Computer Jokes 
Computer Jokes One night, a Delta twin-engined puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have a parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your whole life ahead of you. You take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack!"
Bob complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see
a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that, there's a computer at the
drug store that can diagnosis anything - quicker & cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only cost $10!!".
Figuring he had nothing to lose, Bob filled a jar with a urine sample and
went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and various
lights started to flash. After a brief pause a small piece of paper popped
out , on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor, and it will better in 2 weeks.
Later that evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology
was, and how it could change medical science for ever, Bob began to wonder if
the computer could be fooled. He decide to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and to top it off he masturbated into the concoction.
He went tothe drug store and poured the sample in while depositing the
$10.00. The computer began to make the usual noises and printed out the following:
Your tap water is hard, get a softener.
Your dog has worms, give him vitamins.
Your daughter's on drugs, put her in rehab.
Your wife's pregnant, it ain't yours, get a lawyer.
If you don't stop jerking off your elbow will never get better.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF:
1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your
significant other.
5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to
meet, your first thought is to IM her.
8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish
to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you.
9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the
"real" world is at your fingertips.
10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted
diseases.
12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you
inform management that there is an error.
13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for
their GIF.
15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous
of people hitting on your cyber-love.
16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like.
17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be
capitalized.
18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep
instead of talking.
20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the
night when your spouse is asleep.
23. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're
on-line again.
24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own
spouse's.
25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they
complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to
your own.
27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying
too much than the truth (online all night).
28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own
profile to see who you are.
29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone
know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own
computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the
same time.
Here are some of the changes we might see:
1) Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually
use the food to its fullest potential.
2) We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.
3) Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King,
McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret
sauce is still in alpha.
4) They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!
5) Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it
from the digestive tract proves impossible.
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;
teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Tech: "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
Cust: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
T: "What sort of trouble?"
C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
T: "Went away?"
C: "They disappeared."
T: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C: "Nothing."
T: "Nothing?"
C: "Nothing, it won't accept anything when I type."
T: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C: "How do I tell?"
T: [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
C: "What's a sea-prompt?"
T: [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
C: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
T: [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wounder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
: C: "What's a monitor?"
T: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C: "I don't know."
T: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C: [muffled sounds] "Yes, I think so."
T: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C: [pause] "Yes, it is."
T: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C: "No."
T: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C: [muffled] "Okay, here it is."
T: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."C: [still muffled] "I can't reach."
T: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C: [clear again] "No."
T: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
T: "Dark?"
C: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
T: "Well, turn on the office light then."
C: "I can't."
T: "No? Why not?"
C: "Because there's a power outage."
T: "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]..... "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
T: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C: "Really? Is it that bad?"
T: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C: "Well, alright I suppose, what do I tell them?"
T: "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion? User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what your said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (C), the latest version of
the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your
new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully.
Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty.
Windows 98 (C) represents a significant technological improvement over
Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (C). You'll notice
immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent
increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (C) contains many features not
found in Windows 95 (C), or in any competing computer operating system, if
there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of
files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space
functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an
easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink
wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (C) offers superior
compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that
you'll never use another company's software again.
Windows 98 (C) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft
Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you
may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (C) offers
you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's
the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer,
or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
of the Microsoft family.
Configuring Windows 98 (C) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is
easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and
select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?"
Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different
ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge
to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded.
You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs
out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you
become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated
with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard.Microsoft
Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.
Windows 98 (C) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000"
computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as
a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for
1900. Windows 98 (C) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit
number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating
system until the year 10,000. However, the extra memory required to record
the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's
internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as a
single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two
15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa."
Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only
takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our
customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you
provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records,
fingerprints, or retina scan, will be shared with any outside company not
already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.
We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (C) as trouble-free as
possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all
with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the
recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but
Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)
If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly,
and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice
Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your
hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software
designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.
Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (C).
12. The Department of Justice will be all over them because basic health
coverage also includes free membership to a Microsoft Health Spa and Gym, and
this is clearly unfair competition to YMCA, World Gym, etc. Microsoft will
still offer the gym membership for free, but you have to fill out a separate
application form to get your membership card.
11. Occasionally, your body will stop and fail to restart, and you'll have to
reinstall the heart to get it going.
10. If you get health insurance as a newborn its much cheaper than if you try
to get it later on your own.
9. If you ever lose your health coverage, you can just go "copy" someone
else's insurance card.
8. If you own another hospital, and you don't want to sell out to Microsoft
Managed Health Care Inc, you can count on a Microsoft Hospital and Clinic
being built next door, with FREE COVERAGE to anyone who comes in.
7. You'll be charged drastically overinflated prices for minor technical
support at the emergency room (well, **not everything** will really change).
6. You can search the web site for your prognosis, and download your
prescription, but to talk to a live doctor, it will cost you $195 per visit,
unless you buy a ten-pack of incidents/year for $1695.
5. The doctor will gladly receive medical records from other
clinics/hospitals, but if you ever go to an outside doctor, the records will
get mangled in the process, or MS Doctor notes will use non-industry standard
terms to describe symptoms.
4. Pharmacist 1.0 won't be able to fill prescriptions written out by Dr. 2.5
or later.
3. Your health insurance covers free office visits, but to actually see a
doctor while you are in the office will cost you an additional $35.
2. Scottish patients (Macs) won't have as good coverage, but the doctors will
just charge more for what they do offer.
And the number one result of Microsoft's takeover of the healthcare system:
1. Lowered average time in ICU, since all monitors and therapeutic equipment
will be running Windows 95. "I am sorry about your wife... it seems her
respirator had a general protection fault."
