Rating: PG-13
Original Date of Completion: June 2003
Disclaimer: Don't own him, but I will one day. This is all fake, conjured in the confines of my demented little mind. That means it's fake and that you can't sue me.
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I know there is a rainbow
For me to follow
To get beyond my sorrow
Thunder precedes the sunlight
So I'll be alright
If I can find that rainbow's end...
Mariah Carey "Rainbow"
Used Without Permission
I hate darkness. I wish it could be bright all day long. If I could sleep with the lights on, I would. Because when there is light, everything just seems more...I don't know. Happy, I guess. I'm more happy in the light. In the light, I don't think about bad things. I just smile, and go about life like there is nothing bad in the world. It's not until the darkness comes that I finally allow myself to even think about bad things going on in my life. It's not until the darkness comes that I admit I hate my life.
I am Tomas Holmstrom. You might know me better as the guy who stands in front of the net and takes the goalie's cheapshots for the Red Wings. I'm sure I make it look like such a glamourous position, all of the world knows me and wants to be just like me. That right there was what we call sarcasm. The facts are simple, on this team, a guy like me barely gets noticed. I had to go out and score 20 goals just for some fans to realize I still played for the team. I've been here for almost 10 years, three Stanley Cups, 538,964 goalie cheap shots, and still no one really notices me. That really does suck. But that's not why I hate my life. Quite frankly, with my life the way it is, I'm glad I don't get noticed. It gives me more freedom to mope, and not have to worry who sees me.
From the outside looking in, it probably appears like I have a good life. I play for one of the best teams in the world, I make good money, I have success at what I do. All of that is well and good. It's the personal aspect of my life that sucks. See, I'm gay. I haven't been for all that long, only a couple of years. But in that time I've been in love twice, two VERY different loves with two very different guys. And neither of them was all that great. It's hard to decide which one was worse. As far as I'm concerned, both of them were bad, in their own way. I just cared more about one than the other.
The one I cared more about was the second one. But I can't really talk about that one without first talking about the first, can I? Besides, the first is when all the fun started anyway.
I was 27 when I first realized I was gay, and I owe that all to Kirk Maltby. One day, out of the blue, he decided I was trustworthy enough to know a secret he'd been carrying around for a while. No, that wasn't when he'd told me he was gay. That happened after we won the Cup in '98, when I'd invited him out to celebrate with me and some girls from back home. He politely declined, and when I asked why, he just told me straight up he was gay. It wasn't really that big a deal, it's not like I didn't already have my suspicions. He was incredibly hot, and rarely ever did he date. And he had more Julia Roberts movies on video than any straight man ever would. So I'd always had my suspicions, and that night he just confirmed them. It didn't change our friendship at all, if anything it made it a little bit stronger. That was why I didn't think anything when he told me on a road trip in San Jose, that he had something important he wanted to tell me. That something important he had to tell me would forever change my life, which is just a little bit weird I guess, because it didn't even involve me.
That night was the night he told me he was in love with Kris. And also the night that I started to wonder if maybe, I could quite possibly be gay, because it upset me to hear Kirk talking about loving Kris. I couldn't explain why it bothered me, and for a while I didn't even try to. Then as I was going to sleep one night, in the dark, I started thinking about how I felt about everything Kirk had told me. It made me feel like I'd been punched in the stomach, or almost like I was being betrayed. I tried to tell myself at first that it was just me being stupid, and that I was just jokingly upset because he loved Kris and not me; at least if he was going to love one of his straight best friends, it could've been one that wasn't married. But even as I thought that, my stomach twisted and churned in disagreement. It was then I realized why I was upset. I was upset because Kirk loved Kris, but not because he should've been loving me. I was upset because I loved him.
That was a bitter pill to swallow, I didn't even swallow it that night. All I swallowed that night was vodka from the mini-bar. I swallowed vodka for quite a few nights after that, in fact. I might still be doing it had Scotty Bowman not found out, and threatened to make me room with him if I didn't stop drinking. Needless to say I stopped pretty quickly. Stopping though proved to be just as bad as it would've been to room with Scotty, if not worse. Without the alcohol, I could think about everything clearly again, and that depressed the hell out of me. After 27 years of life, I was starting to wonder if maybe I was gay. And on top of that, I was realizing that I was in love with one of my best friends. But he didn't love me in return, this I knew, because he confided in me, and only in me at the time, that he was in love with Kris Draper. It was not the most pleasant of things to be going through, let me tell you. I was confused, hurt, annoyed, and violently depressed all at the same time. I wasn't a good guy to be around back then.
That didn't stop anyone, though, Nicklas Lidstrom in particular. Not that I expected any different, Nick was my best friend, and he was far too paternal over his friends. He began hanging around me constantly, always asking if I was okay, and not believing me when I told him yes. One day I'd finally had enough of it, and when he asked me what was wrong, I yelled at him that I was gay. He literally gasped when I said it, then just stood there dumbfounded and stared at me. I thought for certain he was going to hate me; being gay wasn't exactly an accepted thing growing up in Sweden. But he never reacted badly. When I started crying and begging him not to hate me, he finally shook himself from his trance, and pulled me into a hug. He assured me that he was never going to hate me, and nothing was going to change, and that everything would be all right. Those were really good words to hear, as long as Nick stuck by me I was sure I could handle anything.
He did, and I did. For a while, he was the only one who knew. He really helped me get through the first couple months. He listened to me, he talked to me, he supported me completely through everything. I never did tell him about Kirk, because a part of me still didn't want to admit it. And as time went on, Nick got more comfortable with everything, and he and his wife started trying to set me up with guys. I never showed interest in anyone they introduced me to, because most of them were freaks. And really, a ridiculous part of me deep inside kept hoping that Kirk would just magically get over Kris one day and want me. I knew if I expressed interest in Kirk, Nick wouldn't rest until we were together. And knowing Kirk didn't love me in return, there was no reason to even waste the time. So I just lived the single life for a while. That is, until the 01-02 season began.
When that season began, there were a couple of new additions to the team. Brett Hull, Dominik Hasek, Fredrik Olausson, to name a few. But there was one who, to me anyway, stuck out above the rest. Luc Robitialle. I didn't know what it was that made him so special; at that point he was just another future Hall of Famer being added to a team with at least 5 already. Yeah, he was approaching 600 goals, and had a chance to become the highest scoring left wing in NHL history by the season's end, but goals don't really impress me. Shanny scores goals, and he's not special at all. There was just something about Luc that drew me to him, like a magnet or something. I couldn't explain it for the life of me at first, he was just an ordinary guy like everyone else. He was a really nice ordinary guy, granted, but that wasn't enough to give him that special pull on me that I felt. There had to be something else there. But since I couldn't explain it, I just went with it, in hopes that it would reveal itself eventually.
Eventually turned out to be the night he scored his 600th goal. Everyone was really excited for him, champagne magically appeared, it was like an impromptu party. Everyone was congratulating him, and telling him how he only had 11 more to go to beat Bobby Hull's record, while he just smiled and modestly shrugged off their praises. As excited as I knew he was, he looked almost sort of annoyed with all of their praise, and predictions of when he'd break the record. That was why when I got my opportunity, I pulled him away from all of their clamoring out into the hallway, with no other intention than to congratulate him myself, and to give him a break. Little did I know that doing that would further change my already changed life. I'm having a moment right now where I'm not really sure if it was for the better.
To make a long, complicated, and boring story short, Luc kissed me that night. It was a shock and a half, to say the least. But it explained in only 5 seconds what I had spent months trying to figure out. The reason I'd felt that pull to Luc, was because I recognized a bit of myself in him. He was still struggling with being gay, just like I was. He'd called himself bi for most of his life, that's how he's got the insanely hot wife, and the kids. But right before he'd come to Detroit, SHE had told him that SHE was gay, and that she couldn't be with him in that way anymore. That had led him to questioning himself, which led him eventually to realizing that he was gay too.
It was a difficult adjustment to make, just as it had been for me. And when he'd got to Detroit and met me, he'd felt that same sort of pull that I did, and that had just made everything more difficult. I echoed his sentiments exactly on that, and on a lot of other things he said as the night went on. The more we talked that night, the more we realized we had in common. By the end of the night, we had explained everything we were going through to each other, and the other completely understood. They were like mirror situations, just altered a little bit, it was kind of weird. I think that made it easier for us to get together. I guess we figured that since we were going through the same things, we could help each other get through them, and everything would be perfect. We liked each other, we understood what each other was going through, everything should've been clear sailing.
Or so we thought.
In the end, the only real similarities we had were playing for the same team, and struggling with the gay thing. But once the struggles were over, it left us with just the team thing, and that's not enough to keep a relationship afloat. That's not to say though that we didn't try, or aren't still trying. I really do love Luc. It took me a while to realize that, but I do. As time went on, and we were together, the love I had for Kirk started to fade, and the love for Luc started to grow. It was a relief to have the feelings for Kirk go away, but at the same time it was a frightening situation to be falling in love with Luc. He loves me too, which really is the greatest feeling in the world. But sometimes, it's just a hard relationship to take. Loving each other doesn't change the fact that we have nothing in common. We are complete and total opposites, and that leaves us quite often with nothing to talk about. And that, in some completely fucked up way, makes us think that fighting is okay, because as least then we are talking. We talk a lot, if you believe in that theory.
It's almost accepted practice by now, for both of us. I wonder sometimes, at night, in the dark, why I still put up with it. Or why he still does. No matter how good we make each other feel, we still make each other feel bad just as often, if not more. The simple fact remains however, that we love each other. And both of us believe that that can help us weather any storm.
For the most part, I guess it has. It's been over a year now that we've been together, and despite countless fights, we've only "broken up" one time. All that really happened that one time was using having a pissing contest, to see who could bed the hotter teammate, with the sole intent of hurting each other. I got Jiri, he got Boyd, I think I won, to be a bigger asshole for a moment. That whole contest definitely worked for what it was supposed to, except that we weren't the only ones that were hurt because of it. Jiri and Boyd were complete innocents, and we pulled them into the tornado that was our relationship, spinning lies and hiding the truth just to get what we wanted. We got it, at their expense, and hurt both of them in the process. It took a lot of work from both of us to even get them to talk to us again, and even then I'm not 100% sure they really liked us. Jiri hasn’t dated since, and from what I hear he doesn't want to, because he's afraid all men will turn out like I did. Knowing that makes me feel so much better about my relationship with Luc, let me tell you. No one is safe from our wrath, I guess. But I shouldn't really be surprised about that, we were hardly safe from it ourselves.
I've only felt real love once in my life, with Luc. Admittedly then, I have no experience, and have no idea how love really works. For all I know, the way we are could be the way things are supposed to go. I've heard a million times "with love comes pain." There is a lot of pain in our relationship, so maybe we really are normal. I'd love to believe that, but I just can't. I look around me and see all the happy couples, and I know THAT is normal. That is the way me and Luc are supposed to be. That is the way we will never be.
Sean and Dandy are nearly our mirror image, on paper anyway. Sean is a bit of both of us, struggling so much with being gay. He had such a hard time with it, he would have random freak outs at all of our "Gay Posse", for no real reason at all. Except in the cases where he slept with them, where I guess then he had a reason. We all tried to help him accept it, but he wasn't having it. That is until Kirk presented him with Dandy. On paper, Dandy is Luc, to a more severe degree. He'd been hurt repeatedly in the past, just as Luc was when Stacia announced her lesbian intentions, even if he won't admit that hurt him. Dandy never wanted to love again, he was too afraid that he would just get hurt again. But apparently, he decided Sean was worth the risk, because they were ecstatically happy now. They were a perfect couple. They bought each other random gifts, they fed each other in that annoying cute way couples do, they held hands, they stared all googly-eyed at each other at all points in the day, and giggled all the while. They never fought. They never made each other cry. They were us on paper, but not anywhere else. They were REALLY in love.
Steve and Shanny, I don't have to say anything about them. They are the perfect couple, after six years of being together. They bicker back and forth, all the while staring at each other in that special way that says 'I love you' without actual words. They purposely try to annoy each other, just so they can make up later on. They look out for each other, protect each other, even glow about each other quite blatantly to the media. Oh yeah, and there was that one time, after Shanny scored the empty net goal in the Cup clinching game last year, when they rolled around and nearly had sex on the ice. They are so incredibly in love, they could be the poster children for Valentine's day. They are just like a married couple, who after 40 years are still as in love as they were when they were teenagers. If anyone on this team ever has a commitment ceremony, it will be them. They are REALLY REALLY in love, anyone within a five-mile radius of them when they are together can tell.
Then there is Kirk and Kris, the perfect 'best friends fall in love' story that you would see on Lifetime. They aren't supposed to be so perfect. Their situation is supposed to be complicated, they are supposed to be having all kinds of problems. Kris has been gay for less time than all of us. He had a wife that he was very much in love with, up until the time Kirk presented himself; she was never a cover-up like Steve's wife always had been. He had the perfect little family, and Kirk had so many issues about breaking it up, they were supposed to be miserable, even as much as I might not want that for them. But instead all they do is laugh and smile, and sneak little kisses in the room when they think no one is watching, and have stupid little contests to prove who loves who more. As much as I love them both, I hate them. They are so disgustingly sweet, it gives me a toothache (in the ones I have left) just to see them. If I have to hear them say Stop your lying bitch, I love YOU more" one more time, I'm going to snap. They aren't supposed to be like that. They aren't supposed to be so in love. They aren't supposed to make me jealous.
Yes, jealous. I admit it, it wouldn't really do me any good to deny it. I'm jealous of all of them really, I want what they have. I want my relationship to be sunny, and cute, and happy like all of theirs. I want to look at Luc the way Shanny looks at Stevie; like he is the entire world, the sun, the moon, the sky, the air, everything, my reason for being. I want Luc to cling to me the way Dandy does to Sean, like he’s afraid I'll disappear if he lets go; I want to know he’d care if I did disappear. I want us to smile, and giggle, and make stupid jokes with each other like Kirk and Kris do. I want us to be happy. I want us to be REALLY in love, so much so that the entire world can see it. I want us to give the world toothaches. I want us to be them.
But I know by now that we never will be. We are just us, we can't be anyone else. Maybe we are fucked up; actually, no maybe about that, we are fucked up. Maybe we will never be the perfect, sunny, happy couple. Maybe we are destined to do nothing but fight and hurt each other. Maybe that really is the way love is supposed to be for us, I don't know. I don't know what the future holds for us, or why the present is the way it is, or why we did the things we did in the past. I can't explain the things that have happened in my life, and especially in my relationship. There is only one thing I know for sure in this entire situation, and that's how much I love him.
Regardless of what happens to us on a daily basis, no matter how much we fight, or how many hurtful words we throw at each other, I still can't look at him without getting that fluttery feeling, and thinking to myself how much I love him. I question us a lot, at night, in the dark; if we were meant to be together, if we are "normal", why we put up with all the bullshit we do. And every time I do, I come up with the same answer. We love each other. And it may be stupid, or childish, or one of a million things for us to think it, but we both believe that that will pull us through anything.
My mother always used to tell me, when I would get scared of storms back home, "efter varje ovader, en regnbage vilja visa sig." Loosely translated, that means "After every storm, a rainbow appears." It's those words that keep me hanging on. Things in my life may be stormy right now, but I know that sometime, eventually, a rainbow will appear. Knowing that is enough to keep me fighting through anything, even through the times when I want to give up. What can I say, I always listen to my mother.
END
© 2003 Triple X
