Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: July 2002
Revisions Completed: January 2003
Disclaimer: I own him, you can't have him. This is all fiction conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. So yeah, don't sue me.
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Curtis' POV
There should be a law against making important decisions when you've got other things on your mind. Because right now, that would really help me out. But unfortunately, there is no law. I have to make the most important decision of my life when I want to do nothing more than to lay in bed with a pint of Mint Chocolate Chip and watch The View until my eyes pop out of my head. Hockey shouldn't be this hard.
Well, I guess for most people it isn't. Most people don't have all the things weighing on a decision like I do right now. Most people don't have an image to think about. Most people don't have to worry what to do about charities. Most people don't have to think about all of the pain caused by a teammate. That's the one thing I wish I didn't have to deal with. I could deal with my image, and I could deal with charities. It's him that gives me trouble.
Alyn. As much as I tried to, I couldn't vanish him from my mind. Every single time I thought about him, my heart would ache. Then my brain would tell me how stupid I am for ever letting him hurt me. I knew how he was. I was right there the entire time he did what he did to Trish. After he'd pushed her down the stairs, I'd almost killed him. If Mats hadn't pulled me back, I probably would've strangled him right there in the locker room. But then, no less than five months later, I was in bed with him. Never let it be said that I'm not a forgiving person, obviously.
It was just so, well, I don't even know what it was the first time we slept together. It all caught me by surprise. I'd basically cost us a game against Montreal, and I was kicking the hell out of myself for it, like I always do. Then Alyn came up and sat down next to me. That was the first time we'd spoke since I'd attacked him after the stairs incident. We talked for almost an hour in the locker room, long after everyone else had left. Then somehow, we wound up back at my place. And well, you can use your imagination after that.
My conscience killed me the whole time. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it. I shouldn't have even been talking to him, not after what he did to Trish. But everything he did that night succeeded in making me feel better, and I'm not even talking about anything sexual. Just the way he talked to me, the way he looked at me, it erased any thoughts of the game from my mind. Then when he kissed me, it was like I melted. Any tension I had for anything immediately drained away. It felt so good to be in that place. That place where nothing existed, and I was completely at peace. It didn't take me long to figure out how Alyn had brought me there. I didn't want to admit it, and for awhile I didn't. I was too busy dealing with my conscience. Then it happened again, and again, and you guessed it, again. Each time, my conscience got a little bit quieter, and I was able to start thinking more about it. And then one night on a plane ride back from Florida, I finally said it. Of course, no one was around me, and I was the only one awake, but I'd said it nonetheless. I was in love with Alyn. I didn't know wether or not to shoot myself, or explode with joy.
That was a decision I didn't take long in figuring out. Trish got injured, and was back home on a consistent basis. It didn't take long for me to break down and tell her everything. Well, not everything. I never told her that we'd been sleeping together for three months by the time I told her. I had a hard enough time telling her that it happened once. I barely talked to her for the three months it happened. She was on the road with the WWF, er, "WWE", and I was on the road with the Leafs. And when we talked, it was most certainly not about Alyn. But when she got injured, I knew I had to tell her. Just thinking about that caused my conscience to come roaring back into play. I decided pretty quickly that shooting myself was the more appealing option. I felt like I was betraying Trish with what I felt, and that was a feeling I hated. There wasn't really another way to feel though, I was in love with a guy who smashed her heart. By the time I got up the courage to tell her, I was bawling my eyes out. But in typical Trish fashion, she made everything okay, and I was able to hang the phone up with a smile on my face, and a non-heavy heart. For that brief period of time, I actually thought it was okay that I was in love with Alyn.
Unfortunately, fortunately, depending on how you view it, that didn't last long. Our times together became more frequent, and as they became more frequent, he became colder. Sure, before, he left every morning without a word. But he'd still smile and talk to me in the locker room. It was never an in depth conversation, but it WAS Alyn after all, I didn't expect one. But he stopped talking to me completely. There were no more smiles or "Hey, how you doing?" There were barely words at all. It became nothing more than a few simple kisses in the locker room, and a couple hours of sex, followed by him leaving in the morning, and me feeling disgusted with myself. Every single day it was the same thing. And every single day I hated myself a little bit more.
It kept on happening until the playoffs this year. Over a year of being used, then discarded and treated like trash. I had no respect left for myself. Every time I was away from him, I'd convince myself that I was done with it, I wouldn't let him use me anymore. But then he'd approach me in the locker room, caress my arm, maybe kiss below my ear, and I'd be his for the taking. I was never able to say no. I loved him. And being with him took me to that peaceful place where I longed to be. But once the playoffs rolled around, the self loathing started to affect my play, and for the first time ever, I was able to tell Alyn no. For almost two months, I was able to resist him, and I regained a little bit of self esteem. But then came what I've since dubbed "THE loss" and all of that fell apart. A few simple kisses, a caress of the arm, and 20 minutes later we were in my bedroom.
That night was different. My conscience never spoke up. My mind was filled with only one thought from the first second Alyn touched me; I had to tell him. I don't know why I felt that way then, and I still don't now. I almost wish I hadn't told him, because now I wouldn't be aching like I do. He'd said it back. Then he'd kissed me, and I'd spent the rest of the night wrapped up in his arms. I thought then that it'd all paid off. All the months of pain had been worth it, because Alyn loved me too. And then I woke up. Woke up in an empty bed, with no sign of Alyn, as usual. Instantly, it was like everything fell apart. I was reminded of the game, of possibly leaving Toronto, of all the shit with Alyn, everything hit me all at once, and I cracked. I bawled for hours upon hours. I'm pretty sure I passed out at least twice from crying. Once I was able to calm down, I called Trish and let her know everything. She'd begged me to come over, but I denied. I needed to be alone, if only to wallow in my own self hatred.
And that's just what I did up until today. When my agent called, I realized that the world must go on. I had to push Alyn from my mind, and concentrate on my career. I had a big decision to make on wether or not to leave Toronto. Unfortunately, that decision involved a lot of Alyn. I don't know if I could handle seeing him every day. But more so than that, I don't know if I could handle leaving Toronto. I'd wanted to be a Maple Leaf my whole life. I'd worked so hard creating a perfect life for me here. But it turned out not so perfect in the end. Everything that had happened in the past year screamed for me to leave. But my loyalty demanded that I stay. There were so many offers on the table, but the only one I'd even looked at was Toronto. I didn't want to leave. But I didn't want to stay. This was really one of those fucked if you do, fucked if you don't situations.
If there was an easy way to decide this, I'd do whatever it took. I'm sick of spending every hour of every day agonizing over this decision. Like I said before, hockey shouldn't be this hard. I shouldn't have to make this decision with Alyn still fresh in my mind. Because right now, after reliving all the hurt and pain he caused me, I'm ready to say hello New York. And that's not what I want making my decision for me. I just need to clear my head. I need to get as far away from Alyn and Toronto as possible. Maybe then I could decide just what it is that I want and not have my decision based on outside pressure.
I walk over to my computer and open up my email. I search through some fan mail until I locate the email Trish had sent me earlier. With a click, I open it up and stare at her words. They suddenly seemed like the answer to everything.
Hey Hun,
I've got a Divas shoot in Cuba for the next week or so. Story of my freaking life right, pictures pictures pictures. You're more than welcome to come down there and keep me sane. In fact, I think it would be good for you to get away for a few days. You deserve the vacation, and I deserve someone more than Terri to keep me company. So think about it, okay? See you soon.
Love,
Trish
Well Trish, I've thought about it. And this decision required no agonizing whatsoever. I picked up my phone from the desk and hit my speed dial #6. I turned off the computer as I waited for someone to answer. When someone finally did, I wasted no time in stating my purpose.
"My name is Curtis Joseph, and I'd like to book an immediate trip to Cuba,"
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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