Pressure Relief Workbook (pdf)
Budget worksheet (Excel)
Creditors worksheet (Excel)
Summary worksheet (Excel)
Pressure Relief Pamphlet and Forms (pdf)
4th inventory (volodia)
GA step guide (pdf)
stocks (GA pamphlet) 8pgs
Step 1 worksheet (pdf file)
JGI-Issue13-rosenthal.pdf
Step 3 worksheet (pdf file)
NEFE problem_gamblers_finances.pdf
Step 5 worksheet (pdf file)
Step 6 worksheet (pdf file)
creditsourceonline opt-out
Step 8 worksheet (pdf file)
CNN - Instant Budget Maker (website)
Step 10 worksheet (pdf file)
rawavrecorder.exe
Step 12 worksheet (pdf file)
CFCG - Paul Good on stocks
USN&WR stock gambling
CCPG Financial Markets Gambling Questionnaire
CCGNJ Stock Market Gambling

Step 1

“We admitted that we were powerless over gambling - that our lives had become unmanageable."

A "first" of anything is a beginning, and so it is with the steps. The First Step is the beginning of the recovery process. The healing starts here; we can’t go any further until we’ve worked this step.

Some Gamblers Anonymous members “feel” their way through the First Step, by intuition; others choose to work Step One in a more systematic fashion. Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we’re new to recovery, and we’ve just fought – and lost - an exhausting battle with gambling. It may be that we’ve been around awhile, abstinent from gambling, but we’ve discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again, thus beginning the next stage of our never ending journey of recovery.

Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don’t really care what the cause has been – we just want out!

Whatever the case, it’s time to do some step work; to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking. Our hope is to internalize the principles of Step One, to deepen our surrender, to make the principles of acceptance, humility, willingness, honesty and open-mindedness a fundamental part of who we are.

First we must arrive at a point of surrender. There are many different ways to do this. For some of us, the road we travelled getting to the First Step was more than enough to convince us that unconditional surrender was our only option. Others of us start this process even though we’re not entirely convinced that we’re compulsive gamblers or that we’ve really hit a bottom. Only in working the First Step do we truly come to realize that we are addicts, that we have hit bottom, and that we must surrender.

Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent – whatever it takes. If we’re new in GA and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of gambling addiction in our lives, we need to get gamble free. If we’ve not gambled awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behaviour that’s made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behaviour so that our surrender isn’t clouded by continued acting out.

The Disease of Addiction

What makes us addicts is the disease of addiction – not the gambling, not the behaviour, but our disease. There is something within us that makes us unable to control our gambling. This same “something” also makes us prone to obsession and compulsion in other areas of our lives. How can we tell when our disease is active? When we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self-centred routines, endless loops that lead no-where but to physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional decay.

 What does “the disease of addiction” mean to me?

I have some psychological/emotional/spiritual problem that is deep within me, that I do not understand and that drives my behavior even when the results are mostly negative!

 Has my disease been active recently? In what way?

My dis-ease has been active ALL my life. Recently? Gaining 25#! Internet addiction, spending 40-50 hrs per week on and on...

 What is it like when I’m obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.

When I am obsessed with something it is like I can’t get it out of/off my mind. It is number one. It crowds out all other thots. I MUST focus on this one thing. I keep coming back to it no matter how many distractions come up.

 When a thought occurs to me, do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what other ways do I behave compulsively?

Usually I do not consider the consequences. I try to shut off that part of my mind that might find something wrong with my taking this action. I fer sure don’t want to call my sponsor etc. I just want to DO IT and do it now. Or if I absolutely can’t do it right now then I want to keep thinking about how good it will feel when I do do it.

 How does the self-centred part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me?

OMG it ruins my life and the lives of those around me. It is just like (it is) living with an addict, say a heroine addict who will rob, lie, etc whatever it takes to get the needle into his arm ASAP. I could care less about others, the law, even about myself. I am on a mission! Total focus, not to be deterred.

 How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?

Phy – 25#, currently sick, perhaps i walk too much due to my dis-ease.
Mentally – I have this obsessive thinking, ya know?
Spiritually – I don’t want to pray. I don’t want to read the bible. I don’t even want to go to church. I fer sure don’t want to listen to my saintly wife preach to me!!! 
Emotionally – I am not very healthy emotionally. Unbalanced? Out of touch? All that and more.

Our addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways. When we first come to GA, our problem will, of course, be gambling. Later on, we may find out that addiction is wreaking havoc in our lives in any number of ways.

 What is the specific way in which my addiction has been manifesting itself most recently?

I think I am pretty much over beating myself up over my relapse 3 years ago. But, maybe not, maybe this wt gain is directly attributed to MY putting 400k into the market in March 2002!!! Perhaps part of the manifesting is due to my perceived ‘cover up’. My cutely saying that my wife did it when she didn’t. I made the call!!! I need to change my date (again). If I truly understand step one I MUST be honest!

 Have I been obsessed with a person, place, or thing? If so, how has that gotten in the way of my relationships with others? How else have I been affected mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally by this obsession?

I have been obsessed with both recovery and my cheap retirement lifestyle and yes they both have interfered with my relationships. That’s what my having ‘bad holidays’ is all about. My relationships with my family members suck! I know that, they know that, but I still don’t do anything to correct it. It is like those piles of stuff in my bedroom WAITING for me to do something!!!

Denial

Denial is the part of our disease that tells us we don’t have a disease. When we are in denial, we are unable to see the reality of our addiction. We minimize its effect. We blame others, citing the too-high expectations of families, friends, employers. We compare ourselves with other compulsive gamblers whose addiction seems “worse” than our own. We may blame one particular kind of gambling. If we have been abstinent from gambling for some time, we might compare the current manifestation of our addiction with our gambling, rationalizing that nothing we do today could be as bad as that was. One of the easiest ways to tell that we are in denial is when we find ourselves giving plausible but untrue reasons for our behaviour.

 Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behaviour? What have they been?

My Internet usage is ok b/c it is for ‘positive’ uses like recovery, saving money etc (notice I leave out other Internet uses???)

I need to live this frugally b/c I am on a ‘fixed income’ (ha!)

I deserve to have nothing to do and all day to do it b/c I already worked for 36yrs! (give me a break!)

 Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?

Hard question, makes me really think. Maybe the Internet is a good example. It is definitely a compulsion for me and yet I have convinced the family that my being on it for 4hrs each and every morning is ok. It is like my hobby and they should plan for it. Not sure if this is a good answer here. Might have to come back to this one.

 How have I blamed other people for my behaviour?

I think the people I have blamed the most in a very indirect way were my parents and their alcoholism. I have justified many of my addictions/compulsions by saying not only did my parents do these things, but also because they did these things when I was growing up in their house that I was ‘damaged’ and now I need to do these things (or similar) to survive. That is of course a bunch of bs!

 How have I compared my addiction with others’ addiction? Is my addiction “bad enough” if I don’t compare it to anyone else’s?

I think I compare a ton at mtgs. I even have conjured up in my mind my wife’s addiction to religion so that I don’t feel so bad about the crap that I still do even tho I claim to have 13 Y-E-A-R-S of recovery. Yes my addiction(s) are bad enuf right now today, w/o comparison to anyone else, for me to start doing something about them. (r u listening???)

 Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before I got clean? Am I plagued by the idea that I should know better?

I do tend to compare my recovery life with my pre-recovery life. I love to dwell on the fact that I have had neither a drop of alcohol not a puff on a cigarette in 12+ yrs. That makes me feel so good. Back when I was still weighing 150 something that too made me feel very very good about my recovery. And, up until 12/15/00 I was super proud of my GA accomplishment, esp the growth of my 401k. I am not so much plagued by the idea that I should know better, even tho that is true. It is almost the opposite problem expressed by... I am not where I outta be, not where I wanna be, but thank God I am not where I USED to be! (haha) What a sick joke that is. First of all, Maurice told me that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. He meant that as I comforting idea, but I can also interpret that to mean that there is plenty of recovery work to be done yet and I should never get complacent and rest on my laurels that I am further along than 12/12/90 so give me a break!

 Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behaviour under control before it gets out of hand?

Probably, esp with these classes I have been taking huh? Plus all the Interent searching. Like the search that brought me to this website/worksheet. Amazing right? Perhaps I can just work these worksheets and make the whole problem go away??? (w/o depending on my HP?)

 Am I avoiding action because I’m afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I’m worried about what others will think?

I don’t think so. I am avoiding action because I do not like to change!

Hitting Bottom: Despair and Isolation

Our addiction finally brings us to a place where we can no longer deny the nature of our problem. All the lies, all the rationalizations, all the illusions fall away as we stand face-to-face with what our lives have become. We realize we’ve been living without hope. We find we’ve become friendless or so completely disconnected that our relationships are a sham, a parody of love and intimacy. Though it may seem that all is lost when we find ourselves in this state, the truth is that we must pass through this place before we can embark upon our journey of recovery.

 What crisis brought me to recovery?

The last in a series of crises was a hangover on 12/12/90. I can still remember that day. The intense pain of being hung-over. I was not suicidal but if I were to have died that day it would have been ‘ok’ with me b/c it would have ended that God-awful pain. Part of the crisis was having to face my wife that night after work and her saying '‘I think you might be an alcoholic”. Turns out she was right and I did the right thing by going to my first AA mtg that same night.

 What situation led me to formally work Step One?

Hmmm, interesting question. Not even sure I have ever formally worked step one. Not sure. I know for the first months I sat at first step tables at AA. Then when I joined OA, I sat at first step tables in OA for a couple of Y-E-A-R-S. I supposed you could call that formally working step one, not sure. I do think that writing out answers to questions like this helps. I remember doing something similar to this in OA during January 1994 in an OA step workbook. Also I did the same type of thing with another OA sponsor in 1997? using a different 12-step workbook, I think it was Adult Children of Alcoholics. Anyway to answer the question the situation that leads me to do step one is usually the pain of the consequences of my current addiction.

 When did I first recognise my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why?

My addiction? God, I wish I only had one addiction!!! My first addiction was to food and TV. I realized it when I was a kid, probably a teenager, like 14. Hell no I didn’t try to correct it. I loved my food and TV. They were helping me cope with the craziness of my family, why would I try to ‘correct’ it? Plus I was so out of control anyway, I didn’t stand a chance of correcting anything. The only way I corrected my TV addiction was by making a deal with my wife before we got married to try not to own a TV. I was still going to college when we got M’d and the Student Union had a TV so I would go there to watch my favorite sitcoms. Didn’t take too many walks to the S.U. to realize that my favorite sitcoms weren’t worth the walk!. Then the kids started coming and we were too busy for TV. Haven’t had a TV in our house for almost 35 yrs now!!! G-R-E-AT.

Powerlessness

As compulsive gamblers, we react to the word “powerless” in a variety of ways. Some of us recognize that a more accurate description of our situation simply could not exist, and admit our powerlessness with a sense of relief. Others recoil at the word, connecting it with weakness or believing it to indicate some kind of character defect. Understanding powerlessness – and how admitting our own powerlessness is essential to our recovery – will help us get over any negative feelings we may have about the concept.

We are powerless when the driving force in our life is beyond our control. Our addiction certainly qualifies as such an uncontrollable, driving force. We cannot moderate or control our gambling or other compulsive behaviours, even when they are causing us to lose the things that matter most to us. We cannot stop, even when to continue will surely result in irreparable physical damage. We find ourselves doing things that we would never do if it weren't for our addiction, things that make us shudder with shame when we think of them. We may even decide that we don't want to gamble, that we aren't going to gamble, and realize we are simply unable to stop when the opportunity presents itself.

We may have tried to abstain from gambling or other compulsive behaviours - perhaps with some success - for a period of time without a program, only to find that our untreated addiction eventually takes us right back to where we were before. In order to work the first step, we need to prove our own individual powerlessness to ourselves on a deep level.

 Over what, exactly, am I powerless?

Geesh, wouldn’t it be a shorter list to write out what I am NOT powerless over??? Ok, ok, I am powerless over gambling – any form, but especially horses and stocks. I am powerless over alcohol - any–form, but esp. beer and Jack Daniels. I am powerless over nicotine – any form, but especially Marlboro Lights and rum soaked cigars. I am powerless over caffeine – any form, but esp. coffee. I am powerless over pornography – any form, but esp free Internet porn. I am powerless over food – any form, but esp sweets and peanut butter. I am powerless over the Internet – any form, but esp good free stuff like recovery tapes and CGhub. I am powerless over TV – any form (including computers), but esp fuuny or educational stuff. I am powerless over news – any form, but esp business news and gambling news. I am powerless over recovery programs – any form, but esp GA and AA meetings and celebrations. I am powerless over control (MY will) – I just LOVE to control people (including myself), places and things! Anyway, you and I get the idea, rich r is mostly powerless!

 I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focusing on recovery. What were they?

I think the biggest one was lying to my wife, including sneaking around like when she was in the hospital, almost like I was having an affair. Also when I was on the road for business, visiting the racetracks and never telling her. The next biggest thing was NOT working at work. Sometimes I would leave work to go to the track. Other times I would be AT work but I wasn’t working there because I was on the work computer trying to figure out some gambling system. It was a great escape, something I could do in my mind without even having to go someplace else. No one could see it, talk about secretive?

 What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against all my beliefs and values?

Like the question above my lying was completely against all my beliefs and values, especially lying to my brand new wife in 1968/69. Telling her I was going to class and then geting on the subway to go to the track and at night telling her I was going to the library to study and going to the night track. When I was late coming home at the end of the day telling her I had to stay late at the library to study for a test or complete a homework assignment, what a bunch of bs! The other thing I did against my nature was to steal. Not only money but time. I knew I was doing worng, but it seemed like I just could not stop doing that crap.

 How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (for example: Do I become arrogant? Self-centred? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)

My personality really changes when I am in my addiction! I think the biggest change is I become so self-centered and self-absorbed. It is ALL ABOUT ME! I literally do not think about how my actions will affect those around me. If I do not ‘get my fix’ there will be trouble (right here in River City). Anyway I am insensitive to those around me.

 Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?

Absolutely, anyone (boss, wife, kids, friends) whoever stands in the way of MY getting my fix!!! But, the person I manipulate the most is ME! I really have to lie to myself each time I practice one of my addictions because the truth is any one of my addictions is self-destructive!

 Have I tried to quit gambling and found that I couldn't? Have I quit gambling on my own and found that my life was so painful without gambling that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?

I quit the horses once for a year, just to prove to myself that I could do it. Well, I didn’t go to the track and I didn’t bet, but I never stopped THINKING about the horses. And I couldn’t wait until that year was up so I could go again!

 How has my addiction caused me to hurt myself or others?

Myself? My personal growth was ‘stunted’. I probably could have done much better in college if I wasn’t at the track EVERY day . I probably could have done much better at work if my mind wasn’t ‘elsewhere’. I probable would have been a much better husband and father if I wasn’t so pre-occupied. Others? Well obviously my boss, my wife, my kids were affected by my lack of personal growth/responsibility.

Unmanageability

The First Step asks us to admit two things: One; that we are powerless over our addiction; and two, that our lives have become unmanageable. Actually, we would be hard pressed to admit one and not the other. Our unmanageability is the outward evidence of our powerlessness. There are two general types of unmanageability: outward, the kind that can be seen by others; and inner, or personal, unmanageability.

Outward unmanageability is often identified by such things as arrests, job losses, and family problems. Some of our members have been incarcerated. Some have never been able to sustain any kind of relationship for more than a few months. Some of us have been cut off from our families, asked never again to contact them.

Inner or personal unmanageability is often identified by unhealthy or untrue belief systems about ourselves, the world we live in, and the people in our lives. We may believe we're worthless. We may believe that the world revolves around us - not just that it should, but that it does. We may believe that it isn't really our job to take care of ourselves; someone else should do that. We may believe that the responsibilities the average person takes on as a matter of course are just too large a burden for us to bear. We may over or under react to events in our lives. Emotional volatility is often one of the most obvious ways in which we can identify personal unmanageability.

 What does unmanageability mean to me?

Unmanageability to me means I can no longer ‘control’ my life, i.e. I do the stuff I don’t want to do and I don’t do the stuff I want to do!

 Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my addiction? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?

Haven’t been caught (yet) . Yes, I have done stuff but I’d rather NOT go into any details.

 What trouble have I had at work or school because of my addiction?

At school I got F’s in 3 courses which I could have easily passed if I had gone to class and done the homework. At work, I could have at least been promoted to one more level of management if I had never started gambling, probably 2 higher levels. But even if I had never been promoted higher I could have actually done the work I was assigned and had a feeling of self-satisfaction, which I never really got from work. I was always ‘playing games’ at work, just getting by, even after I stopped gambling in 1991.

 What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my addiction?

Well, let’s see, the family is still intact. So, like my work and like my school, I ‘got away’ with it. But, of course, my family is NOT what it could have been, or should have been, if I had refrained from gambling all my life. I have been very distant from my wife and kids for most of the time, even in recovery. I am definitely not proud of this, esp in recovery. I really have no excuse not to be present for them, except I seem to still be very selfish about my time.Every one of my 6 sons seem to exhibit the negative effects of NOT being close to their father!

 What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my addiction?

I have had very few friends. The few that I had were my gambling buddies (George G, Charlie C, Dhafer M). I have many more friends now in recovery. I even have ‘virtual friends’ like you Michelle! When I am practicing my addiction(s), I have very little need for friends!

 Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?

I must admit my addiction is still active and I do insist on having my own way even today (or yesterday anyway). Being selfish and self-absorbed really ruins any relationship(s) I might have, esp with my Higher Power.

 Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?

Hardly ever do I consider the needs of others. How can I think of others (or God) when I spend the whole day, every day, thinking about me myself and I? What effect on others? I’ll give you 3 guesses, the first 2 don’t count!

 Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?

I believe I do (finally) accept responsibility for my life. I know this sounds ‘funny’, but I am not so sure I accept responsibility for my actions. Let me try to explain. When I am overeating, like I have been for the last 2 years, I tend to ‘explain’ it away by saying I am a compulsive overeater in relapse. Like that statement is supposed to explain or make ok my self-destructive behavior. Just typing this out makes me see how utterly stupid that sounds. The next question goes even deeper. I still ‘handle myself’ with kid gloves. Not expecting too much out of myself, less I stress myself out and feel overwhelmed. This namby pamby way of living has really affected my life. It has severely restricted my life. First I can’t drink, then I can’t bet, next I can’t smoke, then I can’t eat what I want, when I want, then I took myself off coffee, now I am looking at restricting my Internet usage because it is excessive and causing problems. I no longer feel like a whole person. I feel like some kind of invalid, who can’t be trusted to act right, i.e. has to be watched constantly and must go to tons of 12-step meetings lest he fall to pieces! Whew. 

 Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?

I didn’t read ahead to this question, but yes I do tend to fall apart when I deviate from ‘THE PLAN’. I beat myself up for not being ‘stronger’. Beating myself up usually leads to MORE self-destructive behavior and pretty soon, we are ‘off to the races’ (it used to be literally off to the track.) Another way of saying this is if I can not trust myself in my life decisions then I must look outside of myself for answers. Alcohol was one of those outside ‘solutions’ to my problems.

 Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?

Nope. I do not treat EVERY challenge that way. Only those challenges that I consider to be important. For example, I have never considered myself to be a good dancer, or socializer for that matter. I end up avoiding dancing and socializing (so I guess those things really DO affect my life). But the challenges that really end up as a PERSONAL insult are the areas where I think I am really really good at. For example I think I am really really good with money and with analyzing things. So when I was introduced to horse race betting and started to lose money, I took it personally. I was determined NOT to let it happen. I was going to do EVERYTHING in my power to prove that I could ‘beat the system’. If there had been zero skill involved in horse betting, like there is no skill in the lottery or slots, then I probably would have never gotten involved gambling compulsively. But because my ego got involved, I was hooked.

 Do I maintain a crisis mentality, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?

I rarely respond with panic. Instead, I usually respond just the opposite. I pretend there is no crisis. Like an ostrich sticking his head in the sand, hoping the '‘stuff'’ goes away.

 Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health or with my children, thinking that things will work out somehow? Describe.

Oh this is me for sure. I ignore almost all signs about everything. “Things will work out somehow” is like my motto.

 When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my addiction? Describe.

Yes, that time when I jumped off the tram in order to catch the subway before it left the station. I hit the pavement and skinned my hand, which started bleeding. I did make the subway just before they closed the doors, but my hand was bleeding pretty bad. I wrapped my hanky around it but pretty soon my hanky was all red and blood was dripping onto the subway floor. I was fairly indifferent to the whole thing. All I could think of was what had happened at the track and how soon could I get back to win my money back! Pretty sick thinking 

 Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.

I can’t remember of ever harming someone physically, but of course I have harmed people. In fact, I can’t think of any person in my life who was not negatively affected by my gambling. My lovely wife has taken most of the crap. I used up ALL the wedding gift money on gambling. Not that my wife really cared about that, she just wanted to be together, it didn’t matter where. But a few months into our marriage, her sister and her boyfriend came to visit us one night. What did I do in this potentially nervous social situation? I excused myself and lied about needing to go to the library. Of course, I went to the track that night! I was late coming home. Man did I get the cold shoulder. I don’t think I had any idea how much that ‘little’ selfish act hurt my brand new wife 

 Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.

One time I came home from the track and my oldest son said something to me. I told him to pack up and leave MY HOUSE! Geesh. Of course I had lost at the track. Of course I had been drinking. Of course no one knew I was at the track. They all assumed I had to stay late at work. And my oldest son had to bear the brunt of my addictions!

 Did I gamble or act out on my addiction to change or suppress my feelings?

Oh sure, almost exactly 3 years ago I was having some negative feelings about my work performance. So, I picked up the phone and made a stock trade. For an instant I felt in control again. Like I didn’t NEED Ford Motor Co. I didn’t need the approval of my boss. I didn’t even need to feel good about how I perform at work. All I needed was to make some money in the stock market. That would be the answer to all my life’s problems! Of course, that was wrong. Of course I felt like a piece of shit minutes after I had made the stock trade. The next day when I told my wife, she was all upset, etc. But I didn’t think of any of that when I was trying to suppress my feelings, did I?

 What was I trying to change or suppress?

I was really really upset with myself for blowing a fairly big bonus at work, just to prove a point.

Reservations

Reservations are places in our program that we have reserved for relapse. They may be built around the idea that we can retain a small measure of control, something like, "Okay, I accept that I can't control my gambling, but I can still go to those places, can't I?" Or we may think we can remain friends with the people we used to gamble with. We may think that certain parts of the program don't apply to us. We may think there's something we just can't face gamble free - a serious illness or financial trouble, for instance, or the death of a loved one - and plan to gamble if it ever happens. We may think that after we've accomplished some goal, made a certain amount of money, or been gamble free for a certain number of years, then we'll be able to control our gaming. Reservations are usually tucked away in the back of our minds, we are not fully conscious of them. It is essential that we expose any reservations we may have and cancel them - right here, right now.

 Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?

I think I have now – finally, but it took my last relapse to convince me. Still, I may very well have ANOTHER relapse in me! 

 Do I think I can still associate with the people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the places where I used to gamble? Do I think it's wise to keep gambling incentive cards or information around just to remind myself or test my recovery? If so, why?

Nope, I don’t. One little tricky association is within my own family. I have 2 sons who are in the financial planning business and another son who is somewhat heavily into stocks. Sometimes I need to leave the room when they are talking about stocks. Sometimes I can just change the subject.

 Is there something I think I can't get through gamble free, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to gamble to survive the hurt?

Perhaps the death of my wife, I am not sure. And, it wouldn’t be so much that I couldn’t ‘get thru’ it as much as I might feel a new freedom with her gone that I can now go ahead and gamble. I know how stupid that would be to my own mental health but it is possible.

 Do I think that with some amount of gamble free time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my gambling?

Nope. I am convinced that I am a compulsive person and my FAVORITE compulsion is gambling. I will NEVER be able to ‘control’ gambling in any shape or form, absolutely!

 What reservations am I still holding on to?

None really. My last relapse really took all the glamour of gambling away from me. I believe I NOW see gambling for what it really is, a deadly activity, for me!

Surrender

There's a huge difference between resignation and surrender. Resignation is what we feel when we've realized we're addicts but haven't yet accepted recovery as the solution to our problem. Many of us have found ourselves at this point long before coming to GA. We may have thought that it was our destiny to be compulsive gamblers, to live and die in our addiction. Surrender, on the other hand, is what happens after we've accepted the First Step as something that is true for us and have accepted that recovery is the solution. We don't want our lives to be the way they have been. We don’t want to keep feeling the way we've been feeling.

 What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender, if anything?

After my last relapse I am no longer afraid of surrender. This last relapse really proved to me that I am powerless.

 What convinces me that I can't gamble successfully anymore?

There is a guy in Detroit GA who says ‘we can’t gambler because we can’t win and we can’t win because we can’t quit’. That pretty much convinces me that I can’t gamble ‘successfully’ anymore.

 Do I accept that I'll never regain control, even after a long period of abstinence?

Yes, I think 9 years and 9 months was a long enough period of abstinence to demonstrate that I could go right back to the lack of control that I had before 1991.

 Can I begin my recovery without a complete surrender?

I can (and did back in 1991), but it is like an incomplete recovery. It is flawed. It is risky. Being hard-headed tho I thot I could ‘get away’ with a half-hearted surrender.

 What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?

I think my life would be far less stressful! I would no longer being running the show. I could be the ‘clay’ and let God be the ‘potter’. Sounds like a good deal to this (basically passive) guy.

 Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?

Maybe that is the difference between this question and the one above. Without complete surrender I believe I get stuck along the way. So the answer to this question is NO, I can’t continue until/unless I give up (MY will).

Spiritual Principles

In the First Step, we will focus on the honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, humility and acceptance. The practice of the principle of honesty from the First Step starts with admitting the truth about our addiction, and continues with the practice of honesty on a daily basis. When we say "I'm a compulsive gambler" in a meeting, it may be the first truly honest thing we've said in a long time. We begin to be able to be honest with ourselves and, consequently, with other people.

 If I've been thinking about gambling or acting out on my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?

I ‘try’ to share my ‘stuff’ with my sponosr, Jim, but I don’t always do it. Sometimes I find someone else to share it with, but usually I just keep stuff inside. It usually takes me a while to actually get honest with myself about what I am thinking about doing before I will share it with another human.

 Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had freedom from active addiction?

I think going to meetings and coming to CGhub really keeps me in touch with my disease. To me that’s the beautiful thing about recovery. If I were to isolate myself from others completely, it would just be a matter of time before I conveniently forget what it’s like to be in active addiction. Then, of course, it wouldn’t be too long before I relapsed.

 Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer need to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?

I am SO grateful that I no longer have to lie and cover up my gambling behavior. Even thots about gambling are pretty much gone for me. I love that freedom! It is so easy now to remember because all I have to do is remember the truth, no more ‘stories’. I am starting to be honest about my recovery too. A few weeks ago I was brave enuf to mention on Cghub that I was having a problem with my food. That took guts on my part. I like to think of myself as being in recovery, and I am in recovery, but I still have so many signs that my recovery needs to go so much further. I guess that’s what working this step one is showing me.

Practicing the principle of open-mindedness found in Step One mostly involves being ready to believe that there might be another way to live and being willing to try that way. It doesn't matter that we can't see every detail of what that way might be, or that it may be totally unlike anything we've heard about before; what matters is that we don't limit ourselves or our thinking. Sometimes we may hear GA members saying things that sound totally crazy to us, things like "surrender to win" or suggestions to pray for someone we resent. We demonstrate open-mindedness when we don't reject these things without having tried them.

 What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor, or the person I heard say it, to explain it to me?

I really can’t think of anything that I have heard in recovery that I have trouble believing so I guess I am fairly open to what I hear at meetings. I know that for years I was ‘closed-minded’ and that didn’t work!

 In what ways am I practicing open-mindedness?

I think I am becoming much more open-minded towards my higher power and the spiritual part of the program. Maybe since I took that class this past semester in Spirituality and Recovery. I think the people at my AA meetings are helping me in that way too. They are mostly spiritual guys who are trying to live their lives according to God’s will.

The principle of willingness contained in the First Step can be practiced in a variety of ways. When we first begin to think about recovery, many of us either don't really believe it’s possible for us or just don’t understand how it will work, but we go ahead with the First Step anyway - and that's our first experience with willingness. Taking any action that will help our recovery shows willingness; going to meetings early and staying late, helping set up meetings, getting other GA members' phone numbers and calling them.

 Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?

I guess not. My sponsor Jim suggested that I do another 4th step inventory. I agreed with him, but I still haven’t done it. I need to get off my ass and act!

 Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?

Yes, I love going to meetings regularly!

 Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?

I am willing to a certain extent, but like I said if it gets rough (like doing a 4th step) I stop being so willing.

The principle of humility, so central to the First Step, is expressed most purely in our surrender. Humility is most easily identified as an acceptance of who we truly are - neither worse nor better than we believed we were when we were gambling, just human.

 Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?

I guess something in between. I know that this addiction started out as a choice for me, but then it took on a life of its own. So I am responsible for it in that I allowed myself to get seduced. But then I became powerless and did stuff that I probably would not have done if I weren’t a CG.

 Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends. In society as a whole? What is that sense?

My biggest sense of importance now is that I can be of some help to other CGs due to my experience with both gambling and recovery.

 How am I practicing the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?

I am willing to take time to answer these questions. To try to take the time to find out who I am right now at this point in my recovery.

To practice the principle of acceptance, we must do more than merely admit that we're compulsive gamblers. When we accept our addiction, we feel a profound inner change that is underscored by a rising sense of hope. We also begin to feel a sense of peace. We come to terms with our addiction, with our recovery, and with the meaning those two realities will come to have in our lives. We don't dread a future of meeting attendance, sponsor contact, and step work; instead, we begin to see recovery as a precious gift, and the work connected with it as no more trouble than the other routines of life.

 Have I made peace with the fact that I'm an addict?

I have definitely made peace with the fact that I am a compulsive gambler (alcoholic, compulsive overeater, etc) but I am not convinced that I realize how MUCH of an addict I am. It goes way beyond substance and activities!

 Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay gamble free?

Well, I guess that remains to be seen. I need to work all 12 steps in order to stay gamble free, now let’s see if I do it!

 How is acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?

If I deny any part of this disease (material, emotional, spiritual) then I am not going to be completely motivated to get the help and do the work that is necessary to overcome this disease.

Moving On

As we get ready to go on to Step Two, we'll probably find ourselves wondering if we've worked Step One well enough. Are we sure it's time to move on? Have we spent as much time as others may have spent on this step? Have we truly gained an understanding of this step? Many of us have found it helpful to write about our understanding of each step as we prepare to move on.

 How do I know its time to move on?

Well, because I’ve answered all the questions (to the best of my ability)?

 What is my understanding of Step One?

I am powerless over a whole bunch of stuff (gambling included) and I need help outside myself to fix my problems.

 How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?

I think each time I go thru step one I go a little deeper, so my prior knowledge and experience helps.

We've come to a place where we see the results of our old ways of life and accept that a new way is called for, but we probably don’t yet see how rich with possibilities the life of recovery is. It may be enough just to have freedom from active addiction right now, but we will soon find that the void we have been filling with gambling or other obsessive and compulsive behaviours begs to be filled. Working the rest of the steps will fill that void. Next on our journey toward recovery is Step Two.

http://www.angelfire.com/mi4/prgmi/StepGuide.pdf

http://www.angelfire.com/mi4/prgmi/stocks.pdf

stocks (GA pamphlet) 16pgs