blah
I'm bored... I'm waiting on chris and wayne to show up with my food. I'm hoping to be able to do some grocery shopping with chris seeing i was able to get matt's keys for that reason and we have some good coupon's to go with what is on sale at Meyers. Grr... they are hopefully on their way now... McDonald's closes in 30 minutes and that's what I want to eat and they are 30 minutes away.

Idiots
This was written on May 3rd


Why are people so lame? First off I signed into the computer so that I can use it... James sits down and signs into yahoo on my account and i bitch at him and he said cause i'm not using it he should be allowed to. I said no it's my user account and i have my password and sn saved on it. I didn't get a chance to sign into yahoo cause i had grocery's to put away.

Then I start feeling bad after eating while at Kmart and feel like i should take a nap and chris is what will you do when you are tired when you are working for 8 hours. I just kept quiet. I sleep know cause there really isn't anything else to do.

Amber what a fucking moron. Does she not understand that some people only tolerate her and don't want her around? She thinks she is the center of the universe and she isn't. All she thinks about is Tattoo's and her friends. Her boyfriend is treating her the same way that he did last time they dated. And she seems to think that everyone wants to hear about her life and her friends.

Autumn, god she is going to not get a job the way she sleeps.

I can't wait for the Marathon to start hiring that is getting finished.

Matt... god i have alot of things I want to write about him. First of is he stupid to take only pot heads with him for a gig with the dead where he is supposed to be escaping from a ball of fire and chain? I understand him wanting to take Dei with him, he is in love with her. Secondly, if he loves Dei, why does he not mind doing things with me or is it because I can relieve him seeing Dei won't or hasn't? Third if he doesn't want to be around mark, why doesn't he tell mark to go away seeing there are other bass players now that he can have at the jam sessions? And at I know he's getting tired of Josh, I hope he does what he says he's wanting to do and tell josh that he's done with him after the wedding.

well I'm talking with my Moo baby and she gave me a great compliment.

Moodarling: jackie <---is that spelled right?
jmwhiteside_2000: yep
Moodarling: well i thought i'd let you know that i think you're one of the coolest, kindest, non-judgemental, prettiest people i've ever met
jmwhiteside_2000: awww. thanks moo
Moodarling: i love talkin to u
jmwhiteside_2000: and i love talking with you also
Moodarling: and i can't say that about many people


which made my week...

I'm going to head back up to trixies in a little while.

Friday
I slept next to chris last night which was ok. I am debating on going up to trixies for a little while but after i take a shower. I ate already so I'm fine for a while when it comes to food. More to come later i think...

Day After
This is the day after I went to kenny's. I want to go back so badly and stay up there for a night the next time but it was too wet to do that last night. I relaxed, I recharged, and I drained and grounded and centered. I feel so much better. I'm just really tired from having to wait for matt to drive me home from dammon's house which happened at 7am. But I'm feeling alot better which is good. I'm a bit sore but that's from good stuff *nods alot*. I only wish I had been able to get out there earlier in the day than I did yesterday. I also hope that the next time I go up there, it's drier so that it will be warmer on my butt so that i can do everything better and not be cold. and I need to remember to grab toliet paper before I go up there next time.

Wow
I barely slept last night. I worked on Matt's back and got it to where he's not popping which is really good last night. I work on his legs tonight. I hung out with Crazy hippy Adam and his wife Melinda who are really cool. I was with them till about 5:30am and had to fight to sleep this morning. Adam was doing a ritual last night and it was all cool. I think I found some people that even I like and are cool with. THe only thing is that Melinda knows telka, but I think i can deal with that. I'm trying to make sure that before I ask either Adam or Melinda if they go up to Kenny's that I make sure I'm remembering the right people.

Why?
I try to do something nice by cooking dinner and chris decides to argue with me about a pan that I'm using because I have another one to clean. SO instead of cleaning that one to cook, I used another one to cook alot quicker. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of doing things like this for me and him and have it thrown into my face. I came home when I said I would to finish the laundry and to cook dinner and I get bitched at. I'm tired of this. I wish I was into pain so that I could fucking cut myself but I'm not into pain. I just wish I could find another way to get the pain out. I'm so close to breaking down again. I guess I'm just having a really bad week.

Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is it that other than Trish, everyone else wants to kill amber or hurt her? I guess Trish is really kind and is wanting to let her mom deal with that. But that's just me. I hope that Trish doesn't let amber come back to work at trixies. I'm sure she will conveniently clean up her room and look for her key if she was allowed to work there. I wish that amber would just leave like she did and not show back up again. Her so called boyfriend is useing her I think and is no good. But neither is she or half the people she hangs out with. And they are all two faced with her. When she's around I'm sure they treat her nice but behind her back they talk shit about her. But I guess some of them do the same thing about me also. Oh well.

I'm tired of telling autumn anything and it getting spread around. I guess I can't trust anyone anymore. I'm wanting to go away, but I'm not sure where I can go and if I can go anywhere. Chris is being an ass, but that is normal. But this is my personal blog and journal records that I have hidden I hope and don't need to show anyone else. This is somewhere where I can write and not worry abuot anyone else reading I hope and need to destroy it.

I wish that I could go back and change some stuff around and still have my car, have a job and everything was ok. I wish that I never gave up my job at taco bell, and would have found another job before leaving there or save up more money than I did so that I can move somewhere else. I wish I could afford my own place, but with no job, that means no place, and no car.

People think it's so easy to find a job, but I have only had 3 jobs in my past and they all where bad history. So I guess for people like telka and chris who have had many jobs, it's easier for them to find jobs.

I wish that I could spend some time with other people who I thought where friends but they end up not showing up when they tell me they will. I guess that I did something wrong and upset them. I miss seeing these friends, but I guess when the time is right they will be back around. I would love to try and spend a night with Matt fully and not have him leave or anything, but I don't think that will happen anytime soon. I know he doesn't really want me the way that I want him, so I'm trying to back off and stay away from him and trixies. I hope it's helping to some degree.

I'm just tired of everything and I wish I was into pain and I would just kill myself, but I'm not into pain and I don't want to die yet.