A CASE IN POINT

SNAP!

An ear piercing scream erupted from Mort Moran as he pulled his hand out of the paper cutting machine. All that remained of his littlest finger, the pinkie, was now a blood sprouting stump.

Mort did not notice his hand get pulled into the machine as he talked to his co-worker Raymond. Both men were cutting coordinators for Pulp & Sons paper factory. The factory employed five such coordinators to cover cutting operations.

"I think I'm going to be ill," Mort gasped and collapsed.

The quick thinking Raymond rushed Mort down to the medical center, where Dr. Ozwalden stitched him up and gave him two aspirin for the pain.

"You'll be able to function with three fingers and a thumb," the doctor assured, then gave him a grape flavored lollipop and wrote him a check for a thousand dollars.

If Mort's eyes popped any further out of his skull, Dr. Ozwalden would have had to stitch them, too. "What's this for?"

"It's part of your life insurance policy," the doctor explained, "Lose a digit, gain four."

Mort stuffed the check in his breast pocket and went home to nurse his injuries.

Raymond returned to the paper cutter, which had been cleaned by Carlton, the janitor. Mort's finger was never found.

Three weeks from now, a teacher in North Dakota will have quite a shock when she opens a package of math paper for a surprise quiz. Serves her right.

The next day, the other cutting coordinators: Raymond, Terry, Mac and Arnold, flocked around Mort to see his four-fingered hand.

Mac McMannus was the bully of the cutting floor, he laughed at Mort's wound: "Look at the four-fingered freak!"

"You're just jealous," Mort replied.

"Jealous?" Mac roared, "Why would I be jealous of a four-fingered freak like you?"

"Because I'm an original," Mort said, "Everybody has five boring finger, but my four fingers are different, and different is exciting."

"Different is dumb," Mac spat, but realized he was alone in his opinion. The other workers were ogling over Mort's injuries and listening to his plans for spending the thousand dollars.

That little freak is stealing my attention, thought Mac.

SNAP! SNAP!

"Did you just put your hand in the paper cutter?" Raymond asked.

"Uh-huh," Mac answered before passing out.

Twenty-two stitches, four aspirin, one lollipop and two thousand dollars later, Mac returned to the cutting floor. He held up his three-fingered hand and proclaimed: "Mort is no longer the only original."

The discovery of Mac's missing fingers would cause renowned mystery writer, Ignatius Williewiggle to suffer a heart attack right before revealing the murderer of his last mystery. Mac would not care, since he had never read any of Williewiggle's work, but Raymond would be heartbroken.

The next day, Raymond, Arnold and Terry flocked around Mac. At first Mort was upset, but realized he was still special because he only lost one finger.

Upon returning to work, Terry found himself sticking his hand in the paper cutter.

SNAP! SNAP!

"Carlton is not going to be happy," Raymond commented before dragging yet another body down to Dr. Ozwalden.

Carlton sighed and left to fetch his blood soaked mop.

The only person who would benefit from this accident would be a gopher for a major television show who will find Terry's fingers when he opens a new ream of paper to photocopy the latest script. It will inspire him to write an episode of the show which will be bought for ten thousand dollars, without the loss of any more fingers.

When Terry returned to work, nobody cared. Three-fingered hands were yesterday's news.

Mac didn't like being yesterday's news.

Carlton hung large "CAUTION" signs around the paper cutter; he was tired of mopping up blood and pieces of flesh. Mac pushed Carlton aside and stuck his hand into the machine.

"Not again!" Carlton moaned and ran from the room.

SNAP!

"I'm on my way," Raymond remarked.

"I'm out of lollipops," Dr. Ozwalden told Mac.

"Lollipops are dumb," Mac replied.

Mac took his aspirin and his check and returned to the floor. It was still covered in blood.

"Carlton quit," Mort explained.

Carlton will pick up his last paycheck direct from the payroll service. Little does he realize, but the checks will be produced on Pulp & Sons paper. Stuffed in the envelope with his last check will be Mac's finger, which will spill out of the envelope and splatter on the floor of Carlton's bank. The bank janitor, named Karl, will have to clean it up.

Karl will receive a bonus for his extra effort.

Arnold didn't like that Mac was the center of attention because he was the two-fingered man. Anyone could stick his hands in a paper cutter. And that's exactly what Arnold did.

SNAP! SNAP!

Mac looked over at him and said, "It's been done."

Arnold stuck his other hand in the machine.

SNAP! SNAP!

Everybody watched in awe as Raymond carried the two-hand, six-fingered Arnold down to Dr. Ozwalden.

The ream of paper containing Arnold's fingers will end up at a major photocopying chain. The paper will be thrown in a photocopier without notice, and the fingers will jam the machine. When the tech comes to fix it, he will lose half a finger in its gears. His insurance company will pay him two thousand dollars for the half of digit.

Once again, Mac was bitter that he was not the center of attention. He took his five-fingered hand and placed it in the blood covered machine.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

When Terry saw this, he realized he had to catch up with his idol.

SNAP!

Went one hand.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

Went the other.

"I can't believe you!" Mac snapped, "Can't you come up with an original thought?"

SNAP!

Mac was down to only a thumb on his right hand.

"In your face!" Mac said to the others and looked proudly at his bleeding hand.

"Oh no you don't," Arnold said.

SNAP! SNAP!

Went one hand.

SNAP! SNAP!

Went the other. And all of his fingers.

"Just thumbs," Arnold exclaimed.

Mac stuck his two-fingered hand in the machine.

SNAP! SNAP!

"Just one thumb!" Mac showed off.

"Oh yeah?" Arnold returned.

In went one hand.

SNAP!

Then the other.

SNAP!

"No thumbs!" screamed Arnold.

SNAP!

"Ha!" Mac retorted.

"Oh my," Terry said.

He placed one hand in the machine.

SNAP! SNAP!

Then the other.

SNAP! SNAP!

"Now we match," Terry exclaimed.

"In your face, Raymond and Mort!" Mac shouted.

Raymond and Mort just looked at each other.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!!!" Mr. Pulp suddenly stormed into the factory, "I'm at the edge of bankruptcy! Our insurance is almost run dry and we're being sued by various businesses because people are finding bloody fingers in their paper!"

He looked at the bloody paper cutter and his fingerless staff.

"Looks like my lay off decisions will be easy!" he looked down at Mac, Terry and Arnold, "You, you and you! Clean out your lockers and head down to Human Resources for your severance pay!"

He noticed a profuse amount of blood pouring down their arms, "You better hit Dr. Ozwalden first."

He turned to Raymond, "You! Make sure they get there okay!"

He then turned to Mort and said, "Hey, nine-finger boy, clean up that mess."

Mort went to the Carlton's closet and pulled out the blood soaked mop.

©1998