Chapter 3: The Football Game and Matt’s Fan Letters
LATER, OUTSIDE
TK: Ah, fresh air. Much better than playing dumb board games in that stuffy old station.
Davis: We should play a real game for once, like football.
Ken: They call it SOCCER in the United States, dumb@$$.
Davis: Why? Do you sock girls?
Ken: Besides, I kick your keister every time we play.
Nat: You all heard Davis: He wants to play "Football."
Ken: *turns pale* No! Soccer!
Nat: AMERICAN football.
TK: I've seen that on TV before. Go Packrats! Go Vixens!
Matt: Mom lets you watch "Vixens?"
Yolei: They're called the Packers and the Vikings.
IL: Well then, let's arrange the teams. *everyone groans*
Team 1: TK, Cody, Yolei, Ken, Joe, Mimi, Jun, Izzy, Sora, Davis, and Kari
Matt: Um, that only leaves me and Tai.
IL: We need 11 on a team. You two are cheerleaders.
Matt: WHAT??
Joe: I'll be a cheerleader.
Tai: Do we get...have to wear skirts? Do we get pompoms?
Nat: But of course.
TK: Who do we play AGAINST?
IL: I'll get there. Team 2: Snowball, Snowflake, Sparky, Shocker, Spazass (kids turn pale) and six more of Snowflake's offspring.
Cody: Uh-oh. Do we play against PT too?
Nat: Oh no, PT is going to be the football. He's just the right size and shape.
Kari: That's fitting. Pigskin...guinea pig...they're the same thing.
Ken: Well, that's not going to make a fair game at all.
Davis: How do you play this kind of football? Hey, can I be on the other team so I can beat Ken?
IL: No!
Mimi: This should be easy because we're 10 times bigger than them!
Ken: You forget about their huge teeth, Snowflake's tendency to become a rabid Batpig, and the Pikachus' voltage capacity.
Joe: Are you going to provide us with proper protection??
IL: Oh yes. You can wear a full suit of armor if you want.
Joe: Well finally, a little compassion. (he puts it on) Wait...armor is metal. Metal conducts electricity. Pikachus CONTAIN electricity. Get me out of this!
Nat: I'm afraid you asked for it. Everyone else can get dressed in these two "dressing rooms."
Mimi: Those are Port-A-Potties, not changing rooms!
Davis: Biggs, Port-A-Johns, happy construction worker rooms, traveling thrones, utility closets, walking wishing wells...
Sora: We get the picture.
sMimi: I don't want to change in those.
Nat: They really aren't that bad. We've been using them for like 2 weeks now.
Sora: Why?
Nat: IL didn't have enough money to pay the electricity bill and the water bill and the Internet bill. The other 2 were more important.
Ken's Voice: (From the bathroom) It reeks in here!
Cody: Just hurry up and change!
Ken: (to Izzy) It seems to me that they were awfully well prepared. I thought Davis just mentioned football like 10 minutes ago, and now they even have uniforms for us. *Izzy shrugs*
Mimi: Hey! There is no XXXS sized uniform!
Kari: *coming out* Hah! I took the only one, and it fits perfectly!
Mimi: But the next smallest size is a medium!
Kari: Oh well, too bad for you.
Cody: Hey! I need that XXXS! I'll give you a dollar for it!
Kari: No way.
LATER
EVERYONE DRESSED, EXCEPT MATT AND TAI
IL: OK, here are YOUR outfits, boys.
Tai: OK.
Matt: I'm not wearing that. I'd really rather be a bench warmer.
IL: We don't have benches.
Matt: Can I be the grass warmer then?
Matt: (in the bathroom) Um, this um, what-do-you-call-it cheerleader thing is an XS. I need a L.
Nat: They are spandex. One size fits all.
Matt: This skirt is a little too short for my comfort. I think I need to wear pants, because it's cold outside...
Sora: It's June!
Matt: But it's windy! I'm not used to all that...draftiness.
Tai: *walks out and twirls around* How do I look?
TK: Ugly. Oh, you mean in that outfit. You don't want to know. You look gross, and…DIRTY!
Sora: How is that dirty? Do you just have an uncontrollable urge to yell "dirty" at least every 30 minutes?
Kari: Tai, do you really want me to tell Mom that you're prancing around in a skirt - have you BRAIDED your hair?
Tai: Braided pigtails! It really keeps the hair out of your eyes!
Mimi: Are you wearing MY LIPSTICK?
Tai: In case the sun washes out my face!
Sora: Sick.
TK: *bangs on the door* Hurry up, Matt! I wanna see how dumb you look!
Matt: I'm not coming out. Have you ever seen a cheerleader with a beard?
TK: No, but I will as soon as you come out of the closet!
Matt: Shut up!
Davis: Oh yeah, they also call them water closets, loos, latrines...now come on! *runs into it with the intent of knocking it down, but ricochets backwards and falls down*
Ken: Davis, you suck at tackling. I don't want you on my team.
Davis: No, I can slide tackle really well. *jumps into the air and kicks Ken's shin*
Ken: Ow! It's called a slide tackle because you SLIDE in!
Kari: Hey, Davis catch! *throws PT at him*
Davis: AH! *leaps out of the way*
Ken: So, you can't catch and you can't tackle...can we trade him in for one of the Vikings? Same skill level, but at least the Viking would be bigger.
Sora: Who wants to see Matt in a cheerleader outfit? Come on, let's drag him out! (The kids suddenly charge the door and Matt goes flying out. He scrambles back up and desperately tries to hold down all the sides of his skirt at once)
Matt: You people get sicker every show.
IL: Come on cheerleaders, time to warm up! Let's see some cartwheels and split leaps!
Matt: I think NOT.
Tai: Whee!! *attempts an unsuccessful cartwheel and tumbles head over heels*
Izzy: Tai, you are the UGLIEST cheerleader in the world.
Jun: Can't I switch with Matt? It's my job to cheer my future husband on! Go Mattsy go! Go Mattsy go! *grabs his hands and jumps around*
Matt: On second thought, GO Jun! Go FAR AWAY! I could make up a pretty good cheer with that.
Nat: AHEM - it is now time to start the game.
Davis: But I still don't know the rules!
Izzy: Run, grab the other guy, knock him down, jump on each other, and score.
Matt: On second thought, I'm glad I'm not playing.
Kari: Want to hear my theory on football and how to win?
Ken: Not really. I know everything about how to play. I've memorized every theory and game play possible.
Kari: Not mine. You see I was at this high school game where we lost, but I noticed that the guys on the other team and much nicer asses then the ones on ours.
Tai: KARI!
Kari: So I figured the key to winning football is to have a team of players who have nice looking butts!
Ken: You're kidding me.
Tai: You are never going to another football game.
Come on, Matt. Let's make a pyramid! You can stand on my shoulders!
Matt: You've got to be kidding me.
Tai: Rah, rah, fight fight! You will cower at our might! Goooo team! Come on Matt, cheer with me. *grabs his arms and moves them around in cheering motions*
Matt: OK that is IT, I'm going to knock some sense into you. (Matt tackles Tai)
Ken: How come HE isn't on the team?
Tai: Matt - what are you doing? (He wriggles away, but Matt grabs him by the ankles and pulls him back)
Matt: Why are you acting so weird? (Tai pulls his beard and he yelps)
Tai: What the heck are you talking about? I'm perfectly normal.
Matt: *punches him in the jaw but is unable to free his beard* You are happily turning "cartwheels" in a short, tight skirt! You are insane!
Tai: Isn't that normal? (He attempts to hit Matt, falls, and gets punched squarely in the face)
Matt: NO!
Tai: *falls backwards and hits the ground* Huh? What happened? Why am I bleeding? Why is Matt in a skirt?
WHY AM I IN A SKIRT?!?!
Ken: Are you kidding me? You've been singing the praises of cheerleading for the last 20 minutes!
Tai: That doesn't sound like me. You are a liar.
Matt: I'm afraid he's right. You've been insane for quite a while.
Tai: Oh, that makes sense. Whenever I get within 100 feet of Interview Lady, I go criminally insane. That's why I live at Calmwood. I'm getting out of this skirt now.
Matt: Oh no, that's impossible. You see, we are their cheerleaders.
Tai: *yelps* What?? Matt, what gay thing did you get us into NOW?
Matt: I have been resisting. You have been cheering and jumping.
IL: Sparky! Here boy! Shock Tai!
Tai: Eek! *runs away*
Sparky: Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi ("hee-hee-hee...") *shocks him*
Nat: OK, time to start the game. *blows a whistle*
Ken: Who starts?
Nat: You?
Ken: OK! I'm the quarterback.
Davis: Yeah, right. I'm so much better than you -- *Ken shoves him in the mud*
Ken: You can't even BLOCK a tackle. You suck.
Nat: 3...2...1...go! (PT is whipped back into Ken's arms)
Ken: Run! Go long...um...(He looks around. The Tokos have been running forward, tripping everyone up, except Davis. Davis jumps over a Pikachu)
Davis: Me! Me!
Ken: Fine. *hurls PT at him*
Pikachu: (angry that it didn't get to trip Davis) CHUUU! *shocks him*
Davis: *falls, twitching* Ow... (In the air, PT, promptly scrambles to get his feet underneath him, then hits the ground running, straight into the end zone)
Yolei: That's cheating! The football is not allowed to move itself!
PT: Hahaha! *races past everyone and jumps into the zone* Touchdown! 6 points.
Ken: Ooh! Now they have to kick him through the goal posts. Can I kick him?
IL: Hey! Let's see some cheers over there!
(Matt isn't even watching the game; Tai is sitting down trying to rip the braids out of his hair)
OK. *sends out the Pikachus*
Matt: I hate you. *grabs Tai by the arms* Cheer, d*** you!
IL: Matt, start cheering
Matt: (utterly deadened) Go. Digi-Destined. Woo. Oh joy. We're going to win. Yip-pee.
IL: Let's see some enthusiasm, or I'm going to make you partner cheer.
Matt: Go team, yippee-yay, we rock, woo...
IL More enthusiasm.
Matt: Is this enough? Hey guys! Forget the game! Tear the little rats apart, kill them, I mean...*sees a Pikachu approaching him*
Go Pikachu team! Go Snowflake and Snowball! Hey...tackle Jun! Rip her apart! Hey Ken, pass PT to Jun!
Jun: Mattsy look, I caught the ball!
PT: Heehee! Tokos, Pikas, attack!
Jun: Here Mattsy, catch! *throws PT over to Matt*
Matt: No, I'm a cheer...*gets tackled by 11 snarling Tokos and sparking Pikas and disappears*
Ken: OK, I call a time out.
IL: No time-outs are allowed.
Ken: Well, can I have a huddle?
IL: Oh fine.
Tai: What are we supposed to do while they're in a huddle?
Nat: You watch the players no matter what.
Matt: May I request that the female players be positioned on the side closest to us?
Tai: Why? *gets elbowed by Matt* Ohh...because when they bend over...
Matt: Exactly. Except Jun. I want her as far away as possible.
Mimi: Eww, I don't want them looking at my butt. (The players all exchange looks)
Ken: Can I call for a half circle huddle? (all crowd around each other) OK, here's the plan...
Whistle: Tweet!
IL: Time's up! Back to the game.
Sora: Are we allowed to place bets on the outcome of this game?
Nat: Sure. I bet you $100 that you lose.
Sora: Wha? No, I want to bet that we'll lose.
Nat: Well, if no one will take you up on that, I guess you can't bet. (Sora grumbles)
(Everyone gets back in line - the Pikachus have the "ball")
Ken: Whatever you do - take PT.
SB: Hutt, hutt, HIKE! *Snowflake Evil-Volves into Batpig, grabs PT, and flies over the DD, landing running on the other side.
Cody: Cheating!
Nat: I saw no cheating. Batpig is merely a better jumper than all of you.
SF: *changes back* Touchdown, woohoo!
Davis: Now what?
Ken: Everyone just try to catch PT and run into that end zone, OK?
Joe: Oh look, a 4-leaf-clove- (PT comes flying through the air towards him and lands in his arms, knocking his glasses off)
Ahh! What do I do now? I'm blind!
Ken: RUN!!! (Joe sees 11 pink and yellow blobs running at him)
Joe: Ahh!! Run away! (He runs blindly, knocking over the other DD while trying to avoid the pink and yellow blobs)
Mimi: Hey look, he's going to make it!
Davis: *jaw drops* Joe, keep going! Run!
Joe: Eeeeeeeehhh!
Matt: That is the girliest thing I've ever heard.
Tai: Look who's talking, Mr. I'm-Wearing-A-Miniskirt.
Matt: Shut up, dweeby cross-dresser.
Tai: You look like a hag.
Matt: You look like pervert.
Tai: You look like something our cat coughed up.
Matt: That's it. *flying karate chop punch* (Matt and Tai roll around fighting on the ground and send up a cloud of dust. Matt ends up pinning Tai to the ground.
Matt: Yes! Hah! I'm always on top!
Tai : No you're not!
Nat: Ah, I'm so glad we decided to videotape the game.
Matt: OMG! I can't believe I just said that! *scrambles up*
MEANWHILE
Joe: (standing in the end zone) What happened?
Ken: You scored.
Joe: Really? It's time for a happy dance! Happy dance, happy dance!
IL: Oh sorry, we weren't watching.
Ken: You just said you were videotaping the game!
Nat: We were busy taping Matt and Tai having a lovers quarrel.
Tai: That's just plain sick. Besides, I'm not gay. Look! Mimi, will you go out with me?
Matt: Good idea. Kari, will you go out with me?
Tai: Haven't you ever heard the rule of not going out with your best friend's sister?
Matt: We're friends?
Tai: Why don't you ask Sora out; you're going to marry her!
Matt: Just because some weird fortuneteller told us I would EVENTUALLY end up with her doesn't mean I can't date around before then. Besides, she never said I couldn't have multiple wives and divorces and affairs and such.
IL: I suppose. But that also means you could have some husbands and boyfriends thrown into the mix.
Matt: *covers ears* I am not listening!
Sora: I'm not liking the look of this future.
Tai: You know Matt, you're sick. I don't want my baby sister to be mixed up with you and your sick mind.
TK: Isn't there a rule against dating brothers? Kari is already going out with ME so she can't go out with Matt too.
Davis: Kari is going out with ME, not you.
Everyone: Shut up, Davis!
PT: Isn't there a rule against dating your best friend and his sister?
Matt: *covers ears again*
PT: So Matt can't go out with Tai and Kari.
Tai: He's not going out with either of us.
PT: Jealous of Kari now, are you?
Tai: NO!
SF: PT! I can't believe how vile your mind is...I'm impressed.
PT: Why thank you.
SB: So Tai can't go out with Matt and TK.
TK: How did I get dragged into this?!
PT: Oh wait...if Matt is also dating Jun and Kari is dating Davis...then Tai can't go out with Davis.
Matt: I'm NOT dating Jun.
Jun: Yeah, we're married!
Matt: We have discussed this. People cannot be legally married until they are 18, unless the parents of both parties give their consent.
Jun: Engaged, then.
Kari: I'm NOT dating Davis! The Motimiyas just latch onto people and make their lives miserable. And besides, Tai can't date Jun because...I mean Davis...I mean...what are we talking about? I am seriously confused by all these people involved.
PT: That's why I'm helping to classify exactly which relationships will and will not work.
Tai: No you aren't! You're just thinking up creepy, unnatural reunions!
Joe: Um, hello, I just scored a touchdown here.
Ken: What? Oh yeah. No one really cares anymore. Football is boring.
Joe: But that's the most astounding accomplishment I've ever had in a sport!
Ken: Meh.
Davis: My favorite accomplishment was the time I tripped Ken and made him bleed. That was fun.
Ken : Oh? That one time I ran circles around your entire team?
Davis: And I made you bleed.
Ken: That's it. It's time to make YOU bleed now. *pulls out whip*
Davis: *yelps* Don't hurt me! Cody, give me your Kendo stick.
Cody: H-E-double Kendo stick NO!
Davis: Grandpa's going to get you now.
Cody: Nope, I'm safe with that one. Grandpa taught me that if I swear on anything holy it should be Kendo sticks or holier.
Yolei: Does Grandpa say things like H-E-double prune juice glasses?
Cody: Well, um, sort of, um...yeah.
Davis: Ow! Ow! Are there no child protection laws in this country??
IL: Well yes, but IFFI radio station is its own country.
Ken: No it's not. *continues flicking his whip 2 inches from Davis*
Davis: Ow! Ow! I'm bleeeeding!
TK: Um, Davis, the whip is not touching you.
Davis: Ow! Oh. I know, I was just practicing my acting skills.
TK: You have no acting skills.
Davis: I do too! Haven't you seen me acting like I'm really dumb?
Kari: Um...yes.
Davis: Wanna see me act like a genius? *puts on a red wig and speaks in a German accent* "My name is Davis Izumi, and the speed of light is 36 billion feet a second, and *loses accent* I think I'm so smart, and I'm soooo coool, and everyone wants to hear ALL my theories..."
Kari: A little jealous?
Davis: NO, I'm acting.
Izzy: Then you should have called yourself Davis Ichijouji. *punches and kicks him*
IL: That's a good idea. What prior acting experiences have you all had?
Jun: I was Mary in a church play once!
Matt: You walked into a church and didn't burst into flames? You?
Davis: Yep, and I was one of the Wise Men.
Matt: A wise man. I certainly hope that was a non-speaking role.
TK: So Davis didn't burst into flames either? This wasn't the Church of the Dark Lord, was it?
Joe: I would like to make it known that I, Joe Kido, scored a touchdown.
Ken: No one cares.
Joe: God cares!
Mimi: We're not going to talk religion now, are we? It makes my head hurt.
Sora: Great! So, is anyone still following the old religion, or have we all converted to Christianity so IL and Nat wouldn't be confused?
Tai: IL, did you or Nat ever walk into a church and burst into flames?
IL: You could be electrocuted at any moment. Like this moment. *Sparky attacks him*
Tai: Owww...
Ken: Ask me a question on any one of the 411 religions. I know them all perfectly.
Izzy: Ask me first!
Davis: OK, try to answer this: What is the Catholic name for God?
Kari: Is this you "acting" dumb?
Ken: Um, G-
Izzy: "God!" I'm smarter than you Ken!
Ken: But I paused to make him feel stupid!
TK: Can someone please explain to me the point of religion? I want to know how the universe was created.
Ken: No one knows that.
Izzy: I do! *grabs his computer*
Rod: Ah, ah, ah, you can't have that yet.
IL: He can use it for 5 minutes.
Izzy: OK, look. See? I was doing some work to figure out how to blow up Israel -
Sora: What? How dare you! The poor Jewish people have been through enough!
Izzy: Ahem. Remember how God supposedly drowned the whole world after all humans became IL and Nat? Well, as the closest thing to God on earth, I feel it is my duty to bomb the whole area, thereby ending the war by total obliteration of both sides so that they can start over again in peace. Anyway, I accidentally proved that there is no God.
TK: Eh, oh well. I'm fairly confident that aliens brought life to earth. Mulder the Delivery Boy cornered me and talked for about 5 hours on how I had to warn the people about pending alien colonization.
IL: You realize Mulder is insane.
TK: Then YOU will become an alien slave when they take over the world 10 years from now.
IL: I'll start worrying about that right away.
Joe: You make me sick. The guiding light of Christianity is...wait, why am I a Catholic, again?
Izzy: The government brainwashed you.
Joe: I want to change my religion.
Cody: *gasps* How dare you! You terrible sinners! Straying from the Holy Buddha! You will be reincarnated as the lowliest slugs and moths and...Unitarians!!
Yolei: You have a problem with Unitarians?
Cody: *nearly faints* Another heathen! Grandpa!
Matt: Actually, I've been researching some stuff, and it turns out I'm the perfect candidate for Nazi-ism.
Izzy: That's not a religion.
Matt: It is now!
Izzy: That's a political party.
Jun: OK, I'll be a Nazi-ist too!
Matt: NO. To be a Nazi-ist, you have to have blond hair and blue eyes. And be a boy.
Jun: Then I'll be the devoted wife of my manly Nazi!
Matt: Crap. I've got it! I'll become a monk! No women allowed near me.
Tai: I'll shave your head for you.
Matt: That would suck. OK, how about Mormon?
Izzy: That's multiple wives.
Matt: So I could let Jun marry me and then force her to be the cooking/cleaning/servant wife while I marry a nice wife?
Izzy: Yep.
Nat: I think it's time we played another game.
Joe: Why don't you just call the show "Unholy Games" and be done with it?
Matt: I am NOT going back to being the cheerleader while you play football.
IL: Are you sure you don't want to go back? We only really need one cheerleader, anyway. You could join the team or just watch the game.
Tai: You imbecile! I don't want to cheer alone!
TK: Go ahead Matt, play. You can play the game and score, then resume tackling people and wrestling them to the ground. Then the quarterback will stare at all the other players who are conveniently lined up in front of him and crouched over.
Izzy: Sick! (turns to Ken) And you WANTED to be the QB!
Ken: Um, not anymore...
Kari: I can think of funny words that "QB" stands for.
Davis: Can I be the quarterback? Can I be the QB?
Mimi: What does QB stand for?
Ken: Quarter Back.
Mimi: No, Kari's version.
Kari: Quite Bitchy.
Ken: I'm NOT bitchy!
Kari: OK then, Queer Boy.
Mimi: Oh! How about Quirky Butthead??
Tai: How about Quilted Blanket?
Davis: The quilted, quicker-picker-up-per! Bounty!
Everyone: *stares*
Kari: That's just stupid. Tai, how dumb can you get?
Tai: If you weren't my sister I'd beat you up.
Kari: You couldn't do it if you tried.
Tai: Wanna bet?
Matt: OK, if we're all done playing football, can I PLEASE change out of this girly skirt? Someone's going to see me!
Tai: I'm looking at you right now.
Matt: I meant someone cool.
*car drives by* *Sudden explosion of flash bulbs*
Teen's Voice: Woohoo! I got the cover picture of the National Enquirer! "Old Man Has Sick Double Life as Cheerleader!"
Matt: I'm not old! This beard was an accident! And I didn't WANT to be a stupid cheerleader! What will my fangirls think?
Tai: Um, Matt, I hate to tell you this, but you only have one fangirl. Her name is Jun.
Matt: What?? The record company told me yesterday that I'd just sold my 900th album.
IL: Note from record label: 891 albums were just returned.
Matt: What??
Tai: Did you notice how this show today is live?
Matt: Huh...oh, crap. Well, I still have at least 9 fangirls!
Tai: Do you remember WHY it's bad that we are on this show?
Matt: No...
Jun: Actually, I bought 5 copies to support your band.
Tai: So who has the other 4?
Matt: Not possible. I have irrefutable proof that my fangirls exist. I save all of the letters I've ever gotten. And I carry them around for good luck!
TK: But you've never opened them.
Matt: I don't want to tear them.
Sora: Let's see them. Open some and read them out loud.
Matt: Fine. *pulls out 5 letters from his beard*
Joe: Oookkayyy...
Matt: My skirt didn't have pockets. Anyway, here's one from my "Secret Admirer."
Davis: Let me see that. *checks the envelope* Don't even bother with that one. That Jun's handwriting and my house is the only one that uses pink bunny stamps on all of its letters.
Matt: No way! It can't be! Well how about this one: "Dear Matt, I love you. I think you're hot. I watch you on the IL show all the time and I had to buy a second copy of your music video after the first one wore out. I watch it every night on mute. Anyway, I wanted to write you and tell you how I really feel. I'm your biggest fan. I LUVA YOU. Love, Maria."
Tai: *peering over his shoulder* Um, excuse me, but that says "Mario."
Chapter4