Chapter 4: The Case of the Missing Matt

PLUS: What’s your favorite part of Willy Wonka?
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Matt: What?? No it doesn't. You are obviously blind as well as stupid.
Tai: M-a-r-i-O.
Matt: That's an A! She just writes a little sloppily!
Tai: Funny, I've never seen an A that was totally round.
Matt: *adds a tail* See? That's what she was trying to write.
Tai: Sure, she just forgot how to spell her own name.
Matt: Not another word.
Davis: Matt, read the rest.
Matt: No. You already ruined 2 of them.
SF: Read. *indicates Sparky*
Matt: Oh, FINE. *opens a plain white envelope* "Dear You: This is a true story! When my friend wished upon a falling star, she won the lottery. Then she shared her story in the form of a letter, and cool stuff happened to all of her friends after they told THEIR friends. BUT, one of her friends just threw it away, and he broke his leg! So, send this to 5 people..." Hey, this is just a stupid chainletter! Thanks a lot!
Davis: I wanna read the next one!
Matt: NO, that's the first letter anyone ever sent me! It's really special! *grabs at it and misses*
Davis: *tears it open* "Dear Big-Headed, Terrible Singer: I would just like to inform you of how much I hate you. You think you're pretty hot, but you're NOT. As soon as I listened to your CD, I found out that all but 1 was a rip-off of someone else's song. The other one, "I Turn Around," was only 1 minute long and you said the same 4 lines over and over again. I tried to return your CD, but the store refused. In conclusion, you suck. I hope you never sing again. Signed, A Girl."
Matt: Let me see that letter. *grabs it* TK!!
TK: Yes?
Matt: You idiot! This letter is in YOUR handwriting. Did you think I wouldn't recognize all the little doodles of a kid hugging a Patamon?!
TK: Kind of. But see, you never opened it, so I got great amusement out of watching you dance around the house all summer kissing that envelope.
Sora: Well Matt, there's just one left. Should we read it?
Matt: No, these letters are destroying my soul. *torches it with a lighter*
Davis: Hey, I wanted to read that! *jumps on the burning letter, stamps out the flame, and carefully extricates the remains*
Matt: Hah! It's almost nothing but ashes. You'll never get to read it!
Izzy: Let me see that. *pulls out a magnifying glass* Gee Matt, that's too bad. It was a 3-page letter, but all that's left are the words "handsome," "talented," "smart," "date," and "love, Annabelle."
Matt: What?? AHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *grabs the pieces* Must - save - letter! (the pieces vanish into dust as he touches them)
NOOOOO! Why couldn't I have burned up Mario's letter? I mean Maria's!
TK: Matt, why do you even HAVE a lighter?
Matt: I told you, I melted my harmonica down.
Tai: Wait! I asked Mimi out and she never answered.
Mimi: I haven’t decided yet. Maybe…can I take you to the salon to try new hairstyles and give you a manicure and a pedicure and…
Tai: Do I have to do all that for one date?
Mimi: Well, yeah.
Tai: Every time we go on a date, or just once? What is your obsession with my hair anyway?
Mimi: It’s just so long, you can do so much with it.
Tai: My hair is not “long.” It is “big” and “tall.”
Mimi: What do you call Jun’s hair then?
Tai: Long and sticking-up-ish.
Kari: What about when you wash your hair and it gets wet and hangs past your shoulders?
Jun: You WASH your hair?
Tai: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Kari. My hair still sticks up even when it’s wet.
Matt: Oh yeah! TK, remember when we all went swimming in the hot tub? Tai’s hair still stuck straight up then!
Davis: No matter how many times you talk about that, I am still disturbed by the idea that you were all in hot tub together with insufficient clothing.
PT: Heeheehee! Insufficient clothing!
Matt: What are you drugged – wait a second, he’s on Pretty Colors! Aren’t you, you addicted, drug-abusing Toko?
PT: *hiccup* *giggle* Wheee…see the Pretty Colors spinning round and round…oh no, Bob, get out of the colors! You’re mixing them up! He’s making red and blue in hideous waaays…
IL: Snowflake, how did he get in to the Pretty Colors?
SF: You haven’t shared them in like 3 interviews.
PT: Hello Eliza Jane. Are you on your way to the tea party? Wonderful! How are you, Bob? Oh no! It’s Color Changing Bunny! Here he comes to take Bob’s purple crayon! Hi Ace! How’s life in the closet? No, you can’t come out yet.
Davis: Is Ace a pseudonym for Matt?
Matt: NO.
PT: And then Eliza Jane came and…*gets locked in a cage to resume sanity*
Tai: So, Mimi. Are we going to go anywhere besides the hair salon?
Mimi: Let’s see on a date-by-date basis.
Tai: OK! I have a date, Matt, in your face!
TK: Careful Tai, you’ll make your wittle Mattsy jealous!
Matt: Don’t YOU start, or I’ll have to beat you up. So I don’t have a date –
Jun: Ahem.
Matt: Shut up Jun. Oh yeah! That reminds me, in the future I end up married. Who is it that YOU marry, Tai?
Tai: I’m a smooth, cool bachelor.
Matt: Yet you have kids, so evidently you are divorced. Very happy.
Tai: Let’s say widower.
IL: OK, who wants to go back to football?
Joe: Me! I’ll score another touchdown!
IL: And who wants to go back inside? (all are silent)
Nat: Back to the studio we go!
Yolei: No waaaay!! *runs across the yard* Come on guys, split up and escape!
Davis: Woohoo! *scrambles up a tree*
TK: C’mon Kari! *runs into the parking lot and jumps on a golf cart*
Kari: Where did a GOLF CART come from?
TK: Who cares! I think I can hotwire it!
Kari: Right. I’m sure that’s a difficult process, but I want to know whose cart we’re stealing.
Mulder: *comes running, waving his arms* Hey, you kids get out of there! That’s a priceless vehicle!
TK: Well, there you go.
Mulder: Bring that back! That vehicle was issued to me by the NAILS Radio Station Co. I could get FIRED!!! If I lose it.
TK: All the more reason.
Tai: Uh…uh…into the pond! *dives in*
Jun: Hide, Mattsy! *darts into the bushes with him*
Joe: I don’t know! *drops into a ball*
Cody: Back I say! *brandishes Kendo stick*
Izzy: Man, you people are stupid.
Mimi: Izzy! You traitor! Aren’t you even going to TRY to escape?
Izzy: No.
Ken: Must – perfect – airplane made of branches –
IL: Really. How dumb do you think we are? Security!
*several big dogs appear and chase down the fleeing kids*
Davis: Neener! You can’t chase me! (Pikachus encircle the tree)
Izzy: You’re all wasting your time, you’ll never escape.
Sparky: Pika! Chuuuuuu! *zaps Davis in the tree*
Davis: Eeeeh! *falls out of the tree and lands on Joe*
Joe: Oof!
Jun: *gasp* Where did Mattsy go? Mattsy!
Ken: C’mon, plane-made-of-branches, fly!
Izzy: It will never work. Your rotor isn’t on straight and the whole contraption is too dense. You have a better chance of flying if you flap your arms.
Ken: Shut up, Izzy, this will work. *attempts to fly and lands on Joe and Davis*
Joe: OOF.
Nat: *sarcastically* Well, this going well. They are all escaping quite nicely.
IL: You’ll see.
Nat: You’re not going to round them up with the Teletubbies, are you?
IL: Not exactly. *claps her hands* *torrents of little green-haired, orange-faced people come running out* Davis: Hey cool, it’s a bunch of…AH! EEEH!
Joe: *looks up* Eeh!
Oompa-Loompas:
Oom-pa, Loom-pa, doompity-doo/You’d better run or IL will get you
Oom-pa, Loom-pa, doompity-dee/We’ll hunt you down, that’s a promise from me
Interviews are fun for Digi Destined girls and boys
Get in the studio, you are Tokomon toys
You’d better hurry, you’re all going too slow
It’s time for your capture…especially JOE!
Joe: Eeeeeehh! *gets dragged off first*
Tai: *pops his head out of the pond* AH! Oompa-Loompas! The scariest creatures in the world!
Nat: Oompa-Loompas?
IL: Charlie doesn’t pay them enough at the Chocolate Factory.
Sora: Ugh, make it stooopp! *runs toward the building with her hands over her ears*
Mimi: I want an Oompa-Loompa! I could style all their hair different ways… *sees 10 coming after her* Or we could just play inside! *trots off*
Davis: Whoa, I’m out of here…*tries to run but is surrounded by a small pack, who grab his wrists and ankles and carry him inside* Ew, their hands feel gross!
Ken: Let’s try communicating with them. “Me – Ken. I run away. You too.”
OL: Do not patronize us. Now come with me, young man. We shall return to the interview station of my employer.
Ken: Wow…*follows in amazement*
Mulder: That’ll teach you! You can’t steal peoples’ golf carts from them!
TK: I’ll give you 300 yen if you let me escape.
Matt: Stop trying to bribe people. It never works.
O-L: Come along, young man. *takes Izzy’s arm*
Izzy: Oompa-Loompas! You’re not supposed to be evil! You were my heroes when I was little…I wanted to work at a chocolate factory when I grew up.
O-L: The pay is cheap. Get inside.

INTERVIEW ROOM
IL: All right, settle down. Back to your seats for the continuation of Cranium.
Tai: What? Oh…yeah.
TK: *snickers* Look at your hair!
Tai: What about my hair?? *grabs at it* AHHH!!
Sora: Hah! “Big tall hair that ALWAYS sticks up?”
(Tai’s hair is soaking wet and hangs just past his waist)
Ken: That doesn’t make sense, if his hair were really that long it stick like 3 feet into the air!
Sora: Yeah, but remember how wide it is? He probably piles it all on his head and then pulls the last 6 inches out and coats them with gel.
Tai: What?? My hair is only supposed to be 3 inches past my shoulders! Damn you, hair growth potion!
PT: I can trim it for you. *smiles with big, sharp teeth*
Izzy: Speaking of which…where’s Matt?
Jun: OMG! Where’s Matt? Ahh! Eeh! He’s missing!
Nat: Um, IL, have you ever lost a kid before?
IL: No, but I have plenty of practice in rounding them up. We’ll just find him and bring him back!

OUTSIDE
(Matt crawls in from under a bush)s
Matt: Hey! Where is everyone? Hello?! *long pause* Heehee. I’m free! (he runs thorough the parking lot past a fat guard eating a doughnut)
Guard: Who are you? Where are you going?
Matt: I’m Mulder, the delivery boy. IL sent me out to get…um…MORE DOUGHNUTS, that’s it.
Guard: Can’t run out of doughnuts…hurry back!
Matt: *walks away casually and hears…*
Mulder: I’m Mulder.
Guard: No you’re not. You must be one of those people being interviewed.
Mulder: Huh?
Guard: You see, Mulder just left to get doughnuts.
Mulder: But I’M Mulder!
Guard: I’m afraid I’ll have to escort you back inside.
Mulder: Fine. We’ll go back inside and show you this is just a dumb mistake. *punches him the jaw and tries to run, but gets tripped*
Guard: Come on. *slaps handcuffs on him*
Mulder: You’ll never hold me. I KILLED a guy before, and nobody cared.
Guard: Uh-huh. Come on.

ON STREET
Matt: *walking around* Ahh, this is great. No IL, no Jun…no food, no money, no shelter…home across the ocean…this sucks! But I REFUSE to go back to the radio station. OOH! $5! *yanks it out of the gutter* Hm, what shall I do with this? *sees a pizza stand and a photo hut* This should be interesting.
(Matt buys a slice of pizza and a camera and proceeds to take 6 pictures of himself eating pizza. “Now, to send these to IL…” he says to himself. He steals an envelope and some stamps out of a mailbox, addresses the package to IL, and walks off in the direction of a movie theater)
Crap, I don’t have enough money left for a ticket. Oh well. *waits outside an exit door until someone leaves, then sneaks in* I wonder what movie this is?
Movie: “…he stole $4.6 million from the U.S. government…all before his 19th birthday.”
Matt: Wow, I didn’t know they had a movie about Izzy already!
[a/n: Shameless plug for “Catch Me If You Can,” our fave 2003 movie. We both saw it twice!]
Usher: Excuse me, where did you come from?
Matt: Excuse ME, you’re ruining the movie. I am now a dissatisfied customer. Please refund my ticket money.
Usher: Let’s see your ticket stub.
Matt: I threw it away.
Usher: Yeah, right. I would remember if a blond kid with a 2-foot beard had bought a ticket.
Matt: See, I don’t think you would.
Usher: Get out. *grabs his beard and yanks him out of his seat*
Matt: OW! Fine, I’ll never buy a ticket from this place again! (the door slams shut behind him, locking him out)

RADIO STATION
IL: SO Nat, got a plan to get Matt back?
Nat: Um, you’re the one with all the plans.
Izzy: If I offer to go get him could I leave afterwards as a reward?
Nat: You see, then we would have TWO people gone.
Izzy: But Matt is funnier than I am.
IL: That’s true… *hears a knock at the door* *Mulder enters with Guard*
Guard: I found this guy outside impersonating an employee…he says his name’s Mr. Mulder, but that’s impossible. The real Mr. Mulder left like 10 minutes ago to get more doughnuts. This impostor actually thought he could get past me!
Ken: What did the real Mr. Mulder look like?
Guard: *thinks* Blond, tallish, wearing a green shirt.
IL: All right, thanks, you can go back to guarding the gate now.
Guard: OK, but do we have any more doughnuts? *leaves*
Mulder: I’m Mulder, I tell you!
IL: Duh. So I’m assuming that Matt got away by pretending he was you?
Mulder: Um, yeah, that’s kind of exactly what happened, unless I have a twin or a clone or something.
Nat: I know. Let’s send Mulder out to find Matt. We don’t care if he never comes back.
Mulder: Gee, thanks.
IL: Are you nuts? This is Ex-agent Mulder formerly of the secret service.
Mulder: FBI.
IL: Whatever, he spendtYEARS looking for 1 person, AND he had FBI resources.
Mulder: I object, there were aliens involved.
Nat: How about this. We’ll send you out to find him, and if you bring him back, we won’t fire you.
Mulder: That’s not fair! I have to pay child support!
TK: I highly disapprove of fathers who don’t live with their children. It causes emotional distress and lack of social development.
Kari: So that’s your excuse for sucking your thumb until you were 10? Your dad liked Matt better than you?
Mulder: I’m not even going to START explaining all the fallacies of logic there.
Nat: OK, then you start finding Matt.
Mulder: You hired me as a delivery boy, not a kid-finder!
Nat: You’re right. Mulder, I order that Matt be delivered to this studio.
Mulder: Fine, but I would like to do so under protest. *storms out*
*Returns after 2 minutes*
Joe: That was quick.
Mulder: I’m “delivering” the mail and I need to complain that my golf cart isn’t working because SOMEONE tried to hotwire it.
TK: I wonder who that could be?
Mulder: Anyway, I need a new mode of transportation to find this Matt kid.
Nat: Fine, we have a truck from the Gardens, a pink helicopter, a yellow submarine, a Northwest Airlines commercial airplane, a Ferrari-which-you-can’t-have-because-it’s-mine, a jeep, a space ship, a smashed magic school bus, and oh yeah, some horses.
IL: He’s NOT driving my jeep.
Nat: It’s an all-terrain vehicle, he won’t hurt it.
Mulder: Wait a second! Hold the phone! You have a space ship?
Nat: Not really, I was just toying with you.
Mulder: Well, I don’t have a pilot’s license, and a sub won’t do much good. I guess I’ll take the truck. Wait, pick-up or semi?
Nat: Semi.
Mulder: I can’t drive that either.
IL: Fine! Take my jeep. BUT if you wreck it, you’ll be working for us for free for 5 years.
Mulder: *mumbles* You’ve got to be kidding me. *takes the keys and leaves*
IL: Now for the mail.
Nat: *sorting mail* Bill, IL, Nat, Nat, Bill, Bill, Nat, IL, Bill, Bill, hey look a chain letter! Cody, IL…and one envelope held shut with stamps and no return address.
Davis: Who’s Bill?
TK: Dumb@$$, those are the things you pay. (Nat throws away the bills and chainletter)
Cody: Throwing away chainletters is bad luck and…give me my letter! It’s probably from Grandpa. *reads*

Dear Cody,

Be a good boy. Polish your Kendo stick 100 strokes every night. Love, Grandpa
P.S. Tell Yolei to come visit me soon so she can make that fabulous drink of hers.

IL: OK, let’s open the one with all the stamps.
Cody: Those stamps are probably concealing, like, anthrax!
Sora: Worrywart. Go read Grandpa’s letter again.
Cody: OK. *settles down happily*
IL: What have we here?

Dear Losers at IFFI:

By now you have probably missed me, because after all, who can go very long without my incredible looks, charm, wit and good humor? This is just a little note to tell all my friends what a wonderful time I’m having out here in the outside world. It was remarkably easy to escape, because the guards at this station are almost as pathetic as Interview Lady and Nat. I’ve been having a grand old time out here on my own. I had a deluxe dinner, and in a few minutes I’m going to a movie. In fact, just to show you what a good time I’m having, I’ve enclosed some snapshots of me having fun, being free.
IL: Oh look, a whole roll of Matt eating a slice of pizza.
TK: NO FAIR!! I want to eat a slice of pizza!
IL: Wait, there’s more. A little gob of cheese is labeled “For Davis.”
TK: WHAT? Give me that cheese right now. It’s really mine, he just spelled my name wrong. “TK” is kind of a hard one; Davis used to spell it wrong a lot.
SF: Here, fight. *tosses it into the air* (Davis and TK kick and claw for a moment until it slides under the table.
TK: Yay! *dives in and eats it*
Davis: Gross.
Nat: Here, let me see that letter.

By the way, I’d like to encourage anyone who wants to join me to just…
Nat: I think we’ve heard enough.
Sora: Huh…I have a strange urge to run away and join Matt.
Jun: Actually, as Mrs. Matt Ishida, I should be the one to look for him. I mean, I can always find him and bring him back to me, no matter what, because we’re in love.
IL: That’s true.
Matt’s Distant Voice: NO WE’RE NOT…
Tai: Hey, that was Matt! He can’t be too far away.
Matt’s Distant Voice: Craaaappp…*trails off*
IL: I dunno, Ash Ketchum heard us all the way from prison.
Ash’s Distant Voice: WHAT’S SCHOOL?!
Mimi: Ash who?
Nat: That successful, pokemon-owning kid who also has a TV series based off his adventures. One that’s five times as long as either of yours.
Izzy: Impossible. Our show was genius.
IL: Except that each of yours only lasted one season. [a/n: All seasons past 2 are pathetic and lacking in continuity. We do not acknowledge their existence]
Tai: *from under the table* Hey look, a piece of gum! *crawls out and pops it into his mouth* Ah, I can still faintly taste it. Cotton candy, my favorite flavor.
Sora: That’s really sick. That’s been there for who knows how long.
IL: Actually, we purchased that table at a garage sale – from some lady who had a bunch of daycare kids – about 18 months ago.
Nat: And we don’t chew gum.
Tai: *smacking his lips* And you never told me it was there??
Sora: Sick, sick, sick.
Mimi: Not to mention that it’s ALREADY BEEN CHEWED!
Tai: Hey, watch this, I can blow a bubble!
Mimi: Keep that stuff far away from me. I don’t want gum in my hair or anything.
Tai: Look! I can blow two at once! Can you?
Davis: Hey, let me try.
IL: *to Nat* Did you get that on the tape recorder?
Nat: Of course.
Davis: Give me that gum, I wanna try and blow some.
Tai: OK. *hands it over; Davis pops it in his mouth*
Joe: You’re all going to get mono!
Davis: What’s that?
Ken: The kissing disease.
IL: Wonder what would happen if Davis and Tai both came down with mono at the same time?
Tai: That would NOT be funny.
Davis: *distracted* I can’t blow any, it’s too hard.
Tai: *now showing off* It’s easy. Just purse your lips like you’re gonna kiss somebody, and just blow.
Davis: I’ll try it. *proceeds to spit the gum out…right into…*
Mimi: MY HAIR!!!
Davis: Oops.
Mimi: Do you have any idea how valuable my hair is? It’s priceless. My hair is often described as my best feature!
Ken: No arguments there.
Mimi: Davis, I hate you! Get that gum out right now!
Davis: I don’t know how.
SF: This is going to be good.
TK: Tug at it with your fingers.
Davis: OK. Crap, now my fingers are stuck. Ew.
Mimi: OW! Let go! *Davis yanks his hands free, along with some strands of hair*
Mimi: *lets out an earsplitting shriek*
Davis: Well, that didn’t work very well. My hands are stuck together.
Mimi: What about my hair?? My beautiful pink hair.
Tai: Well, it blends in, anyway. Like a string in a hayfield.
Joe: Needle in a haystack.
Sora: More like…a comb in Tai’s hair.
Tai: What have you got against my hair?
Sora: Well, it’s a little long. I’m a girl, and your hair is longer than mine.
Mimi: I want this gum out of my hair!
Tai: I could try chewing it out, if you want.
Mimi: Ew, I definitely don’t need your slobber mixed into it.
Izzy: Why don’t you just cut it? Your hair will grow back.
Mimi: No it won’t! My hair has too much dye on it to grow!
Sora: OK, here’s what you do. You squeeze lemon juice on it, and it gets lubricated and slides right off.
Mimi: Cool! (Rod is sent out to fetch a lemon, which he squeezes over her hair. It leaves a really sticky residue over the gum, but doesn’t help)
Sora: Actually, now that I think about it, it might have been honey. *procedure is repeated*
Or it could have been peanut butter…
Mimi: NO more food!
Kari: OK, I got gum in my hair once. All you have to do is freeze it, and then it cracks and falls out.
Mimi: OK…(she is led to the company freezer to stick her hair in)
My head’s getting cold!
IL: Okay, you can take it out.
Tai: Anyone have a hammer? No? OK, I’ll just hit it with my ultra-strong fist. (He hits it and his hand rebounds and punches him in the face) OW!
Mimi: Ow! You buffoon!
TK: Hey Izzy, let me see your pocket laser.
Izzy: *searches pockets* It’s gone! Where is it?
IL: Oh, we borrowed it for a while. *tosses it back to him*
TK: Ah-hah! *aims it at Mimi’s hair* Now I’ll just laser it out for you. *sizzling sound*
Mimi: What is that??
TK: Oops…I seem to have burned the ends.
Mimi: It’s all melting out! AH! My head’s on fire!
Kari: Oh, I can fix that. *dumps a bucket of water over her* (The flames are extinguished while the wet food products, gum, and multiple colors of hair dye run off her head)
Mimi: My hair! I’m not supposed to get it wet!
Davis: *peering at the puddle of color on the floor* Holy cow, look at all those! Black, orange, pink, purple, neon green…
Yolei: EW! Now I know why Mimi dyes her hair…it’s really GRAY!
Mimi: NOOOO! *clutches her head and grabs TK’s hat to cover her hair*
SB: Hey Punky T, isn’t that why you cover yourself in black?
PT: Ahem. It’s “Punk Toko” or “PT.” I pity the fool who don’t call me by my real name!
SB: You are lame.
IL: *dials a number* Hey Mulder, do you have Matt yet?
Nat: You entrusted him with a cell phone?
IL: Yeah, it’s from 1991.
Mulder: Yeah, I got him and I’m bringing him back. And he’s trying to tell me he’s not Matt.
Nat: Yeah, he does that.
Mulder: OK, I’m coming through the door…
IL: Is my Jeep OK?
Mulder: Uhh…yes. We had some small incidents involving deer, red lights, and spikes, but…
IL: Get back out there and fix my Jeep!
Nat: After you bring back Matt.
Mulder: Boo. *walks through the door with a blond kid*
Martin: For the last time, my name is MARTIN! Not Matt. There is a difference.
Mulder: Matt, Martin, blond, it all looks the same to me.
Nat: What in the world? That’s not Matt.
Martin: I TOLD you.
Nat: Go and bring back the REAL Matt. He looks like this. *hands him a photo of Matt*
Mulder: Oh, so that’s Matt.
Martin: Is he always scratching himself there?
Nat: Oh yes, all the time.
TK: Um, this picture is from like 4 years ago.
Nat: He still looks the same. I’m sure Mulder can find him THIS time.
Mulder: I’ll need a new vehicle. (IL turns violet and fumes)
Nat: You can’t have my car. You’ll have to take the…no wait, the…
IL: Face it, your car is the only one left.
Nat: Nooooo…(IL takes the keys and hands them to Mulder, who cheerfully waves goodbye)
Martin: Um, can I leave now?
Izzy: Oh no. No one ever leaves once they have been sucked in.
Martin: Huh?
Izzy: Once people come here, to IL’s interview station, they never leave…or if they do, they are hunted down and dragged back here.
Martin: I’ve already been hunted down and dragged here. What is the purpose?
Izzy: Well, we started out being “interviewed” but now they keep us around to entertain themselves.
SB: Hey! He has nice hair. *jumps on Martin’s head*
Martin: AHHHH!!! What the heck was that? Why is it sitting on my head?
SB: Ahh…so soft!
Martin: There’s a talking pink poodle thing in my hair.
SB: I’m a Tokomon. Not a poodle.
Martin: A Tokomon. And what is that, exactly? Some kind of robot?
IL: Well, we’re not quite sure. It’s a Toko Monster. Joe, did you or Ken ever dissect one of these?
Joe: Sadly, no.
TK: That’s T-o-K-o, as in T.K.’s monster.
SF: Shut up.
SB: Ah, I like this head. Almost as nice as Tai’s hair.
Martin: Then why aren’t you in Tai’s hair?
SB: Tai is old. Martin is new.
Martin: I have an evil twin named Bevan. I’ll bring him to you and you can live in his hair.
SB: I doubt it.
Martin: But I do. He looks exactly like me, except he’s got glasses and a buzz cut and is evil.
SB: A buzz cut? That would be uncomfortable. I like you better.
IL: Be a good Toko and get off, and you can live in Matt’s hair when he returns.
SB: Since when do I listen to you?
Ken: IL, how does it feel to have your minions acting up?
SB: I’m not a minion.
Martin: Did you know the romance novel was invented by the Romans? Back in the year 120 A.D.
Sora: And we care…why?
Izzy: It was actually 118 A.D. so there.
Davis: What does A.D. stand for? After dark? Is 1:18 After Dark like the early morning?
Sora: No, you dork. A.D. stands for Age of Darkness, because it was the Dark Ages.
Izzy: No, A.D. stands for...
TK: Alien Domain! That was when the aliens came to earth.
IL: Have you been listening to Mulder again?
TK: Maybe.
IL: Well, don’t. He’s insane.
Yolei: Ooh, I’ve been studying French. Apres demain?
Izzy: “After tomorrow??” No. It stands for Anno Domini.
TK: Well, that’s just stupid.
Izzy: It means “year of our lord” in Latin.
TK: And where is this “Latinland?”
Izzy: It’s not exactly a country.
TK: Then that’s even stupider! How can you have a language without a country? Japan speaks Japanese, China speaks Chinese, America speaks Americanese…
Izzy: Americans speak English.
TK: Then what do they speak in England, smarty?
Izzy: They also speak English.
TK: OK, how about Holland? Do they speak Hollish?
Davis: Hellish?
TK: No, Hollish.
Izzy: They speak Dutch.
TK: Then what do they speak in Dutchland??
Izzy: There is no Dutchland.
TK: ANOTHER language with no country?
Izzy: The country is Holland.
TK: How do you get “Dutch” from “Holland?”
Izzy: You see, they turned “dutch” backwards, got rid of the middle and replaced it with “ol’ lan’” because it was “good old land.”
TK: Huh?
Martin: Actually…*explains*
TK: Oh, I get it.
Izzy: *glares* You’re pushing your luck, Mister.
Nat: *dials a number* Mulder? Where is my car?
Mulder: Don’t you first want to know if I have Matt?
Nat: No. I am asking you where my new, expensive, to-be-paid-for-out-of-your-salary-if-wrecked car is.
Mulder: Hold on, since when did I have to pay for it…
Nat: I’m waiting.
Mulder: Well…where do cars go when they get towed away? Turns out you’re not supposed to park in front of the emergency room doors to the hospital.
But on the bright side, I found Matt!
Matt: Who are you talking to? IL? HANG UP! Stop talking about me!
Mulder: Shut up, you. If I don’t bring you back, I’ll be fired.
Matt: How is that incentive to help you?
Mulder: Don’t you want to help me out of the goodness of your heart?
Nat: “Goodness?” You’re talking to Matt.
Matt: Well, let’s not be hasty. I suppose I MIGHT be able to help you…
Tai: Did he find Matt yet?
Jun: Maaaaatt! I love you! I’m right here waiting for you! Soon we’ll be together again.
Matt: *pales* Jun! I forgot about her! *starts edging away*
Mulder: Where are you going? Hey! I command you to halt by the authority of the United States Government!
Matt: What authority?
Mulder: The residual authority I have from working there for 15 years!
Matt: Yeah. Bye. *runs off*
Mulder: Nooo! *performs a flying leap and slides facefirst into the mud while Matt disappears*
IL: Give me the phone. *takes it from Nat* That had better not be the sound of Matt escaping.
Matt: Umm…phone wrecked by mud, can’t hear you, bye!
IL: WHAT? *dial tone* He’s so fired.
Nat: You said that phone was over ten years old!
IL: He lies. I lie.

ON THE STREET
Matt: *walking around by himself* Phew! That was a close one. Now, if I just had some money, I could go buy a plane ticket and go home. How can I get money?
Old Woman: Excuse me, would you like to mow my lawn? I need a strong man to mow my 5 acre backyard. I’ll pay you well!
Matt: Sure! *later, exhausted* There…you are…ma’am.
Old Woman: Wonderful! You did it so fast, I’ll pay you double. Now, don’t spend it all on candy! *hands him 2 quarters*
Matt: Um, what’s this for?
Old Woman: Don’t worry, you deserve it for that terrific job you did! Would you like to do some more yard work for me tomorrow?
Matt: Um, no thanks, I’m leaving town. Bye! *runs off*
Now, let’s see. I have 53 cents, half a granola bar, and a broken pen. Scouring the streets is not helping. I’m lonely, too, dang it all. I’d even take JUN right about now…*claps hands over mouth*

INTERVIEW STATION
Jun: *perks up* Did you hear that? It was Matt! He’s calling my name! *runs to the door but is stopped by a guard*
Guard: Only one kid is allowed to be gone at a time.
IL: Zero kids are “allowed” to be gone.
Guard: Right.
Jun: But I have to go him! *tries to run, only to have her hair caught in the guard’s hand*
Guard: Please sit down.
Jun: Eek, my hairstyle! Fine, but don’t complain to ME when Matt goes insane for lack of my presence.
Nat: I won’t.

STREET
Matt: *sighs* Well, life on the outside sucks when you’re trapped in a foreign country with no money. I might as well go back to the interview station. *shudders* Look at it…rising higher than all the other buildings…no lights on at all (of course it’s daytime)…unholy! But my only ride home. *shuffles off*

INTERVIEW STATION
Rod: Hey, want to play a game?
Kids: NO!
Rod: It’s cool. You just –
Tai: Can I punch him?
Izzy: I don’t know, can you?
Rod: Well, we have to do something until Matt gets back.
Tai: So Matt’s your favorite, huh? Is that it? Ooh, Matt’s SO important, Tai’s not worth anything! Is that how it is??
Rod: Pretty much, yeah.
SF: Hey, I bet that Martin could be a Matt substitute.
Martin: That’s OK.
SB: No, it could work. We just have to dye his hair more yellow, and pour in 5 of 6 bottles of gel…
Martin: No way.
SB: But…look! His hair is long and shaggy, or getting there, and if it gets any longer, he’ll simply have to cut it or else be called Martina.
Martin: WHAT are you implying?
SB: Tee-hee! That’s what Matt used to say. *sniffles* I miss Matt…’s hair.
Izzy: You never lived on his head.
SB: And now I’m afraid I never will.
Matt: *trudging up the stairs* Stupid Interview Lady. Stupid Snowflake. Stupid Nat, Snowball, Rod, Jun, Dave, PT…*reaches the door* Okay. *deep breath* I’m turning the knob. *heads in* Hi guys, I’m…
SB: MATT!
Jun: MATTSY!
Matt: AHHH!!! (He screams as SB and Jun fly at him, simultaneously landing (respectively) in his hair and wrapped around him)
Matt: I’m being attacked, I’m being attacked!
IL: What have you done with Mulder?
Matt: Huh?
IL: We sent him out to bring you back. Personally, I thought it would take him longer.
Matt: *shrugs – or tries to, as Jun as his arms pinned to his sides* I dunno, I haven’t seen him for a couple of hours, since I ran away. I came back on my own.
Jun: I knew it! You missed me!
Mat: Actually, uhh…*Jun squeezes him* I came back because America sucks, I had nothing to do, and I had no way to get back to Japan.
IL: Ah, so you admit that you NEED us.
Matt: I’m only staying if you get Jun away from me. Otherwise I’ll leave again, I know how to escape!
IL: We’ve stepped up security, you can’t just walk out anymore.
Tai: All we had to do before was WALK OUT?!
Nat: Well, yes, but not anymore.
Matt: *sees Martin* Who’s the blond kid?
Izzy: For a while he was impersonating YOU, his name’s Martin.
SB: His hair isn’t as nice as yours is, Matt.
Matt: That’s nice to know, go sit in his hair.
SB: I don’t think so. Your hair is even better than Tai’s. Much less crowded.
IL’s Cell Phone: *begins playing Yankee Doodle Dandy*
IL: Hello? Mulder?! Where are you?
Mulder: I have Matt!
IL: What the…Matt’s already back at the station!
Mulder: What? Oh. What did you say your name was kid? Oh, sorry Jonathan Taylor Thomas…you can go now.
Kari: *overhearing* He’s got JTT? *yells* Bring him back here, Mulder!
Mulder: Oops, he ran away. I wonder why.
Kari: YOU LET HIM GET AWAY?!
Matt: Kari, relax. I’m still here.
Kari: Not you. JTT. Who cares about you?
IL: Mulder, how did you manage to mistake JTT for MATT? He’s not even blond.
Mulder: I thought he might have dyed his hair to hide from you.
IL: Just…get back here.
Mulder: See…that’s the other problem.
IL: You better catch a bus then.
Nat: *sweetly* Why does Mulder need a bus?
Mulder: Um…Mulder’s so tired from running after faux-Matts that he can’t drive anymore?
Nat: Why do I not believe you?
Mulder: OK…here’s something you may not know: It’s really hard to turn corners in a sports car at 90 MPH.
Nat: WHY were you driving at 90 MPH?
Mulder: Did I say I was driving? This is a purely hypothetical situation. Here’s another thing you may not know: When sports cars hit curbs at 90 MPH, they have a tendency to behave like SUV’s and flip over 2 or 10 times and have to be put out of their misery…
Nat: *covers phone* He is NEVER to set foot near my car again. *on phone* Mulder, you are to return to the studio using whatever form of transportation you can find.
Mulder: Does it matter what year?
Nat: NOW. If you’re not inside within 2 hours, you’ll be PRAYING for death by alien virus.
Mulder: I miss my old job at the FBI. Back then, all I had to worry about was getting shot, possible prison time, and a few dozen Mulder-eating monsters. I’m starting to see why Matt didn’t want to go back.
IL: You heard the woman. Two hours. *hangs up*
Matt: Well, that went well.
Nat: My car…I think I need a few minutes alone.
Martin: So, Matt’s back and everything…can I go now?
Ken: *snorts* I thought you made a better Matt.
Matt: Nobody makes a better Matt than me.
Ken: Oh yeah? I bet you both me AND Martin could be better Matts than you are.
Matt: That sounds like a challenge.
Ken: Very observant. I challenge you to an all-out “Who-Is-The-Best-Matt?” contest.

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Chapter Five