|
Meet Peggy Sooth Skip Introduction, Go to Article ListPeggy Sooth was about 53 when she was born, I think. It was in the summer of 2001 and the poor dear had no mother; I was the father - sort of a reverse immaculate conception. I gave birth to her after several weeks of reading an ad in the local paper in which they were advertising for correspondents from outlying areas to report the events in their area. A resume and samples of writing were requested. I guess you might say this ad impregnated me. Anyway, I was intrigued by the idea of writing a fictional correspondent column from a fictional place. I picked Tree County because I like trees and I do not think that there is a Tree County in the entire United States. The county seat of Tree County is the city of Yonder, which is bigger than you might expect but smaller than you probably suppose. The only other metropolis of note is Backflush, while Hither is a small village on the outskirts, but definitely not a suburb. I checked and the hierarchy of the local paper is more like a matriarchy, so I felt a female reporter would be more in tune to their tastes. The local oldies radio station plays "Peggy Sue" almost every time I listen, and I was humming it a lot, so when it came time to name my child, Peggy Sooth seemed perfect. Finally, I intended to suck up to the max by making most, if not all, of my key characters female, particularly those in positions of authority. This also fit in quite well with my liberal, New Age Guy philosophy; I'm all for females in positions of power. I decided that I had to have at least ten sample "columns" to submit if I was going to do it at all, and decided that I should be able to write at least one a day. I didn't set a length, which was a bad idea, I think. I turned out to be writing columns of about 500 words, which I expect would have been too long. However, it seemed that when I got going I needed that many words to say all that came to mind. The problem was that after six columns I hit a wall, writers block, I guess. Probably combined with laziness. All this happened about six weeks ago (much longer ago as you read this - anybody reading this?) and I have not resumed, partly because I got into other things (like learning how to construct this still-under-construction web site.) I had ideas for reporting the Garden Club Ladies' Annual Mud-Wrestling Challenge, the vote in Backflush on changing its name to Residue, and The Annual Protestant/Catholic Tug-Of-War across Thirteen Devils' Chasm, but I just could not make them work. So Peggy's out of work. However, since I am including in my under-construction web site a page of my essays/rants (A Minority of One,) I thought Peggy should get her ink also.
Here are her six articles (a couple of which I really like, do you?):
It was a happy Warden Sally Lobscouse who announced yesterday that her Fighting Felons have advanced
to the next round of the Intrastate Penal Lawn Dart Tournament. Warden Lobscouse, of the Tree
County Coeducational Correction Facility (TrCoCoCoFa), was particularly pleased with the play of the inmate
877052. Also drawing praise were TrCoCoCoFa's 342786, 76277, and 848112. Losing coach 1472933 of the Yonder
City Jail Petty Thieves had no kind words for the winners saying, "To think that we could lose
by a score of 12,173 to zip is outrageous, everybody knows that the Fighting Felons were using
lopsided darts and it just makes we Petty Thieves look foolish."
When asked to comment on 1472933's allegation, Yonder Police Chief Patsy Small said she would
stand behind her Petty Thieves. She was particularly upset by the transfer, just before the
contest started, of her best lawn darters to TCoCoCoFa.
"They took our best Petty Thieves and made Fighting Felons out of them right before the game,
and then to top it off, they sent them back right after the game without even feeding them.
That Lobscouse woman is trying to build a little kingdom for herself and I don't like it. She's
getting too big for her britches. TrCoCoCoFa-bah! There's a lot more to running a correctional facility than
winning a lawn dart tournament. We expect to blow them out in the three-legged race coming up
this fall, and that's what really counts. I've talked to Judge Madonna Henry and we intend to
incarcerate some particularly good athletes for this event, and she's not going to allow any
last-minute transfers."
It was an unhappy Warden Sally Lobscouse who heard these words. "I hate it when Chief Patsy shoots
off her mouth like this. Talk about getting too big for britches, she must have put on 30 lbs. (mostly in the hams!) since
the Blind Man's Bluff tournament last spring. (Which we won handily, I might add.) I don't know
how those Petty Thieves can put up with her. If any of their better athletes want to come over
and play for TrCoCoCoFa, I'll talk to District Attorney Betsey Wright about getting their sentences
increased so they can get transferred over and become Fighting Felons. We are not going to be
out-recruited. We'll just see what happens in September."
Corrections watchdogs speculate that Warden Lobscouse can only be referring to the Mother-May-I?
Extreme Games, which are scheduled for TrCoCoCoFa's Hell's Angels' Stadium in September. Tension is high in Tree County.
The schedule for upcoming Intrastate Penal Contests (IPCs) can be found at:
Next*******
Return to Chuck's Home Page*******
Back to top of page
The Village of Hither is not going to be left behind in the electronic age, declared village
trustee Joan Pogress. While many have considered Hither to be nothing more than a sleepy little
hamlet between its larger, more metropolitan neighbors Yonder and Backflush, nothing could be
further than the truth, says Pogress. "It all started last year when we got one of those
microwave ovens with the neon, well, they're not really neon, but you know what I mean, numbers
on the face, and the little touchy pad that you poke to fire up those little neon numbers. That
was a real eye-opener for us and started what we call our Digitalization2000 program. Then when
we discovered that Chief Yolanda Redsnuff's DeSoto police cruiser was powered by transistors, we
got a real wake-up call."
With Hither's Digitalization2000 program up and running, it was no surprise that trustee Pogress
and her fellow trustees last night unanimously approved a seventeen dollar appropriation to get
the ball rolling on the Hither Needs to Know Surveillance Initiative (HNKSI, pronounced hunk-SEE,)
and appointing 72-year-old Hilda Rheinheimer director of the fledgling operation.
At a press conference immediately following the trustees' meeting, Ms. Rheinheimer
announced that hers would be an entirely covert operation and maintain
strict unaccountability. Her goal would be to "learn everything we
can about everybody in Tree County, starting right here in Hither,
and that means you." She opined that she was given the post because
it was well known that she always "had her ear out" when it came to
knowing what her fellow residents were doing, although reports of
her being a nosy, "busybody gossip hound" were nothing but "sour grapes
being broadcast by one jealous Frieda Rheinheimer, who can't stand
it that she did not get the job." Frieda Rheinheimer, 91, who was
heckling at the press conference, would only infer that her daughter-in-law
Hilda never was, and was not now, good enough for her son Ryuichi.
Hilda Rheinheimer also announced that HNKSI (alternate pronunciation HINKS-eye) would employ
Ryuichi Rheinheimer, 78, as their electronic surveillance interceptor while she would do the
street work. She explained that Mr. Rheinheimer always slept with his mouth open and that his
bridgework and fillings had the remarkable ability to receive broadcast radio signals,
particularly when he forgot his Polident. His reception had improved greatly after a plate was
put in his leg when Lucy Comport drove over it with her Caterpillar 973C loader. He can be tuned
to various frequencies by aligning this leg and his head in different positions and then wetting
him down as necessary. "We haven't tried plugging him in yet," said Hilda, indicating that those
plans were well past the drawing-board stage and vowing to keep Hither at the forefront of the
cat-and-mouse surveillance game. "We intend to put him in the bathtub with an adjustable blow
drier just under the water, so we can fire him up as necessary," said Hilda.
Residents of Hither can sleep easier tonight knowing that HNKSI (sometimes pronounced
hin-KISS-eee) is keeping watch on something.
Learn more about HNKSI (pronounced HE-nick-si) at:
Next*******
Return to Chuck's Home Page*******
Back to top of page
Wilbur Smiley's little homestead on the outskirts of Hither was an exciting place to be last
Tuesday night to say the least. Wilbur, about who's UFO experiences your correspondent has
reported more than once in the last few years, thought he was again experiencing an encounter
of the closest kind when he heard a "huge, bouncing, crushing noise" at around nine in the
evening. He ran outside and saw a "huge ball bouncing down the hill, crushing everything it
touched. I quickly identified it as a Type II Warrior UFO, with counter-articulated seven-limbed
crewmembers, which is the normal compliment for such a vehicle - it is by no means a new machine," he said. The huge ball crushed
his outhouse and splattered one of his cows before it bounced out of sight. Wilbur said that
he was unable to get his rifle in time to fire directly at it, but he was able to shoot "60 or
70 rounds in the direction in which it went, but if I hit it, it was just luck and I'll claim
no sharpshooting skills (but I'm damn fast, if I do say so myself; not accurate, but fast.)"
The mystery of the huge bouncing ball was made a little clearer, in a very messy way, a few
hours later, when Hither Chief of Police Yolanda Redsnuff received a phone call from Hither
resident Paul Cosgrove complaining of a highly scented liquid running onto his yard from the
direction of the Village of Hither Sewerage Treatment Plant. He also said that when he went out
to investigate the smell, he discovered that someone had shot four of his cows, his prize
pullets were drowned, and that his outbuildings were riddled with bullet holes. He further
stated that he had heard a couple of hours earlier a "huge, bouncing, crushing noise," but at
the time he had attributed the noise to his wife Leah's intestinal pains, but now he wasn't
so sure, "although the smell was right."
Chief Redsnuff immediately contacted Hither Superintendent of Sewerage Treatment Marybeth Minot
and together they investigated Cosgrove's complaint. At the treatment plant they discovered a
14-foot diameter ball, composed of tightly wound string and rubber-bands, sitting in the
treatment lagoon. In coming to rest, the huge ball had created a tsunami-like wave that had
wiped out the lagoon wall and inundated the area to the south of the plant with the lagoon's
"sweet water," as Superintendent Minot called it.
The origin of the huge string and rubber-band ball was cleared up moments later when Lucy
Comport came crashing through the woods driving her Caterpillar 973C loader. "Anybody see my
rubber-band-string ball?" she called as she knocked a few small trees through Superintendent
Minot's pickup. When the offending orb, resting in the sewerage lagoon, was pointed out to her,
she with extraordinary deftness enclosed it with a logging chain "cozy" and proceeded to haul
it back to her hilltop home. Before departing she explained: "That gol-darned ball is the
result of 17 years work. I've been collecting rubber-bands since then and rolling them into
a ball, with some occasional string, but it's mostly rubber-bands. After six years it got
big enough that I bought a used John Deere to move it with, and I've needed a bigger tractor
about every four years since. This is the first time it has ever got away from me and bounced
all the way down the hill. Lucky there was no damage, and it uncovered my husband, Jack."
File photos of the sewerage treatment facility can be seen at the Village of Hither's web site:
Next*******
Return to Chuck's Home Page*******
Back to top of page
Judy Puff, president of the Yonder Area Economic Development Corp. announced yesterday that
Tree County is going to have a new business. "This is a wonderful thing for the people of Tree
County and the City of Yonder," Ms. Puff said. "I am happy to announce that the We-B-Cheap
chain of variety stores has decided to erect a new store in the City of Yonder. All of us
YAEDC, YACC (Yonder Area of Chamber of Commerce, not to be confused with Yonder Area Community
College,) and YACC (Yonder Area Community College, not to be confused with Yonder Area Chamber
of Commerce) have worked real hard to land the new We-B-Cheap store."
We-B-Cheap stores are known for their low quality merchandise and poor service.
"In an effort to keep happy customers, we like to charge up-scale,
tony prices," said Bill Willhoff, president of We-B-Cheap. He said
their main effort right now is attempting to find a tony used mobile
home to place on the lot they have already obtained next to the city
dump. He is very upbeat, and hopes to have his 300 sq. ft. facility
running within three weeks. Further, he said that as soon as he can
get city permission to run a sluice pipe to the dump, he expects to
add a self-cleaning drive-through crematorium in the back.
At the news conference, there was some bickering between Betty Wrinkle,
president of YACC (Yonder Area Chamber of Commerce) and Mary Lou Pistol,
president of YACC (Yonder Area Community College) as to just who was
to speak next when Ms. Puff asked for a few words from the president
of YACC. After administering a severe, but good-natured, purse-slapping
to Ms. Pistol, Ms. Wrinkle commented that she was thrilled to announce
that the new store would bring two low paying but tony jobs to the
City of Yonder and Tree County. She said that an added benefit would
be the sprucing up of the area around the city dump, perhaps even
making it tony She was especially excited by the thought of a self-cleaning
drive-through crematorium, as it would be the first of its kind in
our neck of the woods. "Undoubtedly a major tourist attraction," she
said, also predicting many spin-off industries such as "water purifiers,
gas masks and dust collectors."
Ms. Pistol was unable to speak due to her injuries. She was delayed in route to the
emergency room when her ambulance was overturned in a scuffle between YACC students
and YACC members. Ms. Puff commented, "it's just another one of those acronym riots,
I don't know why we can't get this straightened out, it happens almost every public
function. Sad, but kind of fun to watch. Nevertheless, I'm going to call in the
Yonder Area Christian Coalition to cool things off!"
The Yonder Area Economic Development Corp. can be reached at:
Next*******
Return to Chuck's Home Page*******
Back to top of page
The Tree County Gourmet Society held their monthly meeting last Tuesday at the truck
scale just north of Yonder. The Stump brothers, Harvey and Bill, hosted the event. The
menu included Chef Boyardee little raviolis, Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs,
Hormel meatless chili, and generic caned yams sprinkled with Spam. The surprise desert,
presented by Harvey, was a tub of Cool Whip and popcorn. After dinner, the group snacked on baked
beans and ham fat. The overwhelming drink of choice was buttermilk beer, although
Kool-Aid cows were available. Kerosene power-washers were used in lieu of napkins.
The highlight of the evening was the weigh-ins. This is a monthly feature where the
gourmets each hope to show the greatest weight gain. And although the results are
taken with great seriousness, there is a good deal of good-natured fun and horseplay
involved. The guest, or new member, might think that there could be a lot of
opportunities for cheating, particularly regarding what the gourmet wears or has
in his or her pocket.
When asked about this, Bill said, "that has caused some problems in the past, but
we think we've got it pretty well worked out now. Our rule is simple, you wear the
same clothes every time you weigh, and you put as much into your pockets as you could
stuff. Now if a person is smart, and gives this a little thought, the first time he
or she weighs in, he or she (if we ever get a she to join! Ha ha ha,) will wear clothes that
are mighty big. Even so, as time goes on a person finds that the clothes are becoming
too small. And then the difficult choice has to be made: whether or not to continue
in the competition. Continuing in the competition means never been able to change
clothes again, and even more than that, having to continually try to expand the
clothes that you are wearing. Talk about bursting at the seams! Ha ha ha.
"Of course we all know that any kind of bathing entails a high risk of weight loss, so
the smart competitor is very prudent in that area. Generally I find that the kerosene
power-wash that I get here is more than good enough to last until the next competition
without any touch-up in between. Ha ha ha.
"You have probably noticed that I have not got out of this old school bus here.
The reason is, I can't! Ha ha ha. To make long story short, I ate my way into my
old pickup truck, but then I got too big for it, and had to be cut out at the
junkyard (ouch! Ha ha ha.) So right away I got into this school bus and I have been staying in
here for the last year, it's a right fine place. Old Harvey over there (I always
beat him in these competitions! Ha ha ha,) is in his second pickup truck, and he's about ready
for a motor home. Of course, we weigh these vehicles down to the last ounce, so
there's no opportunity for cheating there. These weight contests are a lot of fun,
and more than that, they quantify our enjoyment. You can't be gourmet, a true gourmet,
unless you enjoy the food. And the proof of that enjoyment is in the weight
gain. 'The proof of the pudding is in the fat,' as the old saying goes! Ha ha ha.
"The Tree County Gourmet Society is now a little over three years old and Harvey and
I sure invite everybody out there to become members. So far it's just been the two
of us, and it is getting mighty hard to come up with surprise deserts anymore.
I wish we could get Member No. 3! Ha ha ha."
The Tree County Gourmet Society meets on the unspecified Tuesday of every month
in the Yonder area. They can be reached at:
Next*******
Return to Chuck's Home Page*******
Back to top of page
Tree County Deputy Sheriff Babs Cooley had her hands full with irate parents at the Tree
County Fairgrounds in Yonder last Thursday night. While no laws seem to have been violated
the situation was a hot one and caused by a belching contest for kids sponsored by the
Let's Get Plastered Tap in Yonder.
Let's Get Plastered Tap owner Helen Rancid-White explained to your correspondent that as
the mother of fourteen she had plenty of experience with kids and knew that they loved
to belch: "Belching is a natural function and it should be as much fun as the other
natural functions such as eating, breathing or watching TV, to name a few. Most of my
patrons are splendid belchers, and I just wonder how good they would be if they had
received competitive training when they were youngsters. As I see it, perfection
belching could certainly become a big show business area, if not a pro sport. Just
look at wrestling! I can see the day when college belching coaches are beating the
bushes with scholarship offers for outstanding high school belchers.
"As with other sports, girls seem behind in belching agility. Yes,
I say agility, for your topflight belcher must not only have superior
musical talents, but also extraordinary esophageal agility to go along
with the requisite bloating. My research has shown that the best way
for those who are challenged esophageal agility-wise, and this particularly
applies to girls, is to drink carbonated beverages quickly and in
large quantities (beer will work.) Why I can take a young girl who
has never so much as burped in her entire life, and within a few days
of intensive training at my belching boot camp she can develop into
a first-rate belcher. To think that girls have no belching talent
is just more of that male chauvinist you-know-what. And if that same
girl can carry a tune, there is no limit to how far she can go in
the musical belching arena, and the crossover opportunities are endless."
Emma Linkwurst, mother of Rob Linkwurst, led the group of irate parents whom Deputy
Sheriff Cooley finally succeeded in quieting. These parents, mostly mothers and all
parents of boys, objected to the mixed competition. "I am not going to stand for Rob
belching against girls, he's not been brought up that way," she said. "This sexual
equality business is just being carried too far, why boys and girls belching together
is downright unspeakable. My son has the makings of a champion belcher, we make
sure that he spends three hours a day doing his belching workouts, and we are not
going to have all that hard work demeaned by forcing him to compete in such a sinful way."
For the safety of all, the contest was canceled. However, Rob Linkwurst thrilled
the crowd by belching "The Stars and Stripes Forever!" as they left the fairgrounds.
Ms. Rancid-White's web page can be seen at:
|
