WRESTLEMANIA 21: "Hey, at least it was better than last year"
By Steve the Dweeb
Well, Wrestlemania has come and gone for yet another year. Whether you love sports entertainment or hate it, the fact remains that 'Mania has become a huge pop culture event. Wrestlers get a shot at greatness, fans are entertained, B-list celebrities are paid big money for their appearances...it's as American as apple pie. So, how did this year's show fare as opposed to last year's shitfest? The answer is but a paragraph away...
WARNING: Wrestling isn't for everyone. If you're among the minority who find pro wrestling to be "stupid" or "gay", please disregard the rest of this post and entertain yourself with something you're a little more used to.
Ok, here we go. Wrestlemania 21 was INFINITELY better than last year's attempt at a pay-per-view. Out of all the matches advertised, I only walked away from one feeling dissapointed. Which match was it, you may ask? To find out, you'll have to read my in depth (and by in depth, I mean very brief [and by very brief, I mean I'm hungry and want to get this over with so I can go get some tacos. Tacos rule.]) match report. Ready? Steady? Go!
Match 1: Eddie Guerrero V.S. Rey Mysterio
Excellent way to kick of the PPV. Eddie and Rey both worked hard to put on a great match, and the crowd was not dissapointed. I've noticed, however, that whenever these two step into the ring together it takes them awhile to "get into the groove". They traditionally botch up about two or three spots towards the beginning of the bout (not that anyone cares) and, after a few minutes, start to really flow nicely. This match was no exception; the two put on an excellent display of death-defying moves and impressive chain. You couldn't ask for a better way to begin the PPV.
Winner:Rey Mysterio, with a speedy 'rana.
Match 2: Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Oh boy. This was just insane. The participants were Edge, Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Christian (lots of "Chris's" in this one) Shelton Benjamin and Kane. All six of these men put on an excellent show that the crowd will likely remember for years to come. Not that anyone is surprised, mind you. When you get that many talented workers in the ring together, an excellent match is almost a sure thing! Kane really dominated things early on, taking out every competitor that came his way (must be all that Xango, huh Jason?). I was watching this PPV with a large crowd at Cinema Hollywood in Birch Run and, let me tell you, they were HOT! Definitely one to catch when the show is released on DVD.
Winner:Edge, after climbing the ladder and obtaining the briefcase that ensures him a title shot within the year. Moo.
Match 3: Muhammad Hassan V.S. Hulk Hogan
This wasn't an "official" match, but MAN was it great! The whole thing started off with everyone's favorite mentally handicapped wrestler, Eugene, coming to the ring and cutting a promo. After about a minute of this, Muhammad and Daivari hit the scene and layed out the poor guy. Things were looking bleak for our hero, until...it's the REAL AMERICAN! Hogan walked down to ringside (despite the fact that Eugene was still being tortured by the camel clutch) and proceeded to kick the living hell out of Muhammad. I haven't heard a crowd pop this hard in a LONG time! Afterwards, Hulkamania ran wild on Daivari as well. An excellent segment that was a welcome surprise.
The long lost Brady brother that Mike and Carol kept locked away in the attic.
Winner:The fans.
Match 4: The Undertaker V.S. Randy Orton
Typical match for the 'Taker, but still managed to gain something special. The highlight for me was Bob Orton, Jr. coming out and whacking the Dead Man with his trademark cast! Also, according to a report from pwinsider.com, the live crowd ate it up when Orton turned 'Taker's chokeslam into an RKO.
Winner:The Undertaker, after reversing Orton's Tombstone Piledriver with one of his own. This win means that the Dead Man is now batting 13-0 at Wrestlemania.
Match 5: WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus V.S. Christy Hemme
I went to the bathroom at the start of this match, and by the time I returned it was over. Sorry. From what I hear, it wasn't as bad as everyone thought it was going to be.
Winner:Trish Stratus, retaining her WWE Women's Championship
Match 6: Kurt Angle V.S. Shawn Michaels
A superb battle that had a lot of heat going in. The crowd was eating it up, both live and in the theater. Interesting note: Michaels wasn't wearing his trademark tights, but rather a specially printed pair of pleather pants. Angle busted his mouth open at some point, spitting blood up all over the place. Excellent psychology and even better chain (would you expect any less from a match with Angle?). Lots of nearfalls and anklelocks added to the tension. This match lived up to everyone's expectations.
Winner:Kurt Angle, with an anklelock that seemed to last forever.
Segment: Piper's Pit w/"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
Piper showed us all that he hasn't lost his touch. Right from the start when he proclaimed Austin's rebel persona as "bullshit!", Roddy had the crowd in the palm of his hands. At least, until Steve came out. After that, it didn't matter how hard Piper worked or how funny he was. The audience simply didn't care; all they wanted was to see a stunner. Luckily, right before the two could get into a confrontation, Carlito came out to insult them both. This led to a double team on the apple-eating bastard which culminated in a Stone Cold Stunner. Afterwards, the two legends drank beer (until Austin gave Piper a stunner of his own!)
You know, if WWE doesn't market a Chia Pet in Carlito's likeness they are SO missing out on a golden opportunity. Just look at him!
Winner:"Stone Cold" Steve Austin, who scored big points with me for calling himself "Master of the Middle Finger".
Match 7: Sumo matchup between Akebono and The Big Show
You know, this could have been a lot worse than it was. Sure, the segment was pretty boring, but at least WWE showed respect by converting their squared circle into an actual sumo ring. Still...Big Show in a thong is not something I want stuck in my head. Ack! It's back again! NOOOOOOOOO0!!!!!
Winner: Akebono, after throwing Big Show out of the ring.
Match 8: WWE Champion JBL V.S. John Cena
This was undoubtedly the worst match of the night. I like JBL, don't get me wrong, and Cena has a strong character, but this match just sucked. The crowd knew it, too, as they were pretty much dead. Not much else to say about this one, except that if WWE wants Cena to carry their belt they definitely need to have him work on his in-ring abilities. Also, this match was WAY too short for a title defense (under 15 minutes if I remember correctly).
Winner:John Cena, with an FU to JBL.
Segment: WWE Hall of Fame
All of the Hall of Fame inductees were introduced by Gene Okerland, then brought out by WWE Divas. A nice gesture, but nothing we haven't allready seen.
Match 9: World Champion HHH V.S. Batista
Motorhead (who sounds horrible live) played Hunter's music as he rose from the stage (very cool)! Batista then came out and they had their match. It was a solid bout, and the crowd popped for pretty much everything Batista threw at Hunter. HHH bled a gusher, which seems to be a common theme for his title defenses. Flair also got some good heat by choking the challenger with his jacket.
Winner:Batista, after delivering a viscious Batista Bomb.
So ends another Wrestlemania, and I must say it was a very good one. Sure, the show wasn't perfect, but none of them are. I for one definitely feel like I got my money's worth. As for match of the night? I'd have to say that honor goes to the guy in the bathroom who seemed to to be battling a never ending war with his bowels. I've never heard those kinds of profanities used in a public place before. Man, was he comitted.