Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: 2003
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The stares I get in the hall can be quite annoying. Most of them probably aren't even bad, but they can still grate every last bit of my nerves. I've become famous around campus, which was the last thing I strived for when I came to this college. I came to this college with one thing in mind; be invisible. I had spent the last four years of my life in the spotlight, and I wanted out. I was sick of being James the Magnificent. I just wanted to be James the Normal. So I passed on all the scholarships that people said I should take, and took one to a small university in Michigan, a place where I was almost certain I could be invisible. A place where I was certain my reputation wouldn't follow.
I'd done a good job of making myself known in Flin Flon. And it was for two different reasons. For the adults, it was the academics. I carried a 4+ GPA all through high school. I missed three days of school in the entire four years. I was late one time in four years. Detention? Pshaw, as if. I was the kid that every parent wanted their kid to be. And I hated it. So when the school bell rang, I became a completely different person. There were parties. Lots of parties, with lots of bad bad things. And I did them all. And then there were guys. LOTS of guys. Too many guys. It was never my official title, but I was the Manwhore of Flin Flon. And you know what? I loved it. Because when I was doing that, I wasn't James the Magnificent anymore. I was James, the one I wanted to be. Well, the one I wanted to be then, anyway.
Then in Sophomore year, I met Kevin. Now that I think back to it, it's kinda funny that his name begins with a K. I fell for him, hard, but all he did was use me. Use me for sex, then go back to his girlfriend, Lisa. Hey, how 'bout that, even that name is almost the same. I couldn't find the strength to walk away, so I took the abuse. He was the first person to ever tell me "You are nothing but a manwhore, and that's all your ever going to be." If he had only told me once, I would've probably been okay. But I heard it every day for almost a year. Even after Kevin, I kept hearing it. Any guy I ever talked to seem to tell me the same thing. By the time I reached senior year, I was convinced I was never going to be anything but a manwhore.
But in Senior year, I met Niklas. He was a foreign exchange student from Sweden, and being James the Magnificent as I was, I was put in charge of showing him the rokes. I didn't really want to. By this point in my life, I wanted nothing to do with men outside of the bedroom. All of them were just going to use me anyway, so why bother, right? But Niklas was different. He was always different. I know he heard all about me, but he never let it get to him. He always treated me like a human being, never like the manwhore I was convinced I'd always be. The first night we got together, he spent an hour telling me how special I was, how much he cared for me, how much he....loved me. I thought it was perfect. Someone had actually seen past my reputation, and cared for me as a person. Slowly, I got past the pain Kevin caused me. Niklas told me every day how special I was, how nothing they ever said mattered, how I was going to be so much more than a manwhore. I asked him once if it bothered him what people said about me, and he said "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because I know the real you." I never thought anything would phase what we had. But I was sadly mistaken.
Out of the blue one day, Niklas dumped me. He never told me why, but I'm sure I knew. The people got to him. It wasn't an easy job dating me in that town. Anywhere we went, there were people staring at us, or whispering, and to a lesser extent, commending me on what a great job I did last semester. He just couldn't handle it after a while. I can't say as I blame him. I couldn't handle it anymore either, so I decided to not, and leave. I never let Niklas bother me too much. He'd done more for me than anyone ever in my life, I could never harbor bad feelings toward him. Because of him, I knew I would be more than a manwhore. So when I left Flin Flon, my goal was just to be invisible, get my degree, and become a psychologist like I always wanted to.
It worked for a while. I made a few friends, nothing too serious. I concentrated completely on my studies. I stayed completely out of the way, and just did my own thing. Then I made the mistake of tutoring a hockey player. Dominik seemed nice enough, and he needed help, so I figured what the hey. I didn't think for even a second that tutoring him could throw me right back into that hole it took me so long to get out of. Tutoring him led to the keggers, the keggers led to sex, the sex led to Kirk, and Kirk led to hell. It was a vicious cycle, and it happened so fast, I wasn't even aware it was happening until it was too late.
I don't really know what it was that made me fall for Kirk. I mean, I had Niklas, so I knew what love was. But I think deep down, I wanted to be treated badly, like I craved it. It had been accepted practice for so long, I couldn't really expect a few months of love to purge it all from my system. A part of me knew from the very beginning what I'd be getting into with Kirk, but still I pressed on. At first, I think it was only physical. As much as I hate the very air he breathes, the boy is hot. But as he started to treat me badly, I started to fall in love. The worse he got, the worse I got. Before I even knew it, it was completely out of my control. I was his, mind, body and soul. There was just one big problem, he didn't want me. Don't get me wrong, he wanted me, but only for sex. I accepted it for a while, too long. But then I remembered all the things Niklas had said to me, and suddenly I realized that I was worth more than how Kirk treated me. So I told him, which was a huge mistake.
I was so desperate for him to love me, I believed it every time he told me. He could spend 20 minutes berating me, and then say "But I love you" and I'd melt completely. I was under his spell. The more I put up with it, the worse I became. The hole got deeper and deeper. So deep, all I could see around me was black. I went through life as a mindless drone for a while there. I don't even remember a lot of what I did. My grades slipped, and I almost lost my scholarship at least twice. I hear I slept with Sean a couple of times, but I don't really remember that. All I remember from that entire time was Kirk, being his manwhore, and falling for his lies. Everything else was black.
But then Shawn came around. And as corny as it sounds, it was like he brought a flashlight along, and shined it down on me. The light shined through, but it had been so long since I'd seen it, I didn't know what to do with it. I'd worked my way right back into that mindset that all I was was a manwhore. Kirk's manwhore. I think I really did love Shawn, but Kirk had too powerful of a hold over me. So I pushed the light away, and slipped back down into the hole. Except this time, the hole was deeper. Kirk was worse than ever before. Every word out of his mouth dug the hole deeper and deeper, until I could barely breathe anymore. So many people tried to rescue me, but I couldn't find the strength to even reach for them. I was suffocating.
But a hand reached out to me, from a very unlikely source. Brett. I don't know if he really knows he did it, but he pulled me out of that hole. It always makes me laugh, but it was like saving his ass suddenly became my purpose in life. The more he needed me, the less I needed Kirk. And one night, he'd spoke the words that broke me completely free from Kirk's hold. "I'm glad you put up with me, James. I really need you in my life." He needed ME. Someone NEEDED me. It really charged my self worth, and it gave me the strength to walk away from Kirk. It sounds so funny to say it, but I really owe Brett my life. Because without him, I'd still be in that hole. Except the dirt would've swallowed me up by now. Brett saved my life. And for that, I love him to death. And I'm going to be there to save his ass until I can be there no more, no matter how much danger I put myself in. I owe it to him.
It's a really weird thing to think of. I owe my life to an alcoholic, drug addict, 21-year-old BOY with more issues than Time Magazine. Without Brett pulling me out of that hole, I wouldn't be where I am today. Without him, I wouldn't have the greatest, most important thing in my life. Curtis. It's been a less than glamourous time for Curtis and I. But my love for him has never waivered. It's not like Niklas. I know Curtis is bothered by the things people say about me, Kirk in particular. He's even believed that I'd hurt him. But no matter what, I can always tell he loves me. I can always tell, no matter what may be going on how special he thinks I am, how much he cares for me. He's brightened my life unbelievably. Brett may've pulled me out of that hole, but Curtis filled it so I could never fall back down. He'll never be able to erase all of the bad memories from my head. I'll always have the memory of Kevin, and of Kirk, and the things they did to me. But now that I have Curtis, I'll always be able to remember how wrong those things are. I'll always know how much better I deserve. I'm pretty sure it would make the other hockey players pretty upset, but it's all the truth: Curtis killed the Manwhore. And that's one of the many reasons I love him.
I've never made things easy on myself. My entire life, I've always taken the hard road. I guess it's not much of a surprise then that I went through what I have at college so far. It was a lot harder than I ever thought I'd encounter, but I wouldn't change a thing. Because things happening the way they did made me who I am right now. James the Magnificent is dead. And finally, after wanting it for so long, I'm just James. My life is far from normal, with Bobby around, always saving Brett, and dealing with Kirk and his cronies on a daily basis. I'm not invisible like I wanted to be, there probably isn't a person on campus who doesn't at least know my name. But you know what? I'm something I've never truly been. I'm finally, happy.
END.
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