Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: 2003
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He is so beautiful when he's sleeping. It's these moments, when I can't sleep, that I just stay awake watching him, and reflecting on everything we've been through. Sometimes I still have a hard time believing that he's actually mine. It's not that I don't think I deserve him, I got over that a long time ago. It's just hard to believe that someone as incredible as he could want someone like me. He's had such an amazing life, he's been through stuff I could never dream of. By all means he should be with someone as exciting as he is, someone impulsive and spontaneous like Kirk, or Brendan. But instead he's with me, the boring kid from Toronto with the teddy bear. I don't know what I did to get him, but I'm glad that I did whatever it was.
I remember the first time I met him. It was my first day here, and for some insane reason they chose Kirk to show me around. Kirk wanted me, I could tell. But even as cute as he was, I wasn't interested. I had instincts from the first second I met him, instincts that told me he was not the kind of guy I wanted to befriend. I was so scared when he took me into the lounge that day. I couldn't have fought off a poodle back then, he could've done whatever he wanted. But James showed up before he even had the chance. The second he walked into that room, Kirk started telling me all of these horrible things about him. I remember thinking "My God, what kind of person is he? Who would be proud to call themself a Manwhore?" But then Kirk said James had herpes, and James overheard him. When James started yelling at him, Kirks face changed. He went from seething anger to throbbing hurt in an instant. I think he was going to cry when he ran out of the lounge that day, though he'll never admit it. I didn't really think anything of it then, though. Because as soon as Kirk left, James formally introduced himself, and I think it was then I started falling.
I didn't know what to think back then. He had this horrible reputation, people said all of these horrible things about him anywhere I went. Everything I heard about him said to me that he wasn't the type of person I should be with. But when I thought about not being with him, my heart ached. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy for being with James. And I'll admit, that really got to me in the beginning. I was so used to being the perfect little angel, Curtis Joseph, Toronto's Sweetheart. I was supposed to go away to college and pull straight A's, and meet some nice boy who was majoring in medicine or something. Instead I met James, who while he had good grades, was definitely not the type of guy I was supposed to be with. It was really hard for me to step away from the path that everyone expected me to follow. But for once in my life, I listened to my heart, and chose what I wanted. And I wanted James. And that really scared me, because I was sure that he could never want me.
But he did. He told me that every day. He insisted I was so perfect, that I was everything he'd ever wanted. And even through all of that, all I could ever tell myself was how I wasn't what he NEEDED. The more I learned about James, the more I told myself that I wasn't right for him. He needed someone brave, someone strong and smart to watch out for him, to take care of him. And me, I could barely take care of myself. When everything was happening with Bobby, and with Kirk and his idiots, I was so scared. I needed protecting, and he was the one that gave it to me. I kept telling myself that that wasn't the way it should be, that I was just going to get him hurt if he had to keep protecting me. I wanted to protect him so bad, but I knew that I wasn't brave enough to do it. And the more I kept telling myself that, the more I convinced myself that I had to let him go. So I let myself be manipulated and pulled away from him, and into a group of people who were the last things I ever wanted in my life.
I kept telling myself that he was better off without me, that he could concentrate on protecting himself instead of me. But every day I saw him, he looked even worse. I used to ask Ryn how he was every day, and every day she'd get this sad look on her face and say the same thing "Not good." I wasn't good either. That time I spent away from him was the worst time of my life. I just wanted to be with him so badly, it literally hurt to breathe without him. I told myself a million times that things were better this way, but I couldn't get the longing for him out of my heart. It was then I realized; I was his. One hundred percent, I belonged to him. He owned every part of my soul. That realization scared me more than anything ever had. Because by then, I was convinced that he didn't want me anymore.
But I told him anyway. I still don't know where I found the guts that day, but I told him exactly how I felt. I told him everything, about how I needed the feeling of protection he gave me, to how I needed to hear him snoring next to me at night. He looked so shocked by the time I finished talking, I was sure he didn't want me anymore. But the second I finished talking I was in his arms. And the second they wrapped around me, I realized something else. He was mine, too. He wasn't going to leave me because I had a teddy bear, he wasn't going to stop loving me because I cried at TV commercials, he didn't need someone big and strong to protect him. He just needed me. He loved me. HE loved ME. I knew in that very moment that this was it, James was that guy that I'd waited my entire life for. There wouldn't be another one like him, not for a million years. It was really an easy decision to make that night, I was his, he was mine. So I gave myself to him even more that night. And it was the most spectacular moment of my life.
A lot has happened between us since that night. A perfection surrounded us that night, but it didn't last very long. But anything perfect isn't really real anyway. I love him more now than I ever thought possible. I think everything that we dealt with made us stronger. As a couple, we're basically unphaseable now. Anything that happens to one of us happens to the other, we go through everything together. I never would've thought it possible way back then, but now I AM just what he needs. I'm not big or strong, but I still protect him, in my own way. And I do that by just being myself, and loving him. He still protects me more, he kills bugs so he'll always have an advantage. But I protect him too, and really that's the best feeling I've ever had in my life.
We've been through a lot together, lots of good, lots of bad. Neither one of us are the same people we were when we first got together. But with everything that has changed, one thing has remained the same. I'm still his. And him... I graze my fingers softly down his scarred shoulders, enjoying the silky feeling beneath my fingertips. He's still mine.
"Mmm," He murmurs, turning his head to look at me. "What're you doin'?"
"Shh," I whisper, brushing my fingers gently through his hair. "Go back to sleep,"
"Mm," He grunts, his eyes slipping closed. "Love you,"
"Love you too," I whisper again, placing a light kiss to his forehead. "Sleeping beauty,"
THE END
© 2002 Triple X
