There once was a fellow named Justin
Whose belches were very disgustin'
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If I kept it all in, I'd be bustin'!"
There once was a girl from the Sault
Who dreamed she was eating her shoe
She woke up one night
In a terrible fright
For she found that her dream had come true!
There once was a young man named Danny
Who thought he would pinch a girl's fanny
He put forth his paw
But he got a broke jaw
From the clout of the cane of her granny!
There once was a woman named Claire
Who dreamed of owning a bear
She thought she would ride
But she ended inside
For the beast thought she looked like a hare!
An exceedingly fat friend of mine,
When asked at what hour he'd dine,
Replied, "At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight and a quarter past nine.
There once was a woman named Jan
Who desperately wanted a man
She got one bewitched
Then found out he was hitched
And that's when the stuff hit the fan!
There once was a fly on the wall
I wonder why didn't it fall
Because its feet stuck
Or was it just luck
Or does gravity miss things so small?
A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By winds that left her quite nude,
Then a man came along,
And unless we are wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
A gourmet dining at Crewe
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."
A young schizophrenic named Struther,
Who learned of the death of his Brother,
Said, "I know that its bad,
But I don't feel too sad.
After all, I still have each other."
There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
Said Bush, 'The Iraqi have hidden
Stuff the UN has forbidden.
This dictator will cease
In the name of world peace,
I'll invade them...by George, I'm not kiddin'!'
An elderly man called Keith
Mislaid his set of false teeth -
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgot they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
A limerick fan from Australia
Regarded his work as a failure:
His verses were fine
Until the fourth line
There once was a man named Nick
Who needed to leave town real quick.
He'd had an affair
Of which his wife was aware
And he feared she would cut off his head.
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It was at last so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.
There was a young lady named Maud,
Who was the most terribly fraud.
She never was able
to eat at the table
but when in the larder, Oh gawd.
There was a young lass from Australia
Who painted her butt like a Dahlia
The shape it was fine
And the color divine
But the aroma--well, that was a faihlia
There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
But he followed the pair to Pawtucket,
The man and the girl with the bucket;
And he said to the man,
He was welcome to Nan,
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue