Chapter 9: Volleyball, Rock Tumbling, and the Return of the Pictionary
NORTH BEACH
IL: Now that the brats are gone…where are our servants? I mean employees?
Nat: You mean employee and boyfriend? Well, you sent the latter one off with Snowflake, but Mulder’s still here. Mulder, go get the beach chairs. Mix some margaritas while you’re at it.
Mulder: What was that?
Nat: I’m sorry…please “deliver” the beach chairs and margaritas to us.
Mulder: I notice my job description seems to have warped from “delivery boy” to “personal slave.” I would like to see my contract.
Nat: For one thing, I said “please.” That upgrades you to at least “personal indentured servant.” If you don’t like that, we can revoke your salary and change it to “blackmailed servant.”
Mulder: *mumbles something about “they’ll be sorry when the aliens colonize the planet”* Fine, why don’t you just put the tapes on the Internet? It’s not like I’m a celebrity, or anything.
*cell phone suddenly starts playing "Johnny is my Darling"*
Nat: What, did you you and IL find a special on Civil War ringtones?
Mulder: *answers it* Hello?
Scully: How dare you think of letting those tapes go public? There are scenes of me admitting you’re right.
Mulder: *too interested* Really? Are you sure?
Scully: Yes. There was that time I suggested that murders might have something to do with witchcraft in the form of a possessed doll – I mean, no. Nothing major, really.
Mulder: So in other words, there’s really no reason for me to continue slaving away at this stupid job.
Scully: No, nothing at all. Except for you going insane, letting out girly screams, getting fired, and finding out that aliens don’t exist.
Mulder: *gasps and covers ears* How dare you dredge up that horrible memory! *hangs up* OK, where are the stupid lawn chairs?
IL: Beach chairs. *sweetly* Over there. *points about 20 feet away*
Mulder: You have got to be kidding me. It would have taken you less time than you spent arguing with me to get them yourself.
Nat: That’s not the point. Besides, we didn’t know you were going to argue. And if you hadn’t argued, you wouldn’t have brought up those horrible memories.
Mulder: *stalks off*
Nat: What about our chairs?
IL: And our drinks?!
WEST SIDE
Davis: Let’s go swimming.
Matt: Why?
Davis: Because we have swimsuits?
Matt: No thanks. I’ve had enough swimming for the rest of the summer.
Davis: Then let’s go see what the other tribe is doing.
Matt: Can’t you ever be entertained by just doing nothing?
Davis: …no? I have a very short attention span. *punches Matt* Tag! You’re It! *runs*
Matt: Why you…*chases him*
Tai: Haha, you’re so stupid.
Matt: Oh yeah? *punches him* You’re It now.
Tai: You forgot to run away, so…
Matt: No tag-backs. You can’t tag someone right after they tag you. You must wait at least 20 seconds.
Tai: Dang…wait, you can’t just add rules in the middle of a game.
Matt: “No tag-backs” is a standard tag rule, therefore, it is implied at the beginning of the game unless otherwise specified.
Tai: What were we arguing about, again?
Matt: Tag, you moron.
Tai: Oh yeah. *pokes Matt in the arm* You’re It! *runs away*
Matt: Dang…he did that on purpose. Tai, get back here, you weasel!
Tai: Why? You can’t tag me back for 20 seconds.
Matt: That doesn’t take any satisfaction out of pounding you into the ground.
Davis: *from sidelines* Na-na-na-na-na! *sticks tongue out*
Matt: Don’t push your luck. *runs after Tai*
Tai: I still have 10 seconds!
Matt: I can easily follow you around until those 10 seconds are up. I mean…7…6…5…
Tai: Ahh! *runs away* No fair, you have to chase Davis and Jun too.
Matt: *laughs* Why would I ever want to chase Jun? Hey wait, if I’m It, she’ll keep away from me. Maybe being It isn’t so bad. Hear that, Jun? You have to run away from me! …Jun? Where is she?
Tai: I don’t know.
Davis: Me either, who cares?
Jun: *appears out of the bushes* Hi Mattsy! I picked you some wildflowers.
Matt: Stay away. I’m It.
Jun: Aw…don’t feel bad, Matt. I’ll make you feel better. *advances towards him*
Matt: You don’t get it. We’re playing TAG; you have to run away.
Jun: That doesn’t sound like a fun game.
Matt: Sure it is. I run away from you all the time! It’s lots of fun!
Jun: OK! *runs away*
Matt: All right Tai, where did you go?
Davis: He’s behind that bush.
Tai: *from behind bush* No I’m not, I’m hiding in the hut!
Davis: *from inside the hut* Jerk! (Matt heads toward Tai’s voice)
Tai: Eeeeh! *runs off toward the other side of the island*
Matt: I’m going to get you back! *follows*
Davis: …don’t leave me here alone!! …I mean with Jun.
Jun: Mattsy wait for me! (both Motimiyas follow)
EAST SIDE
TK: So, Kari, what’s up?
Martin: *nonchalantly whittling a stick* Don’t you ever get tired of getting rejected by her? Maybe you should try a different strategy of winning her over…or a different girl.
TK: What are you talking about? Kari loves me!
Kari: *snort*
Martin: You’re starting to sound kind of like that obsessing-girl-Jun-or-something…only in male form.
Kari: Don’t say such truthful things!
TK: That’s a lie and you know it! You – Martin. C’mere a minute. (Martin complies) I don’t know why I hate you – aside from the fact that you seem determined to come between me and Kari – but you ‘d better stop getting on my nerves or there will be consequences. Consequences you won’t like.
Martin: Now you sound like Izzy. Maybe that’s what you need – to find your own true identity.
TK: Or maybe you’re just a hateable person. (Sudden appearance of helicopter…)
Kari: ENOUGH with the helicopter already! It’s messing up my hair!
Tai: *running out of the bushes* He’s after me, he’s after me! …oh, hi guys.
Matt: *nonchalantly walking out of the bushes* Hey.
Kari: You weren’t…chasing Tai…were you?
Matt: Nah. I don’t chase people. Especially not other guys.
Tai: Liar! (Jun and Davis run out of the bushes)
Davis: *pant*
Jun: Mattsy!
Nat’s Voice: Thank you for gathering all together…very convenient. Now if you would all just relocate to the beach we can start the next challenge.
TK: That was not enough of a break. We just barely got back to camp. You keep telling us we’ll have hours off and instead you come get us in like 15 minutes.
Nat’s Voice: Boohoo. Let’s go.
--------
IL: Welcome to the next challenge.
Davis: Woo. Hoo.
IL: Shut up or I’ll sic a Pikachu on you.
Matt: Those were those fuzzy blue and white striped things with one horn, right?
TK: Umm, no. That was Gabumon.
Nat: Apparently you need to be pika-shocked more often.
IL: Anyway. This next challenge will be a 4 on 4 beach volleyball game. The first team to 15 will win.
Martin: *raises hand* Where is the net?
Nat: That is part of the first challenge. The 8 of you have to set up the net within the next 15 minutes or we will release our three favorite Pikachus.
Martin: Oh yeah! Them! I remember them! They’re bad. I don’t like Pikachus much.
Davis: Why do we have to do it? Why couldn’t you get Mulder to set it up? He could deliver the parts to the ground and then deliver the net to the posts.
(IL and Nat exchange glances)
Nat: We wanted you to do it. It’s more entertaining for us.
Izzy: Yeah right. Where is Mulder, anyway?
IL: He’s taking a break.
Izzy: Since when do you let your employees take breaks?
Rod: *returns from “delivering” Joe to Camp Snowflake* Mulder gets a break? I want a break too!
IL: I could give you a break, but then I’d have to give the Pikachus a break too. And when they go on break, they like to play Electric Tag with the other employees, so you wouldn’t get much of a break. You’d spend most of it running away, trying not to get shocked, and then you’d be more tired than before you took the break.
Rod: I’d follow the logic, but that sentence was just too long.
Martin: In addition to the fact that she said “break” 5 times. Ever hear of a thesaurus?
IL: No, but I’ve heard of Snowflake’s Detention Camp. It’s even more fun than Camp Snowflake.
Nat: In other words, anyone not currently employed by the NAILS show or holding a radio broadcasting license, set up the volleyball net.
Tai: *lies down under a lovely maple tree* Ah, it’s my lucky day! You guys go have fun.
IL: Haven’t you learned your lesson about disobeying orders yet?
Tai: You said people with radio broadcasting licenses don’t have to set it up. And see, I took this class at school called Radio and TV Journalism. Look! *digs card out of pocket* See? Tai Kamiya. Radio Personality.
Nat: You printed that off the computer!
Tai: How dare you suggest such a thing!
Nat: *reads off the bottom* http://www.license.com/make_your_own.phtml
Tai: *grabs it back* Oh my goodness! I was given a falsified document! *grins hopefully*
IL: Just go set up the net.
Tai: Fine.
Davis: *tangled in a net* Help! Help! Now I know how dolphins feel! Stupid fishermen!
Martin: People don’t fish for dolphins, idiot.
Kari: *gasps* Martin! You finally insulted Davis! Good job.
TK: Of all the stupid things Ken did – actually, of all the dumb things Davis has already done – why is it that this one remark so annoyed you?
Martin: I don’t know! Just set up the stupid game!
Kari: Whoa.
Izzy: *whistling* Told you so…
Kari: Is there another side of you coming out? Do you have a split personality? …you’re not Bevan, are you?
Martin: No. It’s nothing, I just enjoy when things are done efficiently, that’s all. *puts up the net more or less by himself, in silence*
Davis: I bet if Cody were here, he’d say something about not holding in your feelings, and sharing things that bother you.
Matt: That’s precisely why Cody is not here.
Davis: IL! Make Martin talk!
Martin: *pales* It’s…my clarinet! I can’t get over the image of it being…BURIED in MUD! The keys are stuck; it will never be in tune again!
Davis: Oh. Is that all? That’s boring. Let’s play volleyball now. Spike! (it ricochets off Matt’s head) Uh-oh…
Matt: What the – YOU! *chases after Davis with intent to injure*
Martin: It’s nice to know they care.
IL: *blows whistle* All right! We’re ready to go, so pick your first server, everyone, and take your places.
Davis: Me! I’m the first server!
Jun: I have to stand by Matt. *jumps to the front*
Tai: So I guess I’m in back.
Izzy: I’ll serve.
Kari: Fine, but then I’m next.
TK: I think I’ll stand by Kari. Martin, you go back there with your buddy Izzy.
IL: Pick a number between 1 and 10.
Davis: 13!
Izzy: 2, although you’ve already decided who goes first anyway.
IL: Davis it is.
Izzy: Blatant disregard for their own rules.
IL: Didn’t you hear us say “between one and twenty?”
Davis: Oh boy! *tries to serve the correct way, but hits his wrist instead of the ball. The ball falls to the ground* Do-over! *tries to spike it, but hits Matt in the back*
Matt: If you do that ONE more time, I swear…
IL: *blows whistle* Two failures; ball goes to Izzy!
Davis: What? But I called do-over, that means it doesn’t count. (Izzy serves; it hits the sand at Davis’ feet while he argues)
Matt: Davis!
Davis: What?
Matt: Pay attention! *Izzy serves again*
Davis: Got it! *bumps it wildly; it goes flying into the air and comes straight down*
Tai: No, I got it. *takes aim and uses a header to get it over the net*
Nat: *blows whistle* Foul!
Tai: Why?
Matt: You can’t hit it with you head, idiot! You have to use your hands. This isn’t soccer.
Tai: Whaa? But – I can’t just switch mentalities like that! I’ve never touched a ball with my hands in my whole life! Except for this one time I got a yellow card. But I didn’t really touch it. The ref was blind. Only my finger touched it, not my whole hand.
Davis: But that’s only a penalty kick, not a yellow card.
Tai: You didn’t let me finish…so then I argued with the ref. (Izzy, meanwhile, scores 3 more points)
Matt: Maybe the three of you should just sit out for a while. I bet our score will triple.
Davis: 3 x 0 is still 0. I think.
Tai: Hahaha, Matt’s dumber than Davis.
Matt: Shut up. (Izzy serves again; Matt uses the collected rage to send it back over the net. Martin instinctively ducks to avoid being hit, and the ball hits the sand)
TK: Martin, you idiot! You cost us the point.
Martin: No, it just means the ball goes to their side. Besides, he could have killed me with a shot like that. There was murder in his eyes.
Tai: Matt always looks that way. He wants to murder Jun, though. Nobody else. Least of all me. By the way, we should rotate now. (Matt serves)
Kari: Got it! *bumps it…backwards* (Izzy quickly corrects it; Martin tries to hit it over the net but doesn’t quite make it, so TK finishes. Matt calmly catches the ball)
TK: Hah! You lose!
Matt: Regulation volleyball rules say one side can only hit it three times in succession.
IL: But this is Digi Survivor Beach Volleyball, so no dice.
Matt: (@#*&$%! (Izzy serves it over, Jun volleys wildly and sends it over the net. Izzy sends it back, and Matt and Izzy go back and forth. And back and forth.)
Izzy: *yawns*
Matt: MISS, darn it!
Izzy: OK, I’m bored. Watch out for Jun!
Matt: What?? *ball hits sand as he looks around* Oh, hah. Hah.
(Izzy’s side rotates and Matt kicks the ball under the net to Kari)
Kari: 5-0. *serves overhand*
Davis: Ah! *ducks*
Matt: Idiot! (Matt dives into the sand to keep the ball from hitting the ground, spraying sand but missing his target)
Tai: Ow! You got sand in my eye! I can’t play like this.
Kari: 6-0.
Davis: I’ve got it this time! (He sticks out his arms and attempts to bump the ball) Ow! Why would anyone want to play this game? At least with soccer you get to wear shoes to protect your feet.
Matt: Shut up! Just play the game. (He volleys the ball back over the net)
Izzy: 3-2-1 move! (Izzy bumps the ball to TK, who sets it so Martin can spike it straight down over the net)
Davis: No fair, that’s cheating.
IL: No, it’s perfectly legal.
Davis: Fine! *picks up the ball and throws it as hard as he can at Martin* 3-2-1 lookout!
IL: That’s assault on an opposing teammate. I think that’s worth some time off to the side.
Davis: What? I’m not playing anymore then!
TK: I think that’s the idea.
Matt: Obviously, we’re so good that she had to give us a handicap to make it more equal.
Izzy: You don’t even have one point. We have seven.
Jun: It’s OK, Mattsy. Even if we lose, I’ll give you lots of comforting hugs!
Matt: *eyes bug out* *slams the next one over the net and into TK’s face*
TK :AH! My eye! I disown you as a brother.
Matt: Boohoo. And I gain control. OK, imagine ball is Jun’s head…*serves it over the net and scores*
Martin: TK! Group huddle.
Nat: No time.
Izzy: We have nothing but time. We’re on an island with nothing to do but play your stupid games.
Nat: Careful, talking back to the refs can’t possibly be good for the welfare of your team. Remember Tai’s yellow card? (Play continues more-or-less uninterrupted until the score reaches 14-7, in favor of Matt’s team)
Izzy: This cannot be happening.
Martin: I’ve never lost anything in my life! Except first-chair clarinet a couple of times. Or three. But that doesn’t count, because I was actually better than every other player. They just needed some leadership for the second clarinets.
Izzy: Huh…we do have a lot in common.
Martin: That’s what I’ve been saying, I don’t know why you hate me.
Izzy: *gasp* No! Must – resist – futile attempts to wrest my leadership position from me…
Matt: I hate to interrupt this self-discovery session, but… *serves the ball one last time*
(All 4 team members race to the center to hit it, and bounce off each other at perfect 90-degree angles, falling back on the sand. The ball falls harmlessly in the center. Izzy and Martin look like they can’t believe what just happened)
Matt: HAH!
Jun: *hugs him*
Matt: *yelps* You said you’d give me condolence hugs if we LOST!
Jun: But we won, so I can give you success hugs!
IL: *blasts air horn*
Davis: OW! *clamps hands over ears* What is THAT?
IL: I just got it – it’s a mail order thing. It’s also the new signal for “You lost, so it’s time to vote someone off.”
Nat: *holds up black device and pushes button. The sound of a school fire alarm cuts through the din*
Davis: *glares*
Nat: It was a 2-for-1 deal. That sound means “You’ve won, follow me to your prize.”
Davis: Why is the winning sound more annoying?
Nat: Only those willing to put up with our whims deserve this set of portable cooking equipment.
Matt: Lovely, except we have no food to cook.
Tai: It must be a signal that we’ll get food next time!
Nat: Yup, you can have anything you can carry back to camp. (the team departs)
IL: Are you ready to vote?
Kari: Actually, no. The four of us have made a pact not to vote each other off, so we refuse to vote.
IL: I see. You know, there’s really nothing to stop me from sending all of you off to Camp Snowflake. You could just forfeit the entire team’s chances. Of course, that would mean Tai was able to outlast you on the island. Think about it – Tai AND Davis could say they figured out the game better than any of you.
Izzy: Lies. It would be you rigging the game (again).
IL: Nonetheless, it would stand on record that you lost.
TK: I can’t lose to MATT!
Izzy: Yet you have no problem losing to Davis?
TK: The magnitude of the idea of losing to Matt blocks out all other ideas.
Izzy: Impressive use of diction. (Translation: I’ve decided you’ve earned the right to stay on the island)
Martin: In the interest of not losing to dumb kids, we should probably go vote.
Kari: OK! I know I won’t get voted off, because you wouldn’t want to appear sexist or anything.
Boys: Um…right! *wink*
-----
IL: It’s vote-countin’ time! Vote 1: Kari.
Kari: Sexist pig!
IL: Vote 2: Kari
Kari: …what’s a synonym for sexist pig?
Martin: Well, I could tell you how to say it in German, but since you’re talking to me…
Kari: So you admit to voting for me.
IL: Well, Vote 3 is for Kari too. So unless you voted for yourself…
Kari: Fascists!
Izzy: Define “fascist.”
Kari: “Izzy.”
Izzy: Our votes to remove you from the island have been justified.
IL: OK, you have a 15 minute break before the next challenge.
TK: That’s it? On the real Survivor they have like 3 days between challenges!
IL: This is Digi Survivor – not the same thing.
Izzy: Besides, who would want to be on this island for a month?
Rod: Since everyone else has a break now, can I have one too?
IL: I’m afraid you need to deliver Kari to Camp Snowflake and help set up the next challenge.
Rod: This is slave labor. I demand a pay increase.
IL: Sorry, but a raise is not in our budget proposal for the year. If you would like to request a raise, you’ll have to make your request to the N.A.I.L.S. budget committee.
Rod: Who’s on the budget committee?
Nat: Dave the Stingy Manager.
Rod: Anyone else?
Nat: Nah.
Rod: Who pays your salary, then?
IL Bjorn the Omnipotent and All-Powerful Station Owner.
Rod: Why isn’t he paying my salary?
IL: Lowly producers are not worth the Omnipotent and All-Powerful Station Owner’s time.
Rod: What’s up with the title?
Nat: We get a bonus every time we refer to him as such on-air. No, producers are not eligible for the same bonus.
Rod: *closes mouth*
~~15 minutes later~~
IL: Now, go get the Digi Destined.
Rod: Can I drive the motorcycle?
Nat: We have a motorcycle?
Rod: No. I have a motorcycle. All mine. Bought with my own money and privately ferried to this island for the explicit use of one Rod the Producer.
IL: *whips out contract* Right here, under Title XV Line III: “Employees of the N.A.I.L.S. show may not be the driver of any vehicle unless expressly ordered to do so by the employers.” I do not order you to do so.
Rod: Why do you carry around a copy of my contract?
IL: In the event of a situation like this. *hands him a scroll with the next challenge on it* Run fast.
Rod: Grr…*dashes off*
IL: He was a track star in high school.
Nat: So, what, like a year ago?
SMARTONESWHOWINALL
Rod: *blazing off, catches up to Martin’s group halfway back to camp*
Izzy: Look, it’s a lowly producer.
Rod: Who’s getting paid to be here.
Izzy: Look! It tried to make a witty remark!
Rod: Ouch. I’m hurt, really. That makes it even more enjoyable to tell you it’s time to go back to the beach for the next challenge.
Izzy: WHAT?
Rod: Hehe. Authority is fun.
Izzy: You’d better watch yourself.
Martin: *points at Izzy* I take no responsibility for his actions.
CHAMPIONS OF THE ISLE
Rod: *blazes in opposite direction and catches up with Matt’s group just as they reach camp*
Davis: *falls over* I’m completely wiped out.
Tai: I never want to move again.
Rod: Hi guys! Time for the next challenge!
Matt: Look, it’s one of Interview Lady’s minions – of the two footed variety this time.
Rod: I’m not her minion! I’m her boyf…producer.
Davis: What’s a boyf producer?
Rod: I didn’t say boyf.
Davis: Yes you did, I heard you!
Rod: Wouldn’t you rather know why I’m here?
Matt: Are you going to do a magic trick and disappear?
Rod: Nope! I’m here to tell you to march to the beach and play another challenge.
Tai: WHAT?
Rod: Heeheehee!
Matt: What was that? That was like a girly…hyena-ish cackle.
Rod: Did I mention that you get to walk back to the beach and participate in a challenge?
Davis: Yes.
Matt: Can the challenge be who gives Rod the worst beating?
Rod: Er, leaving now, bye!
NORTH BEACH
TK: Let’s have the challenge be “who can sleep the longest.” *lies down*
Izzy: *kicks him*
Martin: Hey! No physical abuse.
Izzy: *makes fist*
Martin: …I think I need to…go…over…there now. *moves away*
IL: All right! Who’s ready for some more contests?
All: Not me.
Davis: Me!
Tai: Davis, I didn’t hear you say “not.”
Davis: I said it when everyone else said “me.” I was a little late.
Tai: You want to get punched?
Sparky: *shocks them*
Nat: That means you’ll have plenty of opportunities to injure yourselves during the challenge – not before.
IL: Right! So, everyone please look over here. You will see two very large boulders at the top of this hill.
Martin: Oh no. We’re not playing “bowling for kids.”
Matt: Unless it’s Jun.
Davis: *recovering from shock* Why are there chairs on the tops of them?
Matt: *smacks him* Don’t ask stupid questions!
Nat: I was hoping you’d ask. You see, the chair is slightly elevated so that it always remains on top no matter how the boulder rolls. One team member will sit in that chair while the other people steer it down the hill. You have to pass through 3 sets of flags for it to count. If you miss one, you have to push it back up and start over. Also, there are various trees off the path, so I suggest not veering, or you might crash into them. By the way, the chairs have no seatbelts or harnesses of any kind, and it’s a seven-foot fall. So take a minute to –
Izzy: *raises hand* Um, we have 3 people and they have 4.
IL: They do? Oh, I’m sorry. That’s not fair, is it?
Martin: No.
IL: *beams* Oh well!
Martin: Does that mean we don’t have to have a person in the chair?
Izzy: It’s OK. *grabs TK and Martin in a huddle* I say we put TK in the chair.
TK: Why me??
Izzy: So you can scream out “OH THE HUMANITY” without getting in trouble. The sound of the rolling rocks will be too loud. Also, I’m far too intelligent to risk falling from that chair, and even though Martin is not very smart, he is much smarter than you, which means that your death would be the least disruptive to the world.
Martin: The cold, calculating tone in your response as far as risking someone’s life is a little disturbing and makes me question your sanity.
Izzy: You want to sit in the chair?
Martin: No.
Izzy: All right then.
~~~~
Matt: I say Davis goes in the chair.
Tai: Good idea!
Jun: Excellent choice, Mattsy. Davis is always trying to break us apart, like that time he gave me cooties. Plus I couldn’t let you go up there.
Matt: AH! I forgot you were here. Where were you?
Jun: Picking more flowers for you – I made you a daisy chain of love. *puts it around his neck*
Matt: *rips it off* Gross. I changed my mind. Jun, get up there.
Tai: Sounds good to me.
Matt: *glares* What are you, a robot? Maybe YOU should go up there.
Tai: *jaw drops* But I’ve been AGREEING with you!
Matt: *surveys teammates* I don’t believe it. You’re all so stupid, I just can’t decide who deserves the top honor.
Davis: Since you hate us so much, why don’t YOU go up there?
Matt: That’s it. “Davis, I choose you.” *shoves him forward*
Davis: Hey, TK! Did your teammates abuse you too? No biggie, my team will still win!
Izzy: Stop talking to the other tribe.
IL: Oh good, you’ve chosen your high rollers. Please assemble your other positions.
Matt: I’ll be on the right. Tai, you be on the left.
Jun: What about me?
Matt: You can be the leader. Go stand right in front of the rock.
Tai: Matt, what did we say earlier about being mean to Jun?
Matt: Oh fine…Jun, go wait at the bottom of the hill, between the flags, so I know where to go. Don’t move until I say so.
Tai: MATT!
Matt: FINE! Jun, just…go away.
Tai: Jun, go in the middle – behind the rock – and guide if we need help. *glares at Matt* Excuse ME if I want to win.
Matt: I want to lose and vote somebody off!
IL: On your marks…get set…MULDER!
Davis: OW! *tumbles out of the chair and crashes to the ground as the members of Champions of the Isle push their boulder forward, then yank it to a stop*
Izzy: We haven’t even started, and he’s already fallen off. Just give us the win now.
Nat: MULDER!
Davis: You’re supposed to yell “Go.”
IL: MULDER, GET BACK HERE OR I’LL SIC THE PIKACHUS ON YOU! (Mulder scowls and reluctantly stops creeping through the underbrush)
You were asked to get our beach chairs and drinks an hour ago.
Mulder: So?
Nat: Where have you been? Not trying to escape, I hope.
Mulder: Of course not.
IL: You didn’t, by any chance, happen to notice that the waters surrounding the island are currently infested with a special breed of freshwater piranhas and (wisely) choose to return?
Mulder: I might have seen a fish or two while retrieving the beach chair that blew out into the lake.
IL: Oh good. As long as you weren’t trying to escape. Now, why don’t you have a seat and watch the race? (Pikachus climb into his lap)
Nat: On your marks…get set…CHICKEN!
Davis: Ah! *tumbles down again, getting bruised and scratched*
Izzy: What chicken?
Nat: I just wanted to see if Davis would fall down again.
Davis: You’re sick.
IL: For real this time. On your marks, get set, GO! (Matt and Tai promptly start down the hill, a second behind Izzy and Martin)
Davis: Left! Now right! Right I said! No, MY right!
Matt: IT’S THE SAME DIRECTION AS OURS.
Davis: Faster! Slower! Slow-OW! *crashes into a tree, thanks to Matt*
Tai: Now we have to start over.
Matt: No we don’t. We’re between flags. That was just a reminder to Davis to keep his mouth shut.
Davis: Make me.
Matt: *passes through next set of flags and guides Davis into a large pine tree*
(Meanwhile, Martin and Izzy have their boulder perfectly in line and are cruising down the hill at a blistering pace)
TK: OH THE HUMANITY!!
Davis: We’re losing! Quit smashing me into trees and WIN!
Matt: *pushing him into a third tree* Injure you, vote out Jun, I really see no problems here.
Davis: LOOK! *points at Martin and Izzy crossing finish line*
Matt: Woo! We lost!
Davis: Idiot! *leaps on him*
Matt: Don’t you WANT Jun gone?
IL: I declare Team SmartOnesWhoWinAll the winners of this challenge. You may go back to the beach and rest for one full hour.
Izzy: Hah!
IL: Radio show host’s honor, I promise.
Izzy: Oh, well if it’s radio show host’s honor…
Nat: Quit whining or we’ll make it one minute. (they leave)
IL: Let’s see how the votes go today:
1) Davis
Davis: Wasn’t being in the chair punishment enough?
IL: 2) Jun
Jun: *gasps and hugs Matt*
Matt: *chokes*
IL: 3) Matt
Matt: WHAT? I OWN this tribe! Who… *peers at handwriting* TAI!
Jun: You big ole meanie!
Tai: I think Matt’s been too mean to various people in the tribe today. Like everybody.
Matt: I’d punch you, but I just can’t decide which of a dozen styles is most fitting.
Nat: AHEM – since Tai cannot vote for himself, the next vote will decide who goes to CAMP SNOWFLAKE.
IL: *ominously* Nobody ever leaves Camp Snowflake.
Nat: The final vote: (Mulder plays a dramatic drumroll followed by Survivor music)
4) Jun
Jun: EEEEEH!
Matt: HALLELUJAH! *jumps up and runs circles around the camp, leaping and skipping* She’s gone! She’s gone! I finally did it! Heeheehee!
Jun: *being dragged away* Saaave me Mattsy…
Matt: Yeah, right.
Jun: *almost out of sight* I’ll come back for youuuu…
Matt: *waves cheerfully* Bye Jun! Well, that was fun. Let’s hurry up and lose another challenge right away so we can get rid of Davis.
Davis: Hey, I’m the one whose vote got rid of her!
Matt: But that was only half of my goal. Getting rid of you is the next part.
Tai: Temper, temper…
Matt: Why do you care about other people so much lately? It’s like every six months you go on an angsty, save-the-world quest.
CAMP SNOWFLAKE
Snowball: Ooh, someone new is coming!
SF: *yawns* We have so many servants now…I’m not sure I can think of any more jobs.
Sora: You could let us go. (The Tokos look at each other, then burst out laughing)
SB: Hoohoohoo…*wipes tears from eyes* Oh, that’s rich. No, seriously, Jun’s coming up the path.
SF: *rubs paws* Well, well. Let’s see, what do we need? (At the moment, Sora and Mimi are preparing the next meal, Joe is watering the gardens – which requires him to walk around the circular path lined with carousel-shaped flower pots – and Cody is listening to a story according to Snowball’s tastes)
SB: This is a completely original story I made up all on my own…
(he proceeds to explain the story of “The Jungle Book” with various quotes and song lines from other sources. Whenever Cody tries to yell copyright, Snowball pushes a button. A ceiling panel opens up to reveal a pair of mechanical hands holding a Kendo stick, which subsequently raps Cody over the head. Elsewhere, Yolei and Kari are pampering P.T. with brushing, fans and soothing massages. Ken, meanwhile, has been ordered to compose and sing a 10-minute song about the greatness of Tokomons)
SF: Ahah! Jun, welcome.
Jun: *sulking* I want Matt.
SF: Well my dear, that’s too bad. I want a larger-than-life, full color painting of me in a heroic pose. Off you go now.
*40 minutes later*
Ken: I’ve sung this song FOUR TIMES IN A ROW.
PT: I like it.
Jun: I’m done.
SF: *inspects it* HEY! (on the canvas is a picture of Matt dressed as a knight slaying a dragon - a dragon which conveniently happens to have a Tokomon head. Snowflake rips it to shreds) Start over.
Jun: *gasps* Matt!
PT: Hey, Ken-minion, keep going.
Ken: Why do I have to sing it?
PT: Because you claimed to be smart. Plus black hair rules.
EAST SIDE
TK: I’m bored.
Izzy/Martin: SHUT UP.
TK: But I am.
Izzy: We know, because you’ve said that every 5 minutes for the last half hour.
TK: Let’s play tag.
Izzy: Let’s not.
Martin: Don’t you ever get tired? You’re like a hyperactive puppy.
TK: *wanders off* *bursts into song* “IIII…WAAAANT…ATTENTION! That’s why I wrote this song, because every time I sing it, I get attention!”
Izzy: Shut UUUP! How am I supposed to complete my escape machine plans with all this racket?
TK: Izzy, when was the last time one of your machines actually worked?
Izzy: *withering glance* I took over the hospital TV show, remember?
TK: Oh yeah. That was a stupid show. Barely dirty at all.
Izzy: *knocks him out*
Martin: Normally I don’t like violence, but thank you.
WEST SIDE
Matt: *jumping around campsite* No Jun no Jun no Jun…
Tai: We KNOW already!
Matt: So what game of celebration should we play?
Davis: Ooh, let’s play, um, pictionary! Yeah, I love that game.
Tai: Except you think everything is an elephant.
Matt: And we don’t have any pencils or paper or anything.
Davis: We can draw pictures in the sand with sticks!
Matt: Nah.
Tai: I’m pooped. I say we all take a nap.
Matt: Sounds like a good idea to me.
Davis: I’m not tired. You two can sleep together if you want.
Matt: *looks at him funny* I’ve…um…changed my mind. I’m not sleepy either.
Davis: Oh good, then we can play pictionary!
Matt: *unenthused* Here we go. Oh boy. (Davis picks up a stick. 5 minutes later…)
Davis: Done.
Matt: *glances over* Elephant.
Davis: Nope!
Matt: What do you mean? It looks exactly like one. Look, there are the legs, and there are the ears…
Davis: Other things besides elephants have ears and legs.
Matt: Not ones as fat as that. Only elephants are that round.
Davis: I beg to differ.
Izzy’s Distant Voice: You don’t even know what that means…don’t try to sound smart when you’re not…
Matt: I give up. What is it?
Davis: *proudly* A Tokomon! A drooling, fat Tokomon!
SF’s Distant Voice: Did someone just call me fat?
Tai: My turn. *draws in the dirt*
Matt: That has to be an elephant.
Tai: Well it isn’t. NOW who’s seeing elephants everywhere?
Davis: Obviously that’s a bear. *snorts* Amateur.
Tai: That’s right, so you go next.
Davis: *draws something else in the sand*
Matt: Let me guess – elephant?
Davis: NO.
Tai: “It’s a small world after all.”
Davis: Right.
Matt: How do you get that? It’s just some random squiggles.
Tai: It’s genius! Don’t insult good art.
Davis: Your turn again. *hands stick to Tai*
Matt: Don’t I get a turn?
Davis: Not until you guess one right.
Matt: This is retarded.
Davis: Shh…you’re disrupting a master at work.
Tai: *puts on some finishing squiggles* There. Go ahead and guess.
Matt: *looks* It looks like another damn elephant. All your idiot drawings look the same.
Davis: Actually this one is quite a masterpiece. It shows a woman holding the French flag, leading the revolutionaries to victory in the French Revolution. The woman symbolizes liberty, beauty and justice.
Tai: Exactly!
Mat: Ahhh! How can you see that, you disillusioned freaks? It’s just some freaking lines in the dirt! *storms away to the other side of the camp*
Davis: *sniffs haughtily* SOME people just don’t appreciate art.
Tai: I just don’t think Matt’s genius enough to understand. It must have something to do with IQ.
Davis: I believe it’s my turn. *takes stick*
Tai: That one’s easy. This masterpiece is simplicity in its greatest form…you truly are a master artist.
Davis: Come on, don’t make me blush.
Matt: All right, spit it out. What did you draw THIS time?
Tai: It’s an elephant.
Chapter 10