Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: July 2003
Disclaimer: I own no one, wish I did. This is all fiction, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. So please, don't sue me. I don't own any of the songs that appear in here either. They are property of their respective artists, record labels, etc.
*********************
Trish's POV
"We walked along the beach. What a moonlit night," I sang as I walked along the beach, digging my feet in the sand as I walked. "He held my hand in his. He kissed me. He said 'I wanna spend my life with you... I want you for my wife.' Just then I thought. What about the times you lied to me. What about the times you said no one would want me. What about all the shit you've done to me. What about that, what about that. What about the times you yelled at me. What about the times I cried, you wouldn't even hold me. What about those things. What about that, what about that."
It's hilarious to me that I can't walk along a beach without Janet Jackson's song "What About" popping in my head, and bringing Alyn along with it. It's a pretty fitting song to do that, in all actuality. The choruses in it really speak to our time together. What about the times you lied to me...What about the times you slapped my face...What about the times you kept on when I said "no more please"...What about the times you said you didn't fuck her, she only gave you head...What about that? That about sums up our entire relationship. The first verse is what makes the beach so significant, and what makes me think about Alyn. After all, we met on a beach, and right now I'm walking around one looking for him.
I was up all night, waiting to hear from him or Curtis. As drunk as I still was by the time Terri and I got back to our hotel, I sobered up pretty quickly thinking about what could've been going on between the two of them. I kept calling the desk clerk every 10 minutes to see if there were any new messages for me. I kept expecting to him to say "Yes ma'am, the police just called. They have your friend in the ugly Hawaiian shirt in custody for murder." As funny as that may sound, I was seriously preparing myself to hear it, or something like it. It finally occurred to me when we were about a block away from our hotel that I shouldn't have left them unsupervised. Both of them had bad tempers, and Curtis was drunk, on tequila, which made anyone mean. Something as heavy as their situation could've easily led to a brawl. I tried to turn back and go find them, to prevent a brawl and all the other horrible scenarios that ran through my head. But I didn't get very far before Terri stopped me; she can be surprisingly convincing for such a midget. She told me to just wait, and let them sort everything out on their own; I told her her boobs were lopsided, but listened anyway. It drove me absolutely insane from the hours of 3-6:30. That was when I'd heard the knock on the door, and nearly killed myself trying to get it.
Terri was standing there when I opened it, and my first instinct was to strangle her. But before I had the chance to, she told me she'd seen Curtis carrying his suitcase downstairs. I'd never rushed past her so fast in my life, not even when she was drunk and giving details about her sex life with Dustin. The insanity I'd developed waiting up all night had carried me quickly downstairs, mowing over people in the process. I'm lucky I did that, because I caught Curtis JUST as he was boarding a taxi.
The second I saw him there were tears in my eyes. He looked so...Broken isn't even the right word. He looked beyond broken, beyond shattered, beyond destroyed into itty bitty specks of Curtis. He looked like I had never seen him before, not even once in all the years I'd known him. He looked dead. His eyes, THOSE eyes, had no fire left in them at all; they were almost black. His skin was grey, pasty, if it wasn't for the sunburn glowing all over, I wouldn't think it living. He looked so solemn, stoic, like the life had been sucked right out of him. My mind raced with reasons why, possible scenarios that had occurred once Terri and I had walked away last night. I didn't like a one of them, but they all seemed to result in Curtis looking the way he did. I kept telling myself though that I was just being paranoid, and Curtis would assure me that they talked, reached some kind of decision, and nothing bad happened. I didn't even get a chance to start believing that.
When I caught him, just as he was stepping into the taxi, he just looked at me and never said a word. I asked him what happened, and he never said a word. He just stared at me sadly, emptily, and blinked. I pressed on, frightened, begging him to tell me what happened. That was when he decided to speak. But it wasn't in response to anything I said, and I couldn't even make sense of it at all. He just stared up at me, emotionless, and said "I know what I have to do now. Thank you for bringing me here." Then he shut the taxi door, and rode away in a cloud of dust, while I just stood there dumbfounded. I had to have stood there for five minutes, trying to make sense of everything he'd said. Then it just hit me, like Lita's knee when she blows a spot. He was leaving. Not just Cuba, but Toronto as well. He was leaving his problems behind; he was running away from Alyn.
The second that thought crossed my mind, a question was formed: what on Earth could've happened to warrant running away? What could've been said between them to finally push Curtis to the point where enough was enough? It had taken me being thrown down stairs to finally reach that point. Alyn wasn't an easy person to break away from; there was something about him, like some kind of magnet that held you to him. The only way to break a magnet's hold is to push away from it, then reverse the polarity so it can't pull you back. That's exactly what Curtis was doing, or at least that's what I got from his words. It was too late for me to find out what exactly were his plans, he was long gone. But I hoped to at least get closer to an answer by talking to Alyn. That was what brought me to this beach, singing a Janet Jackson song while I traveled on a so far unsuccessful search for Alyn. If I didn't find him soon, I might have to result to Hair-bands. Can you imagine me singing something like Poison?
"Unskinny bop, just blows me away. Unskinny bop bop, all night and day," I giggled as I walked, thrashing my head around. "Never let it be said that I'm not a complete and total dork," I said to myself, running a hand through my hair to straighten it.
"That's for sure,"
My head shot to the side, and there I saw Alyn, sitting amongst a bunch of scattered rocks. It occurred to me quickly that these were the same rocks from last night. I wondered for a moment if Alyn had ever left, or if he'd spent the whole night here. Judging from his clothes, wrinkled and sand covered, I was betting he had.
"Alyn," I spoke softly, walking toward him. "What are you doing out here, it's 7 AM?"
"I got a great deal on the room," He joked, kicking at the sand.
I smiled weakly, sitting down on the boulder beside him. He smiled weakly himself, then turned his gaze forward, staring out over the water.
"What are you doing out here, Trishy?" He asked, keeping his eyes on the water.
"Looking for you,"
He snorted a laugh, turning back toward me. "Why? You should know by now I can take care of myself perfectly okay,"
'If I knew the answer to that question, I'd tell you,' I thought to myself. In all the time I've known Alyn, there has been no other word I've hated more than "why", except for maybe the phrase "I'm sorry." No matter how often I tried, I could never explain why in reference to him, no matter what the situation. I couldn't explain why he did the things he did, I never could. I could never explain why I put up with them when they were happening to me, and definitely not why I ever allowed him to do them to Curtis. But most of all, I couldn't explain why, after everything he's put me through, after everything he's done, why I still cared.
I've asked myself a lot of times if it's out of love, and that's the biggest possibility. I don't love Alyn in that way anymore; hell, I don't love any man in that way anymore. But I do love Alyn, in some strange, fucked up sort of way, the way that gives me this need to take care of him. I guess that was why I was here, in all honesty. I may have thought when I started my walk this morning, that I just really wanted to find out what had happened, and I did still want to. Curtis would normally tell me, but today he'd just shrugged me off, and walked away with his emotions locked up. And I just let him. But that was one why I could answer. I knew Curtis was strong, I knew he could handle anything on his own, even if I didn't like to let him. That's one of the many places he differs from Alyn. Alyn needs to be taken care of, he needs someone to watch out for him. There's always been something about him that makes me maternal, even when I was just some stupid high school freshman. That was the biggest why I couldn't answer, that feeling was unexplainable. But it was there, and if the stair incident didn't make it go away, nothing ever would.
"Because I care about you?" I asked softly, nudging his knee with my own.
He laughed bitterly. "One person in the whole world," He said as he got to his feet. "Hundreds, thousands, of people in my life, and the one that cares about me is one I threw down some stairs? If that doesn't scream how fucked up I am, nothing does,"
I stared at him in confusion, brushing my hair from my shoulder. He paced around in front of me, kicking at the sand as he did. I had never seen him look so...I can't even describe what he looked like right now; that’s becoming a common theme for me today. He didn't look like Alyn. There was always a smile hiding somewhere beneath the surface, a twinkle brewing in his eyes, even when he was at his worst. But right now, I couldn't see either of those things. He just looked so...defeated, like he'd given up on life. Once again, I asked myself what possibly could've happened between them. Curtis had walked away, and I was all but certain he was walking away completely the second he returned home. And now Alyn...he looked like he'd tapped out in the sharpshooter of life. Curtis was never one to run away from his problems, and Alyn was never one to give up; but both of them had done just that this time. Had whatever happened been bad enough to warrant that? Only one way to find out, I suppose.
"Alyn," I said softly, brushing a hand through my hair. "What happened with you and Curtis last night?"
He sighed, stopping his pacing, and turning slowly back to me. He stared sadly and jammed his hands into his pockets. I tried desperately to gauge his emotions, but nothing shone through. I was growing a strong dislike for men today, or at the very least men who couldn't show their emotion. Stoicalness was annoying, especially in the case of these two. I knew something huge had happened, I knew them well enough to be able to recognize that. But neither one of them seemed too keen on letting the details be known. I guess maybe that could be the universe's way of telling me it was none of my business; the Powers That Be telling me 'Hey Trish, mind your own fucking business!' Luckily for me, I never listen to the Powers That Be. Though I guess maybe if I did a long time ago, all of this wouldn't be happening. If I could just learn to stay out of things...a lot of people might be better off. But it's just not in me to let people around me hurt. That's why this was so damned annoying right now. Neither one of them may show the pain, but I know it's there. I can just tell. It's the mommy in me.
"Everything," He spoke plainly, staring off past me.
And nothing at all,"
I blinked in confusion, crossing my arms across my chest as a stiff breeze blew through. "What does that mean?"
"It means," He sighed, biting at his bottom lip.
"That it's over," He shrugged his shoulders, turning again away from me.
"Alyn..."
"The battle is over, Trishy," He turned around and flashed a weak smile. "You fought valiantly, but it just wasn't in the Cosmic Script for you to win this one. It's over now,"
He turned away from me again, and slowly he began to walk away, staring out into the ocean. He dragged his feet as he walked, kicking up sand, much like you'd see a child do. I just stared for a moment, trying to make sense of what he'd said. Sense could only be applied to one part of it, the last part of it. It was over, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that meant. The battle was done, they were over, whatever they'd had was finished. They'd reached the point where enough was enough, that was the result of whatever had happened last night. Suddenly the details didn't seem as important. The aftermath was all around me, and it came with a pretty simple explanation. The fight was over. The battle was lost. I'm not sure how that makes me feel.
I hate losing. But they were one of the toughest battles I've ever fought, and I've had some tough ones in my time. For years I'd waged battle, essentially, against Alyn. And eventually I came out of it a winner. I fought some small battles after that, against curriculum, against sexuality, against Jazz, but none of them were nearly that hard. And always, I came out a winner. I thought for a while that my hardest battle was behind me, and it was just minor quarrels from then on. Then Curtis had told me about Alyn, and an all out war began. I was a double agent, I fought for both sides. But all I wanted was for everything to turn out in the end, and to be able to claim victory. That hadn't happened; I'd lost the war, and everything had turned out far from okay. But it was over now, and there was some selfish part of me that felt nothing but relief to be able to say that.
I guess maybe I was tired of fighting, which is stupid, because I didn't need to be fighting in the first place. I've always asked myself if they would've been better without me. If I wasn't there to play relay, and mend broken fences every time, would they have even got to this point? Add that to the list of questions I have from these two that I just can't answer. I don't know if they would've been better off without me, I can't imagine that they could've been much worse, but I guess I'll never know. A wise man told me once to not worry about stuff in the past, because odds are it was going to stay there anyway. What's done is done, what's over is over, I guess. That's what I'm going to force myself to believe in this case.
It would probably drive me slowly insane not knowing the details, but the bigger picture here was much more important. They were finished, whatever that really meant. There would be no telling what that meant for both of them, or what that caused for both of them; I'd just have to sit back and wait, and hope that whatever happened, I could help with. But for now, I got to just sit back, and wait to see how things unfolded.
The battle was complete, and I lost. Somebody find me a party hat, I think I want to celebrate. At least until I find out exactly just what happened, and just what it means for both of them. I have a bad feeling I'm going to be like Hulk Hogan, and still fighting (for these two, anyway) well into my 50's. I might not fight for them together anymore, but separately, you bet your ass. Stephanie really was right (she'll be thrilled to hear it) when she said I do it all out of love. I love them both, even after everything that's happened, more than I love almost anyone on Earth. And because of that, I'll fight for them to the bitter end. But for now, the battle was over. I could relax and enjoy myself now, at least for a little while. Too bad Terri is still here, or I'd have a blast at doing that. It's been a while...
"It's been a while," I sang, smiling as I walked along the beach. "Since I could, hold my head up high..."
© 2003 Triple X
Read On...