SHORT STORYS OF HAWAII

SHOOTOUT AT THE HANALEI GOURMET

INTRODUCTION: NEAR THE END OF THE ROAD, ON THE NO. SHORE OF THE GARDEN ISLE
IS THE SMALL VILLAGE OF HANALEI BAY, BEST KNOWN FOR GREAT SURFING, THEN
THERE ARE THE TOURISTS WHO STOP AT THIS TINY TOWN FOR ITS CHARM, AND A
BEACH ON WHICH "SOUTH PACIFIC' WAS FILMED. THE NATURAL BEAUTY OF THIS
RELATIVELY UNTOUCHED SHORELINE HAS NO EQUAL FOR CLEAN WATER, AIR AND IT IS
USUALLY A PEACEFUL PLACE TO SPEND A DAY. NIGHTS FOR THE "KAUAI" COWBOYS" PLAY MUSIC NEAR THE TOWNS TINY SHOPPINGCENTER.

THE TOWNS CENTER OF BUSINESS IS ABOUT HALF A MILE FROM THE
COURTHOUSE AND ANOTHER HALF MILE TO THE TARO FIELDS WHERE A VAST VALLEY IS
FED BY TINY, ANCIENT VOLCANIC ROCK STREAMS FROM THE LUSH JUNGEL MOUNTAINS
INLAND AND BACK TOWARDS BARKING SANDS CLIFFS. THE REAL CLAIM TO FAME IS IN THE
SURF AND SURFERS, SOME OF THESE BOYS ARE FOURTH, FIFTH, SEVENTH, EIGHTH
GENERATON. AMONGST THE HAWAIIANS AND "LOCALS" THERE ARE EVEN MORE EXPERIENCED SURFERS GOING BACK TO THE DAYS OF HI. ROYALTY KING KAMEHAMEHA...THE GREAT.

AFTER SOME LONG SETS OF WAVES AND A TIME FOR LUNC, THE BEST PLACE IN
TOWN WAS ALWAYS "THE GOURMET", DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM THE EQUIPMENT
OUTFITTER, JUNGLE BOB, WHO HAD A REPUTATION FOR BEING A WITTY, SHREWD
BUSINESSMAN DEALING IN THE RENTAL AND SALES OF ANYTHING FROM BOARDS TO BROAD INTERIOR-JUNGLE MAPS FOR THE BACKPACK CROWD.

ON THIS PARTICULAR HOT AFTERNOON, THE COOK HAD A MINOR DIFFICULTY
WITH THE DISHWASHER, ACTUALLY IT WAS JUST A LOT OF BUSINESS FROM THE LUNCH CROWD
WHO ATTEND WHO TEND TO "WOLFPACK" IN AROUND ONE AND MANY STAY TILL THE
HEAT DIES DOWN OR THE TRADEWINDS PICK UP, LONG AFTER ALL THE SURFERS ARE BACK TO THE TOWNS PARKS AND OUT ON THE OCEANFRONT, FACING TO THE NORTH.

THE DISHWASHER HAD PILES OF DISHES, SOME WERE BROKEN AND GOING
ROUND AND ROUND IN THE DISHWASHER, THE DRAIN HAD PLUGGED UP AND ALL THE
KITCHEN AREA BECAME HOTTER AND STARTED TO SMELL LIKE SPAGETTI BEING BOILED
FOR THE SECOND AND THIRD TIME, WHICH IT WAS!

NOW THE DISHWASHER WAS SAYING HE'D QUIT BUT THE BOSS FOR THE AFTERNOON TOLD HIM,
"NO, WE ARE TOO BUSY" AND IN A TNY TOWN LIKE
HANALEI, THAT SORT OF NEWS SPREADS ABOUT ANYBODY WHO QUITS.

AROUND TWO P.M., THE DISHWASHYER STARTED THROWING DISHES AT THE KITCHEN DOOR
AND THEN SAID HE WAS GOING TO MURDER-----!

CROSSING, THE STREET, WITH HIS APRON STILL ON, THE HEAVSET DISHWASHER
ENTERED "JUNGLE BOBS" AND ASKED THE TINY "WAIHINE" IF SHE HAD KNIVES FOR SALE.
AN ENTIRE RACK WAS SET ON THE COUNTER AND THEN HE SAID TO THE WAIHINE,
"I WANT SOMETHING BIGGER"!

JUNGEL BOB HEARD THE DISHWASHER AND RECOGNIZED A TROUBLED GUY WHO WAS JUST ASKING FOR HELP?

"WE HAVE SOME REALLY NICE MACHETTES, THESE ARE FROM BRAZIL, AND HAVE
A CASE WITH EACH ONE" SAID BOB AS HE SMILED AND PULLED ONE OUT OF ITS CANVAS
BAG, PLACING IT SQUARELY ON THE GLASS COUNTE TOP. "IS THIS ONE BIG ENOUGH"
SAID, BOB, AS HE SMILED AND REACHED FOR THE TELEPHONE.

"YEA, THAT'S BIG ENOUGH, AND I CAN PAY YOU TONIGHT, O.K."
SO BOB SMILED, CALLED UP THE TOWNS ONLY "OFFICER" AND ALL THIS WAS
HAPPENING AS HE HEARD THE DOOR SLAM BEHING THE DISWAHER, THE TINY WAIHINE CLERK HAD BEEN HIDING BEHIND A CURTAIN, SHE CAME BACK OUT
TOLD BOB SHE'D LIKE TO GO HOME AND STAY THERE FOR THE DAY. "O.K."
SAID BOB.

NOW THE CLERKK AT THE HANALEI GOURMENT HAD SEEN THE DISHWASHER
RUNNING BACK WITH THE NEW MACHETE AND RECOGNIZED IT, HE HAD JUST BOUGHT

ONE FROM BOB. THESE BRAZILLIAN ONE WERE REALLY GOOD, VERY EFFECTIVE ON KAUAI'S JUNGEL, THAT THE STUFF THAT BEGAN AS YOU WENT OUT THE BACK DOOR
OF THE "GOURMET" AND JUST PAST THE TARO FIELDS.

THE COOK WASN'T A FEARLESS GUY, IN FACT, HE WAS OVERHEATED, STINKING
TIRED, AND THEN THE DISHWASHER CAME RUNNING IN AS HE WAVED AND WEAVED THE
MACHETE AROUND HIS HEAD. THE COOK LOOKED THE DISHWASHER IN THE EYE AND SAID THE FOLLOWING "DID YOU NOTICE THAT OUR OFFICER ARRIVED"?

THE TOWNS ONLY OFFICER STOOD OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR AS THE DISHWASHER CAME
RUNNING BACK OUT THE SAME DOOR HE'D ENTERED ONLY LESS THAN A MINUTE EARLIER.
HE WAS GASPING FOR BREATH AND THE HEAT WAS ABOUT 112 SUB-TROPIC HAWAIIAN DEGREES,
UNDER THE SHADE OF THE ROYAL, HAWAIIAN PALMS
WHICH ARE ALMOST UNIQUE TO THAT PART OF THE ISLAND.

AS A RULE, YOUR "KANE-FOR-REAL DA KINE" HAWAIIAN GUY IS AND ARE BIG,
REALLY BIG. THIS PARTICULAR OFFICER WAS ONE OF THE SMALLEST GUYS ON THE NO.
SHORE AND HE SPOKE UP TO THE KITCHENHELPER AS THE KITCHENHELPER STARTED SHOUTING AT HIM.

"I'M GONNA CHOP UP...AND....KILL.." SAID THE BIG HAWAIIAN AS HE GASPED FOR BREATH AND JUMPED UP IN THE AIR.

"NO YOU' RE NOT", SAID THE DEPUTY AS HE, OFFICER B----, DREW HIS SERVICE REVOLVER, AN OLD ONE THAT WAS RUSTY FROM THE LOCAL SALTY AIR. "AND ANOTHER THING, (THE NEXT TIME YOU TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS) NEVER BRING A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT"!

OFFICER B----WATCHED THE DISHWASHER DROP HIS "KNIFE", THEN HE PUT
THE "CUFFS" ON THE GUY AND TOOK HIM TO THE JAIL IN LIHUE, ON THE SOUTHERN
SHORE OF KAUAI'I, WHERE IT'S ALWAYS A LOT COOLER IN THEIR COOLER. ALOHA--

COPYRIGHT 1992, KAUAI'I, HAWAII, USA ROLAND L. CLARK II

MENTORED AND PUBLISHED THROUGH THE IRISH CATHOLIC REVOLUTION PUBLISHING COMPANY.
BY DR. PATRICK A. O'DOUGHERTY

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