Holiday Funnies

Here is my collection of riddles and jokes that I thought were hilarious...if you have any to add, please sign my guestbook and include the riddle or joke in the comments section. Thanks a lot!

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Riddles

What is the first thing that Santa's little helpers learn in school?
The elf-abet!

What is a new parent's favorite Christmas carol?
"Silent Night"

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic! (My personal favorite riddle!)

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite

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Jokes

Proof that Santa Isn't Real

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there ARE 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn`t appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist and Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total- 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west. This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

• This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get back in the sleigh, and move on to the next house.

• Assuming that each of these 91.8 million homes are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept) we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops.

• This means that Santa`s sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe moves at a poky 27.4 MPS; the average reindeer runs at 15 MPH.

4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

• On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point one) could pull TEN TIMES the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth 2.

5. A mass of 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

• In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousands of a second.

• Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

6. Conclusion: There was a Santa, but he's dead now. Merry Christmas!

Gotta Be A Pony

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. One was an optimist, and the other an incredible pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Eve, their father stuffed the pessimist's stocking with every imaginable toy and game. Presents nearly filled the room and there were toys everywhere you looked. He filled the optimist's stocking with horse manure and spread it all over his room.

The next morning, when the father came down for breakfast, he saw the pessimist crying bitterly next to his presents.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

The father then saw the optimist twin. He was dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"