Happy Birthday AJ! It's only three days late! It's a good thing the slash god's smiled on me quickly for this one, because I think I still have some IOU's out from the fifth grade *shrugs*. I got this idea almost immediately after I read your suggestion for these two, so I knew I had to go with it. Then I heard the song, and everything seemed to fit. You really should've put an angst block on me, because I got a little carried away in parts *g*. All and all though, I incorporated a little bit of everything into this, even Doug! Ryan changed his mind like 4 different times with what he wanted in this, but it ended up in a way I liked. I'm not sure about the ending, but I never am, so I'm just going to shut up now and let you get to your ficcage. I hope you enjoy it :-) Happy Birthday!!!
Love,
James
********************
Rating: NC-17 for some sex, and lots of angst
Pairing: Ryan Smyth/Curtis Joseph
Original Date of Completion: August 2002
Disclaimer: CuJo is all mine, Ryan however does not belong to me. This is fiction, so you can't sue me.
********************
We belong together
And you know that I'm right
Why do you play with my heart?
Why do you play with my mind?
Said we'd be forever
Said it'd never die
How could you love me and leave me
And never say good-bye?
When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
(Girl), each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head, oh I'd rather be dead
Spinnin' around and around
Although we've come to the End Of The Road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Come to the End Of the Road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Boyz II Men "End of the Road"
Used Without Permission.
When most people fall in love, they never expect heartbreak. But I'm not most people. I expected it from the start. I think any hockey player does when they fall in love. Especially if it's with a teammate. But three years went by, and that feeling faded. I stopped worrying that one day Curtis was just going to stop loving me. He loved me deeply; he called me his light, his reason for breathing. I loved and trusted him more than anything else in the world, so there was no reason to keep worrying. Trustingly, I let my guard down. And wouldn't you know it, heartbreak took the opportunity and invaded. Curtis left me. Not for another man, or even a woman. For the god damned Maple Leafs.
I went to bed "that" night living in a perfect world. I had a man that loved me, and that I loved more than life itself. I got to make a living playing the game I loved, on the team I grew up watching. I never had to worry about making the car payment, or if I'd come home one day to an eviction notice on my front door. I had everything in life I'd ever wanted.
Then I woke up.
* * *
"So, how'd the meeting go today?" I asked, popping a handful of popcorn in my mouth.
I lay cuddled up on Curtis' chest in my living room. Another nameless action movie was on TNT, but Curtis was absolutely enthralled. I waved my hand in front of his face, and he stared down at me and smiled. I leaned up and kissed him deeply, the kiss laced with the mingled taste of buttered popcorn and Bud Light. I smiled and draped my leg across him, straddling him just below the waist. I leaned down and kissed him softly, pulling away before any real kissing could begin. He frowned, and I smirked at him with a giggle.
"So how'd the meeting go?" I repeated myself.
He sighed and rolled his eyes. I'm sure he's more than tired of me asking, and to tell the truth, I'm sick of asking every day how meetings with his agent went. I wish he'd just sign a damn contract already, so I could find something better to ask him every night when the stupid movies got too much for me to handle.
"It went fine," He said plainly, shrugging his shoulders.
"Nothing new to report?" I asked again, tilting my head to the side.
He paused briefly, then sighed. "Nope, nothing new,"
I leaned down and put my lips on his. Slowly, our lips clashed, and his hands found the back of my neck. As his fingers grazed softly across that spot, I knew what was coming; but I was in no way complaining. I pulled away from him and shucked my t-shirt to the floor. He leaned up and wrapped his arms around me. His tongue quickly found my nipples, and I whimpered at the feeling. He hugged me tightly against him, and slowly lowered me back onto the couch, him moving along with me. I slipped my hands underneath his t-shirt and pushed it slowly over his head. He dropped it to the floor, then stared down at me. I could see the lust swimming in those misty blue pools. I slipped my hand behind his neck and pulled his lips back to mine. They met heatedly, our chests pressing softly together. Curtis' hands drifted slowly down my ribs, tickling them with just a feather touch. My hands found the waist band of his flannel pajamas, and he pulled away, gasping for breath.
"Bed?" He asked, sweat beading on his forehead, his chest heaving.
I shook my head no, and pushed his pajamas down. "Here,"
His eyes lit up, and he slipped his hands into my boxers. I grinned, and pressed off on the remote, killing the TV and blackening the room. I then gasped as he grabbed my stiffening cock and jerked it lightly. I lifted off the couch and helped him push my boxers from my hips. He slid them slowly off my legs, teasing my flesh with his fingertips. He dropped them to the floor, then crawled up to kiss me. I grabbed his shaft in my hands and grazed my fingers slowly down the length. He shuddered, and buried his face in my neck. I continued manipulating his swollen flesh, him biting down on my shoulder when the feeling got too intense. He sucked softly at the skin his teeth marred, and slowly I pushed his pajamas fully from his hips. He stood up from the couch and kicked them off. With a grin, he knelt on the floor and grabbed my dick in his hand.
My fingers clutched the back of the couch as the head of my dick slipped slowly into his mouth. Torturously slow, he took in inch after inch, until I felt his chin resting on my balls. He held his mouth still, and I moaned from the warmth surrounding me. I slipped my hand into Curtis’ hair as he slowly began to bob up and down. His tongue swirled around my length, eliciting quiet whimpers from me. The skill of his mouth brought me to the brink in minutes. Curtis grasped my balls in his hands and squeezed them in time with each bob down. My moans grew in volume, and Curtis' bobbing speed increased. Just as I felt that first tingle of orgasm, he pulled away. I gasped, and looked up at him with wide eyes. He grinned, and spat into his palm.
"Not yet," He said, shaking his head, then glancing down at my dick.
He rubbed the saliva onto his dick then knelt on the couch. He lifted my legs onto his shoulders and placed himself at my opening. He pushed the head past my opening, and I bit my lip to keep from screaming out. As customary, he rocked his hips slowly, gently easing in until he reached the hilt. When he was fully sheathed inside me, he pushed his lips onto mine. Our kisses took off in a flurry of passion, tongues touching delicately. He slowly started thrusting, and immediately found my prostate. My lips slipped away from his, and I threw my head back in a moan. Curtis' lips found my neck, and he nibbled softly on the skin as he thrust into me with agonizingly slow strokes. My fingers raked softly against Curtis' back. His thrusts began to quicken, and the sensations became too much for me. I came with a load moan, my cum splattering on Curtis' stomach. He brought his lips back to mine, and kissed me roughly. I slipped my hand back into his hair and tugged it lightly, the sensations continuing to wrack my body. Curtis took his lips from mine and bit down on my shoulder as orgasm washed over him. With a grunt, I felt him shoot inside of me. He sighed, and thrust into me one last time, then collapsed against me. His mouth found my marred shoulder, and he kissed at it softly, still inside me. I traced a finger down his back and yawned, the escapades taking their toll. He looked up and me and smiled.
"You're so beautiful," He whispered, rubbing his hand down my cheek.
I blushed and shook my head. "Not compared to you,"
He slipped from inside me, then leaned up and kissed me. Our lips connected softly, sweetly, tongues staying dormant. When we separated, he yawned and laid down on my chest.
"I love you, Ry," He spoke, placing a soft kiss on my chest.
"I love you too," I echoed, kissing him atop the head.
I yawned, and closed my eyes. Spent from our escapades, I quickly drifted off.
* * *
See, perfect, just like I said. Sometime over the course of the night we got up and moved to the bedroom. We stayed cuddled up all night, until he left, as usual, in the morning for a meeting with his agent. That had become standard practice, so I paid no attention, just rolled over and went back to sleep. I remember having a dream after that, about living this perfect life with Curtis. We bought this swanky condo in the city, and we got this big fluffy white cat, it was beautiful. When I rolled over to answer the phone, that dream was still playing in my head. That's why I was so damn happy. I think that was the last time I was ever truly happy. And it all ended with a phone call.
* * *
The shrill ringing of the phone snapped me from the most beautiful dream ever. I sat up in bed and wiped the sleep from my eyes. I reached over to the nightstand and snatched up the phone.
"Hello?" I asked cheerfully, still reeling from my dream.
"Smitty? How are you?"
I quickly recognized the voice on the phone as Doug's. I glanced over at the clock and read the numbers 1:04. I cringed and shook my head at myself for sleeping so late.
"Hey, Doug. I'm good, how are you?"
He paused for a second, and I heard him take a deep breath. I swung my feet onto the floor, and switched the phone to my left ear.
"I'm.....good, Smitty. Are you okay?" He asked slowly, a puzzling concern in his voice.
"I'm fine, Doug," I chuckled, walking from my bedroom. "Is there a reason I shouldn't be?" I asked, stepping onto the cold onyx tile of my kitchen.
"Well. I just figured, with Curtis, you might be...."
I cut him off in mid-sentence. "What about Curtis?" I asked, shutting the refrigerator before pulling anything out.
"Oh," He said quietly. "You haven't heard,"
"Heard what Doug?" I asked, my voice beginning to panic.
My mind was quickly becoming a jumbled mess of horrible thoughts. I had to grip onto the counter to stop from shaking. Hurt, sick....dead. So many thoughts ran through my mind. But none of them could prepare me for the truth.
"He signed with Toronto today,"
The phone slipped from my hand and went crashing to the counter. It landed with a thud, and bounced off the edge. I dropped to the floor in shock, and watched the phone as it smacked against the tile, sending shards of plastic and black ceramic bouncing through the air. That seemed so fitting to see. Something you thought was so strong, shattering so easily. In an instant, my perfect world shattered. He was leaving me. After he said what we had would never die; he injected it with a lethal dose of Toronto. He killed the perfect life, after he'd said so many times he wanted it to be forever.
It couldn't be true, it just couldn't be. I slowly, mindlessly got to my feet and stumbled into the living room. I grabbed the phone and dialed his number without thinking. It rang for what seemed like eternity. But when it finally answered, I immediately wished it hadn't. I heard an all so familiar tone, and felt tears begin to build in my eyes.
"The number you have reached has been disconnected, or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and try your call again. If you need help, please contact the repair service for assistance,"
In that very moment, my world stopped. The message completed my world's crumbling. I kept the phone frozen to my ear, listening to the incessant drone of the operator over and over. The voice squeezed more tears from my eyes with each word. With each tear that fell, more of my world crumpled around me. By the time the line clicked, my world was much like the phone; quiet, hollow, lifeless. In the span of 20 minutes, my entire world died. I dropped the phone onto the sofa and sat down in shock. I could only manage one thought, and it served to only increase my tears. I'd been right all along. Heartbreak was all that came of love. It took me so long to convince myself that heartbreak wasn't going to happen this time, that I could stop worrying. And as soon as I did, heartbreak proved all my suspicions true. My head began to throb, the loud thud of my pulse shaking my ears. I laid back on the couch and covered my face with the pillow. The pain in my head increased, and I clutched the pillow to my face. I begged for sleep to overtake me, and hoped that somehow, anyhow, I wouldn’t wake up in the morning.
* * *
That was the end of the road. I never talked to Curtis after that. I think he called once, but I never answered the phone. I saw him in Toronto a little while after it happened, and we never said a word to each other. Anytime we play each other, we act like the other is just another faceless player. I shoot at him anytime I get a chance, and he gloves it and tosses it back down without even a glance in my direction. That's not something I ever expected. When we used to play around, he'd always let me score on him, just to make me feel good. Of course, it wasn't for an actual game then, either. After it happened, I couldn't sleep for weeks. I would lay there in that cold, empty bed, and I could think of nothing but him and how much I wanted to hold him. That's never really went away. There are still nights I wish I could roll over and put my arms around him. After all this time, it still feels unnatural to be without him. So much has changed. He's not the same person I knew back then. But I still can't let him go....
"Do you know why that is?"
I looked up at Dr. Fleischman and she stared at me sadly. I smiled lightly and sat up on the couch. I rested my elbows on my knees and stared at her. "No, why?"
"You don't have closure," She said softly. "If you had told me this entire story months ago, you could've saved yourself a lot of money," She smiled and slipped her pen into the spine of her notebook.
"It's not exactly a story I tell to people I don't trust," I said, leaning back against the couch and straightening out my pant legs.
"Then I'm glad you grew to trust me enough to help you, Ryan," She said sweetly, standing up from her chair. I stood up, and she extended her hand.
"Thank you Dr. Fleischman, for everything," I spoke as I shook her hand.
"It was my pleasure Ryan. I'm very glad I could help you. But you have to go the rest of the way on your own,"
I nodded, and violating all patient-doctor rules, I hugged her. She seemed surprised, but she relaxed into the hug and patted me on the back. When we separated, I smiled and said good-bye. She nodded, and I turned and walked from her office. I walked to my car with a smile on my face. I would miss these weekly sessions with Dr. Fleischman. It always made me feel better to come here every week and get stuff off my chest, even the smallest of things. Today was the first time I'd ever told her about Curtis, and it felt good to let it out. She gave me good advice. It's just too bad I wouldn't be using it. She was right, closure was what I needed to rid myself of this situation. But that's not what I wanted to do. I belonged to Curtis, a part of me always would. And I know, that a part of him belongs to me too. So while we may have reached the end of the road; hell, we reached it a long time ago, I can't let go. It's been years, my life is, in a sense completely different from what it was then. But as long as I have that piece, I'll forever remember my perfect life. And remembering that, I'll always have hope that I'll achieve perfection again.
The End
©2002 Triple X
