Lord of the Mings
By Aguachica

A/N: Please note that I in no way own the Lord of the Rings.

Once there was an old Hobbit named Bilbo. He was fairly happy, seeing as how he had a nice little Hobbit cousin called Frodo living with him. Frodo was his favorite cousin and was good about helping out around the house.

Bilbo also possessed a nice picture of Gimli, Son of Gloin Crossing the Delaware, (Which was odd, as Bilbo had never heard of the Delaware. Also, Gimli was a Dwarf and hated boats, so in this picture, the Delaware had no water; just a boat sitting in a dry riverbed.) And a rather plain but charming, priceless porcelain Ming vase.

The Ming was Bilbo’s most prized possession. It happened to be not only a priceless Ming vase; but also the one Ming, the ruling Ming. It was to Bilbo only an enchanted Ming that made Bilbo invisible if he put it over his head. It also made the whole world invisible to Bilbo, as the Ming vase had no eyeholes, until he took it off his head.

However, there came a time when Bilbo couldn’t stay at his house in the Shire anymore. He decided to move to Rivendell, the home of the Elves. Ah, Rivendell! What a glorious place. It was perfect for an ex-pipeweed smoker like Bilbo, with the clean air that healed the lungs.

Bilbo would have to leave Frodo his inheritance. He didn’t mind giving up his house, Bag End (during his 111 years of life he had grown tired of cleaning houses). He also didn’t mind giving up his picture of Gimli, Son of Gloin Crossing the Delaware. However, he felt nervous about giving up his Ming. He knew he didn’t have a choice, the delicate porcelain Ming would never survive the wild parties those Elves gave.

Soon it was time for Bilbo to give his 111th birthday party. He had a plan in mind. He would bring his Ming, and after giving his speech, he would put it on and disappear.

He stepped onto the platform and began to talk. He gave his thanks to all for coming. He then told of his enjoyment of Hobbiton, of Frodo’s inheritance of Bag End, and of the friendship he held for them.

The last thing the Hobbits saw of Bilbo Baggins was Bilbo raising a Ming vase and placing it over his head. This naturally caused uproar. All the Hobbits thought this was the call for a new dance. They scrambled to grab lampshades, vases, and cooking pots and place them over their heads. Then they all danced and jumped around banging into each other due to the lack of eyeholes. The last one standing was declared the winner. Unfortunately, not all the vases were as big as Bilbo’s. This led to many heads getting stuck in vases. Some poor Hobbits were so stuck that they gave up trying to get the vase off and painted a face on it, pasted on some hair (No-one knows where they got the hair from), and pretended the whole thing had never happened.

This made it very easy for Bilbo to go back to Bag End to retrieve his bags. When he got there, the wise old wizard Gandalf the Grey was waiting for him. Gandalf crossed his arms and gave Bilbo a disapproving look.

This made it very easy for Bilbo to go back to Bag End to retrieve his bags. When he got there, the wise old wizard Gandalf the Grey was waiting for him. Gandalf crossed his arms and gave Bilbo a disapproving look.

“What were you thinking, disappearing like that? Someone might have been hurt.”

Bilbo was startled, as he had not known Gandalf was there. He scrambled to shove his Ming vase over his head. Unfortunately, in his hurry, he grabbed the wrong one. Not only was he un-invisible, he couldn’t see or get the vase off his head.

Unfortunetly for all parties involved, Gandalf had misplaced his bifocals. He was having a bit of difficulty seeing if the Ming on Bilbo’s head was indeed the One Ming.

Gandalf sighed and fell upon the age-old test of evil Mings; He tossed the Ming straight into the fireplace. A steady stream of speech came up from the flames. Gandalf had never heard any Orc use such language. Such shocking words could only be from Mordor!

As Gandalf peered closer, he discovered, to his embarrassment and alarm, that there was a head attached to the Ming and didn’t sound too happy. Gandalf pulled the now thourghly angry Hobbit and the Ming out of the fireplace.

Gandalf watched Bilbo stumble around banging into walls for a few minutes before taking pity on the old Hobbit and getting the vase off. Gandalf took one of his gentler firecrackers and, lighting it, he stuffed it into the stuck vase and hid. *BOOM* Now Bilbo didn’t have a vase on anymore. After Bilbo washed the soot off his face, everything was back to normal. Bilbo decided to pretend it had never happened and answer Gandalf’s previous question/comment.

“Oh lay off it, Gandalf,” groaned Bilbo, “Someone was hurt. Young Lotho Sackville-Baggins bumped heads with another Hobbit, who was also wearing a cooking pot. His ears should be ringing for quite some time now.”

“Fool of a Sackville-Baggins.”

Bilbo looked around at his long time home one last time. “Good-bye, old pal. I’m off to Rivendall”

Gandalf looked at him strangely. “It is Rivendell, not Rivendall. That’s the second largest Ming I’ve ever seen - and you’re still holding it!”

“I know it’s Rivendell, but Rivendell doesn’t rhyme with ‘Pal’, does it? And you can have the priceless Ming vase. *sob, sniffle* See if I care.” Bilbo started to flip the Ming onto the floor, thought better of it, and set it carefully on a table. And left.

Frodo walked into Bag End. He was almost surprised to see the wizard there, but wasn’t. “He’s gone, hasn’t he?”

The old wizard’s eyes twinkled in anticipation of forcing Frodo to take to Ming to Rivendell. He had never quite forgiven Frodo for wetting his lap as an infant.

“Yep, he’s gone!” Chirped Gandalf. “He has left you with an evil cursed priceless Ming vase that will give you many long hours of torture. Serves you right for wetting my lap when you were a baby. I knew Hobbit babies should wear diapers.”

Frodo rolled his eyes. “Gandalf, I can’t even remember that. You’re probably just making that story up.” He gazed around. “Is that the Ming?” Frodo paled. “It’s huge! No way am I carrying that sucker to Rivendell! I resign!”

Gandalf leaned in, relishing his job. “How would you like it if I told you I knew a Fanfic writer… who could make the starring character be Pippin and you would be Sam and you would have to lick the road dust off his feet twice a day with your bare tongue!”

“*Gulp*” Frodo gulped. “I say, it sure is a nice day to go to Rivendell with an evil cursed priceless Ming vase and dump it in the Garbage Dump of Doom in Mordor.”

“I thought it would be. Oh, by the way, you can take Sam with you.”

“Whoopee. And I suppose that’s supposed to make it all better?”

“Well, it’ll help when Pippin wants to know why the sky’s blue.”

“Pippin’s coming with me? I’m sorry, I must go into hiding now. And why Pippin?”

“Well I’ve heard that the big Fanfic writer in the sky put Pippin as her favorite Hobbit character. Never meddle in the affairs of a fanfic writer, for they are subtle and quick to anger.” Advised Gandalf.

Frodo raised a little, furry Hobbit eyebrow. “I thought that was about wizards.”

Gandalf coughed. “Er, ahem. But don’t we all report to the next highest up? The Fanfic writers are to Wizards what the Wizards are to Hobbits.” Gandalf lowered his voice and confided: “This one is especially dangerous. She has a crush on Legolas and on Pippin. She controls our lives. We must not anger her.”

Frodo choked. “She has a crush on Pippin? Ewwww. She must be an insane, weird nut. And even though I haven’t met this Legolas yet, I know that she won’t be able to work him into the story because it isn’t long enough to go to Rivendell. What a total idiotic freak.”

You have angered the Fanfic Writer of Doom! How dare you suggest I cannot work my Leggy into this! I am a frantic writer! I can do anything I want to! I will work Leggy into this somehow! And don’t make fun of Pippin if you want to stay in this story! Understood!?

“Yes, Fanfic Writer of Doom.” They dutifully replied. The Fanfic Writer of Doom vanished.

Frodo was white and Gandalf was shaking. Their near disaster had scared them.

Frodo turned to Gandalf. “Do you really think she can work Legolas into this?”

“A fanfic writer can do anything! At least she didn’t turn us into anything unnatural.”

“I thought that was your job.”

“Fanfic Writers are already highly unnatural. It would be impossible for me to turn her into anything more unnatural. Besides, she would just erase it and turn us into an ugly bug. Any way we fought her, we would lose.”

A knock came at the door. Gandalf glared at Frodo. “Aren’t you going to answer it?”

Frodo opened the door. It was a tall Elf, with a bow and arrows, a handsome face, and a nametag that said Hi! I Am Legolas. Frodo screamed.

“Er… Hello? I think I am lost. I was on my way to Rivendell. It was in view when I was suddenly here. I heard something about a Fanfic Writer of Doom. By the way, have you met my friend Pippin?” Frodo screamed again.

“We are going to Rivendell. Why don’t you come with us?” invited Frodo “We’ll have lots of fun, you, Gandalf and I….”

“What do you mean by ‘us’?” asked Gandalf. “Only you, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, and Sam are going. I most certainly am not. Now get out! You’ve wasted half the story fooling about here. Sam is waiting in the garden. Now scram.”

Frodo, Legolas, and Sam scramed.

Soon they reached Frodo’s new home, where Merry and Pippin were waiting. They reached it quickly because the Fanfic Writer of Doom has a short attention span.

Okay, they are now setting off again, this time all the way to Rivendell. Maybe.

Pippin looked thoughtful. His companions got worried when they saw him looking thoughtful. They knew it was coming. “Why is the sky blue? Why is the grass green? Why is snow white? Why do we have to go all the way to Mordor to throw the Ming into the Garbage Dump of Doom? Why can’t they build a Garbage Dump of Doom in the Shire?”

Frodo looked at Legolas. “What do you say, O wise Elf?”

Legolas gritted his teeth and forced a pained smile. “I can answer all those questions in two words.” Frodo hoped that those two words wouldn’t ruin the Fanfic’s G rating. “Just Because.”

Every one except Pippin sighed with relief. Pippin looked confused. “What does ‘Just Because’ have to do with my questions?”

“Pippin,” replied Legolas kindly “the two words ‘Just Because’ happen to be the answer to almost every question in the universe. You have just heard the most traditional phrase in the world, used by kings and great wizards.”

“Wow!” Pippin grinned and was satisfied.

“Are we there yet?” Whined Pippin to Legolas, who was leading them.

“Are we there yet?” Whined Merry to Legolas, who was leading them.

“Are we there yet?” Whined Sam to Legolas, who was leading them.

“Are we there yet?” Whined Frodo to Legolas, who was leading them.

“Are we there yet?” Whined Legolas to Legolas, who was leading them.

“No” answered Legolas.

“I want mushrooms!” Whined Pippin to Legolas, who was leading them.

“I want mushrooms!” Whined Merry to Legolas, who was leading them.

“I want mushrooms!” Whined Sam to Legolas, who was leading them.

“I want mushrooms!” Whined Frodo to Legolas, who was leading them.

“Then go and get some.” Answered Legolas. “Let’s rest here. Merry and Pippin can pick some mushrooms.”

“But we don’t have anything to carry them in.” whined Merry and Pippin.

“Find something. I need to go into the woods. I need some peace and quiet. You gave me a headache. Frodo, Sam, stay here. DO NOT MOVE OR I WILL KILL YOU. Do you understand?”

The two Hobbits in question nodded, trying not to move. Legolas left. Frodo and Sam fell asleep.

“What can we use to hold the mushrooms?” mused Pippin, eyeing the Ming.

Merry nodded and Pippin grabbed the Ming. They went out to find mushrooms.

They came back hours later, the Ming filled to the brim. They sat down at the campfire with their prizes.

Seeing as how Sam and Frodo were sleeping, all the more mushrooms for Merry and Pippin. Pippin was holding the Ming in his lap, using the closer range to scoff more mushrooms then Merry.

“Hey, let me hold it for awhile!” *GRAB*

“No! I had it first and I picked more mushrooms then you!” *GRAB*

Merry stood up. “I’m not going to take this sitting down!” *GRAB*

Pippin stood up and lunged at the evil cursed priceless porcelain Ming vase full of mushrooms. *CRASH! SHATTER!*. The Ming became a zillion tiny Ming pieces. Legolas appeared on the scene, Frodo and Sam woke up. They all stared at the broken Ming. Pippin found his voice first.

“Should I sweep it up?”

Legolas grinned. “Well, now we don’t have to go to Rivendell, or go to Mordor and dump it in the Garbage Dump of Doom. We can go home now.”

The others stared at Legolas in excitement. “Really?” asked Frodo. Legolas nodded. “I have a better idea!” Frodo announced. “Let’s all go back to the Shire and have a party at Bag End!”

Sam looked puzzled. “I thought you sold it to Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.”

Frodo looked at him strangely. “Why would I do a thing like that? The new house is just a summerhouse. After Uncle Bilbo left me all that dragon gold, I can buy anything I want. Let’s go!”

Frodo, Legolas, Pippin, Sam, Merry, and the Fanfic Writer of Doom (they didn’t know she was following them) all went to Bag End to have a party.