Killer Cults have two major components in order for it to grow and prosper by attracting adherents. First, you need a charismatic charlatan who acts as carnival barker to lure and seduce a following into buying a ticket to his or her freak show. Once inside the tent they are now easy prey for the prayer preying preacher. Instances of kidnapping, adult rape, polygamy, and child abuse are also hallmarks.
Second, you need followers. These can be found everywhere. Just look for the weak among the populous, those who seek but will never find what it is they are looking for and worse attribute of all to me...the need to follow! To acknowledge that you need a leader, is let come to the surface all that “I need a daddy as I was lacking one in my childhood” crap. The meek nor the weak will inherit the earth..Snake Plitzken and Mad Max will.
Get these pathetic psyche’s spinning on their mental axis-asses into the religio-sociological orbit of a sociopath’s solar system and the immediate gratification they have long sought is now being bought and paid for through allegiance and obedience to the gravitational pull and shift of the predators bullshit.
The end is usually the insane same, whether it’s from the Branch Dividian conflagration to crush Koresh in whacked out Waco, Texas or at the Jim Jones Club Dead Hard Rock Kool-Aid Cafe in a jungle to getting marooned and mooned by Rev. Sun Myung Moon in a compound a Long Wang or Suc Muc Dik. I’ll take you on a literary trip to explore the more eccentric examples of cults in an attempt to peek under the rogue robes to see exactly how cults become killers, and how cultists succumb to a tidal wave of mass suicide. Oh, if while reading this and you get thirsty….I just made a fresh batch of delicious Kool Aid..CHEERS!
Heavens Gate: Ground Control to Major Tom...Ground Control to Major Tom? Do you Read Major Tom? (static and silence) Roswell...we have a problem! So begins our space opera production of The Heavens Gate Away Team
Calling Earth! Calling Earth! Yes, Earth under attack from alien planets from the fringe of the galaxy. Huge laser beams hell-bent on our Destruction are heading our way aboard UFOs! Let the abductions begin!
The last Hale Bopp Comet UFO is ready for take-off...please fasten your safety belts pu on your Nike’s and our stewardess will be along with your choice of refreshments including vodka and pineapple juice with a cyanide and arsenic chaser with whipped cream and phenobarbital..so lay back, relax and let the good times roll. As Nike says..”JUST DO IT!!!
In March of 1997, when their UFO failed to go take the Heaven’s Gate Away Team to where no man and woman had gone before, the 39 bodies of cult faithful were found lid out on cots dressed in Johnny Cash chic black wearing armbands that read “Heaven’s Gate Away Team” and Nike tennis shoes.I guess they were hoping for an endorsement deal from Nike..in fact I can see the commercials now…(insert your own macabre Mad Ave ad here)
This was not a James T. Kirk led expedition in search of Klingons. Hell, now this Final Frontier was imaginary and lodged deep space nine in the illusory world of Marshall Applewhite, founder of the Heaven’s Gate Space Balls (“We are all Assholes!” cult condominium community association of the outer fringes of mental illness.
Seems Space Cadet Applewhite had a near death experience during the 1970’s Disco Era and had a vision...Ever see a disco ball and pulsating dance floor with Grace Jones singing draped in a silver space suit back in the day? I have...but blamed it on the acid I took earlier in the evening…
Applewhite and nurse, soon to be consort and de facto interplanetary travel agent Bonnie Nettles founded Heaven’s Gate based on his biased vision that he and Bonnie were “the two” mentioned in the Book of Revelations 11:3 and began to round up members who bought into the vision expounded by Flash “Applewhite” Gordon that space travel aboard alien ships was a distinct possibility..oh hell...why not, eh? The Earth used to be flat..and the sun revolved around planet Earth...and Jeb Bush thinks he’ll be president….
Marshall (you’re gonna love this!) Herff Applewhite! Herff the Space Smurf was born and raised in the whacked out lunatic asylum we call Texas. His father was a bible thumping Presbyterian forcing strict religious discipline in the household...like the film “Carrie” it had a disastrous effect and is why I believe organized religion should be banned in all its forms and persuasions.
As he matured (?) he studied to be a minister (surprise!) but decided to pursue a music career instead so became a music director of a Presby church in South Carolina. During the Korean War (make that “intrusion) he was drafted and served in Austria! Austria..Gateway to the Orient just a mere 3,000 mile from the front lines of action of ping pong Pyongyang and its plethora of Korean poontang. Applewhite was a holy roller and not a Seoul Man!
Soon after he got out of the army, married now, the Big Apple reached out to the Big Asshole and Applewhite pursued, in vain, a musical career . The Brill Building crowd was not impressed, so he decided to teach music in Alabama. (You know what hey say..”There are those who can...and then here are those who can’t so they teach!”)
This is the nexus of the pivot point of his future spiraling out of orbit (pun intended) as he decided to pursue the affections of one of his male students. Same gender sex was not a sanctioned sporting event in the the Applewhite mysterian Presbyterian arena and word leaked out faster than a KYA jelly torpedo in a squirt tube on a mission to sink the gay Bismark!
He was let go by admin as well as let go by Mrs. Applewhite who didn’t quite understand is curious craving for men. It gets better...his psycho on the lunatic fringe edge of the mental universe rented a car in Missouri, failed to return it and was nailed in the Lone Star State, extradited to St. Louis and spent six months in lock-up. His defense? He claimed he was authorized to keep the car by divine beings from outer space!! It was all a Mel Brooks “Space Balls” moment that should have had him in a rubber room with Nurse Rachet and a fist full of pills of any kind.
After he was released from the happy house, he flew over the cuckoo’s nest and with a nurse, Bonnie Nettles to care for him, both tried to contact extraterrestrials and encouraged others through ads and promotions of meetings where they recruited their “crew”. At the meetings they sheared the flock with tall tales of how he and Bonnie were the Earthly reps of alien beings. Sort of a Twilight Zone talent agency for the Flying Purple People Eater.
Trekkies beware. Mr Looney Bin Laden Applewhite told his followers that the Jefferson Mother Ship sent him messages through his television set during the Star Trek TV show! The scary part is these people bought into it!!! Hell, I’ll serve the arsenic to his crowd...they should not operate heavy machinery nor breed..at least we have been spared and so have any future children..Up UP and away team..Hi Yo Silver Away!!
The Bicentennial Year brought the Heaven’s Gate gang to Medicine Bow National Forest in Wyoming for a visit from a UFO! Surprise..a no show..flight cancelled...Bay Watch marathon was probably in progress that sidelined these anal probers from alien nations. Bikini wax jobs will get a gaggle of Martians masturbating faster than Pee Wee Herman in a darkened theater.
As began to live camping in the Rocky Mountains Applegate began to tighten the dependency screws on his flock of sheep. The group was told over and over again that was a supreme authority and must obey him if they wished for immortality among the cosmopolitan cosmos of outer space.
When one of the members died he left a rather large inheritance to Applewhite who used it to rent a home in California at the same time he read about approach of Comet Hale-Bopp the be-bopping hipster from outer space and he believed that Bonnie Nettles, who had died in 1985, was now in 1997 in a spaceship with aliens comet tailgating Hale-Bopp so she could rendezvous with the Heaven’s Gate Brady Bunch and whisk everyone away to a pleasant planet. Here’s the catch...they had to die before going aboard to go abroad the vast expanse of space and would be reborn once they landed.
The dressed in Johnny Cash chic black uniforms with armbands as backstage suicide passes to the Big Bopper Hale-Bopp concert in the sky. As Jimmy Buffet said..”it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” s Happy Hour at Heavens Gate got up up and away underway and on March 26 authorities found 39 bodies all Nike’d out.
Meanwhile Hale-Bopp Be Bop a Lula Bonnie in the Sky with Diamonds overshot Earth and was never heard from again….and apparently left the depot without her passengers with the radio blasting…”she’s got a ticket to ride and she’s buying a stairway to Heavens Gate”
Amish Rumspringa: Buggies and Bonnets Go Ballistic!
The United States of Amish America is a world without electricity or automobiles or telephones. Time warped in the past to the era of the horse and buggy the Amish do not mix well with the outside world. Conversely “the outside world” of cellphones and Skype and techno-hype view the Amish as a curious oddity of of another time existing in a twilight zone dimension, impervious to rapid technological changes since the kerosene lamp, or the ridicule that follows them whenever a buggie hogs a lane on a two lane highway impeding traffic. Remember, they do not drive automobiles therefore pay no tax at the pump. However as a token of their gratitude they do leave an ample amount of horseshit along the landscape.
I have always wanted to do an Amish version of “Gone in 60 Seconds” with Ridley Scott buggy chase scenes where buggies go buggy racing through the streets of Los Angeles of the Angeleno Amish Amigos!
Amish rules and regs are edicts of interdiction that govern everything from a near parochial dress code that call for those snappy frisbee like black hats for the menfolk, long floor length skirts and restrictive bonnets for the women. Can’t have the women folk letting their hair down and lifting those skirts so the men could see what is hidden behind “door number one”
Sexual behavior in their social microcosm was laid out (excuse the pun) declaring the Amish Tits and Ass manifesto as he only way to righteously engage in sexual activity and emerge satisfied and gratified. Forget the butterfly effect..in the world of fornication festivities down on the carnal commune they engage in what is referred to as “bundling” (I can hear it now..”wanna bundle baby? Your sack or mine?”) If these rules are not followed to the letter of the law, a member who gives in to his and her libido and the female bush is ambushed both parties who partook of pleasure will end up in Amish limbo and be excommunicated! Well..there goes your bundling privileges!! So if you’re Amish and blow it, so to speak, bundling you’re up Amish creek without a paddle.
Bundling is a bizarre practice where young couples with fuel injected hormonal tendencies, natural sexual curiosities and an innate exploratory factors regarding the opposite sex can court one another with the caveat that they are bound in blankets on a bed with a wooden board separating them to prevent their sex organs from breaching the Berlin Wall to get drunk on the elixir of lustful libido. Sometimes only the female was “sacked” while the groom to be could have his foray as he bungled in the bundle jungle.
All Amish teens do not share the penchant for the exile on mainstreet existence imposed on them by decree and 10% usually opt out and cop a plea to copulate and devour the secular world and it’s cornucopia of copulation, drink drugs and (Gasp!) computers and cell phones and the non-Amish mode of transportation..the automobile! It’s hard to impress the other sex with a fully detailed buggy with without a spoiler and glass packs! Besides there is no back seat to fool around in at the drive-in. Most Amish children complete their education by the 8th grade. (Crap, I did too, maybe I’m Amish except I never bundled anyone! College? Ever hear of an Amish collegiate furniture making football team? March Madness would never be the same.
This rite of passage is called Rumspringa turf where at the age of 14 or 15 a young Amish person has to choose baptism and toe the party line immediately or leave the community on a sort of rock and roll rite of passage to sample the real world. Strangely enough Amish elders encourage this excursion, behavioral restrictions are lifted so the kids can get experience and knowledge of the non-Amish world.
Most of the explores remain living at home during this period, while some who are fascinated by frolic leave the flock to live with non-Amish families, called “living English” This does not prevent them later from rejoining the Mother Ship.
The Amish dress code is non-negotiable, but during Rumspringa these “rebels without” a cause become downright revolutionary and will change into a hidden stash of clothing and change from not so chic Amish straw hats to suspenders to hold up a pair of plain black pants and brown shoes. It appears odd to us perhaps but damn...suspenders are a sure fire Amish chick magnet! Black leather is now in...and the boys transform into rockabilly hipsters
Amish babes might do well on Project Mennonite Runway, but during rumspringa...the devil wears Prada! They toss aside the floor length skirts and aprons to reveal a hidden world of thigh and calf after they shed those old lady black stockings for a pair of hot and sexy fishnets. It’s an Amish striptease and fashion makeover but alas I can’t remember ever going into a club to see Amish girls mud wrestling...or bonnet and pole dancing but it’s a start.
Yes, Amish youth will also smoke cigs and weed, get blasted on booze and (gasp) hang out with “outsiders” It’s “Lost Boys” (and girls) all over again! it is also during this age of Amish Aquarius that the male Amish amigos may be allowed to have his own “courting buggy” to cruise the strip or challenge another buggy to an American Grafitti drag race to impress the bonnet babes.
Rumspringa is a time for rock and roll for Amish youth to exorcise repressed inhibitions and to exercise their rebellious muscle. Do they have pre-marital sex? What passes for an Amish condom besides community condemnation as the taste the fruits of the outside Condom? Nation? Will they interact through intercourse and attempt in the case of the boys to get inside the outsider or in the case of the girls, allow the outside inside? Do they do it in the backseat of a buggy, and what the hell do you do with the horse? Do the Amish go to passion pit drive-ins to fumble, fondle and bundle in the back seat while “9 and a Half Weeks” lights up the screen of a double bill with “Basic Instinct?”
Only they know...what happens during Rumspringa….stays in Rumspringa!!!
Getting Eight Miles High with The Celtic Druids and Hipster Hobbits at Stoned-henged
Two Druids walk into a bar. One of them says “We drink too much.” The other Druid orders an English ale and says, “Yeah, I know..it will be the rune of us yet!” That brings me to an explanation of the real Middle Earth and not the Tolkien tokin’ version of Frodo and the Hobbit Hipsters. Not much is known of the Ancient Druids except they for the fact that they derived much satisfaction from the Summer Solstice and believed in reincarnation.
This lack of knowledge is largely due to the fact that very little was recorded by Celts in kilts at the time.What does remain of the Druid version of the Three R’s are called “runes” with alphabetical coded lingo in a variety of classes. One class is called Elder Futhark, not Elmer Fudd or even Elmer Fuddhark. “Futhark” as far as I can ascertain is a disparaging derogatory Druid Middle Earth Middle Finger obscene salute/remark combo road rage epithet meaning “Hark, Fut You!” used primarily when being tailgated closely by another Druid in an ox drawn cart.
The Druids may have been the poets and bards of Celtic society, but those lovable Hobbits were the happy hipsters of The Tolkien Trilogy that in modern times lent a somewhat Fantasia fantasy theater of the mind presentation of Gandalf, Bilbo and Frodo. ( I never saw the film versions as I had read the trilogy three times in my life and my imagination creates a superior version to me than that of Hollywood.)
Just who hell were these Druids and how did the Hobbits get mixed up with them? Was it by design? Is Robert Plant really Golem or just an undercover plant? Did the worship the Summer Solstice as a kind of seasonal erection? What about Stonehenge? Were the Druids the first “stoners” and if so, why isn’t it called Stoned-henged? I shall attempt an autopsy on the subject matter to get the bottom and take a peek under the Celtic Kilts of History to see what lies underneath. In the meantime their mysterious mystical past is one big screaming Futhark “Fut You” on the Middle Finger of the Middle Kingdom directed by Druids at you and me…
Were the Druids Dopers? Were they Cheech and Chonged into a constant cosmic comfortably numb Celtic Purple Haze? You bet your ass they were! They generally attained what I call a “stonehenged” altered state of mind for divination purposes and possibly recreational use as well...you know what they say “all divination and no play make Lugh Lamh-fada a dull boy!
Their need for mead and other uninhibitors were unearthed in archaeological finds in England have proven that turning on, tuning in and dropping out via the altered states highway was a gateway to enlightenment. One of the other mind changers included an ingredient in absinthe that when isolated created a hallucinogenic drink referred to as the Green Fairy, This gave a person a free pass to Druid Disneyland where dancing mops and brooms put on a fantastic array of psychedelic cabaret. Green Fairy..Sound like the mincing partner of a druid Pink Floyd.
Druids also dig down and dirty Druid sex! Druids were pioneers when it came to free love and free sex . The Druid date book reads like a Celtic Kama Sutra and holidays were the pagan portals to pubic promiscuity. You think our Western world Christmas is a time for ho ho ho, the Druids celebrated Samhuinn from Oct. 31 (Halloween) - Nov. 2. where for three days it was a time of nudity combined with wild, rampant and rampaging three ring circus sexual activiity. Then we have Beltane, or May Day were Celtic copulation was a way to celebrate the fertility of young Druid females. Both holidays were days of sexual abandon fueled by Green Fairies and Mother Mead!
Druids weren’t as enlightened as he Hindu’s when it came to Kama Sutra thrust and parry positions. In fact even the sexual position identifiers sound rather like something out of Deliverance. For example, if a hulking Druid came up to you says, “Me want do it as does the deer!” Ok, we know it today as Doggie style but I guarantee you if you meet a young lady in a singles bar and say “Me want do it as does the dog” You’ll get knocked off a bar stool..now if she says in reply, “German Shepard or Standard Poodle” ...you know you’re in Amigo!!
We now come to sexual real crowd pleaser…the Sacrifice at the Altar! In this precarious position the female lies down on her back on a table or other raised platform legs akimbo... the male Druid then from a standing position raises her legs half-way to her chest, Druid ass up. This is a 20 minute job and Druid females favored it according to what records remain as they could raise their heads and watch their partners actions to ad to her own G-Spot Mania.
Today this MO can be done on the hood of a car or on the kitchen table, and Druids had sex in groups so to be a true Druid shyness will not work in your favor. So next time you are at the drive-in with another couple and both of you are going at it... one couple in front, one couple in back … hell you are Druid double dating! Sex, Drugs and Druids...These Celtic stoners could party!!!!
Stonehenge: Oliver Stonehenged and Alien Druids from Outer Space
Stonehenge! Strange rock and stone configuration with the stigma of enigma sitting in the middle of nowhere as mysterious as the Pacific Oceanic stone carvings of Aku Aku half a globe away. There are more theories regarding the creation of Stonehenge and stranger yet….why is there a Stonehenge? Is it the hidden burial site of a middle earth Jimmy Hoffa? Some theorists claim it was constructed by aliens from another George Lucas galaxy, far far away. Who else would have the technological Red Green Duct tape know how to place tons of stones in a circle and again...WHY? Some say it was constructed as a beacon and landing pad for spacecraft after a long grueling journey through time warping worm holes.
The same can be said of the Space Needle in Starbucks Seattle where an obvious flying saucer, previously owned vehicle sits atop a metal support and now houses a gift shop and rotating restaurant...one day it will blast off without warning taking a load of human tourists to a planet of cannibals. Remember the “Twilight Zone” episode “To Serve Man”...coincidence? I think not! Mere meek mortal man could not have constructed such a complex array, unless they were union of course!
Other than modern human fascination with alien landings in Roswell, nightly UFO visits over the deserts and some large cities, many believe Stonehenge is the brainchild of ancient Druids, ancestors of the Celts in the British Isles. He most commonly held belief regarding Druid influence is that the bodacious Queen Boudicca had it built as a monument to herself. You know Trump Towers on the Salisbury Plain. Other scholarly types feel it was built as a general Druid Temple.
The stones weigh in at around 4 tons each! That is the equivalent of four Hyundai’s and best estimates is that it 1,500 years to build starting in 3,000 B.C....so if these were union jobbers you can bet there was a lot of overtime and time and a half reflected in their paychecks of Celtic coin of the realm which was in the form of rings and bracelets. Not only did you have some bling for cash, but you were one stylish Celt ready for your big Druid debut on Project Runway. The Outer Ring of stones are believed to be locals from area quarries, you know Shop Local while the inner ring is of smaller bluestone rocks that have been traced to Wales some 200 miles away!!!
Questions remain...how were they transported over these distances? How were they fashioned into shape given the fact that this was the Neolithic age and power tools had not been invented yet?
Did liens or as they prefer to be called, Ancient Astronauts, have a three fingered hand in this? To what purpose was Stonehenge really built for? It seems to serve as a solar and lunar calendar ( I have trouble remembering what day is unless I check my computer!) The circular path that surrounds these non rolling stones eventually leads away from the configuration and extends in a direction where the sun would be during the Summer Solstice or celebration purposes, beating the Hippies in the Haight by a few thousand years as they trudge up Twin Peaks or head for Hippie Hill in the park. (Ok, I admit, we used to get loaded on acid and do the Twin Peaks thing too and appropriately got stonehenged stoned on Orange Sunshine!)
Other theories advanced that the layout was a blueprint of the 9 Planet Solar System. If this is true, how the hell did a Druid come to the conclusion that there were 9 planets? Which brings us now to the George Lucas-Twilight Zone Theory that outer spaced out interplanetary visitors, perhaps on vacation traversing on some sort of Worm Hole Route 66 had it built as a landing pad for other disc shaped Greyhound UFO buses to dock and berth. Yes, this is possible but archaeologists have found no proof of restrooms or souvenir shops ever having existed at the site.
It’s a mystery that may never be solved, which actually adds to the mystique and keeps the imagination fueled. It’s up right up there with the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot and did Clinton really not inhale? A mystery that likely will never have a satisfactory explanation..until Oliver Stone makes a film about it..exposing the TRUTH as only Oliver Stonehenge can...Oliver Stone...Oliver Stonehenge? Coincidence? I think NOT!
Mormons: Brigham Young says “Bring “em Young!”
Polygamy and Puberty! Sounds like the Holy Temple of Roman Polanski or the church of Our Lady of Phil Spector. Wrong...these guys were pure amateurs..outclassed in the arena of illegal tits and ass. Joseph Smith, voyeur and founder of the Mormon Church was leader of the pack in jailbait brides and Brigham Young latter day leader also issued the battle cry “BRING ‘EM YOUNG!” Did you also realize Beaver Island, Michigan had it’s very own Mormon King? Yep... the self proclaimed and very strange King Strang.
Mormon polygamy was a real America’s Most Wanted foray into the world of religious pedophilia as most of the brides were all underage as young as 12 to wed some bearded Duck Dynasty Look-a-Like. Remember Elizabeth Smart? We’re talking abduction not seduction. Current estimates are there are 30,000 practitioners of this prolific practice where the more powerful of the elders gets to have their pick of the litter. An elder with three of four teenage wives not only has a pubescent playground but could make a fortune having his hymen rich harem of young bride-wives sell Girl Scout Cookies! With that many wives at that age..who the hell would you take to the prom? Any cheerleaders in the house?
Here’s the kicker...Most of the girls are willing given to elder as a way of being blessed by God in the afterlife! Personally. the gas chamber would be more fitting for giver and receiver. A good old “gentile” hot shot would be preferable. Mormanism began begatting around 1820-ish, founded by Joseph Smith in upstate New York. (How many men have deceivingly signed a motel register J. Smith with the acknowledged wink of the desk clerk?) Once Smith died Brigham Young led the flock to Utah which I avoid at all costs...separation of church and state and I prefer turntables to tabernacles. Polgamy began in earnest in the last half of the 19th Century. They also believe in chasrity (like a 12 year old Mormon filly is not a virgin...what’s good for the goose is good for the philandering gander) and never will you find a gay Mormon pop a another gay Mormon’s cherry as homosexuality is not allowed. Notice too how women’s rights, once again in the name of religion are kept under lock and key...why can’t Mormon woman take on multiple husbands? After all one Mormon bird in her hand is worth two in her Mormon bush.
Next ….the strange case of King Strang, who ruled as royalty on Beaver Island Michigan who was finally overthrown and killed by a group of angry Michigan Yoopers from Macinac Island...weird...no, strange...
Part Two Michigans Morman King The strange struggle of James Strang to hi-jack the LDS church is a long strange Strang trip. LDS? Mormons in the Sky with Diamonds? Sorry, flashback…
KIng James Strang set up his polygamous royal empire in Michigan. No wonder with so many wives at his disposal he settled on the appropriately named “ Beaver” Island in Lake Michigan just west of Michigans Left Coast west south west of Mackinaw City which is Michigander for “Fudge IT!” and north north west of Petoskey which is Michiganian for “where the rich people summer.”
Strang, born in 1813, was as much a product of New York then as a coney dog and beer are today. He was a failure in most business endeavors so decided to hook up with Joseph Smith’s Traveling Snake Oil Medicine Show to try to improve his business prospects. As what? A chorus boy for the Tabernacle Cabaret Supper Club? Fate decreed that Smith was high on his new “underboss’ and packed him off to Wisconsin the covert the cheeseheads to Mormon way of life and thinking..polygamous concubines instead of cheddar cheese.
Smith died in 1844 and Strang produced a mysterious letter, supposedly written by Smith naming the strange Strang as his successor. Some of the flocked were fooled and followed this polygamous Pied Piper to Beaver Island where he began to impose what in effect could be termed Mormon Martial Law. He took others wifes for sex when he felt like it in addition to the cream of the puberty ready crop available...soon the flocked realized...the flock got fucked!
The strange Strang began pissing off Michiganders in Northern Michigan as he tried to influence new converts with his persuasive perverted proselytizing and actually having a chance to gain a seat in the Michigan State legislature. A head on collision was inevitable and led to the short lived War of Whiskey Point complete with each side firing canons! Strang won the battle and it went to his head...so did a crown as Strang had himself crowned King and started taking into his home more and more under age wives and another grab for the existing wives of others. His own flock was now fed up with him and he was shot dead by his followers. After his demise, Michigan locals from Macinac Island attacked in forced running the Mormons out of the state.. Michiganders don’t fuck around.
Polygamy was officially outlawed by the Mormon Church in 1890 but did not dissolve existing plural marriages. Soon after Utah was admitted to the union. So was polygamy banned because of opportunity to get USA’d?
Although today it is not allowed by the core church however there are breakoff fundamentalist groups that engage in the practice. (Gawd I hate fundamentalists of any religion but then that is the Michigan in me!)
Today there are roughly 30,000 persons still practicing polygamy. Hey, to each his own, but most of these involve under age teen age girls and as in the case of Elizabeth Smart are abducted by these predators and turned into sex slave prisoners…
I regard most Mormons as I do spiders...I don’t which ones are poisonous or dangerous so I avoid all spiders at all costs...I avoid Mormons and Utah as well. You should see how I treat them when they knock on my door...no you don’t want to know...I’ll lose my peaceful image. Just think Charles Manson as Godzilla!
Yin Yang Poontang I Ching Wang Chung
To Tao, or not to Tao! It’s time to cop a feel and grab a look under the mini-skirt of Tao along with it's secular and spiritual sexuality. Taoist sexual practices are referred to as the bedroom arts so the next time you’re in a singles bar listening to Wang Chung, kep clear of asking the alcohol fueled laden moronic sophomoric “What’s your sign?” Instead, casually saunter over to her and whisper in her ear “Does your poontang have a yen for yin or a thang for yang?” or “Do you ching? I Ching”
Taoists have been practicing sexual activity known as "Joining Energy" since the Ice Age. Taoists have known how to heat things up and break the ice! I call it Sex on the Rocks, and whatever she’s having. Taoists believe that by performing these sexual arts, one could stay in good health, and attain longevity. I call it Yin Yang Poontang ... Most Eastern religions such as Tao and Hindu have texts dating back 2,000 years plus extolling sex..in the prudish West it's all about celibacy and denial. I do not celebrate celibacy. Poontang for everyone Barkeep ...set 'em up! As for the missionaries...burn them at the stake and Let's Party with a Game of Naked Tao Twister where your yin (if you're lucky) may end up in somebody's yang!
Taoism shamans predate Harry Potter by thousands of years and this bad boys had power over Earth, Wind and Fire, no not the group but the earthly elements themselves. Not only that, before Lucy showed up with her sky diamonds dating Sgt. Pepper, Taoist shamans were shameless show offs flying through the sky on bands of ethereal aerial dynamics and talking the lingo of the animals in animistic conversations. They were an elite group who felt that lesser non-shaman humans were mere mortals while they celebrated Animus for the rest of us!
Ever wonder about the secrets of the universe? I know, not as exciting as deciding between a breakfast burrito or an egg McSomething or what divine nature is versus do I want a Lao Tzu latte or a Confucian cappuccino!
According to Taoist legend, the shaman Fu Hsi had the spiritual Rubik’s Cube all figured out and later in 2,000 B.C or so the shaman Yu built a series of dikes and canals to save the kingdom from a devastating flood. This according to legend led to a complete understanding of the underlying structure of the universe and revealed it is in a state of continuous muscle flexing flux. In effect the Universe is saying to us “Flux You!”
It wasn’t long after this epiphany when Wen came along (yeah I know, Who’s on First?) H carried all this one step further and crossed the finish line and wrote the 64 hexagrams of the i Ching.
This was an age of feudal wars and Chinese chaos. It was won ton versus egg drop soup and the religious advisers were on the prowl hired out mercenaries. Spiritual soldiers of fortune including Lao Tzu but everyone knew him as Nancy, sorry I hate when a Beatles song runs head-on on a collision course with my thought train. In reality he went by the name Li Erh who went on to help old Taoism as a unifying Asian factor for all the kingdoms.
In a Taoist nutshell he taught understanding of a harmonizing with nature as smoothly as a doo wop group on a Philly street corner. Tao principles must be applied everyday with the intensity of an Oprah Make Over. In essence it was the only path to peace and harmony in a fragmented society, let alone the fractured geo-political space orb known as Earth. (The Tao Te Ching is now the second most translated book after the Bible. I thought it would be the Kama Sutra, but I was wrong. I do have an idea for a Kama Sutra coloring book for adults.) In time Taoism was carjacked by the Chinese ruling Han dynasty (the sound of One Han Clapping?) and the shamans were dispersed as fast as a crowd of peaceful American protesters being chased by drones and deranged cops on steroids. Shrines were built as Tao came of age and was absorbed as the official religion the country.
Lao Tzu in reality became a mythical character out of the mystical mist of time and was promoted from mere shaman to Big Kahuna status and the religion gained converts faster than a Mormon collects underage wives. Along with Taosim no longer being the opening act for other eastern beliefs, it was now the headliner and with it as in most religions the old standby creation myth of reward and punishment for behavior and adherence to observance of the Tao. In other words shape up or ship out to Shinto or mind your deities and toe the Tao line.
As time progressed with the accuracy of cheap Chinese watch. Tao and other religions of the east met in a headon collision and over time something strange happened. Tolerance!!! Not only tolerance, but a Confucian fusion of ethics and a Zen Buddhist Nature by-product of values blended and mixed into a spiritual mix master blender that led to Karma Taoism, so today it is near impossible to tell one religion’s impact on the whole.
Today Taoism has many faces in the east, however in the west i is the simple Lao Tzu philosophies that attract adherents. In other words, basic Tao, not the more complex divinity that survives along with city parks filled with Tai Chi proponents doing pseudo mime movements and the i-ching is as popular as it ever was. So if you are looking for some yin yang poontang...remember Tao is now...and with the influence of numerous Eastern beliefs feeding it’s spiritual universe...with Tao you get a Zen egg roll!
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The Dalia Lama: The Monastic Marxist Brother
Carol Channing belting out a few showtunes with a high kick line of questionable chorus boys in fishnets...add some Karl Marx Brothers vaudeville routines and a couple of Tibetan gongs and rim shots and hot damn it’s show time at the Shangri La Casino’s “Lost Horizon Room” Ladies and Gentlemen, the one, the only, the Frank Sinatra of Tibetan Buddhism, chairman of the board of the Monastic Rat Pack of the Himalayas I give you The Dalai Lama in the roof of the world off Broadway production of “Hello, Dalai!!” (Dinner and a chant starting at $500.)
The current Dalai Lama is not just another pretty Tibetan Buddhist rock star guru. This one is a bonafide Marx Brother joining his madcap comedy siblings Groucho, Chico, Harpo, and Zeppo with his own brand of high Himalayan humor and high jinks, along with a geo-political outlook that has transcended that has the markings Karl Marx with the caustic wit of the Dalai Lenny Lama...Lenny Bruce! Lenny could talk dirty and influence people, but this Dalai Lama Bruce uses finesse as foreplay replacing Dalai Lenny Bruce’s provocative promiscuous observations with profound Nobel Prize winning proverbs to cause a spiritual erection from the land of Sanskrit to Schenectady.
According to an article in the Times of India and the Guardian on the UK, the Dalia said in a lecture, and I quote, “As far as social-economic theory is concerned, I am still a Marxist," the spiritual leader said adding that he admires Marxism because of its focus on reducing gap between the rich and the poor. Many Marxist leaders are now capitalists in their thinking. It depends on their motivation, thinking, wider perspective," the spiritual leader said during a lecture on world peace in Presidency University. "In capitalist countries, there is an increasing gap between the rich and the poor. In Marxism, there is emphasis on equal distribution. That is very crucial to me," he said.
The Dalai Lama has had his share of troubles and if it were a TV show it would be called “Trauma in Tibet” and certainly not “Sex in the City” The Dalai Lama had to hightail it as the Psychedelic Sixties were about to explode on the scene as China became increasingly possessive of Tibet. Flashback to the flashpoint to reach his poignant and pivotal point. World War Two was still raging in the Pacific in 1942 and now that China’s eggroll had been pulled from the wok the nominal leader of Nationalist China, Chiang Kai-shek put his Muslim soldiers on full alert to invade Tibet and threatened the tiny country with aerial bombardment if they sought help from the Japanese. Now it was a sinister scenario of “Cooking with Chiang” or else!
When the war ended, Chiang Kai Shecky Greene took his entourage on the road and systematically attacked Buddhist monasteries in Tibet and by 1950 the full force of the Chinese Chiang Gang marched into Lama Land after defeating the Tibetans. America, once again backed the wrong side kissing Chiangs ass while standing on the sidelines turning a blind eye and feeding the Tibetans to the Chinese one monk a time.
The Dalai at the time was a mere mystic lad of 14, but soon things had changed for Chiang and in 1954, the Dalai now had to deal with the Red Zeppelin of Papa Ooo Mao Mao Zedong Rama Lama Ding Dong. It didn’t any better in it’s dealings with the Red Chinese so in 1956, Dalai asked the government of India for political asylum, but Nehru refused him at first. Enter now those cavorting covert party animals at the CIA to launch and fund an uprising in Tibetan heavy section of China in Sichuan Province. The US stood by before, but now it was a new ballgame. Reds! Now the red white blue decided to stop the Communist Domino dead in it’s tracks. It had nothing or in Zen parlance, No-thing to do with helping the Tibetans. It was merely muscle flexing on America’s part. Hell America couldn’t beat the Chinese in Korea and later couldn’t stop the American body bag flow in Vietnam and the country was about to botch the Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba. I’d have to go up against China today especially with an armed force of Starbucks drinking Metrosexuals!
The Tibetan rebels were trained near Leadville, Colorado. I can see it now General Lama banging a Buddhist gong holding a surfboard screaming “I love the smell of incense in the Morning!”
However, the Tibetan full metal jacket was a few bullets short of a full clip and in 1959 the CIA spirited the spiritual leader to safety in India which had now changed its stance on asylum and the Tibetan Government in exile was set up in Gandhiland in an area referred to as Little Lhasa, not to be confused with “Little Latin Lupe Lu” the song. Soon 80,000 Tibetan refugees were SRO and they formed ag communities for subsistence. Educational systems sprouted up and over 200 new monastery’s were set up along with outlets for the performing arts. In the world of Tibetan theater arts it became the Fillmore Far East and the Dalia Lama was now Jerry Garcia!
Today he has logged more frequent flyer miles than Richard Branson and has spoken to world leaders in 70 countries and numerous religious leaders, not to mention the minions of fans who show up and follow him as faithfully as those who trudge in the mud wherever the Grateful Dead would appear. These are Dalai Heads!
When he speaks it is about environmental issues, women’s rights, non-violence, inter-faith dialogue, quantum physics and (gasp!) Sexuality! However Peace is first and foremost over foreplay and in 1989 he was awarded the coveted Nobel Peace Prize for his non-violent struggle for the liberation of Tibet.
So sing along and clap your hands. It’s showtime!!!
Hello Dalai, well, hello Dalai
It's so nice to have you back where you belong
You're looking swell, Dalai, we can tell, Dalai
You're still glowin', you're still crowin'
You're still goin' strong, we feel the room swayin'
For the band's playin' one of your old fav'rite songs
From 'way back when
So, here's my hat fellas
I'm stayin' where I'm at, fellas
Promise you'll never go away again
I went away from the lights of Fourteenth Street
And into my personal haze
But now that I'm back in the lights of l4th Street
Tomorrow will be brighter than the good old days
Those good old days
Hello, well, hello Dalai
Well hello, hey, look there's Dalai
Glad to see you Hank, let's thank my lucky star
Your lucky star, you're lookin' great, Stanley
Lose some weight, Stanley?
Dalai’s overjoyed and overwhelmed and over par
I hear the ice tinkle, see the lights twinkle
And you still get glances from us handsome men, so
Golly gee, fellas, find me a vacant knee, fellas
Dala will, never go away again
When the Shinto Hits the Fan
In life there is religion, and in every life a little Shinto must fall! East West all around the religion merry go round there are more than enough religions on the big blue planet to feed the holy hungry spiritually starved masses with magic elixirs (and a little snake oil!) from dogma to divinity through meditation and even Catholic mediation where a high priest union shop steward from the archangel Teamsters will negotiate whether you go to heaven or hell while you await the verdict from “management” as you pass the time in Purgatory having conversations with Jimmy Jehovah Hoffa. (He’s still there...I received that information from and informed source I met in a darkened garage in Washington, an undercover agent who also penetrated the Mormon Mafia and busted up the Amish-Mennonite alliance of overcharging for furniture brought in illegally from the Pennsylvania mob run by an Italian sect of Amish, known only as the Amishi.
There are numerous differences between East Religion (cue the gong here) and it’s counterpart, West Religions, Inc.. The Eastern religions, Shintoism, Taoism, Buddhism, and that confusing confounding Confucianism that requires Grasshoppa to snatch pebble from hand while listening to Martha and the Mandalas “One Hand Clapping” from the Buddha Records release of Zen Zeppelin.
The Eastern religions call to us to temple, rain or shrine, with the gentle sound of a holy gong emitting rippling waves of Yogic resonance accompanied by wafting sounds with an audio fragrance from a delicate stringed instrument and the gentle sound of a wind chime.
Western religions on the other hand come at us like a rabid dogma in heat on a dogma day afternoon wearing, with a plastered smile that could only belong to a used car salesmen in a checkered jacket and plaid golf pants with all the elegance and charm of a goosestepping German Tuba Marching Band!
In the Middle East you have a Texas Death Match between two basic religions, that in the end will only leave one man standing. It’s still up for debate who will win. One side has in it’s possession The Temple on the Mount, and the other has the most holy Shirley Temple and the Bob Marley Wailers Wailing Wall of the Juke Joint Jerusalems.
Looking under the hood of Shintoism we find that it is officially the unofficial official religion of the land of the rising sun...Japan. There are as many offshoot Shinto sects as there are Baskin Robbins has flavors of ice cream. Some Shinto (or shin tao) is sexy as hell. I has Fertility Cults and therefore you are encouraged to have a romp or two to manifest manhood and appease the gods of placenta. (Shin Tao which Shino is derived means “the way of the Kami” perhaps there are pages of papyrus called the Kami Sutra we haven’t unearthed yet. Wow! I spent many pleasurable nights in Tokyo worshipping at the Gonzo Ganja Ginza so i can imagine the fornication frolics of the ancient ones now lost, stolen and hidden perhaps in Tibet high on a mountain top where only the Dalai Lama knows it’s treasured secrets..hell no wonder he’s peaceful, he is contented by virgin concubines who know the secrets of Kami sexual positions and secretions. No wonder he’s smiling all the damned time.
Interestingly enough the one classification of Shinto that I find has a certain unrefined “no borders” outside-the-box aspect to it is the broad category referred to as “Folk Shinto” sort of an all encompassing Folk You compost pile of the varied deities and spirits of Shinto housed under the three ring big top. Divination, spirit possession and Shamantic healing incorporated into the muddled mosaic are trace elements of Buddhism, Taoism and a little dash of Confucianism. It can be customized to fit a persons beliefs without being a part of the herd. A lone wolf away from the pack or buying a custom suit made to order in Hong Kong versus one off the rack as Sears. (Sears?Are they still in business?)
The Power Packing Islamic Woman
Many misconceptions based on prejudice and events by a radical element of the Islamic world have managed to color our perceptions of all who practice that faith. A small hardcore element has managed to high jack and subvert the beliefs of Islam and in the process have painted a portrait of Islam that is as distorted as the image projected from a fun house mirror, except there is no fun in the image.
Most religions, East and West, have inconsistencies in how we view them. Not all Muslims are terrorists…just as all Christians are not White Aryan Nation freaks from Idaho; not all Southern Baptists speak in tongues and play with snakes, and not everyone in Texas is a Waco Whack Job like David Koresh or Guyana’s Jim Jones. As for the Middle East, that requires a writer much more informed and educated than I am. I was raised Catholic, and still today, Catholics and Protestants don’t have it together in Northern Ireland! Crosses and Crucifixes have been replaced decades ago by bombs and guns.
There are sociological earthquakes today along the fault lines in pockets of the Islamic world that are creating a state of subtle revolt when it comes to the traditional Islamic gender roles of male domination and the subjugation of the fairer sex to the bottom rung of the sexuality food chain. Some more orthodox Islamic communities adhere to the absurd status quo that relegates the female to a subordinated role as a servant in the man’s household and as a mere sexual piece of property.
Muslim morality calls for faithful women to follow the mantra of Muslim modesty in dress while in public, to protect women from the temptations of men whose penises may overrule common sense and wish opt for a romp in Aladdin’s vagina garden of Muslim delights.
Islamic culture forbids the unwed females to show their faces in public, let alone be seen in hot pants or bikini’s. This culture has flourished for centuries. Another by-product of this culture, or rather the dark side, that is not a part of Islamic law and theory, is the predatory practice of human trafficking, rape and violence of women in emerging nations. In Indonesia, despite government attempts to curb these practices and prosecute them as crimes, they are as common as rush hour in Chicago.
Bob Dylan said “The Times Are a Changin’” and in the Muslim world, women are starting to revolt against centuries of cultural and religious slavery. The shackles are coming off, the hot pants are going on and the Muslim woman is morphing into her own version of Xena…Islamic Warrior Princess!
One Indonesian woman who personifies the new Islamic Xena is Adeela, a 20 year old model from Jakarta. She not only defies these concepts, but is embarking on a modeling career that has her out of a burqa and into a pair of tight fitting form enhancing Guess Jeans. According to her there are many misconceptions about Islamic culture as a whole. “Islam is a religion that loves peace, humanity, dignity. In Islam, the highest roles, yes are by men. Now, however Islam is changing for modern era which means now men and women are becoming equal. In Islam, Women are considered precious diamonds,” she said, “So this is why, in Islam Women have to wears hijab to covers the body, from top on down. The use of hijab covers a woman’s body from other men who are not husband.”
So are women regarded as slaves, property? Rosalinda explains passionately the Jekyll and Hyde Yin and Yang of this concept. “Usually people say, Islam treats women like slaves, and yes it is true, however if read between the lines of the Islamic Prophet, Muhammad, he says, women are like diamonds, and you should treat them like a princess. In this modern era now men and women are equal thanks to women who are changing the gender rules, but, some people still treat women as slaves. Slave as in “must do this, that” perspective. As a housewives yes, it is all a woman must do, but sometimes in Islam, people say too much pressure on it so this is why its created to appear as a “slave” mentality and culture. In Islam, women usually can’t work outside, or can’t do business. They have to stay at home. This has become a controversy, which means this treats women like a prisoner. Many perspectives of this comes from the women themselves,” she said.
Indonesia has marched to it’s version of democracy allowing for equality to prevail over the veil, and has one of the largest Islamic populations in the world but still has a path to equality not yet taken. “Because Indonesia has created a nation of diversity of culture and religion, women’s rights in Indonesia are equal, but, sometimes rights are not always equal so there is still a gap. Many domestic violence case happen. Sometimes this happens because of economic reasons and some say marriage misunderstandings area reason, and less communication. So the rights are still not in synchronous balance or harmonious alignment with enlightened democracies, like say in the West’s more industrial nations,” she explained passionately.
As a model emerging from and Islamic community in a state of cultural metamorphosis she faces not only gender discrimination, but body shape discrimination as well; “tall and thin” is considered desirable over short and enhanced. Not a BBW (as it is termed in the West) but full bodied. Actually, her attractiveness is not just a matter of beauty…she has a power packed physique that literally drips with sexuality and sensuality, or as she says, “Chubby Power”.
She talked about this form of pervasive mental persecution she and others faced. “Shape discrimination in Asia is usually in favor of a great body shape identified with skinny girls. Even sometimes when you apply for a job in Indonesia sometimes you can see the qualifications of getting a job means you have to look perfect, slim body, 165cm tall for teller. This is a matter of shape discrimination. I mean, getting a job it shouldn’t have to be about what you have on the outside, but the emphasis should center on the skills on the inside. Chubby women in Indonesia get cornered, and it hurts very deep when people call her words like elephant and many other derogatory names.”
This also affects the non-skinny female in relationships. “It is hard to get a life partner. Mostly Asian men see a woman merely from a physical standpoint, and the whole woman is not taken into account. Skinny is nice too, but well endowed woman such as myself can also pack a powerful sexual punch, and, ha they don’t know what they are missing,” she said.
She is not just power packed and stacked, but she exudes a femininity and sexuality that now defines the modern Moslem woman emerging on the horizon where are leading the charge with a fury. Look out those of us in the West, we’re about to meet in a head on collision with the East as Islamic Woman will soon uncover and be on the cover of Vogue as she goes from burqa to bikini on the drag strip of change, as they say goodbye to “haiyaa” (timidity) and say Hi Ya to Hot Pants!
The Buddha Nature and Zen Zeppelin
Jimi Hendrix asked us …”Are you Experienced” and a certain British band took us on an escalator journey to a “Stairway to Heaven” in the Houses of the Holy where lives Buddha and the bhikkhus (beggars) and bhikkhuni (begarettes!) Yep, female Buddhist monks, but they don’t monkey around. Monasticism doesn’t allow for horseplay, only a haiku or two. These monks got spunk and are armed and dangerous with fully automatic sutra chants and haiku grenades.
Female Monks? This does pose an interesting condom conundrum. Do they have Zen sock hops for instance? Are there co-ed koans read late at night under the the covers? What passes for foreplay in Zen? What proverbial proverb can lead to a hot to trot haiku hoe-down? In Zen you have the No Thing, so if No Thing happens in the monk sack is that considered orgasm? Not where I come from, but then again I never attained enlightenment, only erectionment
Are there enlightened varsity monk Friday night lights football games where the monastery minions gather for little shogun shotgun action? Being Buddhist, I assume a Hail Mary pass is out of the question. What about half-time action? I can see it now. Iron Butterfly doing “Inna Gadda Da Vida” while Zen cheerleaders, the Dalai’s Cowgirls play with pom poms and do cartwheels with a view that would stop Sidhartha in his sandal tracks.
Never mind epiphany’s Zen has full blown nuclear enlightenment attained by meditation not LSD medication. It can hit at any moment, a spiritual erection of profound proportions once the realization hits you like a junkies needle full of potent narcotics that you realize the reality of the realization that you ARE “awakened” A sensational sentimental sentient and the sound of one hand clapping actually makes sense and a noiseless noise as it is the great NO-THING.
As for Buddha himself, he was born in Nepal in the Sixth Century and for over 80 years he taught the Dharma to the dharma bums to guide others to the path of enlightenment, or as I see it spritual bar hopping. As his followers grew in number it was SRO by the time of the Buddhas great John Gielgud death bed scene where it is said he spoke to the assembled saying ”You should not follow leaders, but watch the parking meters and you never need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows….” and just before he took his last gasp of breath he looked one young monk straight in the eye and said, “Look out kid, they keep it all hid Better jump down a manhole, light yourself a candle, Don't wear sandals, try to avoid the scandals Don't wanna be a bum you better chew gum the pump don't work, 'cause the vandals took the handles. As life itself began to drain from his body, he said Go Forth, for now you are now longer novice monks, hey, hey, YOU’RE the Monkees!
There are many deities dotting the Hindu landscape and trust me novitiates
You don’t want to mess with the Hindu God DURGA with eight fully automatic arms and a sword in one of them Even Indiana Jones would be hard pressed to raid Durga’s deadly ark. Most images of other Hindu deities are characters right out of the special effects studio department of Stan Winston or Rick Bakers fertile imagination. One is a large woman with an elephant trunk protruding from her face In the West we find a good round ass and big boobs attractive, but in Hinduism there is apparently a different standard set whereby a babe with 6 arms and can float in mid-air is a real erection pleaser among the Dharma Karma crowd.
Religion does have it’s political and revolutionary side as well. Just ask the Irish in Northern Ireland or those involved in that tangled mess in the Middle East. Islam versus Israel in a proletarian Palestinian-Jewish toughman contest. In India, the Hindu religion has a reputation as the Bollywood Hulk Hogan. Just ask Gandhi, the Lion of the Loincloth who was not just a Hindu, but, he was an ardent believer that Moslem and Hindu could fit into a political Hyundai comfortably numb with each other as long as the British Empire was out of the political picture. Non-Violent Victory through Veda’s fueled by the Vedic verdict of equality for all.
Veda’s are the earliest vestiges of any written literary record of what is called Indo-Aryan civilization. The Christianity has the Bible. Islam has the Koran. Mormons have written the book on polygamy and the Amish have enough horse manure to fertilize Central Park in NYC.
That brings us to the happy hookah smoking Hindus. India and Nepal have been inhaling cannabis since 1500 BC (Before Cheech and Chong?) The Vedas were originally written around the same time and there has never been one author but an amalgam of participants obviously under the influence as the Vedas preach peace, tolerance and equality and guide the everyday spiritual rudder of Hindu life. They are the very foundation of the fountain of Sanatana Dharma or The Universal Religion and not to be confused with Carlos Santana.
They were handed down by the Hindu gods and translated by humans and eventually compiled by Hindu Hipster, Vyasa Krishna Dwaipayana, the Phil Spector of Hindu hits.
The Veda’s can be vexing to the uninitiated and as complicated as a philharmonic presentation of the “War of 1812” Most us non-Hindus are familiar with the Sgt. Pepper Album of all Hindu literary productions.
Many of you may have guessed that the high holy religious “Bestseller” is of Hindu origin and is still going strong today. No, not the bible although there is a hell of a lot of begating going on with hookers and other “street” people as they say, “in a Biblical Sense” No, I’m talking about the Third Century when the Kama Sutra rolled off the papyrus production line with a plethora of sexual positions compiled by the celibate sage Vatsyayana in Northern India. He compiled the listings of positions and I can’t help thinking, was his elation an erection epiphany? Did he celebrate now and celibate less? If he had lived into the 20th Century would he have discovered Twister? Or Duct Tape for those private boudoir moments? Either way, let’s face it Cannabis and Sex go together like the Mahareshi Mahesh Yogi and George Harrison. Cue the sitars, hand me the hookah and let’s get naked. I guess I am a Hindu at heart.
Getting Laid in Latin
The pious may not agree with me, but who cares? When you’re a young boy of 13 or 14, when it comes to getting laid in Latin, nothing beats a repressed Catholic school girl in a plaid skirt. The pleats alone are worth going to communion for. Ah, and the black patent leather shoes, all shiny and reflective, so you could catch a fleeting glimpse of a promising promiscuous garden of teenage delights.
It was around that age when I was beginning to develop a crush on my non-nun union civilian Catholic school teacher, Miss Minkow. She was all of probably 28, and to me the Virgin Mary and I was a 14 year old Joseph hoping there was no such thing as a virgin birth...a virgin birth means no sex involved, let alone a little Nazarene foreplay or what I later called “the Nazz” after listening to my first Yardbirds album.
I knew I wouldn’t get her into bed, a schoolboy crush rarely comes to fruition unless of course you’re a public school student in the Pacific Northwest. I was not alone facing this sexually frustrating quandary. So rather than dreaming the impossible dream, and whacking off to a windmill, you discover a windfall. Yes, you have discovered the Maria Vista School for Wayward Catholic School Girls...and it’s only blocks away from home!!!
Let me explain. Some are pregnant by 15 and by all accounts they are more Mary Magdalene than Big Mama Mary. Some are not preggo, but troublemakers and as ripe as peaches in an orchard. In fact you are a riper peach then they are. They’ve been around, you haven’t. When repression clamps down on a 14 or 15 year old shcool girl..watch out..it’s only a matter of time when she is ready to detonate sexually, in fact around the same time you are ready to explode or implode or de-pload or just unload your load as your critical mass of U235 is ready for fusion or fission...Bombs away.
My friend Charlie and I would sneak over the chain link fence after dinner when the girls would be at the windows taunting the boys, and yes we all showed up promptly for the dinner show hoping dessert was as tasty as it looked. It was a veritable all you can eat Catholic Happy Meal.
The girls had it down to a science. They would sneak out the doors after lights out, one by one after choosing their “make out date for the night” (no one went “steady” hell no..one nighters only and the next night you’d end up with someone else. Ladies choice. Charlie and I lucked out. or maybe it was due to all the praying we did, yeah right! Two of the girls were twins and both were frequent partners with us. In fact they would switch on us without telling us but we had ways of knowing. We called them “The Pick Up Sticks” as they were both thin and both, uh, over easy, and we were hungry, so together it as a sexual plate of eggs and sausage. You don’t have to be Fellini to figure this one out.
These girls dressed in plaid skirts just as the girls attending school did, but unlike the catholic girls you saw in the hallway everyday who were Sandra Dee’s….these were ass kicking Leather Tuscadero’s!
Is Catholic Purgatory Really a Greyhound Bus Depot? by Mike Marino Growing up Catholic you are taught that it is a sin to be anything other than a Catholic. We have purgatory after all. How many other religions can claim that? Purgatory is similar in theory to a Greyhound Bus Depot anywhere in the U.S. You have your ticket punched but you don't know if you’re going to San Francisco (heaven) or South Bend, Indiana (hell on earth) and you sit on a hard bench with an odd assortment of people, much like yourself, hung out to dry with a penny in your pocket to spare.
You get baptized at birth, which is similar to getting the registration and title to a car. Following are the various catholic "maintenance tune-ups" ...Holy Communion, confirmation (affirmation of something). Once all these borders are crossed you're in the big leagues and out of the minors. A Toledo Mudhen becomes a Detroit Tiger. You now enter the ballpark of the pros...the right to confess your sins. It doesn't get much better than that for a Catholic. This is where you get to go into a small booth and confess to masturbation, swearing, thinking bad thoughts about others, lying, etc to a man who sits behind a gauze screen who recognize and he knows your voice. It's Father Flanagan and you are boy’s town. Guys confess more because we feel guiltier than girls and besides, we are scum anyway as most of our fantasies are dirty and involve girls.
The priest listens attentively, and then makes a judgment call when all is said and done and diligently dispenses penance to you as though he were a judge at Nuremburg sentencing Goering to hang until dead. Usually a couple of Hail Mary's and Our Fathers will get you off the hook along with a sad, head hung low forlorn look as you walk to the pews to be penitent. All eyes upon you from others just as guilty of sin as you. You could get nailed with the Act of Contrition...which is akin to the death sentence in a capital murder trial. It is the lethal injection of all prayers.
Holy Communion is at first unsettling as the unleavened wafer is lowered onto the tongue top like a cherry on a sundae. The body of Christ, for Christ’s sakes. The wafer thin wafer must dissolve of its own free will...your teeth can't touch it, you can't touch it with your fingers, and it must just...poof! Disappear into the bowels of your body without aid or assistance. Unfortunately...it would sometimes stick to the roof of your mouth, and not in your hands, a real M&M of a deal. So take your prayer posed hands and with the two index fingers together, touching Indian teepee style, insert them into your mouth to recon the upper palate..locate the offending dough and dislodge, all unseen by the pious in pews around you in a penitent pose kneeling on kneelers that resemble real bleeders.
Catholic schoolgirls, rarely want to become nuns...mostly repressed in elementary school they want to uncork and let loose... They mainly want to marry rich, Catholic men and get past their first period without embarrassing themselves in class or the locker room.
Catholic mass is another thing altogether. It has mysticism, mystery, and magic..of sorts. The High Mass, the dreaded one hour job, has the density of the gravitational field of the planet Jupiter when it comes to pomp and pomposity. Incense doled out over the head of the pious filling the room like so much mustard gas in a World War I French trench, and the holy water dispensed from a wand up and down the aisles and falling on the heads of the praying congregation...holy water dispensed in such a fashion has one purpose and one purpose only...to ferret out any reluctant vampires that may be hiding among the holy. Holy water will blow their cover faster than a roadside bomb taking out a Humvee in Iraq.
The High Mass, Low Mass indicator is the number of candles lit on the altar when you go in prior to service. Two candles, short Readers Digest abridged version. Six Candles? You're in big time trouble. An hour minimum with all the rites tossed in like a Caesar salad. It's an easy code, this two candle, six candle thing, to break. Especially the High Mass..it brings the priest out in vestments so bright and colorful, you'd think you stumbled into the backstage area of an Elton John Concert as the priest is decked out in more colors than Sonny Barger at a Hells Angels funeral in Oakland, California.
So if you were raised Presbyterian...Baptist...Jewish...Muslim...count your blessings. Growing up Catholic, I only have one thing to say...High Mass, Low Mass....No Mas! Now, about those reflecting patent leather shoes...they reveal the wonders of the potential of a pubescent Garden of Hedon!
The Om Poem # ONE
A yen for zen – a thin’ for zin
a yen for zin – a thin’ for zen
Yin & yang – ding and dang – Han Sha & Li Po
Barney & Fred – Yabbadabbado – scoobie-doobie-do
Ring-a-ding-ding
Rin tin gunga din tin
Mandala & mandela, Nelson and Harvey
Mandolay and frito-lay
Spic and span cross the bridge to the rio grande
Southern belle, taco bell Ruby slippers – ruby reds – ruby ridge – ruby, jack Wherever you find them, head for he head shops
At the psychedelic circus,
where the bareback rider claims the landscape is a myth.
It lives, it breathes, it's alive with color and critters that skitter.
Ochre orgasms drip from the high thigh skies, rainbows arch and frame the mountains of the East, painting the landscape with primary colors..sunsets, orange and rusting in the empty spaces in between
The bleached white sand Bhudda on a Mexican crucifix in the church of San Zen..
the sky, azure, I assure you, is vibrant with whipped cream clouds of kahlua, one hand clapping along side jet stream trails and turquoise laughter,
.the rocks are red, canyons muddy twisting in swirls, caked hard as cement when dry,
light Asian skins adorned with soft sandy shells, bare feet kicking up dreams on the beach of the South China Sea
smokey old white haired mountains rising above the colored fields of lava flows, ancient and old from before the time of Lao Tse
volcanoes with tops blown off. grass and trees adding their colors of life to the harsh barren sides and images of black and white and grey, now suspended in the yin yang dark light of a mind riddled by a machine gun firing armor piercing stars as bullets to rip through the imagination and the soul, meteors and comets racing through the void..looking to call attention to our deception and perception of reality..fade to black of night...the colors hide until sunrise…colors can be deceiving when hidden in a cloak of darkness.