ANGIE'S MILITARY HUMOR PAGE

1945 - Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet that killed the enemy.
Now - Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet that wounds the enemy.

1945 - The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers a European 9mm.
Now - We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945 - If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now - If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945 - If you said "damn," people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now - If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now - Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now - We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now - She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.

1945 - If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now - If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career. 1945 - You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now - You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945 - Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now - Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now - Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945 - They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now - They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945 - If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now - If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945 - Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now - Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945 - You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now - You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945 - You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now - You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945 - We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
Now - We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia.

1945 - If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now - You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

1945 - If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now - The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now - AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945 -The PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now - You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal-Mart.

1945 - If a general wanted to make a presentation he scribbled some notes down and a corporal prepared a bunch of charts.
Now - The general prepares his own charts, spending hours using Power Point.

1945 - We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now - We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945 - We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now - We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we won't offend them.

1945 - Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now - Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945 - If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now - If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945 - A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now - A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - After the war, you could buy your own rifle from the government, cheap.
Now - You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945 - Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now - Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids.

1945 - We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning.
Now - We don't know what we are fighting for.

1945 - All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now - All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

An Army General, a Marine General and a Navy Admiral are all sitting around discussing whose's service is better and whose troops are the bravest?
The Admiral (well into his second or third ice tea) announces to the group, "My SEALS are the BEST in the world and to prove it I'll have one do the impossible," as he reaches for the phone.
Well the other two commanders are in an uproar and each one promptly calls for his best soldier.
When all three representatives have arrived, the Admiral states, "Since it was my idea, I'm first" and turning to the SEAL, he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those 10 miles of shark infested waters, climb up that shear cliff and return with 2 bird eggs... unbroken of course."
The SEAL (being the highly trained soldier that he is) turned running towards the cliff. After performing a triple-lindy into the water, the SEAL swam across the 10 miles (all the while beating off sharks with his bare hands) and reaching the far cliff, he began climbing. Near the top of the cliff, he grabs the two eggs and starts back down (all the time, fighting off mean birds). Upon reaching the sea he swims back across (once again fighting off sharks) and climbs back up the first cliff. He then runs back over to the Admiral and hands him the 2 unbroken eggs.
The Marine General says, "That wasn't nothing," and turning to the Force Recon Marine he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, swim across those waters, climb that other cliff, then move across the 4 miles of unmapped jungle and bring me back 2 eggs from the mountain on the other side of the jungle."
And with that the Force Recon moved out. Traveling down the cliff, swimming across the sea, climbing the far cliff, moving through the jungle and upon reaching the 2 eggs, he heads back (all the while fighting off lions, tigers, bears, sharks, and mean birds). Finally reaching the General, the Marine hands him the eggs.
The Army General then says, "Very nice gentlemen, but here's true bravery" and turning towards his BEST (an Airborne Infantryman), he says, "I want you to go down that cliff, across that sea, up the far cliff, thru the 4 miles of unmapped jungle, over the mountain and bring me back 2 eggs from the forest on the other side."
The Paratrooper looks at the General, then the cliff, and again back to the General, where he says, "SCREW YOU, SIR!", renders a proper hand salute and walks away.
The General turns towards the other two (both with their jaws on the table) and says, "Now, gentlemen, that's BRAVERY."

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!)

1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call for artillery. When that doesn't work, for an airstrike.
9. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: 1) when they're ready, 2) when you're not.
16. "No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy." - Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke [1990's version: No PLAN ever survives initial contact.]
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five-second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The problem with taking easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants. [Corollary: For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.]
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things that must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
36. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
37. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
38. Tracers work both ways.
39. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
40. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
41. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
42. When your fear of the plane overcomes your fear of the ejection seat, it's time to "punch out."
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
46. Weather isn't neutral.
47. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
48. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
49. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
50. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
51. Napalm is an area support weapon.
52. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
53. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
54. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
55. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
56. The one item you need is always in short supply.
57. Interchangeable parts aren't.
58. It's not the one [bullet] with your name on it; it's the one [bullet or shrapnel] addressed "to whom it may concern" or "occupant" that you've got to worry about.
59. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
60. The side with the simplest uniforms wins. [Corollary: The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.]
61. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps...printed at different scales.
62. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
63. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
64. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
65. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
66. Everything always works in your HQ; everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
67. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
68. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
69. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
70. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
71. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, it's always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range. [Corollary: The effective radius of a hand grenade is greater the average grunt can throw it.]
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one. [Corollary: Odd objects attract fire -- you are odd.]
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
115. The Quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
116. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
117. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
118. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
119. All battles are fought uphill.
120. All battles are fought in the rain.
121. More aircraft are incapacitated by a shortage of spare parts than by enemy action .
122. What gets you promoted from one rank, gets you killed in the next rank.
123. The mortar team will always have the correct number of safety pins to prove they armed all the rounds. [Corollary: To ensure this, the mortar teams always carry extra pins.]
124. If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.
125. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
126. "Boldness becomes rarer the higher the rank." -- Karl von Clausewitz
127. Never reinforce failure. Failure reinforces itself.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.
129. It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps.
131. Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.
132. Always know when to get out of "Dodge". [Corollary: Always know how to get out of "Dodge".]
133. Priorities are made by officers, not God. There's a difference.
134. Always honor a threat.
135. The weight of all your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you have been carrying it.
136. "Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant." -- Charles Edward Montague
137. Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.
138. There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and targets.
139. "Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a commander." -- Jerry Pournelle
140. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
141. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
142. Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.