Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: 2003
Okay, a brief run down on why this tag had to be written. Fic!Kirk went crazy and said very not nice things to Fic!James, which caused this to be written. The text in italics is Kirk dialogue pulled directly from Rollerwriter's story.
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I can't catch my breath. God, why do I let him do this to me? I'm damn near hysterical, rocking myself and feeling like my eyes are about to pop out. So quick, he just snaps, and instantly he's evil again. He'd never berated me like he'd done today. I did nothing wrong. Is it so incredibly horrible for me to actually want to spend time with him? God, it is okay to be friends with the guy, right? Jesus, I don't even know what to think anymore.
"I don't know why you love me. I have a girlfriend! I only need you for sex!"
You think I don't know that? But I love you, you dirty, rotten, son-of-a-bitch. But don't ask me why, because I don't know. I need a shrink. You think a psychology major would have more sense than I do? I was gone for a total of two hours before I came back to him. Somehow in that two hours, I managed to make Dom cry and get slapped by Tammy for going back to Kirk. I'm quite a guy today eh? Fuck me.
"You're nothing but a manwhore! How many times do I have to tell you that? You're never good for anything else and you're never going to be anything else. Ten years from now, I'll pick you up from the street corner expecting sex,"
Maybe he's right? Maybe I am just a manwhore. No one has ever treated me like more. And the one guy that did, I flat out tell him I don't love him. And why? To come back to this shit. He may as well have hit me, I think it would've hurt less than hearing that. You want to know the scary part? Ten minutes before that I was sure he actually meant it when he said he loved me. Just the way he said it...God, why am I so fucking dumb? I'm not worthy of love. What would make me think that he could love me? When I say I do stupid things for love, I really mean that. I just sat there and let him say all those things to me. The old me would've punched his ass. And if he would've fought back, I'd break his damned arm. But the second I got with Kirk, that person died. I submit to his every whim. I'm such a fucking moron.
"Yeah, you stay in there, you manskank!"
That lead me to where I am now. No longer crying, but still sniffling against the shower wall. Tammy said something to me earlier that really made me laugh. But now that I think about it, maybe she's right. Maybe I should go with Shawn. But what kind of person does that make me? Go from one guy to his 16-year-old brother? I can't even comprehend that. That so isn't me. Whatever happened to my age limit? And whatever happened to feeling guilty for sleeping with him? I must not have felt too guilty if I did it again. He just made me feel...different. I never felt cheap, or dirty. And the things he said actually made me feel loved. Like for a brief second I felt that I was more than a manwhore. But he's only 16, what the hell does he know? The only reason he slept with me was probably to piss Kirk off. I know that's why I did it, the first time anyway. The second time is another story. I'm not sure I could ever do that. I don't think I could love Shawn. Granted, it's only four years, but he's so young. And I'm in love with his brother. His fucking asshole of a brother. That's really why I don't think I could.
But I'll probably never find out. With any power left in his body, Kirk is going to make sure I remain only his. God forbid his manwhore touched someone besides him. But it's perfectly fine that he has a girlfriend. I’m just a manwhore after all. I hate to think it, but I'd have her bumped off if I was in the mafia. Maybe then he'd love me. Fuck, there I go again, fooling myself. He'll never love me. I know it, you know it, he knows it. I'm just his manwhore, that's all I'll ever be. "You're nothing but a manwhore!....You're never good for anything else and you're never going to be anything else." Is he right? I don't know. And I'll probably never know. Because I don't think I'm strong enough to walk away.
THE END
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