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Daily Humor

~ I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day.
   And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

~I talk to myself, sometimes it is the only way to get an  intelligent
~ I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem.
~ Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the
~ Young at Heart.  Slightly Older in Other Places.
~ Minds are like Parachutes.  They work best when open.
~ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
   thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show
   you  a man who can't get his pants off!
~ Motherhood: Another reason why we need God's constant help.
~ Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is
~ Indecision is the key to flexibility.
~ Having an out of body experience.  Back in five.
~ Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't
   happen at once.

~ If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.
~ Do unto others, then run...
~ Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.
~ I love deadlines.  I especially like the whooshing sound they
   make as they go flying by.

~ Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain

~ It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
~ My heart's in the right place.  I know, 'cuz I hid it there...
~ I used to be Snow White, but I drifted...
~ The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
   you're still a rat.
~ Am I getting smart with you?  How would you know?
~ Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life
   is serious.
~ The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
~ I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got
   the  guts to bite people themselves.
~ I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
~ All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the
~ Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
~ My Reality Check bounced.
~ I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my
   luck,  and dodging deadlines.
~ On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape
~ The Truth is Out There.  So what are you doing Here?!
~ Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil
~ Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
~ I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
~ You are here: X
~ There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
~ Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
~ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
~ I don't suffer from stress.  I'm a carrier.
~ I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
~ Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.  (Dad used
   to say this.)
~ It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
~ Men don't roar, women roar.  Then they throw heavy objects.
~ There are two rules for ultimate success in life.  1) Never tell
   everything you know.
~ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to
   get  you...
~ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~ When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me
   where I am?
~ Motherhood: the longest guilt trip you'll ever take.
~ Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
~ Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and
   taste  good with ketchup.
~ Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
~ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
  Whiz on your computer.
~ Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.