Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: June 2002
Revisions completed: January 2003
Disclaimer: I own Trish, and you can't have her. This is all fake, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. So yeah, don't sue me.
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Trish's POV
He's broken. There is really no other way to say it. Over the year he'd dealt with Alyn, he'd developed tons of little cracks. But last night, the cracks became too much, and everything shattered. I knew the feeling, Alyn had done the same thing to me. And it took years for all the pieces to be glued back together. Even when they were, they weren't in the right spot, and some were still missing. If I were a better best friend, I wouldn't have let that happen to Curtis. I knew what Alyn was like more than anyone else, and still I let Curtis press on. Fuck, I pretty much pushed him along. If I had any fucking clue why I did that, I'd let you know. I've never hated myself more.
I knew what the call was about even before I rolled over in bed to answer. The second I heard Curtis' tears, my world went red with anger. I'd done that to him. I'd convinced him Alyn had changed, that he could trust him. In all honesty, I actually believed he did. He was sleeping with a guy, that had to count as a change. But in the end, I guess it really didn't. He was the same old Alyn, just with a different person. He used Curtis, just like he did me. Except afterward he left Curtis, snuck out every time without a word. At least I got snuggles, even if they were fake. And he'd always talk to me afterward, but not to Curtis. At least, not until he got horny again. And for some fucking reason, I would stick up for Alyn afterward. I'd use every excuse I could think of to explain his behavior when I was with him. And I did the same thing every time to get Curtis to forgive him. Why? I guess it was because I knew how much Curtis loved him. And I guess I thought somewhere, deep down, that Alyn might feel the same way. Boy, am I stupid.
After I hung up with Curtis, I completely flipped. The one picture I still had of Alyn wound up chucked across the room, where it put a nice nick in the wall, and threw glass all over my living room. I couldn't even form the thought to care. The only thoughts that ran through my mind were sadistic. I wanted to hurt him. Hurt him like he did me. Hurt him like he did Curtis. Thankfully, in a way, I wasn't able to. A few punches to the face were all I got in before the sight of blood snapped me back to reality. I'm not a violent person, honestly. But the second I saw his face, smiling, something took over. My knuckles ached from punching him. I sat at my dining room table with a blood stained ice pack on my hand. Blood. Alyn's blood. I shuddered at the thought. It bothered me intensely that I'd attacked him like I had. I really don't know what came over me.
"Frustration. Resentment. Bitterness,"
"Steph, will you shut up?" I asked, interrupting her diatribe.
"Anger. Hatred. Love. Take your pick," She continued, choosing to ignore me.
"Whoa, wait a sec. It DEFINITELY wasn't love,"
"Whatever, you know you love them,"
"If I loved them, I wouldn't have let this happen,"
"Trishy, you couldn't have stopped this if you wanted to. You are not..."
"Stephanie, we need you," A voice interrupted from her end of the phone.
"Call me later?" I sighed before she had a chance to speak.
"Actually, meet me online at like 10,"
"Okay, bye bye,"
"Ciao,"
I hung up my phone and stared at it longingly. I wish Curtis would call. I'd begged him to come over when we'd spoke earlier. He was so distraught and so emotional, I was afraid he might try to do something stupid, like I tried to do after Alyn. He assured me that he wouldn't, but I still worried. I probably wouldn't believe a normal person, but I knew Curtis. He was too strong to take the easy way out. He'd have to be to go through all the shit he has and still be around.
A part of me keeps saying I should feel bad for what I did to Alyn. In truth, I do feel bad. I shouldn't have hit him. Violence is not the answer, regardless of what I do on TV. But there's another, louder part of me that says he got what he deserved. That part also screamed for more, so loudly its almost frightening. Even after all he did to me; the lying, the cheating, the trip down the stairs, I still never hated him. But right now, I think that I just might. He'd stepped over the line this time. I don't think I could ever forgive him for this.
And I don't know if Curtis can forgive me. He'd said he didn't blame me for anything, but I'm not sure how much I believe him. After all, I blame me for everything, by all rights he should too. The first time he'd been with Alyn, he called me up sobbing the next morning. The first words out of his mouth were "Can you ever forgive me?" I couldn't help but laugh. Sure, I held lots of resentment and hurt toward Alyn. But I'm not going to hate my best friend for sleeping with him. Especially because I knew for quite awhile how Curtis felt about Alyn. He hated him with a passion after he did to me what he did. But I knew, deep down, the love was still there. That's why when he and Alyn got together that first time, I couldn't feel anything but happy. But when Alyn started with his ways, my happiness slowly started fading. He came to me every time, full of remorse for what he did. And every time I'd cover for him, for Curtis' sake, thinking deep down he'd change. It never happened. Now my best friend was broken. And I let it all happen. That's what I get for having faith in people.
I had so much rage inside me right now, but all I could think about was helping them. Both of them. Curtis was going through a very tough time. He put himself on the line when he'd spoke the words to Alyn, and he had his heart stomped on in return. On top of that, he now had to deal with the possibility of leaving Toronto, his home for so long now. Or the possibility of sticking around, and dealing with so much stuff no one should ever have to deal with. As for Alyn, I don't know what his issues are. But I know that he needs a friend right now. And as much as I hate him at the moment, I'm probably the best suited for the job. Like I said, I knew him better than pretty much anyone in the world.
I don't know why I'm so insistent on helping. It would probably be so much easier to step back and let them handle things on their own. But that's just not something I see myself doing. I feel a need to help them, like it's something I have to do. It's the same feeling I felt the entire time I tried to help them before. I can't explain it, but I have my suspicions. I think Stephanie was right (Hey, there's a first time for everything.) I do it out of love.
TBC
© 2002 Triple X
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