Some people shouldn't leave the house
By Steve the Dweeb
I WAS planning on updating with a really cool article that'll make all of you shit your pants, but plans fell through. So, being the bright young go-getter that I am, I decided I'd go watch a movie. The Forgotten, to be exact. Upon arriving at the theater I realized that I had forgotten (no pun intended) to bring something to my girlfriend (whom was currently on duty as a concessionist), so I had to hurry home in order to grab said article. Long story short, I missed the first 15-20 minutes of the movie.
"No biggie", I thought, "I'll still be able to enjoy the flick. I know what the premise is, so it won't be that hard to follow".
Indeed, although the movie had allready reached it's "danger" point (when all the trouble starts happening), I was able to make coherent sense of what was going on onscreen. Sure, I missed the events leading up to this part of the movie, but just watching the trailer already gave me a sense of what had happened. I figured I could still enjoy the flick without any problems whatsoever.
Man, was I a douche-bag.
You see, there is a thorn in my side that I have yet to remove. An itch, if you will, that keeps coming back even after I scratch it. What could this irritatingly vile thing be? Bad dialogue? Cheesy acting? A BROKEN FILM?!?
No, my friends, the pet peeve of which I speak is none other than...you. You, the fellow moviegoers. Well, not ALL of you, per-say. Just the talkers. Yes, as cliche' as it may sound, I just cannot STAND it when people talk during a movie. It gets under my skin and makes me feel like I'm sitting on pins and needles. Whenever I'm in a theater with other people who feel the need to talk, I just about lose control. Tonight was one of those nights.
The first thing I hear is laughter. Not the regular, human laughter that you hear from everyday folk walking down the street. I'm talking about the kind of laughter no man (or woman, in this case) could possibly produce. Yet there it was. As clear and as clean as day, some lady felt the need to do her best Tigger impression as she cackled like a drunken whore. The strangest part was, these laugh fits came at the most inopportune times. I seriously want to know what drugs this lady was on, because if THIS can make her burst into hysteria:
Julianne Moore:How much do you remember?
...then I want a ticket to happy town, too. Now it would be bad enough if all she did was giggle and laugh, but no. Not only was she disruptive with her shrill, irritating guffaws, but her husband decided to join in on the fun as well. Not finding the film nearly as funny as his stoned/drunk/lobotomized companion, this gentlemen decided that it would be far more acceptible to simply talk throughout the entire picture. And talk he did. Over and over again, he seemed absolutely POSITIVE that the rest of the audience was more interested in his conversation than they were the movie. Despite my best efforts to "Ssshhhh" the disruptive duo, the two seemed hell-bent on ruining the movie experience.
So, my internet friends, I pose to you all a simple, easy-to-answer question. You don't have to answer it right away, however. Let it sink in for a minute. Are you ready? Good.
IS IT SO FUCKING HARD TO SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTHS FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS!?!
I mean for crying out loud, you PAID good money to see this movie just like the rest of us. If you wanted to talk, you could do that at home for ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOTHING! If you just like the idea of someone else hearing you speak, then become a friggin' phone sex operator! At least THEN you'll be making money and contributing something to your community. Hell, maybe they'll even make you president of the PTA. Who the fuck knows. Just don't come into MY theater and start talking about YOUR life. If I WANTED to hear you talk I'd pay YOU $7.25 to come over and spill your guts for as long as you wanted.
Now, many of you may be thinking "So what? I'll do whatever I want. What's this punk gonna do about it, tell on me"? Well, sadly, that's about all I CAN do. However, if you want to know what the punishment would be if we lived in a communist country, take a look at this chart:
So, my insatiable readers, I leave you with this one last thought. If you're watching a movie, do just that. WATCH IT. No one wants to hear about how your day went or any of those "witty" anecdotes you pride yourself on. This ain't MST3K. It's life. Bitch.
P.S., the movie wasn't all that great anyway. The effects and stunts were AMAZING, granted, but the acting was SO BAD at times that it made Resident Evil: Apocalypse seem like Star Wars by comparison. This proves, once again, my theory that...
Hollywood. Sucks. Balls.
Still, The Forgotten is worth seeing for the awesome special effects alone. Normally I don't reccomend films for "just being pretty", but trust me,(SPOILER ALERT) this flick has the art of the tractor beam down PAT (and a wicked car crash that looks more realistic than anything I've seen before). Donate Money.