Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits
Rating: 0
   Ah, the seventies, when heavy bands (BTO, Kiss, Led Zeppelin) didn't need a good singer to rack up the hits - just a great guitar sound, tight rhythm section, and someone to yell the sexual innuendoes over the catchy riffs.
   Too bad Alice Cooper instead chose a muddy guitar sound, incompetent rhythm section, and dull riffs. It's not a coincidence they were known as the worst band in Los Angeles. And to make matters worse, the singer's voice is just plain ugly. And unlike other ugly singers I enjoy (Bob Dylan, Wreckless Eric), he doesn't exhibit any signs of humor, passion, or emotion that make such a voice enjoyable. Instead, it's just flat, textureless droning.
   I've had this album for years, and I have never been able to listen to both sides in one sitting. I couldn't make it past the third cut this time around. This music is terrible. I can only attribute its popularity to the widespread use of sedative drugs and a fascination with boa constrictors among its audience.


  • From CosmicBen: I know almost nothing about Alice Cooper, but I'd assume that the intro riff to "I'm 18" would save any album from 0 status. Just a thought.
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Bwaa ahgaagah." Steve says: "To be honest, this rating was mostly e-mail bait (I love reader comments), and I see it worked. "I'm Eighteen" is a pretty good song, even if it sounds like it was recorded in a tool shed. That said, I still can't make it through this album, but for consistency's sake, given my rating for Corey Hart, this should be a one. I'll leave it at 0 for now to attract those flames. :) Thanks for writing!"

  • From m.c.: Alice Cooper's Greatest Hits gets a 0? What the fuck?
    You say his voice is ugly. Well maybe so, but he COULD sing when he wanted to (unlike Bob Dylan, who could'nt sing to save his life). And another thing, you say he doesn't exhibit any humor in his singing. About 95% of everything he and the band did had a sense of humor. That review is just wrong.

  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Bwaaura." Steve says: "See, it's working. Thanks for writing!"

  • From Jason A. Martens: What the fuck? I'll kill you, m***********r. What do you know about music, asshole? You call yourself a critic? You wouldn't know good music if it bit you in the balls!!!! Just kidding, of course. However, I am a little perplexed over your rating of A.C., especially after reading the "Mind Behind The Math" section of your site. Of the six musical biases you list, A.C. matches up favorably with at least four of them (#1, 3, 5, 6), and the band was at the very least competent. Your comments about the overall sound of the band are warranted, but the thing to keep in mind is that the A.C. sound was meant to be very raw and garage-band sounding, particularly in the first few years of the band's existence. Live sound, great songwriting about varying themes, and a solid rhythm section (especially drummer Neal Smith, contrary to your opinion) add up to an interesting band which deserved praise during the years represented by this album. Even Girls, Girls, Girls received a 2, for God's sake! Based on a one-line review!! How???????
  • STEVE AND ABE RESPOND: Abe says, "Hiema." Steve says: "Well, I can't really argue with your points. Objectively, you're right. The fact remains, however, that I simply cannot force myself to listen all the way through this album. And one of the pleasures of running a music review web site is creating elaborate cheap jokes, needling overrated critical faves, and riling the populace generally; I appreciate you providing me continued opportunities. Thanks for writing!"

  • From Derek Nicholson: Do you think Rick Derringer is a good guitar player?
  • STEVE AND DENNIS AND ABE RESPOND: Dennis says, "Buh buh buh." Abe says, "Day-O!" Steve says: "I guess so - I enjoy his work on "Weird Al" Yankovic's early albums. I don't think he's part of Alice Cooper, though. Thanks for writing!"

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