1. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm.
2. Your dad is some sort of engineer.
3. Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15.
4. You ask your parents for help on ONE math problem, and 2 hours later they're still lecturing.
5. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry
6. You shop 99 Ranch
7. Everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from.
8. You've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life.
9. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.
10. You've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest, or library.
11. Your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage".
12. You drive mostly Japanese cars.
13. You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.
14. You've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs.
15. At least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say..."
16. You know what bok choy is.
17. You've ever gotten little red envelopes around February.
18. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors.
19. You hear (Your name + eee (optional) + yah! ) every time someone calls you. (e.g., Jean-ee-yah! or Mary-yah!).
20. You have NO eyelids.
21. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc....
22. Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin.
23. The Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner.
24. Your ancestorame glasses.
26. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "(in their native country), we studied more".
27. Your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian.
28. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?"
29. Your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both
30. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took Calculus in 8th grade!"
31. Everyone thinks you're good at math.
32. Your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's".
33. You like $1.75 movies.
34. You like $1.50 movies even more.
35. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange, and the ever so popular lime green.
36. Your parents insist you marry within your race.
37. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food.
38. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it.
39. Your parents have never kissed you.
40. Your parents have never kissed each other.
41. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents.
42. "You want a stereo!? When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!"
43. People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate.
44. You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle".
45. You have 12+ aunts and uncles.
46. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage, and NEVER order dessert.
47. Your parent simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good".
48. The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses.
49. You will most likely be taller than your parents.
50. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both.
51. You get nothing if you do well in school, but get crapped on if you don't.
52. When going to other people's houses, you always have to bring a gift.
53. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top.
54. Your family owns a tennis racket, golf clubs, or both.
55. Your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e., Michael Chang, Kristine, etc. )
56. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture.
57. You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine.
58. You own a rice cooker or two.
59. You buy soy sauce by the gallon.
60. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
61. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going.
62. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come."

*You know you're a real Asian when..*

1) You carry a pager in your right pocket, flipped inward, whether its activated or not.
2) Your bangs are either long enough for you to touch with your tongue, or your hair is gelled up in spikes hard enough to impale small mammals.
3) You're so caught up in name brand shit, your pocket lint is labeled Calvin Klein.
4) Your vocabulary consists of "pimp, mack, wack" and as much as you can remember from the ebonics dictionary.
5) You go to asian parties, and you can't find your car since it looks like every other civic or integra.
6) Your screen name consists of Azn, and every word in the profile is written in alternating lower case/capital letters.
7) You can never address a friend without calling them "foo."
8) You use the letter "z" in every other word when chatting.
9) Your girlfriend has enough make-up to be accepted into Clown College.
10) You never fit that old asian stereotype of "all yellow skinned slant eyes are smart."
11) You enter chatrooms with "representin Westsiiiiiiide," or "any foin ladees in da house?"
12) You pick up chicks who wear shoes 2 inches away from stilts. (see #9)
13) You call people "peepz" since two syllables is too complex for you.
14) You don't know the names of cities; only area codes.
15) Instead of getting real education, you learn a plethora of nonsensical pager codes. (for god sakes, buy a message pager...if you even need one.)
16) You've never heard of any other sporting wear then Nike. (Reebok? What's that?)
17) You can't buy a shirt unless it's priced over $ 50 and has a collossal sized Tommy Hillfiger, or Polo label.
18) You're not a basketball player; you're a baller.
19) You've never bought a pair of pants that were less than 5 sizes bigger than your real waist.
20) You're an exact carbon-copy of your friends. (for their traits, see 1-19)
21) You claim asian pride wherever you go, when all you're doing is shaming the race.

*Ways to tell if you're chinese...*

1. You have a really nice pager, one with an alphanumeric display.
2. You drive a Japanese car, probably lowered with custom rims and a spoiler that`s higher than the car with 10 bottles of air freshener inside.
3. You have more than 5 remote controls in your TV room.
4. You love to sing Karaoke.
5. You have more than 20 aunts and uncles.
6. You wear contacts to avoid wearing your "Coke bottle glasses".
7. You`ll drive around for hours looking for the best parking spot.
8. You speak "Chinglish", which is 40% Chinese, 40% English, and 20% grunts
9. You love Sanrio if you`re a girl.
10. You tap on the table when someone pours tea for you.
11. You point to your nose when referring to yourself.
12. You say "AIYA!" , "WAH!" and "OK LA!"quite often.
13. Your parents ask you if you`re home when you get home. ("FAAN NEI LAH?")
14. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack.
15. You have never used your dishwasher to wash dishes. You probably don`t even know how it works..
16. You eat all your meals in the kitchen.

*How to be a cool Asian.. part 1*

1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine
3. Own a cellular phone
4. Have only Asian friends
5. Speak only in Asian languages
6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class
7. BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA
8. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends (personally.. this rule is stupid.. but then again.. so are most of them)
9. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties
10. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties"!
11. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music
12. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians
13. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs
14. Wear only designer labels
15. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel
16. Own a pair of Doc Martens
17. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them
18. Make sure your parents are doctors, or better yet, grocery store owners
19. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER
20. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car
21. Own a sports car
22. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school
23. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion
24. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a cabbage
25. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness"
26. Two words: Manhattan Portage
27. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
28. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish
29. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
30. Have a sports car that is lowered that it scrapes the road when you drive it.
31. Believe in credit cards....especially when they belong to others.
32. Make sure the clubs you go is predominately asian: that is 96% asian and the other 4% are the whites being beatened up for trying to dance
33. Make sure you talk to all your Asian-American friends about how traditional you are in spite of being born in Mississipi or something and then make fun of FOBs!
34. Join a corney Vietnamese gang and get the same haircut, the same baggy jeans, and wear a white T-shirt. Curse in Vietnamese all day.
35. Join a corney Korean gang and get the same haircut,the same baggy jeans, and wear a white T-shirt. Curse in Korean all day.
36. Join a corney Chinese gang and get the same haircut, the same baggy jeans, and wear a white T-shirt. Curse in Chinese all day.
37. Curse about how you are Japanese-American and can't join any of these corney gangs cause there aren't any Japanese around in the first place.
38. If case (37) is true, move back to Japan and go to Ueno park until you become a junior yakuza.
39. Drag your heels when you walk.
40. Before you smoke, spank your cigarettes really loud for at least 30 seconds.
41. Guys: always laugh in a high pitched voice.
42. Girls: say "like," "um," and "and stuff" alot.

*How to be a cool Asian... part 2*

1) Be racist
2) Dye your hair...reddish brown for best results (but then again, blonde turns out to be reddish-brown anyway)
3) You must drive an Acura Integra or Honda Civic (stick shift for tha fellas--it's a testosterone thang)
4) Never wear glasses out of class--only FOBS can do so (colored contacts are required)
5) Be racist
6) Girls, wear dark lipstick (the browner the cooler--no matter if you end up lookin like you stuffed your face in chocolate)
7) To achieve the NATURAL look, apply layers and layers of make-up on...if it starts to look unnatural (heaven forbid) just apply another layer.
8) Curl your eyelashes till they touch your eyelids.
9) Never be caught dead in a group of less than 10.
10) Be racist
11) Only associate w/ fellow yellows.
12) When you want to speak about a non-Asian infront of their face, speak your own language very loudly and rudely.
13) Interpret every little thing as a racial issue.
14) Never be on time when meeting friends.
15) Be racist
16) Dogg on inter-racial couples.
17) A pager is a life necessity. (Or a cell phone...or both)
18) Only wear clothes in the exciting shades of black and white (occaisionally cream, brown, gray allowed)
19) Girls must stare at eachother more than guys stare at them.
20) Be racist.
21) Always dress like you're goin to a party...even when your goin to Walmart.
22) Hang out in coffee shops when there's nothin to do.
23) Girls must be masters of Bust-a-move
24) Guys must be masters of Killer Instinct or Mortal Kombat III
25) Be racist.
26) Make every event a social one--church, school, funerals...
27) Guys are not allowed to leave the mall w/out at least one set of digits...that means a phone number for you morons who didn't know.
28) Girls--dress skimpy on a cold day so that a guy has to lend you his coat.
29) Guys must wear their choice of: Eternity, Escape, Cool Water.
30) Be racist.
31) Always change your pager greeting at least 3 times a day... sometimes add cheesy music for the full 30 seconds to piss the caller off
32) Carry at least 1000 pictures around w/ you wherever you go--pictures only of Asians of course...
33) Take pictures everywhere you go...even in your own driveway Guys--always look ruff & all hard-core, lifting your chin up to the lens Girls--fake smile, or no smile.
34) Guys--never say hi verbally back to a girl...either lift one eyebrow, nod your chin (very cocky), or wink (the most annoying one)
35) Be racist.
36) Fit 9 people in a car, when the limit is 5.
37) Wear a jade necklace, even if your not into Buddha.
38) There must be a stringy, Oriental-looking ornament dangling from the mirror of your souped-up car.
39) Girls--be abnormally obssessed w/ Sanrio (Keroppe, Hello Kitty, Pochacco, Pekkle, etc...)
40) Be racist.

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