Kane Heads Kompanion©
Good Gracious Greetings
Come one & come all,
But please when you do,
Allow critical musings to fall,
For Perhaps all of what
follows,
Won’t be universal to taste,
I’m sure there’ll be one or two
truisms
That might cease your leaving with haste,
Ze following Califragilistic
Witterance
Has been designed
With an extremely alleviated
state of receiver
Squarely in mind
To be read in no particular
order
Every once in a while,
Hoping merely to cause a
chuckle, a nod
Perhaps a casual smug smile,
This is all one could humbly
hope to achieve,
No desire to offend,
I hope you’ll believe,
If you like what you read
please let me know,
T’would make me darn happy
Yours truly,
Spo.
Comfortably Considerably kaned?………..
Then we will begin
Best read with a Dice
‘Spite not hoping to win:
1. LOAFERS
take heed:
ALL Remotes tied to the bed
with shoestrings!
Guaranteed reduction of 90%
of bedroom stress!
But I’ve never seen anything to make me believe
that there’s one all powerful force controlling everything ………..
There’s no mystical energy field controlling my
destiny”
could be a socially acceptable way
to go about your day.
Nice.
As
long as they’re nice.
6.
Mari-jo-wana
Makes
me think
That
everywhere should be connected
By
a combination
Of
ski lifts and escalators.
Bet him and Pliars are having loads of
adventures
like sort
of Jamaican
Dellboy and Rodney’s.
Face: “OK, fine……..fancy eating this
burger?”
B.A: (several hours later) “where
am I fool?! How’d I get here?!”
Every
episode, ad infinitum.
9.
If at first you don’t succeed – try, try, again.
Then give
up.
No sense
being a damn fool about it.
10. Hey pretty lady!
I
might not be Fred Flintstone,
But
I bet I can make your Bedrock!
11. With out Marijuana I would of never mused upon
the thought of if we all evolved from monkeys you must have had various monkeys
all co-existing with each other while at various stages of the evolutionary
scale – monkeys, half monkeys and good ol’ Neanderthal man, so where pray tell
have all the half monkeys gone? – so instead of sitting tere just wondering
about it I decided to go and look it up and here is what I discovered:
·
98.4% of our genes are the same as the chimpanzee
·
Chimpanzees can use sign language for terms as abstract as “like” and
“different”.
·
Imagine a human chain where a girl stands with her left hand holding
the right hand of her mother, who in turn is holding the right hand of her
mother with her left and so on and so on. In order for the chain to reach the
chimpanzee it would only need to go on for an astoundingly short 300 miles.
·
It has been recently revealed that female monkeys have affairs with
males from other monkey tribes and keep it a secret from members of her own
group.
So azz you can c, zee
chimpanzee iz perhaps ze half monkey missing link I woz musing aboot. Bet they
have been nipping off and rolling joints for years when the documentary makers
haven’t been looking – swinging in trees, lying in the sun having lots of sex
and eating bananas. Splendid.
12. “Tea” in Chinese is pronounced “TAI” and means Peace.
13. “What did I just say?………Doh!……… I forgot
……..again…..pass the J…”
“A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need
a
man wants every woman to satisfy his one need”.
16. “You’ve been Framed” is at it’s best when it could be “You’ve
actually been seriously hurt but we think that’s funny” – don’t give me fucking
animals, babies and old people I want real pain with an element of surprise!
17. How be the weather over your
green fields my friend? – Ah I don’t be worrying bout the weather, just as long
as my fields are green my friend, just as long as my fields are green…….
In
the
is
the
Couch.
22.Everything
leaves
for the land of odd socks
when you need them most.
23. Bulls cannot distinguish the colour Red.
24.
If it makes you happy,
it really can’t
be that bad.
Well, well,
well………….. Amphetamines helped win the war.
28.
“One thing I never could
stomach about
Santa
Carla
……. All the damn Vampires”
can
be judged
by the quality of the pants
that
you wear.
30.
Things I have genuinely thought to be
true include: thinking that if a nuclear bomb went off all I’d have
to do to avoid death is be near to the coast, run into the sea and simply duck
my head under the water until the blast had finished.
31. Don’t
trust Computers with too much, if you make
them too clever they’ll figure out how stupid the majority of the world is by
taking examples such as the contestants on Family Fortunes (we
asked 100 people to name something Red: “My Red jumper”)
and people on Big Brother (“I
love Blinking I do”) and deciding that they would have little in
the way of intelligent opposition if they wanted to run the Whole
Damn Thing Themselves!!!!
32.
In this age of Genetic giggery
pokery,
one day,
pigs might actually fly.
33.
Creamfields 1998
While meloncollyfloweredupinadubdaze, Mari-Jo would like to know why someone hasn’t invented a device that acts like the P.K.E meter out of Ghostbusters or the Alien motion tracker so that you can find your friends at festivals.
looking for my pen.
35.
Stairs
be it walking
up them,
or falling
down them,
they’re simply too much trouble.
Sort of like really advanced mastery of De-Ja-Vu perhaps.
37. During Ice-cream commercials
they use SMASH instead of the real thing because what with studio lights and numerous
takes…..
–
It doesn’t melt.
….……..….But sand in your pants is worse.
39.
“Machine Gun Jubbliees?!
……How did I miss those Babies?!”
“Penchanski!
You’re a
maverick cop on the edge!
The
drinks turned ya’ into a loose cannon!
It pains
me to do this son,
but I’m
going to have to ask for your badge, even though he was your partner
you’re
just too close to this one
God Damn
It!
42.
Sleep functions on Electrical devices – genius!
43.
I’m so easy going that the only time I really get
vexed is when someone un-ness-sir-celery wakes me up.
44.
Bad Tacky Club Bouncers
-
At the end of the day
console oneself with the knowledge that on the whole, they don’t get paid well
and plus they usually spend the two best nights out of the week standing
outside in the cold and wet trying to convince themselves they are important.
When really they are just older versions of the violent stupid fat kid in
school that had no real friends and was in the bottom class for everything, who
are now in charge of helping you through the doorway to a bar/club you are only
going into because the drinks are cheap or you cannot walk any further.
No, I’m not bitter and yes I
am fucking 18!
45.
Cow grips are one of the most vicious
forms of attack.
46.
Mari-Jo
Made me think about how it
is
That planes fly and ships
float
When they’re big fuck off metal things.
Similar to a French
Kiss,
but given down
under.
48.
Actions speak louder than works –
Click your fingers & point to your mug when it’s not your turn
to make tea.
- better than the Internet I tell you!
52. Of the many embarrassing
things that can happen in life, the realisation that your little man is
billowing in the wind upon greeting the family on Christmas morn is right up
there, as a friend of mine can testify. He was happily obliviously handing out
well wishes and Christmas kisses until his dad had the courage to say “scuse me
son but, erm….well….. your cocks hanging out”
…….
is strange one indeed.
54.
STP – is a hallucinogen
with no official formula that has a very
similar effect to LSD but lasts an awful
lot longer. It was handed out at a
56.
“HOW far are you willing to go
Michael?”
“I’m
leaving the house too quickly!
There must be something I’ve forgotten!”
That’s some fucked up
62.
The success of some nights out can be
determined
By what you find on the floor of clubs.
Club Mix CD Makers!
U can’t all be the best
album ever!
Look, please, when one of you has had an idea leave it at that
- 1 of you -
The rest go play on the motorway.
When I was there in yr 2000,
There where 14,000 Mozambiquan Meticash to
the US dollar.
That’s a lot of notes believe me.
sometimes use bubbles
to make their own fishing nets.
66.
Was, Is and Always Will Be
PRIME
TIME!
That I haven’t actually turned on,
In the first place.
this be no weather to be drinking tea in, how do you do it?
But
as I inform them:
“ahhh……Tea
tasting It's not all rock stars and limousines!”
REALLY late Night T.V
Is when the adverts are replaced by bizarre
public service information broadcasts
Such as
And the
Ladder
Safety Knights of Camelot.
……..But I never once doubted Star Wars – maybe because it seemed to have taken place “in a galaxy far, far away”?
Most repeated yet least adhered to phrase in the English language?
Replace “again” with “for a while” and then it has a ring of truth to it.
Finlay Quaye’s
Maverick a Strike
is a califragalistic way
to start and end your day
73.
All of the clocks in
are stuck on
74. A little Rabbit is
running through the forest when he stumbles upon a Giraffe rolling a
joint. The Rabbit looks at him and says “My friend why do you do this? Come
running with me through the forest and you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better”.
The Giraffe looks at the Rabbit, looks at the joint thinks a moment and
promptly tosses the J away and goes of running with his new found furry friend.
Then they came across an Elephant
doing coke, so the Rabbit once again says “Elephant my friend why do you do
this? Think of your health, Come running with us and rediscover nature as we
dash through the forest, you’ll feel so much better”. The Elephant looks at
the white powdery goodness before him looks at the Rabbit and the Giraffe and
then ponders a second before chucking away his mirror and razor and all and
legs it off into the forest with his new athletically minded chums.
Then the three animals come
across a Lion about to shoot up Heroin – The Rabbit hits him with the
usual spiel “Lion why do you do this? Why not come running with us? You’ll
rediscover the cosmic energy that makes life worth living! You’ll feel so good!
So really, really good” The Lion looks at his needle and then lo the
Rabbit, ponders for a second before putting down the needle and jumping up and
promptly beating the living shit out of the little Rabbit.
The Giraffe and Elephant
look on in shocked horror as the Lion proceeds to kick the seven shades of shit
out of the Rabbit before booting him high over the surrounding tree-line - back
into the forest from whence he came “Lion! Why do you do this? He was merely
trying to help us all?” ask the two stunned animals, The Lion answers:
“That over excitable little
Fucker makes me run around this bloody forest every time he’s off his face on
Ecstasy!”
without its head before it starves to death.
77. South American Indians have
been known to use
Piranha Teeth
As
RAZORS.
They sound like a people U don’t want to mess with.
78. The
religious definition of Heaven
its pretty vague really,
isn’t it?
81.
Bats are not blind.
Ostriches eyes are bigger than their brains.
Tigers skin is stripey
There are more chickens than humans.
Look
at the FACT on that!
82.
Don’t lend tapes,
tape
tapes.
83.
Paper, Scissors, Stone
for
Punishment!
Introduce the game of paper, scissors, stone for punishment to people while bored on long journeys for guaranteed entertainment and is also an interesting way to enable you to hurt your friends without fear of out of game retribution (allegedly).
Basic
Guiding Rules as follows:
· You go on 3, not 1,2,3 and then go – YOU GO ON 3! Alright? ON 3!
· You are permitted to say anything in place of “3” as long as it comes after “1” and “2”. Suggestions include “Banzai!”, “Uteeni!” & “Dive!” as said by Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon as well as “Fight!” like off Mortal Kombat.
· Players must look into their opponent’s eyes when drawing.
·
Those choices:
o Most people tend to go ROCK – it’s hard looking, and it’s easier to do.
o SCISSORS - a more difficult manoeuvre, one for the connoisseurs perhaps and finally
o PAPER – a bit “girly”.
· ARENA: Players wishing to leave the “arena” can only do so after announcing they wish to play their “one and out” card. This prevents gleeful punishment purveyors from dodging any bitter revenge that opponents wish to exact in retribution for particularly “good” performances in a round just played. They are not allowed back into the game until the final match and only under the agreement of all other players.
· “Best of 3” games can be considered for scenarios involving only two people. Adds a bit of tension I find.
· Crowd Participation as far as words of encouragement (“hurt im!”), insults (“gamble it you fuckin pussy!”) and general tomfoolery (“You have the power of Grey Skull!”) are permitted at all times but, please, we ask for silence during matches, discussions as to who is punishing who and most importantly the moments before a punishment is about to be handed out. Spectators might also like to note that it’s always wise to maintain a silence just after a punishment has been despatched in order so that you may determine how genuinely hurt the victim is.
· Keep it friendly! Under NO circumstances are grievances and vengeful thoughts allowed to be taken any further than the arena! Participants know full well what is going down when they step into the arena and if they don’t then it’s their fault for not watching a few games first. This is a game of gentlemen after all. No Grudges after the event. All is fair in Paper, Scissors, Stone.
· Multiple players – everyone must not remove their hand from the arena or change the stance their hand has adopted until a decision upon who is punishing who has been decided.
· Single Punishment Round – if players have chosen this option then the punishment up for grabs must be announced and be made aware before the call of “1”.
· Cheating! in any form results in punishment from all players and 1 observer. Only 1 mind. The punishment…….. is Claw. And only Claw. Oh yes.
·
PUNISHMENT! FIGHT! YOU LOVE IT!
Losers/Victims may choose from the following 3 basic punishments:
1. Chin - 1 quick jab to the jaw – no drawback of fist – try to master pulling off “little brain shakers”. The common choice.
2. 12inch Dead- arm/leg – the loser must remain still, no dodging! The winner and giver of aforementioned Dead-arm may poke and prod the shoulder/top of thigh area of his opponent before proceeding in order to find the place that will cause the maximum amount of pain. The drawback may be no further than 12 inches – if this is breached (a point that must be appealed by the loser to an independent governing body i.e: gleeful observer) a revenge punch will be allowed from any distance (including “having a run-up”). The connoisseur’s choice.
3. Claw – aha! The “Koongibbet” of punishments and chosen by only the foolish, the brave and those that wish to make a standard setting point. Even if you have an aching chin and severely bruised arms this is still a choice that requires some thought – previously banned and much debated – the famous “Claw” is fabled with tales of those on the receiving end suffering extreme headaches, feeling the ghost-like presence of their opponents hand crushing their heads for many hours afterwards - as though they are wearing a tightly fitting hat for a long period of time, being able to see finger print marks in peoples foreheads and even “passing out” after having a “funny turn”. Oh Yes.
The loser must lean forward and present the top of their head at an agreeable angle – winners may place only one hand upon their opponent’s cranium, either at the forefront, top, back or middle – it’s all fair game. Winners are entitled to have a “feel around” for best positioning, hunting for soft areas of the noggin (top tip: get those evil fingertips digging into those temples!). Once observers are happy that they have a good enough view and the winner feels he has his best position in place, the Claw may commence: 3 seconds only! The winner may crush his opponent’s head with all his might using his one chosen hand (use the writing hand obviously).
Obviously the above is the simple basic version explained: there are greater levels one can aspire to and of course variations to the rules of punishment that can be considered. As ultimately the decision as to which punishment is selected lies with the loser/receiver they can be open to suggestion from the winning opponent.
For example
the following have been seen to be used:
1.
Flicking - bit girly but sometimes if performed correctly
with the right amount of venom.
·
To the Nose - go for underneath the bridge!
·
The Ear
- make sure you get a good build up of pressure before the thumb releases and
use the index – go for the lobe!
2.
Pinching – once again you can see where accusations of
“girliness” could be raised, this is still quite a nasty area when you consider
that it can include areas such as “nipple gripple” and “cow-grips” to the back
of the knee. If you do end up having to let a girl join in and she has lost, a
pinch & twist to the arm is a good option to make sure they realise they
are really playing, They’ll soon go back to cooking and cleaning.
3.
Chinese Burns – The “Daddy’s favourite” or simply “The Miagyi”.
Two hands, Grip the wrist, one twist. Much pain.
4.
Poking – in between the collarbone or to explain medically
push hard into the top of the “clavicle” and down into the “sub
clavicle” for 2 sec’s. A jab with one finger to the ribs, under the jaw,
behind the ear expertly performed can also yield results.
5.
Raps – one closed hand brought down hard from an agreed
height over the knuckles of your weasally opponent. Good with a deck of cards
if they are close to hand. Bit difficult to judge without.
6. Slapping – considered more of a comedy value really, but be aware how-ever that there is the element of surprise here due to the speed at which you can spring it upon your victim. Indeed.
·
PPS: Other Things: Ojeni……
· Multiple players – everyone must not remove their hand from the arena or change the stance their hand has adopted until a decision upon who is punishing who has been decided. Punishments can be performed all at the same time (“You claw me while I claw these two”) or in turn clockwise from North (The direction of North, unless he is playing).
· Single Punishment round – if players have chosen this option then the punishment up for grabs must be announced and be made aware before the call of “1”.
· CALL IT! – Before the “1” count tell your opponent what your going to do – playing out the path of evil thought in their mind puts them in quite a conundrum – top tip: never go against your word regardless of how many times you lose, until you play a Single punishment round for “Claw” that is.
· Gambling – right were in a new realm here – basically what this concerns is splitting punishments into two separate levels: the ones that hurt a bit and the ones that actually hurt quite a hellavalot. Once the initial first battle has commenced and a loser and winner have been established the winner can offer the loser a chance to “gamble it” whereby another match is played (solely between those two players) to determine as to whether the loser escapes all punishment (he/she wins the gamble match) or has to suffer the terror of a level 2 punishment (the loser also loses the gamble match). If the loser of the initial first match decides not to gamble they have to take the standard level 1 punishment. Onlookers may encourage and bait the loser to take the gamble as much as possible. Decisions as to whether or not punishments are level 1 or 2 must be decided before battle commences.
· First Time? – What’s that? Your first time? Not sure if it’s going to hurt or not? Playing with experienced opponents? Not sure how far to take things? Piece of advice: ON THE 3 COUNT - UNLEASH HELL! Fellow players will have a lot more respect for you if you go in all guns blazing – don’t pussey out of handing out nasty punishments because you’re worried that “you don’t know the person” that you are dishing it out to – set your stall out early and don’t show any signs of cowardice, people will feed upon it if you do! This is a nasty game and Do-godders do not benefit from Do-gooding in fact not only will they be frowned upon, they will be gleefully punished.
· Hurting? - Can’t take it anymore but still want revenge? THEN FIGHT THE PAIN!!!! Don’t show your weakness if you have one – scream in pain too much or wince like the little girl who has lost her puppy and your opponent will know the darkest of you secrets! Never reveal where it is that “you caint take it no more!”. Oh yes.
· “Yeti” and “Farmer” – special moves ala’ Streetfighter 2 –
A “Yeti” defeats all
other options and can only be used once by one player and never again. Results
in Claws all round unless another player said “Yeti” at the same time (“Yetis”
don’t fight – they split the spoils). Performed by raising the arms and saying “Grrrrrr!!!!”
quite loudly when the “3” count is called.
“Farmer” is the only thing
that defeats a “Yeti”. Results in everyone in surrounding area jointly hurting
the “Yeti” for 5 minutes. Performing Farmer is achieved by simply saying “GET
ORF MY LAND!!!!” while pretending to shake some sort of stick or rake on the
dot of the “3” count. Only here Every player may say “Farmer” only once – the
key being that if everyone’s said it then “Yeti” has no obstacles in his path
of destruction – kind of a farmer “that cried Wolf” too many times. Except he
says “Yeti”. And no-one believes him. And then there is one. But it’s too late.
E-nuff now.
· Basically “Yeti” and “Farmer” – Don’t go there – Just results in lots of stoned/pissed people pretending they’re West Country Land owners, roaring and growling at each other until it all descends into mindless violence ending in a “mass bundle”. Messy, un-coordinated and not really in the spirit of the game. Leave it.
· GAME OVER MAN!!! – Unless a pre-determined match limit has been set the game ends when only two players are left and one uses their “one and out” or when the whole thing is “getting a bit out of hand” and observers suggest that “enuff is enuff now” followed by “come on, behave”(usually girls or disapproving old folk). That or someone passes-out/dies.
“I am
Godzilla!”
“You are
88.
The best people are always late. They just turn up exactly
when fate meant for it to happen
90.
The Unicorn
was really a whale called the Narwhal.
Long
before the Narwhal itself was widely known about,
it’s
tusks where sold in
Many
people believed them to be from the head of a Unicorn.
The
fact that people where able to buy these tusks
gave
substance to the myth
meaning many people
believed in Unicorns for
years.
“Nicholson, Newman recalled
would come straight from the set to Evan’s house, stay high all night and then
go straight back to Warner Bros the following morning – (This is after three of them had hired hookers and stayed up all
night doing drugs)
“Nothing is as funny as seeing Jack do lines,
Watching
him put the bill or straw up to his nose and snort
always
reminds me of the scene in
the
Shining
where
he breaks through the door and says
“Here’s Johnny!”
Due to a deal linked to a % of the films receipts,
Jack Nicholson ended up being paid $60 million for appearing in Batman. $10
million more than the entire movie actually cost to make. He was off his face
the whole time.
Is
that you can always pick it up
At where you left it to go out.
96.
A snail can
apparently sleep for 3 years
– that’s some serious loafing.
My cat really likes toothpaste –
I’m not sure if it’s good for her
But at the end of the day
She’s very
insistent.
What’s that?
A
NUCLEAR BUNNY!
Then God Help us all!
99.
People in Boy Bands have a lot of money
But surely no self-respect.
Life changing experience.
Not to be repeated,
Always to be remembered.
101.
I always hate watching the
first five minutes of a film
and then instantaneously
knowing what was going to happen and when.
103.
RacecaR and KayaK
Same right to left
As left to right.
Got anymore for me?
Apart from Bob.
104.
Buses are definitely NOT the way
forward.
105.
If you only own 1
piece of each member of the cutlery world, you drastically reduce the amount of
washing up you have to do.
If you feel that one-day you
may want to entertain guests, why not lock away spare cutlery and give only
close friends the key?
"You're
basically killing each other
To
see who's got the better imaginary friend”
Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion)
Anyways, might be true –
next time you are in a cave…….with a duck….check it out.
108.
Straight to video Sci-Fi
Action Adventure
Is
about as far away from a guarantee of good quality as you can get.
Definition of how the story of Father Christmas came to be:
Then:
Old shoemaker named Nick acquires free
sainthood from towns-folk of
Now:
Fat bloke in a Garish red jumper suit, driving around a flying sleigh pulled
by magic talking reindeer, carrying a never ending bag of commercial products,
reportedly created by midgets working all year round in freezing conditions,
which you will receive providing you have adhered to the laws of society and
have a large decorative tree in your front room.
It’s the greatest example of Chinese
whispers ever
111.
Remember, if you’re a
French midget
Every meal is a petit
dejuner!
112.
Cheese is better
than Chocolate.
113.
Kylie Minouge - - in the cake factory
– wearing a chefs hat
and not much else
My
kinda cluedo
114.
On
Partly because allegedly
this is the worst mass SHARK ATTACK on record!
115. Steam – subtle but dangerous,
watch ‘Im,
he’s a wily one.
116.
A Hare
can run much faster than a Fox but when he notices a Fox
approaching, he doesn’t run away, he merely stands up on his hind legs.
Once
the Fox notices the Hare standing upright he knows that he’s been
seen and so does not bother to give chase.
This thereby saves both animals the trouble of legging it round a field for ages.
117.
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
and the computer will ask,
'Specify type of goat.'"
--Jason Alexander (George Castanza from Seinfeld)
118.
Remember that Remembering
is a worthy ability to excel at,
As not
being able to Remember
Will make
you Remember
How
useful Remembering really is,
So Remember
what I said at the beginning?
Remember so as
not to forget.
119.
“BORT!”
“Are you talking to me?”
“No, my son is also named Bort”
It’s the little things that make
the Simpson’s the reason T.V was invented.
120.
The Sixties
seemed pretty
trippy,
The
Seventies pretty funky,
The Eighties……..Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of
God!
What exactly was
going on with almost everything in the Eighties!?!
Everything seems
so damn wrong when you look back at it
From music to
films, haircuts to T.V,
wrong, wrong, wrong, WRONG!
121.
Ken Dodd’s Dog Died
–
Did
He?
–
No,
Doddy
122.
TOP FATHER RELATED INJURY!
My Dad was driving home
through Laverstoke and noticed a car coming towards him on his side of the
road. He decided that they would figure it out and move over, so he carried on.
Unfortunately that’s what they where thinking as well, because they where
German. So they smashed right into each other and Dad broke his leg. To make
matters worse it was in a cast and his toes poked out the end and our cat, who
was only an inquisitive kitten at the time, couldn’t understand that they
weren’t separate individual creatures and where in fact actually attached to
the rest of his leg. Therefore in Chloe’s eyes they where open game. All my dad
could do for 2 ½ months was frantically wave his crutches around lying on the
couch screaming “Glenda! The sodding cats after my bloody toes again!” He said
that when the cat casually strolled into the room it would strike the fear of
God into him.
123.
Umpa Lumpas are very sinister.
124.
Penalties – will we EVER learn?
125.
Mari-Jo made
me think that maybe Anteaters are extinct,
As you just don’t
seem to hear about them anymore.
But then, I
suppose, when we did we ever?
126.
As far as we know, the 3 hottest years in
existence have been recorded between the years 1990–2000. Scientists think that
this might be some sort of cycle that has always occurred but it’s just that
our weather reading records haven’t been operating long enough – methinks they
might be trying to make best of a bad pollution and money orientated situation.
Do you think these people would actually tell us if a huge meteorite was about
to hit the Earth? Then again would you want to know……..
127.
Be slippers not comfy they not be slippers.
128.
Stop! Do
Not Pee in de Sea! – The 1 inch long Candiru is
the only vertebrate known to be an internal parasite of humans. When you answer
the call of nature while bobbing in the waters of the world, this nasty little
fella swims up your urinary tract and once in there can’t be removed
without resorting to surgery. This is because of the erectile
spines on it’s head
and gill covers that mean you can’t remove it without taking what it’s
attached to along with it (perhaps an analogy would be trying to pull a fir
tree backwards through a basketball hoop…erm maybe) To make matters even worse
these spines pierce the hosts skin and drink the blood of their victim’s… ahem!…..little
fella.
Anyways point being, that is some very nasty shit so
do not pee in de sea.
129.
“It’s how you enjoy it, not how much you have”. Not really completely sure what that
means……….. but I’m confident that , with a little thought, you can probably
apply it to something.
Like
money and sex.
Or
Ginsters pies even.
130.
Mari-Jo made me think that if birds are
talking to each other when they are tweeting and twerping away,
why don’t they
just fly to the branch of the bird they want to talk to, instead of shouting
across fields all day?
131.
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson (LEDGE)
132.
Virgin Birth? Joseph you’re the most gullible
man alive! It was Judas! He was hiding in the cupboard and nipping out for some
love bumping every time you went down the market.
Virgin birth indeed……
133.
The sentence
"The quick
brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every
letter in the English language.
134.
Things
I have honestly thought in the past include thinking that the Count on Sesame
Street just had that name because he happened to be Dracula, I never
realised until much later on that it was also because he Counts
as well.
Y’see what they’ve done
there?!
135.
If a schizophrenic locks himself in a room
is it a hostage
situation?
136.
Paul
McCartney on drugs = Sgt.Peppers Lonely Hearts Club
Paul McCartney off drugs = The Frog Song
You’d think that’d
be the other way around really wouldn’t you?
But perhaps a little bit of senses alleviation does
indeed,
Inspire
Creativity.
137.
Some people can stay longer
in hour
than others can in a week.
138.
During
the days of Big Breakfasts hey day
::::
Denise
VanOuten and Melanie Sykes
=
Justifiable
Morning Glory in a court of law.
139.
Around 24 Chinese people allegedly die each year from cracking heads
due to mistimed bowing.
140.
Hippotamus is a fantastic word…….
……..……..But Lackadaisical
is even better.
141.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
142.
Acrobatic Humpback whales
have been known to leap almost completely clear of the water 70 to 80 times
in succession. This is a phenomenal achievement considering the average
Humpback whale weighs the same as 400 people.
143.
Mari-Jo made me think that someone should
invent Tab-hat,
head gear that
has little holders on the side for your cylindrical smoking utensils for during
the summer time when putting things in your pockets is dangerous due to the
ironically unpredictable holding nature of too short shorts pockets.
144.
Old
people and women cause all known car accidents but just
don’t happen to be involved in the actual collision – not a recorded fact but
something everybody knows.
145.
“Penchanski!
Do you
have some sort of Death Wish?
Going in
without back-up?!!
When
they’re Ex- CIA/Merc/Militia
with
links to the Mafia, Yakuza
and the
K, G goddamn Fucking B!!!!
AND they
where in
“Some
of us still are captain……
…….some of us still are”
146.
“Don’t
pick a prickly pear with the paw,
If
you’re going to pick a prickly pear
Use
the Claw”
147.
Examples
of karma at its cruellest
include
three words
that
for those that know
need
no further explanation:
DAD
AT BRUNELS!
148.
An important priority in life is the reduction of
the amount of time required between getting out of bed and leaving for work in
the morning.
149.
If I ever have a daughter I’m going
to call her Tea’ (Tay-ah)
so that if people take the piss she
can say “yes please”.
150.
The Swan “5 to go” reminder
– hey, remember, they care.
151.
MY MY Music
Hits me, so hard,
Makes me say,
OH! MY LORD!
Thank
you!
For
blessing me
With a mind to rhyme and two fine
feet,
(or as I keep singing = with the power to dance and
two black feet!)
Caint
Touch DIS!
I’m
moving, too fast!
And
this is a beat up
U
Caint Touch!
U
Know U Caint, U Caint Touch Dis!
STOP! HAMMER TIME!
152.
First Night in the Big
Brother house
and Simon has made a communal soup for his new housemates – little do they know
he has spiked it with LSD……………later on paranoid delusions that they are
being watched and that everyone is against them begin to take a more than usual
grip.
153.
The script for Die Hard 3 was originally set on a boat but when Steven “Cheese board for a
head” Segal’s Under Siege came out they had to abandon it due to the similarity
of story. Instead they bought the script for Lethal Weapon 4 and simply changed the names and a few characters along
with a couple of minor plot details. Same thing with “Beverley
Hills Cop3” which was originally
going to be set in London with Axel Foley working alongside Scotland Yard
Detectives trying to track an escaped crim who had been extradited from New
York. This one was due to go into production but then Ridley Scott’s “Black
Rain” came out with Michael
Douglas and Andy Garcia about Fish-outta-water-maverick-cop in Japan
and they had to cancel Cop3. It eventually came out in 1994 with a new tacked
on Theme park scenario and was predictably - shite.
I know loads of useless stuff like this – I don’t know
why my brain retains it all.
154.
If you want to win an
argument make sure you talk louder and longer than any other person, making
sure you never let anyone else get a word in edgeways, whilst always
maintaining you are right, even when you are blatantly wrong and you bloody
well know it!
155.
Ready Roll Ready 4 when you
need it most….
156.
Take
the titles of James Bond films and replace vital
words with “potato” while alleviated from your
senses:
· The Spy Who Loved Potato’s
· The Man with the Golden Potato
·
Live and Let Potato
· Diamonds are Potato’s
· On Her Majesty’s Secret Potato
·
Moon Potato – etc.etc. you get the idea, just try it when you ‘re drunk
157.
How often is the following
uttered to weary all night garage attendants at around
“20 B&H, King size Rizla, Ribena, Porn and
some Bongella please”
158.
Pandas eat for 60% of their
existence.
159.
Would Zoë Ball please now
leave the building! We
are all really, really sorry for what ever it was we all did to deserve you –
We will never do it again,
We solemnly promise. Just Fuck Off.
160.
TOP FATHER RELATED INJURY
AGAIN!
My dad went down a water slide in
161.
“To think you know something
rather than know is not to know at all, Young Sky
162.
When you’ve
finished take 80% out of what you’ve done and start over.
Do this 5 times in
order to achieve perfection.
163.
Marijuana made me
think that riots would be far
easier to control if instead of tear gas and rubber bullets they used cannabis
fumes instead. The angry mob would suddenly calm down quite a lot, forget why
they where there in the first place and giggle uncontrollably while trying to
catch squirrels.
164.
OJENI (pronounced OO-Gen)– is Chechewa for “thingymajig”
and the greatest word ever.
165.
Susan
Kennedy off Neighbours – Yummy Mummy!
166.
Monosodium
Glutamate
Is the reason that once you
POP!
You cain’t stop.
167.
Mugs make the best presents –
People always
use them
And they
always have a favourite.
168.
Security at jails
in
169.
Minimum amount of effort
For the
Maximum amount of return
- Dr. Loafensteins motto for success.
170.
Bring
Back
Movie
Drive In’s
(but build a roof – we do live in a country with the crappiest most
temperamental weather known to the living world)
171.
Tigers only
attack from behind so the natives in the areas where they live, when out wood
cutting etc., wear painted masks on the back of their heads to confuse the
cheeky hungry stripey so and so’s.
172.
Part of
life is about acquiring as many memories as possible.
173.
Keep
clean mugs to hand in case of tea
emergency.
174.
The content of Wonderbras reminds me of the Millennium Dome:
extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all
in there worth seeing.
175.
Mari-Jo made me
think about ducks wearing
little metal mind control hats linked to personal remote controls that allow us
to determine their direction like Model boats at the fair. That’s not a good thing for the pro-legalisation body
to hear is it?
176.
TOP FATHER RELATED INJURY AGAIN!
Whilst on holiday in
177.
If
it where possible
to
compress the
entirety of all time since the existence of Dinosaurs into one
day,
the Dinosaurs would appear at 0.00am and die out at around 5.00pm, while by comparison humans would exist
for
less than a minute just before midnight the
same evening.
178.
"I read somewhere that 77
per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty……
Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per
cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
--Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
179.
If they don’t want people to take so
many drugs in clubs maybe they should stop charging the
earth for
alcohol then?
180.
Marijuana has made me burn too many
pizzas!
181.
Things I have honestly
thought in the past include
thinking that midgets just had
a really poor diet
and just needed to get a
bit more exercise.
182.
From
OJ to the killing of JFK
Seems
if you’ve enough money
Seems you can get away with
an awful lot.
183.
Don’t Lick Stamps! – apparently cockroaches love the glue and lay their eggs on it in factories
where it is produced. Nasty.
184.
What
does E.T stand
for?
Because he can’t bend his
knees.
185.
TOP FATHER RELATED INJURY AGAIN!
My dad ripped the tendons in the back of his
leg whilst playing football and an infection got in there and attacked all the
muscle in the back of his leg. So as to recover he had to keep his leg elevated
for most of the time with his foot being above his waist for three months as
though he was about to let rip. My dad
now runs marathons – he know nothing! He so Loco!
186.
Mari-jo
made me wonder about whether Would a breathable atmosphere
on the moon would mean that you’d have gravity as well? If not, that would be
extraordinarily califragalsitically floatingly chilled.
187.
Etch-A-Sketch:
Trying to draw a smile on a
woman's face
by twiddling both of her
nipples simultaneously.
188.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark
room, it will eventually turn white.
What’s the betting that Northy could wrangle that as
his new field of research?
189.
Stupid
things I have honestly thought include that the sun and the moon are one and the
same and that they act just like a light switch under the control of the
Government.
190.
Tom’s
Diner by
Suzanne Vega is a listening to while
“Stoners
stroll about on a fuzzy afternoon” type of tune.
191.
The home of
who was holding that
camera?
192.
You
know it’s going to be one of those
“God’s bored so he’s pissing me off instead of running
the world” days
when
the rizlas don’t stick.
193.
Red shaking hands with the Andy Dufrain at the
end of the Shawshank Redemption seals one of the greatest Motion
Pictures ever.
194.
“Right
then! If I can’t be Koopa Troopa then I’m not Fucking playing,
and if
I’m not Fucking playing,
no
Fuckers playing,
coz it’s
my Fucking Nintendo,
so
Fucking have it!”
– Cocaine and Mario-Kart do not mix.
195.
No word in the English
language rhymes with month,
orange, silver or purple.
196.
Lou
Carpenter is
197.
Teddy bears picnic: Polar
Bears, usually solitary animals, converge en-mass along the shores of
198.
Always
leave the Golden rip-off bit on your tabs so that at 3am
in the morning in a room containing 10 different packets of B&H, you
will know which one is yours.
199.
Yawning
is very contagious.
For spinners and pullers alike
it’s an
interesting way to find out if someone’s looking at you as well!
200.
Establishment
of the ability to get pints on tab confirms local status.
201.
Whilst working in the
202.
The whole of existence is the
dream of one side of your brain while what you deem as dreams is the waking
reality for the other side and they swap when you go to sleep. Or maybe not.
203.
The
names of the continents all end with the same letter with which they start.
204.
Tom Selleck turned down the
role of Indiana Jones.
Thank fuck for that!
205.
On the 7th day God created Marijuana –
On the 8th day he created The
Duck Billed Platypus –
On the 9th day he thought it best - to
have a rest.
They have a ducks head, an otters body, and a
beavers tail. They use electromagnetic frequencies to enable them to see under
the water, have poison emitting hooks in their hind legs and on top of all that
they lay eggs. They’re fucking nutty creatures.
206.
“Moderation is the key young
Skywalker” is something Obi-wan also
should of said.
207.
“Le Seinge estee dans le arbre”
208.
Living
in the South East can be to money what the Bermuda Triangle is to Fighter
Pilots: (“one minute the £20 Note was there, the next it had vanished into
thin air completely”)
209.
Ze
smallest Minkey …
…..in
ze world
is the
Pygmy-Mouse-Lemur from
210.
Mariokart on the GBA is the second coming of Christ in video
game form.
211.
“all Budgies are called Joey,
Simon”
212.
“To the
extreme, I rock a mic like a vandool,
light up
de place n’ wax a chump like a candool”
Vanillas moment of calling.
213.
Celebrity Squares
would
be a lot more entertaining if death was involved somehow.
214.
Come on I’m
bored…….say, lets all go out and hunt and kill Les Dennis? Get medieval on that
weasally faced natty little fuckwit – He fucking robbed my childhood Saturady
afternoon TV happy hour with that bastard Abbot! At least Abbot had the decency
to feck off with all the money – but Dennis! He wants more blood!
215.
Absence is to love what wind is to fire – it extinguishes the
small and kindles the great – wise words form a little
216.
“Throw me a Fricken bone hear why don’t ya?”
217.
Men accept that extracting the Michael about each
other’s mothers will always be held in quite high regard.
For example:
“Your mother is so fat that when I saw her change
seats on the bus the other day it was like witnessing Continental drift up
close and personal” or
“How’s your mum?”
“Not bad”
“Oh really, I thought she was fucking brilliant
myself”
218.
Never
being the third light from the same flame maker is a worthy superstition due to
the fact that it originated from WWI with regard to snipers shooting folk in
the trenches using “Ready, Aim, Fire” – fair enough doesn’t realistically happen
in the street or down the pub but it’s got more weight than opening a packet of
crisps upside down hasn’t it?
219.
How
much
does
Agent
Scully
have
to see exactly?
220.
What’s that Stoat up to?!
Stoats jump up and down and chase their tails like they’re dancing so
as to attract the attention of their prey and then once they have their
confused attention they catch them off guard strike! Genius!
221.
As my name is Irish, my
mothers Welsh and my fathers English – if I marry a Scots lass and have a kid
it’ll be the ultimate British Isles child and entitled to play for any one of
the UK footballing nations. But when
222.
Going
For a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention
of buying food, you're just going to the gentlemen’s arena. If challenged by a
pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food
afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
223.
James gorgeous ex Jo says
“The bare Necessities
is all you need be it in moral or song”
James you a fool!
224.
Mari-Jo made me wish for a food/building tray with a beanbag base so
it fits perfectly on your lap – no need to imagine one coz I’ve already got one
and it’s Genius!
225.
If
your hair sticks up uncontrollably in the morning you have Bed Heed and
it is an excuse not to do things.
226.
TRUE
STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
James Brown was a member
of President Reagan’s drug task force up until the point he invaded the
building next door to his office demanding to know who had use his personnel
executive bathroom while being fully armed to the teeth with various automatic
weapons. He then followed this by leading police on a six hour car chase that
only ended when his tyres where eventually shot out. The whole time he was off
his face on Angel Dust.
227.
Oasis are in danger of turning into the new Status Quo. Should this ever
happen they must be put down before they can create a reign of terror similar
to that created by the evil Quo and their three chord tyranny that has been
bothering people for far too long. Bit harsh, but if ever there were a more
deserving band to be falsely accused of stealing whilst stopping over in an
Arab state, it would have to be them.
228.
“Hey
pretty lady!
Come
upstairs and see my Ewok village!”
229.
Razzle – It does exactly what it says
on the tin.
230.
Mari-
Jo made me think that reflective kettles are like
your own personal hall of mirrors, with a bit of practice you can make it look
as though you have giant hands attached to expanding arms – just like Keith
Richards off the fantastic four (The Marvel superhero not the bloke out of the
Rolling Stones). (Discovered during point
67)
231.
A cake isn’t a cake until it’s baked for the
predetermined amount of time and taken out of the oven. Anything else is just a
big mess of meaningless ingredients that have no shape or form and therefore
cannot be called a cake or treated as such.
232.
My Great Uncle
Jackie was in the Jungles of Burma during the second world war and he told my
dad about how they had to conserve ammunition as they never knew when they
would get new supplies. He said this was a problem, not because of the
Japanese, but because of the “BLOODY MONKEYS” throwing stuff like coconuts ft
them from the trees above and he could never resist shooting the little bastards
after a while.
233.
The most dangerous mating process – The female marsupial mouse lives
for 3 to 4 years, the males only around 11 months, why? Well leading up to the
2 week breeding season, the male marsupial mouse’s testicles swell to ¼ of
their overall body weight and this releases an inordinate amount of male
testosterone into their blood stream. While this serves to give them an
enormous amount of sexual appetite it also drives them insane. The entire male
population goes on a sex-crazed rampage shagging anything mouse like and
female. At the end of it all there hardly any of the randy little buggers left
This is because:
·
Arguments over the right to mate get pretty fierce and a fight to the
death is often the result.
·
Heart attacks account for quite a few what with all that stress and
worry that comes with feeling that if you aren’t shagging you are going to
explode.
·
The extra testosterone renders their immune system too weak to fight
disease and illness.
·
Lack of sleep and starvation: too preoccupied having sex to think about
food and rest it’s all shag, shag, shag, and shag.
·
By the end of it all the entire male marsupial mouse population is dead
– they literally shag themselves out of existence. Fantastic work.
234.
(ref:Clerks) In Return of the Jedi the Death Star was
still under construction when it was blown up – Stromtroopers don’t know how to
fit a U-bend or create an electrical switchboard - so think about all those
innocent independent contractors and tradesmen just trying to feed their
families that would have been caught in the blast – Rebel Scum.
235.
Life is one long process of getting tired.
236.
Christmas
tree’s – strange idea, but strangely comforting.
237.
Mari-Jo made me
withdraw £30 from a cash machine and walk off without remembering to take the
money.
238.
Why is it that when you work for a living
239.
Coca-Cola are responsible
for Father Christmas’s appearance - in 1895 they used him in an advertising
campaign displaying him in their red and white colours and that’s the way he’s
looked ever since.
240.
If you want folk to call on you past the witching hour and avoid waking
other members of the house – simply tie a numerous dressing gown cords
together, attach to your arm and dangle out of the window as you sleep. Turning
you into a sort of human doorbell I suppose.
241.
Time always slows down when you
are waiting for public transport
yet
speeds up when you’re late for it.
242.
“You
where only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”
243.
I passed my driving test about 3 years ago
yet still I
cannot park properly.
244.
I used to wish that
cigarettes and rizlas could be delivered like newspapers. Bit helpfully obvious
for the police though really……….
245.
While at verk,
246.
Lions
sleep/doze for 20 hours a day.
247.
Playing Goldeneye for long periods caused me trance like states.
248.
A world without dressing gowns
would be a loafer’s hell.
249.
Another top injury my dad
has endured is accidentally being smashed in the face with a squash racquet so
hard you could see the string pattern.
250.
When
Tetris
speeds up,
so does time.
251.
In cold temperatures, don’t
put your coat zip in your mouth (right Kirsty?)
252.
Mari-Jo made me think about
how nice it would be if a big tornado swept across the nation created by the
swirling smoke emitted from huge burning fields of cannabis. The government
would have to declare a state of relaxation.
253.
Alf Stewarts Vietnam flashback – T.V GOLD!
254.
Golden Rule of later life when you start to do
all that everyday-existing-on-the-planet-shit: NOTHING WORKS!!!! – sorry to disappoint ya, but I can’t stress this
enough – from the girl at the phone company to the guy at the Gas board, the
insurance clerk, to the Cable company call assistant, the pizza place plumb
that fucks up your order, to the bank teller filing your wage slip – NOTHING WORKS!!!! No-one calls you back, nothing happens as you
instruct it, or when you instruct it to, money is always going astray, you will
always be on hold and you will always be fined for things you didn’t do - Be
prepared to get very pissed off about these things – especially when you’ve
given up marijuana – you’ll say that these things will never be your concern,
that they will never get you down, that you’ll never be a full time member of
the rat race – believe me when I say , good luck to ya – but at the end of the
day unless you live somewhere far away from here it will happen – WHY? Bcoz the
people responsible for making the monkey work happen are just like YOU! Either as
you are, or as you were - there are thousands of lowpaid stoners out there
right now, twiddling away on keyboards, fucking everything up, forgetting
everything important and waiting to get the feck outta there and go score, get
high, play video games, eat munchies pizza and talk about nothing in particular
for hours upon end – these are the people who secretly control everything and
do not even know it Bcoz they are too stoned to realise
–
Call-Centre-Admin-Stoner-Monkeys
Control Your Life!
255.
Carrie Fisher was off her head on Charlie
during the making of Star Wars. Check all those spiky
agitated irritable moments such as
“Get
this walking Carpet out of my way!”
“Into the garbage disposal unit flyboy!”
“Ah
Admiral Targ, I recognised your fowl stench when they brought me abroad”
all said with a touch too
much confident venom.
256.
New Years Eve always
succeeds in giving you that nagging feeling that you are supposed to be
somewhere else.
257.
If I ever did meet Kylie Minouge I’m afraid I’d probably be reduced to
barking like a mad dog chasing her about on all fours, as people look alarmed
and say things like “watch out! He’s a biter!”.
258.
Mosquito’s are the most pointless and
frustrating animals on Earth – They are also the most dangerous - killing hundreds of millions of people over
the years. No joke – If I could have one wish it’d be to wipe out the whole
bloody lot of them – I’m not partial – ………….actually what am I talking
aboot…..if I could have one wish it’d be Kylie in the Cake Factory.
259.
Pineapple on
Pizza is very, very wrong.
260.
A
Picasso Arse:
A woman whose knickers are too small for her,
so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
261.
Women and whipped cream go together…..
……..So do anti-biotics and
alcohol
262.
Marijuana Makes Me Make Mishtakes.
263.
Jesus was obviously
a great leader of the people, but when it came to the economy he didn’t have a
clue. I mean giving away 5000 pieces of fish and bread would have seriously
damaged the profits of local market traders and fisherman and so forth their
ability to provide for their families and relatives. For Gods Sake.
264.
You can live on Cheese Toasties. James and I did at
Uni – £4.75 spent in Tesco’s will get you all you need.
265.
“I
love it when a plan comes together”
266.
During
the 16th century, the emperor of the Yunnan province of China liked
a certain type of tea so much that he had specially trained monkeys to pick the
leaves for him as his servants couldn’t reach the unusually to the top of the
unusually high tea bushes to get the tips needed for his favourite brew. That’s
what I like to see Dedication to the cup!
267.
You
shouldn’t know any actual drug Dealers as such, just perhaps good friends who
know how to procure items of a desirable nature at a reasonable handling
charge.
268.
Monkey
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in,
you go:
"Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa!
Aa!".
269.
“PENCHANSKI! You’re
ex-wife’s on the phone! She says she still loves you but she just can’t take
being 2nd to your first love – your job – and she hates hearing the phone ring
b-coz she always thinks its gonna be me telling her some two bit punk is
responsible for you not coming home – ever! Capeche?!”
“I’ll
call her back Sarge……
……. I
gotta go get a bagel”
270.
Feeling like you want to hurl? Not sure?
Perhaps a tactical chin loss is in order – it’s for the best.
271.
A 200km stretch of
coastline between
272.
“One thing I do not feel the need for is AIR in
the conversation”
DAPPER
dAN
273.
I feel Bank Holidays are now
as good as Christmas.
274.
And
then one day the keepers at the safari park couldn’t find the monkeys; they
searched high and low and upon the discovery of a large hole on the
“My
god!” exclaimed the warden,
“They’ve
been planning their escape all along!”
“WHY I
OUGHTA!”
275.
Don’t dunk that biscuit too long or you’ll ruin your cuppa.
276.
Ross
Ribagliati not only entered the Nagano Olympic Snow Boarding Competition after
being recently stoned on cannabis, he bloody went and won it! Surely he
deserved two medals instead of just the one they tried to take away?
277.
The Trip scene in the graveyard in Easy Rider looks strange not because
of any special technique or style but simply because water got in the camera
lens and everyone making the film was too fucked up to notice. In order to get
Peter Fonda more emotionally involved, Dennis Hopper gave him a lot of acid and
got him to talk about his mothers suicide – really messed up I trust you agree.
278.
During
C.D.T lessons at school the easiest option was to make a door stop, this also
turned out to be the most useful thing I ever made in said class.
279.
Apocalypse
Now
–
if only more works of art
featured
Guns, drugs and
helicopters.
280.
Hey
Baby R U checking out my Gravel Pit?!?!
or
ave’ U got some’et in ure eye?
281.
“HEY Homer! I can see your doodle!”
–
“Shut up
282.
The Spy Who Loved Me is the definitive Bond film.
Even if it doesn’t star the definitive Bond.
283.
“Beer
Compass”:
This is the invisible device that ensures your safe arrival
home after a heavy nights debauchery even though you are too pissed to remember
where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from. Even though
travelling home at ungodly pissed up hours should expose you to freezing
morning conditions it is ok because you will also have a “Beer Coat” which is
the invisible but warm Ready-Brek-style item of clothing that you will
magically find yourself wearing when walking home.
284.
Dib’s reckons that Umbooloo
is probably
someone’s first name somewhere in the world. Soundz like it could have been one
of those Multi racial characters they used in the school maths books along with
his good friends Mumtaz, Fiaz, Wesley, Syeed and Len all working out the
probability of a game of marbles or something.
285.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
True that. Tis.
286.
Some people can take drugs forever,
Some people can take drugs for a while,
It helps if you can figure out which one you are early on
And act accordingly.
287.
Mariokart
Is not
about life and death
–
It’s more
important than that.
288.
Abra-Kebabra: A
magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the
performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the
taxi floor.
289.
Coca-Cola contained Cocaine up until 1903 when racist Southern
politicians had it removed so as to prevent blacks from gaining access to the
drug.
290.
Even when you are intelligent
enough to realise that things look futile and need to be changed, it doesn’t
always seem to make the difference it should.
291.
It is a fact that wherever they are seen gracing the female form, short skirts will
always turn heads – Even in a blind monks monastery.
Especially
the ones that earn the name “Greyhounds” – only an inch from the Hare.
292.
That
Tino Asprilla,
Bendy legged little
Colombian,
He adds an unpredictable
nature to almost everything he does,
Be it playing football
Or making some toast
You can never predict what
he’s gonna do next.
293.
For a huge sports loving nation,
294.
Examples of injury and
unluckiness of an unbelievable nature from the world of my dad mainly result
from doing things or being in situations where such things have a possibility
of occurring. I mean if you realise that you are that unlucky, wouldn’t it
strike you as sensible to try and avoid situations where punishment is
possible? Because for the naturally unlucky then it is not just a possibility
but in fact a certainty that things will go pear shaped. So forth my dad gave
up things such as Squash and football and took up Bowles ……. And then had to
give up that after tripping in the ditch at the side of the green and seriously
spraining his ankle.
295.
Toast
Should
be talked about with a little more respect.
296.
U ask me about tea and you better be
prepared to try and pull off a reverse grind of the highest order to get
yourself back into the conversation.
297.
“Quality
not Quantity, young Skywalker”
Is
yet another thing Obi Wan should of said.
298.
Roll it
poke it
light it up
and smoke it,
Crumble,
stumble,
pass it to your flat mate,
Pipe
some, bong some,
Use
a bit of home grown,
Suck
it,
Bucket,
Inhale
to get stoned,
Weed
need, Thai stick,
Ganja
always does the trick,
Rope
dope, Mary Jane,
Smoke
the shit,
GET
INSANE
Bogart,
eyes that smart,
Rollin
has become an art
…………..
Pass
the J to the I
And……….
We’ll all get……………………
……………….Stoned
299.
As you all know –
Spo know –
And what you don't know
–
Spo know –
And how do you know Spo
know?
When I have a smug face
belonging to a Cheshire Cat on Coke!
Ahh the happy memories as the writing cascades towards the top of the
screen at the beginning, Invasion of small ship carrying the lovely Leia, run
you Droidy fools! Don’t fire, no life forms aboard! Vader and his foul stench! “U
are part of the rebel alliance and a traitor! Take her away!!” Jawas!
Little trampy midget dellboys! “Uteeni!” “But dad I wanted to go to the
Toshi station and pick up some power converters!” Come back here cracker
farm-boy Skywalker shouts after lil Artoo does a runner, Ben Kenobi booyakkas
the sand-folk! “Help me Obi 1 your our only hope dagnamnit!” Uncle Owen!
Aunt
