 16 through a year after college?
Mulder: *narrows eyes* We don’t talk about that here.
Byers: I’m almost sure I recall you parading around in a cute little rubber chicken suit. Don’t you?
Mulder: No.
Byers: Aw, that’s a shame. Look! *displays a handful of photographs*
Mulder: AHH! YOU JERK! I can’t BELIEVE you just did that! (he attempts to grab the photos, but Doggett has already snatched a couple, handing one over to Reyes and the other to Scully)
Scully: I think this might be the Byers version of playing dirty. I’m impressed.
Frohike: Yeah, you’re not really the type to do anything that amuses others.
Byers: I don’t know exactly what that means, but OK.
Doggett: Although I am more than mildly amused by Mulder’s public humiliation, I can’t help but be curious as to why you are carrying 25-year-old photos of Mulder in your wallet.
Frohike: *pause as he looks at Byers* Yeah, that is a little weird.
Byers: Were you not paying attention to what I just did?
Langly: So you’ve been carrying these pictures around for 12 years just on the off-chance you’d appear on a radio show with Mulder and have a need to take revenge on him?
Voice: He can see into the future! Open an X-File!
IL: Stop pestering the man to open X-files. Although, if you’re in the mood, I wouldn’t mind knowing where this Voice came from.
Voice: HEY! I told you, I’m not a stinking case file! I’m just a calm, pleasant voice! So Mulder, what do you think? (Mulder doesn’t answer, as he is busily tearing the rest of the photos to shreds and grinding the remains into the floor with his heel) Mulder. Muldy…FOXY!
Mulder: What’s that, Scully?
Scully: AHEM. Does that sound like something I’d call you? Not in a million years.
IL: Strange how he looked right up at you, though.
Scully: Ha. Ha. Ha-ha-ha.
Mulder: I think I’ve been banned from opening new X-files since getting fired from the FBI.
Voice: Since when has being banned from something prevented you from doing it?
Mulder: Since…um…since I discovered how great life is when you get to sit around the house all day drinking beer and watching movies with the volume blasting?
Scully: See, that is something that would change drastically if you married me.
Dave: (opening the door and interrupting) Hello, Interview Lady.
IL: Dave, do you work on the X-Files? Have you ever been employed by the FBI?
Dave: Can’t say as I have.
IL: Then please exit my interview room.
Dave the Threatening Manager: However, I do have the power to take you on and off the air, and as it is 7:00 pm, your show is now up against both Survivor and Friends, which means your show will crash and burn in the ratings game unless I replace you right now with a live performance by the popular band of the month.
IL: Which is?
Dave: It’s either Diva Toss or Slap Factory, I forget which.
Voice: Bit violent-sounding, these popular bands, aren’t they? Maybe there are more fans of the Interview Lady Hour than you think.
IL: *stares* That’s it? That’s your plan to overthrow Friends – music by “Slap Factory?” You think that’s better than MY show?!
Dave: Pretty much, yes.
IL: I see. Hey Voice, would you like to start placing bets with me about how much longer Dave will be the manager around here?
Voice: Sure.
Dave: *smirks* Nevertheless, as of today I am still the manager, which means that today I get to tell you, “Your show is over, say goodbye to the nice agents.” *points out the door*
Mulder: Wait a minute! I haven’t gotten to beat up Doggett yet!
Scully: I’ll marry you if you promise never to try beating him up again.
Mulder: But…but…well, what if I just kick him a couple times?
Scully: What if I just marry you for a couple of days?
Mulder: I could accept that.
Doggett: Due to the fact that you’re only home a couple of days at a time anyway, you mean?
Mulder: Hey Scully, what if I just beat up his dog?
Duke: *growls savagely* *sinks teeth into Mulder’s leg and refuses to let go*
Mulder: OW! Damn poodle! *hops out the door, trying in vain to shake it off, while it chews harder*
Doggett: See? I have a tough attack dog, it doesn’t matter what breed he or she is. Excuse me, I’d better go call her off. Once she reaches bone on the leg, she moves up… *leaves*
Reyes: John, wait! She can’t possibly have cameras out in the middle of the sidewalk, can she? I have something to tell you! *runs off*
Frohike: OK. We better get back to work. We heard something about biological toxins and Yves Adele Harlow is back and possibly evil this time… (The Gunmen leave)
Scully: *looks around and realizes she’s the last person left* Are we done here?
IL: *sighs* I guess.
Scully: Wonderful. It’s been so much fun chatting with you. I have to go change my address, phone number, car, bank account, driver’s license, hair color, and possibly name now. Don’t feel bad if you have a hard time getting a hold of me in the future. *picks up William and goes home*
IL: I won’t. (have a hard time with it)
Voice: Well, that was fun. Until the part where you totally caved to the station manager.
IL: Don’t remind me. I hate when I have to actually listen to the people in charge.
Voice: Why did you?
IL: Because Natalie on a mini-vacation, and she took all the Tokos and Pikachus with her.
Voice: It wouldn’t be because you’re losing your touch as an interviewer, would it?
IL: *gasp* How dare you say such a thing! I shall pummel you for your insolence!
Voice: Pummel what, my invisible body?
IL: That’s it. You are banished to the attic with Krycek’s ghost.
Krycek: It’s not that bad up there. It’s got a great view.
Voice: I refuse!
IL: Don’t make me put on the sound-proof headphones.
Voice: *gasp*
IL: I thought so. Goodbye, Voice. Actually wait. You don’t have to leave. You can stay here and freak out the Slap and Tickle or whatever the band’s name was.
Dave: Ahem, it is SLAP FACTORY!
IL: Whatever…I’m going home. I may need sizable quantities of Pretty Colors vodka, weed, and pills to get over this bland end to the week.
Rod the Producer: Want me to come with you?
IL: Don’t you have to stay here and help the next act?
Rod: Nah. I can pretty much set my own hours at work. Plus I have a bunch of good ideas for future shows that I think deserve to be discussed in detail. I’m sort of an outside perspective, you know. Your ideas are pure genius of course, but I was just hoping for the chance to be included.
IL: Well, I guess so, but only because I have nobody else to talk to.
Voice: I’m not good company?!
IL: You have a habit of being rather sarcastic.
Voice: Not at all like you, of course.
IL: See, like that statement right there.
Rod: So that’s a yes?
IL: Yes. But you have to drive your own car. I don’t want people making false assumptions.
Rod: What if they were true?
(Scully’s Distant Voice: See? It’s not fun when it happens to you, is it?!)
IL: *glares*
Rod: Right, got it, only work-related comments allowed.
IL: Splendid. Here, help me carry this out to my car.
Rod: Is that Scully’s purse??
IL: Shh. Don’t ask questions and I’ll let you share the Pretty Colors.
Rod: Fine by me! (He gets into one car, IL gets into another, and they disappear into the traffic. At the station, Dave is finding out that “Slap Factory” is not actually a musical act, but a monologue by a middle-aged woman about the problems of working in customer service. Meanwhile, Reyes and Doggett are bonding over Sniffles’ bubble bath as they clean all of Mulder’s blood off him. Meanwhile, Scully is dressing Mulder’s dog-bite wounds while arguing about who is going to feed William in the middle of the night if they get married. With his leg encased in bandaging from ankle to mid-thigh, Mulder hobble-stomps off back to hire a cab to take him back to his shack in Nevada, William wails, and Scully stuffs earplugs into her ears and begins looking up adoption agencies on the internet. And back at the station, the voice is busy arguing with Krycek…)
Krycek: You call yourself evil? I am clearly more evil than you are. I double-crossed people all the time, got them killed, killed them myself…
Voice: I pop into peoples’ heads all the time and read their private, most innermost thoughts. Then I repeat them out loud for the whole world to hear.
Krycek: How is that more evil than me committing murder?
Voice: Well, because by repeating your private intention (“I’m going to kill Mulder in the parking garage”) to Skinner, I got *you* killed.
Krycek: I KEEL YOU NOW!
Voice: Nope, sorry, not alive, can’t be killed. Can annoy you for all of eternity though, now that you’re a ghost.
Krycek: Being a ghost sucks way more than it should.

---

THE END

THANK-YOUS
1. Chris Carter and Ten Thirteen of The X-Files, of course, for letting our stars come to play. He claims he’s going to make a movie with them some day, but at the rate he’s going, William will be the agent investigating the case.
2. “Tapes of Your Lives” is a not-so-clever spoof on the soap opera Days of your Lives, of course.
3. Band Name of the Day, an idea I first read in the Pioneer Press. These particular names, however, came from jugglernaut.blogspot.com
4. “Movies in Fifteen Minutes” (look it up), specifically the Hidalgo story, for the line I “I keel you now!” The real line is “I KEEL YOU WITH CHEETAHS OF DEATH!” (OK, so her line was better, but the concept really amused me so I threw it in).
5. Lisa, as always, for creating Pretty Colors, even if we only mentioned them in passing
6. You know the song “David Duchovny,” by Bree Sharp, where she says she’ll be waiting in Nevada…?
7. Thanks for the brief mentions of Digimon, Xena, Ally McBeal, and Harry Potter. You know, Toei, some other company, David E. Kelly, J.K. Rowling. The usual.
8. This has got to be the shortest thank-you list in the history of Interview Lady.

OTHER FINAL NOTES:
I really wanted to throw in some Lone Ghostmen jokes, but I thought I should save that in case I ever wanted to do a third story.

In IL #7 (Digimon), Natalie randomly decided to start off with Rod the Producer being IL’s boyfriend. Although this story comes just before it chronologically, it wasn’t finished first, so I decided to explain how the boyfriend thing came about with the ending of this one. Hurray for inventing continuity!

I worked on this story VERY sporadically…so much so that it took me from September 2001 until September 2005. By the time I finished, X-Files was not only off the air but had been replaced as my favorite show by C.S.I. Nevertheless…I hope you enjoyed this story.

This is the only time in history that an I.L. story has been shorter than a previous version with the same characters.