miserable
sept15th?
today and most of the week i've been so down, so bummed out, i'm so lonely, i feel attention starved, i'm also so tired of rejection. it seems that if there is a nice man out there who will reject me, that i'll find him. i feel "shit on" and depressed. I really did a number on me ... in that, i REALLY liked being with him. i should have known that he was one of the ones that are "beyond my charm", too good for me in a way (the moralistic/idealistic way). i am so bummed and vulnerable right now, all i want is to be cared for and held, yet if it were him i'd immediately end up making love with him, cause i become a jelly fish around him-no backbone...pretty pathetic for hardly knowing him at all. that is why i guess it must be the great sex, cause why else would i be so bent over him????
unless i'm this pathetic always when i'm single, its hard to know...
maybe i am just a huge obsessive sap,... a co-dependant leach.
either way i still feel so sad, and SO lonely.
saturday october 7,2000
this morning i woke up- like the past few mornings, and other mornings throughout this past year, with the reminants of paddy and janine dreams. the ones where i am physically there, but cursed to stand by as an observer only. a feeling of shame surrounds these dreams and of having failed, and of getting what i deserve, of being put in my place. there was more, but it has illuded me.
as of late i feel so out of sorts, so lonely (by choise) yet surrounded by admirers. i have felt afraid of the roommate situation i've chosen, of my lack of income, lack of space, lack of control over my own space/life,and my need to escape. also intermingled with that, is the greatfullness for the support i am recieving with samantha. i do crave a lover and a confident, but these are things that i must trust time with. so tough for a "spoiled" girl with no patience
