This is a fanfic, still in progress, that will eventually encompass all of the
first Alice book. The idea comes from the short Alice in Wonderland dream
sequence in the season five episode "Arthur and the Big Riddle". Arthur in
Wonderland is written by amsaturn. All of the Arthur characters are copyright
Marc Brown.

Arthur in Wonderland

Chapter 1 - Through the Television

Arthur was beginning to get very tired of sitting by his sister in the living room, reading her the same old baby book. Usually, Arthur loved to read. In fact, he had spent entire days just hanging out at the library. But D.W. was so persistantly annoying. ‘And what is the use of a sister' thought Arthur ‘who can't carry on an interesting conversation?'

Suddenly, Buster popped out of the tv! There was nothing so remarkable in that, thought Arthur; people were always popping out of the tv. Buster was yelling something about being late to class. "You'd better come too, Arthur," said Buster, and pulled him into the tv.

Arthur was falling and falling, and wondering if he would fall straight through the earth. ‘No,' said Arthur, ‘Brain already explained to me how that's impossible. Whew! But what if I burn up in the earth's core? And who's going to take care of Pal?' Arthur wondered. ‘I hope D.W. remembers to feed him his kibble.' Just then he hit the ground.

Arthur stood up and dusted himself off. He caught sight of Buster, far ahead of him. ‘Hey, wait up!' called Arthur, and ran after him down a long hallway full of doors, but when Buster turned the corner, he disappeared! He tried some of the doors, but all of them were locked. ‘This is worse than when I got locked in the library' thought Arthur in despair. Just then he came upon a glass table. There was a small grey key on top. "Hey, I wonder what this key goes to! If it's a car, I'm going to keep it all to myself!" shouted Arthur, though nobody was there to hear him. ‘On second thought, it probably belongs to one of these doors,' he thought. Arthur tried the keys in all the doors he walked by and it would not fit, but when he tried it in the smallest door, only about fifteen inches high, the door swung open. "Just great," muttered Arthur, "This is the only door that opens, and I'll never get through there!" He went to see if there was perhaps another key on the little glass table. To his surprise, what resided on the table was not a key, but a carton of milk, marked ‘DRINK ME'. ‘Well, I am thirsty,' thought Arthur, and gulped the milk down.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

‘What a curious feeling!' said Arthur, ‘I'm getting smaller!' Which is a very odd thing, he thought, since all his life he was growing up, not down, and milk is usually very good for your bones. Now that he was so small, however, he was the right size for the door, and he smiled at this. But with dismay he realized he had forgotten the gray key to open the door, and he was much too short to reach the table top now. He was just about ready to cry, as this really was an awfully peculiar and difficult situation and he didn't know how he would ever get out of it, when he saw a tiny chocolate cake on a platter sitting underneath the table. It said ‘EAT ME' in rainbow sprinkles. "Wow, chocolate cake!" said Arthur. "If it makes me bigger I can get the key to the door! And if it makes me smaller, I'll run under the door. I can't lose!" He put his hands up in the ‘I win!' pose and began to gobble the cake. Unfortunately there was no more milk to go with the cake.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Chapter 2 - Swimming in Tears

‘Weirder and weirder!' cried Arthur. ‘I'm growing!' And in fact he was growing. He was getting larger by the second. ‘Bigger than Binky. Bigger than Mr. Ratburn!' he thought. ‘Aghhh, I'm so high up I'm getting dizzy!' He was so big his head bumped against the roof. But he could reach the key! He easily took the key once again and opened the tiny door, but poor Arthur could only lie on his side and look through it sadly, as it was impossible to get through with the size he was now. ‘Oh no, what do I do now?' he wondered, and he started to cry. In a little while Buster came running by again, but when he saw Arthur he stopped. ‘Arthur, are you crying?' he asked, staring up into Arthur's humongous face. ‘What does it look like?' Arthur asked rhetorically. ‘Well maybe this will cheer you up,' Buster said, handing Arthur his joke book. ‘But I really have to go you know, I'm very late!' Before Arthur could yell out for him to wait, Buster was gone.

‘At least I have something to read now,' Arthur mused, and he began flipping rapidly through the joke book's pages. ‘Oh, I'm so confused! First I'm small, then I'm large, it really must be affecting my thinking. Let's see... London is the capitol of Paris, and Paris is the capitol of Rome... no, that's not right at all! Elwood City was founded in something 0-3... or was it something 3-0... oh no! Maybe I'll try the words to a song...' He tried to sing, but the words came out differently:

‘Crazy song, crazy song
My sister plays it all day long
Notes go up, notes go down
Turns my smile into a frown'

‘Oh, but those aren't the right words! What am I going to do?' he cried.

It was a while before he noticed he was getting smaller. He had been flipping though the pages of the joke book quite rapidly in his nervousness. He realized that the joke book was making him shrink, and he stopped flipping through it just in time to avoid shrinking down to nothing. Now that he was smaller than a mouse, he slipped on his own tear drop and fell into a pool of tears. ‘Oh no!' he said, ‘I wish I hadn't cried so much! It's a good thing I know how to swim!'

He looked around to try to locate a shore, and what he saw was that Miss Rodentia Ratburn was swimming around as well! ‘Miss Ratburn, oh Miss Ratburn!' Arthur called. She didn't seem to hear him, so he swam over closer. ‘Miss Ratburn!' ‘Oh my, you're all wet' said Miss Ratburn. ‘Yes,' said Arthur, ‘that tends to happen when you fall in the water.' ‘I've got an idea! Let's sing a swimming song!' she chortled. ‘Um, not that I don't WANT to, but I really think we should find the shore' said Arthur. Arthur could see there were a lot of other teachers that had fallen into the water, so he led the way and they all climbed up on the bank.

Ch. 3 - Mr. Haney's Caucus Race

The teachers all looked pretty funny standing on the bank with their clothes dripping wet, but they did not look very happy. There was Ms. Rodentia Ratburn, Mr. Haney, Ms. Tingly the vice principal, Ms. Sweetwater and Mr. Marco.
"How do we get dry?" asked Arthur.
"Well,' Mr Haney said, "that's a very simple matter of... That is to say we simply have to... If we put our minds to it I'm sure we can... How do we get dry Ms. Tingly?" he asked, turning to the Vice Principal.
"We must have a caucus race, Mr. Haney," said Ms. Tingly matter-of-factly.
"Oh, that sounds like fun!" said Ms. Sweetwater.
"What's a caucus race?" asked Arthur, not wanting to be the only one who didn't know what was going on.
"Yes, what is it?" asked Mr. Haney.
"I am not sure," said Ms. Tingly, "but I think it begins with us all running around in a circle," the Vice Principal explained. She raised her hand like a flag, and shouting, "Ready? Go!" she dropped it and everyone began to run the race. As everyone stopped and started running whenever they felt like it, and as there was no referee, Arthur was not sure exactly who was winning, but after and hour of running on and off, the race was apparently over.

"But who has won?" asked Arthur. "I couldn't keep track!"
"I think you're all winners!" said Ms. Sweetwater. "Good job everyone!"
"And everyone must have prizes!" said Ms. Ratburn.
"I don't think I have any prizes," Mr. Haney said with a worried expression. "What have you got with you young man?" the vice principal asked Arthur. Arthur pulled some things out of his pocket.
"A rusty penny, a piece of dental floss, two halves of a pistachio shell and some ABC gum."
"Those will be the prizes," announced Ms. Tingly, and she took them and handed them out to the appreciative teachers.
"But he must have a prize too. Mustn't leave anyone out," said Mr. Haney. "Do you have anything in your other pocket?
"Only my library card," said Arthur, pulling it out of his pocket.
"That will make a fine prize," he said warmly. Mr. Haney took the card from Arthur's hand, and handed it back to him saying "Congratulations!" All the teachers clapped and cheered as Arthur accepted his prize.
"But this was my library card in the first place," said Arthur. Mr. Haney only stared back with a look of puzzlement on his face. Arthur sighed and put the card back in his pocket.

"It's time for a singalong!" called out Ms. Ratburn. While all the teachers crowded around Arthur just shook his head and wandered off.

Ch. 4 - Ratburn and Mary Ann

Arthur wandered until he came to a school. It was smaller than Elwood Elementary, and it looked deserted. All the blinds were pulled down.
"Hello," called Arthur, "Is anyone here? I could use some directions!" Mr Ratburn stuck his head out the window. He looked straight at Arthur and said, "Mary Ann, what are you doing out there? Get in here this instant! It's time for class!" Arthur was so surprised to see Mr. Ratburn here that he couldn't think what to answer before Mr. Ratburn disappeared from view back into the classroom.

'But I don't go to school here,' thought Arthur as he trudged into the school, 'and my name's not Mary Ann!' Arthur thought how strange it was to see Mr. Ratburn here, but he didn't want to make The Rat mad, so he timidly entered the classroom. He found him in front of an empty classroom.
"You're late, Mary Ann. Sit down," he said, glaring at Arthur.
"Excuse me, Mr. Ratburn, I think you have me confused with someone else," Arthur suggested.
"Mary Ann, didn't I just tell you to sit down?" Mr. Ratburn said curtly.
'Hmmph,' Arthur thought, 'he doesn't even recognize me. People sure are acting weird around here.' He sat down at one of the desks. After he sat down, Ratburn began to lecture, but the words were so complicated that he couldn't follow what the lecture was about. 'I wonder whether I'll be tested on this,' he thought, 'although I suppose my grades will get marked as Mary Ann's. This isn't even my school, so I suppose it doesn't really matter if I pay attention,' he realized.

As Arthur become more and more bored by the unintelligible lecture, his eyes diverted to his desk, and he saw a milk carton. 'How did I miss this?' he wondered. 'I'm sure something interesting will happen if I drink this! I hope it gets me back to my normal size!' Thinking happily of this, he quickly guzzled it.
"Hey, what are you doing," said Mr. Ratburn, "don't drink that! Everyone, evacuate!" he shouted to the empty room, and ran out the door. Arthur stopped drinking, but had already finished almost half the carton. He felt his head hit the ceiling.
'Ow! I guess that was too much. I better not drink anymore,' thought Arthur. Nevertheless, he kept growing and growing. Soon he had to kneel to keep from bursting through the roof. Then, he had to lie on the ground, sticking his arm out the window. 'Now what?' he wondered.

Luckily, he grew no more, but he was now quite stuck. He was sitting there uncomfortably for some minutes, after which he heard the voice of Brain.
"Well, that does look like an arm, Mr. Ratburn, but that's scientifically inexplicable! There is no known primate with an arm of that size!" Brain explained.
"It's definitely an arm. A very large arm. Can't you do something about it, Alan?" asked Mr. Ratburn anxiously.
"I still don't believe it's an arm (probably a large plant growth so you have nothing to worry about) but I did want to try out my latest invention. It's a sophisticated android that flings cream pies at a specified trajectory while reciting physics theorems. If you look at my diagrams here, you will see how it will, theoretically, rid you of your problem."
"That's brilliant, Alan!" Mr. Ratburn praised him. "Bring it here at once!" Arthur waited for several minutes in silence. Then there was a scraping, the sound of metal being pulled along concrete, then a click followed by the sound of grinding gears and a robotic voice repeating what he could only assume to be physics theorems.

'Oh, what is Brain doing?' Arthur thought to himself. 'This isn't going to help!' His thoughts were interrupted by a cream pie that hit his arm. "Cut it out!" he yelled, and thrashed his arm about. Another pie hit his wrist, and another his elbow. "Turn that thing off!" he yelled angrily. There were some worried murmurings from outside, but the cream pies kept coming. He caught the next one. 'If I eat this pie, maybe it will make me smaller!' thought Arthur, 'Or at least I don't think I could get much bigger.' Arthur ate the cream pie (yum!) and thankfully began shrinking immediately. When he was small enough to get out the door he ran out the bak way and ran away from the house as quickly as he could.

'I was lucky to get out of that one,' he thought, 'but I'd love to get back to my normal size.' Arthur wandered through the grass and flowers that were bigger than he was, searching for a cake or a milk carton - anything to eat that might make him grow larger. Although he looked over, under and around everything he couldn't find what he was after. Then from somewhere on the lawn he heard the sound of a saxophone. He followed the noise to a large mushroom. Arthur had to stand on tiptoe to find out what was the source of the sound, and who should he see but Sue Ellen.

Ch. 5 - Advice from Sue Ellen

Arthur and Sue Ellen stared at each other for some moments in silence. Finally Sue Ellen put down the sax she had been playing.
"Who are you?" she questioned.
"I'm Arthur. Don't you recognize me, Sue Ellen?" asked Arthur, confused. Sue Ellen studied his face a moment more.
"Nope. Sorry," she replied. "I haven't ever seen you around here, or anywhere in Wonderland, and I've lived all over," she said.
"Is that where I am?" asked Arthur, "Wonderland?"
"Boy, you really are confused," said Sue Ellen, "but how do you know my name?" she asked.
"I don't know how to explain it to you. Everything has been so strange today. Ever since I got pulled through the television set nobody's been acting their normal selves, and I keep growing and shrinking, growing and shrinking - I feel like a yo-yo! Being this tiny, I'm not acting my normal self either, and it's no wonder at this awful height!" Arthur complained.
"I like this height. Are you saying I'm too short?" asked an annoyed Sue Ellen.
"No. It's just that I'm not used to it... Sorry" apologized Arthur.

Sue Ellen accepted Arthur's apology, although she was still looking a little cross. She said she didn't understand all he'd said, but she'd try to help. "Ok, you said you're not like yourself today. It can't all be because of your height. That doesn't change who you are," said Sue Ellen. "So," she said, stopping to toot a few ponderous notes on the sax, "Would you explain what you mean?"
"I don't know why, but I can't remember things the way I used to. They somehow get confused," he confessed.
"Like what?" asked Sue Ellen.
"I tried to sing 'Crazy Bus' but the words came out all wrong," Arthur replied.
"Hmm," Sue Ellen pondered some more, tapping her fingers on her chin. "Repeat 'You are old, Father William'," Sue Ellen instructed. Arthur was surprised by the request, but cleared his throat and began:

"You are strict Mr. Ratburn," the student said
"And the homework you give takes all night.
Yet most kids our age get to have fun instead.
Do you think this unfairness alright?"

"In my youth," Mr. Ratburn replied to the boy,
"I did page upon page of this stuff.
Then I'd do it again, and I found it a joy.
Perhaps I don't give you enough?"

"Hey, what's your name - Arthur? - you were supposed to say a poem about old Father William! Not about some guy named Ratburn! Are you taking this seriously?" Sue Ellen said impatiently.
"I told you," said Arthur, "the words just seem to get mixed up."
"This is a bigger problem than I thought," said Sue Ellen, "but I have to leave."
"Where are you going?" Arthur asked.
"Where is not important," said Sue Ellen. "The bigger question is how am I going to get there?" she said. Arthur was just about to reply when Sue Ellen said, "Listen a minute and I'll give you some advice." 'Now we're getting somewhere," thought Arthur.
"Don't lose your temper and..."
"Huh?" Arthur interrupted, confused at the seeming lack of relevance of this advice.
"Ahem," said Sue Ellen, "Don't lose your temper, and remember," she said, as she took the sax and began climbing down the mushroom, "One side makes you taller and one side makes you shorter."
"What? What are you talking about?" asked Arthur.
"The mushroom," said Sue Ellen. Then she was gone.

Arthur was not at all sure which side of the mushroom was which, and where the sides began and ended, as the mushroom was perfectly round, but he reached around and broke off a piece from both sides and after a bit of size changing he was back to normal. He started walking, not knowing where he would get to, but it was not long before he came to a little house in a clearing.

Ch. 6 - Pigs and Soccer

Arthur stood outside the house and examined it. There was a long, low front porch and sitting on the porch in a rocking chair was Prunella. Arthur walked closer, and seeing no sign of recognition on her face, he began to introduce himself.
"I suppose you don't recognize me either," he said, "I'm..."
"Wait! Don't tell me," said Prunella. "You're the postman!"
"No," said Arthur.
"You're really not the postman? Wait, let me contact the spirits... UPS?"
"No," said Arthur.
"Federal Express? No?!" Prunella looked annoyed. "Then this darn mystical amulet Rubella sold me doesn't work the way it's supposed to. What a gyp!" She said, pulling a crystal pendant from around her neck and tossing it to the ground.
"Why are you out here waiting for the postman?" Arthur asked.
"Well, it's very important. There was supposed to be a letter, you see, coming in the mail. An invitation for the Duchess to play soccer at the Queen's. It's a very serious assignment. It could be here any minute. So that's the reason that I'm waiting out here for it. That and because the door's locked."
"Don't you have a key?" asked Arthur.
"No, I'm usually inside opening the door, so I don't need it. But the door only opens for soccer balls to come flying out of it now, and I'm afraid of getting knocked upside the head."
Just then the door opened and a soccer ball came flying out, right at Prunella's head! She ducked just in time, and it bounced off a tree.
"See what I mean?" she said. Arthur grabbed the door before it shut and went in.

The door led right into a large kitchen filled with a cloud of black pepper and piles of soccer balls. In the middle of the room sat a crying baby. Shaking pepper into a large pot was Mrs. MacGrady. And in the corner, passing a soccer ball from foot to foot, Arthur saw the very ugly Duchess. It was Jenna. Arthur coughed.
"Uh, Mrs. MacGrady, don't you think that's enough pepper?" Arthur shouted over the wailing child.
"I'm afraid I may have put too much in the soup! But you know, nothing calms down pepper like nutmeg! That's what my ex-husband used to say," said Mrs. MacGrady, taking out and emptying a large canister of nutmeg into the soup. Just then a soccer ball went whizzing past Arthur!
"Hey, you almost hit me!" he complained to Jenna.
"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, "I was trying to hit the baby." She sent another soccer ball flying that hit the baby squarely in the side of the head. "Goal!" she exclaimed. The baby just continued wailing.
"You can't use his head as a GOALPOST!" Arthur yelled over the noise.
"I have to live up to my star athlete status. Besides, he likes it," she said, bouncing another soccer ball off the baby's forehead. "Goal!"
"You can't DO that!" argued Arthur.
"Nonsense," said Jenna, "how will he ever learn to play if I don't teach him? He's got to learn to dodge one of these days. Listen, I follow the advice of this little song. Ahem." Jenna began to sing.

"Teach soccer to your little boy
The soccer balls teach faster
When launched directly to the head
So the technique they'll master.

"See, isn't that sensible?" said Jenna, crossing her arms as if this was irrefutable evidence.
"No!"
"Well then you take him," she said, picking the baby up and throwing him into Arthur's arms, "I have to go get ready to play soccer with the queen!" Jenna then jogged out of the room.
Mrs. MacGrady was still stirring the soup nonchalantly, musing, "Or maybe it was coriander..."

"They're crazy!" Arthur thought to himself, "I had better get the baby away from those two!" He took him outside, but when he looked down into his arms, he saw the baby had turned into a pig!
"Aagh!" shouted Arthur, and dropped the pig, which went scampering off into the bushes.
"What's the matter, Arthur?" asked a voice.
"Who is it, who's there?" asked Arthur in surprise. "And you know my name?!"
"Look up here, in the tree," said the voice. Arthur looked up and saw a squirrel-person in blue.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"Don't you recognize me?" she asked, giggling into her hand. "I'm Nadine!"
"No way!" Arthur said in surprise. "But you're not real! How come I can see you?"
"Perhaps it's because you're going mad," said Nadine with a grin. "Everyone here is."
"Everyone here is mad? Nothing makes sense here, that's for sure! I have to get out of this loony bin! Um, can you tell me where these paths lead?" he asked, gesturing into the forest.
"The Hatter lives THAT way, and the March Hare lives THAT way."
"Which way should I go?"
"Depends on where you want to get to," said Nadine. "Good luck at the soccer match! I'll see you there!"
"Huh?" said Arthur, "But I haven't been invited to play..." He trailed off, as Nadine had disappeared.

Arthur waited a few minutes to see if Nadine would reappear. When she didn't, he set off in the direction of the March Hare's house. When he looked up, he was startled to see Nadine on a branch right above his head.
"Did you ask ‘which way should I go' or ‘which way does it snow'?" she asked.
"I asked which way to go. And I wish you wouldn't vanish and appear so quickly - you're making me nervous."
"Sorry," said Nadine, and she disappeared slowly, starting from her tail and ending with her grin. After she had gone, her voice echoed from somewhere, telling him, "Say hello to the March Hare for me!"