Rating: Probably R
Original Date of Completion: August 2002
Disclaimer: I own her, you can't have her. This is all fiction, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. Please don't sue me.
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Trish's POV
I've been having nightmares about the past a lot lately. The last few nights I'd been waking up screaming, snapping out of some wicked old memory. The stair day with Alyn seemed to the most popular. The more I relive it, the worse it gets. I don't remember the physical pain, which I guess is bad with the laundry list of injuries I suffered. I just remember the emotional pain that I sustained that night. I remember laying at the bottom of the stairs, unable to move and having Alyn clamoring around me. His words rang loud in my ears, like some sick old church bell: "Baby, I'm so sorry. Baby, talk to me. Baby, please don't die." I did die that night. A part of my soul died that night, a part I'd never get back. As I lay in the hospital bed, my head throbbing, unable to feel my own arm, I knew my life had changed forever. And it had nothing to do with physical injuries.
Breaking up with Alyn was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I knew it had to be done. After everything happened, I couldn't even look at him without getting sick to my stomach and feeling like my heart was being cut from my chest with a pair of dull scissors. I spent weeks barricaded at my parents house, completely avoiding him. I knew after awhile that I had to be brave, and I finally got the guts to ask him to meet me somewhere. When I broke it off, he cried and begged me to take him back. Like you see on so many Lifetime movies about abuse, he said repeatedly "I'll never do it again." I almost wanted to laugh at him. I was actually happy sitting there, watching him cry and beg me to take him back. I couldn't even shed a tear. I liked seeing him hurt. When Curtis found out, I knew what he was going to do, and I never tried to stop him. I wanted vengeance, in some way or another. He'd shattered my heart and my soul. And I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to feel the pain that I did. I still don't really know if that ever happened.
After awhile, I guess I just got over it. The injuries healed, and I got back to my normal life. Well, not my exact normal life, but close enough. I was just starting out with the WWF, so I was gone constantly. Alyn was on the road with the Leafs, so I never saw him. I think that made it a lot easier. If I had been stuck in Toronto the whole time, I don't think I'd have gotten past it quite so quickly. There would always be someone asking me about him, telling me they saw him, or seeing him myself to hinder the process. Being gone from home was a blessing in that instance.
By the next time I saw Alyn, I was healed enough to actually approach him and talk to him. It was in LA sometime in November 2000. Me and a couple of the girls went out to a bar after a show, and he was there with pretty much his entire team, as well as a lot of the Kings. When we walked in, they hooted and hollered at us, and we all rolled our eyes and walked right past them. But I remember hearing on the way by "Hey, shut up. That's my ex girlfriend, she deserves better than that." That was the first time Alyn had brought a smile to my face in God knows how long. I knew right then and there that I was going to have to talk to him that night, or I'd never rest. So I waited awhile until a few of the guys left, then went over and sat next to him.
He almost choked on his beer, which made me laugh despite myself. He gave a look around the table, and everyone got up and walked away. I smiled and he sat up straight in his seat and stared at me. We talked for like three hours, and by the time we were done, everything between us was as resolved as it could possibly get. From that moment on, we were as close to friends as we could ever get with our history.
Then he started what he did to Curtis. I dealt with it for a long time, over a year. But this last time was the last straw. He didn't even hurt me this time, yet I still attacked him. I surprised myself that I was able to even talk to him afterward. I did, although not for very long. But then I started to feel bad. I got a sudden attack of conscience screaming at me "Trish, you shouldn't have hit him." Of course, my conscience doesn't know how to shut up, and started rambling about all this other stuff about how I should help him. I didn't know why. I was not letting him hurt Curtis again. I'd played that game for over a year, talking his ass up every freaking time so Curtis would forgive him. I was done with that. But still something said to me that Alyn needed my help. Something told me that he was having issues that he couldn't deal with on his own. And that same something told me that it was issues I'd dealt with myself. So what it came down to, who better to help him than me? Except maybe for a licensed psychiatrist who could give him happy pills.
So after agonizing with this for a few days, I talked to Steph to see what she thought I should do. She said I should talk to Alyn, and she'd even set it up for me. There was no disagreeing with that, so I agreed, and she called TSN and got the satellite hook-up. I had to do an interview for one of their shows, but it still got things over with quickly, which is what I wanted. I knew if I didn't talk to Alyn immediately, an entire trip to Cuba would be ruined, and I'd have the WWE breathing down my back because I was too preoccupied to look sexy and take pictures. I had to clear my thoughts, and the only way to do that was to let Alyn know just how I felt, and where I stood.
So that led me here, to a cramped television studio, with perverted old men staring at my chest, waiting for the satellite feed to be established. When it finally came in, I sat there staring silently at Alyn. His nose was swollen to twice it's normal size, and that made me kind of queasy knowing I'd done that. 'He really deserved it,' my mind piped in. I shook those thoughts from my head and sighed.
"I don't really know where to start," I said quietly, taking a seat on a stool in front of the satellite monitor.
"Trish, I'm sorry," He said quickly.
I sighed and shook my head. "Dammit Alyn, I wish you would stop saying that. I've heard that from you too many times. The words have seriously lost all meaning to me coming from your mouth," I snapped
His eyes widened, and he stared at me like a deer in headlights. He looked like he was going to speak, but stopped himself. I didn't mean to snap like that, it's just...just nothing, I shouldn't have done it. But hearing him say those words over and over and over had killed them for me a long time ago. I haven't honestly believed those words out of his mouth since long before the stairs incident. He may have remorse for his actions, but he was never sorry. If he were ever actually sorry for them, he wouldn’t repeat them.
"Alyn, I didn't ask you to do this to yell at you. Well, maybe I did, but not completely," I rambled, shaking my head at myself.
"What did you ask me here for, then?"
"To apologize. I shouldn't have hit you,"
He snorted a laugh and touched his nose, wincing slightly. "I deserved it. I figure I owe you about a hundred more shots like that, then we're even," He winked.
I laughed lightly and shook my head. "You owe me a lot of shots, but I don't plan to collect on them. Because I want you to stop fucking up, so I don't have to,"
His eyes dropped from the screen and stared down at the floor. This was standard practice anytime Alyn and I spoke now days. He could never look me in the eye when he'd done something bad, I felt like his mother.
"Trish, I really don't know what to say. I thought I could stop what I had with Curtis, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop, and I don't know why."
His voice was cracking, and it became clear why as I saw him reach up and wipe his eyes. As I watched him like that, a realization occurred. I knew why now. It became blatantly obvious, and I wanted to kick myself for never thinking about it before. Instead I rushed to all the conclusions, and passed all the judgement, never even giving a thought to what Alyn's motivations really were. I couldn't believe I never picked up on it sooner. He was always so upset the next morning when he came to me. He cried almost every time. I should've known there could've only been one reason he felt so badly. I, more than anyone should've known. I'd been there, I knew what he was like. How could I be so blind? I took a deep breath and pushed a piece of hair from my shoulder.
"Alyn," I said softly. I paused and thought of how I could say it without freaking him out. If he chose to be in denial about it, this conversation could turn ugly very quickly. But fortunately, ugly conversations with Alyn were something I had a lot of practice at. I sighed quietly and decided to go with whatever came to mind.
"You love him," I said simply.
He raised his head slowly until his eyes locked with mine. If we were having this conversation in person, I'm sure I would've reached over and yanked him into a hug. He looked so defeated, so pained. The look in his soft blue eyes was enough to make me feel like the biggest bitch to ever live. It was obvious this was something he'd struggled with for awhile. I was so quick to condemn him for what he did, without even thinking that he may be having some kind of issues that made him act the way he did. I didn't even take the time to think of how this could affect him. With everything I knew about him, his family, everything, I never even gave it a thought. God how could I be such a bitch? One time I really could've been there for him, and I break his nose instead. I was so quick to judge people. If I hadn't done that this time, it could've saved all of us a lot of pain. I feel the tears slipping down my face, and reach up to wipe them away as I notice Alyn drop his eyes back to the floor.
"I do Trishy," He said quietly through his tears. "But I don't want to,"
"Alyn...."
"I can't love him Trish. I've hurt him enough, I can’t love him,"
"Alyn....."
"I can't hurt him. I can't hurt him like I did you,"
"Alyn, look at me," I said sternly. I waited patiently for his eyes to reach mine. When they did, I took a deep breath and began speaking. "If you love Curtis, you have to tell him. And I don't mean whispering it to him after sex. You owe it to him. If you can't love him, that's fine. But you do love him, and he has to know, or neither one of you are ever going to get past this,"
"I....I don't think I can," He sniffled, looking down at the floor again.
"Alyn, you have to. If not for Curtis, than for yourself,"
"It's not that," He sniffled and pulled up his shirt to wipe his eyes. It was then I saw the scars gracing his stomach, and cringed at the memory they produced. I closed my eyes and squeezed tears from them. They rolled slowly down my face, dripping from my chin. I didn't even make an attempt to wipe them away. In this situation, crying was necessary. I really wished now that I had talked to him before I left Toronto, or at least waited until I got home. I wanted to just toss my arms around him and tell him everything would work out. Not that he'd probably believe me, but it would make me feel better.
"Then what is it, Alyn?" I asked softly.
"I can't tell him, and have him know, and not be with him," He choked on a sob, and I heard him whimper softly, covering his eyes with his hand.
"Alyn...." I started, pausing to again think of what to say. "I can't give you any words of comfort here," I said truthfully. "You hurt him, very badly. He loved you very much, he probably still does. But I don't know if he can trust you. After he heard you say those words, and woke up in an empty bed, it crushed him. I don't know if he can forgive that. But the only way you're going to find out is to tell him,"
A silence fell over both of us as I finished talking. I watched him intently through the monitor. His body shook with tears, but I couldn't hear them flowing. I felt so helpless sitting there watching him. But there was nothing I could do or say in this situation that would make things any better. This situation was just between them. It was their hearts involved, it had nothing to do with me. As much as I hated feeling helpless, knowing both of them were hurting like they were, I knew now I had to step back. If they ever wanted to get past this, they had to work it out on their own. Solving their problems through me just wasn't going to cut it anymore.
I stared at Alyn sadly, fighting to think of something to say. Unfortunately my mind was blank, and I had to sit and watch him in pain without a single word to comfort him. As much as I've said I wanted to see it, as much as I've hated the very breath he breathes, seeing him hurt like this was not something I enjoyed. I wished I could just pull him into my arms and tell him how to make everything better. But this was one time I couldn't do that. But I couldn't sit back and watch him suffer like this. I sighed and inched closer to the monitor. As I did, Alyn slowly lifted his head and looked deep into my eyes. The look in them ravaged my heart. I prepared to speak, but was cut off with a sniffle.
"Trish, I have to tell him," He sniffled at the finish of his statement, and again wiped his eyes with his shirt.
I smiled and put my hand on the monitor. "I'm glad you know that, Alyn. For both of you,"
"I've gotta do it right now, before I lose my nerve,"
He looked absolutely frightened, but still a determination I've seen in him so many times lingered in his eyes. I smiled at him and nodded my head. I didn’t speak, just mouthed the words "Go." He smiled lightly, and removed the microphone from his shirt. I watched him walk out of my sight, then pulled the microphone from my jacket and sat it on the stool. I walked out of the studio and told one of the dirty old men I was going out for some fresh air before my interview. They nodded and said something in Spanish, then I walked outside, feeling a lot happier than I had in a long time.
* * *
"Terri, fuck off!" I screamed, burying my head under a pillow.
I had been enjoying the best sleep I'd had in weeks, when suddenly I was awoken by a bellowing knock at my door. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was Terri, since she was the only one here with me. And I would kill her for waking me up, eventually. But right now, I refused to get out of bed.
"Housekeeping, you want towel?" Terri asked irritatingly, imitating the movie Tommy Boy.
"Yes, give me a towel to choke your skanky ass. Leave me the hell alone, I'm trying to sleep!"
"Housekeeping you want pillow?,"
"Terri, I swear to God if you do not shut up, I am going to come out there and deflate your boobs,"
I heard laughter through the door, and from the sounds of things she wasn't alone. I sighed and sat up in bed. I laughed at myself when I realized how I must look in my dolphin pajamas and my hair thrown up in the messiest pony tail ever in the history of the world. 'Oh well.' I told myself. 'Whoever she is with, I don't need to look good for anyway.' I stepped out of bed and slowly made my way to the door. I opened the door, and my jaw hit the floor as I saw who was standing next to her. There before me, clad in the ugliest Hawaiian shirt ever stood Curtis. He dropped his bags to his side, and pulled me into a hug. I was so shocked; I don't think I even hugged back. He pulled away and smirked at me.
"Surprise!"
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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