Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: June 2002
Revisions Completed: January 2003
Disclaimer: I own no one. This is all fake, so don't sue me.
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Alyn's POV
Part 2: Shouldn't Have
I should be shot. I told myself so many times last night that I wasn't going to let it happen, that I wasn't going to comfort him, because I knew I'd only hurt him in the end. But still, I did it. He was just so sad, so broken, I could barely even look at him without tears springing to my eyes. I couldn't bear to watch him suffer like that, so I did the only thing I knew how. And it worked like it always did. But it was different this time....this time, he said he loved me. And I knew as I stared into those incredible blue eyes that he meant it. I didn't know what to think. All I could manage to tell myself was that I couldn't say it back. That didn't work either. I said it, and then I left him. Walked out like I always did. The one time when I shouldn't have left him, I did. God, I'm a dick.
That's why I'm on my way to Trish's now. She's always one to tell me what a fuck up I am, and that's really what I need right now. Curtis was her best friend, so I knew I would get the earful I desired. I always did. Every time I walked out on Curtis, I could go to her and get bitched at, and leave somehow feeling better. I don't know how, with all that I'd done to her in our history that she was able to give me that. All I knew was that she could, and it was something I sought each time now. I knew that eventually I would exceed her patience, she could only forgive me for oh so long. I tried to stop doing it so it never reached that point, but that was yet another thing I failed at. I hurt Curtis again, probably more than ever this time. Trish is a big tough wrestler now, I really hope she beats some sense into me.
As I pull my car to a stop in her driveway, I see her standing in the window. We share a brief look before I shut the car off and walk slowly up to her door. Before I even get the chance to knock, the door swings open. I smile and prepare to say hi, but I never get the chance as her fist connects with my nose. My world goes blurry, and I stumble down her steps, landing on my back on the asphalt of her driveway. I feel her straddle me and grip onto my shirt.
"How could you, you sorry fucker!" She screamed, punching me again.
By now, I could feel blood rushing from my nose. I try to put my hands up to shield myself, but she nails me again before I get the chance to. I know I said it, but I didn't really want her to beat sense into me.
"God, Alyn! Last night of all nights!" She shouted directly into my face, punching me yet again.
"Trish, please," I pleaded, coughing as the blood trickled down my throat.
She slapped me this time, then got off of me. She disappeared for a few seconds while I tried to turn onto my stomach. For being as little as she is, she packs a pretty lethal punch. I turn over, my vision still blurred, and my nose throbbing painfully. I might not be a doctor, but I know when my own nose is broken. The amount of blood pouring from it is a dead give away. I struggle to a sitting position, wincing at the sight of my own blood pooling in the driveway. As I pull my shirt untucked, in an attempt to stop the blood flow, Trish reappears. She drops a towel in front of me, then turns on her heel away from me.
"Put this on your nose, then get in the house. I'm not done with you," She commanded, walking back toward the house.
Her heels clicked on the driveway as she walked. I sat there for a few seconds, dazed. Eventually, I got enough sense to put the towel to my nose and get to my feet. I really didn't care to have her to come back out here and beat the shit out of me some more. I walked slowly toward the house and pushed past the door. She yelled to me from the kitchen, so I walked in that direction, leaning against the wall to stay vertical. I was feeling kinda woozy, I didn't want to fall and bleed on her carpet. Who knows what she'd do to me if I did.
I walked into the kitchen and she slid an ice pack down the counter toward me. I felt behind the towel to make sure the bleeding had stopped. It had, so I replaced the towel with the ice pack. She walked into the dining room, and I followed. Slowly I dropped down into a chair. Trish sat across from me and her eyes locked on me. I suddenly felt like a little boy who'd been caught by his parents doing something bad. I hung my head in shame and stared at the floor.
"How could you Alyn? Every other time is bad enough, but last night?"
"Trish..." I start, trying to defend myself.
"Trish nothing, Alyn. I can't believe you. Here I go for months trying to convince him you're a good guy, and you pull this shit,"
"Trish, I'm sorry. I feel bad enough about it as it is. I..."
"And why would you say you love him?" She interrupted again.
That's the billion-dollar question. I stared at her and froze. For the first time since OUR blow up, I saw a look of disgust in her eyes. I'd done this to him too many times. She was right, I stepped over the line last night. Last night, of all nights, I shouldn't have pulled this shit. I wasn't going to get my feeling of peace this time, my forgiveness pass had been revoked. I think all I was getting from this trip was a bloody nose. But I deserved it, so I guess it's okay. What's not okay is the fact that I can't answer that; I can see her anger building with each silent second. I can't answer her, I don't know why I said it. It just sort of slipped out. It shocked me to the core when he said it to me. He tried to turn his head, but I forced him to kiss me, and I don't know why. It just felt like the thing to do. And afterward, when he turned his back toward me; I know he wasn't expecting me to say it back. I didn't want to, but I did, and I don't know why. I probably shouldn't have. Or maybe I should've? Hell if I know.
"I don't know," I replied meekly, staring down at the table.
"Yeah, I didn't think you would. I'm disgusted with you, Alyn. This is worse than anything you ever did to me," She said with her arms folded across her chest, shaking her head at me.
"I'm sorry, Trish," I mumbled, my eyes still on the table.
"You can be sorry to me all you want, it doesn't mean shit. You fucked him over big time this time, Alyn. Like beyond repair bad. I don't know if he's ever going to be okay after this, and I hate you for that. I think you need to go, there are too many things I want to do to you right now,"
The tone of her voice is measured and even, which makes me more nervous than it would if she were screaming at me. I look up at her, but immediately turn away from the look seething in her eyes. I can't speak. It's probably better that I didn't anyway, I'm sure she's sick of hearing my excuses. I have no excuses for what I did that would suffice for Trish, or anyone. Fear, self loathing, guilt, those would only work for me.
I get up slowly from the table and set the ice pack down in front of her. She glances at the pack, lightly stained with my blood, but doesn't say a thing. I glance at her again, and still the look of disgust remains in her eyes. I turn and walk toward the door, stopping as I reach it. I sigh as I turn the nob, and make my way outside.
As I reach the driveway, I stop and stare down at a small pool of my blood baking in the sun. I hear the door open behind me, but I'm not brave enough to turn around. I wait to hear her heels on the driveway, and briefly think if I could make it to my car before she could catch me. But the sound never comes. I stay frozen in place, afraid to move, afraid to say anything.
"If you go near him again Alyn, I will kill you. And rest assured, I know the people to do it,"
"Trish..." I start to say, before again she cuts me off.
"Just go,"
I hear the door slam behind me, and that jars me from my frozen state. I shake my head as I walk to my car and fire up the engine. I pound my fists on the steering wheel, and feel heated tears streaming down my face. Why the hell did I really come here? To get a broken nose? To be threatened? To find out for sure if I'd cost myself a friend? I knew from the very beginning that there was no way she could forgive me for this one. I can't even forgive myself for this. I shouldn't have done it, I just shouldn't have. I shouldn't have even touched him, I knew how it was going to end. But when I saw his face, so broken, so destroyed, something came over me. All I could think about was making him feel better. That was really all I wanted.
But, I enjoyed it too. It felt so great, everything about it. But like always, it didn't last long. And as soon as it was over, I was disgusted with myself. In an instant I was reminded that everything about it was wrong, immoral, evil. I hated myself for ever doing it. But now, I think I hated myself even more for leaving him. Last night of all nights, I shouldn't have left him. I shouldn't have even gotten in that position. Everything about this, I just shouldn't have.
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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