Late Night B-Movie Shrine

without further ado, here's

The List of Late Night B-Movies!

Directed: By Rachel Talalay Starring Lori Petty .... Tank Girl Ice-T .... T-Saint Naomi Watts .... Jet Girl Tagline:In 2033, justice rides a tank and wears lip gloss Plot: Based on the British cult comic-strip, our tank-riding anti-heroine fights a mega-corporation, which controls the world's water supply. Comments: I think this is my dad and my favorite. this movie is so funny! Tank Girl (Petty) is taken hostage by the guy that controls the water supply, and after escaping with Jet Girl (Watts) she joins forces with "the Rippers" which are mutated kangaroo people, and wreaks havoc on :The Man". this movie is well worth it. i even bought the DVD. Favorite Quote: Tank Girl: You gotta think about it like the first time you got laid. You gotta go: "Daddy, are you sure this is right?"

Directed: Robert Lee King Starring Lauren Ambrose .... Chicklet/Florence Thomas Gibson (I) .... Kanaka Nicholas Brendon .... Starcat Tagline:Party till you drop...DEAD Plot: Spoof of 1960's Beach Party/Gidget surfing movies mixed with slasher horror films stars Lauren Ambrose as Florence Forrest, a not-so-innocent girl in 1960's Malibu who becomes "Chicklet" the first girl surfer at Malibu Beach, only Florence suffers from schizophrenia and occasionally her alter ego Ann Bowman, a sexualy agressive, foul-speaking girl, comes out in which during that time several beach goers are found murdered. The suspects include Chicklet herself, surfer greg Kanaka, B-horror film actress Bettina Barnes, exchange student Lars, and even Chicket's own mother. Comments: This was truly one of the weirdest GOOD b-movies i've ever seen. it remains in the top 3 favorites for taht very reason. Chicklet's schitzofrenia is triggered whever she see's POLKA DOTS. that in itself make the movie watchable! Favorite Quote: Flournce"Chicklet"Forrest: I'm no mere chick! I'm a goddess! And the first thing I'm gonna sacrifice are ya balls, sonny!

Directed: George Erschbamer Starring Lorenzo Lamas .... Jack Kelly 'Soldier' Josie Bell .... The Kid Naomi Watts .... Jet Girl Tagline:none Plot: The Snake Eaters are an elite division of the Marines especially trained for search and destroy missions. This actioner chronicles the exploits of one of them who has become a cop. Known as a tough loner, he returns to find the band of backwoods bad-guys who killed his parents and abducted his sister.. Comments: ok this movie is BAD. BAD BAD BAD! lorenzo lamas may have a nifty name, but his acting ability reminds me sadly of a loaf of white bread. there's nothing to it! as for the plot, it was just your basic crap action movie, and really was a good way to waste 2 hours of my life. the worst thing is, IT'S A TRILOGY!!! that's right folks, not one, not two, but THREE Snake Eater Movies!!! YIKES! Favorite Quote: really coldnt find one worthy of this summery.

Directed: George Miller (II) George Ogilvie Starring Mel Gibson .... 'Mad' Max Rockatansky Tina Turner .... Aunty Entity Tagline:Two men enter. One man leaves. Plot: Bartertown is a city on the edge of a desert that has managed to retain some technology if no civilization. Max has his supplies stolen and must seek shelter there in a post apocalypse world where all machines have begun to break down and barbarians hold what is left. He becomes involved in a power struggle in this third Mad Max film where he must first survive the town, survive the desert and then rescue the innocent children he has discovered.. Comments: This Movie was really bad. i dont remember MUCH about it, except that tina turner wasnt a nice girl, and there was a little man who rode on a BIG man's shoulders, and together they were "master blaster!" and they repeated "who owns BarterTown? MASTER BLASTER owns bartertown!" too much. this one was funny like crazy though! Favorite Quote: Max: I ain't Captain Walker. I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.

Directed: Robert Crouse Starring Cynthia Rothrock .... China O'Brien Richard Norton (I) .... Matt Conroy Keith Cooke .... Dakota Tagline:there wasnt one Plot: China O'brien; big city police woman; martial arts trainer, is forced to hand in her badge and head home to her father and the small town where she grew up. The peaceful town she knew is now struggling against the clutches of organized crime. When her father, the town sheriff, is killed China decides to run for his position and clean up the town. The poll results spark a series of confrontations that finally decide who runs the town . . . Comments: i think the only thing dryer than the desert setting, is the acting. this movie SUCKED in many ways that i never thought possible. the acting was terrible, the plot was stupid, and really the characters were idiots! i have nothing good to say really. except this really gave my father and i something to make fun of aside from Chuck Norris movies.this is yet another one that has a sequel. and yes, #2 is just as bad as #1. but you've seen the first one, you've seen the second one. same characters, and same plot. no joke! Favorite Quote: there were no good quotes from this one either

Directed: Eric red Starring Charles Dance .... Lyle Yates Lou Diamond Phillips .... Jack Ketchum Mia Sara .... Willie Yates Tagline:wasnt really a tag line Plot: this movie only had 3 people in the whole cast. the plot is that Lou Diamond Philips gets caught out in the middle of nowhere, in a bg rain storm. he ends up being stranded at a mountain Man's house for 3 days, in this rain storm. the man that owns the house, Charles Dance, is really extreme, and likes to point guns at people and set bear traps. his wife, Mis Sara, is quiet, and falls in love with Lou. they try to escape from the mountain man, with many problems are weird moments along the way. Comments: This movie falls under the Lifetime Movie network Stalker Films category, and truthfully, it's a good movie. very suspenseful. this one is probably something a lot of people would overlook, but this movie isnt bad Favorite Quote: none available

Directed: lev L Spiro Starring George Wendt .... Charlie Shanna Reed .... Rhonda Christopher M. Brown .... Joseph Tagline:none Plot: Charlie and Rhonda are a sweet and comfortable married couple on vacation with their lovely daughter Daphne. They find a rundown boarding house and its haggard owner, Joseph, an ex-con whose mother has just died and left him the house. He doesn't know why this cheerful couple would want to vacation in the worst part of Los Angeles, but he doesn't know they're vacationing from outer space, and their idea of fun is murdering lowlife out on the streets. Comments: This movie was full of bad acting, bad plot, and pad jokes. i loved it! this movie (and Alien Avengers part 2) was REALLY funny! i highly recommend it, if you've only gotten 3 hours of sleep, have nothing to do, and it's at LEAST past 3am. Favorite Quote: none, sadly

Directed: Sam Irvin Starring Bill Campbell .... Delbert Mosley Bob Goldthwait .... Cobb Billy Bob Thornton .... Jailbird Tagline:Party till you drop...DEAD Plot: A Pullitzer Prize winning photographer, named Mosley, gets kickedoff his job by his boss (Bobcat Goldthwait) for not taking sensational pictures consistently. He finds an old camera in a Pack-Rat's yard sale, which he later finds has some undeveloped film in it. He develops it, sees proof of aliens abducting a man, and tries to ask different people, including the Air Force, newspaper, a UFO freak, and finally a tabloid to help him. The tabloid publishes his story in a way that makes fun of him. He heads to the tabloid office to confront the president, and gets in a fight, and tossed in jail, where he meets yet another UFO freak (Billy Bob Thornton). He gets bailed out (just in time!) by a beautiful young woman, named Paige, whose father was in the pictures being abducted, and has disappeared ever since... Comments: well, the aliens landed in the 50's (I believe) and the people that saw it land dissappeared. including the dad of the main lady. in order to hide the evidence, they (the government or movie company, I'm not sure) made it into a really bad movie. The people in the movie joined the aliens by drinking milk and eating graham crackers with something to change your DNA into alien DNA. the only thing that the two main characters found to link the dissappearences of these people who were kinda screwballs, was that they found these nudey pens (hold them upside down, their clothes "melted"). The only thing that could defeat them was accordions. The father of the main lady (insert name here) appeared at the end of the movie to save their bacon. He had accordions stashed in port-a-potties around the countrie "for just such an emergency". when the aliens tried to force them to join them, they played the accordians and the aliens turned into packing peanuts. wow. Favorite Quote: none

Directed: Lorenzo Doumani Starring Randy Quaid .... General George S. Merlin Brenda Epperson Doumani .... Dr. Laura Casey Katherine Heigl .... Shannon Griffin Tagline:There's something creepy in the neighborhood... Plot: A small lakeside resort community is beset by roaches. Big killer roaches that reproduce in dark moist places, and can grow to 10' foot long. The local sheriff may or may not be using them as part of his land-grab scheme. The locals eventually call in an over-the-top bug exterminator to relieve themselves of their problem. Comments: i dont really think i need to even touch this one. it was terrible, but sadly, i watched the whole thing. wow is all i can say. Favorite Quote: none

Directed: Julien Temple Starring Geena Davis .... Valerie Jeff Goldblum .... Mac Jim Carrey .... Wiploc Tagline:An out-of-this-world, down-to-earth comedy adventure Plot: Trio of fuzzy (and funny) aliens crash land in Valerie's pool-- putting a decided damper on her future wedding plans to cheating Dr. Ted Gallagher. Action interrupted by musical numbers--an MTV musical comedy. Comments: this movie has a lot of big stars, and that's about it! it was very funny, and pointless, and that's all that matters. Favorite Quote: Woody: Waste your brain; wax your board; pray for waves.

Directed: Alberto Sciamma Starring Alicia Borrachero .... Reporter Doug Bradley (I) .... Headwig Mindy Clarke .... Candy (as Melinda Clarke) Tagline:go for you gums Plot: This horror story involves a woman hiding out with four pastel colored poodles in a desert gas station with the loot from a heist while her boy friend does prison time. A meteorite crashes near the station transforming the woman into an alien being with a gigantic voracious tongue and her poodles are transformed into four drag queens. The whole thing grows even weirder as her boy friend escapes from prison and also encounters the meteorite, as does a mute Nun who is converted into a sexy drum majorette. Pursued by the prison officials who are after him, the whole group eventually come into conflict. Comments: this movie almost gives B-Movies a bad name. this woman's tongue grows about 15 feet long, and in ONE scene, she tries to cut it off, and the tongue freaks out, and hangs the girl by the ceiling rafters by the tongue. VERY stupid, very badly acted, and the special effects were worse than the rest of it put together Favorite Quote: none

Directed: fred olen ray Starring Ashlie Rhey .... April Maureen Flaherty .... May Shayna Ryan .... June Tagline:Party till you drop...DEAD Plot: The Three Seasons Bikini Team (April, May & June) leave on a cross-country tour, but June sabotages the trip. They and the photographer end up in Pig Hollow, where Missy Sue is desperately looking for the deed to Ghost Gulch (where she lives with Pappy and Jeb). The evil Senator wants to find the deed first, so he can sell the land to the government for dumping nuclear waste. The girls end up giving their first ever topless show to raise the money to pay off the fake IRS bill produced by the Senator.. Comments: i know i just summerized the plot, but really there WASNT one. this was a movie for topless women and dumb, but oh so handsome, guys in overalls to run around naked and be permiscuous. this movie was terrible! the only thing that ALMOST saved the movie, was the ghost of crazy joe. he was a drunk guy in the mountains in indian makeup that ran around in circles, screamed a lot, and basically didnt do anything. the hippy guy that painted and thought of the ghost guy as his muse was pretty funny too. but really, what topped it off (aside from the toplessness) was when June woke up in the barn, and screamed cuz there was a COW near her. sheesh. dont EVEN bother! Favorite Quote: none

Directed: Alfred Sole Starring Tom Smothers .... Sergeant Reginald Cooper Paul Reubens .... Johnson Judge Reinhold .... Glenn Dandy Tagline:there wasnt one Plot: Tom Smothers stars as the brave mountie, who along with his trusty horse and bitter deputy Paul Reubens must track down a killer who is stalking coeds at a nearby cheerleader camp. Comments: i have NO idea what posessed me to watch this. it involves a canadian mountie, who for some reason is in the US and still has jurisdiction,a girl with bad hair that had the ability to move things with her mind, which comes out of her eyes in the form of red lazers, and a cross-dressing football player that wants to be a cheerleader. the movie DOES come together, mostly. i think. Favorite Quote: none

Directed: Luca Bercovici Starring Dean Cameron (I) .... Ralph LaVie Toni Basil .... Phoebe LaVie Thomas Dolby .... Stanley Tagline:He's a vampire who hasn't scored in 400 years. Tonight's the night! Plot: Rockula is about a male vampire who lost his lady love, centuries ago. She was killed by a pirate with a rhine stone peg leg wielding a large ham bone. Our hero, the vampire, did nothing to save her. So he is now cursed to watch her be born again, in another life, and then watch her die, strangely enough by a pirate with a rhine stone peg leg wielding you-know-what. Now, in 1990, he has, he suspects, his last chance to try and save her, instead of watching get clubbed over and over again down through the years. Oh, and he becomes a rock star in the process. Comments: every 22 years, Ralph the vampire's love named Mona is lost exactly at midnight on Holloween. Every time, he sees her be killed by a pirate with a rinestone peg-leg weilding a gigantic ham bone. Really. in 1990, he meets Mona again, and falls in love with her. She has a band and he figures that the only way he can get close to her, is to make his own band. It was suggested by his mirror reflection (yes, he has a reflection, but he's a horny sucker) in a joke to name it Rockula, so he did. He meets her, they fall in love, he tells her about the past life and in order to make her believe it, he turns into a bat-type guy (short, hairy, bat ears, little wing-arms, boxer shorts.. you get the point) and she freaks out. She had been dating a mortitian, but he found out about Ralph's, umm... history. He consulted his psychic (which turned out to be Ralph's mom) and she told him to kill Mona and freeze her in a new cryogenic coffin so she'll be beautiful forever. She also tells him to dress as a pirate and gives him a rhinestone peg leg. you get the idea. He saves her, ends the chain, have a song break (yes, they do sing in this movie), and live happily ever after. Very, very funny movie. ! Favorite Quote: Stanley: You might say I have a -- a STAKE in what happens to you. I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off like a bat out of hell. The world is full of bloodsuckers and I would hate for anything to happen to you!

Directed: Larry Cohen Starring Adam Arkin .... Tony Walker Roz Kelly .... Jane Ed McMahon .... Col. William P. Walker Tagline:none Plot: A teenager (Adam Arkin) becomes a werewolf after a family vacation in Transylvania. . Comments: In the sixties, a football hero of Full Moon high school travels to Europe somewhere and gets bitten by a werewolf. He changes into a werewolf (obviously) and is forced to roam the earth. Whenever he's turning into a werewolf, you hear violin music like in normal horror movies, but he comments on it, saying something about a dog and his musical accompanyment. Years later, he decides to visit his hometown again, saying he is his son. A plague of "nippings" (he doesn't kill anyone, just nips them here and there) occurs and eventually they figure it out. There are an aweful lot of funny headlines throughout the whole thing, illistrating his travels, like "Werewolf eats Chinese, hungry hour later" and stuff like that (he had nipped a Chinese woman), and "Jack the Nipper strikes again. You know, stuff like that. This movie has actually played in daylight recently, surprisingly. It is a prime movie. Hillarious.. Favorite Quote: none