Herein lie the testaments of many Legionnaires testifying as to the qualifications that lead to the recognition of the enemy.
Icky Boys: In order for one to be recognized as an Icky Boy and therefore, the enemy, deserving of thwarting by the Legion, one must be possessed of at least (but not limited to) five of the following qualities, habits or abilities.
One must:
be male.
i. be crass, rude and/or perverse on an 80% or better basis and
ii. be contemplating the act of being such the remainder or a significant portion of the remainder of one’s time.
be able to belch on command
be inclined to conduct the majority of one’s conversations via grunts and/or other guttural non-verbal vocalizations
blatantly ignore the respect and personal space due to others, especially that of women
i. refusing to accept that "No means no"
avoid decisions, undesirable activity and/or deadlines through sleep, evasiveness, retreating from society or just plain changing the subject instead of dealing with it directly
be dishonest or freely and knowingly bend the truth for one’s own benefit in non-business situations
i. have a pressing need to do so in order to remain on good terms with others
be morose, irresponsibly so, in fact
steal sacred chairs on a regular basis for the purpose of causing chair-loss anxiety
be misogynistic
scoff when one mentions or hears mention of any good music including but not limited to: classical, Les Miserables, Andrew Lloyd Webber, musicals, jazz, Sondheim, Gershwin, Bernstein, Patrick Doyle…
mispronounce foreign words specifically for the purpose of annoying those who speak the language (ie: "Less Mizerablez")
belittle anyone’s attempts at cuteness and/or pitiableness or any other valid invocation of feminine qualities
be ostentatiously flatulent
mock attempts to gain culture (ie: derision of art museums, historical museums, zoological parks, poetry readings, book stores…)
snap bras
give wedgies
ask at any time if a woman has PMS
debase the females’ connection with the moon
make derogatory comments in respect to a woman’s weight and/or appearance
make references to a woman’s "place" and/or how a woman should dress, act or think
smell bad and/or scoff at others’ attempts to smell good and/or practice good hygiene
be late for no good reason (as determined by a member of the legion) or show up at a time other than that for which plans were made
be obsessed with sex and or the naked female body
take pleasure in taking the last serving of mashed potatoes or any other food at mealtime
i.deride the Legion, its members and its ideals
ii.deride RIBs and NIBs
Non-Icky Boys: In order for one be recognized as a Non-Icky Boy and therefore, the ally, deserving of decoration within the Legion, one must be possessed of a majority of the following qualities, habits or abilities.
One must:
show consideration of feelings
be confident in one’s self, but not to the point of egotism
possess a propensity to smile
possess a love of (or at least a like of) conversation
enjoy culture
show or pretend to show interest in others’ activities and ask questions to prove that one is paying attention
respect the female’s choosing power
accept parental investment in a relationship (i.e. forego thoughts of "women’s work")
recognize inner beauty
learn the power of chocolate
respect a woman’s girlfriends
realize that any qualifications that one puts on a woman, she most likely and in all rights can also use on a male
give good advice
be willing to listen
have valued female friends
be well-groomed 70% of the time when not involved in messy activities such as mud-wrestling, football, soccer (or any other sport), painting, working on cars or other greasy machinery/rusty metal, etc.
be silly sometimes
give flowers for no reason
compliment a woman when she looks good
be unashamed to possess feminine qualities (i.e. be secure in one’s sexuality)
