The Lost House of Dead Celebrities

Of course if they choose to do that, they can't be seen in public anymore. SO - Hollywood built a 5 story mansion on a secluded place in the Rocky Mountains where all of the "dead" celebrities would live. Since they had to give up their public life, they decided to continue their lives in private the way that they know best.

For the first time ever, this list of the people living in the house can be seen by the public. (also listed is the person's house duties)

FRANK ZAPPA, JIM MORRISON, JIMI HENDRIX - The landlords

Bill Hicks - advice, dirty jokes

Bon Scott - drunk

Bob Ross (happy painter) - invitations

Cliff Burton - security, attitude

Andre the Giant - entertainment, stupidity

Kurt Cobain - weapons, drug tester

Sam Kinison - party animal, obscenities

Randy Rhoads - tunes Cobain's guitar

John Denver - schmuck

Laurel and Hardy - confusion

John Bonham (led zeppelin)- tour guide

Stevie Ray Vaughn - professional drink mixer

Jerry Garcia (greatful dead) - hallucinates about rabid gophers biting his neck

Notorious BIG - thug, dealer

Janis Joplin - gardener, bitch

2pac - thug, drive by's

Elvis - cook

Princess Di - driver

Marylin Monroe - slut

Mother Theresea - cook, cleaner

John Lennon - philosopher

Shannon Hoon (Blind Melon) - vagabond, junkie

Brad Nowell (Sublime) - watches Trainspotting all day, tries to stick remote into his arm

Kojack - gimp

Bruce, Brandon Lee - intimidation, pit captains

John Candy - writes more bad movies

George Burns - lame jokes, tells everyone he had a cigar in Bill Clinton

Savannah - lesbian

Richard Nixon - con man

Anton LeVey - sells satanic teletubbies

Babe Ruth - attitude

Jeff Dahlmer - taste tester

Ed Gein - kidnapper, upholstery

Mel Blanc (warner bros) - cartoons

Tim Leary - party favors

James Dean - teen idol, queer

Freddy Mercury (queen) - Dean's "friend"

Eazy E - public relations, bitch slapper

Jim Jones - crowd control

Eric Carr (Kiss) - crash test dummy

Dwayne Allman - hillbilly

Brian Pillman (wrestler) - pimp

Dr Seuss - wit, story teller

Jim Henson - Seuss' sidekick

Sammy Davis Jr - racial diversity

Spuds Mckenzie - pet, babe magnet

Jimmy Hoffa - mob connections

Orville Redenbacher - snacks, tries to stick Spuds on the grill

Mama Cass - dietition

John Wayne - mop boy

Boss Hogg - swindler

Einstein - genius, bomb builder

Gordon Kahl - taxes, bills

Houdini - ties himself to Monroe but doesnt try to escape

Fred Gwynn - butler, stoopid looks

River Phoenix - publicity

John Belushi - party planner

Jacque Coustou - cleans fish bowl

Col. Sanders - waiter, busboy, slave trader

Graham Chapman (monty python)- talking mime

Lee Harvey Oswald - hit man

Leo Fender - innovator

Alfred Hitchcock - inspirational speeches

3 Stooges - chaos

Ed Sullivan - host, pedophile

Tattoo (fantasy island midget) - bartender

Burgess Meredith (grumpy old men)- senile pervert

Gianni Versace - plays with barbie dolls

Karen Carpenter - cannibal

Brian Wilson (beach boys) - swimming instructor

Jack Daniels - refreshments

JonBenet Ramsey (6yr old model) - tomboy

Marshall Applewhite (heaven's gate) - teaches oragami and castration

Bob Marley - lays on the floor and stares at the ceiling fan

Chris Farley - dj, cleans the mirrors

Orson Wells - radio show

Denver Pyle (uncle jesse) - cross dresser

Roy Orbison - interior designer

Ronnie VanZant (lynyrd skynyrd) - southern baptist preacher

Jayne Mansfield - sextoy

Raul Julia (gomez) - picks weeds in the tomato patch

Marquis De Sade - erotic puppet shows

Linda McCartney - lounge singer, but no one listens

Sonny Bono - skier

John Kennedy Jr - ski instructor

Phil Hartman - marriage counseler

Harry Caray - sells hooked-on-phonics books to crack kids

Salvador Dali - paints gang signs on freeway bridges

Lloyd Bridges - stunt man, janitor

Florence Griffith Joyner - manicure fortune teller

Gene Siskel - keeps giving reviews of Kindergarten Cop, saying "Its not a Tooma"

Dana Plato (family ties) - inventory (valium, guns, needles)

Owen Hart (wrestler) - stunt coordinater

JFK Jr. - stunt pilot

Wilt Chamberlain - condom salesman, ballet dancer

Jim Varney (Ernest) - ballet instructor

Walter Matthau - nailed to the wall next to a moose head, Belushi and Nixon throw prunes at him

Sir Alec Guinness (Obi Won)- writes hate mail to star wars fans

Joe C (Kid Rock's Sidekick) - wilt chamberlain's dance partner

Joey Ramone - sits in rocking chair all day humming to himself

Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf - fudge packer (no, really! the chocolate kind)

Carroll O'Connor - crack whore

*

COMING SOON

Since it's been built, the house has become a home to the most famous celebrities that the world has known. Because the house is already quite full with society's best personalities, Hollywood decided to build another mansion right next to it. The new house is being reserved for those celebrities that aren't "dead" yet, but will very likely "die" within the near future. These people have all earned the right to their own mansion, just as those in the first house have.

Keith Richards, James Brown, Don Rickles

Rodney Dangerfield, Muhammed Ali, Fidel Castro

Charles Manson, Jimmy Page, Ace Frehly

Robert Plant, Lemmy, Cheech and Chong

Syd Barrett, George Carlin, Willie Nelson

Mel Brooks, Hugh Hefner, Bob Barker

Ike Turner, Larry Flint, Roger Corman (horror producer)

Sean Connery, Alice Cooper, Marlon Brando

Lance Hendrickson (Frank Black), Clint Eastwood

Bob Dylan, BB King, Martin Short

Leslie Nielson, Jonny Carson, Ozzy Osbourne

Bob Dole, Jack Kevorkian, Les Paul

James Brown, Steven King, Bill Murray

Boris Yeltsin, Jack Nicholson, Dolly (cloned sheep)

Mike Tyson, Lee Iacocca, Jack Palace

Tim McVeigh, David Gilmour, Don King

Chuck Berry, Ted Kaczinski, George Lucas

Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, Gene Simmons

Gary Larson (far side), Richard Petty (racing legend)

John Cleese (monty python), Berke Breathed (bloom county)

Don Knotts, Michael J. Fox,

*

*

*THE PIT*

Not every celebrity earns their way into the house. Lets face the truth. Most celebrities suck. The pit is a large dungeon underneath the house where all the talentless or generally hated celebrities will someday be put. Every week, the residents of the house go down to the pit and shamelessly beat and torture everyone. Everyone here is scum.

Michael Jordan, Spice Girls, Puff Daddy, Hanson

David Hasselhof, Bjork, Deon Sanders

Rush Limbaugh, Tom Snyder, Kathy Lee Gifford, Regis

Ru Paul, Hitler, Superparalyzed man (christopher reeve)

Bill Gates, The Jacksons, Prince, Walt Disney, OJ

Spike Lee, Ebert, Madonna, Courtney Love

Ricki Lake, The Olsen twins, Martha Stewart, Ross Perot

Fabio, Tipper Gore, The Village People, Elton John

Michael Bolton, Maria Carry, Larry King, Yoko Ohno

Bee Gees, Old Yeller, Sammy Hagar, Willard Scott

Pillsbury Doughboy, Mr Rogers, Michael Stipe, Barney

No Doubt, Pee Wee Herman, Elmo, Alf, Erkle, Bob Villa

Keenan and Kel, Garth Brooks, Brady Bunch, Snuggle Bear

The fat chick from snapple, Jacob Dylan, Dick Clark

Oprah, Robert Shapiro, Jonny Cochran, Ed McMahon

Casey Casem, Rosie Odonnel, Gary Coleman, Merryl Streep

William Shatner, Chelsea Clinton, Ronald McDonald, Yanni

Lorena Bobbit, Fred Savage, Tony the Tiger, Macaulay Culkin

Sigfried and Roy, Richard Marx, Paul Bearer, Brandy, Babe

Dick Vitale, Nancy Kerrigan, Milli Vanilli, Bob Hope

JonBenet Ramsey's parents, Jay Leno, Sally Struthers

Queen Elizabeth, Prince Charles, Tiger Woods, Jim Davis

Tony Little, Woody Allen, Sting, Leann Rimes, Dick Van Dyke

Goldon Girls, Elizabeth Taylor, Aaron Spelling, Margaret Cho

Tony Randall, Jamiroquai, Jim Breuer, Colin Quinn, Cheri Otari

Leonard Nimoy (spock), Dr. Ruth, Julia Child, Andy Griffith

Charlton Heston, Ricky Martin, Barbara Streisand, Aaliyah

All brainstorming was done by Wade Barth and John Trenbeath. (with a little help from our friends)

"The House" is supposed to summon laughter from inside your evil spirit. If you have no evil spirit, or if your idea of humor comes from watching reruns of America's funniest videos - Go somewhere else.

If you are actually bored enough to read this whole page and still find nothing to laugh at, Please accept my heart warming apology and my suggestion to consider suicide as an alternative to your satisfying and productive life.

Ha - Now That was Funny.

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Email: barthwa@yahoo.com