Hey there. Welcome to my selection of absolutley NOTHING! Heres a bunch of stuff strung together with no rhyme or reason (along with a little more information about the Armadillo; probably more than you ever wanted to know!). If you are easily entertained, then ENJOY! if not, lighten up!
Heres some tips for anyone relocating to or planning to visit TEXAS.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.
2. Just because YOU can drive on snow and ice does not mean WE can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel
drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. DON'T try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and fish bait in the same store.
4. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular. "All Y'all" is plural and "All Y'all's" is plural possessive.
5. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
6. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: A lot of folks learned to drive on a vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
7. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey,y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
8. Get used to the phrase, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity," as well as the collateral phrase, "You call this Hot? Wait'll August!"
9. There are no Deli's. Don't ask.
10. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
11. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
12. Brisket is not "cooked" in an oven.
13. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
14. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down - in December.
15. We do TOO have 4 seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
16. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol here. A Ford Xtended Cab with 4 wheel drive is.
17. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers ain't hot," you can be certain they are.
18. If you fail to heed the warning in #17 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
19. Rocky Mountain Oysters are NOT oysters, and Turkey fries do come from birds... Don't ask.
20. If someone says they're "fixin'" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
21. If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football,just keep your mouth shut.
22. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
23. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder-that is what is called "courtesy." Smile, wave a hand and drive on by.
24. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hotdogs outdoors.
25. NO. We do not all own oil wells and cattle.
26. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
heres a few things to make ya think:
Since light travels faster than sound,
isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist
when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving
backward,would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
The Armadillo's Favorite Movies
The Armadillo's Favorite Musicians
Ten Things this Armadillo can't live without
