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Shelby Wesleyan Church
North Michigan District
The Wesleyan Church
June5, 2005
THE HEART OF THE FAMILY
Luke 9:18-25; Ezekiel 36:26-27
I probably won’t be the first to inform you that the American family is in trouble. In fact, the Christian family- of which most of you compose- is in trouble as well.
Somehow we would think that if a husband and wife love Jesus, go to church and pray together that they would not experience the shredding of their marriage. But study after study seems to indicate that the Christian marriage is in worse trouble than other marriages.
Check out these statistics:
-11% of the adult population is currently divorced.
-25% of adults have had at least one divorce during their lifetime.
-Divorce rates among conservative Christians were much higher than for other faith groups and even higher than Atheists and Agnostics.
-30% of Jews
-27% of Christians
-24% of other Christians
-21% of Agnostics/Atheists
To say that half of all marriages will end in divorce has been bounced around for years. Whether this is true or not is difficult to nail down according to my research. However, there is sufficient cause for us in the church to be concerned.
A Southern Baptist survey did find that of married couples who practiced consistent daily Christian living, attended Church regularly, prayed together often and were into the scriptures, had a 2% divorce rate. This is incredible if reliable.
Now if you want to feel safer become a pastor. Barna Research found that 13% of senior pastors have ever gone through a divorce.
But let’s make no mistake: Any divorce is a tragedy according to God. The tearing of any relationship is a terrible thing.
Mike Huckabee- governor of Arkansas- declared a “marital emergency” in his state and set up a commission to come up with answers to the problem.
What’s happening to this great institution of true love? The normal lifestyle of American young adults is to live together for a period of time instead as an informal trial marriage. These relationships frequently do not endure. A growing number of committed couples have decided to live common-law rather than get married. And even these relationships- whether they are heterosexual or homosexual- are not enduring.
Marriage is getting a bad rap simply because “until death do us part” happens less and less. The death is not the physical death that ends a marriage. The death is the death of love and commitment between a man and a woman. And the victims are more than the couple. Friends, families and children are affected.
Today is Children’s Day. What about the children? In 2003, 68% of children under age 18 lived with two married parents, down from 77% in 1980. There are more unmarried women between ages 15 and 44 than ever before. This has resulted in 1/3 of all births (34%) are to unmarried parents. On the positive side, the birth rate among unmarried mothers under 20 has dropped but it has increased for those unmarried mothers older than 20. (It’s as though the problem is still there- but we have moved it outside of the teen years.)
One child out of 25 lives with neither parent. There has been a 35% increase of children in foster care since 1990. Nearly 2.4 million grandparents are the primary caregivers for the children of their families.
Timothy Smith, director of a 1999 survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, said this, “Marriage has declined as the central institution under which households are organized and children are raised. People marry later, and divorce and cohabitate more. A growing proportion of children have been born outside of marriage. Even with marriages the changes have been profound as more and more women have entered the labor force and gender roles have become more homogenous between husbands and wives.”
So what do the problems of marriage and children and divorce result in? Cause and affect takes place. We are not robots or machines incapable of being not being influenced by negative actions.
Children of divorce of are twice as likely to drop out of school as children from intact homes, three times more likely to have a baby out of wedlock, five times more likely to live in poverty and 12 times more likely to be incarcerated. (Michael McManus) Sons of single parents are more prone to suicide and commit more crimes. Daughters are more likely to have abortions and more children. Even babies are affected while they supposedly don’t realize what’s going on. Babies who spend nights at different homes of separated or divorced parents have problems making secure attachments to their parents.
I could go on and on. Half of all children will see their parents divorce and half of them will see one or the other parent go through a second divorce.
So what is happening?
1. The Crisis: Comfort in Chaos.
I believe that that our society and even the Church has accepted the situation as normal. There is a particular comfort in chaos that we seem to be living. The messed up family is tragically addicted to being messed up. And in the process, children’s lives are a mess, men and women are frustrated in life and society at large is confused.
a. The Paradox of the American Dream.
There was a time when the American dream included a husband and wife, children, job, home and car. But we have added to the American dream the idea of “doing what’s best for you.” No longer is the American dream about doing unto others but simply skipping to the part of the Golden rule “do unto you.” And so we do unto ourselves and back out of relationships that don’t feed our self needs and desires. Keep in mind about today’s culture: this is no longer your father’s Oldsmobile.
b. The Philosophy of Materialism.
Drs. John and Paula Sandford say that a destructive way of thinking has encroached on Western mind. It is called materialism. Not materialism in the sense of buying more cars, a bigger boat and even bigger television. But materialism in the sense that it must be found in the reality of the five senses: see, touch, hear, smell and taste. We do this with our religion as well as our relationships. And in the end we find marriages floundering and the church faltering.
Think about it a minute. How much do you depend on what you see, touch, hear, smell or taste? As we have applied this to Christian faith and family construction we’ve created a problem.
“Such thinking omits nearly everything which Christians value.” Love and faith diminish because we can’t see it and nor feel it. Too many relationships are reduced to love equals sex and faith equals goose-bumps. Try being a preacher in this era! Whatever we encounter as Americans needs to be “material” or otherwise it doesn’t matter.
Even church attenders no longer attend to worship God and encourage other believers but they attend to see “what’s in it for them,” and to feel “good.” This problem of materialism tempts everyone.
c. The Pride of Selfishness.
And so the pride of life creeps into the marriage during the vows and the battle seems to begin. As a society we are proud of the self-made millionaires and successes. I read the other day that the world added 600,000 more millionaires last year. “I did it my way” is the way to pat ourselves on the back as we labor through life- not for the sake of others but for the sake of self.
And even in the home pride can creep in. Good Christian people have built their homes- not out of Spirit filled holiness but out of a pride that says “look at us and what we did.”
We are in chaos. We seem to be a society that is comforted by chaos. And this chaos is taking its toll on the Christian home.
Maybe you have seen the recent television reality shows such as on FOX- “Nanny 911”- and the ABC show “Supernanny.” These programs take a real all-American family that is in chaos and bring in a British nanny to coach them how to bring calm to the family home. Now I am fairly sure that the British have just as many problems raising a family as we do but somehow we seem to feel comforted when a young “Mrs. Doubtfire” shows up in her “nanny-mobile.”
Here’s the kicker: You can bring organization to a home and it will make a difference. Buddhists love their children just as we do. Muslims care about how their kids are raised. And so across cultures, religions and races there are ways that improve any family life. But proper structure is not the problem in our homes. I can list for you the “do’s and don’ts” and how to do it but that won’t get to the heart of the matter.
The problem for your marriage and your family is the problem that plagued the “First Family” of Adam and Eve and Cain and Abel. That problem is called original sin. And IT is at the core of your family strife and marital conflicts.
2. The Problem: Sin at the Core.
When Adam and Eve committed the first sin in the Garden of Eden they ushered in a devastating problem. We have been dysfunctional ever since then.
a. Sin Causes a Challenge to Growing a Marriage.
For any marriage relationship to grow will require the married couple to realize that they will face attacks on all sides. You are not going to get through life as a couple without facing all sorts of challenges.
That new bride will begin to irritate you at some point. That new husband will eventually display habits that never bothered you before- if you even knew he had them. At some point these idiosyncrasies begin to get on each other’s nerves. Pretty soon impatience takes root, cross words are spoken and a divide is created. Sin causes challenges to the most perfect of marriages.
b. Sin Creates a Complexity in Raising Children.
When Charity first arrived into our home, we were young and impressionable. We had more advice than the President gets in all the newspapers combined- daily. Let me show you what happens in every home.
She cries, we change her dirty diapers. She cries, we feed her. She cries, we adjust the crib she is in. Pretty soon, she learns that if she cries someone will show up and tend to her whims. So she cries and we run. Her diaper is fine. She just got fed. Her crib is perfect. What’s wrong? Nothing. Except we now have a liar on our hands.
It doesn’t stop there. When she is barely walking she sidles by with her hands behind her back. “What do you have Charity?” She took candy and was trying to sneak away. Now we have a thief!
When little brother shows up on the scene and they spend a few days with a babysitter because mom and dad have taken exile to a youth convention, what does she say on the phone? “Have you guys been good?” Charity: “I’ve been good. But Josh isn’t!” Now we have a gossip avoiding responsibility.
Oh, and so you don’t get the impression that Josh was born sinlessly perfect, Charity runs into the house: “Josh is walking down the road!” And there is our diaper only clad two-year-old making his escape down Taffy Lane. He looks back once and keeps going. He’s a rebel.
I share this because your home with children is going to have to deal with the very heart of the problem. And that problem is sin. We don’t need to teach it; they were born with it.
c. The Character of the Sin Nature.
You as a husband, father and man will have to deal with your own sin nature if you are going to be truly used of God. You as a wife, mother and woman will have to deal with your own sin nature if you are going to be truly used of God. And if your home is to succeed where countless others have failed, then you will need to ante up.
The character of the sin nature is born into every human being. Your children are not perfect because there is a sin nature they were born with. You can’t discipline this nature out. You cannot cast it out. But you can teach the child about the answer to their problem. The sin nature is really rebellion against God.
This sin nature rebels against God, against what is right, against all that is good, and against the sacred. The sin nature is a problem that you must deal with if your home is going to grow into the Christian home that God intends for it to be.
When you as a parent need to do the right thing rather than the convenient thing there is the temptation to go against what God is telling you. To counter God’s plan for your children and family is rebellion.
I remember the wife of one of my pastors telling how as a child she prayed that the devil would get saved so that she would not be tempted to do wrong again. She was being taught at an early age that the problem within to disobey was a problem called sin. And the devil is the one who tempts people to sin. So logically, if the devil got saved there would be no temptation to sin.
But the devil isn’t going to get saved and you must face this problem in your heart. Not only to save your home but to save yourself. And you cannot discipline it away nor can you wash it away through good works. Is there an answer?
Jesus Christ is the answer to the problem of the sin nature that inhabits your heart and your family.
3. The Answer: Christ and the Cross.
If you could enforce the right disciplines on your children and have the perfect marriage then there would be no need for Jesus to come to earth and die on the cross. But the fact is this: No matter how perfect your home might be you still need Jesus Christ.
In Luke 9:18-25 we find the crux of the answer. Jesus asks the question, “Who do the crowds say that I am?”
A few answers are given. After all, Jesus has performed many miracles and taught tremendous truths. An affect is beginning to take place on the surrounding community. And so the answers reflect the crowd’s perceptions: John the Baptist, that fiery preacher who was martyred; Elijah, the prophet who never died but was carried into heaven and maybe some other prophet that was brought back to life.
Then Jesus brings the question right into the very lives of his disciples- the very ones who claim to follow him. “Who do you say I am?”
Peter answers, “The Christ of God.”
Within Peter’s answer we find the answer to our marriages, our homes and everything about our life.
In a day when we want to attach good family advice to others such as Dr. James Dobson, Chuck Swindol among so many others we can so easily forget the real answer: Jesus Christ.
Jesus desires to be the sole source of your family life’s success and significance.
a. First, there is the Self-denial of self.
How many homes have crumbled because of selfish parents, selfish children or selfish spouses. We are to deny our self of all self-interest and ambitions and put Christ first. “If any desires to come after me, let him deny himself…”
b. Cross-bearing.
In life, you will carry something that is of more value to you than anything in the world. There are some parents who value their children higher than anything else in the world. And so to the demise of their children they put their children first. The result? Selfish children who never learn to be givers. Others will value their spouse more than anything else in the world. Or they will value money more than anything else. Any of these is called materialism- the result of the sin nature. They will live by what they see, feel, taste smell or touch.
Maybe you are caught in that kind of cycle. But Jesus calls on us to not carry anything else but the cross. “If any desires to come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily…”
It was on the cross that sin was dealt with. It was on the cross that Jesus died for your sins and your sinfulness. It was on the cross that the sin nature was crucified. This why the Holy Spirit can say to us in Romans 6:11- “Consider yourselves dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
When we come to Christ the cross becomes ours as well. We now live the crucified life of Christ that is within. This life of Christ that died for sin allows us to die to sin. This life of Christ that died but was raised by the power of the Holy Spirit, allows us to be raised to new life by the same power of the Holy Spirit.
What is more, this same power that raised Christ and raises you empowers your home- whether married or single, your church- Wesleyan or Baptist, and your community- local or national.
What is more, this life in Christ is not simply abstract and positional, but it is tangible and real for your everyday living. And it is in the most basic of human governments that we walk, live and breath every day: within the family. If you cannot follow Christ at home then where can you truly follow Christ?
c. Following Christ.
Following Christ is truly the walk of holy living. When you deny your ambitions and plans you receive the cross to bear which brings you to a place of new life in Christ. Following Christ is living the life of Christ. You can live this life in your home, in your church and in your community.
Conclusion
So where do we go from here?
Ezekiel 36:26 God makes us a promise that he fulfills through Jesus Christ: “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit with you…” Realize this. God would not promise this if your old heart and old spirit were any good. The fact is, if your life and your home-life are to be what it should be, then a new heart and new spirit will be required.
Furthermore, God promises in verse 27: “I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk…” This is significant. You cannot do all those things within your Christian home that need to be done without the Holy Spirit’s help. You need a new heart and new spirit. And then you need the Holy Spirit within.
Three things I call on you today. First, turn your heart over to Jesus. Maybe you have accepted Christ and you have tried but seem to be failing. Begin fresh. Pray as King Daivd, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” (Psalm 51:10)
Second, cleanse your life. 2 Corinthians 7:1 challenges us with these words: “Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.” If there are sinful things going on then cleanse your self of these so that your home is truly a Christian home where the lamp of Christ shines brightly.
Third, allow the Holy Spirit to lead your life. Galatians 5:16- “…walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.” Your life of freedom is lived out daily as you carry the cross of Christ. The lust to be right all the time will cease. The lust to be in control will cease. The lust to satisfy your every whim will cease. Only when you follow Christ and walk in the Spirit.
I wish that I knew this back when Naomi and I first got married and back when our children were young. I wish I knew that there could be a difference maker in life. I let so many things get the better of me back then. I have apologized to my wife and children for my selfish behavior. I have confessed my sin to God and its under the blood.
I suppose what I am desiring today is that you no longer live in the darkness of selfish desires. I desire to see your home become a household of faith.
The old timers called inner cleansing “entire sanctification.” There are some here today who need to shed the sin that is in their heart and allow the Holy Spirit to sanctify their heart today. Are you ready to give your life totally to Jesus Christ today?
I love what the Apostle Paul told the jailer who asked, “What must I do to be saved?”
His answer: “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved- you and your household.”