[The PPV opens with the camera on ECW’s Sinister Minister, who is dressed in his red suit. The scene is not very visible, as it is a close-up of him.]
MINISTER: When you hear the word “Anarchy”, many things come to mind. For guys like Tourettes, it’s a way of life. And for guys like Triple H, it’s just another part of “The Game”. It’s in our music. It’s on the Internet. And some have tried to make it a form of government. Music is a vital part of wrestling, thanks in part to ECW. The Internet...well, let’s just say it’s the bastard child of wrestling. And the government? Fortunately, the government has no control of wrestling! So when you think about it, Anarchy is ever-present in wrestling. So why is it the name of this PPV? What’s so special about this PPV? Is it the battle between WZW & “The Network”? Is it the battle of the giants, Sid, Kane & the Total Package? Is it the cultural war between the Rajun Cajun, Lash LeRoux, & the Farting Fiend, Faaq? Is it the war between the unlikely Hardcore champion, excuse me, the NEW WZW Hardcore champion “Duh Ruffneck” Malcolm Jacob Affleck III & the King of Narcotics, Wasted Youth? A 6 man archaic battle? A futuristic cage match named after Uncle Karl’s favorite weekend spot? No, there’s nothing this PPV is about, other than the almighty dollar! (cackling) HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[The camera pans out, showing Mikey Whipwreck burning a briefcase full of money, & rolling in laughter.]
CKF: Hello everyone and welcome to War Zone Wrestllllliiiinnnggg!!!!
[Fans boo & chant “EC-Dub! EC-Dub!”]
CKF: What’s your obsession with greasy tubs?
[Fans chant “F--- off Clyde, f--- off! (clap clap)”]
CKF: Anywho...We’re here LIVE in the ECW Arena in Philadelphia, PA for WZW’s April Anarchy! I’d like to say a few nice things about this arena...I really would!
[Fans boo & chant “Nipples! Nipples!”]
CKF: But now, I’d like to introduce someone who helped WZW come here tonight, & then kick his ass for helping us come here...Commissioner Starro X!
[The lights go out, & when they come back on, Starro X is caught somewhere in the crowd, near the front row. ECW’s Hat Guy & other fans are holding him back. Mr. Black runs over & uses a spray bottle on the rowdy fans, who let go of “Da Commish”. Starro X ducks a beachball being tossed into the ring & grabs the mic.]
STARRO: Well, first off, I’d like to note that besides that jerkass who likes to feel up men more than Uncle Karl...
[Buncha boos, after all, no one likes being compared to Uncle Karl!]
STARRO: ...there’s a lot of special people in the audience tonight! Why, there’s Rob Zombie’s li’l cousin, & his band, Powerman 5000!
STARRO: They’re mostly here for ECW, I guess...
STARRO: And we’ve also got that hot li’l vixen, Terri in attendance! I knew she couldn’t resist me! And up at the entranceway, it’s an old face, one we last saw in a nightmare! Since we’re low on security, he’s our NEW WZW Head of Security, Ralphus!
[The camera goes to Ralphus, who smiles his 3 toothed grin & waves to the crowd. An anrgy fan tackles him & the crowd chants “EC-Dub! EC-Dub!”]
STARRO: And over hnya, these tough guys, the ones who aren’t drunk, are some new WZW wrestlers!
CKF: Is Hat Guy one of them?
STARRO: No, Clyde! Now, you may ask yourself, “Self, why would WZW put some newbies in the front row of a ‘PPV’?” Well, Starro X has the answer. It’s a WCW rip-off. I mean, that’s true, but it adds a little to this announcement: starting next Saturday, WZW will have a 16 man tournament, ending at WZW Revenge -- May 27th, only on PPV :) -- to crown a NEW TV champion!
[Crowd GASPS like they swallowed a spoon.]
CKF: A Jewish TV champion???
STARRO: I said NEW, not JEW! Besides, Heyman isn’t out here...
CKF: Badda-bing!
STARRO: Teehee, but seriously, these newbies, whose names I don’t have the time or patience to announce, will take part in it! As well as 2 old faces, the returning sYn & Red Rocker! It’s a great opportunity, as last year’s North American title tourney also started the careers of some big time playas!
[Just then!]
CYRUS: Excuse me...excuse me...
STARRO: I thought I smelled a fart!
CYRUS: It seems to me that this kind of behavior doesn’t exactly shine pretty upon The Network! You’ve got scantily clad females in the front row, poor excuses for wrestlers in the back, & language that would incite riots in an Amish Country!
[Crowd cheers on that one.]
CYRUS: So on that note, Starro, It's time for WZW to bend over for The Network!
STARRO: Well Cyrus, Mr. “TNN”, once again, I have to remind you that we’re not on TNN! This is a PPV! So grab a hold of that, assneck! And we’re not EC F’N W, we’re WZ Frickin’ W! [Turns to camera] And this...is...
CKF: Well, now that I FINALLY got to my broadcast table, I can announce tonight’s card! Like you didn’t know when you paid $2.99 to see it! Tonight’s card is:
[The lights go out & pyro shoots from the cornerposts as Kane’s music plays.]
CKF: HELLFIRE & BRIMSTONE!!! Jeezy Creezy, I miss that!
ANNCR: This bout, scheduled for 1 fall, is a 3 way no holds barred match! First, from Death Valley, along with Paul Bearer, weighing 319 lbs, Kane!
CKF: Kane got into a “scuffle” last week with Sid. and with the Total Package thrown in the mix, this should be a hard-fought match!
[Total Package’s music plays as he & the Coach come out, with the Coach blowing his whistle obnoxiously.]
ANNCR: Next, along with Coach, from Chicago, IL, weighing 275 lbs, the Total Package!
CKF: Coach officially “retired’ from “wrestling” earlier this “week”. Quote-unquote.
[Psycho Sid’s music plays]
ANNCR: Finally, from West Memphis, AK, weighing 318 lbs, Psycho Sid!
CKF: And as Sid charges the ring, the match starts! Kane thrusts at Sid in the throat, & then chokes him in the corner! The Total Package attacks Kane from behind & holds him for Sid! Big boot to the jaw by Sid. The Psycho lifts Kane for a piledriver, & Package spikes it! Package pats Sid on the back, & get clotheslined to the floor for his troubles! Sid whips Kane off the ropes, but gets caught w/a flying clothesline!
CKF: Outside the ring, Package grabs a chair, which is legal in this No Holds Barred match! Kane executes an arm ringer to Sid, followed by a short-arm clothesline! Package in the ring; chairshot to Kane, but he’s unaffected! Package nails him again, & Kane goes down! But as Package gloats, Kane sits up! Package is stunned! Coach barks orders. Package charges & nails Sid w/the chair! Kane nails Package in the throat, & grabs him! Chokeslam to the Package! But Coach pulls him out! The fans don’t like that one!
CKF: A bloody Sid stands up, & attacks Kane from behind. Another irish whip; Kane blocks the big boot & hits a chokeslam! But no pin! Kane turns to Package & Coach, who stand in the aisle. Kane climbs the buckles! Air Kane! He attacks Package & Coach on the floor! Kane chokes Coach, but Paul Bearer stops him? Why? Paul is motioning to the ring! He wants Kane to finish off Sid!
CKF: Kane stesp over the top rope & grabs a bloody & groggy Sid by the throat! Chokeslam #2! Kane gives the sign for the Tombstone! Can he scoop him? YES! Kane hits the Tombstone to Sid! 1...2...3! The Big Red Machine gets the win!
ANNCR: Here is your winner, Kane!
CKF: The Total Package ponders entering the ring, but he & Coach think better of it! They leave as Paul Bearer enters the ring with his monster, Kane!
BATES: I can’t believe that WZW would let some of these schmoes join their ranks!
DEBATER: Tell me aboot it. I’ve been working for 6 years trying to join this fed, & there’s no telling how these guys got in!
BATES: Actually, the fed’s only been running for over a year, maybe a year & a half.
DEBATER: Oh, like you’d really know better than me! I’ve been watching since 1994! Way back when it was called the AWA!
BATES: Right...
DEBATER: Anywho, these jokers probably went to Uncle Karl to get their jobs, like you did for me.
BATES: Please, I’m still trying to forget!
DEBATER: And this arena isn’t exactly brining up the buy-rate for this PPV! We could match WCW Worldwide ratings if we were somewhere better!
BATES: Like where? The Guelph Gardens?
[Debater & Bates look at each other & have a nice laugh.]
DEBATER: You have a nice personality, but not for a human being...
[Just then, an unknown person walks onto the scene, carrying a...barbwire plunger?]
DEBATER: What the smack? That’s MY weapon!
???: Like Hell it is, bi-atch! You know who the Hell I am?
BATES: Loch Ness?
DEBATER: The Booty Man?
???: You wish I was yo’ Booty Man, chickenshit! You know that I’m the Notorious T.I.D., and this weapon, the barbwire plunger, is a gimmick you stole from me!
DEBATER: Well listen, K.I.D., you run your mouth like you’re The Masked One? Well, the Debater says there’s 2 things you must be concerned with: your role, know it...
BATES: ...and your mouth, shut it?
DEBATER: Why’d you cut me off like that?
BATES: You stole that from The Rock!
DEBATER: You liar! The Rock hasn’t even been on TV since right after Hardcore Hangover!
BATES: Not on WZW, he’s been on...nevermind...
TID: Are you pansy-asses done yet?
DEBATER: Hold on, we’re arguing...
[With that, Notorious T.I.D. nails the Masked Debater with the barbwire plunger, & throws Master Bates against a wall. He knocks nearby things down & leaves. Debater & Bates slowly get up.]
BATES: Well, that’s not the first time you got beat! **LAUGHTER**
DEBATER: Well, you’re usually the one beating yourself!
BATES: I still don’t get that joke...
CKF: The lower than Mexican slaves, buttholio, consarned, dag-nabbed, uncle fudgin’ Network comes to the ring!
ANNCR: This 6 man bout is scheduled for 1 fall! First, from TNN, accompanied to the ring by Cyrus, here is Steve Corino, Jack Victory & Rhino!
CKF: I really can’t stand The Network, but I commend that Victory fellow for fighting with a broken leg! Whadda trooper!
[“Millennium” by Robbie Williams plays]
ANNCR: Their opponents, along with WZW Commissioner Starro X & WZW’s Personal Bytch, Lucas, at a total combined weight of 775 lbs, Cletus, Wolverine & K-Dung!
CKF: Cyrus & The Network are out, as are TEAM MILLENNIUM, with Starro X! Cyrus tells The Network to take over! Steve Corino turns Cletus around & hits a haymaker! Old School hiptoss by Corino, followed by a Futuristic armdrag! But Cletus takes over with rapid punches, whipping Corino into the buckles. Big backdrop by the southern dandy! Tag to K-Dung, who also tosses Corino into the buckles. Rolling clothesline off the ropes by the Dungster! Corino is bleeding...for no reason! Possibly a braineurysm from the stench of K-Dung!
CKF: Corino makes a blind tag to Rhino, as he goes off the ropes. Corino evades an attack, & Rhino gores K-Dung! He knocked his baggy pants off of him! FINALLY! Wolverine makes the save. Rhino seems mad, & he tosses K-Dung rght to Wolvie! Wolverine vs Rhino: who’s bigger? They back into opposite corners, & charges! Double noggin’ knocker! I guess steriods really do mess you up...
CKF: Tag out to Cletus & Jack Victory. Cletus takes down Victory w/a clothesline. Cletus grabs Victory’s foot & drops an elbow! Oh man, Victory is writhing in pain! He’s such a trooper! Cletus whips him off the ropes; boot to the gut, followed by a piledriver! 1...2...save by Corino. Cletus nails Corino, as he steps back on the apron! But Victory hits a low blow to WZW’s “Son of the Soil”. Tag out to Corino.
CKF: The King of Old School, if my card is right, & I doubt it, headlocks Cletus. But the pig farmer hits a sdie suplex! Starro X & Lucas encourage him to get the tag. Corino stops him, & hits an atomic drop, but that propells Cletus’s’s’s’s hand to K-Dung’s! The Californicated Mexican goes buck cherry on Corino! Punches to Victory & Rhino too! The Network charges the ring, as does TEAM MILLENNIUM. Seth the ref can’t see what’s going on!
CKF: Rhino & Wolverine trade clubbing blows! Cletus & Victory trade..clubbing blows. K-Dung sets up Corino for the “Toss My Salad”, but Cyrus hops on the apron! K-Dung grabs him; Cyrus nails K-Dung in the head with his headset! Right into Corino, who hits the Victory Plex! 1...2...3!
ANNCR: Here are your winners, The Network!
CKF: DAMNIT! I guess we shoulda got Uncle Karl instead of K-Dung! He always said Corino was a pretty boy!
[Cyrus runs in the ring & grabs the mic.]
CYRUS: HAHAHA!!! I did it! The Network did it! We’re untouchable, I tell ya! Nobody, & I mean NOBODY, messes with The Network!
[Commissioner Starro X runs in & steals the mic from Cyrus.]
STARRO: You know what Cyrus? No one really cares if “The Network” beat TEAM F’N MILLENNIUM! Jeevus, even I could beat them if I booked myself for the match! Let me reinterate, even I could beat them!
CYRUS: Are you just really bad at promos or stalling? Because we here at The Network can help with promos...
STARRO: No, I’m actually just stalling! NOW!
[With that, Cletus, & Wolverine toss buckets of tar that they HAPPENED to find under the ring (aka they planted them) on The Network! Lucas dumps a bag of feathers on them as the crowd gets a hoot. Lucas gets overexcited, prompting Starro X to toss him in the tar & feathers as well.]
CKF: This is funnier than the Sinister Minister promo! HAHAHAHA!!! Man, them ring crew midgets will have a hell of a time cleaning that mess...ol’ well...
FAAQ: Alright guys, gimme some encouragement! Flush, sing it!
CKF: That was...nasty! Well, up next, a match featuring 2 WZW wrestlers, in the first ever “Bean Store” match! The object of the anything goes match is to be the first to leave the store! Now here’s Lash LeRoux, who stares down the Beaner Bros., the same men he cut open last week! They let Lash pass into the Bean Store, right into a clothesline from Faaq! The match is on!
CKF: Faaq punches Lash a few times in the face & hits a hiptoss on the hard wood floor! Cover, but only got 1! Faaq picks up Lash & places him in a fireman’s carry, but Lash escapes up & over & pushes Faaq into a wall of bean products! Bashes Faaq over the head with a bean basket! 1...2...kickout. Lash hops on the checkout counter & hits a frogsplash to Faaq! 1...2...2 1/2!
CKF: Lash sets up Faaq for a piledriver, but gets backdropped on the spilled beans! Faaq nails Lash with a few rights, followed by a suplex! Right into another wall of bean products! Faaq rips down the massing tray from the “Beans by the Bulk” section, & nails LeRoux across the head! 1...2...kickout. Faaq stomps his opponent relentlessly. Lash is cut open a bit from the tray shot.
CKF: Faaq nails LeRoux across the back w/a broom & hits a side backbreaker. He’s looking around for another weapon. And he finds a box of canned goods! Faaq lifts it with ease, but LeRoux is up! Dropkicks the box of cans in Faaq’s face! Faaq stands up, but slips on a can! This could get messy, because Lash has a can opener! He opens some kidney beans & tosses them in Faaq’s face!
CKF: But the beans just ignite a fire in Faaq! Usually it’s in his belly or ass, but this time, he’s just flat out steamed! Faaq tackles Lash & nails him with rapid punches to the forehead! Faaq whips Lash into a pyramid of cans! Man, the stockboys are gonna have a hell of a time cleaning that up! Hmmm...sounds familiar. Faaq grabs Lash by the hair & sets him up for the FLatulator! But Lash hits a low blow! Faaq walks closer to the door! Lash charges, but Faaq pulls a shopping cart in his way! Lash gets derailed! Faaq steps outside for the win!
[The bell rings inside the arena, as fans watch on the El Prezedon. How’d that thing get in the ECW Arena?]
CKF: Faaq gets the win! He’s outside the store! The Beaner Bros. run to Faaq, but watch out! Chairshot to Flush! Chairshot to The Crap! Who is that? Chairshot to Faaq! Wait, I know who that is! It’s Enigma, a well known wrestler from other feds! What’s his business attacking the Nation of Flatulation?
PREZ: Dammit, Meet, you've won EVERYTHING from me, except these boxers, and I learned the hard way from Uncle Karl to never...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER take off your boxers in front of someone you don't know!
[Just then, the door slides open, and Joel Gerner steps in.]
JOEL: Well, well, well! It's me, Joel "I met Brett Beaken's mom last night. She tried to put up a fight. She talked about incest, but when I was done she agreed, I'm REALLY 'Simply The Best' " Gertner!
PREZ: Tee-hee, that's funny.
JOEL: Hey listen, Prez...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING?!
PREZ (blinks blankly): My boxers.
JOEL: OK...I was going to ask if I could help commentate tonight, but you know what? I think I'd better get the hell out of here!
[Joel quickly leaves, and The Prez goes back to his game.]
[“Dive” by Nirvana plays]
ANNCR: This bout, scheduled for 1 fall, is for the WZW Hardcore title! First, along with Burnout Bob, weighing 228 lbs, Wasted Youth!
CKF: Wasted Youth comes to the ring, along with Burnout Bob, set for a Hardcore title shot! C’mon guys, let put these “Extweem” weenies to shame!
[“Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark plays as “Duh Ruffneck” & posse come out form backstage. Malcolm spits his Naya Pure Spring Water in the air, getting he & his friends wet. Blackman pulls out his gun, but Ralphus, the NEW WZW Head of Security, uses a fire extinguisher on Blackman, then steals the gun.]
ANNCR: His opponent, from West Side of South Central Pennington, NJ, weighing 240 lbs, the NEW WZW Hardcore champion, “Duh Ruffneck” Malcolm Jacob Affleck III! He is accompanied to the ring by Steve Blackman & El Dandy!
CKF: And here comes the referee for this match...Gump the Ump? JIGGA NOOOO!!!!!!
[Burnout Bob grabs the mic from Mr. Black & nails Gump the Ump across the head!]
BOB: No way! You know what, Gump, you’re not reffing this match! Here’s the guy who is!
[Whistle blows as “Walk” by Kilgore plays. The fans cheer loudly, because it’s...]
CKF: Coach?
[...Bill Alfonso!]
CKF: Oh yeah, we stole that gimmick! It’s Bill Alfonso! The man who calls it “right down the middle”. Wait, is that any better than Gump the Ump?
[Youth charges “Duh Ruffneck” & Fonzie calls for the bell.]
CKF: Ol’ well! The match has started, & “Duh Ruffneck”’s “posse” has left the ring! Youth chops Malcolm in the corner & whips him across the ring! Youth runs into a big boot. Malcolm grabs him by the hair & tries a tornado DDT! Youth holds on & hits a northern light suplex! 1 count! Youth hits a swinging neckbreaker, & slides to the floor.
CKF: As Youth reaches under the ring, Blackman nails him across the back w/the kendo stick! I can hear the crack all the way over here! And Sunny isn’t even here! Bill Alfonso gets in Blackman face, & orders him to leave! Blackman puts up a fight, but Fonzie blows the whistle in his face! Blackman leaves, after tossing the kendo stick to “Duh Ruffneck”!
CKF: Youth slides back inside, right into the NEW WZW Hardcore champion’s...umm, vicinity? Malcolm cracks Youth over the head! Youth is down, & he calls for a ladder. El Dandy pulls one out & places it over the middle rope. Malcolm grabs Youth & tosses him against the ladder. Youth is sprawled out against the ladder. Malcolm uncharacteristically climbs the buckles! Leaps & see-saws the ladder into Youth’s face!
CKF: Malcolm is outside celebrating with El Dandy. I think they’re singing “It’s Raining Men”! But Youth slowly pulls up. Dropkicks the ladder to the floor, right into “Duh Ruffneck” & El Dandy! Youth slingshots over the ropes onto both of them! They’re right out in front of the WZW newbies & old faces, who, as Starro X mentioned, you will see next week! Youth pulls up Affleck & tosses him into the ring. Youth gets 2 chairs from the fans, & tosses them in the ring before The Wasted One himself slides inside.
CKF: Malcolm quickly hits a West Side Lariat after playing possum! He sure smells like a possum! Malcolm grabs Youth’s ankles & stomps him “down there”! Affleck grabs a chair & places it on youth’s ankle. He’s gonna Pillmanize him! Malcolm misses a crazy legs kneedrop & hits the mat! “Duh Ruffneck” catches a boot, but recieves an enziguri from Youth’s chair-wrapped foot! Pin by Youth. 1...2...2 1/2!
CKF: Wasted Youth now sets up both chairs in the unfolded position a distance apart. He grabs the ladder & sets it up between the chairs! DDT to the mat by Youth. He picks up Malcolm & lays him acorss the ladder. Youth wasts no time climbing the buckles! What’s this?!? A moonsault onto “Duh Ruffneck” & the ladder! No give by the ladder, which caused Youth to hurt himself a bit!
CKF: Youth calls to Burnout Bob, who runs to the back! Is he getting medical attention? Pot? WHAT??? I dunno, is too de crazy. Meanwhile, Youth pulls “Duh Ruffneck” up. Irish whip; Malcolm counters a backdrop w/a piledriver! Picks up Youth & tries a northern lights; Youth fights it & hits a DDT! Another nice counter!
CKF: Burnout Bob is back, with a piece of guardrail! Slides it inside to Wasted Youth, who places it slanted in the corner. Irish whip by Youth; Malcolm blocks a dreaded hiptoss & headbutts Youth! It hurt the champ too! “Duh Ruffneck” hooks Youth & powerbomb him against the section of guardrail! Uhh...OWW! “Duh Ruffneck” asks El Dandy for something, as Malcolm threatens to toss the chairs in the crowd! Malcolm’s taunting Hat Guy in the front row! But he sits on the chair instead of throwing it! He’s taking a break in the ring!
[Fans chant “Yo Momma Sucks Dick! Yo Momma Sucks Dick!”]
CKF: Hey, the crowd’s really into us! El Dandy has tossed a big ol’ sack in the ring, as well as a table. Malcolm grabs the sack (is this getting weird yet?) & places it in the corner. Malcolm now sets up the table in the middle of the ring, as Wasted Youth recovers. Youth attacks “Duh Ruffneck” from behind & hits the Youth Waster combo against the guardrail! That’ll make Malcolm “Duh Tenderneck”!
CKF: Youth now sets up the ladder near the turnbuckle. He walks over to Malcolm & picks him up, setting him on the table. Wait a minute, behind his back, it’s El Dandy! He’s putting nacho cheese on the ladder rungs! Youth doesn’t see it! Burnout Bob tries to warn him, but Youth ingores him. Youth starts climbing the ladder. He’s slipping, but keeps on going! He’s almost to the top, & he finally slipped! Youth’s face & jaw his a step of the ladder!
[Fans chant “You f-cked up, you f-cked up!”]
CKF: Indeed he did! Malcolm dumps the ladder to the floor & places Youth on the top turnbuckle. Malcolm follows; it looks like he’s going for a superplex! Directly into the table! But not yet; Youth grabs the top rope, & starts punching Malcolm in the ribs! Malcolm tries to not fall, but Youth shoves him! MAH GAWD! “Duh Ruffneck” fell right back onto the table & broke it! That’s going on his bill!
CKF: Youth regains his energy & slinks down to the mat. He’s not done with “Duh Ruffneck” yet. Youth calls for a chair, which Burnout bob provides. Youth places the chair between 2 turnbuckles. It’s near Malcolm’s big, fuzzy sack! The sack in the corner, of course. But Malcolm gets up & splashes Youth in the corner against the chair! Ambush by Malcolm Jacob etc.
CKF: Now in control, “Duh Ruffneck” grabs the bag. What could be in there? Thumbtacks? Barb wire? It’s...a live lobster? WHAT THE HELL??? Oh wait, the rubber bands are off it’s claws! It’s dangerous. Malcolm places it on Youth...& it just...kinda crawls around. The plan didn’t work! Youth gets up & chases after Malcolm! Grabs him by the pants, & puts the lobster in them! Malcolm’s got a python & a lobster in his pants! At least that’s what Uncle Karl says...
CKF: Youth grabs the chair &...to steal a line from Joey Styles, “OH MY GOD!” Youth smacked “Duh Ruffneck”’s muffin ass with the chair! He could have killed the lobster! Malcolm pulls the lobster out of his pants, not knowing they’ve fallen down! Youth goes Sinbad’s momma & smacks Malcolm’s ass with the chair! Youth bends Malcolm over (not that way) & gives the crucifix/bud smokin’ sign! It’s time for The Blaze! Youth hits it on the chair! Fonzie counts! 1...2...3! We’ve got a NEW WZW Hardcore champion!
ANNCR: Here is your winner, & the NEW WZW Hardcore champion, Wasted Youth!
CKF: After that hard fought match, we TRULY have a NEW WZW Hardcore champion in Wasted Youth! And the ECW faithful give them the cheers they deserve! While things get cleared up here, let’s take a look at a video for our next match!
Since April Fools Day, Triple H has had problems with Tourettes, a man he thought he could trust. But Tourettes, while recovering from an injury, felt a rage, whcih would be taken out on Triple H. Along with Brett Beaken & Jeff Hardy, there are scores to be settled with Triple H. Will HHH get any help from his partners, Tazz & Blizzard, who seem to hate each other? Or will they put aside their problems to go against a trio they have a grudge against?
CKF: I’d like to take the time to send my condolences to Mr. Pinchy’s family. Mr. Pinchy, I’ve been told, was the name fo the lobster that tragically died in that last match. That or Sebastian, like the one from the “Little Mermaid”...
[“Spiders” by System of a Down plays]
ANNCR: This Bedlam rules 6 man tag is scheduled for 1 fall! First, from Seattle, WA, weighing 240 lbs, Tourettes!
CKF: That man is pure evil! Where’s my garlic? Oh yeah, I ate it...
[“When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000 plays as Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring.]
ANNCR: His first partner, representing The Saviors, from Cameron, NC, weighing 212 lbs, Jeff Hardy!
ANNCR: Jeff Hardy has seemed like Tourettes’ evil sidekick as of late.
[“Guerrilla Radio” by Rage Against the Machine plays]
ANNCR: Their partner, from Cincinatti, OH, weighing 279 lbs, Brett Beaken!
CKF: Beaken took Triple H to the limit last week, & with no rules tonight, he may take everyone to the limit!
[The house lights go out & are replaced by an orange glow. A flatline is heard & Tazz’s music plays.]
ANNCR: Their opponents, first, from the Red Hook Section of Brooklyn, NY, weighing 240 lbs, Tazz!
CKF: The street fighter, the Human Wrecking Machine, Tazz, comes out first for his trio! But as he does, Tourettes makes his way through the crowd! Where’s he going?!?
[“Iron Man” by Black Sabbath plays]
ANNCR: His first partner, from parts unknown, along with Kirk Jamison, weighing 268 lbs, Blizzard!
CKF: The new look “Rouge Rebel” Blizzard comes out, with his lackey, Kirk Jamison, who is still trying to make up costing Blizzard a battle royal at Hardcore Hangover.
[“My Time” by the Chris Warren Band plays]
ANNCR: Their partner, from Greenwich, CT, weighing 274 lbs, along with the 9th Wonder of the World, Chyna, he is the WZW World champion, Triple H!
CKF: Triple H, in street clothes, slides inside & helps his partners against 2 of the 3 opponents! Right now, Tourettes is out in the crowd...setting up tables? As Hank Hill says, that boy ain’t right! Tazz & HHH hit a double clothesline to Beaken! Double backdrop by Blizzard & HHH to Hardy! Jeff nearly flew out of the ring! Blizzard grabs Hardy; arm ringer followed by a short-arm clothesline. On the floor, Beaken reverses a whip, sending HHH into the steps! But Tazz is there to make up, hitting a release overhead suplex to Beaken!
CKF: Triple H grabs the ring bell as Tazz holds Beaken. DING! HHH rung Beaken’s bell! They toss Beaken inside, as Triple H exits through the crowd! I think he’s going after Tourettes! In the ring, Blizzard stomps Beaken in a corner & Hardy fights Tazz. Hardy boots Tazz in the gut. Hardy tries the HardyDrop, but Tazz hits a double arm bridge suplex! Save by Beaken!
CKF: Blizzard gets a low blow from Beaken, followed by a DDT. Tazz tries a head & arm suplex, but gets kneed in the ‘nards! Hooks Tazz for a butterfly slam & hits it! Jeff Hardy hits the kamikaze to Blizzard! Meanwhile, Triple H is still lost in the crowd! He sure doesn’t know his way around here! Beaken slides to the floor for plundah. Tosses a chair to Hardy, which he sets up. Beaken reaches under the ring & pulls out a table! In the ring, Hardy hits a triple jump moonsault to Tazz! He used the ropes & chair brilliantly!
CKF: Now back in the crowd, Tourettes has sneak-attacked Triple H! They’re going at it, but Tourettes is loaded w/a chain! He hits a right cross to “The Game”! I think he wants to bust him open! Back in the ring, Beaken & Hardy set up a table. Blizzard stands up, but Hardy nails him w/the chair! Tazz gets placed on the table, as Hardy climbs the ropes! Is this the Suicide Senton Bomb? YES! Hardy nailed it to Tazz, putting him through the table! But it hurt Hardy; no pin. But Tazz is fired up! He locks on the Tazzmission on the mat! What stamina! Beaken stomps him to break it up.
CKF: Tourettes has pulled a bloody Triple H back to ringside. Tourettes leaves him there & helps his partners. Blizzard gets pulled up; Tourettes has him for a piledriver, & Hardy spikes it! Cover by Tourettes...1...2...2 1/2! He’s still in! Tazz is now the focus. Beaken & Tourettes hit a side suplex/neckbreaker combo! Beaken pins...1...2...no dice! Once again, it’s a 3 on 2, but the tables have turned!
CKF: And they’re about to get even! Triple H reaches under the ring & grabs...a fire extinguisher! Sprays it in the ring, blinding the trio of Tourettes, Jeff Hardy & Brett Beaken! HHH enters the ring & nails Tourettes w/it! Atomic drop to Hardy! Face slam on his knee to Beaken! HHH pulls Tazz up. Double clothesline to Hardy & Tourettes! Those 4 are now outside the ring!
CKF: Triple H & Tazz toss Tourettes & Hardy over the guard rail & follow. Where are those 4 going? Back in the ring, Beaken & Blizzard are pulling up. Beaken misses a superkick; Blizzard tries the Frostbite; mule kick by Beaken! Beaken sets him up for the Beaken Bomb & hits it!
CKF: Wait, we’ve seen that calendar the past 2 weeks! Who’s coming out? It’s...it’s “Supernova” Brian Sweet! And he’s carrying a chair! Beaken can’t believe his eyes! Sweet slides inside; swings the chair; Beaken ducks, but Sweet spin kicks the chair into Beaken’s face! Like a shooting star! Blizzard gets up to commend his friend, but he gets the chair/spin kick combo too! Blizzard & Brett Beaken have been laid out by the returning “Supernova” Brian Sweet! He leaves to the floor, making his way up the aisle!
CKF: As the camera goes back near the Eagles’ Nest, Triple H, Tazz, Tourettes & Jeff Hardy have made their way up there! Watch out, RF Video! HHH & Tourettes trade punches, as do Hardy & Tazz. Tourettes hits a low blow out of desparation, & Hardy follows suit! Tourettes directs Hardy to the double stacked tables below the Nest! They’ve got the vicious look in their eyes again! HHH & Tazz fight it; Tazz hooks a t-bone Tazzplex! Triple H w/a hiptoss! MAH GAWD! Tourettes & Hardy go down, through the sets of tables! They just broke into pieces before this crowd, & all I can say is MAH GAWD!
CKF: Triple H looks down at the wreckage, as Tourettes may have re-injured his already injured shoulder! Tazz taps HHH, telling him to go to the floor. But “The Game” refuses! He doesn’t want anything to end like this! And Tazz flipped off HHH! Tazz flipped off his partner & crawls off the ledge of the Eagles Next. Tourettes slides out of the area, but Jeff Hardy is still laying there. Tazz applies a Tazzmission ot the lifeless Hardy. Jeff the ref calls for the bell!
ANNCR: Here are your winner, the team of Triple H, Blizzard & Tazz!
CKF: But Triple H can;t feel like a winner tonight! He seems to have some shame in what he’s done! And what about his ally Tazz flipping him off?
CKF: It appears the “Supernova” Brian Sweet is back in the ring, sitting on the chair he used earlier, & he’s got a hot mic! Hot mic!
Brian Sweet: In the good book of Supernova, chapter 2 page 19, it clearly states.... Brian Sweet is back and ready to beat some ass!
Brian Sweet: Beaken, over the past couple of weeks you spewed out a few dumb words, stringing together a so called cut down. [pauses for the fans to start chating WZW] But the fiction of the matter is just this! 2:19 is back and ready for vengeance. Beaken... You took me out of action. That I will not forget, and I will make sure you get whats coming to you, you can bet the farm on that! Now on to another annoying topic, that's right... Blizzard!!! You Mr. Freeze wanna be punk. You abused my personal camera man! And yet he is still dumb enough to stay by your renegade side. Well guess what? You can keep your new found sex slave and record all the gay video's you want. Becuase Just like I said to Brett, 2:19 is here and he is not back to take anyone's $#it! So Blizzard, suprise suprise, I have a speacial guest with me tonight that you may be a little bit intrested in...
CKF: Oh gosh golly, that’s PAMELA! Blizzard’s former valet, & who knows what else! She comes down to the ring, straddles the ropes...mmm...& goes into the arms of “Supernova” Brian Sweet! Can we show this on PPV?
CKF: Alrighty, the Alcatraz cell has been lowered! Time for the final match!
[“Savior” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers plays along with a new Y2J music video before Jericho appears in the entrance.]
CKF: Hey, that’s new music for Jericho!
ANNCR: This Alcatraz match, scheduled for 1 fall, is for the WZW North American title! First, representing The Saviors, from Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, weighing 225 lbs, the WZW North American champion, & co-holder of the WZW Tag Team titles, “Y2J” Chris Jericho!
[Jericho starts to climb the cage.]
CKF: Jeevus, this can’t be good! Jericho is starting out on top of the cage!
[Jericho pulls a mic form the back of his tights & begins to speak.]
Y2J: Welcome to...ANARCHY...IS...JERICHO!!! And as I stand above these Philadelphia fans, these heartless, brainless, & downright smelly douche bags...
[Fans boo & chant “Y2GAY! Y2GAY!”]
Y2J: Yeah, real original there. Did X-Pac teach you that one? you know, no matter how much I respect him, & no matter what I do for him, that punk X-Pac has been from DAY 1 an ungrateful, unmitigated, unintelligent JACKOFF! so tonight, I don’t care if I cripple you. I don’t care if & merely injure you. I don’t care if I cost you your Hansen’s Energy Drink sponsorship! All I care about is my North Ameri-Jericho-can title & a Y2J Beating that you will never...E-E-E-E-EVER forget AGAYN!
[X-Pac’s music plays]
ANNCR: His opponent, also representing The Saviors & co-holder of the WZW Tag Team titles, from Minneapolis, MN, weighing 212 lbs, X-Pac!
CKF: And X-Pac wastes no time following Jericho to the top of the cage! Jericho pulls him up, but X-Pac hits a low chop! They’re very near the side! X-Pac stands up & starts swinging! They’re trading blows, but X-Pac takes control! Slams Jericho’s face down on the cage! X-Pac is fired up! Charge by X-Pac! AAAHHH! Backdrop by Jericho! X-Pac fell in the crowd!
CKF: Get the camera over there! Get medical help! Get our lawyers! Something! Wait a minute, X-Pac fell into the WZW newbies & old faces that were seated in the front row! The fall had to hurt, but luckily he’s in good hands! Man, that was one hell of a stage dive! Jericho looks down...& jumps Cross body block to the crowd! Jericho is insane!
CKF: The wrestlers are none too happy with Jericho, but the fans are eating it up! Ralphus, WZW’s Head of Security, has to clear a path for Jericho! He’s used to taming the crowd, right Achilles? Where’d that come from? Jericho pulls X-Pac out in the aisle, & we’re raisign the cage so they can get in. But Jericho takes to fight to ‘Pac on the floor! Irish whip into the guard rail! Suplex by the champ, right on the floor! Jeff the ref is doing his best to force them inside.
CKF: Jericho reluctantly pulls X-Pac inside the Alcatraz structure & the match officially begins! The cage is lowered to the floor, so there’s no way out! X-Pac reverses a whip, sending Jericho back first into the steel siding! X-Pac pulls Jericho’s arm around the post! That’ll injure the shoulder! X-Pac tosses Y2J inside as he grabs some plundah from undah the ring-ah.
CKF: X-Pac pulls out a trash can & broom. He’s really gonna clean house on Y2J! Bad pun! Jericho grabs the broom & leg-trips X-Pac. Drops an elbow to the knee! Jericho holds X-Pac’s knee prone & nails it with the broom! X-Pac sits up, & Y2J places the trash can over his head! Jericho climbs the buckles; missle dropkick to the can! X-Pac is hearing birdies!
CKF: Jericho pulls X-Pac back outside, right near the rowdy wrestlers they just angered. Jericho hooks X-Pac by the ankles! Walls of Jericho? No, a slingshit into the fencing! Jericho grabs him by the hair & slams his face into the fencing once more! X-Pac is cut already! Jericho reaches under the ring & pulls out a cooler. He grabs something; hey, it’s a can of Hansen’s Energy Drink! Y2J shakes well before serving...serving it right into X-Pac’s bloody head!
CKF: Jericho reaches under the ring, finding a steel chair! He charges; X-Pac spin kicked the chair into Y2J’s face! Desparation move! X-Pac hits rapid fire kicks to the champ; Jericho tries to ram X-Pac into the steel, but X-Pac turns the tables! Y2J crashes face first into the cage! Chairshot on the floor from X-Pac!
CKF: X-Pac has a second wind. Who knows how many he has! Jericho has been rolled into the ring. X-Pac climbs the buckles, with the chair. Leaping chairshot from X-Pac connects! The pin...1...2...kickout! X-Pac nearly won. Pulls Y2J to his feet; irish whip; Jericho ducks a clothesline but gets nailed w/a heel kick! Jericho is on the ropes, & he’s also bleeding!
CKF: Irish whip by X-Pac; reversed; Jericho elevates X-Pac up in the air & he lands on Jericho’s knee! Double underhook by Jericho, into a backbreaker! The cut has fired him up! Irish whip; flying forearm by Jericho! X-pac rolls out to the apron. He gets up; Y2J springs off the corner ropes & hits a dropkick! X-Pac falls to the floor. Jericho follows. Picks up X-Pac & slams him back-first into the steel siding! Tosses him back inside, & Jericho follows after trash-talking the fans.
CKF: Jericho now has X-Pac where he wants him. Hooked for a powerbomb; Y2J hits it! 1...2...lifted for a second! Jericho hits the ropes & nails the asai moonsault! 1...2...2 3/4! X-Pac barely brought his shoulder up! Jericho is pissed now. German suplex; X-Pac escapes & hits a leg lariat! X-Pac hits another heel kick; Y2J bounces off the ropes & X-Pac hits a russian legsweep! X-Pac hooks the chamo for a suplex, but Jericho hold son. Front face suplex, right on the middle of the top rope!
CKF: With X-Pac groggy, Jericho climbs the turnbuckles. X-Pac hits the ropes! Y2J falls forward in the corner. Right into the Bronco Buster! Oh, the people love it! Or maybe the’re thinking of Francine? X-Pac picks up Jericho & lifts him to the top rope! X-Pac looks to the crowd, then climbs the buckles for a move. But Jericho hits a thumb to the eye before it’s executed. Jericho rolls forward trying a sunset flip powerbomb! That’s how Jericho won last time in the ECW Arena! X-Pac falls back...hitting the X-Factor on the chair! Cover...1...2...3! X-Pac pinned him!
ANNCR: Here is your winner, & NEW WZW North American champion, X-Pac!
CKF: X-Pac did it! X-Pac beat his partner, “Y2J” Chris Jericho! All he needed was the rematch, I guess! This has been a wild night tonight for WZW April Anarchy. 2 new champions crowned. The Network got what was coming to them. Tourettes’s career could possibly be ended...again! Not to mention Jeff Hardy! We’ll catch up with you next week on Saturday Smash. Right now, I’m getting the hell outta here before the Sandman starts caning everyone! Anyone know where Dawn Marie’s hotel room is?
----------THIS HAS BEEN A WAR ZONE PRODUCTION----------
