the Same Old Thing Over Again
12-5-01
Bye
12-8&9-01
Is being and acting normal a good thing or a bad thing, or is there even a thing as normal or is it just a image? Sometimes what you think is normal other don't think it is. In many ways I wish I was a normal, average student and child but I'm not. Nothing is really worth the change to being normal, cause that wouldn't be me. I'm not even sure what I am at this point in life and no one should be at my age. I've always wished I was in control and knew who I am, but I in truth have just been a wondering spirit. There are things about me that I know of like how I act and what I like, etc. but at times I disagree with my own thoughts and actions. Which at many times I ponder over and over again, like whats is life, love, emotions, and partnerships. These thoughts lead me into many sleepless nights, only if I was able to talk about how I feel inside with others and not keep it bottled up inside. I know I'm able to talk to others, but when I want to the words do come out, and at times I lie to myself and others on how I feel hoping my pain and suffering well go away. But almost every time it doesn't because I don't ask people for help. I'm one of those people who helps others with there problems but never asks for it often. the reason for this is because I don't want to open up to people inside because it in my mind is a weakness. If I where to say what's on my mind and ask for help, I would feel insufficient because I'm not able to solve my own problems. Hehe, I remind myself as a complex character in a book who can be broken down in a million ways. I just never want to be broken down in the wrong way and felt sorry for or be pitied.
If life was simple what would be the point to live?
Lets hope of good and swift dreams for tonight
Bye
1-10-02
Wow times have changed so much, I'm truly not understand anything in my life... it's passing me way too much, I at times just want to sit back and talk to someone but I can never talk to anyone on how I feel. There's only a select few I can truly feel will help me feel better. I know there are people that read this and say you can tell me and I understand, it's just something in my head that says sorry not this person. I feel so mix up.... GRRRRR times not on my side at all is it.....
JyW time is finally here!!! People please ask me when it is so that you can come and see it. It plans to be soo soo soo very awesome! if your not busy come and see it.
Last... would have to be school. I'm glad where graduating because I have finally lost interest in school. it needs to end and it needs to end NOW.....
Bye
1-27-02
Well the times are changing, sometimes way too fast. I mean at one point we all were sane now... I just don't know. Our group is more or less falling apart from the inside out. People are moving on, and yet don't know they are. The group wants to stay together I can tell, but nothing is being done. Although today and yesterday seemed to bring it to a stand-still for awhile I knew that's what it would be for... just a while. Is it always going to feel this way. Sometimes I feel as though I'm alone... I never truly like this feeling. No one does... This is starting to make me fall apart from the inside but I MUST BE STRONG!!! Cause if I don't.... who will... Gosh I sound like one of those crazy war people I see on TV but it's truly and deeply how I feel inside. At times I feel the need for someone close like a girl friend who I can hold, and talk to but then I see others that need something, like someone to talk to or someone that's alone and I try to make them feel better. This makes me put aside my own needs in order to suit someone else's. It hurts in many different ways... but if I make some feel at least a little bit better then I don't care. As long as their happy that's all that matters. This goes towards the group as well. At times I lose my sanity, but it's good because I start to feel care free. That's kinda what I want, to feel free, not tied to one thing or another but at my own free will I could how I say "Run Around Naked" and not be held by chains. That's how I feel in the group... Naked and free... We me being the way I am I try to add light and laughter to the group... Now that we have another person in the group to do this, at times I take a rest and stand on the side lines... but I've been thinking to much, and I hate it the most, because now when I think I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MY SELF NOW! I don't want to... Slowly and surely I now know this is a real world... I want the group to come back not for them so much as it use to be... but more or less me. I finally have to worry about ME. Wow I wrote a lot and feel drained, this is one of the first doors I've opened to you guys that read this.
Bye
Another Day Another Time
So is anyone out, well probably not at this moment but maybe some day in the future their will be. Today I didn't want to move or get up. Damn, I feel so false. To many lies, to many false feelings. I'm kinda lost as to what I really stand for, and think did I ever at one point stand for something. Being safe and not telling people inner truths hurts more then having someone make fun of who you are. Why do people give lies to others, I think it's so that person telling the lie will feel bigger then the other person, that or their jealous. Even in your head if their not better to begin with what's the point of bringing them down more. In its self it's a lesson, not very good but it is.
False, am I, could I be. I've always liked being in the spot light, but now I'm changing my mind. the spot light has many things to offer and in fact many things to take. just cause your the center of attention one day doesn't mean that your the open door for others. Life to me is false now because I never really liked be followed, and at times never like following. I wanted to be my own self and hide in the dark for none to follow, but someone also manages to follow, why, is it to never feel out of place? And when I'm ready to follow someone how come no one will take the lead. The problem with being one of a kind is that there's no one to look to for advice because no ones been there.
False, emotions, true friends. Is having a friend worth it. If I where to answer I'd have to say whose the friend. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a tool or a friend later. Do I really have friends. Sometimes I say yes, and sometimes no, just ask me on the right day. How do you tell if I'm your friend. That I can't help you with, because sometimes I'm not sure. You can be deceitful and so can I, but am I more then you, probably not. I do value friends, but I often question if others value me.
False, Do u need me, are you even my friend? Today was the worst day of my life well at least at the moment it is... Nothing went how I figured it would.... nothing at all, the day drags on and on and on... why won't it end? That's mainly why I'm doing my journal, to let some steam off, also because I can't talk to anyone but a select few. If I didn't talk to you don't talk it personally I just couldn't for my own reasons.
why?
8-27-02
Wow it's been so long since I last wrote something ever. I miss it but in the same way I haven't. No ones known how I've felt in such a long time. I like it because when know one knows how you feel you can never get hurt. or so I thought for a while. I started to like this girl name Dawn, well I've always liked her in some way shape or form but I never knew how much until I started to hurt. I always held back how I felt about her until one day I felt like I was going to pop! I needed to tell her how I felt so I could at least get some sleep. That was probably the best thing I have ever done in a while. A couple weeks later we started to go out and I feel so happy. I don't think so knows how good she makes me feel when I'm with her, or until she reads this. Finally I've found someone that cares for me, someone that will not use me like the others have. Twa!!!
Enough about girls, time for school! I can't wait for school but in some ways I can. its going to be hard and I know it, things aren't going to get easier, they will get harder. Are first day is tomorrow and I really don't want to go. In time things are going to change. I still need to get shit done, and I'm running out of time.
STD is back but I don't know for how long. I plan to get a ppv started for two weeks from now, hopefully it happens. The guys are waiting and counting on me and I won't let them down! It's going to be awesome. Even Dawn said she would maybe maybe wrestle with us. That's going to be funny, not in a bad way, but a good one. STD catch the disease.
As we speak I'm trying to think of ways to improve on my web pages so they all work nice and pretty, but I am having troubles. Why don't people ask me if I need help. those bias! O well, I hope you guys have a nice day!
Bye
9-10-02
Well lots of stuff has been happening lately. Everything has been so fun and happy, and I can't complain. That's kinda scary but in the same good and I like it. Dawn has made me so happy and I can't think of a way to ever pay her back for how happy I am with her. I will always be there for her and all my friends because with out them, I wouldn't have a reason to be here. Thank you so very much you peoples.
My chemistry class is starting to be so very awesome it's not funny. Tom Greenarch is in my class and now I'm beginning to talk to a lot of people that I never thought I would. My teacher is pretty cool but he gives a lot of work but I can deal with it. As for my history class, that's a hole other story! So I won't even go into it.
Steve is gone and I miss him. I talk to him a bit but its not the same I can't wait for him to get down here. I need to give him a big hug!
Um... oh yeah I can't wait to go up north. I want to see everything and everyone. But who I really want to see is Kenneth! I really want to see him and I don't know why. I love little kids and I always want to see them happy and smiling. So I just want to make it worth wild for him! I'm going to enjoy it!
people email me plz hehe
Bye
9-11-02
Two days until I go up north to Dawn's family and I can't wait. I really want to see everything that she wants to show me and more. I want everything to flow and I want her to be happy as well. It's going to be a blast and I still have to pack. I think I'm going to do that after I write in here.
I'm so happy, but sad at the same moment. Many of my friends haven't seen me in a long time and I'm sorry. School, family, and Dawn have taken some of my time away and I still need Tony time. I don't mean to be like this, I should be back in the swing of things by next week!
Hi! Just thought I'd say hi to Dawn and Clinton. I think they're the only one that read this but I could be wrong.
I hope to have another wrestling day by next week that should be cool. I hope everyone can show up. I hope to have it next week Saturday~.
Babies, and Olive Juice! I miss you Dawn, I hope to see you again shortly.
Bye
sandman_84_24@hotmail.com