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SILLY LISTS

Note to Readers
It seems like every other reviewer (except Cosmic Ben) has a lists page, and I don't want to miss the bandwagon. Instead of compiling my favorite organists, though, I thought I'd do some more silly ideas. I hope you have fun!

Dumbest looking guitars
The Flying V
Brian Jones’ trapezoid guitar
The Teardrop
Eddie Van Halen’s bizarre red-black-white paint job
Coolest guitars
Bo Diddley’s rectangle
Susanna Hoffs’ Rickenbacker
Jimmy Page’s double-neck Gibson
Bruce Springsteen’s Fender
Great musicians stuck in mediocre bands
Mike Dirnt 
John Paul Jones 
Jimi Hendrix (with the Experience)
Michael Jackson (with the Jackson Five)
Mediocre musicians in otherwise terrific bands
Gene Cornish
Joe Strummer
Roger Taylor
Kim Thayil
Least soulful bassists
Cliff Burton
Jack Casady
John Entwhistle
Chris Squire
Drummers who can’t play a shuffle
Mitch Mitchell
Don Brewer
Lars Ulrich
Alex Van Halen
Coolest facial hair
Duane Allman’s muttonchops
Dave Hope’s moustache
Paul McCartney’s beard
Mark McGrath’s chin beard
Frank Zappa’s moustache
Worst facial hair
Martin Chambers’ sideburns
David Crosby’s moustache
Bob Dylan’s (alleged) beard
Axl Rose’s beard
Alec John Such’s soul patch
Hottest members of boy bands
Howie – Backstreet Boys
Justin – *N’Sync
Nick – 98°
Rich – 5ive
Taylor – Hanson
Dweebiest members of boy bands
A.J. – Backstreet Boys
Chris – *N'Sync
Drew – 98°
Robbie – Take That
Trevor – O-Town
Rock and roll songs we like to sing for Abe
"Get Up Stand Up" (Bob Marley) -- whenever he falls down
"It's Alright" (The Impressions) -- when he's got a boo-boo
"Cutie Pie" (to the tune of the Beatles' "Honey Pie") -- because he is one
"Nobody But Me" (The Human Beinz) -- he sure has a way of making us say "no no no no no no no no no"
The Sanford & Son Theme -- for some reason, the cadence Abe uses for "ba ba ba ba" sounds a lot like the opening notes, and we simply carry on
"The Night They Drove Abe Knowlton Down" (to the tune of the Band's "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down") -- when he pouts because we, for example, don't let him chew on an electrical cord
"Peaches" (The Presidents of the United States of America) -- the anthem of Abe's favorite pureed fruit
"Twist and Shout" -- you can't beat this for dancing, and you get to sing "shake it up, Abie, now"
"Bohemian Rhapsody" -- always started when Abe says "mama" in a particularly mellifluous manner
"Rock With You" (Michael Jackson) -- because that's what we do
Any song with "maybe" or "baby" in the title -- "Abie" can be easily substituted ("Abie Baby", "Abie I Love Your Way", "I Love You, Abie", etc.)



READER COMMENTS
  • From Chris Willie Willams: I was checking out your page of silly lists and just wanted to thank you for including Mitch Mitchell in the list of "drummers who can't play a shuffle." Though I miss the old Guided by Voices band, Mitchell ruined more songs than I can count with his incompetence.
    And I'd like to submit Supergrass's Gaz Coombes for one of the facial hair categories. (You can decide for yourself whether it belongs under "coolest" or "worst.") There are some pictures
    here.

  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Uhmaamaa." Steve says: "I was thinking of the Mitch Mitchell from the Jimi Hendrix Experience. I'm not familiar with Guided by Voices, so he might have played in that band as well, and I'm sure his overblown style could have destroyed the groove for almost any group. Thanks for writing!"
  • From Chris Willie Willams: It turns out Kevin Fennell is the name of Guided by Voices' incompetent drummer; Mitch Mitchell was their guitarist. The name just rang a bell with me because when I hear "Drummers who can't play" and see the name "Mitch Mitchell," I immediately think "Guided by Voices." Sorry 'bout that. I really need to start doing my research before I e-mail you and sound like a buffoon, after this and the Geggy Tah thing...
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Haahssah." Steve says: "No worries, that's what this web reviewing stuff is all about; to share opinions, correct misinformation, and to definitively prove the unified field theory. Thanks for writing!"

  • From Jonathon Milenko: The "Mediocre musicians in otherwise terrific bands" is a fascinating category. I can doubly agree, disagree, or form a split opinion on each of your listings. Before I form an opinion on whether Roger Taylor belongs on the list, I need to know: Do you mean Queen or Duran Duran?? Those bands had namesake drummers!
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Uyaa!." Steve says: "I meant Roger Taylor of Queen. The drumming was the best thing about Duran Duran. Thanks for writing!"
  • From Jonathon Milenko: I've gotta recuse myself from any opinions on Queen. They were the first rock band I ever saw performing live, opening for Mott the Hoople in 1974. They are also the only band I've ever heard to use canned applause in a live show. As if it wasn't obvious to everyone in the audience. Insulted my intelligence & I've stayed away for decades. I nominate David Crosby as a mediocre musician in, not just one, but two terrific bands. What's his most memorable contribution to the Byrds or CSN? Does anyone need to hear "Wooden Ships" or "Almost Cut My Hair" ever again? His talent-by-association tactic has gone so far as to make lesbians want to bear his children. Nice work if you can get it!
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Puh." Steve says: "I don't know, it seems like nicer work if a heterosexual woman wants to bear your children, if you know what I mean. :) Thanks for writing!"

  • From Dirk: Mike Dirnt is part of the best band ever, asshole. But good list otherwise.
  • From Eric Sweenor: You're most likely right about Joe Strummer being a mediocre musician - but that's probably why he never actually played much guitar, not on stage anyway. When I saw him with the Mescaleros in October 2001, I don't think he played once, but he had the guitar strapped on. If nothing else, he was an incredible frontman. And he wrote a whole pile of killer songs...
  • From Sam: Mitch Mitchell was one of the world's best drummers. Read any drum review you like - ask any drummer (who has skills) you like. Would a muppet who apperantly "couldn't shuffle" as you stated have been offered the seat in the Rock and Roll Circus band of Lennon and Clapton, etc.? Do you have any idea what you are talking about?
    We are talking about the man who was selected to support one of the world’s greatest virtuoso performers and certainly the world's greatest ever guitarist. Do you think Hendrix thought he'd employ a crap drummer when he had the choice of pretty much any drummer he'd like? Are you related to Buddy Miles or something?

  • From Marechal: Bruce Springsteen’s guitar is a Fender Telecaster. And lots of other guitarists use it too (Keith Richards, Andy Summers of Police, Muddy Waters...)
    Jimi Hendrix, a "Great musician stuck in a mediocre band" ? Er... The Experience is more Hendrix's backing group than a real band, I think.
    Coolest facial hair: Lemmy’s muttonchops are quite cool, too (though I don't think you'd like his band, Motörhead, very much).
    Nice site! Really funny!
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "I like pizza. Mama likes pizza. Daddy likes pizza." Steve says: "What's cool about Bruce's Fender is that it's a factory reject, and he rode it to stardom and still plays it thirty years later. Thanks for writing!"

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