Sign My Guestbook
View My Guestbook
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The
bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold
the
glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to get my
handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand pants
pocket,
you`ll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.
"You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where
is the men`s room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and
there`s one in a filling station on the corner."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
There was this guy who went into a bar with a monkey. The bartender
was
talking to the guy while his monkey went over to the pool table and
started playing with the poolballs. The next thing they knew, the
monkey
was eating the pool balls.
The bartender asked the guy why his monkey was eating the pool
balls.
The guy replied that he eats anything and everything - and there
was
nothing he could do to stop it.
Well, a few days later, the guy came back into the bar with his
monkey.
This time the monkey stayed at the bar with the guy. While the
bartender
and the guy were talking, the monkey was picking up peanuts,
sticking
them up his butt and then eating them. The bartender asked why the
monkey was doing this.
The guy replied, "After those pool balls the other day, he sizes
everything before he eats it."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real
attractive
lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink. The
lady
says "thats a disgusting looking frog you got there." The guys
says,
"Yeah well lemmie tell ya something... this here frog is THE BEST
damn
pussy eater you ever seen." The lady is outrages and says so then
promptly gets up and moves across the bar.
A few hours pass.... The lady has had more then her share, and
starts
thinking about the frog...So she staggers back up to the guy and
says,
"OK prove it!". They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and
is
lying on the bed with legs spread open wide. The guy takes the frog
and
puts it in position, then commands, "go homer!".... the frog lays
there....he commands again... "GO HOMER" the frog still does
nothing....
He picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, "If I`ve
shown
ya once ... I`ve shown ya 1000 times ...now watch how its done!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
This guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka...He drinks the
first and dumps the second on his right hand...He then orders a
second
round of shots...drinks the first and again dumps the second on his
right hand...
The bartender sees this becomes curious as the guy orders a third
round
and does the exact same thing...So the bartender asks the guy "Hey
man I
hope you don`t mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks ?"
So the man says "I have to get my date drunk."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
This redneck walks into a bar and says "Give me a Coke". The
bartender
says "Nah, you want a beer. Every night you come in and have three
beers
and leave."
The redneck says "Yeah, but last night I had three beers here then
went
down the street and had ten more beers. Then I went home and blew
chunks." The bartender says "Well it happens to the best of us."
The redneck says "You don`t understand...Chunks is my Pit Bull."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of
Jack".
The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the
bar
and says "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it
and
says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink
like
you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten
years,
ten years I`ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a
little
early to suprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in
bed
having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?"
The man says, "I told him, BAD DOG!! BAD DOG!!"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and
talking
about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don`t get
it,"
complained the first guy, "He`s not good looking, he has absolutely
no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he
always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"
"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He`s not even a very good
conversationalist,
all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
A Wyoming cowboy gets off a plane in L.A., walks into a nearby bar
and
sits down beside a stunning looking redhead. He tries to pick her
up
but she says, "Don`t waste your time...I`m a lesbian."
"What part of Lesbia are you from?" he asks. "You don`t
understand...see that gorgeous blonde on the other side of the bar?
Well, I`d love to take her up to my room, strip her naked and make
mad
passionate love to her!"
"Wow!` says the cowboy, "I`d like to do the same thing...I must be
a
lesbian too!"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In
this
bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a
tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes
later,
he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.
This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity
got
the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey,
you
keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes
later,
you`re back again. How do you do it?"
"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get
near
the ground, I slow down and land gently. It`s lots of fun. You
should
try it."
The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to
himself,
Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then
walks out to the balcony, and jumps off, and whooooooooooooo,
splat.
The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman,
you`re a
real asshole when you`re drunk."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Gal walks into a bar, orders a Bud, then another, and another, and
she
gets a little tippsy. The guys at the bar notice, so they escort
her to
a booth and screw the daylights out of her.
She comes back the next day, orders another Bud, and another, and
another, and the same guys do the same thing.
Next day she comes in and orders a Coor`s, bartender says "I
thought you
drank Bud?" She says, "I had to give it up, it made my pussy hurt"
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
************************************************************************
SIGNS OF THE ZODIAC
************************************************************************
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined
to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same
mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks
you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - Yau have a vivid imagination and often think
you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor
influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting
your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people
are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a
dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you
are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn
communist.
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker.
People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to
expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap
bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other
peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always
putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare
and
won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others
think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain
and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is
disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and spend
most of their lives kissing mirrors.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder.
This shitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold
and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos
make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer.
Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra
women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle
of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a
perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You
have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no
talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not
worth the time of day.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of
taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There
has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should
kill yourself.
