How to Give Your Cat a Health Pill in 10 Easy Steps
1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.
2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.
8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.
10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat.
Things You Can Learn from Your Cat
•Make the world your playground.
•Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps
•If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
•When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
•Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
•Nap often.
•When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
•Life is hard, and then you nap.
•Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
•Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
•Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
•Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
•Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
A Rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the
middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled
over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of
the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the
highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to
her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,
dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the
two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards, turned,
waved and hopped another 50 yards.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be
in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What
did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It
said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a
ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming
around the zoo.
A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the
fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked
the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
The kangaroo said, "Probably about a thousand feet, unless somebody
figures out that they keep forgetting to lock the gate at night!"
Bat Story
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him
get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until
finally he gave in.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the
cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep
forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered
around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
Chicken Crossing
Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the
Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the
road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did *not* cross the road.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing
walking around all over the place anyway?"
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important
documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides
3
by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom
we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to
cross roads.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep
in him down.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there
was.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road-it transcended
it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my
genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute.
He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In
return for witnessing this spectacle,each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar,dropped
his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the
man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of
its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital,
unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free
drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any duck
food?" The bartender says, "No, we don't have any duck food, we
just serve people here. Get lost!" Dejected, the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns to the bar and asks again, "Got any
duck food?" The bartender slaps the bar and said, "NO! We don't
have any duck food here and if I see you in here again, I'LL NAIL
YOUR FEET TO MY WALL!!!" The duck scrambles out of the bar.
The very next day, the same duck comes back to the bar and asks,
"You got any nails?" The bartender says, "This ain't a hardware store,
we got no nails here!" The duck replies, "OK, Got any duck food?"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a
drink. When the bartender brings it, the monkey goes berserk and starts
eating everything it can get it's paws on...the garnish from the drink, a
couple of cigarette butts, it jumps on the pool table and eats the cue
ball! Well this is too much for the bartender, he says,"Hey, buddy, did
you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says,"No, what did he
do?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!" The guy says,"It
doesn't surprise me, dang monkey'll eat just about anything. Don't
worry, I'll pay for everything" About a month passes and the guy is
back in the bar where the same routine occurs, except this time the
monkey jumps up on the bar, takes a marischino cherry, sticks it up his
butt, pulls it back out and pops it in his mouth and swallows it! This is
too much for the bartender, he says,"Hey buddy, did you see what your
monkey did this time?" "No, what did he do now?" "He just stole a
marischino cherry, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out and ate it...that's
disgusting!" "Doesn't surprise me. Dang monkey still eats just about
anything...but since that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign
on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes
storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table,
slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time
buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years
we've been out of rye bread!"
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and
how you are my hero."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"
The Educated Parrot
This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot
with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to
it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string
he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,"
replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper
inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.
