by
THOMAS J. MISURACA
"The peasants are revolting," the Queen of Diamonds burst into the throne room.
"I know," the King of Diamonds replied, "Try not to look at them."
"No," the Queen protested as she always did, too much in fact, "They're planning a revolution. They're going to storm the castle."
"We better give it a good cleaning then."
"They're just peasants!" the Queen exclaimed.
"They're still guests, my dear. Have you lost your manners?"
This man was impossible. The Queen was certain the gray hair which now greatly infiltrated her red, the extra pounds on her waist and the purple veins that popped out of her legs were caused by her husband's inability to grasp concepts.
"They want to run the kingdom!"
"Why would they want to do that?" the King asked, "I do it all the time and find it quite boring."
"They don't like the way you do it. They want to execute you and take over."
The king grasped his thick neck, the image of it being severed from the rest of his chubby body was not pretty. "This doesn't sound right at all," he said, "Have you consulted Jack on this?"
"He's the one who told me!" the Queen's voice hit its highest on the last syllable.
"Jack!" the King shouted, "Jack, get in here!"
The young Jack of Diamonds entered the throne room. He was tall and thin, but well built. He wore a maroon three piece suit and greased down his strawberry blonde hair. An air of nonchalance surrounded him.
"What is it, my Lord?" The Jack of Diamonds asked as he knelt before the throne.
"What's all this about revolting peasants?" the King asked.
"Seems they're rather pissed off," the Jack explained, "Not very happy about being peasants at all."
"Who can blame them?"
"Actually," the Jack said, "They're blaming you."
"What are we going to do?" The King exclaimed, "I like my head!"
"Simple. Do away with peasants."
"If we do away with peasants," the King asked, "What will we do with the peasants?"
"They'll become vagabonds."
"Vagabonds..." the King rolled the word on his tongue, "I like it. I shall decree a new order. From this day forth, all peasants will be known as vagabonds."
"A wise decision," the Jack said, "I'll write it up immediately."
The Jack of Diamonds left the throne room.
"Good work," the Queen said and kissed her husband on his white, bearded cheek, "I've got run to my ladies' group."
"Have fun," the King said and closed his eyes. He always napped after making big decisions.
The Queen of Diamonds took a carriage to the Castle of Spades. She was greeted by the flamboyant Jack of Spades. He wore a black leotard which revealed every curve of his tiny body.
"Good afternoon your royal Highness," the Jack greeted with a bow, "How lovely you look in that dress. Don't ever let them tell you red is not your color. And that hat!"
"Oh, you..." the Queen giggled as her face turned to match her dress. Since the collapse of her figure, she began wearing long dresses and big hats, unfortunately, they rarely matched.
The Jack led her to one of the castle's many sitting rooms. It was the green room. Every piece of furniture and ornamentation had some green in it. Stained glass windows along the outer wall showered the room in green light. The Queen of Diamonds found the Queen of Spades bathing in an emerald beam. As always, the dress she wore matched the room's decor. She was a wiry woman with an almost mannish face.
"Darling!" the Queen of Spades exclaimed and embraced the Queen of Diamonds, "You look fabulous! Have you lost weight?"
"I've been exercising," the Queen of Diamonds told her, "Fourteen squats a day!"
She demonstrated a squat.
"You'll outlive your husband for sure," the Queen of Spades said.
On the couch sat the Queen of Hearts, a plate of pastries on her lap. She was a large woman and appeared to get larger by the minute.
"Darling," the Queen of Diamonds gave the Queen of Hearts a kiss on the cheek, causing cream cheese to drool from the corner of her mouth.
"How are you?" The Queen of Hearts mumbled a reply.
"Wonderful," the Queen of Diamonds rejoiced, "Now what's keeping the Queen of Clubs?"
"I doubt we'll see her," the Queen of Hearts swallowed her pastry and continued, "She's having an affair with her Jack."
"Really?" the Queen of Diamonds exclaimed.
"It's so obvious!"
"Maybe I should have an affair with my Jack," the Queen of Spades said, "It might make my husband pay attention to me."
"Not very likely," the Queen of Hearts said just before stuffing a brownie into her mouth.
"Why not?"
"He's having an affair with my Jack!" She laughed, brownie spraying everywhere.
"Really?" the Queen of Diamonds exclaimed.
"Well, he certainly isn't going to have an affair with you," the Queen of Spades snapped at the Queen of Hearts.
An uncomfortable moment passed.
"Well," the Queen of Diamonds bragged, "Our peasants are revolting."
"They're no uglier than ours," the Queen of Spades protested.
"No, no-- they're planning a revolution!"
"Oh," the Queen of Spades said, "We already had one of those."
"Oh..."
"Now let's get down to business," the Queen of Spades said and the conversation turned to their community relations projects.
"The Castle of Clubs," the Queen of Diamonds commanded her carriage driver. The Jack of Clubs met her at the door. He had a plain face and body. The Queen of Diamonds wondered what the Queen of Clubs saw in him.
"What a pleasant surprise," the Jack greeted her, "The Queen will be delighted. She's out in the garden."
The Jack led her through the castle to the back door. Outside, they found the Queen of Clubs pulling weeds. She wore jeans and a tee-shirt, her clothes and face stained with soil, her long, brown hair hung in knots before her face. She looked up to find the Queen of Diamonds.
"What the hell do you want?"
"I missed you at our meeting today."
"Sure you did," the Queen of Clubs said, "You just wanted to see if the rumors were true."
"What rumors?"
"Oh please! As if that fat sack of a Queen didn't tell the world."
"She mentioned some things," the Queen of Diamonds said, "But I never pay attention to her. I just wanted to say hello. I should be getting home, our peasants are about to revolt."
"No big surprise there," the Queen of Clubs snorted, "Go back to your drunken sow of a husband!"
The Queen of Diamonds left the garden. She decided to peek in the throne room to get some decorating ideas, in case the peasants stormed her castle. She found the King of Clubs curled up on his throne.
"Sorry..." the Queen of Diamonds said and turned to leave.
"No," the King's voice was heavy with sobs, "Wait."
The Queen turned back and faced the King of Clubs. His eyes were as red as her dress. He wiped the tears and drool from his knotted beard and brushed back his curly, black hair.
"I need somebody to talk to."
"You do have a Jack," the Queen reminded him.
"I don't think that would be wise," the King said, "I can't talk to him about a problem like this."
"What is it?" The king bawled, "My wife doesn't love me anymore!"
He covered his eyes and cried. The Queen of Diamonds approached the throne and put her hand on his back.
"There, there," she patted, "there, there."
"I try to be the best husband I can be," the King said, "And all I get is the cold shoulder."
"That's natural," the Queen said, "As soon as she gets bored with your Jack, she'll realize you're the man for her and warm back up to you."
The King looked up. "My Jack?"
"You didn't...." the Queen stopped when she noticed the King's face growing as bright as her dress.
"Jack!" the King shouted, "Get in here, Jack!"
"I better be going," the Queen said and slowly backed out of the room.
The Jack entered the room and asked, "What is your bidding?"
"Please bring my execution papers."
"It'll be my pleasure," the Jack said and followed the Queen of Diamonds out of the room.
"Allow me to show you back to your carriage," the Jack of Clubs offered.
"No bother," the Queen said, "I can let myself out."
She ran down the hall and out the door.
The Queen returned home to find her husband asleep in the throne room. She woke him with a kiss on the cheek.
"How are the peasants?" she asked.
"We have no more peasants," the King said.
"So, they won't storm the castle?"
"If we have no peasants," the King said, "Then no peasants can storm the castle."
"Lovely," the Queen said and kissed her husband on his wrinkled forehead.
Just then, the Jack of Diamonds entered the room. "I've bad news sir. The vagabonds are revolting."
"I know," the King of Diamonds replied, "Try not to look at them."