Rating: R
Original Date of Completion: June 2003
Disclaimer: Don't own them, if I did I would have a lot more money in the bank. This is all fake, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. That means this is fiction, and you can't sue me.
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Alyn's POV
Well, I did it. I finally told him I loved him, and I didn't walk away. Why do I still not feel better? If anything, I feel even worse. My face hurts from the tears that have silently flowed while I've been standing here. And my stomach aches, nauseous and throbbing from watching him. He'd done nothing since I'd spoke, except sniffle, and shake with each breath he took. He'd yet to even look at me, or tell me to go away, which made this all the more harder. Standing here, out of sight of his imprisoning eyes made my desire to walk away so much more intense. Walking away was my natural defense system, I'd been doing it since childhood. My mind hissed at me to do it this time, to protect myself and my secrets from whatever was to come. But I couldn't bring myself to, not after I'd come this far. Whatever his reaction was, I wanted it. Maybe then, hell, only then, might I feel better about all of this. Unless his reaction is what he's doing now, in which case I'm packing my bags for the Third Ring of Hell right now. I've hurt him enough by not saying it, if I hurt him more speaking the words...I don't know what I'd do, but I'm sure it wouldn't be good. Not as if I deserve good anyway.
I accepted a long time ago that good was something I was never going to get. I don't know why that is, I guess the Powers That Be randomly picked someone for a horribly shitty life, and I was the lucky guy chosen. I grew up in a broken household, with two parents who knew more about mixing martinis than they did about parenting. I devoted my childhood to playing a game that I thought would never really take me anywhere. In high school, I met the most beautiful girl in the freaking Galaxy and fell madly in love with her, only to use and abuse her for years, until she finally had enough. By then I had one good thing in my life, my career. But the good there didn't last long, because I had to go and fall in love with the goalie.
I couldn't handle it, it was against so much I'd been taught, and it brought forth so many mem...it was just too much. So I used and abused him the same way I did the girl from high school. And just like her, he stood broken because of my doing. I should probably be glad this beach has no stairs; that's one scene from the Trish script that I would fight to the death to stop from ever happening again, with Curtis now playing her role.
A loud sniffle brought me back to my senses. My eyes returned to him, watching as he climbed to his feet. My heart raced in my chest as he turned around and fixed his eyes on mine. Even in the moonlight I could see his pain, his eyes glistening brightly with tears. My stomach throbbed at the sight; I’d never seen him like this before. I knew that it happened, that I'd made him like this too many times in the past. But seeing it for myself made it all so much worse. The nauseous feeling I'd had watching him from behind was almost overwhelming now. My mind snarled at me for putting myself in this position. My feet ached, almost demanding me to walk away. I fought back all the thoughts and feelings, knowing deep down I had to face this for either of us to move on. But as he began to speak, it took every ounce of strength I had not to walk away and put an end to both our pains.
"Why are you here?" He shouted through a sob. "Did you come all the way here just to fuck with me some more? Do you hate me that badly?"
"I don't hate you at all," I whispered in reply, staring down at the sand. I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes with my thumb before continuing. "I love you, Curtis,"
Before I could've even got a chance to defend myself, his fist connected with my eye and I hit the beach. My eyes tear up instantly, cloudy as I tried to focus on the world around me. He hit me, that was the one reaction I didn't expect. It's not that I didn't think him capable of violence, believe me, I more than anyone knew he was. I just didn't expect him to hit me for saying what I had. I don't know what I did expect. I knew there was almost no way everything was going to turn happy, and he was going to rush into my arms and proclaim his undying love. I'd done too much to him to ever deserve that. I just didn't think he'd hit me. But then again, he was Trish's best friend, I'm sure she'd taught him a few things.
The air fell silent, neither of us making a sound, just staring at each other in silence. I could still see the tears slipping down his cheeks, and my stomach tightened more with each drop. This was harder than I ever imagined. On the plane ride here, I tried to picture what would happen. I never really got a clear visual, my heart wanted one thing, but my head had the sense to know that was never going to happen. I knew there was no way for this to end happy, I'd done too much to him for that to ever happen. I just didn't think he would look like this. I'd never seen him so broken before; he looked like someone just killed his puppy. And that someone was me. I'd put him through even more pain by trying not to. I didn't want to hurt him again, and instead he looked more hurt than I had ever seen him. What a great guy I am. I really need to give up on love. Maybe then I'd stop hurting people, and this nauseous feeling would finally go away.
"You love me?" He sobbed, throwing his hands in the air. "Of course, why didn't I realize that?" He shouted, smacking his forehead. "You hurt those you love this bad, I completely forgot. Maybe if you threw me down some stairs I would've known all along,"
I winced at his words, drawing a sharp breath and releasing it in a slow, labored sigh. "Curtis..." I started, stopping when I realized I don't know what to say.
I could see his glare through the darkness, and heard him sigh as he wiped at his eyes. That desire to run came back, throbbing in my feet and legs, urging me to leave and protect myself. It took all I had to combat it, to stay standing there watching him in such obvious pain. His voice had been filled with such anger, it was like a seismic wave shot through me with every word he said. And when he'd finished, my heart and throbbing legs remained standing in his wake, both aching for completely different reasons. My heart wanted me to reach out to him, pull him into my arms and kiss his tears away, the way I should've done the first time Trish told me of his pain. I wanted to so badly, but my limbs refused to budge, unable to overcome the opposite feeling holding captive my legs. So I just stood there, watching, waiting for him to make a move.
I knew deep down I could force myself to move, to take him in my arms like I wanted to. But in the pit of my stomach one feeling bubbled, keeping me from even stepping near him. Fear. I was scared. Not of what he might do to me physically, I could definitely handle the pain. I was scared of what he might say. I had too many buttons to push, I didn't want him to nail one and have this turn into a mutual shouting match. I deserved everything he could throw my way, and really had no right to throw anything back. But my temper was easily set off. He could accidentally press a button, and things could turn ugly fast. That's the exact opposite of anything I wanted to accomplish. I wanted to end his pain, not cause more if it. Yeah, I wasn’t doing such a bang up job of that so far. But trust me, it could be worse. You needn't look anything further than Trish for proof.
"How fucking pathetic do you think I am?" He shouted. "Do you think that my life just can't go on unless you say you love me? Newsflash asshole, I don't need you. You can say those words all you want, they're hallow. You don't understand love, not even the tiniest little bit. What kind of fucked up relationship must your parents have had?"
I sighed, clenching my hands into tight fists. That was one of those buttons I spoke of, quite possibly the worst one. If my life was a cartoon, my parents would be the red button with the "Do Not Push No Matter What EVER" sign. I didn't deal well with them, in fact, I tried not to deal with them at all. There were so many memories I've tried to repress. I only thought about them when they were brought up to me, which thankfully wasn't often. But when they were, especially in this way...I only hoped I could control my anger.
"Curtis," I spoke softly, staring intently at the sand. "Please,"
"Please what, you son-of-a-bitch?" He snarled.
"Please...Just..."
"Just what?"
I paused, wracking my brain to find something to say. Nothing came to me; my mind was overrun with too much emotion to form any clear thought. I wanted to do nothing more than run away right now, find somewhere to be alone and cry like the little boy I felt like. It wouldn't be the first time I'd done that tonight. That's how I'd wound up on this beach to begin with. When I'd got to Cuba, I'd still had my nerve, so I'd went straight to the hotel that I knew Trish was staying at. But she of course wasn't there. That had killed any nerve I'd had, which left me feeling scared and lost, and left me questioning why I was even there to begin with. So I'd went wandering along the beach to clear my head, hoping to find my nerve, but instead just wound up psyching myself out even more. That had pushed me to tears, which had led me to these rocks. Then Curtis, and Trish, and the other one had shown up, and somehow that had restored my nerve. It lasted only long enough to tell Curtis how I felt then went scurrying away, back into hiding. Standing here right now, face to face with him, with no idea of what to do or say, I wished it had taken me with it.
"I don't know," I mumbled, kicking at the sand.
"You are so fucking pathetic," He snapped, shoving me. "First you come all the way here, just to tell me a bunch of bullshit words I don't even fucking believe! Then you can't even tell me WHY you came! You can't even fucking look at me when I talk to you! You are one hell of a guy, Alyn. Your parents must be proud they raised such an asshole."
For a brief instance my mind went black, taken over by rage. The thought of stopping briefly crossed my mind, but I didn't have time to act on it before I found myself lunging forward, shoving him harshly to the ground. He unleashed a string of curses as he pulled himself up to a sitting position, fixing me with a glare. I reciprocated with a glare of my own, latching my eyes onto his as I spoke.
"Did you take lessons from Trish on just what to say to me?" I shouted, throwing my hands into the air.
He glared. "You leave her out of..."
"Shut up!" I snapped. "Do you want to know why I'm here, Curtis? I'm here because I THOUGHT it was the right thing to do. I THOUGHT that maybe if I just told you that it wasn't about hurting you, and that I did always love you, that maybe we would both be okay. I guess I was wrong," I rambled, shrugging my shoulders.
He blinked in confusion, pausing for a moment before speaking. "Alyn..." He started as he climbed to his feet.
"I wanted to love you that whole time," I interrupted, turning away from him. "But I couldn't do it. Do you know why?" I asked loudly, emotion breaking my voice.
"Tell me," He whispered, stepping close to me.
Hesitantly, he placed his hand at the small of my back. I tensed instantly at the touch, but to my surprise didn't move away from it.
"My father," I spoke, choking on a sob. "When I was little, he used to..."
"Oh Alyn," He murmured, sniffling, rubbing his hand in a soft circle on my back. "You don't have to finish. I..."
"No," I interrupted again. "I can say it," I took a ragged breath, clenching my hands into fists as I prepared to tell him something I never thought I would. "When I was little, he used to...touch me," I sniffled, wiping furiously at my eyes. "More than touch, actually. And all while he did it, he would tell me how wrong it was, how evil it was making me. That's why I always treated you the way I did. I couldn't handle the way I felt about you, and the things we did...they all reminded me of him, and everything he used to say. I'm so sorry, Curtis,"
By the finish of my statement my entire body was enveloped in sobs, and I could hear him sniffling behind me. His hand was frozen on my back, the soft circles he was rubbing died off at some point while I was speaking. I was afraid to turn around and face him, afraid of what I might see. There were very few people I had ever told about my father; my mother, the police, the judge that convicted him, and all of them had reacted with something in between horror and pity. I didn't want to see either one of those from Curtis. I didn't want to see those from anyone, but the others were long in the past. Curtis was here right now, standing just inches behind me, sniffling, with his hand resting on my back. I didn't want pity, I didn't want to see the horror on his face, I just wanted the truth to be known. For his sake. And for my own.
"Alyn," He whispered, rubbing his hand again along my back. "Please look at me,"
I refused to let my mind predict what was going to happen, fighting back all the vicious thoughts my brain tried to produce. I just turned around slowly, sniffling, and bringing my eyes hesitantly to his. My eyes were barely on his when I saw him lean forward, and felt his lips press to mine. I gasped in shock, trying to pull away, but feeling myself pulled closer toward him. I submitted quickly to the kiss, leaning into him as it lingered on. A part of my mind demanded explanation for what was happening, but I couldn't bring myself to listen to it. As the kiss grew longer, bolder, any cares I had began to drain away. My tears dried up as his tongue swept into my mouth, and as his hands slipped beneath my shirt, pressing against the bare skin of my stomach, I could think of nothing but him. It was amazing the effect he had on me.
I went almost blindly through the motions of what happened next, on some bizarre form of auto-pilot. Clothes were lost, discarded messily to the beach around us. We dropped down onto the beach together, and from then it took no time at all for me to be inside him. I was lost further as I began to thrust into him, my memory focusing solely on our past. This happened every time we were together, nothing else existed, there was only him, and only pleasure. When I was with him, I was in a world where pain didn't exist; it was the greatest place I had ever been, and it only got greater the more I went. As I reached orgasm, exploding deep inside him, I asked myself if that world I was talking about was that of love. I had to wait only seconds for my answer.
"I love you, Alyn," He whispered, kissing my temple as I collapsed down against him.
I smiled against his neck, pressing a soft kiss to the sweat slicked skin. "I love you, too, Curtis,"
His arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly to him. I sighed in contentment, nuzzling his neck as I let myself slip from him. His lips pressed briefly against my forehead, before I slid down and rested my head against his chest. I felt him sigh beneath me and closed my eyes, using his rhythmic breathing as a lullaby to guide me quickly into sleep, at complete peace for the first time in years.
* * *
I shivered as I woke up, the cold air sailing in from the ocean dancing across my bare skin. I reached behind me for Curtis, but my hand connected with nothing but sand. I turned over slowly, dreading what I knew would be there. Nothing. He was nowhere to be seen, his clothes were gone from where they'd been thrown, and mine sat in a pile beside me. He'd left, like I'd done to him so many times. But after last night...My mind raced, searching for some way to feel. No clear emotion could be decided upon, so I just sighed as I sat up, running a hand through my hair. There was only one thing I can bring myself to think about all of this; turnabout was fair play, and I deserved every bit of it.
Now I knew what it felt like to be alone, how I'd made him feel too many times to count. This feeling sucked, it was no wonder he hated me. Or at least, I assumed that was why. But there was a more likely scenario than that; my explanation had been just an excuse for hurting him, and it finally pushed him to the point where enough was enough. I guess I'll never really know for sure what he reasons were, he was gone. And I was left like he had been so many times. Alone. Completely, and totally alone.
TBC
© 2003 Triple X
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